The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 4 - Friender Bender - full transcript
The friendship between Doug & Carrie and Deacon & Kelly is seriously tested when Doug smashes Deacon and Kelly's car.
Is that Dan rather's real hair?
Because it looks great.
Doug? Hmm?
I'm wiped. I am going up.
Ok. Good night.
Ow! You shocked me.
Ok, I've been shocked before.
It doesn't hurt that much.
Take her down a notch.
Ow!
What a bastard!
Why'd you do that?
I don't know. For kicks.
Oh, all right. It's on.
Oh, yeah? You wanna bring it?
Come on.
You got nothin'. I got big feet.
What's up? What's up?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh yeah, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Yow!
Good night. Good night.
♪ My back is gettin' tight
♪ 'cause, baby, all my life
Thanks for dinner, Kel'.
Yeah, it was great, baby.
Here, I'll help you, sweetie.
So, Kirby.
Word on the street is
that you're havin'
a birthday next week.
How old you gonna be?
What? 40? 41?
6.
6? Wow!
You know what else I
heard on the street?
That Carrie and I
might be gettin' you
the best birthday gift ever.
What is it?
Ah, I could tell you, but
then I gotta kill you.
You're gonna kill me?
No, no, no.
No, it was just a joke, Kirby.
It was a joke.
Look... look, Spence
will be here any minute.
Why don't you go get
some toys ready
for you guys to play
with tonight, ok?
Ok. All right.
I'm not gonna kill you.
Would you leave it alone?
I will.
I'm just not gonna kill him,
and I want him to know it.
Hey, you guys, um,
Kelly and I were thinking,
instead of going to the movies
like we always do,
how about we go salsa dancing?
What' re you tryin' to prove?
I told you, Kelly!
Let's get goin'. Spence is here.
Hello. Hey.
The baby-sitter's on the clock!
Ka-kung!
The spencinator's here!
Oh, there he is!
Ok, now that the spencinator
has come to our rescue,
let's get going.
Bye, Kirby. Be good.
Hey, car', drive with me
so we can keep talking.
Ok. Bye, you guys.
He's your babysitter?
You couldn't get a hot
16-year-old girl,
like normal people?
No.
Spence and Kirby really
like each other.
Oh, really? That's great.
2 words: Nanny cam.
They still behind us?
Yep.
Our wives have very
different-sized heads.
Carrie, a little small.
Kelly, a little big.
But they pull it off.
See, now, if they
switched heads, see,
that wouldn't work at all.
Yeah.
But if they did switch heads,
who would you go home with?
I think you go with the head.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, you know
what's comin' up?
That strip club.
The coconut tiger.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, it's actually
kind of near my route,
so every afternoon, I go
a little out of my way
to drive by.
See, when the door is open,
you can catch a little
somethin'-somethin'.
Huh. Informative.
Oh, and there it is.
The door is open.
Mmm-hmm.
Whoa. Huh?
What the hell?
Hit best friend's car.
Can't look right at them.
Everybody ok?
Yeah, we're fine.
Nice going, Doug. What happened?
Sorry. It's just I was, uh...
I was, uh, reaching
for a fig Newton,
and I took my eyes off
the road for a second,
a fig Newton? That's all.
You had half a cheesecake
at Deacon and Kelly's
not 15 minutes ago.
Yeah. 15 minutes ago.
It's not so bad.
It's just a busted taillight
and a little dent.
Yeah, you know what?
And our car looks fine.
Don't worry, guys.
We'll pay for the damage.
Yeah, totally.
It's no biggie. It's cool.
What you got there, Kel'?
What is that?
A camera?
Oh, this? My dad always
said to take a...
You know, whenever
there is an accident.
Wow, that came up pretty fast.
What, you got that thing
strapped to your
leg, or something?
Hey, while... while
the camera's out, um,
how about one with me and Doug?
Ok. Here, uh, whoops.
That's hilarious.
Yeah.
Well, if we still want
to make that movie,
we should... We should
just get going.
Yeah. I hate it when we're late.
You don't want to be
late to the movies.
You're late, you never get
to your seat on time.
There's a guy in front of you,
he's wearing a hat, and...
Pfft. I'm tired.
Oh. Oh.
