The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 20 - Driving Reign - full transcript

Hey, Dad.

Kids, I've made the most
incredible discovery.

What, that I can't see
Sportscenter through you?

No. This.
I stumbled upon

a little slice of heaven
called the Dollar Store.

Guess how much
I paid for this.

I don't know.
How much?

A dollar!

Wow!

Not sure you needed
Jhericurl, though.

For a dollar,
how could I not need it?



I'm telling you, Douglas,
you should go there.

The prices are
unbeatable.

Hmm...unless
you go down

to the 99 Cents Store.

The what?

The 99 Cents Store. It's
exactly like the Dollar Store,

only everything's
a penny cheaper.

Those bastards saw me
coming a mile away!

That was fun.

♪ My eyes
are gettin' weary ♪

♪ My back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪

♪ On the Queensboro bridge
tonight ♪

♪ But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪



♪ Is cash my check and drive
right home to you ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby,
all my life ♪

♪ I will be drivin' home
to you ♪

OK, boys,
breakfast is served.

I thought you were goin'
to Dunkin' Donuts.

Change in plans.

Ling Gardens
is now open 24/7.

OK, just because a restaurant
is open 24-hours-a-day,

doesn't mean
you have to eat there

24-hours-a-day.

That's exactly
what it means.

Oh, how sad it that?

All those loaders
going after

the one open
driver spot.

Look at 'em filling out
their applications.

They're adorable.

You just want to
squeeze 'em, you know?

I wish I could keep a tiny
little loader at home as a pet.

My kids would love that.

And Sanchez...

I don't even think his
feet can reach the pedals.

Watch this.

Hey, Sanchez,

what'd you say your favorite
kind of bagel was again?

The plain.

Was it sesame?

[A La Tattoo]
The plain. The plain!

Hey, look. Your cousin Danny's

grabbing'
an application.

Doug: Oh, crap!

What?

Now he's gonna
be all over me

to help him out

and write him a letter
of recommendation.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, where the heck
is all the soy sauce?!

This is crazy.
I gotta go back.

There's soy sauce
right here.

Yeah, I know, I know.
That's what I'm saying.

There's too much.
I gotta bring some back.

I don't know,
we exchanged numbers,

but he hasn't called me.

Maybe I should just
give him a call.

Don't you dare!

If this Tito fellow
can't see

how special you are,

then he's not worth it.

I guess.

You're smart, successful,

and other than being
a little light

in the bazoom,

very attractive.

OK, now you've
got me blushing.

You know, Arthur,

at first you were
just this person

that I walked,
but I gotta say,

now you've become
so much more.

You've become
kind of like family.

Now you've
got me blushing.

Well, I better go. Cupcake's
sending up warning signals.

Oh, yes.

That certainly was Cupcake.

Bye.

Good-bye.

I was just paid
a wonderful compliment.

Holly said I was
like family to her.

Wow. She have a basement?

Don't worry, Douglas,
I love it here.

Hey.
Hey.

Listen, the wind is
blowing our trash can

down the middle
of the street.

I know. I saw it.

Those things get rolling
pretty good, huh?

[Telephone Rings]

Hello. Oh, hey, Danny.

[Whispering]
I'm not here!

Uh, no,
he's not here.

He's um...

out jogging.

He's at Jack in the Box.

Yeah.

Oh, that's great, Danny.

I'm sure you'll get it.

Yeah, yeah.

He'll be happy
to do that for you.

OK, honey. Bye-bye.

What is your problem?

Did you just say to him I'd write
a letter of recommendation?

Yeah. Why is that
such a big deal?

Beca--he only wants
to be a driver

'cause I'm a driver!

He's copying me again.

Copying you?

Yeah. When we were kids,
I got a Reggie Jackson mitt.

2 weeks later,
he got one.

When I dropped out
of junior college,

he dropped out
of junior college.

Then just last month, I went
on that juice diet...he did.

Did he gain 10 pounds
on it?

Look, you know what? There's no
point in even discussing this,

because the bottom line is

Danny's not right
for this job.

Oh, why's that?

