The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 24 - Two Thirty - full transcript

Doug?

Hey, you. What are
you doin' here?

Oh, I was just doin' a little shopping.
What are you doin'?

Just out getting some new
batteries for the remote.

Oh, were they dead?

No, but you don't want to be
caught with your pants down.

Oh, well, great.

It's funny. I never run into you
out in the world like this.

I know. I know.

You look good.

Thank you.



So do you.

Well, I'll see you.

All right. Take it easy.

410s.

Whoa. Not so fast. What?

Nothin', you were just
doing that pretty fast.

Ok, gentlemen.

The game is San
Diego Scooby doo.

Yes.

All right. Here we go.

1, 1, 1, 1, 1.

2, 2, 2, 2, 2.

3, 3, 3...

So how are the kids?



Uh, they're great.

Thinking of starting
Kirby on piano lessons.

Piano? I hear good things.

Hmm.

5...

All right. Let's
bring it home here.

5, 5, 5, 5, and 6, 6, 6.

All right. Let's
play some cards.

All right. I'll open. $2.

Outtie.

I'm out.

Aw, God.

What's the matter?

Oh, this tooth back here
is just killin' me.

Chew on the other side.

Nah, the other side's
been closed since August.

Look, I gave you my dentist's number.
Why don't you just go?

What are you, my mother?
I don't need a dentist.

You can't chew on either
side of your mouth.

It's all right. I
got it covered.

I'll go right down the
middle like a bunny rabbit.

Anyway.

I'll raise it $3.

Oh, goodbye.

And then there were 2.

I'll see your $3

and raise you $5.

You don't want to do that.

Oh, indeed I do.

Arthur, look what I have on board.
I got 3 wild cards.

Just save your money and go out.

Oh, someone's too
eager for me to fold.

Let's make that raise a $100.

I gotta go light, but I
assure you I'm good for it.

Arthur, you can't raise me $100.

The maximum raise is $5.

Ooh, is the little baby scared?

You know what? Here.

I'll call your $100,
and, boom, 5 kings.

This is humbling.

Night, man. Thanks for the game.

All right. I'll
see you tomorrow.

Kudos, sir, on a
well-played game of poker.

Uh, thanks.

So here's the thing vis-a-vis
the $100 I owe you.

I don't have that kind of money,

and I expect I never will.

Yeah, you know what? I kinda
figured I wasn't gonna see it.

How dare you? I honor my debts!

You just told me you
didn't have any money.

Well, I was hoping
we might be able

to make some sort of
alternate arrangement.

Ok. Like what?

Maybe instead of paying,

I could do some kind of good-natured
stunt, like eat a bug, for example,

or parade naked through
a major public event.

What else you got?

Ok, you said you wanted
your son to learn piano.

Let's say I give him 10
lessons, and we're even.

I didn't know you
were a pianist.

What's so funny?

Sorry,

but the word "pianist"
always tickles me.

Seriously, I played with the u.S.O.
For years

until I took one too many liberties
with the Andrews sisters.

You know what? What the hell.
Let's give it a try.

Marvelous! Bring the lad
by on Saturday at 2:00.

All right. Cool. See
you then, Arthur.

Darling, 2 questions.

1: Do you know how
to play the piano?

And 2: Can you teach
me very quickly?

No to both.

Damn!

Hey, what happened?

I thought you were gonna
clean up after the game?

I know.

So what are you doing? You
psyching yourself up?

My tooth hurts again.

All right, you know what? I
don't want to hear about it.

Little hint:

When you're married to someone,

sometimes it's nice to
be a little sympathetic.

Well, Doug, I am sorry.
It's hard to be sympathetic

when you're acting
like an idiot!

Much better.

I told you to go to
the dentist 50 times.

Once again, my dentist
died 6 years ago.

Just because your dentist dies

doesn't mean you're free from
ever going to one again.

Can't a guy take
some time to grieve?

Ok, let me bottom line
this for you, ok?

If you lose your teeth, the
beautiful thing we have together?

It's over.

All right. Deacon's got a guy.
I'll go to him.

Thank you.

♪

Excuse me. Did that sound
anything like chariots of fire?

So, you work with Deacon, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

Great guy.

You know, I switched him over
to the tape floss last time.

How's that workin' out for him?

Uh, not sure.

He's... he's kind of
a private person.

Aah. What's that? Whoa.

Once again, this is
just a little mirror.

Ok, but that pointy thing's
not coming back, is it?

Well, I could tell you
no, but I'd be lying.

Ok, just relax, Doug.

You're in good hands.

Hey, do you know who
was in this chair

not 2 hours ago?

Who?

Stephen Baldwin.

Who?

He's one of the
Baldwin brothers.

Which one?

Stephen.

Oh, yeah.

Ok, it looks like you have
very advanced abscesses

in 2 of your pre-molars,

and substantial inflammation
in the surrounding area.

All right, well, what I'm gettin'
is "lay off the sweets."

Got it.

Actually, I'm afraid you're gonna
need a couple of root canals.

