The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 17 - S'Poor House - full transcript

Anyway, Mr. Gilliard,

we were so relieved

to see that
our insurance policy

covers mold damage.

We had a pretty
crappy time in St. Croix

thinkin' we had
to shell out a fortune

to cover the work here.

Yeah, plus, how much mango
can you shove down in a week?

You know what I'm sayin'?

Yeah, exactly.

Anyway, we get back home
to find out



that it's in our living
room, too,

so it's not 7,000,

it's 12,000.

So, hey, thank God
for insurance, right?

I mean, I did read
the policy correctly, right?

Mold is covered, right?

Huh.

Uh, what do you mean "huh"?

Like--Like,

huh, boy,
is it ever covered!

Actually, it's not.

What?

But I read a whole thing
in there about molds!

Well, yes,
but your problem



was caused by
water leaking

under the house from
a clogged drainpipe

in your backyard.
So?

Well, apparently you
were told about this

by your original
home inspector.

We weren't told about
any clogged drain.

Well, actually,
he was.

He was?

You were?
No!

Oh, wait.

I don't know
whether to cry,

throw up,

or punch ya
in the face.

I'm good with either
of the first two.

Are there any functioning
cells in that brain

that can team up
right now

and fathom
the situation we're in?

I mean, do you
understand what you've done?

I do understand.

The insults and
big words not necessary.

How does a person
let this happen?

I mean, how did you
let this happen?

I don't know.

Doug, the man told you

water was
leaking into our house.

He told you
6 years ago!

It didn't sound
that serious.

Water's supposed
to be good, right?

Drink water!
Drink lots of water!

Now all of a sudden
it's bad for a house.

There are a lot of
mixed signals out there!

Oh, yeah,
it's a real mind-bender.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.
Doug,

our house is being
devoured by mold.

It's gonna cost us

$12,000 to fix it.

We don't have it!
What are we gonna do?

I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.

I...don't...know.

Carrie:
Where are you going?

I'm gettin' a beer.
Ya mind?

Oh, great,

you're having
a very expensive

foreign beer.

All right.

We already own it.

Unless someone
wants to buy it

for $12,000,

I'm drinkin' it.

So we're screwed.

We blew most of our savings

on that stupid vacation.

We maxed out
all of our credit cards.

No way we can get a loan.

What about those
Internet stocks

we bought
a few years back?

You're kidding, right?

I guess I am.

Sorry to bother you kids,

but that futon
in the guest room

is playing havoc
with my lumbago.

What are the chances

I could get ya
to spring for a water bed?

I'm sorry, Dad.

We're having a huge
financial crisis right now.

What if I told you

they appreciate
in value 5% a year?

Dad, please! OK?

We're trying
to figure out

where to get $12,000

for the mold work.

You know what
you have to do, right?

You have
to ask your parents.

What? No. No. No.

Why not?
They can swing it.

I don't wanna ask them.
It'll be humiliating!

OK, fine. You know what?

We'll--
We'll live with the mold.

It'll be our pet.

Don't make me get
them involved, please.

Doug, we're in trouble.

OK? We need help.

That's what
parents are for.

Excuse me, Dad.

OK. OK.
I'll call Daddy.

He'll make it all better.

Excuse me, Arthur.

You're eating
all around the carrots.

[Annoyed] Mom.

I'm just saying

why should
I even bother

putting carrots
in the pot roast

if you don't eat them?

They're too crunchy.

Nonsense! Nonsense!

[Doorbell Rings]

[Doorbell Rings Again]

Who is it?

Arthur Spooner.

Oh-oh.

Oh, just--just a--

just a second.

Hello, Arthur.

What a delightful
surprise.

Yes. Hello, Veronica.

I came to see Spence.

His roommate said
I could find him here.

Yes, come in. Come in.

Oh, would you like

to join us for dinner?

I have pot roast galore.

No. No. I just need
to speak with him,

and I'll be on my way.

Oh, always in a rush,
this fella.

So when are you
coming to dinner?

I've invited you I don't
know how many times.

Well, it's just
I'm very busy

what with my charity work

and my naval reserve duty.

Fancy schmancy.

OK, go on.
He's in the kitchen.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Arthur,
what are you doing here?

I'll get
right to the point.

