The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 23 - Eddie Money - full transcript

Ok, that's a new one.

Uh, what's happening on
the table, old-man-wise?

His back is killing him.

Lying on a hard surface
seems to help.

I'll tell you the
thing that scares me:

I can't see the pepper shaker.

What are you doing?

Just grabbing 100 bucks.

What do you need 100 bucks for?

Well, for your information,

I was going to buy you a gift.



Really? What?

A Ruby.

If you're going to lie to me,

you might want to take 5
minutes and get a game plan.

There's a pool at work
on the fight tonight.

Deacon and I are going
to buy a box together.

You're going to gamble
with the money.

Hey! Life's a gamble, huh?

I believe you took
a gamble on me,

and things turned out pretty well.
High jackpot!

Ok, you want to chug a beer
before I slap a no on you?

Hey, I earn more than half
the money in this house.

I think I should have some
say in how it's spent!

Aah! God!



You can't throw 100
bucks away on a fight!

We need a lot of
things around here.

My dad needs a new bed,

the... the roof is totally
leaking in the attic,

so the money, honey,
goes back in the can.

Here.

This should keep you busy.

Carrie.

There's no mineral water
in my mini fridge.

And this morning, my bagel
was as hard as a rock.

Your thoughts?

Um, I'm sorry?

Well, sorry, doesn't
soften my bagel, does it?

No, it does not.
I'll tell you what,

tomorrow, bagel softness
will be my top priority.

Good, Carrie, because
you're better than this.

Thanks.

Mr. Pruzan's office.

Um, yes, actually he is.

Ok. I'll tell him.

Uh, Mr. Kaplan, uh,
that was Margie.

She wanted me to tell you
that she couldn't get

you and the clients in for
dinner at Bella Luna,

so she booked you in the restaurant
downstairs for 4 at 7:30.

Oh, beaver dam!

Bella Luna's the only place
you can hear yourself talk.

You know what?

Let me try something.

That place downstairs,

the waiters are always singing

Happy Birthday to some idiot.

Hi. Bella Luna?

Yes, hi. I'm calling for Mr.
Kaplan.

Yeah, he needs to change his
reservation from 7 to 7:30.

What do you mean,
you don't have it?

Well. Well, is there
any way you can say

it was the restaurant's fault?

I'd hate to lose my job.
I just...

I just, um, relocated
here with my 2 kids.

Brandon is 6 and Ty is 2.

And I promised them new shoes.

Really?

Ok. Tha-thank you so much. Ok.

You're all set.

Well, that was some
pretty impressive lying.

Mmm, well, you work for
lawyers long enough.

It's charming!

You know, actually,
Margie's leaving the firm.

She's going into the
party balloon game.

How'd you like to
come to work for me?

Oh, my God, Mr. Kaplan, I would...
I would love to work for you,

but I... I kind of work for Mr.
Pruzan.

Well, you could work for
the head of the firm,

or the guy who's 47
people below me.

Your call.

Here comes soscio,
looking strong.

This is it, man.
This is our round!

Soscio knocks him out here,

we win 5 grand!

And soscio tanks him
with a right hook!

Come on, baby! Make us rich!

Would you shut up?

Carrie doesn't know I took
the money to make the bet!

Then why didn't we
watch it at my place?

Because I have real food here.

All you ever have is fruit.

No way I'm watching boxing
while eating a nectarine.

Soscio delivers a strong
right hook to the jaw!

Mercer is down!

Hey, guys.

Hey, hon.

I'm going to go catch
a spinning class.

All right.

He's not getting up!

Looks like this one is over!

All right. Love you.

Yeah, love you, too

well! Maybe I shouldn't
go to a spinning class.

Wait for it.

Wait for it!

We just won 5 grand!

Yeah!

5 g's! 5 g's! Dougie
just got 5 g's!

I got to stop. I got a cramp.

How great is this, man?

I already know my
first purchase,

a George foreman grill,

but I'm getting it
totally customized!

With lojack, in case
it gets stolen!

I'm getting a d.V.D. Player,

kiss-ass surround
sound, and a horse!

Yeah! I'm getting a horse, too!
Check that! I want a zebra!

And a lion to hunt
it down and eat it!

Whoo!

Wait a second. I just
realized something.

What?

I can't get anything
with the money!

Carrie will know I... I took it.

She'll kill me!

She's not going to get mad when
you tell her you won $2,500.

Oh, she'll get mad, and bonus.

I can kiss that money good-bye.

She'll be fixing the roof,
getting Arthur a new bed...

She's selfish like that.

Oh, God.

I can't get anything either.

Why not? I'm in the
middle of a divorce.

I buy anything new, and Kelly will
show up at my place with a u-haul.

Damn it!

Damn it!

All right.

We just won $5,000.

