The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 6 - Ticker Treat - full transcript

Come on.

How long's it take to find
your kid a Halloween costume?

Quit rushin' me, man.
You're the one

who took 20 minutes
smelling shampoos.

Let's go!

I'm trying. He wants
to be a superhero

and there are no
black superheroes.

How about this:

Get him a leather
coat, a turtleneck,

let him go as shaft?

I can't have my kid be
shaft for Halloween.



He can't be the
black private dick

that's a sex machine
to all the chicks?

He's 6.

Whatever.

And how many kids
are you expecting

to come to your house?

This isn't for the kids.
This is for me.

So if that's all for you,

what do your trick-or-treaters
get, the finger?

Nah.

We usually just
shut the lights out

and pretend we're not home.

Does that mean Carrie's gotta take an
occasional egg to the back of the head?

Sure. But you know what?
The trade-off's worth it.



Come on, man. My kid wants
to come to your house

to trick-or-treat.
Can't you do something

to make the place look
a little halloweenish?

I mean, get a pumpkin at least.
Damn.

If it'll shut you up,
I'll get a pumpkin.

That's all?

6 bucks?

It's an orange
vegetable with a dent.

So could we go, already?

All right, all right. Ooh!

I'll just give him Darth Vader.

I mean, he's black, right?

And James Earl Jones
did his voice.

But wait when his mask finally
comes off, he's a white guy.

What do you think?

Let's go!

Hey, how's it goin'?

What is that?

Oh, boy.

It's a pumpkin.

What is it doing in this house?

Dad...

It's a Halloween thing for the kids.
What are you...

There will be no
Halloween in this house!

You understand? It's forbidden.

Forbidden!

What the hell was that?

Nothing. He just hates Halloween.
That's all.

Yes, I gleaned that.

It doesn't give him the right
to smash my pumpkin, does it?

Does it? All right! Calm down.

It's a pumpkin, not
your entenmann's cake.

We never do Halloween, anyway.
Why do you care so much?

I don't. I just got it 'cause
Deacon's bringin' Kirby over.

Now I gotta go get another one.

And maybe an entenmann's cake.

Whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa!

Don't get another pumpkin, Doug.

Why not? Just don't.

Why? Why? 'Cause it's
forbidden by wrinkles McGee?

Why do you wanna
upset him so much?

I mean, Kirby can see
a pumpkin anywhere.

This town is stupid
with pumpkins.

That's not the point, ok?

I'm sick of him and his
forbidding things.

First, we can only buy
an American-made v.C.R.

Hey, the dugan-Edwards
works pretty well.

Oh, yeah, it's great

if you don't need it
to "rewind" or "play."

Let's not forget:

No red pens, no soft cheese,
no mention of f.D.R.'S polio.

All right, so he's
got some quirks.

Suddenly, this is news to you?

I'm just sick of it, Carrie.

You know, at some point,
someone's gotta take a stand

against that lunatic,
and you know what?

I'm takin' that stand.
I'm gettin' a pumpkin.

Oh, so that's your stand?

Your big stand is for Halloween?

That's right.

World hunger, no, but...
but Halloween,

that's your cause?

They're both important.

Right now, I'm
focusing on Halloween.

Doug, honey, I am begging you.

You've gotta pick your
battles with my father.

This is not worth fighting for.

Fine.

Fun-sized kit-kats.

Also forbidden!

Costume-shopping
twice in one week.

If this is a dream,
do not wake me up.

Give me a break, will ya?
Darth Vader made him cry.

Too scary.

I hear that.

By the way, don't
bother bringin' him

by the house this year. Why not?

Stupid Arthur
smashed the pumpkin

all over our backyard.

Huge mess.

Plus the neighborhood cats

are takin' their sweet-ass
time lickin' it up.

He smashed the pumpkin?
What's that guy's problem?

Apparently, he's forbidden
Halloween in my house.

Man, I've never understood
how you let someone

push you around who's
just sponging off you

in the first place.

