The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 5, Episode 24 - Taste Buds - full transcript
Doug manipulates Carrie via Arthur to get things done his way.
Hey, hon, come on.
It's almost 8:00.
My show's on.
Un-un-uh, there'll be
no boob tube tonight.
Wow, Battleship.
Where'd you dig
this out from?
Well, I was
in the attic
looking for Twister,
which I was hoping
we could play naked...
and I stumbled upon this,
which we could
also play naked.
Um, don't think
I wanna play naked.
How about no shirts?
OK, fair enough.
Let's get cracking.
Come on.
All right, well,
I gotta warn ya,
I used to rock
at this game.
Yeah, you better pack
a swimsuit, sweetheart.
You're going down.
Yeah, OK, bring it.
All right,
it's all you.
All right,
here we go.
B-5.
Miss. C-7.
Miss. E-2.
Miss.
E-7.
Miss.
E-2.
Miss.
A-9.
Miss.
F-1.
Miss.
TV now.
Yeah.
♪ My eyes are
gettin' weary ♪
♪ My back is gettin' tight
♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪
♪ On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight ♪
♪ But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪
♪ Is cash my check
and drive right home to you ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby,
all my life ♪
♪ I will be
drivin' home to you ♪
[Clears Throat]
Excuse me.
Where's your
Raymond Burr section?
Um, we don't have one.
Uh, what's the title of the
movie you're looking for?
I'm not sure,
but there's a wonderful
scene on an airplane,
and early in the picture,
the hero mails a letter.
It was about, uh, yea big.
And it was
with Raymond Burr?
Possibly.
OK, I got
7 excellent choices.
You pick any one
you want.
OK, more than half of these
involve Chucky.
I'll take that
as a polite pass.
OK, and no,
no, and no.
Come on, these are
all stupid guy movies.
Uh, I think
you owe an apology
to miss Lara Croft:
Tomb Raider.
No, I saw the trailer.
It looks stupid.
Hmm, sounds like someone
wishes she were raiding tombs.
Doug, tonight, I want
to see a romantic movie
about 2 people
who fall in love.
Well, then how about
Lethal Weapon?
What, these guys
weren't in love?
All right, Doug, put 'em back.
Come on, Carrie.
It's not happening.
Let it go.
Well, I found
our picture,
Raymond Burr in
Destination: Istanbul.
No, Dad,
tonight, I wanna--
According to
Leonard Maltin,
it's Burr's
finest role!
Fine.
[People Cheering]
[Sighs]
Hey, Deac, you ever have
the whole backside
of both thighs
go completely numb?
No.
Huh.
I wouldn't
worry about it
unless it's
happening a lot.
No, no, no, no, no.
What would you
consider a lot?
Shh, shh, shh!
Hey, we're
talking here.
I wanna hear this.
I wanna hear this.
Man: Deep in the forest
of no trees,
on the first day
of the eternal equinox,
a child is born
who will ask the question
that will change the course
of Grünian history forever.
Child: Why must we
live in darkness?
Man: The Warriors of Grün,
Chapter One,
opens next Friday
at a theater near you.
Oh, my God!
We are so there!
Couldn't be
more not there.
You never read
the Trilogy of Grün?
It's a--It's a classic.
It's been translated into,
like, 50 different languages.
He was doing
so well.
He has a girlfriend,
started dressing
better,
and now this.
This movie's
gonna be huge,
and I'm gonna be
at the first show
if I have to camp out
for a week.
Have you ever actually
met this girlfriend?
Hey, guys.
Hey! Hey! Honey...
would you do me a favor
and unload these for me?
I'm gonna go change.
What'd you get
for dinner?
Uh, some salad fixin's
and a nice piece
of halibut.
Halibut?
Yeah, my dad wanted it.
It's good.
Yeah, it's the ocean's
answer to pork chops.
This is so annoying.
What?
Carrie doesn't listen
to me about anything.
This morning, I told her
5 things I wanted for dinner,
but Arthur wanted halibut,
bam, we get halibut,
and then last night, I wanted
to rent Lethal Weapon,
but no, Arthur wanted
to get something else.
