The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 7 - Lyin' Hearted - full transcript

Hey, you know what they
ought to bring back?

Old-fashioned nurses.

You know, the ones with
really big breasts

and low-cut uniforms.

My father is about to
have heart surgery.

And don't you think
he'd like to wake up

with a nice big pair
of bosoms in his face?

Come here. Look,

it's not even real
heart surgery.

It's angioplasty.

Come on, let's read the pamphlet



Dr. Davis gave you.

No. It's stupid. It's not.

It's about a little
cartoon character

named Angie o'plasty.

That worked out well, didn't it?

Yeah, 'cause you meet a lot
of people named o'plasty.

Oh, come on.

She's a little heart
with a bow in her hair.

She's adorable.

If I were a little boy heart,

I'd... I'd take a run at her.

Just read. Ok, all right.

"Come along for a
tour of the heart

"with your special
guide, Angie o' plasty.



First stop, the groin."

Whoa.

Wasn't expectin' that.

Ok, let's see.

But, th-the-the...
Look, it's simple.

They send a balloon
into his heart vessel

and blow it up. It's fun.

It's like a... It's
like a birthday party.

Maybe they can make
it into a poodle.

He's gonna be ok, right?

Yes, he's gonna be fine.

Look, he's gonna be
better than fine.

He's gonna be great.

Could you float me a Buck?

What?

I'm kind of hungry.

That's a chipwich machine.

I think you know
where this is goin'.

I used all my singles
for parking.

Come on. All I got
is a $100 bill.

All right, you know what?

You work on your little
problem over there,

and I'm gonna go ask the
doctor a few more questions

I won't understand
the answers to.

Blue team to I.C.U., please.

Blue team, I.C.U.

Hey. I know you.

You deliver for I.P.S., right?

Yeah.

You don't recognize me, do you?

Here, maybe this will help you.

Huh.

S-s-still not gettin' it.

I'm lookin' through
a peephole, guy.

Oh. Oh, ok.

Come on, you deliver
to me all the time.

225 Jewel Avenue.

Oh, wait a second.

I can... I can see the
name on the package.

F. Moynihan.

You got it.

Oh, man. Hey!

Hey.

Can I tell you something?

You're great.

Uh, I am?

Well, I mean, when you deliver,

you're a pleasure to deal with.

I mean, you enjoy your job, and...
and it shows.

Wow. Well, thanks,

f.

So, what are you...
What are you in for?

Oh, I got a little,
uh, tummy trouble.

Just in for a little checkup.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

Hey, speakin' of tummies,

I'm tryin' to get a chipwich.

Any, uh, chance you
got change of a $100?

You know somethin'?

This is on me.

Really?

You betcha.

Oh, wow, man. Thanks. I
really appreciate that.

And you know what?

If you ever need anything,

here is my card.

Wow. Jeez, you guys get
your own cards, huh?

Yeah, we're not really sure why.

Hey, you know what?

Maybe for situations
just like this.

Well, for all the deliveries
you brought to me,

allow me to deliver this to you.

Hey, where do I sign?

Delightful.

Hey!

Daddy, you look great.

Hey, who's up for a
little angioplasty?

Hey, got a taker right here.

I think you've dislodged my I.V.

Be a love and try to find it

before I expire.

Dad, come on. You're
gonna be fine.

So, you ok? You need anything?

Actually, could you stop home

and pick up my sleep mask?

Sure. Where is it?

I'm not sure. I haven't
used it in a while,

since you've got me sleeping

in a windowless basement.

We'll find it.

Also, and this is important,

when I'm under,

please see to it they
don't circumcise me.

They're not gonna
circumcise you.

Excuse me,

what is the name
of this hospital?

Forest Hills Jewish.

Enough said.

Excuse me, kids,

I just need to do some
prep work on your dad.

Here we go.

Whoa.

Dad, listen to me.

I know you're a little scared,

but you're gonna be fine.

You're gonna live a
very long time with us

in our home.

Apparently, it's
what God intended.

Ok?

Ok. All right.

All righty, we'll
see you later, ok?

His sleep mask isn't here.

Can't we just give
him some duct tape?

Honey, could you look up there?

I got to tell ya, car, I'm
still a little rattled

by what I found in
that cigar box.

All right, come on.
Shake it off.

Look up there.

All right.

Ok, uh, I'm touching
something moist,

and hand coming down now.

Ooh, look... look, there's
a box right there.

Bring that box down.
Right there.

Oh, God, the whole
box is moist, too.

What's this?

What is it?

Look at this.

This is a scrapbook
of all my old stuff.

Look at that.

My... my finger paintings,
my report cards.

I can't believe he
kept all this stuff.

Ok, now I really
want him to live.

This crap is not
comin' off my finger.

Oh, look, my
first-grade picture.

Look at my pigtails.

Woof.

Looks like you had a bad
case of mono-nucle-ugly.

I just made that up
this second, I swear.

I can't believe it.

I almost want to cry.

