The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 19 - Cowardly Lyin' - full transcript
When Doug tells Carrie he sometimes lies because he's afraid of her, they decide to be supportive to one another.
♪ My eyes are
gettin' weary ♪
♪ My back
is gettin' tight ♪
♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪
♪ On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight ♪
♪ But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪
♪ Is cash my check and drive
right home to you ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby,
all my life ♪
♪ I will be drivin' home
to you ♪
So I'm working the counter
at the bowling alley,
and Spence returns
his shoes.
And I'm about to spray them,
and he says, "Don't bother."
Then he pulls out this
little travel shoe sprayer,
like he's James Bond
or something.
I had to ask him out
right there on the spot.
Well, you're only
human, right?
Actually, most women
are turned on
by his asthma inhaler.
But for me, it's always
been the bite plate.
Anyway, since then,
it has been
a month of heaven,
right, cutie?
Mm-hmm!
Except for...
the incident.
Uh-oh!
Denise bought me the
ugliest contact paper
for my kitchen
drawers.
It's adorable!
Hey, it's not.
But if teddy bears
wearing aprons
is what you like,
then I support that
because that's
part of who you are.
Just like line dancing
is part of who you are.
Exactly!
Plus, there are plenty
of things we both like.
Like...
La Boheme!
La Boheme!
They're a cute couple,
but they just turned
a bad corner.
I wanted to see
La Boheme.
I love the opera.
Since when?
Uh, since I was a kid
and I saw Rigoletto
after Sarette
Hornblass' bat mitzvah.
OK, I didn't understand
one word in that sentence,
and I'm not going.
Doug, I felt
the same way as you
until I saw it.
I mean,
I went to mock,
I stayed to rock.
Please don't make me go.
All right, boys, time
for a little moo shu
and some
March madness.
That's what
I'm talking about.
College hoops, only my
favorite time of year.
OK, let's fire
this sucker up.
Who we got,
who we got?
OK, it's 5:00.
We got Southern Illinois
vs. American Samoa.
Who do you like, Deac?
I think this
is Samoa's year.
Yeah.
Keep it down a sec, guys,
I got a message here.
Carrie On Answering Machine:
Hey, hon, it's me. Listen,
one of the partners can get
me 2 free tickets tonight
for La Boheme. I have
to let him know by 6:00
or he's giving them
to someone else.
I promise you'll have
a good time.
Call me before 6:00, OK?
Love you, bye.
[Beeps]
Damn it!
Hey, La Boheme.
Good for you.
Know what
I'm doing tonight?
Not seeing La Boheme.
You know what? I'm not
seeing it, either.
I just--I gotta think
of a way out of this.
Why don't you just tell
Carrie you're watching hoops,
you don't
feel like going.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
The only problem is
I don't want one of her
boots in this area.
Well, then, you're
going to the opera, boy.
You best
get your mind right.
Wait a second.
I can't go to the opera
if I never heard
Carrie's message, right?
And I couldn't have
heard her message if...
I was working late! That's it!
Get everything up, guys.
We're out of here.
Go! Clean it up!
What? I just rolled
my first moo shu.
Yeah, well, you know what?
You can eat it
on the bus ride
home, all right?
We gotta get this room
looking exactly like it was
when we walked in.
Come on, let's go!
That's it. Next time,
we're watching TV
at the divorced guy's
house.
You know what? Don't
forget anything, too.
Carrie's got eyes
like a hawk.
All right.
Oh, man.
OK. Come on, let's go.
Hey, Deac,
hand me a napkin.
There's a little plum
sauce on the table.
Whoa! Hold it!
Wait a second.
OK, that's not plum sauce.
That's jelly from yesterday.
That stays.
Let's go, let's go!
Answering machine!
What about it?
Oh, my God. The light's
not flashing anymore.
Carrie's gonna know
I checked the message.
And we're back
at the opera.
No, no, no, no, no! Deac,
call me on your cell phone.
Leave a message. The
light will flash again
and both messages
will play as new.
I don't want to get in
the middle of this.
I'm kind of fond
of this area.
Fine, then,
Danny, you do it.
Really? Thanks.
OK, so, uh,
what do I say?
I don't know. Just say, "Doug, it's Danny.
Call me later."
Well, what am I
calling about?
It doesn't matter!
You know what, I can't
watch this anymore.
Thank you.
Gotta get me
some grown-ass friends.
[Telephone Rings]
Doug: Hey, you've
reached the Heffernans.
Leave a message.
