The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 2 - Window Pain - full transcript

Well, what have we here?

Robe, curlers.

I'll tell you, slap
on some pimple cream,

I'm takin' the whole day off.

Glass houses, buddy, OK?

Listen, I need you
to take this stuff

down to the dry cleaners today.

Go to the one on Kissena,
don't go to Ritz.

That guy is an obnoxious jerk

and I hate him.

Whoa. Hate is a very
intense feeling to have



for a dry cleaner.

Perhaps you should say,
"I don't fancy him"

or, "He's not my cup of tea."

OK, you know what?

You're doing a lot of
talking for 7 A.M.

Morning, all.

Hey, Dad. What you got there?

Uh, some lovely picture frames.

I, uh, just bought them
to showcase the sketches

I'll be doing in
my new art class.

They already have
pictures in them.

Whose golden retriever is that?

Mine.

And this diploma from
Harvard Business School?



Also mine.

Dad, the new neighbors
are moving in.

That box belongs to them.

He's a Harvard M.B.A. He
can afford new frames!

Put it back now.

Fine.

Can I keep this wooden duck?

Go.

I don't know.

New next-door neighbors.

You know what that means, right?

The Sackskys are gone

and the block is
officially freak-free.

Oh, except for
that Goldberg boy.

You know, the one with
the really big eye?

You mean the one with
the really little eye.

Hmm. Well, either way,
he's still kinda freaky.

All right. I'll see you later.

Love you. Bye-bye.

Hey, I told you kids
to stay off the lawn!

Doug: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Just kiddin' around. Doug Heffernan.
How are ya?

Hey, Mike Haller. How are you?
Good to meet you.

Sweetie, I love the wine
rack by the window!

It's perfect!

Oh, I just stuck it
there for a second.

Happy accident.

This is my wife, Debi.

You forgot the dry
cleaning, moron!

And... that's my wife, Carrie.

Car, why don't you come down and
meet the new neighbors, hon?

Hi.

I, um, I usually wear clothes.

In fact, here's proof.

Ha ha ha! Hi.

Both: Hi. I'm Carrie.

Debi. Mike Haller.

Hi, Mike. So where you
guys moving from?

Oh, Manhattan.

We got tired of paying a
fortune for a shoe box.

Yeah, I'll tell
you what, though,

I am not looking forward
to the new commute.

What do you do, Mike?

I'm a stockbroker.

Oh. Hey, question for you.

Bear market or bull market,

which one's the good one?

'Cause they both sound
pretty damn strong.

Bull. Bull's the good one.

You know what? Then they ought
to really change bear to,

like, squirrel or something.

Seriously. Squirrel market.

Ha ha ha ha!

He's kidding, he's kidding.
Keep it bear.

So what do you do, Debi?

Oh, I was a lawyer, but
ever since I've had Jonah,

I basically stay at home
all day and produce milk.

Good to know in case
we ever run out.

I likes me cookies.

What do you guys do?

I'm with Kaplan,
Hornstein, and Steckler.

Oh, that's a great firm.
So you're a lawyer, too?

Uh, legal secretary.

Uh-huh, and Doug,
you're with IPS?

Oh, yeah, truck driver.

Beast of burden right here.

Great. Listen, as soon
as we get settled,

we'll love to have you over.

Yeah, absolutely. OK. All
right, have a good one.

Take care of yourself.
Nice meetin' ya.

Bye.

Their eyes couldn't be
better proportioned, huh?

Did you have to say
you're a truck driver?

I am a truck driver.

No, you're a courier for
International Parcel Service.

You deliver very important
packages internationally.

I pretty much never
leave Queens.

What is your problem?

I just don't think we
landed that great.

I mean, we're all schleppy and
he's this big stockbroker,

she's making her own milk.

Hey, when she starts makin' her
own soft serve, we'll talk.

See you tonight.

Hello, Spence.

Oh, hey, Arthur.

Riding the subway today, are we?

Yes, I'm taking an art course

and it requires me to use some
pretty unsavory transportation.

You have nothing to worry about.

This is a very safe line.