I need to borrow
a substantial amount of money.

You already owe me

a substantial
amount of money.

And I intend
to pay back every penny.

OK. Fool me once,
shame on you.

Fool me twice,
shame on me.

In our case, this would
be the ninth time.

This is different.

This isn't
for a bet on a dog race

or the Tony Awards.

This is to salvage
my self-respect.

What are you
talking about?

Doug and Carrie are
having financial trouble

and they're going
to his parents for help.

They never even
thought to ask me.

It was as if I didn't exist.

Uh, I guess they thought
if you had money,

you wouldn't be spending
your golden years

living in their cellar.

You have a quite a little
sadistic streak, don't ya?

I'm not loaning you
any more money, Arthur.

Please.
No.

Damn it, I need this.

If I can't
walk into that house

and slam a check
on the table,

I'm nothin' to them.

Nothin'.

Please, son.

I'm beggin' ya.

How much?

$12,000.

$12,000?

I don't have anything
even close to that.

I thought
you meant, like,

a hundred bucks
or something.

I see.

[Sigh]

Well, thank you
for your time.

I didn't mean to eavesdrop,

but it sounded like

you were having
some money woes?

Ha. Who isn't, right?

I'm not.

So, uh, would you like

to come over
for dinner tomorrow

so we can, you know,

discuss things further?

I'd be delighted.

I tell ya, Son.

You gotta
be really careful

who ya hire
to do the work here.

Lotta guys lookin'
for a quick buck.

Mold is the flavor of
the month right now.

[Chuckles]

I'll stick with rocky road,
thank you.

Pay attention here!

It's for
your own good.

Good morning. Hey, Joe.

Good morning,
sweetheart.

Uh, I'm gettin' myself
some more coffee.

Want some?

Oh, no, thanks.
I actually have to run.

Well,
have a good day.

OK, honey,
I'll see ya tonight.

Did ya ask him
for the money yet?

No, I'm waitin'
for an opening.

Well, what have
you been talking about?

Mold.

That's not an opening?

Get in there! Go!

Uh, Dad,
it was, uh, ahem,

really nice of ya
to come up here

and help us out.

Ah, what the hell
else did I have to do

except
sit around the house

and tell your mother
to turn down the TV set?

Right. Doesn't Regis
talk loud enough on his own?

Ha. [Mocking Regis] Last night
I had dinner with Larry King!

[Laughing]

We need $12,000.

What?

We need ya to lend us

the money for the mold work

'cause, uh, well, uh,

we--we don't have it.

I don't understand.

Well, it's really
not that complicated.

It's just, uh...

But how can you
not have money?

You both have
good jobs,

you got no kids,

low mortgage here.

You oughta have 20,
30 grand stashed away.

Where's your money?

I don't know.
It's just--

Where's your money,
Douglas?

I don't know. We spent it.
On what?

Things!
I don't know.

You don't know? What
kind of idiot are ya?

I'm not an idiot, Dad. OK?

What, you keep track
of every dollar you spend?

Yes, I do.

Which is I why
I never got

in the kinda mess
you're in.

[Sigh]

Look, are ya gonna
lend us the money or not?

Where are your books?

Hmm?

Where are your books?

On the bookshelf?

OK.

Well,

the fact
that you're broke

is no great mystery, Son.

What do you mean?

You wanna
know what I mean?

I'll show ya what I mean.

There's what should
be in your bank account.

Right there.

So Carrie buys lots of clothes.
What's the big deal?

You ever look around in here,
Doug? I mean, really look?

No, I hid in there once

when Carrie wanted to
take me to a museum, but--

All right.

I'll pick one item at random.

Charles David.

How much you think
she spent on these?

400.

Are you sure?
Yeah, of course I'm sure.

And there's
a bunch of these down here.

And look up here.
There's sweaters, dresses.

It's all high-end stuff,
Dougie. All of it.

Tags still on this,
uh, von Furstenberg thing.

325!

For this?

It doesn't
even have sleeves!

Here's
another one with a tag.

Oh, this actually
is only 30 bucks.

I got her that.

And it's a damn
fine sweater, too.

I like the turtles.

This is crazy.

And it's not
just clothes, either.

There's hair appointments,

expensive makeup,

she even spent
hundreds of bucks...

on fingernails.