Wait a second.

What is this?

What?

It's an acceptance letter
from Florida state.

I didn't know you got
into Florida state.

Neither did I. I never
saw this before.

What do you mean?

I mean I never saw
this letter before.

I applied. I really
wanted to go.

I never heard back.

I... I just assumed they...
they rejected me

like every other college,

and that beauty school.

He must've hid this from me.

Why would he do that?

I don't know. I don't know.

Look at this.

It's a pros and cons list

about whether I
should go or not.

"Pro: Better life for her.

Con: Worse life for me."

Well, that's good.

That-that's some great
parenting right there.

"Pro: Sunshine.

Con: Burt Reynolds
dinner theater."

This is crazy.

Actually, my parents
saw Evita there

and loved it.

Now I-if I would've
gone to this school,

I... I could've gotten a degree.

I could've gotten out of queens.

My whole life would
have been different.

Well, your life turned
out ok, didn't it?

Huh? Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I am gonna kill him.

I am gonna go down to
that hospital right now,

and I'm gonna kill him.

Would you take it easy?

Look, you have every
right to be mad,

but he's going in for
heart surgery, ok?

So you can't do
anything about it now.

But I'm gonna... Shh.

Kill. Shh.

More importantly, we got to
think about other things.

Like what the hell
is on my finger?

Hey, we're back. How ya doin'?

I'm pretty sure they drugged me.

You're goin' in for surgery.

They're supposed to drug you.

You are one dumb bunny.

Here you go.

Brought you your sleep mask
and some clean pajamas.

Yeah, hello?

Uh-huh.

Ok, sure.

You know what? They need
me down at admitting.

Must be about billing
or somethin'.

I'll go. What?

No, I can take care of it.

Oh, honey.

Don't leave me alone
with him, ok?

I might... I might hurt him.

Come on. I'm serious.

I could pull a rubber
glove over his head.

You see? I already have a plan.

You're gonna be fine.

No!

What, no magazines?

You didn't ask for magazines.

Didn't realize I had to
ask for the obvious.

Sorry.

Are you Mr. Heffernan?

Uh, yeah.

Please, please, have a seat.

Ok.

My name is Dr. berger.

Mmm-hmm.

How are ya?

I'm afraid that Mr.
moynihan's condition

I-is quite a bit more serious

than we first thought.

M-Mr. m-moynihan? F. Moynihan?

Yes... yes.

You see, he has a volvulus,

which in layman's terms
is a twisted colon.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Now, I'm afraid that we're
gonna have to perform

emergency surgery
on him immediately.

Mmm.

And why are you telling
me this exactly?

Well, you are Mr. moynihan's
emergency contact.

Now, we haven't broken
the news to him yet.

We... well, we feel it's best

for a loved one to be present.

No, the thing is, uh...

Hey!

Did you happen to see

the best I.P.S.
Guy in the world?

Mr. Spooner,

we're about ready
for your procedure.

They'll be in, in a few
minutes to wheel you down.

Ok. Thank you.

Darling, can you say
a few words with me?

Hmm?

I'm about to have heart surgery.

I figure it can't hurt

to talk to the man upstairs.

Oh. Ok.

Just so you understand,

"man upstairs" is a
euphemism for God.

I know. I just didn't want you

running upstairs lookin'
for some other man.

Thank you.

Dear God,

please help me get through
my heart procedure,

and please make sure they
don't circumcise me.

Special emphasis on the latter.

Amen.

Amen.

Uh, dad, since you're prayin',

now may be a good time
to confess anything

that may be bothering you.

Anything you think
you've done wrong.

Mmm, no.

No?

'Cause I was thinkin',

oh, I don't know, um,

anything that you did
in world war ii,

or, say, when I was a
senior in high school?

Oh.

Mmm.

Oh.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

That boy you liked,
Dennis paretto?

He called you once,

and I never told you about it.

What?

He burped into the phone.

He claimed it was an accident.

I didn't buy it.

Dennis paretto?

The guy I was in love
with for, like, 3 years.

He called, and you
didn't tell me?

I'm terribly sorry.

Thank you for making me

clear my conscience, sweetheart.

I feel much better now.

Glad I can help.

Ok, now here's
what I don't like.

You see the way

the colon sort of
twists around itself?

Not really.

Well, you see it there, Doug?

Not really. No.

Well, the good news is,

I think we caught
it early enough.

Anyway, I'll give you two
a few minutes alone.

Uh. Uh.

Twisted colon.

That doesn't sound so bad.

Hey, twisty!

So you put me down as your
emergency contact, huh?

Yeah, I got your number
off the card you gave me.

I didn't think they'd
have to use it.

Oh! Whoa!

Wow, that is twisted.

Um,

I, uh,

I... I really gotta get
goin', 'cause, my, uh,

father-in-law has got
a thing of his own.

Ok. Bye, Doug.

God bless you.

Uh, is there anyone

you want me to call for you?
Or...