So we gotta spend 2 hours
watching some fat guy
chasing his own letter
to Istanbul.
It's so unfair.
You sound
like my kid.
What do you mean?
Well, he always complains
that his little brother
gets his own way
all the time,
so you know what
he started doing?
He started tricking
the little guy
into asking for the
stuff he really wants.
Now I got a 4-year-old
hitting me up
for a Victoria's
Secret calendar.
Arthur!
Hello, Douglas.
King Arthur,
how goes it?
Did Carrie get me my fish?
Uh, yeah,
I think so.
Ah, halibut, very healthy
for the prostate.
If I had one, it would be
lubed to a fare-thee-well.
Yeah.
Uh, you know,
you haven't told me
any of your World War II
stories in a long time.
You were over
in Italy, right?
Uh-huh.
I actually have a photo taken
of myself with Mussolini.
He's upside down,
of course.
Oh, yeah.
That must have been
pretty wild, though, huh?
I mean, gosh,
being over there,
all the history,
the art...
the pizza.
The hookers weren't
too shabby, either.
I bet you they
weren't too shabby,
now, but back
to the pizza.
Actually, I remember the
night before our assault
on the German stronghold
in Montecasino.
We were just expecting
our usual K rations,
but then this little
baker showed up
with a wagon full of
freshly baked pizza pies.
Mmm, I bet you they
tasted pretty good, huh?
Oh, did they ever.
When I bit into that warm,
crispy slice of heaven,
it was like...
Like all the misery
and horror of war
just suddenly
disappeared?
Yes.
Hi, Dad.
I want pizza!
It's OK with me.
I don't care.
I want cheese steaks!
I want to try the new Chinese
place down the block!
I want Bose speakers
in our car!
I want fried chicken...
and waffles.
I wanna watch
Crank Yankers!
[Laughs] Oh, yeah.
Warriors of Grün,
huh?
3 days and counting,
am I right?
Yeah.
Is this the line?
No, that's the line for the movie
that starts in 10 minutes.
So I'm--I'm
first in line?
Oh, sweet!
Hello, Dark Lord
of Grün.
Your faithful servant
is first.
Hey.
Darling,
question for you.
Do you find me
sexually attractive?
Well, Dad.
Yes, I know
you're my daughter.
Can't you put that
aside for one moment
and answer
a simple question,
am I sexy?
No, I can't!
Why are we even
talking about this?
Well, usually, when I go
to the Senior Center,
I get quite a few admiring
glances from the ladies,
but today, zippo.
Even in the pale
blue sweat suit?
I was surprised, too.
So just tell me.
Have I gotten heavier?
You look fine.
No, I put on weight.
How can I not have with all the
junk I've been eating lately?
So why don't you
just eat a little better?
Funny, I always
intend to,
but then Douglas starts talking
to me about this and that,
and suddenly I'm slumped
in front of the TV,
and I'm eating something
terribly unhealthy.
I want pizza!
Chinese!
Cheese steaks!
Cotton candy!
Fried chicken!
That sneaky bastard.
Hey, babe.
Hey, hon.
How was work?
Good, good.
Listen, um,
I'm pretty beat.
I don't feel like cooking.
Is it OK
if we just order in?
Oh, yeah, sure.
What are you
in the mood for?
Well, I, uh, passed by this
new place on my way home.
Looks kind of fun.
"The Vegan Café
and Juice Hut."
You OK with that?
Yeah, little different,
but if that's what
my little lady wants,
I'll give it a go.
Oh, you're so sweet.
All right,
I'm gonna go change.
You look over the menu.
Will do.
OK.
OK.
[Footsteps]
[Whispering] Arthur.
"No oil, no butter.
We only cook
with love."
Arthur!
Is it dinnertime yet?
Yeah, yeah, come on.
Some day, huh?
City life,
I'll tell ya.
Sometimes I wish we just
lived in the country,
you know,
lived on a ...
a farm.
Wait a second.
Didn't you
live on a farm?
Yes, I did, from the
ages of 7 to 10,
then again at 43.
Wow, I bet you had
a lot of animals, huh?
Oh, yes, we had
a veritable barnyard.
What kind, exactly?
Everything. Goats.