[Machine Beeps]
Hey, man. Sorry you got
roped into the late shift.
Listen, remember to bring my
Coltrane CD to work tomorrow.
I gotta--
Kirby, I told you
to quit unbuckling
Major's car seat!
Boy, I will pull over and leave
your behind on the B.Q.E.!
That's what you want, huh? You
want to live on the highway?
That all right?
I got chills.
Doug? Doug!
Hey, hon.
Are you just
getting home now?
Yeah. I got stuck with the
late shift at the last minute.
What you got there?
The mail?
Yeah. I left you
a message earlier today.
I could've gotten us La
Boheme tickets for tonight
from one
of the partners.
Aww. Well, there's nothing
I could've done about it.
Nick Faruno's wife
went into labor.
Just what we need, another one
of him in the world, huh?
Ugh! God.
We, uh,
get any messages?
Well, I know
there's one from me.
Carrie:
Hey, hon, it's me.
Listen, one of the
partners can get me--
[Beeps]
Deacon: Hey, man.
Hey, sorry you got roped
into the late shift. Listen,
remember to bring my Coltrane CD
to work tomorrow.
I want to--
Kirby, I told you to quit
unbuckling Major's car seat!
Boy, I will pull over and leave
your behind on the B.Q.E.!
That what you want, huh? You
want to live on the highway?
[Dog Barks
On Answering Machine]
[Beeps]
Hmm.
You ask me,
that kid could use
a little taste of
highway life, huh?
Knock the sissy
out of him.
W-what are
you doing?
I just want to--
I just want to hear
something again.
Deacon: Leave your
behind on the B.Q.E.!
That what you want, huh? You
want to live on the highway?
[Dog Barks On Machine]
Hey, did you know there's
another outlet over here?
Come here, you gotta check this out!
It's wild! 3-prong!
You want to live
on the highway?
[Dog Barks]
[Beeps]
Hey, let's go
get pizza right now
like 2 crazy kids. Come on,
let's go right now, huh?
Who's hungry for fun?
Wh-what are you doing?
[Dog Barking]
That was
Pepper barking
on that message.
Deacon didn't
call from his car.
He called from
inside our house.
No, no, no. You know
what probably happened?
Pepper probably got out
and was chasing Deacon's
car on the highway.
Damn it,
keep your gate closed!
I gotta go talk to them.
Doug, Deacon left us
a phony message.
Why would he
do that?
Shh. We're both tense.
Let's get that pizza.
Doug, what the hell
is going on here?
Shh. I don't know.
Doug, tell me what the
hell is going on,
or so help me,
I will kill you.
And I don't mean
that funny,
"Oh, my God!
I'm gonna kill you."
I mean I will
stop your heart!
OK, I was home. OK, I heard
your stinking message.
I had Deacon
leave another one
so the light
would flash again.
Then I left
and I waited in the car
till you got home.
So you would rather
sit in the car
for 3 hours
then in a theater
for 2?
It's the opera! They sing
every word in foreign!
Oh, my God!
Carrie!
Do me a favor--
get away from me.
But it was
my only way out!
It wasn't
your only way out, Doug.
If you were a grown-up,
you would just say,
"Carrie, I don't want
to go to the opera,"
and that would've
been the end of it.
I did that, and it
wasn't the end of it.
It's never the end of it
until you crush me to dust!
Oh, I crush you
to dust.
Doug, I can barely
roll you off my arm
when we're sleeping.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I got a couple
pounds on you,
no argument there.
But don't you
kid yourself.
You're the one who rules
this relationship.
Oh, I rule the relationship. How
do I rule the relationship?
With fear.
I'm scared
of you, yeah.
Hmm.
You're scared of me.
Yeah, I said it.
And, frankly, I'm a little
scared that I said it.
You know, you are
so full of crap!
Not crap. Terror.
Terror?
You know what, Doug?
I don't think
this has to do
with you being scared
of me at all.
No, this
has to do with you
being a big selfish baby
and trying to cover it up.
Because
I'm scared of you!
Anyway, you think I like
having to lie all the time?
I mean, except
for our marriage,
I'm a pretty
honest guy.
So this lying,
you do it all the time?
No.
Yes, yes, I do.
Like when?
Give me an example.
All right,
um, well, you know
when you were upset at
the guys at the car wash
because you thought they
shorted out our power seats?
Yeah. Actually, that was me.
I was working
2 buttons at once
trying to get it
to buck.
Like Urban Cowboy,
you know.
But I got a letter
of apology from Enrique.
That was me
writing lefty.
