The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 18 - Steve Moscow - full transcript

♪ My eyes are
gettin' weary ♪

♪ My back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪

♪ On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight ♪

♪ But I don't care,
'cause all I wanna do ♪

♪ Is cash my check and drive
right home to you ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby,
all my life ♪

♪ I will be drivin' home
to you ♪

[Russian Accent] So for
first few days of job,

we open up the walls,
and we spray the fungicide

to get rid of mold.



Uh-huh.

Then we put back the wall

and apply
the anti-microbial coating.

I'll tell ya, I wish I
had some of that coating

after this one's
cooking. [Laughs]

Fire in the hole! You
know what I'm sayin'?

He's just excited
to meet you.

Yeah, yeah,
we're real happy

you're doin' all this
work for us, Steve.

We--We hear
you're the best.

I did win an award

from Long Island Mold
Contractors' Association.

What do they call
that, "The Moldy"?

[Laughing]



It's a very
beautiful award.

So we're
all set then, huh?

Yes, we are all set,
ready to rock 'n' roll.

See you in September.

Wha--

But that's
6 months from now.

Yeah, we can't
wait that long!

I mean, the mold's
under the house,

it--it's in our walls--

What do you want me
to do, wave magic wand?

I have many
big projects going.

But can't we just
work something out?

I don't see how.

Darling, remember that library
book you took out for me

and accused me
of not returning?

Yeah?

Well, here it is.
It's quite overdue,

and I ripped out several
pages in anger.

Thank you.

We're kind of in the middle
of something here, Dad.

Dad? This man
is your father?

Yeah, he lives with us.

In Russia, we respect
our old people, too.

In this country,
they just dump

in Dumpster
like trash.

It's good to see you
people are different.

Yeah, well,
what can you do?

We just love him.

We do. We, uh...

we cherish him.
He's my Yoda.

You know what? Let me see if I
can move some things around,

but I'm not sure.

Oh, my God, anything
you can do would be great!

Yeah.

So, Father, eh,

do they take
good care of you?

Why, yes.
In fact, uh,

they give me a very generous
allowance of $20 a week.

By the way, Douglas,

it's Friday.
Yeah.

All right.

And I believe
you forgot last week.

[Chuckles]
Oh, I did? OK.

Tell you what I can do.

How does Monday sound?

You put key under mat,

we come first thing
in morning.

Oh, my God, that's great!
Thank you!

So be it.

Let me grab paperwork. OK.

Feelin' pretty good,
aren't you?

Oh, yeah. Now take me
to the boat show,

or I blow this thing
wide open.

[Both Speaking Russian]

[Speaking In Russian]

[Sniffs] Mmm.

Uh...

hi?

[Russian Accent]
Don't worry.

We are
with mold company.

Um, I'm not wearing
underpants.

No.

No, we look
for 3-prong outlet,

then we go.

I think there's one
over there, but, shh!

[Whispers] Oh.

Shh!

Oh, boy!
It's all right.

Don't worry.

We are
with mold company.

Ahem.

Doug...

[Whispers]
Get them outta here!

[Whispers]
OK, but...

I'm not wearing
underpants.

This feels
a little awkward.

What do we do?

Just ignore them?
Do we offer them cereal?

No, you don't
offer them cereal,

you just act
like a normal person.

Hi, guys.

What?

Oh, nothing, I was
just saying hi.

We are
with mold company.

We have to be here.

Yeah. No, no, no,
it's fine.

Yeah.

You want cereal?

No, I had bagel.

Arthur: Help!

Dad?

Arthur: I'm looking for
Douglas and Carrie Heffernan!

Don't answer!

This is our chance
for a fresh start.

We're in here.
Just follow my voice!

[Piano Notes Play]

Keep comin',
you're gettin' warmer.

Keep comin'.

[Door Slams]

And he's outside. OK.

Doug, come here a sec.

I got something
I need to show you.

Steve: You see how the seams
in there are failing?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I think we need to use
the H.E.P.A. vacuum

and then install sill
flashings and a kickout.

