The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 16 - Golden Moldy - full transcript
When Doug and Carrie's neighbors ask them to a relaxing vacation, they hurry to answer yes for the offer. But before they go Arthur tells them their is a fowl odor coming from the basement. Doug takes a look and a he sees mold growing in the walls, but he decides to not tell Carrie because he knows that they wouldn't go on their vacation. But when they're there, Arthur calls and tells them that the mold got severely worse and it would cos $7,000 to fix it. So Doug tries to keep a close eye on their money spending for the rest of the trip.
♪ My eyes are
gettin' weary ♪
♪ My back is gettin' tight
♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪
♪ On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight ♪
♪ But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪
♪ Is cash my check and
drive right home to you ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby,
all my life ♪
♪ I will be drivin' home
to you ♪
I gotta tell ya, Mike, that
is one beautiful country club.
Yeah, I'm glad I could
take you out, man.
Say, you really love
your golf.
Well, of all the major sports, it's
the closest to just sitting down.
Seriously,
thanks again, man.
Yeah, well, thank you
for watching our place
next week while
we're on vacation.
That's what
neighbors are for.
Oh, and by the way,
in case of emergency,
how do I turn on
the hot tub?
There's a dial on
the wall, go to town.
Sweet. That resort you guys are
going to sounds pretty awesome.
St. Croix?
It's incredible.
I'm gonna play golf
in the morning,
lie on the beach
in the afternoon,
and eat and drink
all night.
[Envious Whimper]
Yuspa.
Oh, hey, guys.
How was golfing?
Fantastic.
And F.Y.I.,
if I ever leave you,
it'll be for Mike.
You're free to leave
at any point.
[Knock On Door]
Oh, hey, Deb.
Hi. Hey, good,
you guys are back.
What's up?
Honey, I just got off
the phone with Claudia.
Craig has to fly to Chicago
next week for some case.
What about our trip?
They can't go.
I can't believe it!
The Ostermans were supposed
to go with us to St. Croix.
Oh, that's too bad.
Listen, would you
call the hotel
and change
the reservations?
The package we got
was for 4.
Oh, right.
Hey, listen, would you
guys have any interest
in coming with us?
Us?
Yeah.
Sure!
Are you sure
you're not asking us
'cause we just happen
to be standing here
and it's awkward?
No, we would
love to have you.
Really?
Yes, absolutely.
Are you sure?
Yes!
What difference
does it make?
We'll have a great time whether
they really want us there or not.
We do.
And, anyway, if this guy
doesn't have a golf buddy,
he's gonna
drag me along.
Would you guys be
able to get off work?
Well, I do have a lot of
vacation time built up.
And my job can be
done by a monkey.
These are the brochures
for the resort.
They have all
the information, prices,
stuff like that.
Look 'em over,
and just let us know.
It'll be a good time.
OK. Well, we'll call
you guys later. OK.
All right. Bye.
Wow! This place
is beautiful!
Oh, my God.
Look how long
the buffet is.
And there's no
mirror at the end.
I'm hip
to that trick.
Uh-oh.
What?
Look at
the room rates.
Wow.
Maybe that's
in St. Croix money.
You know, croiksies.
Doug, I really don't think
we can afford this.
Come on,
we gotta go!
Hey, you remember when Mike
and Debi first moved in?
They thought
we were freaks!
Now we're their first choice when
they can't get their real friends!
It's the comeback story
of the year!
I know,
and I want to go,
it's just that
we've never spent
this much
on a vacation before.
So? We deserve it.
All right, we work
our entire lives
at pointless,
dead-end jobs,
and we come home to TV
and stupid chit-chat.
What do you say?
Well, you do have me
re-thinking us.
I don't know.
Come on! Hey!
I will let you
ride this turtle.
Or this cabana boy.
All right,
you know what?
What the hell,
let's do it.
I love you.
Hello, kids.
Hey.
Whatcha got there?
Oh, just
some brochures.
Actually, Dad, it looks
like we're going down
to the Caribbean
next week.
We are?
Ooh, I'm so excited.
Well, I hope
you're excited for us.
I see. Once again,
I humiliate myself
by assuming I'm a member
of this family.
Dad, we would love
to take you,
but we're going
with another couple,
Mike and Debi
from next door.
Darling, your swinging lifestyle
is really none of my business.
Just go on
your fancy trip!
Oh, come on, you'll
have fun without us.