Hmm, goats.
What else?
Chickens.
Chicken. I had
chicken for lunch.
Go on.
Well, uh, horses, pigs--
Pigs? Pigs?
You had pigs?
Oh, we had about
a dozen of them.
You know, they're
actually quite loyal
and intelligent animals.
And not
bad eatin', huh?
Well, sure.
We would marinate the ribs
in a honey whiskey sauce,
then slow-cook 'em
over an open pit
till the meat
was so tender
it was practically
falling off the bone.
Mmm, I bet you can
still taste it, huh?
Oh, can I.
Yeah, you wanna taste
some tonight for dinner?
No can do.
I'm on a very strict diet.
What?
OK, you ready
to order, honey?
Uh, yeah, um,
I'll go with
the grilled soy cheese.
Everything was
so great, you know?
I was working Arthur
like a finger puppet,
and out of nowhere,
he goes on this diet.
Now I can't eat
anything anymore.
You do realize you're
eating a hot dog right now?
Yeah, I know that.
I'm talking about
when I eat at home.
You know, Carrie always
wants to eat healthy.
Now Arthur does, too.
It's 2 to 1.
I'm being outvoted.
Well, you either gotta
keep eating healthy
or get 2 other fat guys
to move in with you.
That's funny.
That's good.
Hey, where's
my hot dog?
All right, it's coming.
Here.
Thanks.
Did we really have to come all the
way down here to give you this?
I mean, the cart
is 10 feet away.
I can't move.
I'm first in line.
There is no line.
People could come.
So you really slept
out here all night?
Yeah.
Little rough.
Little rough.
Pretty sure
someone touched me.
[Cell Phone Rings]
Oh.
Hold on.
Hello.
Yeah, no, Mom, I can't
take you right now.
I'm a little busy.
I--Well, wouldn't the
paramedics be faster?
Oh, OK, OK,
all right, OK,
I'm coming--coming.
Guys, I gotta take my
mom to the doctor.
Could you guys just
hold my place--
No.
Deac?
Yeah, "no" sounded
about right.
Oh, please!
I've been here
2 days.
I'm gonna be gone
for a couple hours.
You know what, Deac?
You owe me.
I've done a lot
of stuff for you.
Yeah, like what?
Like when Kelly
kicked you out
and I let you move into my
apartment 3 months rent-free
and created a home
for you and your kids.
Have fun, guy.
Can I help you?
What?
Oh, God, Arthur, you--
I didn't recognize you
from the back.
You look so lean.
I thought you were
the Sparkletts delivery guy.
Really?
Absolutely.
Well, I have been
dieting like a madman.
And it shows.
End of story, end of diet.
Now let's talk about our favorite
South American countries.
Mine's Chile.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
What's up?
Actually,
Douglas was saying
I might want to
ease up on my diet.
Oh, was he?
Yes, what do you
think, darling?
Hmm, uh,
I've gotta be honest
with you, Dad.
I don't think you're,
uh, quite there yet.
Really? I do.
Mmm, I don't know.
Turn around.
Mmm, still seeing a lot
of butter on the biscuit.
What rear end
are you looking at?
Right there,
Jiggles Magoo.
Are you kidding? You know
what I want for Christmas?
That ass wrapped
in bicycle shorts.
No, he doesn't, Dad. He doesn't
want your ass for Christmas.
I do, I do.
Doug, I know what you've
been doing, all right?
I know you've been
using my father
to get the food
that you want.
What?
Oh, come--
Don't play dumb.
Is this true, Douglas?
So I guess
my summer in Bologna
meant nothing to you.
Excuse me.
Tonight's dinner's
your call.
I'm easy.
You know, this whole thing
is really your fault.
Excuse me?
Yeah.
I only did all that
because--you know what?
I never get any of the
things I want around here.
I don't get
the food I want.
I don't get
the videos I want.
I let Arthur
live in my house,
and he gets anything
he asks for,
and I'm your husband,
and I get nothing!
Really?
[Whispering]
Yeah.
You get nothing?
'Cause I--'Cause I'm--
I'm kind of thinking back here,
and I'm remembering ordering
a lot of pizzas for you
and watching a lot
of Stallone movies
that I'm pretty sure
weren't my idea.
