The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 8 - Life Sentence - full transcript

Hmm.

What?

I'm a little parched.

What, you want a beer?

What the hell did
you do over there?

This?

Just a little upgrade
on the night table.

Is that a refrigerator?

I like to refer to it
as a minibar, but, yes.

What do you got in there?

Beer, devil dogs,
leftover Chinese,



cocktail sauce. This...
this is absurd.

Yeah, it's absurd until we're up here
eatin' shrimp without any sauce.

Then not so absurd.

No, I mean the refrigerator.
The whole thing.

You can't do this. It's just...
it's...

It's not done.

Why do you fear change?

Oh, forget it. This is stupid.

I'm going to sleep.

All right. Good night,
miss fridge-less.

It's gone in the morning.

Welcome home from
the hospital, dad.

Yeah, it's really great
to have you back, Arthur.

So, how does it feel to be home?



Delightful.

So, where is everybody?

What?

For my welcome-home
surprise party.

Um, dad, there's
no surprise party.

Then I guess

you won't mind if I
look behind the couch!

You just had heart surgery.

Our first thought wasn't to have
people jump out and scare you.

Uh-huh? Then I guess

you would have no
problem with me going

into the kitchen!

Oh, you're very good.

All right, before you
look under the sink,

we really didn't plan a party.

Then what was all that
stalling at the hospital?

I was gettin' the car

and apologizin' to
your scrub nurse.

So, not even a cake?

I'm sorry.

I claw my way back
from death's door,

and I don't even get a cake?

Pat's bakery. I'm takin' this.

That's stale bread
for the ducks.

It's mine now!

Dad, breakfast!

No, thank you!

I made you egg whites,
like they said.

What's the point
without the yellow?

That's the actual baby chicken.

Why does he do that?

You gotta eat.

Want me to bring
you down a tray?

No! Don't you come down here!

Something's wrong.

Dad?

Dad.

I'm in the bathroom.

What are you doin' in there?

Be vague.

I was stepping from the shower,

and I started
feeling a bit woozy

from my new medication.

Long story short,

I'm currently wedged between
the sink and the toilet.

Oh, my God. Well, let us help.

Doug, go help.

No. He just got out
of the shower.

That means everything's wet and

dangling.

Just pretend you're in the
locker room at the gym, ok?

You told me you check out
the old guys anyway.

I will never open
up to you again.

Perhaps you two would
like to argue further

as my feet go numb!

Ok, fine! God, I'll...

Comin' in, Arthur. Oh, God.

Oh, boy.

God.

Douglas, this may go faster

if you uncover your eyes.

Ok. Oh, God!

Come on! Just lift me here.

No, I'm not gonna
lift you there.

How about here?

I'd rather do the first one.

Just lift me somewhere,
you homophobe!

Doug, help him!

Ok!

Oh, gosh. All right. Oh, man.

Ok.

Ok, he's good.

Now boil me.

I am not moving up
to the guest room.

Dad, you just had surgery.
You're on new medication.

I think I need to
keep an eye on you.

Keep an eye on me?

No, thank you, senator McCarthy!

Doug, tell him he has to
move upstairs near us.

I can't do that.

I am not moving.

And if you force me,

I will wear only
underwear to dinner!

Well, if he's not wearin'
pants, I'm not wearin' pants.

Why does he have to
be so difficult?

I wish I still smoked, because I could
really use a cigarette right now.

Don't stress out, all right? He
doesn't need to move upstairs.

Doug, you saw him. He
just spent 3 hours

wedged under a toilet tank.

That was a complete fluke.

If we dropped your father on the
bathroom floor a thousand times,

he would never land
that way again.

All right, you know what?
Either hop on board

and help me to get him
to move upstairs,

or think of another way I
can make sure he's safe.

Ok, don't laugh.

Cowbell.

So? Did you hook it up?

Yeah. I wired it
through the cable.

Channel 3 on every T.V.
In the house.

Great idea I had about puttin'
the baby cam in, huh?

Come on, give me some props.

You never gave the
cowbell a chance.

Come on, this is great.

A couple of times a
day we flick it on,

we check in on him.
He never has to know.

So, how'd you get the
camera in his room

without him seeing you?

I lured him outside
with peanuts.

What?

I put a bag of peanuts
in the backyard.

He went out and ate 'em.
Like a squirrel.

Look, he's still eating them.

Oh, you really made
his day, honey.

All right, I feel
better already.

Thank you so much.

What's the matter?

Nothin'. I'm just
dealing with the horror

of having to see his face

on the thing I love most.

Oh, come on. That's done.

Next thing. Keep
Monday night open.

I have our insurance
guy comin' over.

Monday night, that's football.
I have company comin' over.

Company?

That's right. I can call
my friends "company."

Yeah, well, tell your
company they can get drunk

and thumb-wrestle without you.

