The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 5 - No Retreat - full transcript

If eatin' hotdogs is wrong,

I don't wanna be right.

Man, I read an article on what
actually goes into a hotdog...

Hey, man! That's
none of our concern.

Hey, listen, on Saturday I'm
takin' my brother's boat out.

You guys wanna go water skiing?

Not me. Not me.

Hey, let me... let me tell you about
the one time I went water skiing.

Or as I like to call it
my 40-mile-an-hour enema.

I'm in the water, right?
I'm adjustin' my vest,

and the guys I'm with, they... they...
they just take off, you know.



So I'm screamin', "stop, stop!"

And they're like... Hey, guys.

Hey. Listen, I'm telling
my water skiing story.

Oh, did you throw in your
40-mile-an-hour enema line yet?

Yes, I did, and it was
very well received.

Finally, I get up for, like, 2
seconds, and then I wipe out.

I hit the water,

my bathing suit literally
explodes on impact.

So I'm just floatin'
there, and I...

Oh, do the floaty thing.

Oh, I'm... I'm like this.
Whoa, whoa, I'm floatin'.

And I realize I scream
exactly the same

if a great white
is gonna attack me

or if a piece of seaweed
touches my foot.



Same scream.

All right, I'm gonna
go finish packing.

I wanna leave early tomorrow.

Bye, you guys. Later, carr.

Where you guys goin'?

Oh, Carrie's got a retreat
with her law firm upstate.

Sounds brutal.

Yeah, but it's a
big deal for her.

Listen, Deac, could I get
you to check in on Arthur?

There's no, uh, washing or
wiping involved, is there?

No, he's still on top of that.
Ok.

All right, who needs
another brew?

Oh, right here.

All righty.

Oh, look.

Look at the tie I bought
you for the retreat.

It's gonna go great
with your brown jacket.

Yeah, the, uh, brown jacket

doesn't close in the
traditional sense anymore.

What? Why didn't you tell me that before?
I could have had it altered.

I'll wear my blue jacket.

What're you getting
so worked up about?

Because, Doug, this
is the first time

I've been invited to... to...
to a work function

where I'm actually a guest.

Where my name will
just be Carrie.

Not "Carrie, coffee, now!"

Ok, ok.

Well, if any of the senior
partners are gonna be there,

you know, I wanna work
for one of these guys.

Their secretaries
make a lot of money.

They have their own offices.
They're on the lunch list!

Ok, honey, I'm with you.

I'll go. I'll... I'll dress up.
I'll be your trophy husband.

I know that's why
you married me.

Thanks, honey.

You-you're being
great about this.

Come on, I love you, you know.
I'm here for you.

Oh, oh, and I... I bought you
another thing for the trip.

A book?

Yeah. Yeah. I heard it's
supposed to be great.

It's about those guys who climbed mt.
Everest.

I thought you might
want somethin' to read.

I have never wanted
something to read.

You know, here's
the thing, honey.

Um, I was looking at the, uh,

the brochure for the
lodge up there,

and, um, the thing
is there's no T.V.

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

Isn't this great?

Ok, I'm the only one in a tie.

But you look nice.

Carrie, a guy thought
I was the manager,

and told me the toilet won't
stop flushing in 312.

It'll be fine, all right.

I wanna... I wanna
schmooze everybody.

Let's heffernate the place.

Mr. Thompson, hi.

Hi.

I wanna congratulate you
on becoming partner.

Oh, thanks.

This is my husband Doug.

Doug, this is Mr. Thompson.

He just made partner.

Oh, really? Wow.

Howdy, partner.

Hey, Carrie, real quick.

I want you to meet
sue rabinowitz.

You talk to her all the
time on the phone,

and she wants to put a
face with the name.

Sure. Excuse me for one minute.

No, Carrie, wait, please,
God, I hate you.

So, partner.

Actually, it's been quite
a journey there, Doug.

Uh, you know, funny story.

Um, or-originally,
I was admitted

to the bar in Virginia, uh,

and then I... I made my way
back up to New York there,

so I had to take a new bar exam.

Now, that was difficult

because some of the
laws are similar,

and then some of them
are slightly different.

I see you're enjoying
the doodles.

Yeah.

You realize Doug and Carrie

left me a limited
supply of food.

I... I brought
this from my house

and I left you another
bag, right there.

Why don't you check
the attitude, son?

I'm gonna get a glass of water.
You want some?

No. Look, I'm 76 years old,

and I don't need a baby-sitter!

I should be baby-sitting you.

Look, man, Doug just asked
me to check in on you.

I'm just being nice.

Nice, my ass!

You just like playing God.

I could be at home
with my wife and kids.

Do you also sit
in front of them,

eatin' cheese puffs
like a Wolverine?

Do you want me to leave?

I want that with every
fiber of my being!

Fine, then I'm out of here.

Good!

And thank you for
the doodle crumbs!

Ok, so, as the head of
the contract department,

what I do is

I sit down with all our
corporate officers

and, uh, together we
draw up the various...

