The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 23 - Dog Shelter - full transcript
Doug and Carrie take a trip to Florida to visit Doug's parents. Doug finds out quite a few secrets from his childhood. Spence asks Arthur to help with the meeting of his girlfriend Denise and Spence's mom.
♪ My eyes are
gettin' weary ♪
♪ My back is gettin' tight
♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪
♪ On the Queensboro bridge
tonight ♪
♪ But I don't care,
'cause all I wanna do ♪
♪ Is cash my check and drive
right home to you ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby,
all my life ♪
♪ I will be drivin' home
to you ♪
All right, Dad, we're gonna be
in Florida for 3 days.
I made you
lunches and dinners,
but you're on your own
for breakfast, all right?
Well, breakfast is the most
important meal of the day,
but I'll find something.
Perhaps a stray
Cocoa Puff on the floor.
Dad, please don't start.
We visit Doug's parents
once a year.
Just deal with it.
How come you never
come visit me?
Well, you live here,
Dad.
I mean really visit.
Sit and chat, get to know
my likes, my dislikes,
my turn-ons, my turn-offs.
You know
what my turn-off is?
Old men who leave
their pajama fly open.
Well, you know
what my turn-off is?
So-called "happily married"
guys looking for a free show!
Joe, you shouldn't be
carrying our bags. Really.
Come on. It's my joy.
Doug, why are you letting
your father carry our bags?
Uh, it's his joy.
There they are!
Hey, Rocky!
Get up here!
[As Mickey From Rocky]
You're a bum!
You're a bum!
You're a bum!
[Normal Voice] Look at this.
Yeah, you remember Carrie.
You licked her face and got
sick from all the makeup.
Yeah.
I took it down a coat
just for you, Rocky.
So look around. You notice
anything different in here?
Uh, more wicker?
No. We painted.
Oh. Well, what color
was it before?
The same. We just
freshened it up.
OK, OK, the kids don't care
about the paint.
Listen, we got
a real treat for you.
We got all our old super-8s
transferred to video.
We've gone high-tech.
Oh, good for you.
Maybe someday
you'll get a phone
you don't
have to dial.
Hey, Arthur.
I need a favor.
You know
my girlfriend Denise?
The one with the balcony you
could do Shakespeare off of?
Yeah.
Anyway, um, she really
wants to meet my mother,
and I can't
put it off anymore,
and I know my mom is not
going to approve of her.
Why wouldn't she approve?
Well, you know, no one's
good enough for her son.
OK.
Listen, listen, listen.
You know my mom
really likes you,
so I thought we could have
dinner here on neutral ground,
and you could be,
like, a buffer.
Elaborate.
Just--if things get tense
or awkward,
you jump in and say something
to distract my mom.
So you want me to be
your rodeo clown.
What's in it for me?
What do you want?
Let me see.
You work in the subway.
I want to drive a train.
You--
Are you crazy?
I--I just sell tokens.
I can't let you
drive a train.
Then I want to make announcements
over the loudspeaker.
I'm sitting on some very
funny subway banter
including a bawdy routine
about the "F" train.
I can't do that either.
Fine.
Then I'll take a metro
cap and a tie tack.
Done!
And the other guy
blinked.
Hey, look. Dougie's
high school graduation.
Hey, look at that!
That's me and you, buddy.
And that was
our bicentennial barbecue.
What are you--
Wear--wearing some kind
of Uncle Sam costume?
It was Wonder Woman.
Why were you wearing
Wonder Woman?
Ask her, OK?
She bought it.
It wasn't Wonder Woman.
It was Uncle Sam.
He doesn't know
what he's talking about.
Yeah, I was the only
Uncle Sam with cleavage.
Hey, look!
There you are again, buddy.
Huh?
You got that look
in your eye.
Do you wanna go outside
and do your business?
Come on. Let's go.
Now, you know what?
Do me a favor.
Pause it. Hey, Rocky?
As long
as we're on a break,
I'm gonna go do
some business myself.
Uh, Janet,
question for you.
How old was Doug
when he got Rocky?
Oh, I don't know. 11?
Doug's 38 now.
That's right.
You know, you look beautiful
in that top, darling.
Where did you buy that?
Well, then that would
make Rocky...27.
Oh, I don't think so.