For God's sake,
we're born with fingernails.

I had no idea
it was this bad.

Look, Son, you know
I think the world of Carrie,

but, uh,
you want 12 grand from me,

you're gonna have
to get her under control.

Well, what do you mean?

You gotta take charge
of the family finances.

Put her on
a strict allowance.

♪ My arms awaited you

So was dinner
all right?

Yes, it was marvelous,
Veronica. Thank you.

I thought
it'd be nicer

to eat out here

than in the dingy
old kitchen.

Kind of fun, right?

Like being at
a cocktail party?

Yes, quite festive.

I want to apologize again

for the various items
that rolled off my plate.

I shouldn't have
served garbanzo beans.

They're my weakness.

I'm sorry.

[Sigh] Well,

must be very late.
What is it, 10? 10:30?

Quarter to 7:00.

Right.

I guess I was
just distracted

by my daughter
and son-in-law's

financial dilemma.

The one I was hoping
to help them with.

Of course.

It--
It's just that...

What?

Well, the banks are
closed for the day.

There's really nothing
much we can do until...

morning.

I suppose not.

[Front Door Closes]

Carrie: I'm home!

Upstairs!

Hey.
Hey.

Did you talk
to your dad?

Yeah. He's, uh,

gonna loan us
the $12,000.

He went to get a cashier's
check at the bank.

He should be home
any minute.

I am so relieved.

I was such a wreck
all day at work.

I think I put Liquid Paper
in Kaplan's coffee.

I hear that
gives ya a great buzz.

Listen, uh,

this whole situation

kinda got me thinkin'
about our finances.

Yeah, what about 'em?

Well,
it's really nothin'

you should
worry yourself about.

It's just
little adjustments.

I'll--I'll handle it.

Handle what?

Our finances.

From now on I'll handle
our finances.

I'm sorry, what?

Gonna
handle our finances.

You know,
take the burden off you.

I'll--I'll gather
our money as we earn it

and put it in the bank

and as necessary

I'll give ya some.

Give me some?

What, like an allowance?

Hey, are we so cynical

that
getting an allowance

isn't cool anymore?

All right. What the hell
are you talking about?

You're outta control,
Carrie. OK?

Ya--Ya spend
10 times more

on clothes
than we can afford.

What?
You--You do!

I mean, look,

von Furstenberg,

Versace,

ya ever heard of the Va-Gap?

Uh, excuse me,

but it just so happens

that I need
those clothes for my job.

Yeah, I don't think so.

You don't
because you don't know

what the hell
you're talking about. OK?

I don't get issued
5 identical uniforms

like you do,
and by the way,

try wearing
the other 4 sometime. Hmm?

You know what?
You don't need

all this high-end
stuff here for your job.

Yes, I do, Doug!

I work
at a top law firm

in Manhattan.

Oh, really? What, do they
scan ya at Queensboro Bridge?

Beep. Beep. Beep.
Be-Be-Be-Be-Be-Beep!

Hey, these aren't
Charles David!

Close the gate!

Charles David?

How do you know so much

about my clothes
all of a sudden?

All right. My dad looked
at receipts, OK?

What?
Yeah,

and it's a good thing
he did, too, OK?

I never realized how much
expensive stuff you had in there

until he came up here
and showed me.

Your dad went
through my closet?

Oh, don't look
all offended, OK?

You're the one who brought him into this.
You made me call him.

And that gives
you two the right

to come in here
and look through my stuff

and then laugh at me?

Oh, yeah,
we were crackin' up.

$700 for boots.

Ha ha. Funny.

I can't believe you.

I'm so freakin'
outta here.

Oh, Carrie!

Carrie.

Carrie.

Let go of me. Let go!

Where ya goin'?

Anywhere
that's away from you.

Hey, kids,
sorry I'm late.

Got your check
right here.

Thank you.

Are you crazy?
We need that!

Yeah? After
what you did tonight,

I would rather
hook on the streets

than take this money.

Yeah, well, the first
12 g's go the mold man.

By the way, Joe,

when you guys were
discussing our finances,

did Doug happen to mention

that this whole problem
with the mold thing

was his fault
in the first place?

No.

Well, I guess
you can discuss that now.

Yeah, drinkin'.

[TV On]

Oh, there you are.