I should be listening.

I just can't lock in.

Ok, if I start listening
now, I might get into it.

Documents, now...

Ok, now.

Documents ready.

Now!

Damn it!

You have to do the whole
thing over again.

Now, there's, uh, a green
copy, a pink copy...

I wonder if I could lift
this guy with one arm.

Sorry, uh, I'm done in here.

Hey, how's it comin'
with my toilet?

Oh, I, uh, I... I
sent the guy up.

Around here somewhere.

Uh, listen, if you... If
you can't make it happen,

I'll take my business
elsewhere, ok?

Honey, I... I wanna...

I wanna introduce you to someone important.
Uh-huh, no, no, no.

I understand that,

but I'm... I'm at my wife's
retreat right now, ok?

I don't have time to be...

Whoa. Whoa. This thing's
going crazy, man.

I'm talkin'. She's ringin'.

Doug Heffernan. How are you?

Hi. I have chicken kebabs

and a quart of curry clam soup.

Well, thank you, my good lad.

I'll tell you, you build
up quite an appetite

delivering packages,
which is what I do.

It has been written since
the beginning of time,

even unto these ancient stones,

that evil, supernatural
creatures exist...

You sure your company's
paying for all this?

'Cause if they're not, it's
gonna affect my choices.

Yes, Doug, it's all free.

But just do me a favor.
Try not to eat the door.

Whoa.

Where the hell is
that comin' from?

Where's it coming from?

How about your pathetic
performance down there?

What? What mixer were you at?

Oh, ok, any of these
things ring a bell?

Uh, avoiding eye contact,
faking cell phone calls,

and did I see you running
a floor polisher?

I was moving it
to a safer place.

Do you know who that was

I was trying to
introduce you to?

That was Lou Kaplan, ok?
He's a senior partner.

And you know what I just found out?
His secretary's leaving.

And I want that job, Doug!

But what do you care? Right?
It-it's amazing.

And when you're
with your friends,

you're funny, y-you're
telling stories,

but up here, you're
like a friggin' idiot!

You know what? My friends
are a little more fun

than these guys.

Oh, yes, the documentation
of the document

was very well, um, documented.

Really? Tell me that story
again, from the beginning!

You know what, if that's
not exciting enough,

I can always come
upstairs here and read!

Yeah, oh! A harrowing climb
from base camp to 29,028 feet.

All right, you know what, Doug?

Nobody told you
this was gonna be

the best weekend of your life,

but you're here for me.

Just like when I...
When I went up

to buffalo with you
for sausage fest.

That was a "you" weekend.

But did I shut down?

No, I did not.

I entered and won a very
embarrassing contest.

Why? Because I love you.

And I'm just... just
asking the same from you.

All right. I'm sorry, ok?

I'll... I'll try to
be better tomorrow.

So I said, "are you a judge"

or you just like
wearing the robe?"

That's so true.

Yes, it is. You are one
bad senior partner.

You said you would
try, so jump in.

I did. I talked about the eggs.

You said you got eggs.
That's not enough.

So now, my grandson tells
me he needs a jet ski,

and on top of that, he wants
to turn professional.

Oh, he's talkin'
about jet skiing.

Tell him your water skiing story.
Come on.

This way to Mr. Kaplan.
Speaking of jet skiing,

Doug has a funny story
about water skiing.

Oh, oh, great, just one sec.

So, bottom line, I
tell my daughter

to get him the best
jet ski they make.

I don't care what it costs.

I mean, the kid has
cystic fibrosis.

I just want to see
him happy, you know.

How's the little guy doin'?

Not so good.

So, Doug, you have a
water skiing story?

Oh, man!

What the hell happened here?

Ugh.

What is that smell? Whew.

That may or may not be

the curry clam soup I
spilled on the bed.

How did you spill
soup on their bed?

Well, technically, I
was in their bed.

Well, did you wipe it
up with Doug's uniform?

Technically, I was
in Doug's uniform.

Uh, let me get this straight.

You were in Doug's uniform,
eating soup in their bed?

Those are the tent poles
of the story, yes.

Were you trying to be Doug?

Look, we can stand here
all day and point fingers

or we can work as a team and
get this place cleaned up!

And then, uh, I fall, and, uh,

my bathing suit

literally explodes on impact.

And, uh, I'm just, like, I'm...
I'm floating there, you know,

I'm floatin' there,
it was like, whoa.

Don't float. Hmm?

Don't float.

And, uh, ahem, and then, uh,

uh, seaweed touched me, and it was...
it was gross.

The end.

That's some story.

I tell you, Doug, you
may want to look into

editing that bad boy.

Well, this has been
a super breakfast.

That's the last thing
I'm saying all weekend.

You were just thrown by the fibrosis thing.
Don't give up.

I just want to say
thank you so much

for hosting this whole thing.
It's really great up here.

Oh, yeah. I love it
here in the mountains.

You know, when I was younger,

I used to climb these things.

Oh, yeah. Climbing's great.

