The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 3 - Holy Mackerel - full transcript

Guess what song I'm playing.

I have no idea.

You're not even gonna try?

No.

OK. So when our kid
comes home and says,

"Mom, this reading
thing's too hard.

I don't want to try,"

you're gonna be OK with that.

You're playing your belly.

Just guess.

Dancing Queen?



OK. Try again, but this time

pull your head out of your ass.

I don't know. Just tell me.

It's clearly I
Love Rock N' Roll.

♪ I love rock n' roll!

♪ So put another dime
in the jukebox, baby ♪

Oh, yeah. I hear it now.

Both: ♪ I love rock n' roll

Yeah.

Right? Yeah.

Now I'm gonna slow things down

with a song I know
the ladies love:

Devil Went Down to Georgia.

All right. So after this,



we got to go to the post
office and then the drugstore.

I have to pick up my
father's prescription.

I haven't picked
it up for 2 weeks,

and I caught him
blinking uncontrollably.

What's wrong?

I'm just really depressed

that we're having
fish for dinner.

We talked about this.

You need to start eating
healthy at some point.

It's either now,

or later through a tube.

Tube later, steakums now.

My boss said he was gonna
page me this weekend

and tell me whether or
not I got my raise.

Great. "Monday's bagel
should be poppy."

I hate it here.

Can we go?

No. We have to get dinner.

Look, there's a
special on mahimahi.

You'd like it. It
tastes just like steak.

You know what? I'll get excited

when there's a fish that
tastes like Doritos.

Isn't that Father McAndrew?

Oh, man, it is.

Oh, great. We never
go to church.

Now we're seeing him
here in a fish market.

How embarrassing is that?

Why? It's not like it's
a nudie fish market.

Doug, Carrie!

Oh, hi! Look who it is!

How have you both been doing?

Great. We're doing really great.

Hey, nice sweat suit.

What are ya, wrasslin'
with the devil?

Is the devil funny to you, Doug?

No, no. I didn't... I didn't...

Just teasing. Ha ha ha!

Oh, good one!

I was known as the class clown

back at our Lady of
Perpetual Sorrow.

Well, you still got it.

Yeah.

Good to see you.

Good to see you, too.

Of course, I'd also love to see
you both in church sometime.

Absolutely. Yes, we
should do that...

without a doubt. At some point.

Yeah. Yeah.

How about this Sunday?

That'd be great.

No, no, no, no! Come on.

Don't snooze it again.

It's church time.

Time to get ho-ly!

Ohh. I can't believe
you got us into this.

Just 'cause you couldn't

keep your big, fat
Twinkie-hole shut.

Let's go, mama.

No. I don't wanna go.

Take someone else.

Get a hooker and dress
her up like me.

I may try that some night
when you're out of town,

but not on the Lord's Day.

I got to tell you.

I'm kind of glad we ran
into Father McAndrew.

I think it's about time we
started going to church.

Think about it.

How great will it be?

Some day we'll be going to church
with our kids by our side.

Little Doug will be
there with his freckles

and his little tooth
missing in the front.

And little Carrie's got
her pink dress on...

OK. You know what? I'm
gonna start crying.

I mean it. Shut up.

Oh, good, you're up.
I'm pretty bored.

I was hoping we
could do that thing

where the two of you drive
me around until I doze off.

We can't, Dad.

We're going to church.

What have you got, bingo?

It's Sunday, Arthur.

People go to church on Sunday.

If by people you mean suckers.

You know, that's
kind of offensive.

I happen to take my
church pretty seriously.

Fair enough.

Say hello to the
Easter bunny for me.

Hello, sir.

You're not my Chinese
food, but hello.

I'm Walt Urbanski.

I work at Downey
Hills Real Estate.

Ooh. Pish-posh.

Just wanted to give you my card.

If you're ever, uh, interested

in putting this
house up for sale,

you could do very well.

It's a seller's
market right now.

Really?

Oh, yeah. I assume
you are the owner.

Well, I'm certainly
not some old man

who lives in the basement.

I tell you...

you set up an open house,

this property would
practically sell itself.

Huh.

Well, what do I need you for?

All right. Where do
you want to sit?

Let's go up front. I
want to make sure

Father McAndrew
knows we're here.

I don't want to sit up front.

I don't want to get
pulled up on stage.

Pulled up on stage?

It's not a magic act.

Have you been to church, ever?

All right. Let's
just sit over there.

Arthur, what's going on?

I'm having an open house.
Care for some Brie?

Doug and Carrie are
selling the place?

Don't mention Doug and Carrie.

As far as anyone's concerned,
I'm the owner here.

Are you telling me you're
showing their home

without them even knowing it?