No. You're my emergency contact.

There is nobody else.

Pretty pathetic, huh?

No, no. I mean,

I'll tell you who
has a rough time

gettin' emergency contacts.

Amish people. No phones, huh?

Uh, amish people have phones.

I don't think they do.

Well, even if they
don't have phones,

let me tell you
what they do have.

They have family and
friends that love 'em.

Hey, not necessarily.

I bet you there are some very
nasty amish people out there.

Doug, I appreciate what you're
trying to do for me here,

but I think we both
know that amish people

are pretty great.

Well, so are you.

Hey, Doug?

Can we go hold the pre-mies?

I'm... I'm sorry?

The premature babies
down in the nursery.

The human contact helps
them grow and...

Well, I think connecting
with life in that way

might make me feel a
whole lot better.

Plus, they smell really good.

Uh, I... I... I can't, 'cause I...
I have a thing

I gotta run to. My
father-in-law, so...

Hey... hey, you... you
enjoyed the chipwich

that I got you, right?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, good, good. You know what?

L-let me pay you back for that.

Oh, no, come on.

No, I owe you a dollar.

No, you do not owe me anything.

Uh, there you go.
We are all square,

so now nobody owes
anybody anything, ok?

And this is so not a big deal.

Nice picture, though, huh?

I should have got that
guy for my wedding.

Ok, take care now. Hey, twisty!

Dennis paretto.

How could my father
not have told me

that Dennis paretto called?

I don't know.

I really liked him.

He was... He was really nice,

very good-looking,

and you know what he does now?

He owns a chain of very
successful dry-cleaning stores.

All right, you
know what, Carrie?

This is really startin' to hurt.

Uh, this is not about you, ok?

Well, it's annoying, Carrie.

Now you're running
off to Florida,

you're married to a
guy named Dennis.

I'm just not sure
where I fit in.

Oh, you fit in. You
fit in just fine.

Oh, but then

he's got me furious at him

at the very moment I
should be feeling

love and kindness!

All right, I just gotta get
back to a loving place.

I just gotta picture
him lying there,

weak and helpless,

going through the most traumatic
experience of his life.

I got nothin'. I'm dead inside.

You know what might help?
A chipwich.

I don't want a chipwich.

Look, you want a chipwich.

And more importantly,
I want a chipwich.

Uh-oh.

What?

Oh, no. I think I accidentally
gave my $100 to f. Moynihan

when I was payin' him back.

Who?

The guy who bought me a
chipwich before. Crap!

Wait a second.

His surgery was
scheduled for 3:00.

He should be out soon.

God, the waiting is unbearable!

Mrs. Heffernan?

Yes. Hi. So?

Your dad did great.

In fact, there was less
blockage than we thought.

Ok.

He's resting now,

so you can go see
him if you like.

Ok, thanks again. That's good.

All right. Come on, honey.

You know what? I-I'll
be right there.

Ok.

Uh, Dr. berger?

Oh. Well, hello, Doug.

How's he doin'?

The operation went well.

Oh, thank God.

Thank God.

Can I see him?

Yes. Now, you should know

that we did find a
perforation of the bowel,

which we've taken care of,

but, of course,

there's always a
chance of infection.

Now, do you have any questions?

Uh-huh.

Are his pants with him?

Hi.

Hi. These just came for him

"from the boys down at
the senior center."

Ok. Thank you.

You see?

You see what I'm doing here?

I... I threw out your flowers.

I shouldn't do that.

Those came for you.

But you know what?

That acceptance letter
from Florida state

came for me.

Dennis paretto called for me.

So it actually felt really good

to throw out your flowers.

It felt

really good.

What else you got goin' on here?

Let's see. Ooh.

Rice pudding.

Oh, you love rice pudding.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Delicious.

You don't know what
you're missing.

Mmm. Yeah, baby.

Ok, this is putrid.

Do you see what you
got me doing here?

I am throwing out your flowers

and eating old-people food
just so you can't have it.

That's how much I hate you.
That's how much.

Oh, my God.

Daddy?

It's ok, sweetheart.

That happens sometimes
when we first plug it in.

Thank you.

And, uh, all the balloons.

Doug?

Are you robbing me?

No. No, I was just, uh,

feeling your pants.

What are these, denim?

Yes, they are.

So, can we hold
the pre-mies now?

Sh... sh-sure, buddy, we can...

We can go hold the pre-mies.

Great.

First help me go
to the bathroom?

Carrie?

Hey.

You're fine.

Everything went great.

Wonderful.

Is all this for me?

Yep.

All for you.

Wow.

Actually, I'm just
happy you're here.

I was a little afraid
of waking up alone.

Well, you're not alone.

Thank you, darling.

That's the view I'm lookin' for.

♪ What a dream I had

♪ pressed in organdy

♪ clothed in crinoline

♪ of smoky burgundy

♪ softer than the rain

♪ I wandered empty streets

♪ I heard cathedral bells

♪ oh, I love you, girl