It's gonna take 4 sessions.

I'm gonna level with you.

I'm devastated.

I know. It's no picnic,

but I will try to make it
as comfortable as possible.

All right. Thanks.

Now, we're going to have to make
an impression of your mouth.

Oh, oh, I've got a
little treat for you.

Robin, bring in Stephen Baldwin's
mold for Doug to look at.

Open wide.

All right, now, bite down.

Breathe through your nose.

Just breathe through your nose.

Don't panic.

Doug?

I'm in the waiting room when
you're done, honey, ok?

Dr. farber?

Carrie? Well, hi!

Saw the name on the door,
but I didn't connect it.

Wait a minute, is
this your wife?

Come here, you!

Oh, hi!

Doug, Dr. farber and his family

used to live up the street
from me when I was a kid.

I used to baby-sit for his son.
How's your family?

Oh, Mary and I split
up a while back.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no! Believe me,
it was for the best.

How's Elliott?

Oh, he's in college now.

Uh, very interested in dance.

Oh, yeah. That makes sense.
Yeah.

Well, looks like your
practice is going well, huh?

Hey, well, as long as people let their
teeth go to hell like this guy,

I make a nice living.

Well, it's good
to see you again.

You, too! You, too.

I can't believe Dr.
farber is your dentist.

That is so funny.

Well, was he known
to be a good one?

'Cause he's about to
drill into my face.

Yes. Very good.

You know, when I was 16, I
had such a crush on him.

You know what I used to do
after I put his kid to bed?

I would put on one of his shirts
and wear it around the house.

Smelled like mennen speed stick.

Wow, I... I gotta
tell you, car',

I don't think I should be getting dental
work from a man you used to stalk.

What?

Seriously. You know?

Uh, maybe I should just
take my time on this.

You know, lay low for
a couple of years.

I hear they're very close
to a root canal pill.

Ok, as far as b.S. Goes, not
your best work. Ok, hon'?

Yeah. I felt it.

And that's how I learned you should
always use extra strong rope

when lowering a
piano out a window.

So, any questions?

When do we play piano?

Play piano. Ha, ha, ha.

I think you're getting a little
ahead of yourself there.

First we need to be
around the instrument

to absorb its essence

without ever actually
touching it.

My friend's teacher let him
play on the first day.

Yes. But could your
friend's teacher do this?

Hello.

Hello.

You all right?

It's all right.

Hey.

Greetings.

You guys done? Uh,
how was the lesson?

Fun.

Yeah? Great.

You know, uh, if you want
to make a little money,

one of our neighbors wants to
get lessons for his kid, too.

Really? Well, send him over.

And, uh, while you're at it,

tell everyone you know.

You got it, my man. Come on, kirb'.
Eh, what do you say?

Thank you.

It's all right.

Ok, I got the
temporary crown off.

You doin' ok there? Uh-huh.

You know, I still can't get
over you are married to Carrie.

That's unbelievable.

Yeah. It's a little weird
for me at first, too.

You know, my dentist
being the guy

my wife had the hots
for when she was 16.

What?

Yeah. She was just telling me

how she would put on your shirt

just so she could
smell you all night.

Creepy.

That's funny. I didn't think
Carrie even knew I was alive.

Guess I was just too busy

trying to keep my
dead-end marriage afloat.

Yeah. Marriage can
be tough sometimes.

And then there was
my 2nd marriage.

Of course, I got
tricked into that one.

I forgot to take my pill.

Yeah, right.

Wow. If I'd just waited a
couple of extra years,

I could've ended up with Carrie.

You could've, yeah.

Hmm. You're a lucky guy, Doug.

Lucky, lucky guy.

I'm not going back to that guy.

I am not listening
to this again.

He's a lunatic, and he's
hurting me on purpose!

Why would he be hurting
you on purpose?

Because he's punishing
me for getting you.

What? Yeah.

He... he... he told me back when
you used to baby-sit for him,

that he had a crush on you, too.

Really? Yeah.

Well, what exactly did he say?

I don't know. Some stuff
about how you were great

and he wished he would've
waited to marry you.

Shut up!

What else did he say?

I'm not sure. I was
a little distracted

by the smoke coming
out of my jaw.

Doug, listen to me.

I know going to the
dentist is scary,

but I promise you,

Dr. farber is a professional.

He's not doing anything
bad to you on purpose.

Is, too.

Honey, it's a root canal.

It's an unpleasant procedure.

That's why you hear people say,
"crap, I need a root canal,"

and not, "yippee! I
need a root canal."

But he's still hurting me.

I know, but not on purpose.

I'll tell you one thing...

Just in case seeing
you riles him all up,

I'm gonna have someone else
take me there next Saturday.

Whatever help you, hon'.

Great. Now the
novocaine kicks in!

Hello, benchy.

Why did the boy throw the
clock out the window?

I don't know why.

To see time fly.

Yes.

Are we ever gonna
play the piano?

We'll get to that, darling.

First we limber up.

But I really want
to play it now.

Ok, you're outta here.

What?