I knew "gracias" wasn't
spelled with a "z"!
OK, what else?
All right, well, uh,
often I enjoy a pre-dinner
Whopper on my drive home.
Yeah, and you know why you
don't smell it on me?
Because I change
uniforms in the garage.
Yeah,
because of you,
I gotta stash uniforms
all over this place.
Wow!
That's one deceitful
and self-destructive.
Kudos!
Oh, Carrie, come on, all right?
I do what I gotta do
to keep this marriage
running smoothly, OK?
You just see
the sausage.
You don't see
how it's made.
Are you listening
to yourself?
I mean, I'm not
the scary one here.
Nuh-uh!
You're the scary one.
I am?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah?
Then how come
they didn't make a horror
movie called Doug?
Huh? Carrie? Yeah!
[Knock On Door]
I hope this
isn't a bad time.
Oh, no. No, come in.
OK, I just want
to go over my bill
for walking your dad
like we discussed.
I don't want you
to think
I cook the books
or anything.
Sure, sure.
OK.
On the 15th, I have a
charge for 89 cents
because I bought biscuits
for the other dogs
and Arthur got jealous and
demanded marshmallow Peeps.
Um...Holly, can I
ask you a question?
I know. When did the
price of Peeps go up?
I was stunned.
Do you find me...scary?
You know, I'll just pay
for the Peeps myself.
No, Holly, come on!
I really want to know.
Just be honest with me.
I mean, how do you feel
when you're around me?
Like right now?
Happy.
OK, well, I'm
looking right at you,
and I'm
not seeing happy.
I can do better.
Happy!
Holly, come on!
I just need you
to answer the question. I mean,
is that too much to ask?
I think we've been
pretty damn good to you.
Oh, God, are you
gonna fire me?
No, I'm not
gonna fire you!
I just need you to
answer the question.
What?
Am I scary?
No!
Holly!
Yes, yes,
you're terrifying me!
You've terrified me
since the day we met!
Thank you.
Here's Carrie!
[Warily] Hi.
Relax.
I come in peace.
Really? You're
not mad anymore?
No.
Look, I'm sorry.
I said some really
rough things last night
because I was
flailing, but...
you're great.
Well, you know, I can
be scary sometimes,
and I really don't like
that about myself.
Yeah,
but I'm very selfish,
and my lying has gotten
way out of control.
But you know what it is?
Sometimes we just--
We bring the worst
out in each other,
and it doesn't have
to be like that.
I mean, we could
have a more honest
and supportive
relationship
if we were willing
to work on it.
Sign me up for that.
Mm-wah!
Doug?
Yeah?
I thought we were
gonna work on it.
Now?
Yes, now!
Oh. OK. Well...
let's work on it.
OK.
What do we do?
Well, um,
well, why don't you try
telling me the truth
about something you
would normally hide,
and I will
try to respond
without making you
poop yourself.
All right, uh...
Oh, let me see. OK,
our--our Visa bill.
Have you--have you
looked at it yet?
No.
OK, well, there's
a charge on here
from a video store
for "G.G.W."
That stands for
Girls Gone Wild.
Uh-huh.
Now, I was planning on
telling you that "G.G.W."
stood for
George Washington.
And what were you
planning on telling me
the middle "G"
stood for?
Gary.
Gary. OK.
Well, I'm
just curious, Doug,
in a, you know,
supportive,
non-scary way,
of course,
why you would purchase
a Girls Gone Wild video
in the first place?
That's a good question, and
I support that question.
Mm-hmm.
There's something about
the "going wild" process
that fascinates me.
Right, right, right.
I mean, because
I could understand
why guys who aren't married
to attractive women
would want to buy
that video, but...
You know
what I'm saying?
Ha ha ha!
You do?
I do, I do.
OK, OK.
And yet
I don't know.
OK.
Ahem. So,
where is this video?
It's in
the My Fair Lady box.
OK. Well...
thank you
for telling me.
Thank you for
not getting upset.
No problem.
One other thing.
Yeah?
I'm gonna go to race
car driving school.
I'm sorry?
Yeah.
Jimmy from work,
his uncle
runs a place.
It's every Saturday for,
like, a few months.
OK. And what lie were you
planning on telling me
every time you snuck
out of the house?
I hadn't thought
of it yet.
Probably something
medical, you know.
Well...Doug--
A liiittle scary
on the Doug there.
Doug...honey...
I can't support
your race car driving
because I would
rather support
your continuing
to live.
I respect that,
and I would ask
that you would
support me anyway
because that is what a
supportive relationship
indeed is.
