The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 1 - Arthur, Spooner - full transcript

Are you guys thirsty?
Yes, you are.

Would you like some
nice cold water?

Yes, you would. Yes, you would.

Has the pecking order
of the pack changed?

I usually get my water first.

Oh, I-I'm sorry.

Hey, Hol. Hey, Arthur.
How was your walk?

Well, the first half
hour was pretty smooth,

and then came the squirrel.

Hoo boy!

Here you go.



Um, Doug, do you have a second

to talk about something?

I guess that chicken carcass
ain't going anywhere.

What's up?

Um, well, it's my car.

The transmission's shot,

and now it only goes in
reverse, which is...

sort of terrifying when
you're driving it,

and, um, I was wondering

if I can get an
advance on my money

for walking Arthur.

Uh, how much?

Like say $700 worth?

$700?



I gotta be honest, Hol.

I don't think he's got $700
worth of walks left in him.

Oh, I think he does, and...

well, if it turns
out he doesn't,

then we can certainly talk
about some sort of refund.

You comfortable putting
that in writing?

Why don't you put
this in writing?

Carrie: Doug, you home?

Yeah, I'm in here.

Well, think about it. I mean,
let me know as soon as you can,

'cause if I get
pulled over again,

I'm gonna have to
sleep with the cop.

Bye, Carrie.

Oh, bye, Holly.

Honey, I have some
very exciting news.

You bought me my monkey.

OK, hon, you really gotta
let go of that dream.

What's up? All right,

well, my firm has this
giant civil case,

and Mr. Kaplan put me in charge

of getting all the
documents and depositions

organized and ready for court.

Well, it's exciting, but...

it's not monkey exciting.

No, but it's big for me
'cause I'm gonna be the boss.

I'm gonna be supervising
a whole staff of people.

I'm happy. That's
great, sweetie.

Thank you. Congrats.

Except there is one little
not so great thing about it.

Uh, Mr. Kaplan doesn't want
to disrupt the office.

So we're gonna kinda
be workin' late.

What do you mean?

Oh, from, uh...

8 p.m. to 6:00 in the morning.

What? Carrie, that's all night.

Look, I know, honey, but it's
only for a couple of weeks.

But, Carrie, by the time I get
home, you'll already be gone.

I'll never see you.

I know. It's going to be
tough on the both of us,

but I really want to do this,

so can't you find a way
to get through it?

Can I get a blow-up doll?

Sure, you can.

Hey, you can, uh...

put her in my clothes, make
her look just like me, huh?

Yeah, that's where I was headed.

Carrie: Hello, everyone.

Hi. Let's gather around
and introduce ourselves.

I am Carrie Heffernan, and I
will be the project supervisor.

Just want you guys to know
that my door's always open.

Of course, that's what happens
when you don't have a door.

Good stuff. OK, um...

why don't we talk a little
bit about ourselves

and what we hope to
accomplish with this project.

Um, George Barksdale?

Present.

And what brings you to us?

Well, the firm is trying
to force me to retire,

so they stuck me here
to break my will...

but it ain't gonna work.

I hear that.

OK, Priscilla Stasna.

That's you, I hope.

Yes?

And what do you hope to achieve
with this work experience?

Well, I'm in a pretty abusive
relationship right now, and...

I just want to be
somewhere safe at night.

Mmm, OK.

Great.

Uh, Neal Morrensy.

Yes?

Anything you'd like to say?

I was told I would be in charge.

OK.

Announcer: Maddux
rocks and deals...

Oh! And Piazza got
ahold of that one,

and if it stays fair, this
could be the ball game...

and it's out of here!

Yeah! Yes! Final score:
Mets 9, Braves 8.

Ho, ho, it does not
get better than this.

No, it do not.

Good night, New York Mets.

Good night, George
Foreman grill.

Good night, not
brushing my teeth.

OK. You fall asleep now,

you still got a nice 5 hours.

That's plenty. Just
fall asleep now.

I couldn't be wider awake.

I don't know. Maybe I should...

try that counting sheep thing.

Yeah, that's what I'll do, OK.

I got a nice meadow,
got my fence up.

Let the sheep start jumping.

One sheep.

2 sheep.

Sheep are cute.

♪ Mary had a little lamb... ♪

The paper chute keeps jamming.

Oh, well, George,

that's because you might
be trying to put in

a wee too many papers
in here all at once,

and you kinda got 'em going

in all different directions.

And is this the part where I'm
supposed to say, "I quit"?

Well, you go back and
tell them mucky-mucks

that George Barksdale
didn't take the bait.

No. No, no, George.
You're doing a great job.

I just think you might
be more helpful

taking over sorting out
the files for Priscilla,

and, Priscilla, I'm gonna
take you off the files

and put you on the copier.

What?

Why? I'm working
as fast as I can.

No, no, Priscilla.

It has nothing to
do with you, OK?

It's George.

What about me? Nothing, George.

Nothing.

Once again, great job.

Great job.