Well, Janet...
38 minus 11 is 27.
What does such a pretty girl
need with math?
Janet.
OK.
Rocky died.
We replaced him 'cause we didn't
want Dougie to get upset.
Wow.
Don't you think
that's...unhealthy?
Unhealthy?
Look how happy Dougie is.
Hi!
So who's ready
for cheesecake?
This is great, huh?
My 2 best gals finally
breaking bread together.
Yeah, it's, um--
It's really great to
meet you, Mrs. Olchin.
Spence is just
such a wonderful guy.
You can thank me for that.
He was a little bastard
as a kid
till I spanked it
out of him.
Great. Thank you.
I smacked his bottom so red
it looked
like an Indian's ass.
Mom!
Excuse me!
Native American's ass.
Actually,
um, it's funny.
A couple of months ago, um, we were
just goofing around in the snow,
and Spence fell right on
some ice really hard.
Anyway, when we
got back to his place,
his butt was so red!
She's seen you naked?!
We agreed
you're saving yourself!
Mom!
Oh, no, um,
I didn't see him naked.
He told me
his butt was red...
over the phone.
I was in church.
You talk on the phone
in church?!
Arthur.
Yes?
Do you have
anything to say?
I don't think so.
Excuse me. I'm gonna
grab some ketchup.
[Mouths Words]
What are you doing in there?
You're supposed to jump in
if things get tense.
I thought it was going
magnificently.
It is not!
Just jump in, OK?
So I finally
had to tell Spence,
"you can watch
Three's Company,
but your keep your hands
where I can see 'em."
Because I knew--
Hey! We're back!
And, uh, Arthur, you had a
question for my mom, didn't you?
Yes, I did.
Veronica, I was wondering,
is that your real hair?
What? Yes!
Uh-huh. And the teeth?
All except
the really white ones.
Well, the whole package
is exquisite.
Oh. Oh, Arthur.
You're so sweet.
OK, Rock. I'm gonna
throw these socks,
and you're gonna
go get 'em, OK?
[As Mickey From Rocky] And then
you're gonna eat lightnin'
and crap thunder.
[Normal Voice]
But not in the house.
All right, ready?
Here we go.
Go get the socks.
Go get 'em!
Doug: Come on. I
taught you this trick.
You know it.
Hello. Hello.
Doug.
Yeah?
You love Rocky, don't you?
Sure.
OK, this is hard for me.
[Clears Throat]
There's something that I kind
of feel like I should tell you,
but I don't really want to,
but you're an adult,
and I think you should know.
What?
Oy, how do I do this?
OK, what year
was the bicentennial?
1776.
No, that was
the actual thing.
I'm talking about
the anniversary.
That barbecue that you and
Rocky were at in that video.
Oh, 1976.
Right.
But you got
to give me props
for knowing 1776 in the
first place, right?
Absolutely.
Color me impressed.
Anyway, sweetie,
baby, my adorable husband,
if Rocky was already born
and grown in 1976,
and it's now 2003,
today that would make Rocky...
Well, uh...
That's not
the original Rocky?
We did it
for your own good, Dougie.
You were a sensitive kid.
We figured when Rocky went, you
wouldn't be able to handle it.
So--so this is
Rocky II?!
Actually, it's Rocky IV.
Oh, my God!
My dog died 3 times,
and you never told me?!
Darling, we were gonna
tell you about Rocky III,
honest to God,
but she died
right before your wedding.
She?!
I can't believe this!
We didn't want
to upset you.
As the kids like to say,
why go there?
Right, Joe?
Exactly. We just felt
there was some things
you were better off
not knowing.
Things?
Like what else?
Nothing else.
Just the dog.
Ah, tell the boy already.
The jig is up.
There is no jig.
There's no jig.
We've coddled him
long enough.
When you were little, you weren't
quite ready for the first grade.
Joe!
I'm telling him.
I'm gonna
hyperventilate.
You've been saying that
for 40 years,
and I've never seen you
do it once.
It's no big whoop-de-doo.
You had to repeat
kindergarten.
Oh, God.
What?
You told me that was
super kindergarten!
Look, you're upset.
I'm upset.
Let's just go
into the kitchen.
And we'll have
some lemon squares,
and we'll forget about
this whole thing.