No one's ever beaten
the spencinator,
and they still haven't. Ha!
Spencinator, are you
the strongest man in the world?
Well, the world's a
pretty big place,
but maybe.
I'm hungry.
What do you want to
eat, little man?
Peanut butter and jelly.
Oh, well, ok, I'm sorry.
I can't make that because
I'm allergic to peanuts,
but, uh, how about
a nice grilled cheese
sandwich instead?
What's allergic?
Aller-allergic?
Well, uh, that means that
if... if I so much as touch
a peanut, or peanut butter,
or anything that even has
little bits of peanuts in it,
my body says, "I
don't like this."
And then my throat
gets really small.
My head gets really big.
Let me see.
Well, that's not
gonna happen, pal.
But what's the verdict
on that grilled
cheese sandwich, huh?
Yay or nay?
You're scared of peanuts.
Ok, I'm not scared of
peanuts, I'm just allergic.
You're scared of peanuts. You're
scared of peanuts. No, I'm not.
You're scared of peanuts.
Ok, stop it.
Ahh. Whew.
How great is a booth?
I mean, tables are
fine, but a booth
is like a vacation for your ass.
So, this is nice.
2 nights in one
week with you guys.
Yeah, and tonight, we
didn't even ram you.
Well, there's always
the drive home.
You know, speaking
of ramming us,
uh, we brought the quote
for the work on the car
so you can give it to
your insurance guy.
Oh, good, good, although
we weren't gonna
go through our insurance.
Oh, really?
No, I have so many violations,
if we make another claim,
they might drop us.
But the good news is,
now we have a free pop
at a stranger's car.
Hi, road rage.
Welcome back, old friend.
Wow.
What can I get for you folks?
You happen to have
$1,181 I could borrow?
Sweet mama.
We're gonna need a few minutes.
Sure.
Look, I know it's a little
more than we thought, but, um,
it turns out the bumper
was pretty screwed up,
an-and underneath,
near the axle, see,
there was this other thing.
It's all right there, see?
Signed by Rory.
So, you got this quote
from the dealership, huh?
Uh, yeah. Mmm-hmm.
Just so you know, they always
charge more at the dealership.
You know, you're
paying for the frills,
the coffee and the
doughnuts and whatnot.
It's like, you know what?
I'll bring my own
coffee, thank you.
Just don't charge me up the wazoo.
Exactly. Exactly.
But, you know, whatever.
Well, it's just that
we've used them before,
and they do really
good work, you know?
Uh, you know who else
does a really good job
is our guy over
at I.P.S., Eddie,
and I bet you he'd charge,
like, half of this.
Yeah.
The... the thing is, the
dealership is authorized.
Oh, no, it's cool. It's cool.
I mean, we do drive
on Eddie's work
every day of our lives,
but, you know, if
he's not authorized,
he's not authorized.
Whatever that means.
Yeah, but, the thing is, uh,
our kids ride in that car,
so we really want the
work done right.
Yeah, the kids, right.
That's some precious
cargo right there.
Well, you could always
go through insurance.
Like we said, no can do.
Right.
Right.
So, uh, Eddie, nothin'?
Oh, no. No.
No.
It's all good. It's all good.
Yeah. Yeah. You know what?
We'll just, uh, we'll
just write a check.
Old checky.
R-r-rip.
Oh, you went for the
dolphins on your check.
Oh.
What?
W-well, actually, it's $1,181.
What'd I write?
Oh, you wrote $1,118.
But you know what?
I-it's no big deal.
No, no, no, no. That's
fine, you know.
We'll just write
out another check.
No problem. It's cool.
It's cool.
Hmm.
Think I'm getting onion rings.
Well, that was a
creepy little dinner
we had with our "best friends."
You really learn
something about people
when you plow into their car.
They had to go to
the dealership.
"Our kids ride in that car."
Like all of a sudden she's
"mother of the year."
Meanwhile, she leaves her
kids with Spence. Ok.
And she left 'em with us once.
You know, it's like,
"hello, social services."
And another thing,
we give 'em a $1,200 check,
and when the bill comes,
Deacon, who had a soup,
and a Margarita,
and the sizzling entree,
says, "hey, let's split it."
Split it?
Total gyp!
Here's the deal, honey.
