The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 22 - Queens'bro Bridge - full transcript

[Telephone Rings]

Hello.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, hold on a second.
I'll get him.

Arthur, phone!

Who is it?

It's Louis DiRobertus
from some law firm.

Tell him to drop dead.

OK, I'm not gonna
tell him to drop dead.

Then tell him
to go to hell.

Not telling him that,
either.



Then you go to hell.

You go to hell!

Drop dead!

Sorry. Wrong number.

♪ My eyes are
gettin' weary ♪

♪ My back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪

♪ On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight ♪

♪ But I don't care,
'cause all I wanna do ♪

♪ Is cash my check and drive
right home to you ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby,
all my life ♪

♪ I will be drivin' home
to you ♪

I'm not gonna tell him
to go to hell, Dad!

Arthur:
Then you go to hell!



Oy!

Try again tomorrow.

OK, bye.

That lawyer again?

Yeah.

Why does he
keep calling?

What'd your father
do, anyway?

I don't know, but I'm
thinking we'd better be ready

to throw him in the car
and just drive.

Oh, man. You think
he knocked someone up

and they're hunting him
down for child support?

No.

How creepy
would that be?

Arthur's demon spawn
running around out there.

Eww.

Um...he is my father,
remember?

Oh, yeah.

Still.

Kids, I'm heading out
to the movies.

Got a sandwich
up my sleeve,

and a Mr. Pibb
in my breast pocket.

Do I look lumpy?

No more than usual.

Uh, Dad,
before you go, uh...

what's the story with this
lawyer who keeps calling?

Are you in some kind
of trouble or something?

Trouble? Oh, no.
Not at all, darling.

It's just about
some outstanding paperwork

for the house I own
over on Borcher Avenue

with my half-brother Skitch.

Well, have a good evening.

Borcher Avenue.

Oh! OK, that must have been
his aunt's house.

She died, like, 10 years ago,

and she didn't have any kids,

so she must have left it
to my dad and Skitch.

He owns a house?

Yeah, but I guess
he never did anything with it,

because he hates
my Uncle Skitch,

like Tom and Jerry hate,
you know what I'm saying?

He owns a house?

Yes.

The man who's stolen hundreds
of dollars in change from me

19 cents at a time
owns a house?!

Yes. Will you relax, Doug?

It's not like he ever
could have lived there.

He hasn't talked to my Uncle
Skitch in, like, 20 years.

The man who's walked in on
us having sex 9 times--

and me twice--
owns a house?!

Would you stop
making yourself crazy?

I mean, the good news is
maybe we'll get

a little inheritance
someday, all right?

Now,
I'm gonna go change.

Will you take the chicken
out of the freezer?

[Mouthing Words]

Chicken's
defrosting nicely.

I also took the liberty
of setting the table.

Now--

He's not moving out, Doug.

Why not?!

Because he's an old man, OK?

We can't just expect to throw
him in a empty house by himself

and hope he survives.

Why not?!

Because, Doug, when we left
him alone in this house

he started a small fire,

and managed to change
our long distance carrier.

Look, OK.
How about this?

What if he didn't
live there alone?

What about if he went
with his brother--

What's his name?
Snitch, Satch.

Skitch.
Yeah!

Where's he at? The brothers
could live together.

Did you hear
a word I said?

My father won't even
talk to him.

Oh, like, we talk to each
other so much really?

Look, Carrie, even if
they don't get along,

you know, they could
put a piece of tape

down the middle
of the house--

each take a side.

It worked
for the Brady kids.

Oh, really?
Did Peter ever call Greg

a son of a bitch
rat bastard?

May have. I didn't
see every episode.

Uh...I'm pretty sure
you did.

Look, can't we just
get them together.

See if they can
hash it out?

No, we can't. I tried.

When?!

A couple of years ago
I was going across

the George Washington Bridge.

I ran into Skitch.
He's a toll-taker there.

I got his number,
I gave it to my father,

who crumpled it up
and swallowed it.

He owns a house!

Carrie, do you understand
what's going on here?

It's like
we've been stranded

on Gilligan's Island
for the past 5 years,

and the whole time
there's a boat

on the other side
of the lagoon!

OK, so first
it's the Brady Bunch,

now it's Gilligan's Island.
What's next?

I Dream of Jeannie,
Doug?

Actually, yeah,

'cause I wish
he would move out.

OK, listen to me.

I agree,

if my dad and Skitch were
to become best friends

and move in together,
it would be fantastic.

But it's never
gonna happen.

Let me take a crack at it.

No!
Why not?!

Doug, come on. If you bring
this up to my father,

he's just gonna go crazy,
so I am begging you.

Please leave this alone.

Arthur: Swell of you to take
me to the circus, Douglas.

Sure, buddy.

Hey, how about when that
clown went to throw

that bucket of water
on you, huh?

It turned out
to be confetti.

He had me!
He really had me!

The look on your face.

Ahh, well...

time to hop across
the ol' G.W. Bridge

and head on home.