Because when it comes
to driving,

he just
doesn't have...it.

OK, and by "it," do you
mean a driver's license?

Uh, excuse me,
it's a class "C" license.

And don't knock it.
It's paid for slightly less

than 1/2 of all of this.

Just be a good guy and write
the letter for your cousin.

Here...
[Sighs]

Unbelievable.

Does "dumb-ass" have
a hyphen?

Give it to me.

All right,

I'd like to introduce
the newest driver

to the IPS family,
Danny Heffernan.

You're now a member
of an elite force, son.

With great honor comes
great responsibility.

Make us proud.

All right, next item.

One of you pinheads
broke my stapler.

Until further notice,

my stapler is
off-limits.

That's it. Hit the
streets, everybody.

Heffernan, show your
cousin the ropes.

Hey, thanks a lot for
writin' that letter, buddy.

So, what's the dealio?

Am I gettin'
a good truck?

What's my route?
Where am I goin'?

You know what?
Your first delivery

is to Shut It Up
Industries.

You're not a loader
anymore.

You're a driver.
Act like one.

Right.

All right,
here she is.

So, what's the
first thing you do

when you get in
in the morning?

Uh, perimeter check.

Tire pressure, door
gates, and fluid levels.

Oh, boy.

What? That's what
it says in the manual.

I know what it says
in the manual, OK?

I'm here to teach you

what's not in the manual.
All right?

Do you hear that?
Come here.

You know what that is?

Uh...
We Will Rock You?

No. Listen!

You got
a rivet missing.

Mm-hmm. Hey,
can I have the keys now,

or are you just gonna--

The keys.

[Laughs] He wants the keys.
He wants the keys.

You just don't get it,
do you?

You know, this job
is a lot more

than just driving
a truck.

What else is it?

[Scoffs]
Customer relations!

You know,
when I first started,

there was this lady,
Mrs. Janowski.

She would hardly
open the door for me.

Now she bakes me
sugar cookies

in all different shapes.

You know, your stars, your
squares, your hearts.

OK, now that you've explained
to me what a shape is,

can I hit the road, or...

Are you questioning
my training methods?

No. No, no, no.
[Chuckles]

Tap the truck,
get a cookie. Got it!

You know what? I knew making you
a driver was a big mistake.

Mistake? Why'd you write that
letter of recommendation?

I didn't.
Carrie did.

What?
Yeah.

The truth is, I don't think
you can handle this job.

It's driving
and walking.

Get over yourself.

OK, if it's so easy,
hotshot,

why don't you
take my route today,

and I'll take
the trainee route?

I'll talk to O'Boyle
right now and make that happen

if you want me to.

Fine.
OK. Here you go.

Welcome to zone 8.

Or as you'll be calling it,

[Faking Crying]
"I can't do it."

Hey, Arthur, you were
right about Tito.

He called me
last night

begging me to go out
with him again.

Well, if there's
one thing I know,

it's how to get a man.

OK, Arthur, ready
for your walk?

You betcha.

Oh, I got you
a little something

just to say thanks
for being so nice.

Well, what is this?

"World's greatest
grandfather."

You know, you're like
a grandfather to me.

A grandfather?!

Why don't you just
kick me in the marbles?!

What?
Why are you mad?

Because I'm not
like a grandfather.

I'm like a father
to you.

I didn't mean to say that
you were old or anything.

It has nothing
to do with age.

It's about stature.

What?!

Grandfathers are
a dime a dozen.

That's why everyone
get's 2 of them.

Fathers are
the real McCoy.

They're the wind
beneath your wings.

If you can't see
that I'm your wind,

then you're dead to me!

Oh...got too rough
for you out there, huh?

You quit in the middle
of the day.

[Baby Talking] What's the
matter, the packages too heavy?

You couldn't see over
the steewing wheel?

Yeah, you were right, Doug.

I couldn't do your route
as fast as you.

I could only do it
46 minutes faster

than you've ever done it.

Heh heh heh heh.

Ooh, hear that tappin'?

That's the sound of this
loader dustin' your ass!