Oh, I'm gettin' pushed around?

You're the one who's runnin'

back and forth to a drugstore
trying to find a costume

for someone who, let's face it,

is totally spongin' off of you.

You mean my kid?

That's right. Cold glass
of water, isn't it?

Ok, first of all, Kirby's
in grade school.

And second, he actually
doesn't sponge off of us.

He does a lot to help
out around the house.

Like what?

Cleans his room, makes his
bed, rinses his dinner plates.

He does? Yeah.

Son of a mother!

Arthur doesn't do any of that.

I mean, the guy contributes
nothing to our house,

except the smell of
brylcreem and old.

Man, he is wearin'
me like a sombrero.

Black power ranger.

I guess I'll give this a shot.

A little witchy-witch action.

♪ Witchy tah

you, my friend, can
go right over here.

Oh, 'cause we are takin' back
the house tonight. Slim, huh?

Yeah!

Trick or treat.

Hey, my first customer!

Who are you supposed
to be there, kirb?

A powerpuff girl.

We, uh,

fo-fought about this
for 7 straight hours.

Which powerpuff
girl are you, kirb?

Blossom.

Blossom?

Cool.

All right, well, here
you go, blossom.

Take whatever you like.

A... a Mary Jane, Kirby?
Take the 3 musketeers.

I want a Mary Jane.

No. No. He wants the
three musketeers.

3 men in tights?

Feels like a lateral move, Deac.

Thanks.

Hello?

It's Arthur. I gotta go.

Yeah. Come on, Kirby

Bye.

See you later.

It's showtime.

Hey, Arthur.

Hello, Douglas.

Hey, look, if you've
gotta second,

you might want to mosey
on into the living room.

What for?

'Cause I just think there's
somethin' in there

that might interest ya. Come on.

Hey, I like your costume.

Huh?

I.P.S. Driver. That's hilarious.

Hey, if you really
want to be convincing,

make sure your candy gets
to the kids 3 days late.

Right.

Doug, how's my dad?
Is everything ok?

Yeah, he's fine. He's fine, ok?

The doctor's in there
now checking him out.

He had what they called,
uh, a heart ischemia.

A heart ischemia?

What the hell is that?
Did he tell you?

Yeah. Yeah. He said
it's not that serious.

It's just when the heart
a-a-and the ischemia part

of the heart...

It doesn't throb in
the traditional...

I don't know.

Would you listen when
the man talks to you?

Hi. I'm Dr. Davis.

Are you Mr. Spooner's daughter?

Yes. Is... is he ok? Is
everything all right?

Yes. Your father's
stable right now.

His condition isn't
life-threatening,

but we are going to keep
him here to run some tests

tomorrow just so we can find out

exactly what's going on.

Ok, do you know what
could have caused this?

Oh, for God's sake, Carrie,

there's no reason to
live in the past.

Whatever happened, happened.

Just shut up. I wanna know.

What... what could've caused it?

Probably salt or
somethin', right?

I mean, the man
likes his pickles.

Well, these things are
usually brought on

by some sort of shock
to the system.

Actually, he said his son-in-law

tried to scare him to death.

Anyhow, he's awake now,

so you can head on
in and say hello.

Ok.

Doctors.

They think they're God.

What'd you do, Doug?

Nothing. Doug!

I put up a few Halloween decorations.
That's all.

Your father walked in,
he saw a paper ghost

and he just dropped!

Oh, my God.

Carrie, it was a paper ghost.

He might as well have been
scared by an envelope.

I asked you not to push him
on this Halloween thing.

Why couldn't you just let it go?

Because it's my house, ok?
And he doesn't respect that.

The... the man doesn't
even rinse his dishes.

Neither do you.

I do.

I did that time.

Hi, daddy.

How you doin'?

Been better.

I know.

But you're gonna be fine.

Listen, can you do
me a little favor?

Sure.

Could you go through
my address book

and call all my friends
and my loved ones?

Don't alarm them.

Just bring them up to
speed on my predicament.