You know, the next time
we go out with them,
I am removing all your limits.
You eat until they
have to cut you out
of the restaurant.
Start fittin' me
for a piano box.
This is so typical.
You remember, a few weeks ago
I lent Kelly that scarf?
She never gave it back.
I mean, it was
ugly, but still...
Whoa, wait a second. Didn't
I give you that scarf?
This isn't about me.
What is up with those 2?
It's unbelievable.
We do them a favor by not
going through insurance,
and they make it out like
we're the bad guys, here?
And did you see that look
on his face when I said:
"Let's split the bill"?
Like we haven't been
on the losing end
of that one for 7 years.
And look at this check.
Dolphins?
Like she gives 2
craps about nature.
Yeah, well, those dolphins
are about to swim
right into our a.T.M. Machine.
That's right. Give it up.
Kirby, I'm not gonna
go through this again
with you tonight.
Oh, ok.
Kirby, it's time to
brush your teeth
and go to bed.
No. I'm eating peanuts,
and you can't stop me.
Ok, come on.
No.
Kirby, hey! That's not...
Kirby, that's not funny.
Kirby, there's peanut dust
in the air now, all right?
Kirb... Kirby, stop.
Kirby, the spencinator
commands you stop.
You're not the spencinator,
you're the scaredinator.
The scare... oh, there
is so no such thing.
Is too. Is not.
Scaredinator.
I'm not the scaredinator.
Eat a peanut.
I can't.
Then you're not the spencinator,
and I don't want you
to come here anymore.
All right.
Kirby,
I'm gonna level with you, ok?
I live a small life.
I work in the subway.
I've been held up at
17 gunpoint times,
and... and twice with a finger.
Ok, I don't have a
lot of friends,
and the ones that I do have,
make sport of my
many deficiencies.
Most prominently, my
unusually wide hips.
So, when you started thinking
that I was a superhero,
you know, it... it
meant a lot to me.
And... and I just...
What I'm trying to say is,
I need to be the spencinator
as badly as you need me
to be the spencinator.
So, let's not let a little thing
like a peanut, ruin that, huh?
You with me, kiddo?
Scaredinator.
Hey, baby.
I'm running a little late, here.
Oh, and f.Y.I., I used your
toothbrush by mistake.
Ooh.
Who you oohing about?
We're married.
Then why'd you say anything?
You must have thought you
did something wrong.
No. I just thought you
had a right to know.
So sorry my mouth repulses you.
Well, it does.
You want some breakfast,
or something?
You know what, I'm just
gonna grab a pop-tart
and eat it in the car.
Ah! Ah! No, no, no.
Last time you ate in the
car, you cost us $1,200.
Also known as half
our bank account.
Remember your little fig Newton?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I got news
for you, Jackson.
You are banned from eating
in any car, ever, for life.
Ok, you know what?
You can't ban me.
I'll just grab another
one and that's...
All right, give...
give me the pop-tart.
No. I'm serious, Doug.
You're done. That's it.
Ok. Here's the thing.
I wasn't actually
reaching for a fig Newton
when we had the accident.
I was... I was trying to get
a look at a strip club,
so let's not blame an
innocent fig Newton.
A strip club? What can you
possibly see from the street?
It just so happens that
I saw a nipple, ok?
Actually, it... it might
have been a light switch
or a thing on a guy's neck,
but I'd like to think
it was a nipple.
So you smashed our car
and mortgaged our future
just to see a light switch
that kind of looked
like a nipple?
Deacon told me to look,
so I looked, ok?
Wait. Wait a minute.
Deacon... Deacon
told you to look?
Pretty much, yeah.
Well, that's an interesting
little tidbit.
How come you didn't
tell me that before?
'Cause I didn't want
a pop-tart before.
What difference does
it make anyway?
It makes a big difference.
It means the accident
wasn't all your fault.
Carrie, I was still driving.
Are you familiar
with the law, Doug?
Only what I've learned
from judge mills Lane.
Well, I happen to be a secretary
at a major law firm,
and d'you know what that means?
Deacon made you look,
so he's at fault, too.
It's called chain of causation,
and it is a legal fact.
Chain of causation.
Huh.
So do you think it's fair
that we pay for the whole thing?
No, I do not, and I will
talk to my friend Deacon
when I get to work.
