The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 21 - Clothes Encounter - full transcript

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary

♪ My back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪

♪ On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight ♪

♪ But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ Is cash my check and drive
right home to you ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby,
all my life ♪

♪ I will be drivin' home
to you ♪

Whatcha got there?

A Hungry-Man dinner.

But I'm making dinner
in half an hour.



Well, will you be offering me
"over one pound of food"?

It was my every hope
not to.

And will you be serving your
dinner in little compartments

'cause food just
tastes better that way?

I was just gonna stick with
the traditional plate format.

Well, then you've really made my
decision for me, haven't you?

All right, electric
bill, 75.14.

Thanks for
nothing, Con Ed.

Why can't we just make our
own electricity, you know?

Hook your dad up to,
like, a big hamster wheel.

All right, come on.
Make yourself useful.

Add up
on the calculator

all the bills I already paid.
OK, you ready?

Yes'm.



OK, 150.

18.95.

48.01.

OK.

And 75.14.

75.14.

What do you got?

6,000,382.

It seems high.

What do you want?

The calculator's
the size of a cracker.

My finger hits
all the buttons at once.

All right. So I am
getting 292.10,

which means we have
enough left over

to pay our
credit card bill.

For the month?

No, for good.

It's been hanging over
our heads for 6 years,

and it's
finally over.

Let me see that.

No longer being Master Card's
bitch? Priceless.

I gotta
tell you, honey,

we're really digging ourselves
out of the hole here.

I mean, we're paying off
our credit card bill,

we're paying
your parents back.

We're making
headway on the car.

You know what?

We may avoid debtor's
prison after all.

Sweet.
Yeah.

Although, in prison,

they serve food
in the little compartments.

No, I'm really
proud of us.

You know, this cutting
back, not eating out,

not shopping.
It's really helping.

Told you
we could do it.

I gotta
tell you, though.

The not
shopping part

has been
really hard on me.

I walk 6 blocks
out of my way to work

to avoid Bloomingdale's.

That's funny. I cut
through Bloomingdale's

to avoid Wendy's.

Hey, crazy thought here.

Since we've both
been so thrifty lately,

maybe tomorrow we could
each pick ourselves up

a little treat?

What do you mean?
I don't know.

Just a little
something to say,

"Hey, Doug. Hey, Carrie,
you done good."

I like the way
you think, big guy.

All right, let's meet here
tomorrow, treats in hand.

What's the matter?

5, 4, 3, 2...

one.

[Microwave Oven Beeps]

So close.

[Playing Harmonica]

Did that sound like the
beginning of Thunder Road?

The last time
I heard Thunder Road,

I didn't wanna kill myself,
so I'm gonna say no.

Well, I've only
had this thing

about an hour and a
half, so back it down.

Sorry. I'm stressed.

I'm having
some girlfriend trouble.

Really? Why don't you
tell it to the blues man?

[Plays Sloppy Blues Riff]

I'm sorry. What's up?

Denise is
terrified of dogs.

She won't even
set foot in my apartment

because of Allen here.

Are you sure
it's Allen

and not the life-sized
Lost In Space robot?

I'm being serious, man.

I don't know what to do.

Well, let's see.

You haven't had
a girlfriend in 5 years.

Why don't you take
the dog for a ride?

OK. Uh, I don't
like that kind of talk

even in jest, OK?
I gotta go.

Oh, come on! Hey, wait.

I'll play you a little
Spence's Theme, huh?

[Plays Harmonica]

Good-bye.

Carrie: Hello?

Hey!

Hey, honey.
What's that?

Uh, a little treat
I bought myself.

Listen.

[Plays Spence's Theme]

I call that
Carrie's Theme.

That's your treat?
Yeah.

How much was it?

It was,
like, 28 bucks,

and they threw in
the neck holder.

It's great. So now I
can play while I drive

or while
we make love.

What'd you get?

Oh, n-nothing
special.

Let me see.
What's in the bag?

[Mumbles]

Take it out. Come on.

A leather jacket?

How much did that cost?

400.

What?!

Well, I was gonna buy these
cute little bath soaps,

but then I saw this and I
just thought it would be...

better.

Well, you said we
should buy ourselves

something that
says we done good,

and this says
I done good!

No, that says I done spent
a crapload of money!

All right, you know what?
You're right.

You're right. I'm
gonna take it back.

I can't believe you!

We just
got out of debt,

and you go out and
do something like this?

You're right. You're right.
I mean, $400,

that's gonna put us
right back in the hole.

I just said
I will take it back.

Well, you gave in too soon!
I'm still mad!

That's our new Yves Saint
Laurent summer suit.

Isn't it fun?

Oh, yes.

It's beautiful.

You know,
it's 20% off.

It normally
goes for 1,800.

Oh, great.

Uh, no. No.
I'm just here

to return
a leather jacket.

I bought it
yesterday.

Oh. Was there
some problem with it?

Uh, no.
Actually, uh,

when I got home
last night,

it turns out
my husband

already bought me
a leather jacket.