There's got to be
an upside to this.

Ooh, you know what
I'm going to do?

My mom's birthday's coming up,

and she's always wanted
to go on a cruise.

I think I'm going to
get that for her.

Or... or... or... And
hear me out on this,

what if we take the money

and just turn tomorrow
into the best day ever?

We do whatever we want to do,

we eat whatever we want to eat,

we go wherever we want to go,

we eat whatever we want to eat.

I got that one.

The point is,

we just blow the
money in one day,

with nothing to show for it

except the smiles on our faces.

That's pretty
tempting, but I think

I should get my mom that cruise.

Come on, man! It's a
nice thing to do.

Yeah, it's nice. You're nice.

You're too nice.
That's the problem!

Come on, man! We're
blue-collar guys.

We go to work, we...
we pay our bills,

we're always doing
the right thing.

When's it our time, Deacon, huh?

Come on, man. Take a leap!

Let tomorrow be the day we drink

a tall glass of freedom.

Well, can it be Wednesday?

'Cause I've got an eye
doctor appointment tomorrow.

I can roll with that.

Money in the house.

Look at it, man. It's beautiful.

You wanna sew it all together,
make underwear out of it?

We're gonna need like
$10,000 for that.

All right.

It's 8:00 A.M. now, Carrie
gets home at 7:00 P.M.

That gives us 14 hours.

No, that gives us 11 hours.

Good catch, guy, good catch.

Ok. Wanna start with
a little breakfast?

Bet these lobsters thought they were
going to live at least until lunch, huh?

Oh, man! This steak is great!

Buy another one! In fact,
get a whole bunch!

We'll see if we can
rebuild the cow!

Hey, hey! After this, you
want to rent a news chopper

and do phony traffic reports?

Or we could hire people
to just tickle us!

Hey, could you back us up
on the shrimp cocktail?

You got it. Thanks,
and, uh, here.

Go buy yourself
something pretty.

Got a question for you.

How much would it cost to,
uh, to have will Smith

and tyne daly make
out in front of us?

Um, not sure.

How about Eddie money? He'd
play in my living room?

Don't know. Oh, but
you could ask him.

He's here all the time.

How about pesci? What will he
charge to smack us around?

Oh, I think he'd smack
you around for free.

Oh! Beautiful!

That's worth another Jackson.

Here you go!

♪

♪ Won't you

How great is this!

Oh, this is off the hook!

How much we got left? Uh,

$4,400.

We've only spent 600 bucks?

The day's half over.
We got to get moving!

I know! Time to
kick it up a notch.

All right.

Hey, what's up, ladies?
You like the wheels?

I had this baby custom-made.

Easy, player. It says "for
rent" on the license plate.

♪

Hey, Carrie.

Hi, Mr. Pruzan.

By the way,

you reserved me on court 2.

I wanted court 3
with the glass wall.

I have pretty nice calves,

and I don't mind
showing them off.

I quit.

Come again?

Yeah, another opportunity...

Wait. Is this about that
bagel business yesterday?

Well, it's just...

I'm very sorry about that.

No matter how hard
that bagel was,

and it was shockingly hard,

it doesn't excuse my behavior.

No, it's just that Mr.
Kaplan offered me a job.

Well!

I hope you enjoyed climbing
up my back to the top.

Ok. You know what?
Don't get upset.

Upset! No! I'm totally
ok with this.

Believe it or not, my life doesn't
revolve around Carrie Heffernan.

Tell me what I did.

Nothing. It's just, you know, this is a
good opportunity for me. That's all.

I see.

So will you get me
my hot dog today?

Or is that one of the
reasons you despise me?

♪

Oh, crap! That's Carrie!

She saw me! She didn't see you.

I am so dead!

I... I got to come clean before
Carrie nails me on this!

If... if you don't mind,

I'd like to blame
most of this on you.

You are not dropping out.
You talked me into this.

Now I don't have enough money to get
my mom a cruise, so suck it up!

What if she saw me?

You know what? You are just
one sorry piece of woman.

If you're so worried, just... just
give Carrie a call. Feel her out.

Yeah. You know what? I'll...
I'll do that.

Mr. Pruzan's office.

Hey, car. It's me, just...

Just at work.

Hang on a second. Hey, Chuck!

Lift with your legs, man!

Look, I'm really
busy right now, ok?

I'll talk to you when
I get home, Doug.

Oh, my God!

What happened?

I couldn't get a read.
She hung up too fast.

But she sounded kind of mad.

She always sounds kind of mad.

Hey, Arthur. What's...
what's going on?

Let's see, you're
home on a work day,

there's a red Ferrari
in the driveway,

and there's a pile of
cash on the table.

I don't know what's going
on, but I want in!

Why do I always
get the fat ones?