You can have
Spence over,
and we'll bring you
back something
really nice
from St. Croix.
Oh, you really think
I can be bought off
with some island trinket,
a linen summer suit,
42-short?
How insulting!
You almost ready? Taxi's
gonna be here any second.
Yup. I just need to finish
labeling these meals
for my dad.
I still think you should've
gotten one of those things
they have for cats,
you know,
where the food falls directly
into the bowl when you hit it?
I know he can
learn that, you know.
Kids, sorry to be
the killjoy here,
but I don't think
this is a good time
for you
to be going away.
Why not?
There's a very nasty odor
down in the basement.
Yes, and now
it's traveled up here.
Old people smell.
Cutting-edge humor,
Douglas.
What kind of odor, Dad?
It's quite noxious.
I've been feeling light-headed
for several days.
He's just making it up 'cause he
knows we're going away without him.
That's not true.
You pulled the same thing when
we were going to Ocean City.
I had sweaty palms
and you know it!
[Taxi Horn Honks]
Come on,
there's the taxi.
All right, honey,
could you just go down
and check it out, please?
Fine.
Come on, Arthur!
OK, I'm smelling nothing.
It's coming
from this area.
I tried to get
the panel off,
then I got woozy
and had to lie down.
[Gagging]
[Hoarse] That doesn't
smell that bad.
What the hell
is that?!
It looks like
some type of mold.
Carrie:
Hon, what's going on?
Just a sec!
[Whispering] Look, I
got a taxi up there
waiting to take me
to paradise.
Here's how
it's gonna go down.
First, we're gonna
close this up,
then we're gonna
close this up.
Carrie:
Everything OK down there?
Just fine and dandy!
It's fine!
And?
I gave you fine,
but I draw the line
at dandy.
Oh, the sky
is so beautiful.
Yeah, it's like
an oil painting.
Mmm, sea air smells great,
doesn't it, honey?
[Sniffs]
Somebody around here
has potato chips.
Thanks again
for lunch, you guys,
and for payin'
for the cabanas.
Oh, sure.
Tomorrow night,
dinner is on us,
and I don't want
to hear any arguments.
All right.
All right.
I don't think
we're hearing any.
I hear they have this dish here,
it's called sizzling lobster.
It's supposed
to be incredible.
Oh, well, slap a bib on me
and watch my arteries
close up.
Is everything
OK here?
Delightful, or as
you French would say,
[French Accent]
It's delightful.
You folks look
a little hot.
Could I
cool you off
with a mist
of Evian water?
Sure!
You do work here, right?
Close your eyes.
Ohh.
Oh, yeah. Ohh.
You are very close
to being adopted.
All right, well...
here you go.
Thank you,
Mr. Heffernan.
You know what,
here's an extra 5.00.
Soak through the girls'
tops, would you?
Honey, where's
my moisturizer?
Doug: What?!
My moisturizer.
I can't hear you.
I'm in the other room
of our 2-room suite!
Doug!
Carrie?
Oy.
How great are
these robes, huh?
We look like freakin'
polar bears.
Stop! Stop!
[Imitates Bear]
You moron! Oy!
For what we're paying,
I'm taking
these robes home.
Hey, we said we were
gonna forget about money
and just enjoy
this week, right?
You're right, you're
right, you're right.
And that means
treating the minibar
like it's
our refrigerator at home.
Wait, now I want you
to take a picture of me
with this $25
disposable camera,
eating this $7.00 Twix.
Come on here, right here.
There you go.
Stop!
[Telephone Rings]
Oh, that's probably Mike
about golf tomorrow,
but, you know what, I'm gonna
answer it in the sitting room
'cause this phone,
it bores me.
Hello?
Douglas,
it's Arthur Spooner.
OK, last name's not necessary.
What's up?
I had a Mr. Dick St. John
of Mold Masters over
to look at the situation.
Arthur, I told you
to leave it alone
and just
sleep upstairs.
And I quote:
"Large area
of interior walls
"infested with
stachybotrys-type growth,
pipes and wiring
also affected."
Well, did he say how much it
would cost to clean it up?
And I quote:
"To remove all mold,
estimated cost $7,025."
$7,000?
Arthur: I'll await
further instructions.
Good-bye.
Hey, was that Mike?
Huh?
Uh, yeah.
It was just Mikey.
Hey, Doug.
Say "Twix."