No, no, no, no.
You're not buying me off
with lemon squares
this time, all right?
Let's get this
all out in the open.
What--what else
don't I know?
Nothing.
You might as well
tell him about Montreal.
No, no!
M-Montreal? No-Nothing
good happens in Montreal.
OK, listen.
When I was 8 months pregnant
with you
we went to Montreal
for a wedding.
I didn't know that I was
gonna give birth early.
You were born in Canada.
It's no big deal.
Oh, my God!
I'm Canadian!
What if I was gonna
run for president?!
When were you gonna
tell me?!
We were kind of
rolling the dice
you wouldn't throw
your hat in the ring.
I don't even know you.
Hey, so did you talk to your parents?
How'd it go?
Yeah, I talked to them.
Well, don't be too hard
on them, honey--
Hey, you know what?
Don't touch me.
What?!
Why are you
mad at me?
I don't know. Maybe because before
you brought this whole thing up,
my life was perfect.
I was an American citizen
with a 27-year-old dog
who just happened to be the biggest
kid in super kindergarten.
What?
Yeah, that's right.
I learned a couple more things about
myself tonight. Thanks a lot.
Oh, are you seriously
blaming me for this?
Yes, I am, or as my countrymen
would say, "Yes, I am, eh?"
Doug...
come on. Take a breath,
and think about
what you're saying here.
You're saying you'd rather
live a fake, sheltered life
than know the truth
about things?
Yeah.
You can't live
that way!
Can and did and loved it!
Oh, that's right, because
the way you were raised,
everybody
loves everybody.
Nobody ever dies. The world
is made of marshmallows.
♪ La la la la
It's dysfunctional!
No, it isn't!
It doesn't matter
if the world is
made of marshmallows
or if people just think the
world is made of marshmallows.
Either way, you're happy.
You got it?
Not really, no.
The point is, my family
had a nice system in place.
Oh, really? Tell me. How did they
manage to break the news to you
that Santa Claus
doesn't exist?
Oh! Oh, my God!
I didn't just let the cat
out of the bag, did I?
You know, why'd you even have
to stick your nose in this?
What does this-- What does
this have to do with you?
Excuse me. It has everything
to do with me, OK?
Your whole life, your
parents have shielded you
from every possible
unpleasant thing.
And I'm not just talking
about pretending
that pets are immortal.
I mean, you-- you've never had
to carry your own luggage
or wash a dish.
They've treated you
like a baby.
That's what I'm stuck
with now-- a big baby.
Are not.
Really? OK,
who pays every bill?
Who writes every
condolence card?
Who tips the frickin'
mailman every Christmas?
Hey, who tips the pizza guy
every other day, huh?
Yeah, yeah.
OK, come on.
Listen, honey,
hopefully one day we're
gonna be parents ourselves,
and we can't teach them
that when bad things happen
they should just bury their
heads in the ground.
[Sighs]
Could if the ground
was made of marshmallows.
Yeah, but it isn't, and we're not
gonna teach them that it is.
Not even
when they're little?
No.
Do you have
any marshmallows?
So I see this guy
at Pathmark,
and he's wearing
a pair of shoes
I rented to him at the bowling
alley the day before.
He stole 'em!
Son of a bitch!
Did you call the police?
No, I went up to him
and I said,
"You better give me
those shoes back,
or there is gonna be a big
clean-up in aisle 3."
He went home
in socks.
I love vigilante justice.
Looks like you might be
driving the "F" train, buddy.
Anyway, to thank me, my manager
let me pick all the songs
for glow-in-the-dark
disco bowling.
F.Y.I., I worked
in a bowling alley years ago.
Oh, really?
Yes.
Cherish every minute you're spraying
fungicide into those shoes,
because these are
the best days of your life.
I don't know.
It's OK, I guess,
but sometimes they make
me work double shifts.
That I don't care for.
So take it up
with your union rep.
Oh, we don't have
a union.
Really?
Then you have to organize.
Oh, actually,
I'm thinking of leaving.
I just put in an application
at Lady Foot Locker.
So you're just gonna leave,
and let the next poor schmuck
suffer in a unionless shop?
Hey, Arthur,
what are you doing?
She's a disgrace. She cares
about nobody but herself.