Oh, great. Another old guy.

Oh! I got me a cocoa dream boat!

Ooh!

Oh, this sure beats
the bejesus out of

lying on the dining room table.

Oh, be careful of
the cyst there.

She could blow.

Arthur, is there any way
that you could not talk?

Well, excuse me for
enjoying a nice rubdown.

Ohhh!

Ohhh! You certainly know
how to work a buttocks.

Oh! Could you do something
about the old man?

Carrie saw me. I know she did.

If you have a problem with me,
Palmer, say it to my face!

I got a problem with you.

Any time you want to
dance, big man, I'm ready!

She called me Doug.

Why are you still on this?

People don't use people's
names, unless they're mad.

I know I'm Doug. She
knows I'm Doug.

Why say Doug? I want a steak.

Shut it, uppie!

She doesn't know.

If you want to keep it that way,

you better think a little
more about keeping me happy.

Oh, this is marvelous!

Nothing like steak and
a hot cup of coffee.

I know we need to get
rid of a lot of money,

but I got meat hitting other
meat right about here.

I'll just leave this here.

Whenever you're ready.

Thank you. Ok.

$310? That's it?

We just cannot get
rid of this money!

Arthur, you want anything else?

A round of king crab claws?
A Brandy?

No, thanks, but on the way home,

I'd love to stop by for a
small cone at dairy queen.

Great. That's 85 cents.

That's the big one. I
don't want the big one.

Would you stop talking? Ok?

We've got to spend this money,
get this day over with.

What do you want to do?

I...

Hey, look who just walked in.

♪ She was shakin'

♪ whoa

♪ snappin' her fingers

♪ whoa

♪ she was

♪ shakin'

who is this man?

It's Eddie money.

I once knew a Lou money.

That's great.

I'm going to have
to wrap this up.

Carrie's getting home
in less than an hour.

That was... that
was great, guys.

♪ She was shakin'

all righty.

♪ Snappin' her fingers

well, hello, Carrie.

Oh! Hi, Mr. Kaplan.

Um, I just want to say I'm excited
about coming to work for you.

Oh, about that.

Marjorie's balloon
business didn't pan out.

It turns out she's
allergic to helium,

so until they discover another
gas that's lighter than air,

she'll be staying put.

Sorry, kiddo.

Isn't this your floor?

Sure is.

Um, Mr. Pruzan.

I heard.

♪ Save a little room

♪ in your heart for me

hey, where are you going?
I'm leaving.

The man refused to play
any of my requests.

He didn't know them!

Please! Everyone knows
little brown jug!

Oh, no. He's going
for the sax again.

His last solo was,
like, 10 minutes.

♪ Hey, Eddie. Ed...
ed, Mr. money.

Hey, Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!

Yo. Sorry, man.

Look, you guys, y-you
guys sound great.

You, too, Tommy. You're wonderful.
The thing is,

my wife is coming home and...

Long story short,

I just... I need you guys to go.

So here's your money. Hey!

Money for money, huh?

I don't follow.

Ok, well, here you go anyway.
There you go.

Thanks for coming.

You guys drive safe now, ok?

♪ Yeah!

♪ Shakin' yeah!

♪ Snapping' her fingers

thank God it's over!

Super day. A lot of fun.

Let's just check this place,

make sure there's no
evidence lying around.

Everything looks cool.

I gave the rest of the
cash to Eddie money,

and... Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I never
replaced the $100!

What?

The money I took in
the first place!

I... I was going to put it back in there.
Now, but...

I gave it all to him!

Lend me 100 bucks! No way!

Come on, man! Carrie
will kill me!

I'm taking the
money I have left,

and I'm buying
something for my mom.

What's the point now?
She wanted a cruise.

Anything less will
be a total letdown.

You know what? I'd flush
this cash down the toilet

before I gave it to you.

You know, I, uh,

I could just take it from you.

Uh-huh.

That is certainly something
I'd like to see.

What's the delay?

Didn't think so.

Ahhh!

Arthur! Arthur! Do
you have any cash?

No.

Oh, God, I need 100 bucks!

Well, I've got something
worth nearly that,

a pair of ice skates actually worn by Mr.
dick button.

Oh, damn key!

God!

Oh, God!

Hey! Hey, Doug.

So get this.

I leave Pruzan to go to work for Mr.
Kaplan,

but then it turns out Mr.
Kaplan doesn't need me,

so then I have to
go back to Pruzan.

It was unbelievable.

So how was your day?

Oh, same old, same
old, you know?

Ding-dong, here's your box.

You know, I saw a guy
in a Ferrari today.

Looked a lot like you.

Yeah, well, I thought
I saw you, too,

but it was a skinny,
Chinese guy.

What a world, huh?

Oh!

Splinter!

Department of motor vehicles?

What?