[Weakly] Twix.
Arthur: All right,
what's the delay?
Sometimes it takes
a little while
to get
on the Internet.
It's who you know,
same old story.
OK, we're online.
All right, now get me
the skinny on mold.
They've got me living in that
petri dish of a basement
for 5 years.
I've gotta know
what it's done to me.
OK, here we go.
"Mold helpline."
That's it.
All right, Arthur,
have you suffered
from any of the
following conditions?
Nasal stuffiness?
Check.
Shortness of breath?
Check.
Loss of
urinary control?
Double check.
All right, what else?
Well, there's
something here
about how extended
exposure could lead
to diminished
mental capabilities.
Oh, God!
I could lose my mind?!
Theoretically, yes.
Spence,
promise me this.
If you start seeing even
the slightest indication
of strange behavior
on my part,
I want you to kill me.
Doug: Honey?
Carrie: Yeah?
Do you know anything
about a charge
in the gift shop
for $13?
Yeah, I bought
a pack of gum.
Oh, gum.
OK, as long as it was
something important.
OK, honey,
now remember,
we have dinner
reservations at 6:00,
so try to get back
here from golf by 5:00
so I can
hose you down.
Where are you going?
To the spa.
I booked a 2-hour
massage with Phillipe.
Hold on, uh...
maybe I want
to give you a massage.
You do?
Every time
I ask you at home,
you say, "What's
in it for me?"
I feel romantic down here,
and, you know what,
I'll give you twice as good
a massage as Phillipe.
And I offer
additional services.
Yeah, I have Miguel
at 12:30 for that.
Very funny.
Come on, lie on the bed.
This better be good,
though, I'm telling you.
And I should tell you,
my hands are registered
with the department
of love.
Sexy fingers division.
All right,
there you go.
Mmm. A little harder, hon.
OK.
Split the difference!
See?
That's better.
Isn't that good?
Yeah.
Use the oil, honey.
Hmm?
Oil.
Oh.
Oh, there we go.
OK.
What's going on
up there?
Nothing, nothing.
It's fine.
It's fine, fine.
I feel like
I'm being marinated.
It's all good.
It's all good.
OK, all right! Massage
over! Massage over!
Dismount!
Dismount! Dismount!
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
That was very sweet,
very sweet.
I think I'm gonna let Phillipe
have a crack at me now.
Hold on.
You can't go.
Why not?
'Cause we can't
afford a massage!
What are you
talking about?
That smell
your father smelled?
It was mold, and it's
gonna cost $7,000 to fix.
$7,000?!
But you told me
you went down there
and checked everything
out before we left!
I did.
You said
everything was OK!
I may have lied.
You may have,
or you did?
I may have did.
Doug!
I didn't know it was
gonna cost so much!
OK, well,
you know what?
The vacation that we couldn't
afford in the first place is over.
What?
Yeah, that's right.
Start packing, buddy.
And throw in
a few of those towels.
But the room-- we already
pre-paid for the room.
We can't get
that money back.
Oh, right.
And our flights,
it's gonna cost us
more money
to change them.
Oh, my God.
Suddenly, I have
an incredible headache.
That's $6.00!
Crap!
Crap!
Look, I screwed up, OK?
But the room's
already pre-paid for,
so why don't we just enjoy
the rest of the week,
and, you know, we'll take
care of the mold thing
when we get back.
OK, all right.
You're right.
But you know what,
we are not spending
another dime, OK,
more than we have to.
Agreed?
Agreed.
Plenty of stuff
we can do
that doesn't cost
a cent, right?
We got a beautiful view
of the ocean right here.
OK, I wish I would've
saw the Jet Skis
before we were poor.
[Telephone Rings]
[Ring]
Hello?
Oh, hey, Mike.
No, I didn't forget
about golf.
Golf? You're
not playing golf.
I will see you there.
OK, buddy. Take care.
Doug, if I am not
getting my massage,
you're not spending
money on golf.
Fore!
[Nervous Laugh]
Seriously,
sorry I'm late.
No problem, Doug.
Ah, you want to tee
off back there?
I--
You know what, I'm just
gonna hit from here.
I'm fine.
This is perfect, seriously.
All right.
Whoa! Heads up
in the Day Care Center!
Let's play some golf.
Sir?
You, sir!
Sir!
Hey, you guys.
Hey, you two.
What's up, you're
not doing a cabana?