Who is he to you again?
I'm a man who's
onto you, scab!
What are you doing?
He likes this girl, Arthur!
What do you care?
You don't think
anybody's good enough
for him, anyway.
Who said that?
He did.
Oh, well, sure.
That's what I tell him,
but the truth is,
I mean, he's no Van Johnson.
I mean, look at him.
What?
OK, I think we can
all agree he's a loser.
The point is, no matter how
hopeless and unappealing he is--
Hey, Arthur!
Let me help you!
Whatever he is,
he can certainly
do better than her.
Oh, please.
Who else is he gonna get?
He's better off alone than with this
sex toy for the corporate fat cats!
What?!
I heard what you said about
that disco bowling night.
You don't get that
for a pair of shoes.
You get that on your back!
[Gasps] What?! That's it!
I'm out of here!
No, no! Denise! Denise,
wait a minute.
No, no, no, I'm leaving!
I don't want to see you
or your mother or your...
weird older male friend
again!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Sweetie! Sweetie!
[Door Slams]
Is it me, or was that
completely uncalled for?
Hey, guys.
What's going on?
Oh, you'll be
very happy to know
that I'm taking my father
to the doctor
for his colonoscopy.
Yay.
Could be fine.
Could be scary.
At his age, who knows
what the hell's in there.
But the point is, look, I would
never have done this before,
but, you know,
I'm an adult now,
and this
is what adults do.
Well, I am proud of you,
honey.
Thanks.
How about
being proud of me?
I'm the one
gettin' snaked.
Good luck.
Hey, there.
Hey, Janet.
You hear about Doug taking
his dad to the doctor?
Pretty big step, huh?
My boy's really
growing up, you know?
I feel like
it was just yesterday
he was sittin' in his jammies
eating a jelly sandwich
watching Heckle and Jeckle.
Actually, that was yesterday.
Oh.
Uh, Janet, listen. I want to
apologize to you for last night.
I don't want you to think that I
told Doug about Rocky out of spite.
I just felt
like he should know.
No, sweetheart,
he's 38 years old.
Eventually he's gotta learn that
life's got some bumps in it.
Exactly.
That's why being honest
and dealing with things head-on
is the only way to be.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
You're a very smart girl.
Um, as long as we're trying
to be honest,
do you mind
if I tell you something?
It's been weighing on me
for years.
Oh, sure.
What's up?
Doug was married
before?
He used to be
a girl?
What is it?
Bring it on.
Well, actually, sweetheart,
you remember when
you and Doug came to visit us
a few weeks
before your wedding?
Uh, the night
we played Pictionary
with Garry Shandling's
parents?
Yes. Anyway, when you went to
go to the pool that Sunday,
you left the door open,
and, uh, well...
that's how we lost
Rocky III.
He ran away?
She, dear.
Actually, she wandered over
to the lake,
and, uh, a gator got her.
A gator got her?
I didn't want you
to feel bad,
but it's been
on my mind for years.
I killed Rocky III?!
The gator did, dear,
but you didn't help.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
How could you
tell me this?!
I thought this was
what you wanted!
I don't want to be
a dog killer!
That's awful!
You see!
That's why it's no good
to say things!
I knew we were right!
I don't
know about his colon,
but his brain
ain't workin' too good.
Forgot his car keys, you
know what I'm sayin'?
I killed Rocky III.
What?
I fed her to an alligator.
Why did you tell her?!
She made me be more open.
That's not being open.
That's being stupid.
You killed my dog?
I feel terrible!
Of course
you feel terrible!
Because when you hear terrible
things, you feel terrible!
That's why we never said
terrible things around here!
Thank you!
Uh, Dougie,
can we do this later?
I got my colonoscopy.
Are you crazy?!
As far as I'm concerned, you
don't even have a colon.
Your body is just filled with
big, fluffy marshmallows.
And if anything
ever happens to him,
you go right out
to that golf course
and you get us
a Daddy II.
Everybody got that?!
Good!
So what do we do now?
All: ♪ Happy birthday,
dear Rocky ♪
♪ Happy birthday
to you ♪
He looks good
for 28, huh?
Mm-hmm, he looks
real good, honey.
P.A. Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
we now honor our neighbors
to the north
with the playing of Canada's
national anthem.