Hmm. OK.
And in that same
supportive vein,
would you go
to La Boheme with me?
No, but thank you
for asking.
Gee, it was
so sweet of you
to invite me
to lunch, Carrie.
Well, you're
dating Spence,
and he's our friend,
so, you know.
Oh, so is this
like a tradition?
Like, when Spence
gets a new girlfriend
you take her to lunch
to check her out?
Actually, it hasn't
come up that much.
No. Yeah, no,
I just wanted
to pick your brain
about something.
Oh, well, fine.
Just a leave a little
for me. Heh heh heh!
Right.
Right, right, right.
Listen, I noticed
that you and Spence
really respect and
support each other.
Oh, yeah. Um,
in our relationship,
that's job one.
OK, you see,
now, I've been trying to do
that with Doug recently,
and I gotta admit--
not loving it.
Well, I guess I feel that
way sometimes a little,
but I just
deal with it.
How?
Well, like,
for instance,
this Sunday is
our 6-week anniversary,
and, um,
Spence is missing it
to go to his
Dark Shadows convention.
But I'm OK with that because I
know it's important to him.
Dark Shadows?
What is that?
Um, it was, like, a soap
opera a long time ago
with, um, vampires,
I think.
But, um, like I said,
I'm OK with it
because I know
it's important to him.
You see, that's
what I'm talk--
I wish I could
be like that.
I mean, if it was my
boyfriend, I'd say,
"You selfish jerk! You're
gonna spend our anniversary
"with a bunch of dorks dressed
up like Count Chocula?
"OK, freak,
have a good time,
"because
when you get back,
I'm gonna punch your
fangs down your throat."
Oh, well. Can you
pass the ketchup?
I don't know
what got into her.
Suddenly, I gotta miss the
DarkShadows convention
for our 6-week
anniversary,
and she threatened to punch
my fangs down my throat.
It was
very disturbing.
Something wrong
with your Whopper?
No. Why?
Because
it's still there.
You know what it is?
The pre-dinner Whopper
was my favorite part
of the day,
but now that I don't have
to hide it from Carrie,
it's just a gross,
disgusting habit.
It was always that.
I know, but all the
hiding, all the deceit,
that's what
made it so great.
I gotta tell you, I miss
the thrill of the dance.
You know, Dark Shadows
is not Star Trek.
I mean, they don't have
conventions every week.
If I miss this one,
I'm looking
at a 3-year dry spell.
I cannot survive
in just the chat rooms!
Will you quit bitching
about it already?
Hey, I blew 70 bucks on a
Barnabas Collins costume,
and now it's worthless!
It's just worthless.
So go to the stupid
convention.
I can't!
Denise'll hate me.
Please, this is
so easy to pull off.
What are you
talking about?
You just have somebody
from work call you,
and you make sure
Denise picks up.
Then the work friend
pretends to be
from the Dark
Shadows convention,
says she's sorry to
hear you're canceling.
Denise'll
be so touched,
she'll think you're the
greatest guy in the world.
A few days later,
you have
the same person call,
leave another message
saying she's sorry,
but they can't refund your
money like they thought.
Denise'll feel so bad,
she'll send you there
in a freakin' limo.
That was brilliant.
I know.
Carrie: Hey.
Hey.
Did you have
a good afternoon?
Yeah. How about you?
Yeah, I did.
Well, I see you--
you had a Whopper again.
Um, no, actually,
I didn't have a Whopper.
What are you
talking about?
I am staring directly
at a piece of lettuce,
and the only lettuce
you let come near you
is on a hamburger.
You know, I was thinking
about what you said,
and you're right. I should
start eating healthier,
so I, uh...
I got a salad.
A salad?
Yeah.
Ohh. What kind of salad?
Insalata primavera.
So you only
had a salad today?
That's all.
Hmm. Oh!
What's this ketchup
packet doing here?
I made my own
Russian dressing.
What kind of salad
you say you had again?
Insalata primavera.
Insalata primavera. OK.
Excuse me.
Uh, Doug?
Yeah?
If you're lying, I will find
out, and I will kill you.
I know you will, honey.
I know.
OK.
Hmph!
And we're back.
You get
some slut from work
to make fake phone
calls for you?!
What kind of an idiot
do you think I am?!
If you ever pull a
stunt like that again,
I will beat you to within
an inch of your life!
Yeah!
Man On TV:
Fort Lauderdale!
Full of coeds
and possibilities!
Hey, what's your name?
Woman on TV: Lonnie.