We're kind
of cabanaed out.
Yeah, my Aunt has one.
We use it a lot.
You sure? It's like 110
on the sand there.
It's all right. I like my
skin like I like my cheese:
deep fried.
Ow!
What's the matter?
The sand's hot.
And how is
everyone doing?
Can I cool you off
with a mist?
Sure, Patrick.
Go for it.
Mike: Mmm.
Mmm.
Here you go, merci.
And now
for the Heffernans.
Oh, no!
We're good!
Oh, just
a little spray.
No, no--
Whoa, you missed me!
[Laughs]
I'm going to get
you, Mr. Heffernan!
No! Hey, hey!
No spray.
Hey, Arthur.
I just dropped by to see if
you wanna catch a movie.
Who are you kidding?
You know
I couldn't follow it.
What?
I'm losing my mind,
remember?
This Family Circus cartoon
might as well be in Greek.
Arthur, you're not
losing your mind.
You're just psyching
yourself out now.
Let's just put that to a test.
How?
I've always been able
to debate any topic
and tear down opposing
arguments with pinpoint logic.
You want me
to debate you?
Exactly.
We'll pick a topic,
and we'll see
if I can hold my own.
OK,
what's the topic?
How about this:
Should the United States
normalize relations with Cuba?
You be pro.
All right. Uh...
the Cold War's been
over for 10 years.
Cuba is no longer
a threat,
but instead could be a valuable
ally and trading partner,
so it makes
perfect sense
to normalize
relations with Cuba.
You moron, what do you
know about anything?!
You're a frightened little drone
that can't even get a woman!
If you're so keen
on normalizing something,
why don't you start
with your face!
I still got it.
Sizzling lobster is served!
I love you, honey,
but tonight that is my date.
Hey, you guys!
There you are.
What do you got
in the bags there?
Oh, since
it's our turn to treat,
we thought we'd
do something special.
Yeah, let's go.
All right.
More Ramen
Noodles, Debi?
Sure.
Mike?
Still working on
my cheese and crackers.
Hey, don't you fill up
on the appetizers.
We got a whole native
island feast.
We got our pineapple,
we got our...
roast pig, huh?
Already pre-sliced and
pre-packaged for our convenience.
And let's
kick it off first
with a little
shrimp cocktail, huh?
Whoa!
She's blowing again!
OK!
Whoops, there goes
our wine glasses.
You guys sit tight.
Oh, sweetie, I wouldn't
put that there.
The sea gulls have
been pretty aggressive.
What's going on? I want to
go into the restaurant.
Honey, we'll go
tomorrow night.
They're obviously having
some kind of money problems.
But why didn't--
They told us--
Just be nice, OK?
We may have lost
a couple of napkins,
but in other news,
I can now confirm
that our cabana boy's
definitely gay.
That's true.
Mm-mmm.
Looks kind of like
the tide's coming in.
No, no,
I checked the chart.
We got at least
12 minutes.
[Gong Chimes]
Sizzling lobster is served!
How 'bout you finish those
cheese and crackers, honey?
Yeah, right.
Man: This is the best thing
I've ever tasted!
What are you-- What are
you looking at, Mike?
Oh, nothing.
I--Nothing.
Nothing.
Seems to me like you're
looking at the lobsters.
No, no, Doug, I--
'Cause tonight
we thought, you know,
we'd have a beautiful picnic
out here on the beach.
Might be more fun than sitting
in a stuffy restaurant,
but if you want lobster,
let's get you some lobster.
It's not like
we can't afford it.
I'm sure you can.
I know we can.
Look, Doug,
we're friends,
and, you know, it's OK if
things are a little tight.
Things are tight?
Things aren't tight here.
Things are very loose.
You know,
that's what I'm saying.
What makes you think
they're tight?
I don't know, I mean,
I'm sitting on a rock
and I'm eating food
from 7-Eleven.
OK, first of all,
it's from an A&P,
so get your facts
straight.
And second of all,
if you want lobster,
we're gonna get you
some lobster.
Doug!
No, no, it's fine.
Excuse me,
can I get, uh...
2 sizzling lobsters
down there for my friends?
Actually, these are
our last 2 lobsters.
You know what,
I will take these 2.
Just charge them
to my room, please.
OK? Thank you.
[High-Pitched]
Sizzling!
So, um...
I'm guessing everyone
on their own tomorrow?