[O Canada Begins]
♪ O Canada
♪ Our home and native land
♪ True patriot love
♪ In all thy sons command
gettin' weary ♪
♪ My back is gettin' tight
♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪
♪ On the Queensboro bridge
tonight ♪
♪ But I don't care,
'cause all I wanna do ♪
♪ Is cash my check and drive
right home to you ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby,
all my life ♪
♪ I will be drivin' home
to you ♪
All right, Dad, we're gonna be
in Florida for 3 days.
I made you
lunches and dinners,
but you're on your own
for breakfast, all right?
Well, breakfast is the most
important meal of the day,
but I'll find something.
Perhaps a stray
Cocoa Puff on the floor.
Dad, please don't start.
We visit Doug's parents
once a year.
Just deal with it.
How come you never
come visit me?
Well, you live here,
Dad.
I mean really visit.
Sit and chat, get to know
my likes, my dislikes,
my turn-ons, my turn-offs.
You know
what my turn-off is?
Old men who leave
their pajama fly open.
Well, you know
what my turn-off is?
So-called "happily married"
guys looking for a free show!
Joe, you shouldn't be
carrying our bags. Really.
Come on. It's my joy.
Doug, why are you letting
your father carry our bags?
Uh, it's his joy.
There they are!
Hey, Rocky!
Get up here!
[As Mickey From Rocky]
You're a bum!
You're a bum!
You're a bum!
[Normal Voice] Look at this.
Yeah, you remember Carrie.
You licked her face and got
sick from all the makeup.
Yeah.
I took it down a coat
just for you, Rocky.
So look around. You notice
anything different in here?
Uh, more wicker?
No. We painted.
Oh. Well, what color
was it before?
The same. We just
freshened it up.
OK, OK, the kids don't care
about the paint.
Listen, we got
a real treat for you.
We got all our old super-8s
transferred to video.
We've gone high-tech.
Oh, good for you.
Maybe someday
you'll get a phone
you don't
have to dial.
Hey, Arthur.
I need a favor.
You know
my girlfriend Denise?
The one with the balcony you
could do Shakespeare off of?
Yeah.
Anyway, um, she really
wants to meet my mother,
and I can't
put it off anymore,
and I know my mom is not
going to approve of her.
Why wouldn't she approve?
Well, you know, no one's
good enough for her son.
OK.
Listen, listen, listen.
You know my mom
really likes you,
so I thought we could have
dinner here on neutral ground,
and you could be,
like, a buffer.
Elaborate.
Just--if things get tense
or awkward,
you jump in and say something
to distract my mom.
So you want me to be
your rodeo clown.
What's in it for me?
What do you want?
Let me see.
You work in the subway.
I want to drive a train.
You--
Are you crazy?
I--I just sell tokens.
I can't let you
drive a train.
Then I want to make announcements
over the loudspeaker.
I'm sitting on some very
funny subway banter
including a bawdy routine
about the "F" train.
I can't do that either.
Fine.
Then I'll take a metro
cap and a tie tack.
Done!
And the other guy
blinked.
Hey, look. Dougie's
high school graduation.
Hey, look at that!
That's me and you, buddy.
And that was
our bicentennial barbecue.
What are you--
Wear--wearing some kind
of Uncle Sam costume?
It was Wonder Woman.
Why were you wearing
Wonder Woman?
Ask her, OK?
She bought it.
It wasn't Wonder Woman.
It was Uncle Sam.
He doesn't know
what he's talking about.
Yeah, I was the only
Uncle Sam with cleavage.
Hey, look!
There you are again, buddy.
Huh?
You got that look
in your eye.
Do you wanna go outside
and do your business?
Come on. Let's go.
Now, you know what?
Do me a favor.
Pause it. Hey, Rocky?
As long
as we're on a break,
I'm gonna go do
some business myself.
Uh, Janet,
question for you.
How old was Doug
when he got Rocky?
Oh, I don't know. 11?
Doug's 38 now.
That's right.
You know, you look beautiful
in that top, darling.
Where did you buy that?
Well, then that would
make Rocky...27.
Oh, I don't think so.
Well, Janet...
38 minus 11 is 27.
What does such a pretty girl
need with math?
Janet.
OK.
Rocky died.