Oh, and then there was
that lizard that I let you buy
that may... or may not still
be in this house somewhere.
And I'm sorry. I'm confused.
Was it my idea
to drive 10 hours
to the Ultimate Fighting
Championship in Dayton, Ohio?
No...
but you controlled the
radio most of the way.
OK, so what are we talking
about here, Doug, huh?
What things haven't
you gotten your way on?
List them for me.
I guess it was...
that video that
Arthur wanted and...
then the halibut.
So, 2 things?
Well, 2 in a row.
Deac?
Oh, hey, guys.
What--What's up?
What's up, man? We're going to
check out the Jet Li movie.
What you doing?
Uh, nothing, just, uh...
just chillin'.
What's up with
the wizard, man?
Uh, that's actually--
Uh, is a friend's.
[Laughs] Hold up.
Are you lined up
for that Grün thing?
No, no, man. I told you, I'm just
holding a place for my friend.
Palmer's all
Grüned up.
[Both Laugh]
All right, then.
Um...wait up, guys.
Hey, Arthur.
Hello.
You want
some ice cream?
No, no.
This cottage cheese
is all I'm allowed.
You don't need to diet, OK?
You look great.
Don't, Douglas.
My body image
is topsy-turvy right now.
Look, I'm really sorry
about everything, OK?
If it makes you feel
any better,
Carrie's really
mad at me, and...
she's not letting it go.
How bad is it?
Well, she won't
talk to me,
she won't look me in the
eye, and I'm pretty sure
there won't be any shimmy-sham
in the near future.
My second wife Lily used to shut
the gate on me pretty good, too.
Really?
Why don't you tell me
about that?
I want you to have
sex with Douglas!
And I want pizza!
It was all right, man.
Kind of--[Laughs]
Wah-taah!
It was good.
Let's go that way.
I'm in the front
of the line.
Been here a few days.
I'm just going
to go back up, and--
Nice wand. Excellent.
Oh, Vorpal sword. Brilliant.
Yeah. Mach Tow. All right.
Knee boots--work it.
I'm in front
of the line...yeah.
It's almost 8:00.
My show's on.
Un-un-uh, there'll be
no boob tube tonight.
Wow, Battleship.
Where'd you dig
this out from?
Well, I was
in the attic
looking for Twister,
which I was hoping
we could play naked...
and I stumbled upon this,
which we could
also play naked.
Um, don't think
I wanna play naked.
How about no shirts?
OK, fair enough.
Let's get cracking.
Come on.
All right, well,
I gotta warn ya,
I used to rock
at this game.
Yeah, you better pack
a swimsuit, sweetheart.
You're going down.
Yeah, OK, bring it.
All right,
it's all you.
All right,
here we go.
B-5.
Miss. C-7.
Miss. E-2.
Miss.
E-7.
Miss.
E-2.
Miss.
A-9.
Miss.
F-1.
Miss.
TV now.
Yeah.
♪ My eyes are
gettin' weary ♪
♪ My back is gettin' tight
♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪
♪ On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight ♪
♪ But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪
♪ Is cash my check
and drive right home to you ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby,
all my life ♪
♪ I will be
drivin' home to you ♪
[Clears Throat]
Excuse me.
Where's your
Raymond Burr section?
Um, we don't have one.
Uh, what's the title of the
movie you're looking for?
I'm not sure,
but there's a wonderful
scene on an airplane,
and early in the picture,
the hero mails a letter.
It was about, uh, yea big.
And it was
with Raymond Burr?
Possibly.
OK, I got
7 excellent choices.
You pick any one
you want.
OK, more than half of these
involve Chucky.
I'll take that
as a polite pass.
OK, and no,
no, and no.
Come on, these are
all stupid guy movies.
Uh, I think
you owe an apology
to miss Lara Croft:
Tomb Raider.
No, I saw the trailer.
It looks stupid.
Hmm, sounds like someone
wishes she were raiding tombs.
Doug, tonight, I want
to see a romantic movie
about 2 people
who fall in love.
Well, then how about
Lethal Weapon?
What, these guys
weren't in love?