Looking good!
Doug, this is not
Terms of Endearment.
Oh, crap.
gettin' weary ♪
♪ My back
is gettin' tight ♪
♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪
♪ On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight ♪
♪ But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪
♪ Is cash my check and drive
right home to you ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby,
all my life ♪
♪ I will be drivin' home
to you ♪
So I'm working the counter
at the bowling alley,
and Spence returns
his shoes.
And I'm about to spray them,
and he says, "Don't bother."
Then he pulls out this
little travel shoe sprayer,
like he's James Bond
or something.
I had to ask him out
right there on the spot.
Well, you're only
human, right?
Actually, most women
are turned on
by his asthma inhaler.
But for me, it's always
been the bite plate.
Anyway, since then,
it has been
a month of heaven,
right, cutie?
Mm-hmm!
Except for...
the incident.
Uh-oh!
Denise bought me the
ugliest contact paper
for my kitchen
drawers.
It's adorable!
Hey, it's not.
But if teddy bears
wearing aprons
is what you like,
then I support that
because that's
part of who you are.
Just like line dancing
is part of who you are.
Exactly!
Plus, there are plenty
of things we both like.
Like...
La Boheme!
La Boheme!
They're a cute couple,
but they just turned
a bad corner.
I wanted to see
La Boheme.
I love the opera.
Since when?
Uh, since I was a kid
and I saw Rigoletto
after Sarette
Hornblass' bat mitzvah.
OK, I didn't understand
one word in that sentence,
and I'm not going.
Doug, I felt
the same way as you
until I saw it.
I mean,
I went to mock,
I stayed to rock.
Please don't make me go.
All right, boys, time
for a little moo shu
and some
March madness.
That's what
I'm talking about.
College hoops, only my
favorite time of year.
OK, let's fire
this sucker up.
Who we got,
who we got?
OK, it's 5:00.
We got Southern Illinois
vs. American Samoa.
Who do you like, Deac?
I think this
is Samoa's year.
Yeah.
Keep it down a sec, guys,
I got a message here.
Carrie On Answering Machine:
Hey, hon, it's me. Listen,
one of the partners can get
me 2 free tickets tonight
for La Boheme. I have
to let him know by 6:00
or he's giving them
to someone else.
I promise you'll have
a good time.
Call me before 6:00, OK?
Love you, bye.
[Beeps]
Damn it!
Hey, La Boheme.
Good for you.
Know what
I'm doing tonight?
Not seeing La Boheme.
You know what? I'm not
seeing it, either.
I just--I gotta think
of a way out of this.
Why don't you just tell
Carrie you're watching hoops,
you don't
feel like going.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
The only problem is
I don't want one of her
boots in this area.
Well, then, you're
going to the opera, boy.
You best
get your mind right.
Wait a second.
I can't go to the opera
if I never heard
Carrie's message, right?
And I couldn't have
heard her message if...
I was working late! That's it!
Get everything up, guys.
We're out of here.
Go! Clean it up!
What? I just rolled
my first moo shu.
Yeah, well, you know what?
You can eat it
on the bus ride
home, all right?
We gotta get this room
looking exactly like it was
when we walked in.
Come on, let's go!
That's it. Next time,
we're watching TV
at the divorced guy's
house.
You know what? Don't
forget anything, too.
Carrie's got eyes
like a hawk.
All right.
Oh, man.
OK. Come on, let's go.
Hey, Deac,
hand me a napkin.
There's a little plum
sauce on the table.
Whoa! Hold it!
Wait a second.
OK, that's not plum sauce.
That's jelly from yesterday.
That stays.
Let's go, let's go!
Answering machine!
What about it?
Oh, my God. The light's
not flashing anymore.
Carrie's gonna know
I checked the message.
And we're back
at the opera.
No, no, no, no, no! Deac,
call me on your cell phone.
Leave a message. The
light will flash again
and both messages
will play as new.
I don't want to get in
the middle of this.
I'm kind of fond
of this area.
Fine, then,
Danny, you do it.
Really? Thanks.
OK, so, uh,
what do I say?
I don't know. Just say, "Doug, it's Danny.
Call me later."
Well, what am I
calling about?
It doesn't matter!
You know what, I can't
watch this anymore.
Thank you.
Gotta get me
some grown-ass friends.
[Telephone Rings]
Doug: Hey, you've
reached the Heffernans.
Leave a message.
[Machine Beeps]
Hey, man. Sorry you got
roped into the late shift.
Listen, remember to bring my
Coltrane CD to work tomorrow.