We replaced him 'cause we didn't
want Dougie to get upset.
Wow.
Don't you think
that's...unhealthy?
Unhealthy?
Look how happy Dougie is.
Hi!
So who's ready
for cheesecake?
This is great, huh?
My 2 best gals finally
breaking bread together.
Yeah, it's, um--
It's really great to
meet you, Mrs. Olchin.
Spence is just
such a wonderful guy.
You can thank me for that.
He was a little bastard
as a kid
till I spanked it
out of him.
Great. Thank you.
I smacked his bottom so red
it looked
like an Indian's ass.
Mom!
Excuse me!
Native American's ass.
Actually,
um, it's funny.
A couple of months ago, um, we were
just goofing around in the snow,
and Spence fell right on
some ice really hard.
Anyway, when we
got back to his place,
his butt was so red!
She's seen you naked?!
We agreed
you're saving yourself!
Mom!
Oh, no, um,
I didn't see him naked.
He told me
his butt was red...
over the phone.
I was in church.
You talk on the phone
in church?!
Arthur.
Yes?
Do you have
anything to say?
I don't think so.
Excuse me. I'm gonna
grab some ketchup.
[Mouths Words]
What are you doing in there?
You're supposed to jump in
if things get tense.
I thought it was going
magnificently.
It is not!
Just jump in, OK?
So I finally
had to tell Spence,
"you can watch
Three's Company,
but your keep your hands
where I can see 'em."
Because I knew--
Hey! We're back!
And, uh, Arthur, you had a
question for my mom, didn't you?
Yes, I did.
Veronica, I was wondering,
is that your real hair?
What? Yes!
Uh-huh. And the teeth?
All except
the really white ones.
Well, the whole package
is exquisite.
Oh. Oh, Arthur.
You're so sweet.
OK, Rock. I'm gonna
throw these socks,
and you're gonna
go get 'em, OK?
[As Mickey From Rocky] And then
you're gonna eat lightnin'
and crap thunder.
[Normal Voice]
But not in the house.
All right, ready?
Here we go.
Go get the socks.
Go get 'em!
Doug: Come on. I
taught you this trick.
You know it.
Hello. Hello.
Doug.
Yeah?
You love Rocky, don't you?
Sure.
OK, this is hard for me.
[Clears Throat]
There's something that I kind
of feel like I should tell you,
but I don't really want to,
but you're an adult,
and I think you should know.
What?
Oy, how do I do this?
OK, what year
was the bicentennial?
1776.
No, that was
the actual thing.
I'm talking about
the anniversary.
That barbecue that you and
Rocky were at in that video.
Oh, 1976.
Right.
But you got
to give me props
for knowing 1776 in the
first place, right?
Absolutely.
Color me impressed.
Anyway, sweetie,
baby, my adorable husband,
if Rocky was already born
and grown in 1976,
and it's now 2003,
today that would make Rocky...
Well, uh...
That's not
the original Rocky?
We did it
for your own good, Dougie.
You were a sensitive kid.
We figured when Rocky went, you
wouldn't be able to handle it.
So--so this is
Rocky II?!
Actually, it's Rocky IV.
Oh, my God!
My dog died 3 times,
and you never told me?!
Darling, we were gonna
tell you about Rocky III,
honest to God,
but she died
right before your wedding.
She?!
I can't believe this!
We didn't want
to upset you.
As the kids like to say,
why go there?
Right, Joe?
Exactly. We just felt
there was some things
you were better off
not knowing.
Things?
Like what else?
Nothing else.
Just the dog.
Ah, tell the boy already.
The jig is up.
There is no jig.
There's no jig.
We've coddled him
long enough.
When you were little, you weren't
quite ready for the first grade.
Joe!
I'm telling him.
I'm gonna
hyperventilate.
You've been saying that
for 40 years,
and I've never seen you
do it once.
It's no big whoop-de-doo.
You had to repeat
kindergarten.
Oh, God.
What?
You told me that was
super kindergarten!
Look, you're upset.
I'm upset.
Let's just go
into the kitchen.
And we'll have
some lemon squares,
and we'll forget about
this whole thing.
No, no, no, no.
You're not buying me off
with lemon squares
this time, all right?
Let's get this
all out in the open.