Now, it's going to cost
you about $300 extra,

but I think
in the long run

it'll save you money.

What do you think?

I think
that sounds great.

You, uh-- you got your own H.E.P.A.
vacuum,

or you wanna use mine?

I have one.

Good. Uh, th-that's good
that you have one. OK.

What was that about?

Oh, Steve thinks we need to H.E.P.A.
the whole thing out in there,

and install some sill
flashings and a kickout.

I agree.

And do you know
what any of that means?

Why do you always need to
know what things mean?

It's not
an attractive quality.

Well, is it gonna
cost any more?

300, but it's gonna save
us money in the long run.

Doug, the guy
gave us an estimate.

Why didn't he see it the first
time when he came here?

I don't know!

Well, don't you think
you should ask him?

[Sighs]

Fine.

It never ends.

What? I sa--I said
you're beautiful.

Hey, Steve.

What's up?
Uh, question for ya.

Uh, how come the stuff you
were just telling me about

wasn't included
in the original estimate?

I'm just curious.

You are curious?

Like the Monkey George?

Yeah, I--I guess.

Well, I didn't
put in estimate,

'cause I didn't see it.

I didn't see it because
it was behind the wall,

and I cannot see
through the wall.

You want somebody who can
see through the wall,

maybe you should call Captain
Superman to help you out!

No, no, no, you don't need
to call Captain Superman.

I was just wonderin',
you know.

Tryin' to learn
about mold.

[Chuckling]
You know?

Uh, and you guys are doin'
a great job, by the way.

Really,
and you know what,

you guys make
the coveralls work, too.

You really do.

You stick me in them,

and I'd look
like a Peanut M & M.

I'll see ya tomorrow.

Hello?

Anybody here?

Their tools are gone.

Where are they?

I don't know. Maybe
they're late. Maybe--

Maybe today they didn't
feel like "rushin'."

[Laughing]

Am I gonna hear a Russian
joke every morning?

Not with
that attitude.

Doug,

it's been 4 days
since they've been here.

I can't live like this.

Did you call them again?

Yes. I left message 17
an hour ago.

Did you leave him
our number?

[Sarcastically] Oh, gee,
no, I forgot to do that.

Actually, you know what,
I may have forgot.

Arthur: Hello?

Dad, we're in here.

Just follow the tape
we put down.

Arthur: It's taking
me in circles!

It's not taking
you in circles.

Actually, it is.

Uh, payback
for the allowance thing.

Carrie: Come on.

Thank you, darling.

I was spinning like
a dreidel out there.

Shh. It's ringing.
It's ringing.

Uh, hey, Steve, uh--

Uh, Doug Heffernan here.

Oh, hello, Doug,
how are you doing?

Oh, I'm doin' good.
How 'bout you?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah,
it is cold, isn't it?

Ooh, it's very cold, I--

All right!

Uh, question for ya.

Uh, we've kind
of been wondering

where you guys have been?

Steve: Like I told you, we
have many big projects going.

Yeah, but you said
you'd squeeze us in,

and now our house is--
it's kind of--

it's kind of
ripped apart.

OK, OK.

How does a week
from Friday sound?

That--That--That's
2 weeks from now.

Well, if that doesn't
make you happy,

maybe you wanna call
Captain Superman.

No, no, no, no,
th-that'll be fine.

What, what, what?

He's gonna come
a week from Friday.

No, that's
unacceptable!

Look, is there any way,
uh, you could--

Doug,
it's unacceptable.

Use the word!
Uh...

uh, Steve, what you're
doing is very un...

nice of you. All right, all right!
Gimme this.

Hello, this
is Carrie Heffernan--

Yes--Mrs. Doug.

Um, your behavior
is unacceptable.

Now, there may be
other people

who fall for
this kind of crap,

but not us,
buddy boy, OK?

I happen to work
for a law firm

that specializes
in civil litigation.

So if I don't see
you guys tomorrow,

here, at 8:00 am,

I will be introducing
my foot-ski

to your ass-ski!

I think he got
the message.

So they left our home
completely ripped apart,

we haven't seen
them for 6 days.