I got a waiting
list a mile long,

so take your hello kitty
bag and hit the bricks.

So, anyone else wanna
play the piano?

I didn't think so.

Ok, kids, now it's time
to stare at the piano

and imagine yourself
playing at carnegie hall.

I'll see you in 15 minutes.

Thanks for the lift.

Oh, sure. No problem.

Sorry about the smell in my car.

Spaniel barf is really
hard to get out.

As opposed to other breeds?

Actually, yeah.

All right, Doug. Oh...

That's not Carrie.

No, no, no. She's, uh,

she's taking a class
on Saturdays.

It's a whole quilting,
sculpture thing.

May I ask you a question? Sure.

Where did you get your
one tough cop poster?

I... I love that movie.

Oh, actually, I got
it from the star.

Stephen Baldwin is
a patient of mine.

No!

Gosh, you know, you never think,

he's gotta go to the dentist
just like everyone else.

Look what he wrote.

"To one tough dentist,

all the best, Stephen
Baldwin." Oh, that's so cool!

So are you my next patient?

Oh, no, no. I just drove Doug.

Oh, what a shame. With
a smile like that,

it would be a very
easy appointment.

Thanks.

Hey, are you free
for lunch sometime?

Well, I'd have to move some
dogs around, but sure.

Well, great.

Well, great.

Hey. How was your appointment?

Delightful and pain-free.

You see? I told you, big baby,

he wasn't trying to
hurt you on purpose.

No, no. He was definitely
trying to hurt me

back when he was
obsessed with you.

But guess what, sister.

Dr. farber's got a love
Jones for somebody else.

And suddenly, he
doesn't feel the need

to diddle my nerve endings.

What? Who- who's
this other person?

I'll give you a hint.

She's blonde, she's sweet,
and she smells like poodle.

Holly? Dr. farber has
a thing for Holly?

Big thing. Hello,
yesterday's news.

Well, that just proves my point,

that he wasn't trying
to hurt you on purpose,

because if he was,
there would be no way

that he would stop doing it
for somebody like Holly.

She is so not his type.

You want me to cry like a
baby and say I'm sorry?

I won't.

Why don't you act
like a man for once?

Why don't you shut up for once?

All you do is drone on and
on, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Sorry I can't be more like
your precious Carrie.

Forgive me.

Why don't you just go have
another 6-pack, drunk?

Screw you!

All right, Doug.

Open up.

So Kirby's been
taking piano lessons.

Hey, kirb', come here.

Why don't you show aunt Helen and
everyone what you've been learning?

Hello, benchy.

Hello, Kirby.

Heh, heh.

Arthur Spooner piano academy.
"Let music fill your life."

How can I help you?

Let me check.

Lucky you, we had
a cancellation.

Saturdays at 2:00. Cash only, please.
Bye-bye.

Play something on the piano.

What? No, uh, play something.

Anything.

Oh, sure.

First I need to limber up.

This may take a while. Now.

Fine.

If I cramp up,
it's on your head.

♪

Is that it?

No, of course not.

♪

That's it.

I can't believe you, Arthur.

You took all these kids' money,
and you taught them nothing.

Not true. I taught them confidence.
I taught them self-respect.

You taught them that
the petals are there

because pianos used to
be a type of vehicle.

Weren't they?

It's over, Arthur. I'm
calling all the parents

and telling them
what's been goin' on.

Could you just leave
me the huang twins?

They're cash cows.

What's goin' on?
This isn't carvel.

No. It's the back entrance to Dr.
farber's office.

What?

Doug, you've got
one session left.

You've gotta finish this thing.

So Doug seems to have
gotten this crazy idea

that you've been kinda
hurting him on purpose

because you have a thing for me.
Hah!

Doug, do you really think that?

I was told I wouldn't
have to speak.

Wow. I... I... I don't
know what to say.

I'm a little stunned by this,

but I... I guess I...
I have to admit

seeing you again did
bring up some feelings.

I know that sounds horrible.

No! No! I mean, I... I know Doug
told you I had a crush on you.

Ha, I couldn't believe it.

Oh, I did. You know what
I used to do sometimes?

I used to go downstairs in the
basement, behind the wet bar,

And pretend we were
hosting a party together.

What, like a dinner party?
Ok, all right.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, I-I'm a very
emotional person.

And maybe subconsciously I was
taking out some resentment on you.

That is completely unacceptable,
and I'm so sorry.

And I assure you it
will not happen again.

Thank you.

Everything ok, Doug? Any pain at all?
Uh-uh.

All right, we're
heading for home

so just hang in there a
couple more minutes.

Excuse me a second.

Hello.

Yeah. I'll take it.

Hey, how you doin'?

What?

Oh, wow. Uh... All right, yeah.

Thanks for calling. Bye.

That was your friend Deacon.

Turns out this guy Spooner,

who was giving my
daughter piano lessons,

was just a scam artist.
What a dirtbag.

Wait a minute. Spooner.

Carrie Spooner.

Oh. Hello, Mr. huang.

Hello, boys.

Play something.