That's gotta hurt!

Think of it this way.

What would you
rather be, a piano,

or a grand piano?

A canyon,
or a Grand Canyon?

An ole opry,
or a Grand Ole Opry?

I ain't buyin'
your soap, lady.

Arthur, Arthur, listen.

I'm sorry that the trophy
hurt your feelings.

Just give it to me
and I'll take it back.

Why, you want
to swap it out

for a "world's best
fourth cousin" trophy?

No, Arthur, I just want
to get this over with

so we can go
on our walk.

Well, it's not
gonna be over

until you admit
what's obvious

to everyone else!

Fine. Fine. You're
like a father to me.

You are exactly
like a father to me!

I am?

Yes.

Come here.

Feels good, doesn't it?

[Sighs]

That's it,
let it out.

Hey, babe.

You!

What's the matter with--

Aa-aa-aah!
Doug...

Aaa-eee-aah!

What is going on
with you?

You just had to help

your precious little
Danny, didn't you?

Why? What happened? Did
he screw up or something?

No, he did great.

He did my route faster
than I've ever done it.

He did better than you?

I don't know why
you're so shocked.

According
to your letter,

he's
"infinitely talented."

Oh, come on, I had
to write something.

I couldn't say
he was a stumpy loser.

I can't believe this.

Well, what's
the big deal anyway?

It was his first day.

I got smoked
by a rookie.

I'm a disgrace
to my shorts!

You know what?

Give these to someone
who deserves 'em.

I gotta be honest
with you.

I don't think anyone
deserves these.

Doug, come on. Don't
get down on yourself.

You're
a great driver.

No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.

No, I'm not! You can't
be great at something

if you're not as good
as a stumpy loser.

Unless it's
a stumpy loser contest.

It's OK, baby. Really.

No, it's not. Look...

God...if he can just waltz
in there on his first day

and do better than me,
then...

what does it all mean?
I mean...

why do we even bother
gettin' up?

Well, you have other
things in your life

other than driving.

Like what?

Well...
you have me...

and your health...
sort of.

You know what it is?

It's like...

I--I take pride
in my work.

Before today,
I really thought

I brought something
special to the job.

Something that nobody
else but me could bring.

Really?

Yeah.

You know, sometimes
at the end of the day,

you know, after I had
a great run...

I actually thought
God put me on this earth

to get people
their packages.

Really?

Yes!

Doug, I'm sorry.

Don't take this
the wrong way,

but maybe you're expecting
a little too much

out of your
truck driving job.

I mean, I don't get any
fulfillment from my job.

What about last week?

You said you had
a great day at work.

Oh, I wore
some tight pants

and got some
good feedback.

I wouldn't suggest that
for you.

Look, come--

Honey, I-- I don't
know what to say.

I mean, we're not
doctors, you know.

We're not saving lives
with what we do.

We have jobs,
you know?

We punch in,
we cash our checks,

and then we come
home to each other.

And that should
be enough, OK?

I'm gonna go change.

[Sighs]

[Television On]
Woman: Oh, Johnny...

my sister Linda--

[Spinner Spinning]
Woman: Big money! Big money!

Man: Unemployed?
Need a job quick?

Well, become
a truck driver.

No education,
no problem.

No experience,
no problem.

If you can sit down,
you can be a driver.

Don't worry, guys,
we'll get going

as soon as
we pick up Arthur.

Arthur?

[Bicycle Bell Rings]

Right here,
darling.

What's going on?

You told me once you never
learned to ride a bike,

and I intend
to teach you.

Oh, Arthur, that's sweet,
but you really don't need--

Am I like a father
to you or not?!

You're like a father to me.
You're like a father to me.

Well, climb aboard.
OK.

Now, I've set up a
series of cones for you

in the alley.

You'll notice the degree
of difficulty increases

as you approach
Queens Boulevard.

Godspeed!

Hi.

Hey, man.

What are you doing?

I'm reading a book.

OK...

you know what?

Let me
ask you something.

Do you like
our jobs here?

I mean, are you proud
of what you do?