Now give me the pop-tart
before I eat my own hand.
Hey, man.
Hey. I-I'm a little short here.
You got a quarter on you?
Thanks.
So did you get the
car fixed yet?
Uh, it's in the shop right now.
Ah, great. Great.
I know, it's crazy,
that accident.
El accidente.
Crazy how the whole thing happened.
Isn't it?
I guess.
I mean, there I
am driving along,
eyes on the road, hands
10 and 2, you know,
you tell me to look over
at that strip club,
so I look over, and...
Actually,
it's almost like because
you told me to look over,
you're kind of partially
to blame here.
That's kind of nutty, huh?
I'm not partially to blame.
I never told you to look.
Well, you yelled, "whoa."
Whoa is the same as "hey, look,"
especially when it
comes to boobies.
I didn't yell, "whoa."
I said it to myself.
Nah. No, you said
it like, "whoa!"
It wasn't "whoa!"
It was more like:
Whoa.
Whatever. The point is
the whoa was clearly
to attract my attention.
You're out of your mind, man.
Maybe, but you know what
it sounds like to me?
It sounds like a textbook
case of chain of causation.
Chain of causation.
What is that, a
legal term, Doug?
That's what it is, yeah.
What does it mean?
Well, what it means,
is that you're the
link in the chain
that caused me to take
my eyes off the road.
Chain of causation.
Right.
So what are you gonna do?
Sue me?
Well, I don't think
it'll come to that.
Good.
Because...
I don't, uh, think you would
want Kelly to find out
that you go out of
your way every day
to drive by and look
inside a strip club.
You know my marriage is
still a little shaky,
and you would mess with that
just to collect a few dollars
for an accident that you caused?
Is that what you
want to do, Doug?
Is that how much you
want to hurt me?
No.
Hey, honey.
Hey, so how'd it go with Deacon?
I tried. I got nothin'.
Well, did... did you bring
up the chain of causation?
Yeah. He didn't go for it.
Huh.
Actually, I, um, I talked
to one of the lawyers
at work today,
and it turns out that I, uh,
I got it pretty wrong. Mmm.
Ok, well, we tried.
Damn it.
You know what I bet you
they're doin' right now?
They're sittin' there
with their fixed
car and safe kids,
wearing my scarf,
just laughing at us.
Well, their little
party's about to end.
Hi. Remember that
scarf I lent you?
I'm gonna need it back. Thanks.
Oh, I... I meant to
give that to you.
Ok.
Here. I had it dry-cleaned.
Oh, did you?
That was very sweet. Thank you.
Ok, Kirby.
What's Kirby-ish?
I'm Kirby. I'm turnin' 6.
What do I want?
Here. Get him this.
He'll love it.
Ok. That's a pricing gun.
Well, honey, I don't know.
Just pick something. I
want to get out of here.
Well, we gotta get
him something nice.
I told him we'd get
him something nice.
Well, I'm sorry.
It's hard to pick
out a great gift
for a kid whose parents
bitch-slapped you
out of everything you
have in checking.
Well, we probably shouldn't
take it out on Kirby.
He didn't do anything to us.
He's their evil spawn.
Ok.
You-you're lookin' a lot
like this right now.
That's what I'm
gettin' from you, ok?
I'm gettin' this.
Ok?
All right, look, the point is we...
we hit their car.
All right, and we
paid for the damage.
That's all that really happened.
No. She also dry-cleaned
my scarf against my will.
Look.
I have tickets to the
knick game this Saturday,
and I really want
to go with Deacon.
Actually, Deacon
has the tickets.
I just want to go.
The point is, I... I
just want to be friends
with them again, don't you?
Yeah, I do. I just... I just...
Can't get past this.
I-I-it's like losing all
your money in Atlantic city.
You know it's not their fault,
but you still want to
burn the place down.
Shh. We're not gonna
burn anybody down.
Fine.
I'll let it go.
Or not.
Look what we have here.
I'm glad this whole
accident thing
is behind us!
♪
Love you guys!
What?
Nothin'!
911 operator. What's
your emergency?
My babysitter is sick.
His face is big.
He ate a peanut.
Okay, honey. Is he breathing?
He's scared of peanuts.
I'm sorry.