Said the man behind
the protective glass.

Well, I'm off.

Click me through, please.

I can't do that, Arthur.

You have to buy a
MetroCard or a token.

Ha! That's rich.

Seriously, I gotta move.
Come on.

I'm sorry. I can't do it.

Not even for your best friend?

We're not best friends.

Sure we are.

What's my last name?

Smith? Nope.

Cornfeld?

Arthur, it's $1.50.

Buy the freaking token!

Fine! I'll just go without
my medication today.

I'm sure my blood is
thin enough already.

All right, just go.

You're a man of honor, Spence.

By the way, it smells
like urine down here.

Take care of that, will ya?

Hey.

Hey, honey, where you been?

Errands and basketball.

I now have your dry cleaning

and some very sharp chest pains.

Thank you.

Wait a minute.

You took this to Ritz?

Hang on a second. I had
lunch at Cooper's.

Ritz is right next door.

I told you the guy
was rude to me.

Maybe he's got a crush on you

and that's just his way.

Oh, and look at this.

They didn't even get the stain
out of my green blouse.

Let me see.

They attached a note, huh?
Lookit.

"We tried and tried, but
we couldn't get it out."

Yeah. "We tried and tried."

That's twice that we know of.

This isn't funny.

All right, come on, it's
dry cleaning. Relax.

Don't tell me to relax.

All right, how does
settle down work for you?

You know what? Let me
tell you something, OK?

Great. OK. Thanks a lot!

I just stepped on my pants!

It's not just the
dry cleaning, Doug.

It's everything. This
happens all the time.

What are you talkin' about?

I ask you to do something,
you completely ignore me.

I mean, I would never be
that inconsiderate to you.

What does that mean?

Carrie, you spend half your life

criticizing everything I do.

That is not true!

I bring home takeout,
the food sucks.

I buy toilet paper,
it's not soft enough.

Oh, when have you
bought toilet paper?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

I bought great toilet paper
and did I get thanked for it?

No. All I got was,

"Oh, it's not quilted.
I hate it.

It's the worst thing that's
ever happened to me!"

This is so typical.

It's like that time I
asked you to please,

please send in the
fridge warranty.

Oh, here we go with the
fridge warranty again!

You don't forget anything.
You're like a freakin' elephant.

Oh, yeah. Out of the two
of us, I'm the elephant.

You just call me an elephant?

You just called me one!

I called you an elephant
for good memory.

You called me an
elephant for fatness!

Speaking of which, this
should be fun to clean up,

but, oh, wait a minute,
you won't because I will

because I always do
because I'm the only one

who ever cleans up
anything in this house!

If this house is
too much for you,

then I'll sell it! I'll
sell it right now!

I love this house!

I'll freakin' burn
it to the ground

before I let you sell it!

Debi: Bless you.

Mike: Thanks.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

What? What did I do now?

The window was open
this whole time.

So what?

So Mike and Debi
must have heard us.

Who? The new neighbors!

We already made a crappy
first impression.

Now they're gonna think
we fight all the time.

We do fight all the time.

No, we don't.

OK.

Doug, we do not
fight all the time.

We are a loving couple that
love each other very much.

We just called each
other elephants

and you threatened to
burn the house down.

Banter.

What do you care if
they heard, anyway?

Because they don't
know it's banter.

They don't know that's just
our way of airing things out

and we'll make love later.

We will?

No, I'm tired.

I don't want to
fight anymore, huh?

I mean, who cares what the
neighbors think about us, huh?

You should care what
we think about us.

Come on, I love you.

Hmm? Hmm.

I love you, too, honey!

What are you doin'?

Waiting for Mike and
Debi to come over

to return our mail.

They should be here any minute.

What?

Yep. I put a piece of
our mail in their slot.

That way, they have to
come over to return it

and we'll get a chance to chat and
show them what we're really like.

Or...

we could capture them,
lock 'em in our attic

till they realize how
delightful we are.

Doug, I'm sorry,

but I just can't stand the fact
the we're living next door

to nice, successful people
who think we're losers.