This strap is digging
into my shoulder.
You know what, you're
carrying one bag.
I got like 7.
Keep walking.
Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Heffernan,
you're checking out?
Let me help you
with your bags.
Oh, no,
we're good.
Oh, I'm going to help
you, Mr. Heffernan!
gettin' weary ♪
♪ My back is gettin' tight
♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪
♪ On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight ♪
♪ But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪
♪ Is cash my check and
drive right home to you ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby,
all my life ♪
♪ I will be drivin' home
to you ♪
I gotta tell ya, Mike, that
is one beautiful country club.
Yeah, I'm glad I could
take you out, man.
Say, you really love
your golf.
Well, of all the major sports, it's
the closest to just sitting down.
Seriously,
thanks again, man.
Yeah, well, thank you
for watching our place
next week while
we're on vacation.
That's what
neighbors are for.
Oh, and by the way,
in case of emergency,
how do I turn on
the hot tub?
There's a dial on
the wall, go to town.
Sweet. That resort you guys are
going to sounds pretty awesome.
St. Croix?
It's incredible.
I'm gonna play golf
in the morning,
lie on the beach
in the afternoon,
and eat and drink
all night.
[Envious Whimper]
Yuspa.
Oh, hey, guys.
How was golfing?
Fantastic.
And F.Y.I.,
if I ever leave you,
it'll be for Mike.
You're free to leave
at any point.
[Knock On Door]
Oh, hey, Deb.
Hi. Hey, good,
you guys are back.
What's up?
Honey, I just got off
the phone with Claudia.
Craig has to fly to Chicago
next week for some case.
What about our trip?
They can't go.
I can't believe it!
The Ostermans were supposed
to go with us to St. Croix.
Oh, that's too bad.
Listen, would you
call the hotel
and change
the reservations?
The package we got
was for 4.
Oh, right.
Hey, listen, would you
guys have any interest
in coming with us?
Us?
Yeah.
Sure!
Are you sure
you're not asking us
'cause we just happen
to be standing here
and it's awkward?
No, we would
love to have you.
Really?
Yes, absolutely.
Are you sure?
Yes!
What difference
does it make?
We'll have a great time whether
they really want us there or not.
We do.
And, anyway, if this guy
doesn't have a golf buddy,
he's gonna
drag me along.
Would you guys be
able to get off work?
Well, I do have a lot of
vacation time built up.
And my job can be
done by a monkey.
These are the brochures
for the resort.
They have all
the information, prices,
stuff like that.
Look 'em over,
and just let us know.
It'll be a good time.
OK. Well, we'll call
you guys later. OK.
All right. Bye.
Wow! This place
is beautiful!
Oh, my God.
Look how long
the buffet is.
And there's no
mirror at the end.
I'm hip
to that trick.
Uh-oh.
What?
Look at
the room rates.
Wow.
Maybe that's
in St. Croix money.
You know, croiksies.
Doug, I really don't think
we can afford this.
Come on,
we gotta go!
Hey, you remember when Mike
and Debi first moved in?
They thought
we were freaks!
Now we're their first choice when
they can't get their real friends!
It's the comeback story
of the year!
I know,
and I want to go,
it's just that
we've never spent
this much
on a vacation before.
So? We deserve it.
All right, we work
our entire lives
at pointless,
dead-end jobs,
and we come home to TV
and stupid chit-chat.
What do you say?
Well, you do have me
re-thinking us.
I don't know.
Come on! Hey!
I will let you
ride this turtle.
Or this cabana boy.
All right,
you know what?
What the hell,
let's do it.
I love you.
Hello, kids.
Hey.
Whatcha got there?
Oh, just
some brochures.
Actually, Dad, it looks
like we're going down
to the Caribbean
next week.
We are?
Ooh, I'm so excited.
Well, I hope
you're excited for us.
I see. Once again,
I humiliate myself
by assuming I'm a member
of this family.
Dad, we would love
to take you,
but we're going
with another couple,
Mike and Debi
from next door.
Darling, your swinging lifestyle
is really none of my business.
Just go on
your fancy trip!
Oh, come on, you'll
have fun without us.
You can have
Spence over,
and we'll bring you
back something
really nice
from St. Croix.
Oh, you really think
I can be bought off
with some island trinket,
a linen summer suit,
42-short?
How insulting!
You almost ready? Taxi's
gonna be here any second.