I mean, they think that they
can take advantage of us,

but they don't know
that I work for the--

Well, I'll just say it--

the toughest litigator
in New York City.

That's very kind
of you, Carrie.

So what do we do? We just start
with a threatening letter,

or we just go
right for the lawsuit?

Well, here's the thing.
What?

You're screwed.

What do you mean
we're screwed?

We--We--We have
a contract!

Yes, a very nice one.

Now, let me tell you
a little story

about a brick pizza oven.

My wife had to have one
installed in our house.

Apparently, it was critical
to our social standing.

So I hired a contractor.

The guy ripped
a hole in our wall,

then decided
he'd only show up

when it was convenient.

So I sued the bastard.

2 years and $78,000 later,

I got my pizza oven.

By then Tiffany
was on a no-carb diet.

We keep books
in there now.

So, you're sayin'

I could have a pizza oven
in my house?

Doug!

Sorry.

I'm just tryin'
to find the good here.

All right,
so we can't sue them,

but, I mean,
come on, please,

there's gotta be
something we can do.

My professional advice?

Start kissing some keister.

[Knock On Door]

I've got vodka!

[Power Drill Buzzing]

Look at you.

What happened
last night?

I went to drop off
the vodka,

and he made me stay
and drink with him.

I don't remember
much after that...

except at some point
I was dancing with men.

Oh, and I may have
played Russian roulette.

You know you can't
drink hard liquor.

Yeah, I know. I did
what I had to do.

Look, they're back here.
You should be happy.

Oh, yeah, they
showed up for work.

Let's throw them
a parade.

Shh! You keep up
that attitude,

they're gonna walk
outta here again!

What do you want me to do,
smile all day like an idiot?

You know what, if you
really want to help,

you should throw
on a pair of Daisy Dukes,

go out, and wash the car
during their lunch break.

Hey, Doug, my friend!
Hey, bud!

How's it goin'?
Ohh!

This guy
likes his vodka!

He also does
a great robot dance.

OK, so here's
where we're at.

Basement is finished,
no mold.

And the living room,

2 walls finished,
2 to go.

That's great,
that sounds great!

Do you mind?

Uh, no, no, no.
Go ahead, go ahead.

Please.

[Speaks Russian]

[Both Speak Russian]

[Gags]

Uh, you know, we're gonna take
our coffee in the other room.

OK, Doug.
All right.

Oh, hello.

Hey, Father,
how are you?

Or, as we say in Russia--
[Speaks Russian]

Hey, yeah!
Marvelous, yeah!

So, uh,

what part
of the U.S.S.R.

Do you hail from,
son?

I am from Kiev,

but it's no longer called
U.S.S.R., thank God.

"Thank God"? What are
you talkin' about?

It's a mess there now!

Oh, it's much better now

without the stinking
Communists running things.

Oh, please! You people had a
workers' paradise and you blew it!

A paradise?!

The K.G.B., they throw
my mother in the Gulag!

Well, I'm sure they had
a very good reason.

Just imagine,
2 weeks from now,

all this is
gonna be done,

and the only mold
in this house will...

be on the whole wheat
bread you keep buying

and that I never eat.

Steve: You don't
know anything

about what you're
talking about!

The collectivization
of the farms

was a stroke of genius!

We lost our home!

It's all about you,
isn't it?

Dad, what's going on?

We can't stay
here anymore.

[Speaks Russian]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What happened here?

This man knows nothing
about Communism!

What did he say?
Hey, we love Communism!

You love Communism?!

Let me finish!

We love that you
got rid of it!

Ohh, this man
is an old fool!

Well, look, you don't
like him, he's gone!

You'll never
see him again!

[Music And Laughter]

[Song Sung In Russian]

[Song Continues]

Man: Bashnicki!

[Men Shouting In Russian]

Arthur: All right.
All right, boys.

Papa needs
a new fur hat!

[Spits Twice]

Hey!

Whatcha doin'?

Playing bashnicki.
It's a Russian game

involving cards,
dice, and dominoes,

and it's positively
addicting!