He does that kind of
stuff all the time.

He's a doctor.

No problem. We have a
7-day return policy.

In fact, you could've enjoyed
this for 6 more days.

Check it out.

♪ Scaring me

You know
what this is?

This is the new Yves
Saint Laurent suit.

What? You went shopping?

I thought we
just talked about this.

Yeah. Guess how much
it cost me.

I'm guessing
more than $20.

Well, it sells
for $1,800,

but for me,
it was nothing.

Nada. Zip.

What?

That's right, I found a
loophole in the system!

I could still
go shopping.

If I see something I
like, I just buy it,

I tuck in the tags
when I wear it,

and then I keep it
really clean.

And then
in 7 to 30 days,

depending
on the store,

I take it back
for a full refund.

Slap it high!
Come on!

No, I ain't
slapping it high.

Why not?

Because what
you're doing is wrong.

It's not wrong.
I'm being thrifty.

No, you're
being shoplifty.

The only reason
stores let you return stuff

is if there's
a problem with it.

There is a problem
with it, Doug.

It cost $1,800.

Oh, slap it high, buddy!
Come on!

That's gotta stop
right there.

Come on. Look, I know I'm
not being Mother Theresa,

but we can't afford
to buy clothes right now,

and you know that I love
to have nice clothes.

So, if I do this
once in a while

to make myself feel good,
is that so wrong?

You're nuts,
you know that?

All right. Whatever.
Knock yourself out.

Thank you. Hey, you
want me to buy you

a Sony Playstation
for 7 to 30 days?

No. I want
no part of this.

All right.

Hey, so, um, what do
you want for dinner--

In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

[Microwave Oven Beeps]

Damn, I'm good.

Spence: OK, we're
coming out. You ready?

Sure.

OK. Hey, Allen.

This is Denise.
You remember Denise.

Don't worry. She does not have
a fire extinguisher today.

Say hi, Denise.

H-H-Hi, Allen.

I'm gonna set him down
here nice and slow.

There you go.

Now...

you can pet him.

Nice doggie.

Come on, touch him. He's
like a little brown pillow.

Aah! I did it!
I did it!

We're making
some real progress.

Now, I'm gonna go into the kitchen
and get us some beverages.

What? What?

I'll be right back.

I'm just gonna let
you two get acquainted.

Allen, Denise
was born in Michigan.

It's true.

See? You two did great.

How are you feeling?

OK, I guess.

I think the three of us are
gonna get along just fine.

Aah!

Aaaaah!

How could anyone be scared
of that little dog?

He's so cute.
His little bug eyes.

[Baby Talk] His little tail.
Whoo-hoo-hoo.

He's cute, right?

I've actually never
looked directly at him.

Hey, Spence,
I got you down

for chicken lo mein
and an egg roll.

Deac,
you got spare ribs

and beef and
broccoli, right?

Actually, I think
I ordered too much meat.

Really? I think you ordered
too much broccoli.

Hello, guys.

Hey, Car.

Doug:
Hey, babe.

Whoa!
Smokin' outfit!

Oh, this?
Just a little something

I picked up at a little
store called Prada.

But you're sweet.

Honey, we're ordering
Chinese food.

Do you want me to hang
on to the receipt

in case you wanna return
it when we're done?

Ha ha ha.

Listen, you can make
your little jokes,

but I gotta
tell you, honey.

Ever since I've been wearing
these clothes to work,

it's like
they don't look at me

like I'm just
a secretary anymore.

As a matter of fact, you
know what happened today?

Mr. Kaplan invited us to his
annual bash out in the Hamptons.

Things just
keep gettin' better.

Come on,
it'll be fun.

Oh! Oh. Little favor. What?

Um, this dress and these shoes
need to go back tomorrow

to 2
different stores.

I'm not
gonna have the time,

so if you could just
return the shoes for me,

that would be great.

Oh, no. I'm not getting
sucked into your web of...

bringing things back.

But, Doug,
you have to.

If not, then we just bought
a pair of $350 shoes.

[Sighs]

Well, what
do I even say?

OK, it's simple.

All you have to say is
these are a size 6.

Turns out
I needed 6 1/2,

and they don't have half
sizes, so you're home free.

Fine, but I'm
building that go-cart.

I'm returning these shoes.
It's a return.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'd like to,
uh, return these.

Oh. Pity.

Yeah.

Uh, they're a little
on the small side.

My wife's a 6 1/2,

and those there,
they're a 6.

But these are 6 1/2.

No, they're 6.
See? See the 6?

Yeah, but there's
an umlaut over the 6.

In Europe,
that means 6 1/2.

Why don't I get you
a size 7,

and those
should be right.

No. No. No 7s.
She'd be swimming in a 7.

But you just said
these were tight on her.

Yes. Um, you know, it's not
really a length issue.

Uh, her feet
are more roundish.

They're like hooves,
actually.

Uh-huh.

Would you excuse me
one second?

Yeah.