Trust me. If I get a good offer,
the kids'll be delighted,

then they'll get a bigger house,

and I'll get to
live in a real room

instead of that
glorified bomb shelter.

No, no, Arthur, I'm sorry.
I can't let you do this.

You're gonna get me in trouble.

Hey, you're not involved.

No, no, I am involved, because I'm
supposed to be walking you now,

which means that you're my
responsibility, and I'm gonna get fired!

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!
All right, all right!

Get ahold of yourself! I can't!

I'm gonna get in trouble! I
have to tell Doug and Carrie!

All right. All right.

What's it gonna take...

to keep those pretty lips shut?

You want money?

You don't have any money.

What about Rolos?
You like Rolos?

I have a whole bunch downstairs!

I do love Rolos. But
no, Arthur, no.

That is not...

Hey. Ahem.

Hi.

Hi.

Can you tell me what year
the house was built?

Uh...

1776!

Really? I thought this
neighborhood wasn't around

till the 1930s.

Well, this was originally a
trading post for beaver pelts.

What are you talking about?

All right, professor. It's a
seller's market. Hit the bricks!

Bye-bye! Come on! Walk,
walk, walk, walk!

Any other questions?

And for the sick and
infirm in our parish,

especially Catherine Donnelly
who had hip surgery this week,

we pray to the Lord.

All: Lord, hear our prayer.

Father McAndrew: And please take a
moment to pray for whatever else

you'd like to ask of
our Heavenly Father.

I'm done.

Keep going.

I don't have anything
else to pray for.

Think of something.

I got my raise!

Choir: ♪ Alleluia

♪ Alleluia

♪ Alleluia, alleluia

♪ Alle-luia

I am wiped. I'm gonna hit it.

Yeah, me, too.

Good night.

Good night.

What's happening here?

I'm praying.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm saying my prayers.

What, just because...

of being in church today?

Yeah. I liked what I saw,

so I thought I'd
give it a whirl.

Wow! I am really impressed.

Thank you.

And a little turned on.

It's a whole new side of you...
the good girl side.

All right. Can I get
back to my praying?

Absolutely.

You're a good girl.

A good girl...

Doug.

Sorry.

So what'd you, uh...
What'd you pray for?

I can't tell you. Then
it won't come true.

OK, it's not like blowing
out your birthday candles.

All right. I prayed for Mrs.
Donnelly,

you know, the one
who broke her hip?

Well, that's sweet.

And I prayed for these Gucci
shoes I love to go on sale.

What?

Yeah, they're black with
these silver strappy things,

but they're a little out of my
price range, so... you know.

Uh, you know...

y-you can't pray for shoes.

Why not?

Because you're not supposed
to pray for petty things.

Well, at church today I prayed
for my raise, and I got that.

That's what you
were praying for?

OK, you obviously have no
idea what you're doing here.

Uh... an extra hundred
bucks a week says I do.

OK. How can I explain
this to you?

Let's pretend I'm God.
Well, gee,

I'd love to end world hunger,

but I'm too busy looking for cheap
shoes for Carrie. Oh, well!

OK, you know, I believe that you
can pray for the important things,

and you can also pray for the
not-so-important things.

God's a pretty bright guy.
He can figure it out.

That's how you think it works?

Yeah, that's how I
think it works.

You have no idea what
you're talking about.

You don't even know
how to pray right.

You're kneeling by the
bed like a 5-year-old.

I will pray any way I want to.

Fine. Pray the way you want...

if you wanna look like a moron.

What is your problem?

My problem is you're using God
as your own personal genie!

I am not! You are, too!

You think that if you
want a pair of shoes,

all you do is pray for them
and, poof, there's new shoes.

That's not the way it works, OK?

This... does not equal

this!

I... did not do anything wrong.

Once again, let's
pretend I'm God...

OK, don't do God again. You do about
the worst God I've ever heard.

You know what? That's it.
You're done.

You're done praying. It's over.

Excuse me?

Yeah, that's right. I forbid it.

Oh, you forbid it. OK.
You know what?

I just thought of a few more
things I want to pray for.

Oh, really? What, is there a...
lipstick out there

that you actually don't have?

You know what?

Try praying with this
in the background.

Oh! Look at that. Dallas!

Oh, yeah! Bring it!

Yeah!

You know what? Fine.

I will just use my prayers
to cancel out your prayers.

Oh, bring it!

Oh, I'm bringin' it!

You're goin' down!

This is it.

This is our house.

I know! I know!

I think we'd like
to make an offer.

Well, as you know, Mr. Ling,
this is a seller's market,

so bring the big number.

I'm in no mood to dance.

I think we're willing to come pretty
close to the full asking price.

You know what else
you're pretty close to?

The door. See ya!