I couldn't take
over George's job.

He's become like a father to me.

OK, OK, how about this?

Uh, Priscilla, you
take over for Neal.

George will do the files,

and, Neal, I'm gonna have
you make the copies.

Make the copies?

All right. That degree in
marketing's really paying off.

Neal, I just need you
to do this for...

Look, I've made my peace with the
fact that I'm not in charge,

but for God sakes, don't make
me crawl through the mud.

I'm not trying to make you
crawl through the mud.

I am just trying to figure out

the best way to get
this job done.

Oh, so now you're yelling at me?

Relax! Relax!

Thank you. OK, all
right, how about this?

Everybody just keep doing
what you were doing.

Fine. Thank you.

Well, that's 5 minutes of
my life I won't get back.

You heading out to work?

Yeah. I really gotta get going.

No, you don't

'cause you missy are
taking a sick day

or, actually, in your case,
more of a sick night.

See what I did there?

I got the whole evening planned.

We're gonna cuddle up in bed.

We're gonna watch TV

until we just drift
off to sleep.

I didn't know where your
meal clock was right now.

So I made you oatmeal...

and a salad.

Honey, that is so sweet...

and a little nauseating,

but I really gotta go.

Come on. It's one night.

Look, I gotta be there.

Carrie, you're the boss. That's the
whole point of being the boss...

So you can screw off.

If I was the boss, I'd
never go to work.

Not one time. Not ever.

Well, we'll cross that
bridge when we come to it.

Look, come on!

Honey, look, you
don't understand.

The people working
for me are useless.

You know that guy who hangs
out in front of Arby's

with the foil helmet?

I would kill for him right now.

But I need you. I can't
sleep without you.

Got like 2 hours in
the last 5 nights.

You're gonna be fine. Come here.

Oh, no.

You ain't getting any of this.

Candy shop closed.

All right. Good-bye.

Do I smell oatmeal and salad?

Man, that really takes me back.

Pass the brown sugar, would ya?

And also the Russian dressing.

Any chance I can get you to take
this action down to your own room?

Well, I certainly would if my own room
had been equipped with basic cable

such as you'd find in
even the cheapest motel.

Fine. You know what? You can
stay till the end of the movie.

Thank you.

Blueberries and
croutons, please.

Here and here.

OK.

You know, funny story about Mr.
Clark Gable.

Man had ears like Dumbo.

They pinned them back with
flesh-colored clamps.

His entire career, he worked
in excruciating pain.

You'll notice in
Gone With The Wind

there's a scene with
Hattie McDaniel...

where he did nothing but wince.

Holly, thank you so much
for helping me out here.

Oh, no, this job saved my life.

I was literally about to
sleep with the mechanic

to get my car fixed.

Everyone, hi. I have an
announcement to make.

This is Holly Shumpert.

Hi.

And she's going to
be joining the team

for the remainder
of the project.

There's a real vote of confidence.
Thank you.

What is she, some kind
of efficiency expert?

No, no, no. I'm just a
friend of Carrie's.

Oh, so now we're
hiring our friends.

No, no, no. She just
works for me at home.

She's not a friend,
not a friend at all.

My mistake.

Look, look, everyone, you're
all doing a great job.

OK? You really are, but
we're a little behind.

We lost a lot of data when that root
beer was spilled on the computer.

I knew I was gonna
hear about that again.

So I just thought bringing
in a little extra help,

we would pull together as a team

and just get this job done.

So, what do you want me to do?

I'm gonna have to get
back to you on that.

♪ It's a beautiful morning...

Hey, boy.

What up, dog?

Hey, you want some breakfast?

In a surprising twist, I actually
made more than I can eat.

Wow. Sure.

Here ya go.

You're in a good mood.

Yeah, I finally got some sleep.

Oh, what? Carrie's back?

Nope.

Douglas, I seem to have lost
a sock up in the bedroom.

I assume it's twisted up
somewhere in the sheets.

You know what? I'll, uh...
I'll keep an eye out for it.

Hello, Deacon.

Hi.

Talk to me, Goose.

You know, we're upstairs
last night watching TV,

and the next thing I know, it's
morning, and I slept great.

Turns out I don't need Carrie.

I just need any warm
body laying next to me.

All right, well...

mazel tov to the new couple.

Hey, Arthur, can I get
you some breakfast?

Why, thank you, Douglas.

Oh, uh, by the way,

I saw that there's another
old movie on TV tonight.

So I was thinking maybe
you could shoot upstairs

and give me some of that running
commentary you know I love so much.

Arthur: Actually, I feel
like getting out tonight.

There's a mixer at
the Senior Center.

Oh, all right, well,
when ya get back...

pop up.

No can do.

I'll be home pretty late.

Um...

hey, instead of going to the
Senior Center, how about this?

How about this?

I take you to that seafood
place you love so much.

You get a couple Rob
Roys, throw them back,

and then have a nice,
beautiful dinner on me,

and then it's back
here for movie time.