[Chuckles] Well, I'm glad
to see you guys made up,

but I'm just, uh,
trying to work in there.

So, if you guys
could just keep it down?

Absolutely.
All: Sure, sure.

Arthur: Bashnicki!

Sorry, darling, but I just won
back the dining room table!

[All Muttering]

Arthur: Hey, come on,
one more game! Come on!

Oh, Steve.

Yes?

Oh, um...

everything looks
great downstairs.

Yeah, it's just
that I--I--

I thought you guys
were done up here.

Yes, done
with fungicide,

but now comes
the fun part.

The ventilation of
microbial contaminants.

OK, plug in yellow
extension cord!

Man: OK!

It--It's just that I have
this report due tomorrow,

and it's kind of hard
to work downstairs

with the screaming
and the gambling.

And, oh, I think
they're roasting something.

I bring you
your laptop.

Did you unplug that?

Yes, I needed the--
the 3-prong outlet.

But I didn't save
my report yet!

Ohh, you should always
back up your work.

You're right.

My bad.

Hey, hon.
Hi.

Oh, traffic
was killer today.

They shut down 2 lanes
on the Grand Central.

It was brutal.
Ohh...

What is that?

My belt.

What have I told you

about throwing
your belt on the bed?

When you take
your belt off,

hang it up, you animal!

Wow.

Either you're mad
at something else,

or I think
I want a divorce.

It's these mold guys.

They're driving me crazy

with the bashnicki and the
smoking and my computer.

Doug, let me kill them.
Please let me kill 'em?

Look, you're not
killing anyone.

Just one--
you can pick 'im!

Calm down.

No. You know what?
I'm gonna go downstairs

and at least tell them that they
can't treat human beings like this.

No! No, Carrie,
you can't!

Doug, get out
of my way!

Listen to me!

I can't drink
any more vodka.

Today, I delivered a package
to a nursery school,

and I threw up in
a little water fountain.

Come on, they have
one wall to go,

and then
they're done. One wall!

I don't care! If I don't
unload on somebody,

I'm gonna explode!

So?

Take it out on me.

Twist my nipples.

What?
Twist 'em.

You always wanna twist them when
you're angry with me, right?

Yeah.

And don't you always
feel happy after?

Sure.
So...

twist the dials!
Come in, Tokyo!

Oh, for God sakes, if you're
gonna do it, do it now.

Aah-aah-aah! Yaz-bah!

Oh, God!

You feel better
at least?

Not really. My hand
slipped off the left one.

Let me do it again.
No!

Stop!

Douglas,
is Steve in here?

I got a bone to pick
with him about his men.

What's the problem?

They're cheats.

I drew 2 jacks,

I rolled snake eyes,

and I matched 2 dominoes.

That's a kalishnikov
where I come from.

Arthur,
you listen to me.

You say one word
to Steve

and your dream of owning
a hamster is dead.

Checkmate.

You'll get no more
trouble from me.

You may want
to wear these

so you don't inhale
the toxic fume.

Do you mind?

Carrie!

Your time will come.

Your time will come.

Hey, Doug!
We are finished.

Come, one last drink
together.

Uh...

I--I really shouldn't.

Ahh.

Perhaps now is
good time to tell you.

Pavel broke your toilet.

That's OK.

Good. Then we go now.

That's it?
You--You're sure?

You're--
We're mold-free?

100%. Our work
here is done.

Hold on a second. I think Carrie
wanted to say good-bye to you.

Honey?

Go get 'em.

Oh. Hey!

Pavel broke
our toilet.

Who the hell do you people
think you are?

I want you all to know

that if I see any of you
walking down the street

and I am in my car,

I will run you down!

OK? And just when
you think it's over,

I'm gonna put it in reverse,
I'm gonna back over you!

OK? Then I'm gonna
get out of the car,

and that's where
the real whup-ass begins.

And the moldy goes to...

Aah! [Laughs]
I love my life!

Steve Basaravich!
[Laughing]

Announcer: This is Steve
Basaravich's second Moldy.

[Applause]
Thank you!

Oh! This is what
it's all about!

Whoo!