Uh! OK, come on, honey.
Here they come.

Come on, come on, come on!

Tuck in, tuck in, tuck in.
There ya go.

Bad idea. Tug back out, baby.
Tug back out.

All right, look! All right!

Hi, Spence.

Arthur, I did it as a favor
for you the other day,

but I can't let you
on for free again.

I see.

Well, I suppose
if I have to pay,

then I shall pay. All right.

No, it's not all right,
you little weasel.

You let me in this turnstile

or I'll pull you
through this slot

and ride you down those
stairs like a toboggan.

Look in my eyes.

Do I look like I'm kidding?

Do I?

What is this, jazz?

Yes, when Mike and
Debi get here,

I want to show them that
we are nice, normal people

with a certain sense of style.

And we couldn't get that
done with Kiss Alive 2?

No.

So, uh, how'd you rope
'em into this, anyway?

I didn't have to rope 'em in.

I just gave them a choice
of 10 different nights

we were available and
they picked this one.

Oh, OK, honey, that's them.

Now remember, you're
funny and I'm charming

and we love being together.
OK, come on.

Hey... wait.

Hi, you guys,

we are so glad to see you!

Lady and fella in the doorway!

Don't be shy. Come on.
Come on in.

It's really, uh, nice
of you to have us over.

Yeah, thanks. This is for you.

Scotch. Hope you like it.

Like it? He loves it. Big
scotch guy right here.

Oh, scotch is great. Love
the drink, love the tape.

OK, you guys sit
right on the couch.

There's some hors d'oeuvres.

Honey, you sit right
there in that chair,

and I will sit on your lap.

My big, sexy elephant.

This is nice.

These, um, little
quiches are so good.

Oh, I had the deli make 'em up.

The one around the corner?

Is the guy behind the
counter there kind of...

perverted? Yes.

Oh, my God.

I thought I was the only
one who thought so.

Oh, no, no, no. The
guy's a skeevo.

Who, Ralphie? Yeah, Ralphie.

He's always asking if I
want to see his sausage.

I mean, it's not even clever.

Oh, and I'm sorry. I do
not want to see a guy

behind a deli counter
wearing shorts that short.

Yeah, or shorts at all.

Yes, thank you.

Yet they keep going back.

Am I right, sir? Yes, they do.

Well, here's to finding
a new delicatessen.

Ah.

Carrie: Oh, you know there's
another deli 2 blocks down?

It's right behind
that shoe store.

Oh!

Hello, Spence.

What do you want?

I think you know what I want.

No! You know what?

I'm not letting you on for
free anymore, Arthur.

My whole life, everyone thinks

they can just push me around...

You, Larry Saccaricci
in the eighth grade,

my fruit guy.

Well, let me tell you something,

I'm putting a stop to
it right here and now.

I'm not takin' any
more bruised plums

and I'm not letting you
ride my subway for free!

My name is Spence Olchin.

I sell tokens.

Well, I didn't mean to put you
in an uncomfortable position.

Thank you for saying that.

What's that over there?

Where?

So long, douche!

So he thinks his name is Howard and Doug has
to answer because it's his boss, right?

So every time I call his work,

I have to ask for Howard.

That's so funny.

Hey, Howard, let me top you off.

Oh, uh, OK.

That's plenty, that's plenty.

I'm gonna go in the kitchen

and see if there's any more
of those mini quiches.

I'll be right back.

Your nails are great.

Is there a good nail
place around here?

Carrie: Oh, yeah, thank you.

Um, don't go to the place
around the corner.

The girl's very rude.
I hate her.

Debi: OK. Where should I go?

Go to Tina's, but
there's 4 Tina's,

so go to the one on Hillside Avenue.
That's the best.

Debi: OK. Carrie: Yeah.

Hey, here we go. All righty.

Doug, you didn't have to ditch the
scotch if you didn't like it.

I mean, it's not like I
made it or anything.

I drank it.

No, I saw you pour
it down the sink.

Ha ha ha ha. No. I drank it.

The... The pass-through
was a little open.

I drank it.

OK.