Heindrich?

Ja?

Hey.

What do you think of my
Dolce and Ga-borrowed?

That's great.
Here you go.

Are those the shoes?

I told you
to return those!

I couldn't do it.

What happened?!

I told you
exactly what to say!

You weren't there.

It was like
going through customs

with a suitcase
full of heroin.

This screws up
everything.

All right, the belt has to
go back to Gucci tomorrow,

so if I go during lunch, I can take
the shoes back in the morning.

Oh, crap. They
don't open till 10:00.

Don't these people
understand I have a job?

OK, the belt.
The belt. The belt.

Where's the belt?
Where's the belt?

Oh, my God.

Here's the belt.

Honey, oh,
don't touch that.

That hasn't
been processed.

OK. So, if I take
the shoes back at lunch,

they're a day late,
but I'll cry.

I think I could
push it through.

But the belt.
The belt. OK.

Oh, all right. I'll take it
when I take the sweater back.

They've got
a Gucci counter at Saks.

OK, everything's fine!

Mmm.

Everything not fine.

What's going on here?

You said you were only gonna do
this with a couple of things.

What difference
does it make?

Everything's gonna get
returned on time.

Carrie, there's,
like, 100 things in here.

What if you mess up?
What if we get stuck

having to pay
for something?

Everything is
under control, OK?

Everything gets tagged,
bagged, and returned on time.

The system works!

Yeah, it works great if you're
the guy in A Beautiful Mind.

It's not a system.
It's a disease.

Oh, come on.

No, it is. You buy
a bunch of stuff.

You get
a big buzz off that.

Then you turn around,
you bring it back.

It's like...

it's like you have
shopping bulimia.

All right. You know, you
are way over the top here.

It's not a disease.

It's just something
that makes me feel good.

End of story.

What are you doing?

Nothing.
I have an itch.

Your arm's
all red here.

Why is it...all red?

It's just where
I tuck in the tags.

Oh, my God. You've
given yourself a rash.

You have tag rash!

Would you stop?
It's nothing!

It's not nothing!
You're killing yourself.

Or at least irritating yourself
quite a bit on one arm.

Now this is getting
way out of control.

Carrie, it's taken
over your life.

But I can't take
this stuff back, Doug.

It's the nicest wardrobe
I've ever had.

It's not yours.

Now end this.
For me.

[Sighs]

Fine.

I'll take it back.

I may need
to borrow your truck.

Hey, buddy. You're gonna
love the Freibergers.

They've got
a big yard and kids.

And I'll be there
to see you every weekend.

You know, it'll
be just like old...

times. I'm sorry.

I said that
I wasn't gonna do this.

Can we, um,
move this along, please?

Yeah. I'll just, uh...

I'll just get my coat
and get him out of here.

[Woof Woof Woof]

He saved me!

I think
we're gonna make it.

Wow.

My boss has really
done good for himself, huh?

Yeah, if you're into the
sprawling beach estate thing.

Carrie!

Oh, speak of the devil.
Mr. Kaplan, hi.

Thank you so much
for inviting us.

You remember
my husband Doug.

Oh, sure.
Glad you could make it.

Oh, and that must
be little Harrison.

Yeah.

I got a wife,
3 nannies,

and something
they call an au pair,

and yet I'm stuck
holding the damn thing.

Could you hold him
for a second?

I wanna go
find Tiffany.

Oh, you know, I really
shouldn't, you know?

I've always been
a bit of a butterfingers.

You know,
even as a kid,

all my dolls
just...splat!

I trust you.

OK.

Thank you.

What is wrong
with you?

Nothing.

Carrie, he's a baby.
He's not a badger.

Hold him.

I just-- I really shouldn't
be holding him, that's all.

What do you mean?
What--why do you--

[Gasps]

Wait a second.

Is that one of those
expensive designer things?

I don't know.
I don't think so.

I thought you told me you
were bringing them all back.

I couldn't.

Why not?

I went through the room this morning.
It was empty.

Yes, because I brought 'em
all down to my dad's room.

I told him I won them
all in a game show.

I can't believe you.

How much did this thing
cost, anyway?

I don't know.

Shominy!

Stop.

I couldn't drag Tiffany
away from her friends.

She's busy showing off
her new lips.

Anyway,
big favor to ask.

Apparently this little
guy needs to be fed.

Would you mind
doing the honors?

Oh. Uh...

Boy, uh,
what you got there?

It's very, uh...
very blue.

Fresh mashed
blueberries.

Come on, Carrie.
Get in there.

OK. Here you go.

Make sure you get it all
in your mouth, buddy.

Careful there, honey. You're losing
a little on the left side there.

You know what? I'm just gonna
run and get you a napkin.

Kaplan: Uh-oh. I've
seen that look before.

[Choir Singing In Latin]

Oh, Doug,
I'm so sorry.

I'll go get someone
to get you a wet towel.

Well, at least
we own that.

Doug, you coming?

Let's get it on.

[Playing Harmonica]