Did you say, "he's
scared of peanuts"?
I am not!
Can you tell me your address?
I'm almost six.
Because it looks great.
Doug? Hmm?
I'm wiped. I am going up.
Ok. Good night.
Ow! You shocked me.
Ok, I've been shocked before.
It doesn't hurt that much.
Take her down a notch.
Ow!
What a bastard!
Why'd you do that?
I don't know. For kicks.
Oh, all right. It's on.
Oh, yeah? You wanna bring it?
Come on.
You got nothin'. I got big feet.
What's up? What's up?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh yeah, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Yow!
Good night. Good night.
♪ My back is gettin' tight
♪ 'cause, baby, all my life
Thanks for dinner, Kel'.
Yeah, it was great, baby.
Here, I'll help you, sweetie.
So, Kirby.
Word on the street is
that you're havin'
a birthday next week.
How old you gonna be?
What? 40? 41?
6.
6? Wow!
You know what else I
heard on the street?
That Carrie and I
might be gettin' you
the best birthday gift ever.
What is it?
Ah, I could tell you, but
then I gotta kill you.
You're gonna kill me?
No, no, no.
No, it was just a joke, Kirby.
It was a joke.
Look... look, Spence
will be here any minute.
Why don't you go get
some toys ready
for you guys to play
with tonight, ok?
Ok. All right.
I'm not gonna kill you.
Would you leave it alone?
I will.
I'm just not gonna kill him,
and I want him to know it.
Hey, you guys, um,
Kelly and I were thinking,
instead of going to the movies
like we always do,
how about we go salsa dancing?
What' re you tryin' to prove?
I told you, Kelly!
Let's get goin'. Spence is here.
Hello. Hey.
The baby-sitter's on the clock!
Ka-kung!
The spencinator's here!
Oh, there he is!
Ok, now that the spencinator
has come to our rescue,
let's get going.
Bye, Kirby. Be good.
Hey, car', drive with me
so we can keep talking.
Ok. Bye, you guys.
He's your babysitter?
You couldn't get a hot
16-year-old girl,
like normal people?
No.
Spence and Kirby really
like each other.
Oh, really? That's great.
2 words: Nanny cam.
They still behind us?
Yep.
Our wives have very
different-sized heads.
Carrie, a little small.
Kelly, a little big.
But they pull it off.
See, now, if they
switched heads, see,
that wouldn't work at all.
Yeah.
But if they did switch heads,
who would you go home with?
I think you go with the head.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, you know
what's comin' up?
That strip club.
The coconut tiger.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, it's actually
kind of near my route,
so every afternoon, I go
a little out of my way
to drive by.
See, when the door is open,
you can catch a little
somethin'-somethin'.
Huh. Informative.
Oh, and there it is.
The door is open.
Mmm-hmm.
Whoa. Huh?
What the hell?
Hit best friend's car.
Can't look right at them.
Everybody ok?
Yeah, we're fine.
Nice going, Doug. What happened?
Sorry. It's just I was, uh...
I was, uh, reaching
for a fig Newton,
and I took my eyes off
the road for a second,
a fig Newton? That's all.
You had half a cheesecake
at Deacon and Kelly's
not 15 minutes ago.
Yeah. 15 minutes ago.
It's not so bad.
It's just a busted taillight
and a little dent.
Yeah, you know what?
And our car looks fine.
Don't worry, guys.
We'll pay for the damage.
Yeah, totally.
It's no biggie. It's cool.
What you got there, Kel'?
What is that?
A camera?
Oh, this? My dad always
said to take a...
You know, whenever
there is an accident.
Wow, that came up pretty fast.
What, you got that thing
strapped to your
leg, or something?
Hey, while... while
the camera's out, um,
how about one with me and Doug?
Ok. Here, uh, whoops.
That's hilarious.
Yeah.
Well, if we still want
to make that movie,
we should... We should
just get going.
Yeah. I hate it when we're late.
You don't want to be
late to the movies.
You're late, you never get
to your seat on time.
There's a guy in front of you,
he's wearing a hat, and...
Pfft. I'm tired.
Oh. Oh.
No one's ever beaten
the spencinator,
and they still haven't. Ha!
Spencinator, are you
the strongest man in the world?