Hey, why don't you shimmy over

to that exact change lane
over there?

I always got
plenty of change on me.

I know you do.

No, I think we'll
stay here in Lane 9.

It's my,
uh, lucky number.

Wait a minute.

I know for a fact
that 5 is your lucky number.

What's going on here?

$6.00 please.

Hey, S. Spooner,
wait a second.

Isn't that your
half brother Skitch?

You know damn well it is,
you fat turncoat!

That you, Artie?

How you doing?

Let me out of this car.

Arthur, I got the child
safety locks on.

I think I can get past
child safety locks.

Just open it, Douglas!

[Honk] So how you been, Artie?

You never call.

[Singing Nonsense]

Would you just talk
to your brother?

So you must be Carrie's
husband, right?

Yeah, yeah. Doug Heffernan.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

So where are you
fellas coming from?

The circus?

Yeah, yeah.
[Honk]

Uh, you know what?
We're gonna whip around.

We'll see you
in about 25 minutes.

See you, Artie!
OK.

There are the fellas.

That's $6.00.

Oh, uh, can you break a 20?

I can only give you singles.
Is that all right?

You don't have any fives?

Why are we back here?!

So you can talk
to this man,

now, come on. He seems
very, very nice.

Nice? Thanks to him I went
all the way through school

being called "monkey boy."

Come on, Artie.

You had
those long arms,

and you didn't
help your cause

riding around on that
tricycle everywhere.

I don't know. Monkey boy sounds
pretty cool to me, you know?

Almost like a superhero.

This looks like a job
for Monkey Boy!

Well, I was his victim
in a thousand other ways, too.

I was bullied.
I was scapegoated.

I was constantly
being sneezed on!

Oh, all right,

I admit I did some pretty
stupid things to you.

Why?

Why?!

[Honk]

You chew on that.
Be right back.

I did those things because
it was the only way

I could get
Dad's approval.

Oh, yeah?

Well, what about
after he died?

You made fun of me in your
eulogy, for God's sake!

I thought that's what
he would have wanted.

That's $6.00.

[Honk]

Oh, we got a semi.
Gotta go.

[Tires Squeal]

You did so!
I did not.

You did!
Never!

At least 5 times.
Twice.

[Honk]

[Honk]

OK, that was
a $6.00 awkward pause.

Now, you two have had
your ups and downs,

but the bottom line is
you're half brothers.

Do you understand what a
special bond that is?

I never had
a half brother.

I had a full sister,
and it sucked.

Now, come on, guys.

What do you say you
bury the hatchet...

before it's too late?

[Honk Honk]

I'm sorry
for everything.

You were the best
half brother

a guy could have
asked for.

I was?

Sure you were.

Damn it, Artie,

I love you.

[Honking]
All right.

I love you, too,
Skitch.

Come here, you.

That'll be $6.00.

Wow.

This is sweet.

Hey, look at
this place, Skitchy.

Really takes me back.

Hey, remember when we used to
play hide-and-seek in here?

Oh, sure.
We had lots of fun.

Hey, if you guys decide
to move in together,

you can play hide-and-seek
whenever you want.

Oh, please.

At our age, we'd be lucky if
we played once on weekends.

So what do you think,
Skitchy?

Should we do this?!

It'd be a hell of a step up
from the room I'm renting

over that Chinese joint.

I knew I liked
the way you smelled.

Let's do it.

Great. Come on!

Let's go check out
the old backyard.

The old backyard.

Carrie: Hello!

Doug?

Welcome!

What--I--I just
came over from work.

I got your message. What
the hell is going on?

Well, Arthur and I happened to
be coming back from the circus,

and when we got
to the bridge--

Oh, Doug!

Would you let me finish,
Carrie, OK?

Yeah, we found Skitch.

And you know what?
They made up,

and they want
to live together.

They want to!

I told you
to leave this alone.

No, no,
what you said was,

if they could work it out,
that would be fantastic,

and I made it happen!

You shouldn't be
yelling at me.

You should be carrying me
out of here on your shoulders.

Not literally.
You would die.

I don't know.
I mean, come on.

Look at this place.
It's a disaster.

It's filthy. The--the
walls are crumbling.

The carpet's ripped.
Come on.

It's probably just protecting
beautiful hardwood floors.

Better yet. Cement.

That ain't going
anywhere right there.

All it needs is a little TLC.

I can fix it.

I don't know, I mean,
even if you did,

I don't want my dad living
this far away from us.

It's 6 blocks!

I've eaten sandwiches
longer than that.

I don't care. I just--I don't
think it's a good idea.

Why not? Give me one
reason why not.

Because I don't think it's the
right thing for my father.

OK, first of all,
I got to tell you

I think it's great
for your father.

And second of all,
what about you and me?

I mean, isn't it time we
started thinking about us?

Do you understand
what's going on here?

This is our chance to
finally get off the island.

The boat is
just there waiting.

It's like I'm the Professor
and you're Mary Ann.

All we gotta do is hop
on board and sail away!