I drive boxes
around Queens.

I know, but when
you do it well,

do you think you're making
some small difference

in the world?

I drive boxes...

around Queens.

Then why are you here?

What do you even
do this for?

Uh, paycheck,
benefits,

I don't know
how to farm...

I mean, what are you
looking for, player?

You know what? Forget it, man.
Go back to your book.

What?

Oh, yeah,

little change in the
schedule there.

Uh, you--you gave Danny
my route.

Well, I gotta go with
the hot hand, Doug.

You just drive
the trainee route

a few more weeks,
huh?

And tell Palmer
stop with the readin'.

It's creepin' me out.

Hey, you know, there are
2 unwritten rules at IPS.

Eyes forward
at the urinal,

and you never steal
another guy's route.

And you broke 'em both.

I didn't steal
your route, OK?

And at the urinal,
again,

I thought I saw a quarter
next to your foot!

You are so out of line
on this!

How am I out of line?

Best drivers get
the best routes.

You taught me that.

Oh...so now you think

you're a better driver
than me?

Look, I don't want
to fight, all right?

I just want to have some
of Mrs. Janowski's

fresh-baked
sugar cookies

[High-Pitched Voice]
on my first day.

That's it, man.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!

You two have a problem,
you settle it the IPS way.

Tonight, Old Dugan Road.
8:00 sharp.

Oh, yeah!

That's what
I'm talking about.

Uh, actually, I got an
allergist thing at 7:30.

I might be a little late.

All right. Tonight.
Old Dugan Road. 8:00-ish!

Hey, did you, uh--

You soup me up
under there?

Oh, no. I couldn't
figure out how.

But you're good
on wiper fluid.

Good luck, brother.

Doug.

What are you doing here?

I called the depot

and they told me
what was going on.

Carrie, you're not stopping me.
I'm doing this.

I didn't come
to stop you, OK?

I just came
to give you this.

A packet of tartar sauce?

Yeah.
You brought it home

from your first
lunch break

of your first day
at IPS.

Remember back when
you used to eat fish?

Oh, yeah. Captain
Eddie's tartar sauce.

Yeah. You asked me to keep it because
of the fortune on the back. Read it.

"The most important thing
in life is drive."

Yeah. Remember you said
it was like a sign

that you were meant
to do this?

And, you know what?
You were right, Doug.

Your job is important.

I'm just sorry I didn't
see that sooner.

Are those my isotoners?

I couldn't find mine.

OK, let's get going,
guys.

All right. Hey,
good luck. Good luck.

All right, now, listen.

You kick that stumpy
loser's ass! OK?

Hi, Danny.

[Engines Starts, Revs]

Go on the drop!

[Engines Revving]

[Engine Won't Start]
Danny: No...no!

Having some problems
there, ace?

No, no. I'm fine.

[Engine Won't Catch]

You ain't gonna
start it like that.

I--I know
what I'm doing.

Stop pumping the gas!
It's fuel injection.

It floods if you pump it.
You should know that!

Stop yelling at me!

Well, you're
doing it wrong.

You're right. Damn it!

Aw...I can't do this.

You win.

You're the better driver.

You're always been
the better driver.

What are you talking about?
You beat me at my own route.

Aw, I cheated, OK?

I started early
and worked through lunch.

I didn't even deliver
all my packages.

Your truck was empty
when you brought it back.

Yeah, well,
my apartment's not.

What?!

It's just...

you've always been better
than me at everything.

Just once I wanted
to beat you at something.

But I'm just
a stupid loader,

and that's all
I'll ever be.

Oh, stop your cryin',
would you?

You're a driver for the
International Parcel Service!

Have some pride, man.

Now open the choke
and put it in neutral.

I can't.

[Shouting] Do it!

There. Now turn
the ignition key,

and just tap
the accelerator.

[Engine Starts]

All right.

Now put it in reverse.

OK.

Why'd I put it
in reverse.

'Cause now you're
goin' backwards, friend.

[Tires Screech]

Arthur, look.
I'm doing it!

I'm doing it!

Very good, honey.