Well, the world's a
pretty big place,
but maybe.
I'm hungry.
What do you want to
eat, little man?
Peanut butter and jelly.
Oh, well, ok, I'm sorry.
I can't make that because
I'm allergic to peanuts,
but, uh, how about
a nice grilled cheese
sandwich instead?
What's allergic?
Aller-allergic?
Well, uh, that means that
if... if I so much as touch
a peanut, or peanut butter,
or anything that even has
little bits of peanuts in it,
my body says, "I
don't like this."
And then my throat
gets really small.
My head gets really big.
Let me see.
Well, that's not
gonna happen, pal.
But what's the verdict
on that grilled
cheese sandwich, huh?
Yay or nay?
You're scared of peanuts.
Ok, I'm not scared of
peanuts, I'm just allergic.
You're scared of peanuts. You're
scared of peanuts. No, I'm not.
You're scared of peanuts.
Ok, stop it.
Ahh. Whew.
How great is a booth?
I mean, tables are
fine, but a booth
is like a vacation for your ass.
So, this is nice.
2 nights in one
week with you guys.
Yeah, and tonight, we
didn't even ram you.
Well, there's always
the drive home.
You know, speaking
of ramming us,
uh, we brought the quote
for the work on the car
so you can give it to
your insurance guy.
Oh, good, good, although
we weren't gonna
go through our insurance.
Oh, really?
No, I have so many violations,
if we make another claim,
they might drop us.
But the good news is,
now we have a free pop
at a stranger's car.
Hi, road rage.
Welcome back, old friend.
Wow.
What can I get for you folks?
You happen to have
$1,181 I could borrow?
Sweet mama.
We're gonna need a few minutes.
Sure.
Look, I know it's a little
more than we thought, but, um,
it turns out the bumper
was pretty screwed up,
an-and underneath,
near the axle, see,
there was this other thing.
It's all right there, see?
Signed by Rory.
So, you got this quote
from the dealership, huh?
Uh, yeah. Mmm-hmm.
Just so you know, they always
charge more at the dealership.
You know, you're
paying for the frills,
the coffee and the
doughnuts and whatnot.
It's like, you know what?
I'll bring my own
coffee, thank you.
Just don't charge me up the wazoo.
Exactly. Exactly.
But, you know, whatever.
Well, it's just that
we've used them before,
and they do really
good work, you know?
Uh, you know who else
does a really good job
is our guy over
at I.P.S., Eddie,
and I bet you he'd charge,
like, half of this.
Yeah.
The... the thing is, the
dealership is authorized.
Oh, no, it's cool. It's cool.
I mean, we do drive
on Eddie's work
every day of our lives,
but, you know, if
he's not authorized,
he's not authorized.
Whatever that means.
Yeah, but, the thing is, uh,
our kids ride in that car,
so we really want the
work done right.
Yeah, the kids, right.
That's some precious
cargo right there.
Well, you could always
go through insurance.
Like we said, no can do.
Right.
Right.
So, uh, Eddie, nothin'?
Oh, no. No.
No.
It's all good. It's all good.
Yeah. Yeah. You know what?
We'll just, uh, we'll
just write a check.
Old checky.
R-r-rip.
Oh, you went for the
dolphins on your check.
Oh.
What?
W-well, actually, it's $1,181.
What'd I write?
Oh, you wrote $1,118.
But you know what?
I-it's no big deal.
No, no, no, no. That's
fine, you know.
We'll just write
out another check.
No problem. It's cool.
It's cool.
Hmm.
Think I'm getting onion rings.
Well, that was a
creepy little dinner
we had with our "best friends."
You really learn
something about people
when you plow into their car.
They had to go to
the dealership.
"Our kids ride in that car."
Like all of a sudden she's
"mother of the year."
Meanwhile, she leaves her
kids with Spence. Ok.
And she left 'em with us once.
You know, it's like,
"hello, social services."
And another thing,
we give 'em a $1,200 check,
and when the bill comes,
Deacon, who had a soup,
and a Margarita,
and the sizzling entree,
says, "hey, let's split it."
Split it?
Total gyp!
Here's the deal, honey.
You know, the next time
we go out with them,
I am removing all your limits.
You eat until they
have to cut you out
of the restaurant.