Sail away with me!

Wait a second.

You're the Professor?

OK, I'm the Skipper.

Come on.
What do you say?

I don't know.
I mean, do you think my dad

would really be happy
here with Skitch?

Are you kidding?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where
you going with that, chief?

Oh, I was gonna take
Aunt Rita's room.

Oh, sorry.
Already got that one.

That's all right.

I'm the little brother, so
I'll take the smaller room.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Uh, I already turned that
into my art studio.

I need a place
to do my painting.

You paint?

Sure. By numbers.

So where am I
supposed to sleep?

The sewing room.

What?

There's barely room
for a bed in there,

and there's no windows.

Look, Artie, sometimes I
can't sleep at night.

I need to be
near my paints.

You haven't changed a bit!

I don't have
to put up with this.

I don't have to live
in a lousy sewing room!

It just so happens
I have a basement!

All right, so what
have you got?

8 1/2 feet.

Oh, good, all right, so
we'll put the desk there

and the bookcase
over there.

OK, and where precisely
will we be throwing down?

We have the old
fold-out couch for that,

and that will be
right here.

Sure all that stuff's
gonna fit here?

Yeah, well,
once we get the bed

and all this other crap
out of here,

we'll have
a lot of space.

OK. Don't laugh
when I say this:

old-fashioned popcorn machine.

Gotta say,
not hating it.

Hey, Deac,
I got another one.

♪ Ebony and ivory

♪ Live together
in perfect harm-- ♪

♪ --ony

I don't care if you are buying
me dinner at Appleby's.

I'm doing you a favor, and I
can leave anytime I want.

You're doing great,
but it's lunch.

Right over there, boys.

Oh.
There you go.

So you actually
play this thing?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Maybe Arthur and I
can get an act together.

I'll be the organ grinder,
he'll be the monkey.

We'll get him
a little round cap.

Nobody will know
the difference.

Come on, monkey boy.

Let's go make these fellas
some sandwiches,

and maybe I'll find
a banana for you.

Skitch is kind
of rough, isn't he?

What are you talking about?

I don't know. The way
he treats Arthur.

He's just playing with him.

It's hilarious. It's like
they're a comedy team.

Arthur's been taking one gut
punch after another all day.

He's the straight man.

Whatever, man. I just
think it's kind of funky.

It's not funky,
it's happy, OK?

Everybody's happy, so if you feel the
need to create some sort of problem

between my father-in-law
and my...half-uncle-in-law,

then maybe
you should just go.

All right. See ya.

Actually, we've still
got to move the beds.

Hey.
Hey.

How's life
over at Phi Delta Spooner?

Excellent.

I got to tell you, honey, you were
right about this whole thing.

I feel like
a huge weight

has been lifted
off my head.

You know, I danced
a jig today.

That's right.
Right there on the subway.

A guy gave me a dollar.

You done good, baby.

You know me.
I aim to please.

No, sir.
I aim to please.

I have 5 years
to make up to you,

so after you drop this stuff
off at my dad's tonight,

it's all about Dougie.

Really?

That's right. I got a drum
of chocolate pudding,

and I ain't afraid
to use it.

Hello!

Skitch: Get the door,
will ya!

Costco delivery.

I come bearing cereal,
pasta,

and the last bottle
of shampoo you'll ever need.

Thank you.

Wow. The place looks great.

All that's left is for you
guys to sit back, relax,

and enjoy
the good life, huh?

Right.

Skitch: Hey, Bonzo,

my bath isn't
gonna draw itself.

OK. You guys seem like you're
in the middle of something,

so I'm going to take off.

OK.
Good night.

Skitch: Why the hell don't
I hear the water running?

You know, that's shampoo
and conditioner in one.

Yes, I do. I do.

Arthur, come here.

Look, I don't think you should
be living here with this guy.

So what do you
propose I do?

Well, I think
you should just...

Do you own any other
properties in the area?

A home? A piece of land
we could park a trailer on?

No.

OK, fine.
You should--

You should come home
with us.

But what about my room?

You've already turned it into
your popcorn and sex grotto.

I don't care about that, OK?

You shouldn't be
living here with this guy.

You should be home
in your own room,

living with
the people who...

well, the people
who love you.

Really?
Yeah.

Great.
I'll get my things,

tell that son
of a bitch good-bye,

and you, me, and Carrie will spend
a wonderful evening together.

Oh, uh, whoa.

What?

Tonight's not great. Um...

you think you might be able to
stick it out just one more day?

OK. All right.
OK.

Yeah, I know
I said today,

but could we push it
back to tomorrow?

All right.

Really want
you home, big guy,

but could you just
wait till Monday?

Fine.

Skitch: Artie, did you take
one of my Fig Newtons?

Oh, God.

Tell you what. Give me a call
the first of next month,

'cause I really want to make
this movin' back thing happen.

Carrie: Doug, you coming?

Be right there.
I got to go.

I'm back.

Deal with it.

Mmm.

This pudding is delicious.

You have any more?

We got a lot.