Yup. I just need to finish
labeling these meals
for my dad.
I still think you should've
gotten one of those things
they have for cats,
you know,
where the food falls directly
into the bowl when you hit it?
I know he can
learn that, you know.
Kids, sorry to be
the killjoy here,
but I don't think
this is a good time
for you
to be going away.
Why not?
There's a very nasty odor
down in the basement.
Yes, and now
it's traveled up here.
Old people smell.
Cutting-edge humor,
Douglas.
What kind of odor, Dad?
It's quite noxious.
I've been feeling light-headed
for several days.
He's just making it up 'cause he
knows we're going away without him.
That's not true.
You pulled the same thing when
we were going to Ocean City.
I had sweaty palms
and you know it!
[Taxi Horn Honks]
Come on,
there's the taxi.
All right, honey,
could you just go down
and check it out, please?
Fine.
Come on, Arthur!
OK, I'm smelling nothing.
It's coming
from this area.
I tried to get
the panel off,
then I got woozy
and had to lie down.
[Gagging]
[Hoarse] That doesn't
smell that bad.
What the hell
is that?!
It looks like
some type of mold.
Carrie:
Hon, what's going on?
Just a sec!
[Whispering] Look, I
got a taxi up there
waiting to take me
to paradise.
Here's how
it's gonna go down.
First, we're gonna
close this up,
then we're gonna
close this up.
Carrie:
Everything OK down there?
Just fine and dandy!
It's fine!
And?
I gave you fine,
but I draw the line
at dandy.
Oh, the sky
is so beautiful.
Yeah, it's like
an oil painting.
Mmm, sea air smells great,
doesn't it, honey?
[Sniffs]
Somebody around here
has potato chips.
Thanks again
for lunch, you guys,
and for payin'
for the cabanas.
Oh, sure.
Tomorrow night,
dinner is on us,
and I don't want
to hear any arguments.
All right.
All right.
I don't think
we're hearing any.
I hear they have this dish here,
it's called sizzling lobster.
It's supposed
to be incredible.
Oh, well, slap a bib on me
and watch my arteries
close up.
Is everything
OK here?
Delightful, or as
you French would say,
[French Accent]
It's delightful.
You folks look
a little hot.
Could I
cool you off
with a mist
of Evian water?
Sure!
You do work here, right?
Close your eyes.
Ohh.
Oh, yeah. Ohh.
You are very close
to being adopted.
All right, well...
here you go.
Thank you,
Mr. Heffernan.
You know what,
here's an extra 5.00.
Soak through the girls'
tops, would you?
Honey, where's
my moisturizer?
Doug: What?!
My moisturizer.
I can't hear you.
I'm in the other room
of our 2-room suite!
Doug!
Carrie?
Oy.
How great are
these robes, huh?
We look like freakin'
polar bears.
Stop! Stop!
[Imitates Bear]
You moron! Oy!
For what we're paying,
I'm taking
these robes home.
Hey, we said we were
gonna forget about money
and just enjoy
this week, right?
You're right, you're
right, you're right.
And that means
treating the minibar
like it's
our refrigerator at home.
Wait, now I want you
to take a picture of me
with this $25
disposable camera,
eating this $7.00 Twix.
Come on here, right here.
There you go.
Stop!
[Telephone Rings]
Oh, that's probably Mike
about golf tomorrow,
but, you know what, I'm gonna
answer it in the sitting room
'cause this phone,
it bores me.
Hello?
Douglas,
it's Arthur Spooner.
OK, last name's not necessary.
What's up?
I had a Mr. Dick St. John
of Mold Masters over
to look at the situation.
Arthur, I told you
to leave it alone
and just
sleep upstairs.
And I quote:
"Large area
of interior walls
"infested with
stachybotrys-type growth,
pipes and wiring
also affected."
Well, did he say how much it
would cost to clean it up?
And I quote:
"To remove all mold,
estimated cost $7,025."
$7,000?
Arthur: I'll await
further instructions.
Good-bye.
Hey, was that Mike?
Huh?
Uh, yeah.
It was just Mikey.
Hey, Doug.
Say "Twix."
[Weakly] Twix.
Arthur: All right,
what's the delay?
Sometimes it takes
a little while
to get
on the Internet.
It's who you know,
same old story.
OK, we're online.
All right, now get me
the skinny on mold.
They've got me living in that
petri dish of a basement
for 5 years.