I gotta--
Kirby, I told you
to quit unbuckling
Major's car seat!
Boy, I will pull over and leave
your behind on the B.Q.E.!
That's what you want, huh? You
want to live on the highway?
That all right?
I got chills.
Doug? Doug!
Hey, hon.
Are you just
getting home now?
Yeah. I got stuck with the
late shift at the last minute.
What you got there?
The mail?
Yeah. I left you
a message earlier today.
I could've gotten us La
Boheme tickets for tonight
from one
of the partners.
Aww. Well, there's nothing
I could've done about it.
Nick Faruno's wife
went into labor.
Just what we need, another one
of him in the world, huh?
Ugh! God.
We, uh,
get any messages?
Well, I know
there's one from me.
Carrie:
Hey, hon, it's me.
Listen, one of the
partners can get me--
[Beeps]
Deacon: Hey, man.
Hey, sorry you got roped
into the late shift. Listen,
remember to bring my Coltrane CD
to work tomorrow.
I want to--
Kirby, I told you to quit
unbuckling Major's car seat!
Boy, I will pull over and leave
your behind on the B.Q.E.!
That what you want, huh? You
want to live on the highway?
[Dog Barks
On Answering Machine]
[Beeps]
Hmm.
You ask me,
that kid could use
a little taste of
highway life, huh?
Knock the sissy
out of him.
W-what are
you doing?
I just want to--
I just want to hear
something again.
Deacon: Leave your
behind on the B.Q.E.!
That what you want, huh? You
want to live on the highway?
[Dog Barks On Machine]
Hey, did you know there's
another outlet over here?
Come here, you gotta check this out!
It's wild! 3-prong!
You want to live
on the highway?
[Dog Barks]
[Beeps]
Hey, let's go
get pizza right now
like 2 crazy kids. Come on,
let's go right now, huh?
Who's hungry for fun?
Wh-what are you doing?
[Dog Barking]
That was
Pepper barking
on that message.
Deacon didn't
call from his car.
He called from
inside our house.
No, no, no. You know
what probably happened?
Pepper probably got out
and was chasing Deacon's
car on the highway.
Damn it,
keep your gate closed!
I gotta go talk to them.
Doug, Deacon left us
a phony message.
Why would he
do that?
Shh. We're both tense.
Let's get that pizza.
Doug, what the hell
is going on here?
Shh. I don't know.
Doug, tell me what the
hell is going on,
or so help me,
I will kill you.
And I don't mean
that funny,
"Oh, my God!
I'm gonna kill you."
I mean I will
stop your heart!
OK, I was home. OK, I heard
your stinking message.
I had Deacon
leave another one
so the light
would flash again.
Then I left
and I waited in the car
till you got home.
So you would rather
sit in the car
for 3 hours
then in a theater
for 2?
It's the opera! They sing
every word in foreign!
Oh, my God!
Carrie!
Do me a favor--
get away from me.
But it was
my only way out!
It wasn't
your only way out, Doug.
If you were a grown-up,
you would just say,
"Carrie, I don't want
to go to the opera,"
and that would've
been the end of it.
I did that, and it
wasn't the end of it.
It's never the end of it
until you crush me to dust!
Oh, I crush you
to dust.
Doug, I can barely
roll you off my arm
when we're sleeping.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I got a couple
pounds on you,
no argument there.
But don't you
kid yourself.
You're the one who rules
this relationship.
Oh, I rule the relationship. How
do I rule the relationship?
With fear.
I'm scared
of you, yeah.
Hmm.
You're scared of me.
Yeah, I said it.
And, frankly, I'm a little
scared that I said it.
You know, you are
so full of crap!
Not crap. Terror.
Terror?
You know what, Doug?
I don't think
this has to do
with you being scared
of me at all.
No, this
has to do with you
being a big selfish baby
and trying to cover it up.
Because
I'm scared of you!
Anyway, you think I like
having to lie all the time?
I mean, except
for our marriage,
I'm a pretty
honest guy.
So this lying,
you do it all the time?
No.
Yes, yes, I do.
Like when?
Give me an example.
All right,
um, well, you know
when you were upset at
the guys at the car wash
because you thought they
shorted out our power seats?
Yeah. Actually, that was me.
I was working
2 buttons at once
trying to get it
to buck.
Like Urban Cowboy,
you know.
But I got a letter
of apology from Enrique.
That was me
writing lefty.
I knew "gracias" wasn't
spelled with a "z"!
OK, what else?