What--what else
don't I know?
Nothing.
You might as well
tell him about Montreal.
No, no!
M-Montreal? No-Nothing
good happens in Montreal.
OK, listen.
When I was 8 months pregnant
with you
we went to Montreal
for a wedding.
I didn't know that I was
gonna give birth early.
You were born in Canada.
It's no big deal.
Oh, my God!
I'm Canadian!
What if I was gonna
run for president?!
When were you gonna
tell me?!
We were kind of
rolling the dice
you wouldn't throw
your hat in the ring.
I don't even know you.
Hey, so did you talk to your parents?
How'd it go?
Yeah, I talked to them.
Well, don't be too hard
on them, honey--
Hey, you know what?
Don't touch me.
What?!
Why are you
mad at me?
I don't know. Maybe because before
you brought this whole thing up,
my life was perfect.
I was an American citizen
with a 27-year-old dog
who just happened to be the biggest
kid in super kindergarten.
What?
Yeah, that's right.
I learned a couple more things about
myself tonight. Thanks a lot.
Oh, are you seriously
blaming me for this?
Yes, I am, or as my countrymen
would say, "Yes, I am, eh?"
Doug...
come on. Take a breath,
and think about
what you're saying here.
You're saying you'd rather
live a fake, sheltered life
than know the truth
about things?
Yeah.
You can't live
that way!
Can and did and loved it!
Oh, that's right, because
the way you were raised,
everybody
loves everybody.
Nobody ever dies. The world
is made of marshmallows.
♪ La la la la
It's dysfunctional!
No, it isn't!
It doesn't matter
if the world is
made of marshmallows
or if people just think the
world is made of marshmallows.
Either way, you're happy.
You got it?
Not really, no.
The point is, my family
had a nice system in place.
Oh, really? Tell me. How did they
manage to break the news to you
that Santa Claus
doesn't exist?
Oh! Oh, my God!
I didn't just let the cat
out of the bag, did I?
You know, why'd you even have
to stick your nose in this?
What does this-- What does
this have to do with you?
Excuse me. It has everything
to do with me, OK?
Your whole life, your
parents have shielded you
from every possible
unpleasant thing.
And I'm not just talking
about pretending
that pets are immortal.
I mean, you-- you've never had
to carry your own luggage
or wash a dish.
They've treated you
like a baby.
That's what I'm stuck
with now-- a big baby.
Are not.
Really? OK,
who pays every bill?
Who writes every
condolence card?
Who tips the frickin'
mailman every Christmas?
Hey, who tips the pizza guy
every other day, huh?
Yeah, yeah.
OK, come on.
Listen, honey,
hopefully one day we're
gonna be parents ourselves,
and we can't teach them
that when bad things happen
they should just bury their
heads in the ground.
[Sighs]
Could if the ground
was made of marshmallows.
Yeah, but it isn't, and we're not
gonna teach them that it is.
Not even
when they're little?
No.
Do you have
any marshmallows?
So I see this guy
at Pathmark,
and he's wearing
a pair of shoes
I rented to him at the bowling
alley the day before.
He stole 'em!
Son of a bitch!
Did you call the police?
No, I went up to him
and I said,
"You better give me
those shoes back,
or there is gonna be a big
clean-up in aisle 3."
He went home
in socks.
I love vigilante justice.
Looks like you might be
driving the "F" train, buddy.
Anyway, to thank me, my manager
let me pick all the songs
for glow-in-the-dark
disco bowling.
F.Y.I., I worked
in a bowling alley years ago.
Oh, really?
Yes.
Cherish every minute you're spraying
fungicide into those shoes,
because these are
the best days of your life.
I don't know.
It's OK, I guess,
but sometimes they make
me work double shifts.
That I don't care for.
So take it up
with your union rep.
Oh, we don't have
a union.
Really?
Then you have to organize.
Oh, actually,
I'm thinking of leaving.
I just put in an application
at Lady Foot Locker.
So you're just gonna leave,
and let the next poor schmuck
suffer in a unionless shop?
Hey, Arthur,
what are you doing?
She's a disgrace. She cares
about nobody but herself.
Who is he to you again?
I'm a man who's
onto you, scab!
What are you doing?
He likes this girl, Arthur!
What do you care?
