The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 22 - Patrons Ain't - full transcript

Go on, draw. You
ain't got nothin'.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.
Where did you get that $300?

Uh, hello?

What?

You gonna bless me or...

Oh. I thought that was a cough.

No. It was a sneeze.

Couldn't tell.

Well, a civilized
person would ask

was that a cough or a sneeze?

Then if I tell you
it's a sneeze,



you'd come back with a
nice "God bless you."

Gotta be honest with you, Doug,

that sounds like a lot of work.

Oh, ok, it's a lot of work

asking God

to bless your husband.

Shame on you.

Ok, God bless you,

God be with you, godspeed,

and I'll even throw in
a bonus gesundheit.

You happy now?

I don't think that
was very sincere.

Well, that's all
you're gettin', bub.

Fine.



Oh, I got nothing to say.

What are you doing?

Circuit training.

Right now, I'm in between sets.

Doug, the accountant's gonna
be here in, like, 20 minutes.

You're supposed to be getting
all your papers together.

Where's your w-2,
all your receipts?

Easy, mama.

They're just pieces of paper.

It'll take me 2 seconds.

Yeah, do you know
where they are?

Me? No.

Ok. Well, go find them.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

Hey!

Hey, Kirby.

Is something supposed
to be happening here?

Kirby, don't you have something

you want to say to Doug?

Hi. My name is Kirby Palmer,

and I'm a student at the
Robert hoover school.

Well, hello!

Dad!

You're not supposed
to interrupt him.

I didn't know there was more.

It's ok. It's... it's ok.

Can I start over?

Sure, buddy!

Hi.

My name is Kirby Palmer,

and I'm a student at the
Robert hoover school.

We are selling candy bars

to raise money to...

To...

To renovate the school library.

Can I start over?

Actually, you know what?

I... I like what I heard,

especially that
part about candy.

I'll take it.

Ok, that's $5.

Here, you can read
up on the library.

I'm sure you'll get
right on that.

Wow!

I'm the mayor of chocolate town!

Let's all sign the declaration

of chocola-pendence!

Uh, are you done?

'Cause we got a lot
of houses to hit.

Yeah, I'm done.

All right, cool. Say thanks, Kirby.
All right. Later!

Thank you.

All right.

Who was that?

Was that the accountant?

Did you send him away?

What are you, in
love with this guy?

It was Kirby and Deacon.

I bought a candy bar
for his school.

Oh. Boy, that looks good.

Break me off a piece?

What? Break me off a piece.

Wow, you'd think I asked
you for a kidney.

See, people think

just because it's pre-divided
into little squares,

that it's meant to be shared.

Suddenly, it belongs
to the community.

Yeah, it's an outrage.

So I figure it's best for you

to make the maximum
401-k contribution.

You'll take home less now,

but in the end, you make more.

Oh, uh, Carrie, I'm gonna
need your w-2 from last year.

Oh, yeah. Right here.

Would you like some more coffee?

Oh, no, thanks, but, uh,

I have been eyeing
that chocolate.

Mind if I snag a piece?

No problem.

Thanks.

Ok, moving on,

oh, do you have a list of
the charitable donations

you made for the year?

Well, we don't keep
a list per se,

um, but I know

we definitely... definitely
gave to charity.

Oh, ok. Definitely.

I just... I... I just gotta, um,

I just gotta think for a second.

Charity...

Charity...

Do-nay-shee-un.

Oh, wait!

Wait a second.

We gave, uh, $15 to...
to the animal shelter.

And, oh, $20 to that
rainforest fund.

You remember, there was that
booth at the supermarket?

Yeah, uh, we got a
certificate signed by sting.

Is that it?

We also gave money to h.B.O.

Honey? It's not charity.

It's paying your bill.

Excuse me,

they do a lot of
educational documentaries.

Like, last week, I
learned that 2 dwarfs

can have a regular-sized kid.

It was fascinating.

So, with the shelter,

and the sting thing,

your total for the year is

$35.

Wow.

You guys really knocked
yourselves out there, huh?

What an attitude on that jerk!

I mean, who is he to judge us?

He takes chocolate he
wasn't even offered,

but we're the bad guys.

I don't think so.

Yeah, and it's not like

you have to give charity
to be charitable!

I mean, it's the way you say hi.

It's the way you smile at people.
Yeah!

Although you don't smile
at people a whole lot.

Stop! Neither do you.

I... I... I smile constantly.

People think I'm a
lunatic half the time!

All right, you know what?
That's not the point.

The point is, we did
give to charity, ok?

We gave $35!

$35 is good money!

Absolutely!

Ugh.

No, it's not.

We are horrible and
selfish people.

I mean, look at us.

We got a house, we got
food on the table,

a car, and what do we do?

We keep it all for ourselves.

All of it!

We're bad.

We're damned.

We're going straight to hell.

You know what? Let's not panic.

We can still buy our
way out of this.

All right, now, come on...
Come on, honey.

Who... who do we care about?

Who's poor? Who's needy?

Hey, we could buy,
like, 1,000 candy bars

for Kirby's school library.

A school library.

That's perfect!

Yeah! From now on, anybody
who comes over to our house

will get a free chocolate bar.

That will be our thing!

No, you doof.

I'm talkin' about making
a real donation here!

"Opening up young minds...

Children are our future..."

This is a home run, hon'!

We love children!
We love reading!

Actually, we don't love reading.

No, but we do think it's a
good alternative to drugs.

Yes!

Ok.

Ok, so, this is our pet cause,

the... the Robert hoover
school's new library.

Congratulations.

And to you, sir!

So, how much should we give?

$250?

We couldn't be better
people if we tried!

Unless we bump it up to $500.

Look out! Now we're
better people!