All right, well, uh,
often I enjoy a pre-dinner
Whopper on my drive home.
Yeah, and you know why you
don't smell it on me?
Because I change
uniforms in the garage.
Yeah,
because of you,
I gotta stash uniforms
all over this place.
Wow!
That's one deceitful
and self-destructive.
Kudos!
Oh, Carrie, come on, all right?
I do what I gotta do
to keep this marriage
running smoothly, OK?
You just see
the sausage.
You don't see
how it's made.
Are you listening
to yourself?
I mean, I'm not
the scary one here.
Nuh-uh!
You're the scary one.
I am?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah?
Then how come
they didn't make a horror
movie called Doug?
Huh? Carrie? Yeah!
[Knock On Door]
I hope this
isn't a bad time.
Oh, no. No, come in.
OK, I just want
to go over my bill
for walking your dad
like we discussed.
I don't want you
to think
I cook the books
or anything.
Sure, sure.
OK.
On the 15th, I have a
charge for 89 cents
because I bought biscuits
for the other dogs
and Arthur got jealous and
demanded marshmallow Peeps.
Um...Holly, can I
ask you a question?
I know. When did the
price of Peeps go up?
I was stunned.
Do you find me...scary?
You know, I'll just pay
for the Peeps myself.
No, Holly, come on!
I really want to know.
Just be honest with me.
I mean, how do you feel
when you're around me?
Like right now?
Happy.
OK, well, I'm
looking right at you,
and I'm
not seeing happy.
I can do better.
Happy!
Holly, come on!
I just need you
to answer the question. I mean,
is that too much to ask?
I think we've been
pretty damn good to you.
Oh, God, are you
gonna fire me?
No, I'm not
gonna fire you!
I just need you to
answer the question.
What?
Am I scary?
No!
Holly!
Yes, yes,
you're terrifying me!
You've terrified me
since the day we met!
Thank you.
Here's Carrie!
[Warily] Hi.
Relax.
I come in peace.
Really? You're
not mad anymore?
No.
Look, I'm sorry.
I said some really
rough things last night
because I was
flailing, but...
you're great.
Well, you know, I can
be scary sometimes,
and I really don't like
that about myself.
Yeah,
but I'm very selfish,
and my lying has gotten
way out of control.
But you know what it is?
Sometimes we just--
We bring the worst
out in each other,
and it doesn't have
to be like that.
I mean, we could
have a more honest
and supportive
relationship
if we were willing
to work on it.
Sign me up for that.
Mm-wah!
Doug?
Yeah?
I thought we were
gonna work on it.
Now?
Yes, now!
Oh. OK. Well...
let's work on it.
OK.
What do we do?
Well, um,
well, why don't you try
telling me the truth
about something you
would normally hide,
and I will
try to respond
without making you
poop yourself.
All right, uh...
Oh, let me see. OK,
our--our Visa bill.
Have you--have you
looked at it yet?
No.
OK, well, there's
a charge on here
from a video store
for "G.G.W."
That stands for
Girls Gone Wild.
Uh-huh.
Now, I was planning on
telling you that "G.G.W."
stood for
George Washington.
And what were you
planning on telling me
the middle "G"
stood for?
Gary.
Gary. OK.
Well, I'm
just curious, Doug,
in a, you know,
supportive,
non-scary way,
of course,
why you would purchase
a Girls Gone Wild video
in the first place?
That's a good question, and
I support that question.
Mm-hmm.
There's something about
the "going wild" process
that fascinates me.
Right, right, right.
I mean, because
I could understand
why guys who aren't married
to attractive women
would want to buy
that video, but...
You know
what I'm saying?
Ha ha ha!
You do?
I do, I do.
OK, OK.
And yet
I don't know.
OK.
Ahem. So,
where is this video?
It's in
the My Fair Lady box.
OK. Well...
thank you
for telling me.
Thank you for
not getting upset.
No problem.
One other thing.
Yeah?
I'm gonna go to race
car driving school.
I'm sorry?
Yeah.
Jimmy from work,
his uncle
runs a place.
It's every Saturday for,
like, a few months.
OK. And what lie were you
planning on telling me
every time you snuck
out of the house?
I hadn't thought
of it yet.
Probably something
medical, you know.
Well...Doug--
A liiittle scary
on the Doug there.
Doug...honey...
I can't support
your race car driving
because I would
rather support
your continuing
to live.
I respect that,
and I would ask
that you would
support me anyway
because that is what a
supportive relationship
indeed is.
Hmm. OK.