I've gotta know
what it's done to me.
OK, here we go.
"Mold helpline."
That's it.
All right, Arthur,
have you suffered
from any of the
following conditions?
Nasal stuffiness?
Check.
Shortness of breath?
Check.
Loss of
urinary control?
Double check.
All right, what else?
Well, there's
something here
about how extended
exposure could lead
to diminished
mental capabilities.
Oh, God!
I could lose my mind?!
Theoretically, yes.
Spence,
promise me this.
If you start seeing even
the slightest indication
of strange behavior
on my part,
I want you to kill me.
Doug: Honey?
Carrie: Yeah?
Do you know anything
about a charge
in the gift shop
for $13?
Yeah, I bought
a pack of gum.
Oh, gum.
OK, as long as it was
something important.
OK, honey,
now remember,
we have dinner
reservations at 6:00,
so try to get back
here from golf by 5:00
so I can
hose you down.
Where are you going?
To the spa.
I booked a 2-hour
massage with Phillipe.
Hold on, uh...
maybe I want
to give you a massage.
You do?
Every time
I ask you at home,
you say, "What's
in it for me?"
I feel romantic down here,
and, you know what,
I'll give you twice as good
a massage as Phillipe.
And I offer
additional services.
Yeah, I have Miguel
at 12:30 for that.
Very funny.
Come on, lie on the bed.
This better be good,
though, I'm telling you.
And I should tell you,
my hands are registered
with the department
of love.
Sexy fingers division.
All right,
there you go.
Mmm. A little harder, hon.
OK.
Split the difference!
See?
That's better.
Isn't that good?
Yeah.
Use the oil, honey.
Hmm?
Oil.
Oh.
Oh, there we go.
OK.
What's going on
up there?
Nothing, nothing.
It's fine.
It's fine, fine.
I feel like
I'm being marinated.
It's all good.
It's all good.
OK, all right! Massage
over! Massage over!
Dismount!
Dismount! Dismount!
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
That was very sweet,
very sweet.
I think I'm gonna let Phillipe
have a crack at me now.
Hold on.
You can't go.
Why not?
'Cause we can't
afford a massage!
What are you
talking about?
That smell
your father smelled?
It was mold, and it's
gonna cost $7,000 to fix.
$7,000?!
But you told me
you went down there
and checked everything
out before we left!
I did.
You said
everything was OK!
I may have lied.
You may have,
or you did?
I may have did.
Doug!
I didn't know it was
gonna cost so much!
OK, well,
you know what?
The vacation that we couldn't
afford in the first place is over.
What?
Yeah, that's right.
Start packing, buddy.
And throw in
a few of those towels.
But the room-- we already
pre-paid for the room.
We can't get
that money back.
Oh, right.
And our flights,
it's gonna cost us
more money
to change them.
Oh, my God.
Suddenly, I have
an incredible headache.
That's $6.00!
Crap!
Crap!
Look, I screwed up, OK?
But the room's
already pre-paid for,
so why don't we just enjoy
the rest of the week,
and, you know, we'll take
care of the mold thing
when we get back.
OK, all right.
You're right.
But you know what,
we are not spending
another dime, OK,
more than we have to.
Agreed?
Agreed.
Plenty of stuff
we can do
that doesn't cost
a cent, right?
We got a beautiful view
of the ocean right here.
OK, I wish I would've
saw the Jet Skis
before we were poor.
[Telephone Rings]
[Ring]
Hello?
Oh, hey, Mike.
No, I didn't forget
about golf.
Golf? You're
not playing golf.
I will see you there.
OK, buddy. Take care.
Doug, if I am not
getting my massage,
you're not spending
money on golf.
Fore!
[Nervous Laugh]
Seriously,
sorry I'm late.
No problem, Doug.
Ah, you want to tee
off back there?
I--
You know what, I'm just
gonna hit from here.
I'm fine.
This is perfect, seriously.
All right.
Whoa! Heads up
in the Day Care Center!
Let's play some golf.
Sir?
You, sir!
Sir!
Hey, you guys.
Hey, you two.
What's up, you're
not doing a cabana?
We're kind
of cabanaed out.
Yeah, my Aunt has one.
We use it a lot.
You sure? It's like 110
on the sand there.
It's all right. I like my
skin like I like my cheese:
deep fried.
Ow!
What's the matter?
The sand's hot.