Well, that sounds marvelous.

Yes, it does!

All right. Yeah.

We gotta go, bud. Come on.

So, uh, dressed and
ready by 7:00?

Aye, aye, Captain.

All right!

Later, Arthur.

Not bad, huh?

Oh, yeah. You still
got it, Player.

♪ Getting to know you

♪ Getting to know
all about you ♪

♪ Getting to like you

♪ Getting to hope you like me ♪

♪ Getting to know you

♪ Putting it my
way, but nicely ♪

♪ You are precisely
my cup of tea ♪

♪ Getting to know you

♪ Getting to feel
free and easy ♪

♪ When I am with you

♪ Getting to know what to say ♪

♪ Haven't you noticed

♪ Suddenly I'm
bright and breezy? ♪

♪ Because of all the
beautiful and new ♪

♪ Things I'm
learning about you ♪

♪ Day

♪ By

♪ Day

Hey, you.

Hey, Arthur!

I'm home.

Arthur: In here.

Hey, go grab your
knickers and your cap.

You and I are gonna
play some mini golf.

Then it's upstairs
for more boob tube.

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't.

I have a prior engagement.

Who's that? It's Mickey. Uh...

we're seeing a movie.

Let's go. I'm double-parked.

Oh, well, I guess I just assumed

we'd be doing something tonight.

Kinda wish you would
have checked with me

before you made other plans.

Well, I'm sorry
about the mix-up.

Well, he's sorry. I guess
that makes it all OK.

Did I walk into something weird?

What are you saying, Douglas?

I'm not allowed to have a
night out with my friends.

You know what? You're right.

You can do whatever you want.

As long as I'll be seeing
you later upstairs.

I don't think I like your tone.

All I'm saying is

I think I've been
treating you pretty well,

and so I want you...

upstairs.

Wait a minute.

Is this what all this is about?

The fancy dinners, the
rides in the country...

was that all just to get
me to sleep with you?

Oh, boy.

Oh, don't act surprised.

You knew what you
were getting into.

What?!

You ordered a $50 lobster.

What, you didn't think I was
going to come knocking?

That's the way it
works, sweetheart.

I see.

And here I was thinking
we had something special.

Silly me.

Let's go, Mickey.

Holly, Mimicking Carrie:
No, no, no, no.

I'm Carrie. I'm the
project supervisor.

You're doing it all wrong. No, the
subpoenas are supposed to go over here,

and then you broke
the copy machine.

You're bad, and I'm good.

Blah blah blah blah...

Priscilla: You have her nailed.

She does that angry
walk when she's mad.

She's like... Ugh,
ugh, ugh, ugh...

Hey, Car.

Hey. What you doing?

You mocking me?

No, no, no. I was just...

I was trying to
lighten the mood up.

Well, just, you
know, it's been...

it's been a little tense
here lately, so...

Oh, so, I guess imitations,
they lighten the mood?

Sometimes! Yeah? Oh, OK!

'Cause I got some
imitations of my own.

"I... I thought I was
supposed to be in charge.

"Why... Why is he
sharpening pencils?

That's supposed to be my job."

"Oh, you don't want
to be my friend?

Wah wah wah wah!"

Those didn't sound
anything like us.

Oh, no?

Oh, OK. Well, here's
one I know I can do.

OK, this is me
firing all of you,

and it goes a little
something like this.

You're all fired.

Neal: What? Yeah.

That's right. On out.

We'll mail your coats to ya.

Yeah, oh, I think
you had enough.

Neal: Unbelievable.

Oh, believe it, buddy boy.

Yeah, I can do it.
Watch it happen.

Right. Get to going.
Yeah, there ya go.

OK, you know what?
You're gone, too.

Bye-bye. Yeah, hit it.

No hablo inglés.

Yeah, you habla
now, honey, right?

I'm yelling at you. Yeah.

Hey, bud.

What do you want?

Whoa, hey, look...

I just wanted to apologize

for the way I acted before.

Nothing to apologize for.

I understand you
have physical needs,

and I was a fool to think it
was anything more than that.

OK.

OK, yes, look, it started
as a physical thing,

but then...

I don't know, after a
while, it became...

much more.

We really had some
good times together.

How about our day
on the Boardwalk,

playing Skee-Ball and...

getting stuck on top
of the Ferris wheel.

You told me that story
about how you were there

the day they demolished
Ebbets Field.

I mean, it was great.

Yeah, it was quite a sight,

seeing that old
ballpark go down.

I bet it was.

Well, thank you, Douglas.

I appreciate what you said.

Good night... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where ya going?

Downstairs.

Well, come on up. One more time.

For old time's sake.

Oh, I don't think so.

Come on. I can't.

It's really very late.

No, it's not late at all.
It's fine.

Well, I certainly
cannot spend the night.

Yeah, we'll see. OK.

What the...

Help me.

Thank you so much for
helping me out here.

I gotta tell you, you
are a lifesaver.

Well, the paper chute
keeps jamming.