And in that same
supportive vein,
would you go
to La Boheme with me?
No, but thank you
for asking.
Gee, it was
so sweet of you
to invite me
to lunch, Carrie.
Well, you're
dating Spence,
and he's our friend,
so, you know.
Oh, so is this
like a tradition?
Like, when Spence
gets a new girlfriend
you take her to lunch
to check her out?
Actually, it hasn't
come up that much.
No. Yeah, no,
I just wanted
to pick your brain
about something.
Oh, well, fine.
Just a leave a little
for me. Heh heh heh!
Right.
Right, right, right.
Listen, I noticed
that you and Spence
really respect and
support each other.
Oh, yeah. Um,
in our relationship,
that's job one.
OK, you see,
now, I've been trying to do
that with Doug recently,
and I gotta admit--
not loving it.
Well, I guess I feel that
way sometimes a little,
but I just
deal with it.
How?
Well, like,
for instance,
this Sunday is
our 6-week anniversary,
and, um,
Spence is missing it
to go to his
Dark Shadows convention.
But I'm OK with that because I
know it's important to him.
Dark Shadows?
What is that?
Um, it was, like, a soap
opera a long time ago
with, um, vampires,
I think.
But, um, like I said,
I'm OK with it
because I know
it's important to him.
You see, that's
what I'm talk--
I wish I could
be like that.
I mean, if it was my
boyfriend, I'd say,
"You selfish jerk! You're
gonna spend our anniversary
"with a bunch of dorks dressed
up like Count Chocula?
"OK, freak,
have a good time,
"because
when you get back,
I'm gonna punch your
fangs down your throat."
Oh, well. Can you
pass the ketchup?
I don't know
what got into her.
Suddenly, I gotta miss the
DarkShadows convention
for our 6-week
anniversary,
and she threatened to punch
my fangs down my throat.
It was
very disturbing.
Something wrong
with your Whopper?
No. Why?
Because
it's still there.
You know what it is?
The pre-dinner Whopper
was my favorite part
of the day,
but now that I don't have
to hide it from Carrie,
it's just a gross,
disgusting habit.
It was always that.
I know, but all the
hiding, all the deceit,
that's what
made it so great.
I gotta tell you, I miss
the thrill of the dance.
You know, Dark Shadows
is not Star Trek.
I mean, they don't have
conventions every week.
If I miss this one,
I'm looking
at a 3-year dry spell.
I cannot survive
in just the chat rooms!
Will you quit bitching
about it already?
Hey, I blew 70 bucks on a
Barnabas Collins costume,
and now it's worthless!
It's just worthless.
So go to the stupid
convention.
I can't!
Denise'll hate me.
Please, this is
so easy to pull off.
What are you
talking about?
You just have somebody
from work call you,
and you make sure
Denise picks up.
Then the work friend
pretends to be
from the Dark
Shadows convention,
says she's sorry to
hear you're canceling.
Denise'll
be so touched,
she'll think you're the
greatest guy in the world.
A few days later,
you have
the same person call,
leave another message
saying she's sorry,
but they can't refund your
money like they thought.
Denise'll feel so bad,
she'll send you there
in a freakin' limo.
That was brilliant.
I know.
Carrie: Hey.
Hey.
Did you have
a good afternoon?
Yeah. How about you?
Yeah, I did.
Well, I see you--
you had a Whopper again.
Um, no, actually,
I didn't have a Whopper.
What are you
talking about?
I am staring directly
at a piece of lettuce,
and the only lettuce
you let come near you
is on a hamburger.
You know, I was thinking
about what you said,
and you're right. I should
start eating healthier,
so I, uh...
I got a salad.
A salad?
Yeah.
Ohh. What kind of salad?
Insalata primavera.
So you only
had a salad today?
That's all.
Hmm. Oh!
What's this ketchup
packet doing here?
I made my own
Russian dressing.
What kind of salad
you say you had again?
Insalata primavera.
Insalata primavera. OK.
Excuse me.
Uh, Doug?
Yeah?
If you're lying, I will find
out, and I will kill you.
I know you will, honey.
I know.
OK.
Hmph!
And we're back.
You get
some slut from work
to make fake phone
calls for you?!
What kind of an idiot
do you think I am?!
If you ever pull a
stunt like that again,
I will beat you to within
an inch of your life!
Yeah!
Man On TV:
Fort Lauderdale!
Full of coeds
and possibilities!
Hey, what's your name?
Woman on TV: Lonnie.
Looking good!
Doug, this is not
Terms of Endearment.
Oh, crap.