And how is
everyone doing?
Can I cool you off
with a mist?
Sure, Patrick.
Go for it.
Mike: Mmm.
Mmm.
Here you go, merci.
And now
for the Heffernans.
Oh, no!
We're good!
Oh, just
a little spray.
No, no--
Whoa, you missed me!
[Laughs]
I'm going to get
you, Mr. Heffernan!
No! Hey, hey!
No spray.
Hey, Arthur.
I just dropped by to see if
you wanna catch a movie.
Who are you kidding?
You know
I couldn't follow it.
What?
I'm losing my mind,
remember?
This Family Circus cartoon
might as well be in Greek.
Arthur, you're not
losing your mind.
You're just psyching
yourself out now.
Let's just put that to a test.
How?
I've always been able
to debate any topic
and tear down opposing
arguments with pinpoint logic.
You want me
to debate you?
Exactly.
We'll pick a topic,
and we'll see
if I can hold my own.
OK,
what's the topic?
How about this:
Should the United States
normalize relations with Cuba?
You be pro.
All right. Uh...
the Cold War's been
over for 10 years.
Cuba is no longer
a threat,
but instead could be a valuable
ally and trading partner,
so it makes
perfect sense
to normalize
relations with Cuba.
You moron, what do you
know about anything?!
You're a frightened little drone
that can't even get a woman!
If you're so keen
on normalizing something,
why don't you start
with your face!
I still got it.
Sizzling lobster is served!
I love you, honey,
but tonight that is my date.
Hey, you guys!
There you are.
What do you got
in the bags there?
Oh, since
it's our turn to treat,
we thought we'd
do something special.
Yeah, let's go.
All right.
More Ramen
Noodles, Debi?
Sure.
Mike?
Still working on
my cheese and crackers.
Hey, don't you fill up
on the appetizers.
We got a whole native
island feast.
We got our pineapple,
we got our...
roast pig, huh?
Already pre-sliced and
pre-packaged for our convenience.
And let's
kick it off first
with a little
shrimp cocktail, huh?
Whoa!
She's blowing again!
OK!
Whoops, there goes
our wine glasses.
You guys sit tight.
Oh, sweetie, I wouldn't
put that there.
The sea gulls have
been pretty aggressive.
What's going on? I want to
go into the restaurant.
Honey, we'll go
tomorrow night.
They're obviously having
some kind of money problems.
But why didn't--
They told us--
Just be nice, OK?
We may have lost
a couple of napkins,
but in other news,
I can now confirm
that our cabana boy's
definitely gay.
That's true.
Mm-mmm.
Looks kind of like
the tide's coming in.
No, no,
I checked the chart.
We got at least
12 minutes.
[Gong Chimes]
Sizzling lobster is served!
How 'bout you finish those
cheese and crackers, honey?
Yeah, right.
Man: This is the best thing
I've ever tasted!
What are you-- What are
you looking at, Mike?
Oh, nothing.
I--Nothing.
Nothing.
Seems to me like you're
looking at the lobsters.
No, no, Doug, I--
'Cause tonight
we thought, you know,
we'd have a beautiful picnic
out here on the beach.
Might be more fun than sitting
in a stuffy restaurant,
but if you want lobster,
let's get you some lobster.
It's not like
we can't afford it.
I'm sure you can.
I know we can.
Look, Doug,
we're friends,
and, you know, it's OK if
things are a little tight.
Things are tight?
Things aren't tight here.
Things are very loose.
You know,
that's what I'm saying.
What makes you think
they're tight?
I don't know, I mean,
I'm sitting on a rock
and I'm eating food
from 7-Eleven.
OK, first of all,
it's from an A&P,
so get your facts
straight.
And second of all,
if you want lobster,
we're gonna get you
some lobster.
Doug!
No, no, it's fine.
Excuse me,
can I get, uh...
2 sizzling lobsters
down there for my friends?
Actually, these are
our last 2 lobsters.
You know what,
I will take these 2.
Just charge them
to my room, please.
OK? Thank you.
[High-Pitched]
Sizzling!
So, um...
I'm guessing everyone
on their own tomorrow?
This strap is digging
into my shoulder.
You know what, you're
carrying one bag.
I got like 7.
Keep walking.
Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Heffernan,
you're checking out?
Let me help you
with your bags.
Oh, no,
we're good.
Oh, I'm going to help
you, Mr. Heffernan!