I want this house.

OK. OK. Um...

I think we can give
you the asking price,

but there's a few things
I'd like to see fixed up.

Well, for the full price, I'll throw
in a fat houseboy named Douglas!

Game Announcer: Jets deep in
the hole on their own 10,

trailing by 5 with
a minute to go.

Come on!

Douglas, any chance we'll
be reshingling the roof

in the next 2-3 weeks?

No. Okey-doke.

Testaverde dropping back...

and he is sacked back at the 2!

Second Announcer: And he had
Chrebet wide open over the middle.

Someone should get
Vinny some glasses...

Kinda like the frames
you got there.

What do you got there, Bob?

Whatever they are, even I saw
Chrebet from up here! Ha ha ha!

Stop bantering! Not funny!

Hey, sweetie.

I just picked up my new shoes.

What?

Yeah. Those Gucci
shoes I prayed for?

40% off. I only asked for 30.

I'm on a roll!

You know what? You're sick.

You really have a problem.

No. What I got is an
open-toed slingback

at a bargain price.

Announcer: Well, this is it!
Fourth down!

No time-outs left.

Jets need the touchdown.

Second Announcer: Bob, what
the Jets need is a miracle.

Oh, my God!

You're praying for the Jets!

No, I'm not. Yes, you were!

You were praying for
the Jets to win!

No. No. I was praying for
them to cover the spread.

That's a whole other thing!

You are such a hypocrite. You
get on my back about shoes,

and you're praying
for a football game?

Oh, please! Shoes are way more
petty than a football game!

Is not! Can you wear
a football game?

Can you spend an entire
Sunday watching shoes?!

Yes, I can!

Announcer: Testaverde wings it
out to Coles on the sideline...

Whoa! And the defender tripped!

Coles all alone! He
is waltzing in for 6.

Jets win! This is unbelievable!

We tell no one of this.

Arthur!

Arthur, what are you doing?

The Lings are outta control.

They want everything up to code!

If I can just get past this
disclosure phase, I'm home free.

What about disclosing the fact
that you don't own this house?

You're very clever. Why
don't you use those brains

to help me put a good spin
on this termite situation?

No, no, Arthur, I am not
gonna be part of this.

Hey, you're either
with me or against me.

I'm against you.
That's not an option.

You just gave it to
me as an option!

You have to stop this, OK?
You're my responsibility.

I just lost the
Berenson sheepdogs.

I cannot afford
to lose you, too.

So just stop it,
stop it, stop it,

stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop...

Was that vodka?

Oh, sorry.

OK. I just have to

cover this puddle under
the water heater.

Damn.

You look like you're
built for lifting.

Help me out.

All right. So you liked
the mahimahi last time.

You wanna go for it again?

Mahimahi's for mehee-mehee.

Look. It's Father
McAndrew again.

Oh, crap! What, does
the guy live here?

What is your problem?

He'll come over
here, take one look

and know we've been praying
for football and shoes

and that parking
spot we just got.

Carrie.

Doug?

Hey, I got it. They have it.
Tartar sauce.

Well, it was wonderful
to see you last Sunday.

And you should know,
thanks to your prayers,

that Mrs. Donnelly is
doing much better.

Actually, you know,
not just our prayers.

It's not like we have...
special powers or anything.

So will I be seeing you
at my 5:30 mass today?

Hey, try and keep us away.

Oh! There's my number.

Can't say mass on
an empty stomach.

Mm-mm. No. OK.

Bye-bye.

See? We healed Mrs. Donnelly.

You feel better now?

Oh, no.

What's the matter?

Father McAndrew's
circling the mahimahi.

So? So there's only
one piece left!

So we'll get something else.

Carrie, I just found out there's
a fish that tastes like meat.

There's no turning back now!

So what should we do?

I think I'll have the, um...

halibut.

Please include in your prayers

Father McAndrew who
is violently ill

with salmonella poisoning.

OK. What just happened
here, really?

We poisoned our priest.

No. We did not
poison our priest.

The halibut did.

Oh, wake up, Carrie.

We're on a praying spree...
taking down everyone in our path!

We're like the Bonnie
and Clyde of prayer!

Let's calm down.

Bonnie and Clyde, they robbed banks.
They killed people.

We asked God for
a piece of fish.

What happened today
was a sign, OK?

We should leave prayer to the
people who know how to use it!

Doug, if it were a sign, Father
McAndrew wouldn't be the one punished.

We would be. There would
be locusts or frogs or...

or hail!

Arthur: Flood!

I'll see you in hell.

Morning.

Mmm... morning!

I have your tea.

Just set it here.

Thank you. That'll
be all, Douglas.

Thank you, Mr. Ling.

Oh, what could have been...