Why do we gotta meet with
the insurance man, anyway?

Because, honey,

this whole thing with my dad
getting sick got me thinking.

I mean, all kinds of bad
stuff can happen to us,

and we're not prepared.

I mean, we don't even
have any life insurance.

Yeah, we do. No, we don't.

Uh, yeah, we do. I got it when I signed
up for that sears card, remember?

I checked that box.

That's for $2,500!
That's not enough.

Well, I see someone's
plannin' to live

pretty high on the
hog when I'm dead.

Come on, we're getting
more insurance.

We need to start
planning for our future.

I have plans for our future.

Besides owning a robot.

Fine. Now I'm gonna program
him not to love you.

Oh.

45 to 3. It's a blowout.

Now we gotta hope someone breaks
their leg and they keep showin' it.

Man, Doug picked a
good game to miss.

Anything else on?

Uh, let's see.

♪

Mannequin 2.

TV guide channel

what in the Sam hill?

Oh, that's my baby cam.

Doug and Carrie borrowed it
to keep an eye on Arthur.

He doesn't know he's on TV?

Nope.

All right, come on,
keep flippin'.

Oh, ok. Um, oh, wait.
What's he doin'?

Look's like he's
takin' some clothes

out of the dryer.

Huh!

So, of course if Doug were
to die suddenly, Carrie,

you would receive the maximum
payout of this policy.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

But if Doug were to, say,

sustain a massive head
injury, which he survives,

the good news is

this policy would cover
his hospital stay,

his physical therapy,
and any life support.

That is good news.

Look at this.

He's puttin' his underwear
in the bottom drawer.

Who does that?

Underwear's top drawer.
Am I right?

Where I come from.

Uh, whoa, wait. He's
going back to the dryer?

Yeah, he put in another load.

He... when?

When you were peeing.

What? Why don't you tell
me these things? Oh, man.

Uh-oh. Look, look.

He left a sock in the dryer.

Fasten your seat
belts, gentlemen.

Ok, he'll see it, he'll see it.

I don't think so, man.

It's right there, hangin'
out of the dryer.

He doesn't see it.
He's confused.

Oh, God!

It's right there. Damn it!
Turn around!

It's 2 feet from your head, guy!

No!

He threw it in the garbage.

This... this is terrible.

Ok, I think that the
term life policy

offered by Western
mutual is best for you.

So why don't we
roll up our sleeves

and get to the nitty-gritty?

Ok. Do you own this house
and you pay a mortgage?

Yes.

And, Carrie, if Doug
were to pass away,

you would stay here, and
your father, Arthur,

would continue to
live here with you?

Yes. Definitely.

And if you were to pass away,

would your father continue
to live here with Doug?

Oh, of course.

Great.

Let's move on to some
payment options.

People, a lot of people
like to pay it annually,

take the medicine
in one spoonful.

Or we can break it down for you.

You could pay
semiannually, quarterly,

some people play monthly.

Of course, I wouldn't
suggest weekly.

52 envelopes.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Hey. How you doin'?

You ok? I'm fine.

Hey, how about that insurance
guy last night, huh?

He's kinda wild, huh?

What do you mean?

Nothin'. Just, uh, they don't
paint a pretty picture.

I'm gettin' whacked in the head,
you're gettin' hit by a bus.

Arthur's here, he's
livin' with you,

livin' with me. It's crazy.
It's crazy.

Yeah. Dad! Breakfast!

Be right up!

Well, I gotta go
to work, anyway.

Hey, tomorrow morning? Bagels?

I'll bring 'em.

Crap. I gotta get outta here.

Honey, make sure he eats
and takes his pill, ok?

And do me a favor.
Drop him off at the y

for his art class on
your way to work?

All right? Hey, dad.
It's on the table.

All right. I'll see
you guys tonight.

Love you. Bye, daddy.

Bye, Princess.

It's just you and
me, huh, Douglas?

Yeah, just you and me.

Hey! Howdy do! Welcome home.

I talk to you for a sec?

Yeah. What's up?

I was just, uh, thinkin'
about our future,

you know, like we discussed
with the insurance guy.

Especially that thing
where if you die,

but Arthur and I, uh...
We don't?

And that thing of him
staying here with me?

That's a good option. Definitely.
Definitely a good one.

But I guess this is the question

I would put to you, Carrie.

Is it the best?

So, w-what are you
saying here, Doug?

That you don't want to take
care of my father if I die?

Is that what you're saying?

I'm just saying you
sprung this on me,

and now all of a
sudden, it's decided.

I just think we should have a
good, open conversation about it.

Ok. We're now having
an open conversation.

Do you want to take care
of my father if I die?

Not really.

I can't believe this!

So you're just fine with
2 orderlies showing up

and dragging him away
in the dead of night?