All right, Doug, put 'em back.
Come on, Carrie.
It's not happening.
Let it go.
Well, I found
our picture,
Raymond Burr in
Destination: Istanbul.
No, Dad,
tonight, I wanna--
According to
Leonard Maltin,
it's Burr's
finest role!
Fine.
[People Cheering]
[Sighs]
Hey, Deac, you ever have
the whole backside
of both thighs
go completely numb?
No.
Huh.
I wouldn't
worry about it
unless it's
happening a lot.
No, no, no, no, no.
What would you
consider a lot?
Shh, shh, shh!
Hey, we're
talking here.
I wanna hear this.
I wanna hear this.
Man: Deep in the forest
of no trees,
on the first day
of the eternal equinox,
a child is born
who will ask the question
that will change the course
of Grünian history forever.
Child: Why must we
live in darkness?
Man: The Warriors of Grün,
Chapter One,
opens next Friday
at a theater near you.
Oh, my God!
We are so there!
Couldn't be
more not there.
You never read
the Trilogy of Grün?
It's a--It's a classic.
It's been translated into,
like, 50 different languages.
He was doing
so well.
He has a girlfriend,
started dressing
better,
and now this.
This movie's
gonna be huge,
and I'm gonna be
at the first show
if I have to camp out
for a week.
Have you ever actually
met this girlfriend?
Hey, guys.
Hey! Hey! Honey...
would you do me a favor
and unload these for me?
I'm gonna go change.
What'd you get
for dinner?
Uh, some salad fixin's
and a nice piece
of halibut.
Halibut?
Yeah, my dad wanted it.
It's good.
Yeah, it's the ocean's
answer to pork chops.
This is so annoying.
What?
Carrie doesn't listen
to me about anything.
This morning, I told her
5 things I wanted for dinner,
but Arthur wanted halibut,
bam, we get halibut,
and then last night, I wanted
to rent Lethal Weapon,
but no, Arthur wanted
to get something else.
So we gotta spend 2 hours
watching some fat guy
chasing his own letter
to Istanbul.
It's so unfair.
You sound
like my kid.
What do you mean?
Well, he always complains
that his little brother
gets his own way
all the time,
so you know what
he started doing?
He started tricking
the little guy
into asking for the
stuff he really wants.
Now I got a 4-year-old
hitting me up
for a Victoria's
Secret calendar.
Arthur!
Hello, Douglas.
King Arthur,
how goes it?
Did Carrie get me my fish?
Uh, yeah,
I think so.
Ah, halibut, very healthy
for the prostate.
If I had one, it would be
lubed to a fare-thee-well.
Yeah.
Uh, you know,
you haven't told me
any of your World War II
stories in a long time.
You were over
in Italy, right?
Uh-huh.
I actually have a photo taken
of myself with Mussolini.
He's upside down,
of course.
Oh, yeah.
That must have been
pretty wild, though, huh?
I mean, gosh,
being over there,
all the history,
the art...
the pizza.
The hookers weren't
too shabby, either.
I bet you they
weren't too shabby,
now, but back
to the pizza.
Actually, I remember the
night before our assault
on the German stronghold
in Montecasino.
We were just expecting
our usual K rations,
but then this little
baker showed up
with a wagon full of
freshly baked pizza pies.
Mmm, I bet you they
tasted pretty good, huh?
Oh, did they ever.
When I bit into that warm,
crispy slice of heaven,
it was like...
Like all the misery
and horror of war
just suddenly
disappeared?
Yes.
Hi, Dad.
I want pizza!
It's OK with me.
I don't care.
I want cheese steaks!
I want to try the new Chinese
place down the block!
I want Bose speakers
in our car!
I want fried chicken...
and waffles.
I wanna watch
Crank Yankers!
[Laughs] Oh, yeah.
Warriors of Grün,
huh?
3 days and counting,
am I right?
Yeah.
Is this the line?
No, that's the line for the movie
that starts in 10 minutes.
So I'm--I'm
first in line?
Oh, sweet!
Hello, Dark Lord
of Grün.
Your faithful servant
is first.
Hey.
Darling,
question for you.
Do you find me
sexually attractive?