When I woke up and
you weren't in bed,

I--I--I thought
you'd left.

No, no,
I--I couldn't sleep.

It's just as well.

I now know where
to buy a kitchen knife

that could slice through
an automobile fender.

Tonight was wonderful,
Arthur.

Yes, I had a very nice time
as well, Ronnie.

Well, anyway,
it's almost morning.

I'd love
to get to the bank

and present
those kids with a check

before
they head off to work.

Yeah, well, I, uh,

I...

really don't
have any money.

What?

I live
on social security

and what
Spence gives me.

But I don't understand.

What about the supermarket?

You said you're a part owner.

I stretched the truth.

I, uh, just shop there.

Oh, for the love of--

I needed that money!

I was counting on it!

I was gonna slap it
down on the table

for those kids!

Well, I'm awfully sorry.

Why the hell did you put me
through this whole charade?

Charade?

You crumb!

I thought you said
you had a good time.

Of course I did.

You were dangling $12,000

in front of me
like a doggy treat.

Well, pardon me.

I didn't
know this was

such a formal
business arrangement.

See, I was stupid enough

to think you might
actually like me.

Here, wait.

Here ya go.

Here is 20 bucks...

for your...

gigolo services.

I'm sorry my company
was so unbearable.

[Sigh]

Veronica.

What?

I was speaking
out of anger.

I really did have
a lovely time with ya.

You don't have
to say that.

But it's true.

You're free Saturday night?

Actually, my unit
ships out at 0800, sorry.

Oh, God!

Where ya been?

I been lookin'
all night for you.

Here. I was just--
You don't call!

I'm worried
outta my head!

I was gonna call--

You're mad at me,
you should call and--

Look, I'm not mad at you.
Now will you just shut up?

You're not mad at me?

No, I mean,
I was...mad at you,

but then around
2:00 in the morning,

I moved onto
being mad at me.

That's when
I started smoking.

OK, can you be mad at yourself

in the other direction?

It's funny, you know,
all this time...

in my mind I knew
I was outta control

with the clothes
and everything.

I mean, a million times
I'd be in a store

and I'd go,
we can't afford this,

but I just--

You just what?

Doug,
I just can't describe

how much I hate...

knockoffs.

Can I get ya somethin'?

Oh, no, thanks.

Oh, I'll have
some more coffee.

Uh, bacon cheeseburger,

onion rings,
and a chocolate malt.

While you drink your coffee.

Look,
let's just agree that...

the problem
is both our faults.

You know? Don't forget,
I screwed up, too.

Uh, yeah,

didn't forget.

So what do we do now?

[Sighs]

I guess we gotta
ask my dad for another check.

Yeah, OK, that won't
be too awkward, huh?

Really wish you
hadn't ripped up the first one.

I know. I was just--

I was so furious
at the both of you.

Well, for future reference,

when you're furious at someone
who's givin' you a check...

just crumple it.

Crumple makes a nice point,

and it's reversible.

Duly noted.

I love you, honey.

I love you.

So we love each other.

If it wasn't
for our crushing debt,

we could actually
be happy right now.

We'll get outta the hole.

Don't worry.

Yeah, Doug, I mean it.

Now we really have
to buckle down. OK?

We're in our 30s.

It's not cute
to be broke anymore.

I don't wanna end up

like one of those bums
at the counter there.

Wait a second.

Dad?

Dad!

Oh, hey, kids.

What are you
doin' out this late?

I had a business
meeting of sorts.

It's 5:00
in the morning.

Oh, is it that late?

I, uh, seem
to have lost my wristwatch

at...said meeting.

What are you doin' here?

Oh, just,
uh, discussing

what pathetic
screwups we are.

Well, I guess
I've come to the right place.

Shove over.

Have ya
ordered yet?

Yeah, had a coffee.

I'm gettin' a burger.

What did you get?

I ordered the bluefish.

Ya got bluefish? Here?

It's fresh
and delicious.

I think they have
their own boat.

Let him get it.

There's a hospital
down the block.

You know what?

I think I'm gonna
get some eggs.

Go crazy, kids,

'cause tonight...

I'm buyin'!

Hey, Ma?

Yeah?

Whose watch is this?

Happy birthday, darling.

Hey, thanks.