Look, how many
orderlies there'll be

and what time of
night they get here,

that's all up for debate.

Wow! That's just... Wow!

I mean, I don't... I don't even
know what to say here, Doug.

I mean, this is my father's home.
I...

I thought we were all family.

I'm sorry, Carrie,

but you're actin' like
it's totally normal

for a guy to keep living with his
father-in-law if his wife dies.

I mean, it's till
death do us part,

which I always took to
mean if there's a death,

we all part.

So this is how you really feel?

Not me. It's in the vows.

Ok, let me ask you this.

If, um, I had a dog
when we got married

and we lived with this dog,

um, if I died,

would you... would you
send the dog away,

or would you keep it,
take care of it?

Because this is the dog's home.

What kind of dog?

Forget it. Forget it.

Who you callin'?

Don't worry about it.

Bill gilliard, please.

Oh, come on. Why are
you callin' him?

Because he's comin'
over tomorrow night

so we can sign the policy.

If you're not gonna
take care of my father,

he has to change the coverage.

Yes, I'll hold.

Hang up.

Why?

I'll take care of your
father if you die.

But I'm renaming him Rusty.

Dad, the insurance man's here.

We're comin'.

Hello. Welcome. Good evening.

What's with the jacket and tie?

You asked me to witness
the signing of documents.

I take that responsibility
very seriously.

Arthur Spooner.
Pleased to meet you.

Bill gilliard.

Would you like a cocktail?

I make a mean Irish coffee.

No, thank you.

I got whipped cream.

Guy said no.

Ok. Just let me get set up here.

First, we'll do the
primary policy agreement.

Carrie, I'm gonna need
you to sign here.

Oh. Ok.

And, Doug, right next to her.

Ok.

And now, as a witness, Mr.
Spooner,

you sign there.

Let me just look this over.

Let's see,

"from the office of Mr.
William e. Gilliard,

"tri-borough life
insurance agency,

"816 queens boulevard

queens, New York."

Dad, all you have
to do is sign it.

I'm not signing anything
without reading it first.

"1-1-3-7-5, November the 12th"

ok, you know what? I-I'd like to get goin'.
Can I sign all my stuff now?

No. Could you just stay
so we could do it right?

What, you got somewhere
else you gotta be?

I got company coming over.

All right, you know what? Stop
calling your friends company.

They're 3 losers with nothing
else to do on a Friday night.

They'll wait 10 minutes.

Well, everything seems
to be in order here.

Where do I sign?

Right there.

I'll need to notarize this,

so I'll need both your
driver's licenses.

Oh. Could you grab
mine out of my purse?

Just to, uh, double-check.

The disfigurement
thing is in here?

Uh, yeah. It's on page 7.

What the hell is this?
You're smokin' again?

Oh, no! She didn't!

No, no. You know what?

I was holding those
for a friend.

Oh, come on, Carrie,
this is your brand.

You're smokin' again.

Are you a smoker, Carrie? 'Cause
that will raise your rates.

No, no, no. Some people at
work, they dared me to smoke.

It was peer pressure.

I can't believe this.

You have the gall...
Yeah, that's right, gall

to ask me to look after
your father if you die,

and you start smoking?

They're ultra lights!

Oh, please!

All right, you know what?
Give me a break.

I... I'm... I'm under
a lot of stress.

So I had a couple of cigarettes.
Big deal.

I know... I know what you're tryin' to do.
You're tryin' to die first.

What? That's right.

You're tryin' to die before me
so I get stuck with Arthur.

But you know what? You
can't out-die me.

Hell, I could drop tomorrow.

All right, stop
acting like an idiot.

Oh, no, no, sister.
The race is on.

Let's see what we got.

Look at this! Whipped cream!

Oh! 16 grams of fat per serving.

Bring it on.

All right, knock it off.

Uh-uh. No way!

Should I go?

All right, you know what? You
want to act like a jackass?

Fine. You know what?
Then I'm smokin'.

Smoke away! Yeah, that's right.
Fine.

Yeah, 'cause I love it!

Oh, whipped cream,
come and find me!

Yeah, have a heart attack!
All right,

all right, all right.
Stop it! Stop it!

A week ago, I was
in the hospital,

and I didn't know if my next
breath would be my last.

The happiest day of my life

was when I walked back
in here with you 2 kids.

Hey, do you think he...

But now,

I hear you're just worried about

who's gonna get stuck with me.

That hurts!

Makes me feel like

I should never have gotten
off that operating table.

You're right, dad. I'm...

I'm sorry.

Yeah, uh, m-me, too, Arthur.

We're really glad
you're home, dad.

We love you.

And I love you kids, too.

Bill.

I think we'll sign
that policy now.

That was the best one ever.

So, uh, what'd you think, Deac?

It was good.

I'm just glad they finally
added a black guy.