Sure.

Anything else?

I'd love a pack of sen-sen

and the latest issue of gent.

Ok, I don't know

what either of those things are,

but I will do my best.

Ok, get some rest.

I love you.

I'm just gonna talk to
him for a couple secs.

Be nice. I will.

All right, Arthur, I get it.

Cold shoulder, ok?

Look, I... I feel
bad, all right?

I'm sorry I made you have a heart...
Thing.

I'm... I'm sorry.

Arthur, I'm apologizing to you.

You know? But you gotta admit,

you went a little insane over
some Halloween decorations...

All right.

You just can't keep doing things like...
would you stop?

Could you please stop moving?

Arthur. All right, forget it!
Ok, forget it.

I tried to talk to you, but
you just won't listen,

so, you know, I'm
outta here, ok?

Douglas!

Yeah.

Did I ever tell you
about my father?

No.

The man was a rotten gambler.

Oh, sure, once in a while
he'd stumble on a winner

and toss a nickel my way.

Before he could change his mind,

I'd run down to Gabe's pizzeria

for some lemon ices.

Nothing ever tasted better.

You ever been to Gabe's?

It's a Bronx landmark.

Gabe's pizzeria?

I... I don't think so.

They have a picture of a chimp

with a big Italian
moustache in the window.

It's hilarious.

Ok. All right.

You do understand chimps don't
usually have moustaches?

I get the funny. I just, uh...

Wh-where... where are you
goin' with this, Arthur?

Well, as I said, my
father was usually broke.

One Halloween, when I was 8,
things were especially bad.

It looked like we
might go hungry.

In those days, on Halloween,

people would give out
apples and cakes,

and sometimes, even a penny.

My father made me go
trick-or-treating

till my feet were numb.

I had to change
costumes a few times

so I could repeat houses.

But the neighbors knew.

I tell you, Douglas,

it doesn't feel
good to be pitied.

So you'll forgive me if
I don't share your love

for a holiday called Halloween.

I'm feelin' a little punk.

Good night.

So you knew that's why
he hated Halloween?

Why didn't you tell me?

It's a horrible story.

I didn't want to embarrass him.

Now you don't want
to embarrass him?

Last week you sent me down there

to apply ointment to
his inflamed area.

This is different.

I didn't think I had to
tell you a tragic story

to keep you from trying
to make his heart stop.

It was a paper ghost.

Here, is this scary to you?
Look!

It's wavin' at ya. "How-do?"

Ok, well, why doesn't he "how-do"
in the garbage? All right?

Now I gotta start makin'
these calls for my dad.

I just...

I feel so bad.

I mean, all these years

I thought Arthur
was being insane

just to annoy me.

Never thought that
things in his life

actually made him that way.

Oh, God, I can't get that
image out of my mind

of little Arthur
in his beanie hat

running down to that
Gabe's pizzeria

with a nickel in his hand.

Lemon ices!

All right, he sounds
like that now.

I don't think he
did when he was 8.

Where are you goin'?

I need some air.

Uh, hello. Uh, is
this dottie greco?

Hi. Yeah. I have some
not-so-good news, um,

about your friend
Arthur Spooner.

Yeah. He's in the hospital
with a minor heart problem.

He's not in any... huh?

Uh, no.

I don't know if he still
has your redd foxx album.

But that's not really
why I was calling.

No, I'm not gonna
go look for it now.

I'm trying to tell you
something that...

Hello?

Ok, please tell me

that was the right
Gabe's pizzeria.

Nope. The guy said

he's only been in
business since '83.

F.Y.I.: Danny aiello's
had a slice there.

All right, so where's
the next Gabe's?

All right, the next one is

"original Gabe's, 2850
kingsbridge road."

There's an original Gabe's?

Why the hell didn't we
start with that one?

Because there's 4
original Gabe's.

Can't we just go to any of them?

No! I gotta get him lemon ices

from the same place
he got 'em as a kid!

I owe it to him.

It's the least I can do for
almost killin' the guy.