Start fittin' me
for a piano box.
This is so typical.
You remember, a few weeks ago
I lent Kelly that scarf?
She never gave it back.
I mean, it was
ugly, but still...
Whoa, wait a second. Didn't
I give you that scarf?
This isn't about me.
What is up with those 2?
It's unbelievable.
We do them a favor by not
going through insurance,
and they make it out like
we're the bad guys, here?
And did you see that look
on his face when I said:
"Let's split the bill"?
Like we haven't been
on the losing end
of that one for 7 years.
And look at this check.
Dolphins?
Like she gives 2
craps about nature.
Yeah, well, those dolphins
are about to swim
right into our a.T.M. Machine.
That's right. Give it up.
Kirby, I'm not gonna
go through this again
with you tonight.
Oh, ok.
Kirby, it's time to
brush your teeth
and go to bed.
No. I'm eating peanuts,
and you can't stop me.
Ok, come on.
No.
Kirby, hey! That's not...
Kirby, that's not funny.
Kirby, there's peanut dust
in the air now, all right?
Kirb... Kirby, stop.
Kirby, the spencinator
commands you stop.
You're not the spencinator,
you're the scaredinator.
The scare... oh, there
is so no such thing.
Is too. Is not.
Scaredinator.
I'm not the scaredinator.
Eat a peanut.
I can't.
Then you're not the spencinator,
and I don't want you
to come here anymore.
All right.
Kirby,
I'm gonna level with you, ok?
I live a small life.
I work in the subway.
I've been held up at
17 gunpoint times,
and... and twice with a finger.
Ok, I don't have a
lot of friends,
and the ones that I do have,
make sport of my
many deficiencies.
Most prominently, my
unusually wide hips.
So, when you started thinking
that I was a superhero,
you know, it... it
meant a lot to me.
And... and I just...
What I'm trying to say is,
I need to be the spencinator
as badly as you need me
to be the spencinator.
So, let's not let a little thing
like a peanut, ruin that, huh?
You with me, kiddo?
Scaredinator.
Hey, baby.
I'm running a little late, here.
Oh, and f.Y.I., I used your
toothbrush by mistake.
Ooh.
Who you oohing about?
We're married.
Then why'd you say anything?
You must have thought you
did something wrong.
No. I just thought you
had a right to know.
So sorry my mouth repulses you.
Well, it does.
You want some breakfast,
or something?
You know what, I'm just
gonna grab a pop-tart
and eat it in the car.
Ah! Ah! No, no, no.
Last time you ate in the
car, you cost us $1,200.
Also known as half
our bank account.
Remember your little fig Newton?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I got news
for you, Jackson.
You are banned from eating
in any car, ever, for life.
Ok, you know what?
You can't ban me.
I'll just grab another
one and that's...
All right, give...
give me the pop-tart.
No. I'm serious, Doug.
You're done. That's it.
Ok. Here's the thing.
I wasn't actually
reaching for a fig Newton
when we had the accident.
I was... I was trying to get
a look at a strip club,
so let's not blame an
innocent fig Newton.
A strip club? What can you
possibly see from the street?
It just so happens that
I saw a nipple, ok?
Actually, it... it might
have been a light switch
or a thing on a guy's neck,
but I'd like to think
it was a nipple.
So you smashed our car
and mortgaged our future
just to see a light switch
that kind of looked
like a nipple?
Deacon told me to look,
so I looked, ok?
Wait. Wait a minute.
Deacon... Deacon
told you to look?
Pretty much, yeah.
Well, that's an interesting
little tidbit.
How come you didn't
tell me that before?
'Cause I didn't want
a pop-tart before.
What difference does
it make anyway?
It makes a big difference.
It means the accident
wasn't all your fault.
Carrie, I was still driving.
Are you familiar
with the law, Doug?
Only what I've learned
from judge mills Lane.
Well, I happen to be a secretary
at a major law firm,
and d'you know what that means?
Deacon made you look,
so he's at fault, too.
It's called chain of causation,
and it is a legal fact.
Chain of causation.
Huh.
So do you think it's fair
that we pay for the whole thing?
No, I do not, and I will
talk to my friend Deacon
when I get to work.
Now give me the pop-tart
before I eat my own hand.
Hey, man.