It was good. I liked it.

Great.

Take care and, hey, thanks
again for that scotch.

I may polish that
baby off tonight.

Whoo!

All right. I, uh...

Shut up!

I'm gonna make sure

all the windows are closed

and when I do,

you are dead!

Look, I didn't...

Shut up!

I didn't do anything.

Oh, no? No? You didn't pour
the scotch down the sink,

lie about it, and then stick to
the lie even after he caught you?

Yes, I did that.

It's just our luck

they bring over the
one thing on earth

you're not willing to
throw down your gullet.

Uh-uh.

This is all your fault.

You can stop whispering.

All the windows are closed.

OK. This is all your fault, OK?

You had to invite 'em over here

to prove how
sophisticated we are

with our jazz playing and
our scotch drinking.

I just wanted to show them that
we are a happy, loving couple.

Well, you should have known
we couldn't handle that!

Oy, what these people must think

when they look at us.

Oh, my God.

Do you see what's happened here?

We're the new
neighborhood freaks.

No, we're not.

Yes, we are.

When the Sackskys moved,

they left a freak void
and we filled it.

What about little-eyed Goldberg?

It's big-eyed
Goldberg and so what?

His features are a little off.

That's exotic.

I'd kill for a big
eye right now.

We're the freaks, Doug,
not the Goldberg boy.

We're the freaks!

Oh, spank me hard!

You gotta let it go. It's over.

I want to, but I can't.

Yes, you can.

This isn't the Carrie I know.

The Carrie I know doesn't
care what other people think.

She gets up every morning,

she gets dressed, she
walks out the front door,

and she gives the
world the finger.

I miss that Carrie.

You're right. You are so right.

I mean, who the hell do
they think they are?

"We're Mike and Debi. We're
tall and we drink scotch."

There you go!

I mean, we don't need them.
We got each other.

You and me, babe.

You know what? I
hate their guts.

Welcome back.

Car?

You home?

Car?

Debi: You didn't have to
buy us new scotch, Carrie.

Really, take it back.

Carrie: No, I want
you to have it.

I mean, I don't know
what Doug was thinking.

I mean, he's not a bad
guy, but he lies.

Actually, that's what we fight
about most of the time:

his lying.

I hear you!

What the hell are you doing?

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Just relax, OK?

Oh, now I'm supposed to relax?

What happened about
last night, huh?

Whatever happened to not carin'
what these people think?

Look, Doug, I'm sorry.
I was wrong, OK?

I mean, they're sitting over
there with their Harvard degrees

and their fancy babies and all
I've got that I'm proud of is us

and... and I wanted
them to know it.

Us?

I heard you in there.

You totally sold me out!

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

Honey, we gotta kiss or they're gonna
think something is wrong. Come on.

Something is wrong!

Stop it!

Look, whether you like it
or not, we are who we are.

OK, I drive a truck,
we hate scotch,

we fight like cats and dogs.
Deal with it.

I don't want to deal with it.

You don't want to deal with it?
Oh, OK.

You know what? You're right.

I don't hate scotch.

I love it. Oh, that's right.

I love... mmm.

Stop. They're gonna think you're crazy!
Stop it!

Oh, what am I,
embarrassing you, huh?

How about this for crazy, huh?

Want some?

You want some?

Excuse me. Carrie Heffernan?

Uh, yes?

What's going on?

Your father's been
jumping turnstiles

the last couple of days.

Don't say anything, darling.

They got nothin' on me.

You know why he
jumped the turnstile?

The whole damn family's crazy.

Sir, have you been drinking?

I haven't been drinkin'.

Sir, you have an open
bottle of scotch

and you reek of alcohol.

And that's all her fault!

Don't you yell at her,
you shirtless bastard.

Shut up! You shut up!

Make me, Grandpa!

All right, let's dance!

You have a place you can
stay tonight, ma'am?

The neighbors, maybe?

No.

You turned me in.

You're a bigger man
than I thought.

Just did what I had to do.

I respect that.

I'll take one token, please.

You got it.

And, uh...

this is for you.

In your face!