A Buck's worth of lemon ices?

Actually, that is the
least you can do.

You know what? You said
you'd help, all right?

You don't wanna help,
I'll take you home.

I don't feel like bein'
home right now anyway.

This thing with Kirby's
got me kinda rattled.

I'm afraid I'll walk in the door

and he'll be wearing a girdle.

Hey, take it easy, all right?

Just 'cause he wants
to be a girl superhero

doesn't mean he's gay.

You know they say
that most drag queens

are actually straight?

That's supposed to
make me feel better?

A little.

Arthur Spooner.

S-p-o-o-n-e-r.

Same name as you!

Oh, now, come on.
Don't say that.

That's not nice at all.

Trick or treat!

Oh, what great costumes.

Listen, the man might die,

then how would you feel, huh?

What are you, a witch?

Scary.

Oh, you would, too,
give a rat's ass!

Stuart little right
here in my house.

Oh, would you stop your whining?

He taught me to
swim the same way.

It's called tough
love, you idiot.

Happy Halloween.

Was that it?

Nope. That was Gabe's
oriental massage.

F.Y.I.:

Danny aiello's been there, too.

Ok, you know what?

Just send your
ex-business partner

a friggin' card, ok?

Get a pen.

Never mind who this is.
Get a pen!

Trick or treat!

I'm gonna need about 15 minutes.

I told you we'd find it.

Feel kinda stupid now, don't ya?

Actually, I stopped
caring 5 gabes ago.

Hey, how you doin'?

A pint of lemon ices, please.

We're closed.

You know what? We're
headed right back out

as soon as you hook
us up with some ices.

Lem-eon-eonee-on!

Buddy, do me a favor.

I already z'd out the register.

He already z'd out the register.

Hey! Ok, would you, please?

Look, here... Here's the deal.

There's an old man

who used to come to this
place when he was a kid,

and eating these lemon ices
was the one bright spot

in his whole rotten childhood.

That man is lying in a bed
right now in a hospital

with a heart ischemia.

That's right, a heart ischemia.

What do you say, friend, huh?
Come on.

I had a heart ischemia.

It ain't that bad.

I'm beggin' ya. One cup of ices.

I said no!

Try pathmark.

Come on. Let's just
go to pathmark.

I need sucrets anyway. I
think I'm gettin' sick.

All right.

The dumpster's all
the way down there.

What are you doin'?

I'm gettin' my father-in-law
some lemon ices.

What the hell are you doin', man?
That-that's stealing.

Not if I leave him
20 bucks, it's not.

You'll spot me 20?

Fine.

Hurry up, will ya?

Ok.

Wait a second!
This is pineapple!

So? Get him pineapple.

The man wants lemon!

This is banana! Damn it,
they're all yellow!

Will you hurry up?

Well, there it is. Lemon.
There's lemon. Ok.

Let's go.

Ooh, it's a little gooey...

Let's go! Ok!

Hey, could I get a slice
and a coke, please?

Uh, sorry. We're closed.

Aw, come on, man. I
just got off my shift.

Guy, I already z'd
out the register.

Ok, fine.

"Coke," you said?

Yeah.

Pepsi, ok?

Sure.

You havin' a good Halloween?

Oh, yeah, sure, you know.

Got stuck in traffic
comin' home, though.

They're havin' that big gay
pride parade downtown.

Oh, man, that's a wild
scene, I gotta tell ya.

My son's gay.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

Great kid. Great kid. Hmm.

I love him a lot.

Aw.

Hey! Open the door!

You know what? We,
uh, we gotta go.

Hey!

I got you somethin'.

I think you're gonna
like it, pal.

He's fine.

He had another slight episode,

but thankfully, there was
no additional damage

to the heart.

Oh! Thank God.

But it might be a good
idea to stop scaring him.

Mmm-hmm.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Thank you, doctor.

It was a paper bag!

So what do you think?

Delicious, Douglas.

Thank you.

This really takes me back.

Lemon ices!