Hey. I-I'm a little short here.
You got a quarter on you?
Thanks.
So did you get the
car fixed yet?
Uh, it's in the shop right now.
Ah, great. Great.
I know, it's crazy,
that accident.
El accidente.
Crazy how the whole thing happened.
Isn't it?
I guess.
I mean, there I
am driving along,
eyes on the road, hands
10 and 2, you know,
you tell me to look over
at that strip club,
so I look over, and...
Actually,
it's almost like because
you told me to look over,
you're kind of partially
to blame here.
That's kind of nutty, huh?
I'm not partially to blame.
I never told you to look.
Well, you yelled, "whoa."
Whoa is the same as "hey, look,"
especially when it
comes to boobies.
I didn't yell, "whoa."
I said it to myself.
Nah. No, you said
it like, "whoa!"
It wasn't "whoa!"
It was more like:
Whoa.
Whatever. The point is
the whoa was clearly
to attract my attention.
You're out of your mind, man.
Maybe, but you know what
it sounds like to me?
It sounds like a textbook
case of chain of causation.
Chain of causation.
What is that, a
legal term, Doug?
That's what it is, yeah.
What does it mean?
Well, what it means,
is that you're the
link in the chain
that caused me to take
my eyes off the road.
Chain of causation.
Right.
So what are you gonna do?
Sue me?
Well, I don't think
it'll come to that.
Good.
Because...
I don't, uh, think you would
want Kelly to find out
that you go out of
your way every day
to drive by and look
inside a strip club.
You know my marriage is
still a little shaky,
and you would mess with that
just to collect a few dollars
for an accident that you caused?
Is that what you
want to do, Doug?
Is that how much you
want to hurt me?
No.
Hey, honey.
Hey, so how'd it go with Deacon?
I tried. I got nothin'.
Well, did... did you bring
up the chain of causation?
Yeah. He didn't go for it.
Huh.
Actually, I, um, I talked
to one of the lawyers
at work today,
and it turns out that I, uh,
I got it pretty wrong. Mmm.
Ok, well, we tried.
Damn it.
You know what I bet you
they're doin' right now?
They're sittin' there
with their fixed
car and safe kids,
wearing my scarf,
just laughing at us.
Well, their little
party's about to end.
Hi. Remember that
scarf I lent you?
I'm gonna need it back. Thanks.
Oh, I... I meant to
give that to you.
Ok.
Here. I had it dry-cleaned.
Oh, did you?
That was very sweet. Thank you.
Ok, Kirby.
What's Kirby-ish?
I'm Kirby. I'm turnin' 6.
What do I want?
Here. Get him this.
He'll love it.
Ok. That's a pricing gun.
Well, honey, I don't know.
Just pick something. I
want to get out of here.
Well, we gotta get
him something nice.
I told him we'd get
him something nice.
Well, I'm sorry.
It's hard to pick
out a great gift
for a kid whose parents
bitch-slapped you
out of everything you
have in checking.
Well, we probably shouldn't
take it out on Kirby.
He didn't do anything to us.
He's their evil spawn.
Ok.
You-you're lookin' a lot
like this right now.
That's what I'm
gettin' from you, ok?
I'm gettin' this.
Ok?
All right, look, the point is we...
we hit their car.
All right, and we
paid for the damage.
That's all that really happened.
No. She also dry-cleaned
my scarf against my will.
Look.
I have tickets to the
knick game this Saturday,
and I really want
to go with Deacon.
Actually, Deacon
has the tickets.
I just want to go.
The point is, I... I
just want to be friends
with them again, don't you?
Yeah, I do. I just... I just...
Can't get past this.
I-I-it's like losing all
your money in Atlantic city.
You know it's not their fault,
but you still want to
burn the place down.
Shh. We're not gonna
burn anybody down.
Fine.
I'll let it go.
Or not.
Look what we have here.
I'm glad this whole
accident thing
is behind us!
♪
Love you guys!
What?
Nothin'!
911 operator. What's
your emergency?
My babysitter is sick.
His face is big.
He ate a peanut.
Okay, honey. Is he breathing?
He's scared of peanuts.
I'm sorry.
Did you say, "he's
scared of peanuts"?
I am not!
Can you tell me your address?
I'm almost six.