Well, Dad.
Yes, I know
you're my daughter.
Can't you put that
aside for one moment
and answer
a simple question,
am I sexy?
No, I can't!
Why are we even
talking about this?
Well, usually, when I go
to the Senior Center,
I get quite a few admiring
glances from the ladies,
but today, zippo.
Even in the pale
blue sweat suit?
I was surprised, too.
So just tell me.
Have I gotten heavier?
You look fine.
No, I put on weight.
How can I not have with all the
junk I've been eating lately?
So why don't you
just eat a little better?
Funny, I always
intend to,
but then Douglas starts talking
to me about this and that,
and suddenly I'm slumped
in front of the TV,
and I'm eating something
terribly unhealthy.
I want pizza!
Chinese!
Cheese steaks!
Cotton candy!
Fried chicken!
That sneaky bastard.
Hey, babe.
Hey, hon.
How was work?
Good, good.
Listen, um,
I'm pretty beat.
I don't feel like cooking.
Is it OK
if we just order in?
Oh, yeah, sure.
What are you
in the mood for?
Well, I, uh, passed by this
new place on my way home.
Looks kind of fun.
"The Vegan Café
and Juice Hut."
You OK with that?
Yeah, little different,
but if that's what
my little lady wants,
I'll give it a go.
Oh, you're so sweet.
All right,
I'm gonna go change.
You look over the menu.
Will do.
OK.
OK.
[Footsteps]
[Whispering] Arthur.
"No oil, no butter.
We only cook
with love."
Arthur!
Is it dinnertime yet?
Yeah, yeah, come on.
Some day, huh?
City life,
I'll tell ya.
Sometimes I wish we just
lived in the country,
you know,
lived on a ...
a farm.
Wait a second.
Didn't you
live on a farm?
Yes, I did, from the
ages of 7 to 10,
then again at 43.
Wow, I bet you had
a lot of animals, huh?
Oh, yes, we had
a veritable barnyard.
What kind, exactly?
Everything. Goats.
Hmm, goats.
What else?
Chickens.
Chicken. I had
chicken for lunch.
Go on.
Well, uh, horses, pigs--
Pigs? Pigs?
You had pigs?
Oh, we had about
a dozen of them.
You know, they're
actually quite loyal
and intelligent animals.
And not
bad eatin', huh?
Well, sure.
We would marinate the ribs
in a honey whiskey sauce,
then slow-cook 'em
over an open pit
till the meat
was so tender
it was practically
falling off the bone.
Mmm, I bet you can
still taste it, huh?
Oh, can I.
Yeah, you wanna taste
some tonight for dinner?
No can do.
I'm on a very strict diet.
What?
OK, you ready
to order, honey?
Uh, yeah, um,
I'll go with
the grilled soy cheese.
Everything was
so great, you know?
I was working Arthur
like a finger puppet,
and out of nowhere,
he goes on this diet.
Now I can't eat
anything anymore.
You do realize you're
eating a hot dog right now?
Yeah, I know that.
I'm talking about
when I eat at home.
You know, Carrie always
wants to eat healthy.
Now Arthur does, too.
It's 2 to 1.
I'm being outvoted.
Well, you either gotta
keep eating healthy
or get 2 other fat guys
to move in with you.
That's funny.
That's good.
Hey, where's
my hot dog?
All right, it's coming.
Here.
Thanks.
Did we really have to come all the
way down here to give you this?
I mean, the cart
is 10 feet away.
I can't move.
I'm first in line.
There is no line.
People could come.
So you really slept
out here all night?
Yeah.
Little rough.
Little rough.
Pretty sure
someone touched me.
[Cell Phone Rings]
Oh.
Hold on.
Hello.
Yeah, no, Mom, I can't
take you right now.
I'm a little busy.
I--Well, wouldn't the
paramedics be faster?
Oh, OK, OK,
all right, OK,
I'm coming--coming.
Guys, I gotta take my
mom to the doctor.
Could you guys just
hold my place--
No.
Deac?
Yeah, "no" sounded
about right.
Oh, please!
I've been here
2 days.
I'm gonna be gone
for a couple hours.
You know what, Deac?