You don't think
anybody's good enough
for him, anyway.
Who said that?
He did.
Oh, well, sure.
That's what I tell him,
but the truth is,
I mean, he's no Van Johnson.
I mean, look at him.
What?
OK, I think we can
all agree he's a loser.
The point is, no matter how
hopeless and unappealing he is--
Hey, Arthur!
Let me help you!
Whatever he is,
he can certainly
do better than her.
Oh, please.
Who else is he gonna get?
He's better off alone than with this
sex toy for the corporate fat cats!
What?!
I heard what you said about
that disco bowling night.
You don't get that
for a pair of shoes.
You get that on your back!
[Gasps] What?! That's it!
I'm out of here!
No, no! Denise! Denise,
wait a minute.
No, no, no, I'm leaving!
I don't want to see you
or your mother or your...
weird older male friend
again!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Sweetie! Sweetie!
[Door Slams]
Is it me, or was that
completely uncalled for?
Hey, guys.
What's going on?
Oh, you'll be
very happy to know
that I'm taking my father
to the doctor
for his colonoscopy.
Yay.
Could be fine.
Could be scary.
At his age, who knows
what the hell's in there.
But the point is, look, I would
never have done this before,
but, you know,
I'm an adult now,
and this
is what adults do.
Well, I am proud of you,
honey.
Thanks.
How about
being proud of me?
I'm the one
gettin' snaked.
Good luck.
Hey, there.
Hey, Janet.
You hear about Doug taking
his dad to the doctor?
Pretty big step, huh?
My boy's really
growing up, you know?
I feel like
it was just yesterday
he was sittin' in his jammies
eating a jelly sandwich
watching Heckle and Jeckle.
Actually, that was yesterday.
Oh.
Uh, Janet, listen. I want to
apologize to you for last night.
I don't want you to think that I
told Doug about Rocky out of spite.
I just felt
like he should know.
No, sweetheart,
he's 38 years old.
Eventually he's gotta learn that
life's got some bumps in it.
Exactly.
That's why being honest
and dealing with things head-on
is the only way to be.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
You're a very smart girl.
Um, as long as we're trying
to be honest,
do you mind
if I tell you something?
It's been weighing on me
for years.
Oh, sure.
What's up?
Doug was married
before?
He used to be
a girl?
What is it?
Bring it on.
Well, actually, sweetheart,
you remember when
you and Doug came to visit us
a few weeks
before your wedding?
Uh, the night
we played Pictionary
with Garry Shandling's
parents?
Yes. Anyway, when you went to
go to the pool that Sunday,
you left the door open,
and, uh, well...
that's how we lost
Rocky III.
He ran away?
She, dear.
Actually, she wandered over
to the lake,
and, uh, a gator got her.
A gator got her?
I didn't want you
to feel bad,
but it's been
on my mind for years.
I killed Rocky III?!
The gator did, dear,
but you didn't help.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
How could you
tell me this?!
I thought this was
what you wanted!
I don't want to be
a dog killer!
That's awful!
You see!
That's why it's no good
to say things!
I knew we were right!
I don't
know about his colon,
but his brain
ain't workin' too good.
Forgot his car keys, you
know what I'm sayin'?
I killed Rocky III.
What?
I fed her to an alligator.
Why did you tell her?!
She made me be more open.
That's not being open.
That's being stupid.
You killed my dog?
I feel terrible!
Of course
you feel terrible!
Because when you hear terrible
things, you feel terrible!
That's why we never said
terrible things around here!
Thank you!
Uh, Dougie,
can we do this later?
I got my colonoscopy.
Are you crazy?!
As far as I'm concerned, you
don't even have a colon.
Your body is just filled with
big, fluffy marshmallows.
And if anything
ever happens to him,
you go right out
to that golf course
and you get us
a Daddy II.
Everybody got that?!
Good!
So what do we do now?
All: ♪ Happy birthday,
dear Rocky ♪
♪ Happy birthday
to you ♪
He looks good
for 28, huh?
Mm-hmm, he looks
real good, honey.
P.A. Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
we now honor our neighbors
to the north
with the playing of Canada's
national anthem.
[O Canada Begins]
♪ O Canada
♪ Our home and native land
♪ True patriot love
♪ In all thy sons command