Uh, you a climbing guy?

Yeah, yeah, a little bit, yeah.

Nothing like it, is there?

No, there is not.

How high up you been?

Hmm?

What's the highest
elevation you hit?

Uh, oh, uh, 29,028 feet. Yeah.

29,000 feet? That's Everest.

You've climbed mount Everest?

Yes, I did.

Why would you say you
climbed mount Everest?

I don't know!

What were you thinking?

I don't know!

You were pinchin'
me and pokin' me.

He brought up Mountain climbing.

I... I remembered the book.

The book isn't about you!

I know that now!

See, see? This is
why I don't read.

Ok, you know what?
You know what?

You know what, for the
rest of the trip,

you stay in this room,
and you will make

a very brief appearance
at the final dinner, ok?

A lot of lawyers do that
with their alcoholic wives.

It works.

Fine, yeah, I'll
stay in the room.

You know what I'll do?
I'll just watch T.V.

Hey, look what's on. Flowers!

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Oh, oh, all right. Yeah,
no, we can make it.

Ok. We'll see you then.

Bye-bye.

Crap!

What?

That was Mr. Kaplan.

Apparently now he
finds my husband,

the Mountain
climber, delightful.

We're going horseback riding
with him in 15 minutes.

Wh-what? We can't! He'll
grill me about Everest!

I... maybe he won't ask.

Carrie, I scaled the highest
Mountain in the world.

Who wouldn't ask about that?

I'm fascinating.

Oh, you're right.
What are we gonna do?

Here, we've got about 6
and a half minutes. Read.

We need to know where
mount Everest is,

what kind of equipment you need.

Is there any good
Mountain lingo in there?

What's it say? What's it say?

I'm looking! I'm looking!

Hey, this guy lost a big toe.

I'm very screwed.

Yeah, I'll never forget it,

up there on Everest.

It was so cold, you know?

Snow was everywhere.

So much snow

that, like,

schools would be closed
for 2 or 3 days.

I mean if they had
schools up there.

I don't... I didn't see any.
I did see a seesaw.

And when exactly did
you lose the big toe?

Uh, oh, I don't even know.

I just took my boot off,
and, uh, it was gone.

Yes. He still has
trouble balancing.

You know, I envy you, Doug.

I'm tough as nails
in the courtroom,

but I wonder if I could
have held up on that hill.

I think you would have
been pretty great.

Thanks. Means a lot.

Hey, you know,

next weekend, you and Carrie

should come up to our
house in Connecticut.

Do you like hot-air ballooning?

Uh, uh...

We love it!

I would pick up the broken
glass from the crystal swan

before I put the mattress back.

Hey, I think I can handle it.

I would put the other side up.

Stop telling me what to do!

Well, if you put the
mattress soup side down,

it's gonna get moldy.
Any idiot knows that!

You got soup on both
sides and on the wall!

What'd you do, pour
it through a fan?

Look, don't make this a
black-white thing, ok?

You're out of your mind.
I'm goin' home.

You can't go!

Douglas will smack me
around like a pinata.

Good.

I am not going away on
another weekend with him!

Why? I think hot-air
ballooning sounds fun!

No. You told me that
all I had to do

was get through this ride.
That's all I'm doing.

And look how great you're doing.

You're up on that horse.

You're lying like a
son of a bitch... no!

Come on.

If we go away with him, I can
have a lock on that job.

One float in a basket
over Connecticut.

I'll bring chicken.

Ok, you are now
officially insane.

I tried my best here, but now
you've crossed the line.

I'm... I'm done schmoozing.

I'm done lying.
I'm done reading.

I'm done!

Me and whiskers, you know
what, we're out of here.

We're out of here, man.

I don't need any of this.

Yeah, tell me.

Tell me.

Oh, yeah.

I don't need you.

Giddy-up!

I'm, oh, we're outta here.

Yee-yah!

Whoa! Yeah!

Yeah.

Oh, God!

Oh, God! Ok. Ok.

Oh, sweet lord.

So outta here. So outta here.
I don't need you.

So don't need you.

I am outta here. I
am so outta here.

Come on back, whiskers.

We can walk.

We can walk. Yes, we can.

Your shoulder still
hurtin', baby?

It's better that it's
back in the socket.

At least it got us out of
hot-air balloonin', huh?

Yes, honey. You were so great...

Yeah... ow!

Oh, so sorry.

Mama. Yes.

You were really great
this weekend, sweetie.

I know I went a little nuts.

I'll get that job somehow.

You don't have to
worry about it.

You ever think of just
sleeping with the guy?

Yeah, um, actually I talked to
his, uh, current secretary.

Apparently it's a lot of work.

Oh, hi, daddy.

Darling. Douglas.

How was your weekend?

Quite nice, except when your
friend Deacon stopped by.

Why? What happened?

He lurched in here, reeking
of soup and bourbon,

went right up into your bedroom.

I heard some noise,

but I didn't think
it was my place

to go into your
private quarters.

Oh, my God!

Sweet T.V.