You owe me.
I've done a lot
of stuff for you.
Yeah, like what?
Like when Kelly
kicked you out
and I let you move into my
apartment 3 months rent-free
and created a home
for you and your kids.
Have fun, guy.
Can I help you?
What?
Oh, God, Arthur, you--
I didn't recognize you
from the back.
You look so lean.
I thought you were
the Sparkletts delivery guy.
Really?
Absolutely.
Well, I have been
dieting like a madman.
And it shows.
End of story, end of diet.
Now let's talk about our favorite
South American countries.
Mine's Chile.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
What's up?
Actually,
Douglas was saying
I might want to
ease up on my diet.
Oh, was he?
Yes, what do you
think, darling?
Hmm, uh,
I've gotta be honest
with you, Dad.
I don't think you're,
uh, quite there yet.
Really? I do.
Mmm, I don't know.
Turn around.
Mmm, still seeing a lot
of butter on the biscuit.
What rear end
are you looking at?
Right there,
Jiggles Magoo.
Are you kidding? You know
what I want for Christmas?
That ass wrapped
in bicycle shorts.
No, he doesn't, Dad. He doesn't
want your ass for Christmas.
I do, I do.
Doug, I know what you've
been doing, all right?
I know you've been
using my father
to get the food
that you want.
What?
Oh, come--
Don't play dumb.
Is this true, Douglas?
So I guess
my summer in Bologna
meant nothing to you.
Excuse me.
Tonight's dinner's
your call.
I'm easy.
You know, this whole thing
is really your fault.
Excuse me?
Yeah.
I only did all that
because--you know what?
I never get any of the
things I want around here.
I don't get
the food I want.
I don't get
the videos I want.
I let Arthur
live in my house,
and he gets anything
he asks for,
and I'm your husband,
and I get nothing!
Really?
[Whispering]
Yeah.
You get nothing?
'Cause I--'Cause I'm--
I'm kind of thinking back here,
and I'm remembering ordering
a lot of pizzas for you
and watching a lot
of Stallone movies
that I'm pretty sure
weren't my idea.
Oh, and then there was
that lizard that I let you buy
that may... or may not still
be in this house somewhere.
And I'm sorry. I'm confused.
Was it my idea
to drive 10 hours
to the Ultimate Fighting
Championship in Dayton, Ohio?
No...
but you controlled the
radio most of the way.
OK, so what are we talking
about here, Doug, huh?
What things haven't
you gotten your way on?
List them for me.
I guess it was...
that video that
Arthur wanted and...
then the halibut.
So, 2 things?
Well, 2 in a row.
Deac?
Oh, hey, guys.
What--What's up?
What's up, man? We're going to
check out the Jet Li movie.
What you doing?
Uh, nothing, just, uh...
just chillin'.
What's up with
the wizard, man?
Uh, that's actually--
Uh, is a friend's.
[Laughs] Hold up.
Are you lined up
for that Grün thing?
No, no, man. I told you, I'm just
holding a place for my friend.
Palmer's all
Grüned up.
[Both Laugh]
All right, then.
Um...wait up, guys.
Hey, Arthur.
Hello.
You want
some ice cream?
No, no.
This cottage cheese
is all I'm allowed.
You don't need to diet, OK?
You look great.
Don't, Douglas.
My body image
is topsy-turvy right now.
Look, I'm really sorry
about everything, OK?
If it makes you feel
any better,
Carrie's really
mad at me, and...
she's not letting it go.
How bad is it?
Well, she won't
talk to me,
she won't look me in the
eye, and I'm pretty sure
there won't be any shimmy-sham
in the near future.
My second wife Lily used to shut
the gate on me pretty good, too.
Really?
Why don't you tell me
about that?
I want you to have
sex with Douglas!
And I want pizza!
It was all right, man.
Kind of--[Laughs]
Wah-taah!
It was good.
Let's go that way.
I'm in the front
of the line.
Been here a few days.
I'm just going
to go back up, and--
Nice wand. Excellent.
Oh, Vorpal sword. Brilliant.
Yeah. Mach Tow. All right.
Knee boots--work it.
I'm in front
of the line...yeah.