Actually, wait a minute.

Can we really afford
to give $500?

Can we afford not to?

All right.

500 big ones!

Ok, look, it says here

that that puts us in
the "patrons' circle."

Wow, we rocketed past
"friends and angels."

So long, losers!

"Patrons" sounds fancy. Yeah.

I'm patron Doug.

Just like in colonial times.

W-what are you talkin' about?

I don't know, but why do you

gotta call me out on everything?

How great is this?

An elementary school
library dedication.

This is as good as it gets.

We are out of hell
with a bullet.

Hey, guys, thanks again
for comin' tonight.

I wanted to introduce
you to Nana Louise.

She runs the place, she wanted
to thank you for your donation.

Hi. Oh, hi.

I can't tell you

how much we appreciate
your generosity.

Oh, well,

if we can help one
child read one book,

then we've done our job.

Oh, absolutely.

You know, I always
say that reading is

fundamental.

Nana Louise,

can you read me this book?

Oh, yes, of course.

In just a few minutes, David.

I'm Kenny.

There's so many of them.

Excuse me a moment.

Sure.

Attention, everyone.

If you could come
toward me, please.

We want to thank our
wonderful donors

for their generosity.

Give yourselves a
great, big hand!

And as our way of
saying thank you,

may I present our
commemorative wall of donors.

Ooh.

Nana Louise got back.

Stop it!

Enjoy the rest of the evening.

Honey, our names are on a wall!

How exciting is this!

Patrons, patrons.

This is great!

Here we are.

In "friends."

Friends?

Isn't that the $50 category?

Yeah!

Are you sure you gave $500?

Yeah, I'm positive, Doug.

I already got the canceled
check back from the bank.

The school must have
made a mistake!

Huh.

Huh.

Well, I mean,

it doesn't matter, right?

We... we didn't do
it for the credit.

We did it for the kids.

Right.

The kids.

It's not like we can say,

hey, we were supposed to
be patrons, you know?

That wouldn't be
very charitable.

No, it would not.

No!

Crap!

Hey, it doesn't matter what
it says on that donor wall.

We know we're patrons.

We're patrons where it counts:

On the inside.

Yeah, but everybody
who reads that wall

will think we're just friends.

Yeah, but if you think about it,

friends may actually
be better, right?

I mean, they write
songs about friends.

You don't hear anything
about "gettin' by"

with a little help
from my patrons."

I'll tell you something, Doug.

I think we should
tell Nana Louise

that there's been a mistake.

What? No... no, we can't!

Why not? 'Cause we'll
look like jerks!

Yeah, but now we
look like cheapos.

Listen to me, if
we say anything,

we'll be undoing all the charity
we did in the first place,

and then we're back on
the fast track to hell!

All right, cool your jets

with the hell talk, Johnny.

Excuse me for caring
about our eternal souls.

Wait a minute.

Are you... Are you serious?

Do you... do you literally think

we'll go to a place called hell

for telling Nana
Louise about this?

Not a place called hell.

Hell!

Oh, ok, so tell wh-wh-wh-

what are you picturing
here, Doug?

Are you picturing the...
the devil

in red tights with a pitchfork?

Th-those aren't tights.

That's his skin.

Ok, you know what, Doug?
I do not appreciate

you making me feel
like a bad person

just because I wanna
tell Nana Louise

that there's been a mistake.

Doesn't matter, 'cause you're
not sayin' anything anyway.

Uh, you know what? I think I am.

You can't! I can.

I'm gonna tell her at the
read along what happened.

Anybody would agree that's
totally appropriate.

Ok, then obviously,
we disagree here.

You... you know
what we need to do?

We need to find a
neutral 3rd party.

Ok, fine. Who?

My mom.

Oh, yeah.

'Cause your mom won't
take your side at all.

All right, fine. Who
do you wanna ask?

Sooji, my nail lady.

Soo who, your what?

Sooji, my nail lady.

What? She's very moral.

I ain't going to
sooji, your nail lady,

with my hell questions, ok?

Well, then that's your problem.

I wish we could just ask God,

'cause I know he'd side with me.

Well, we can't ask God,

so where does that leave us?

So, what do you
think we should do?

Well, Doug, Carrie,

what do you think you should do?

Well, I think we'd
kinda like to know

what you think.

Well, what do you think I think?

Ok, let's just cut
to the chase here.

Uh, do you think
it's morally wrong

for Doug and I to
tell Nana Louise

that we were supposed to
be in the patrons' circle?

Well, "morally wrong"
is a strong term.

Yeah, but it certainly isn't
morally right, right? Hmm?

In a perfect world,

charity should be
its own reward...

Ok, ok, ok, ok. Imagine this.

Imagine

if there were priest
of the year awards.

Ok? We'll call them

the priesties.

And you knew you got
most of the votes,

but for some reason,

father o'Henry was
named the winner, ok?

Ok, now, obviously you
should be a priest

for the sake of being a priest,

but is there...

Is there really anything wrong

in wanting a little recognition?

A little "what-what"
from your peers?

Well, it's human nature

to wanna be praised for
a job well-done...

There you go. Then
you see our problem.

Well, Carrie, Doug,

this is your dilemma,

and only you can
find the answer.

But if you want my advice,

it may be best to let
the matter drop.

Really?

Hmm.

Man of the cloth thinks
we should drop it.

Fine.

Hey, anybody wanna hear me read

horton hears a who?

Yeah!

Whoa, whoa, ok. Wow.

Wasn't expecting that.

Chill out. It's just
a book, not T.V.

♪

Hey, hey, Kirby.

Come here, come here,
come here, come here.

Can I show you somethin'?

What?

Well,

Doug and I donated enough
money to your school

to be way up here,

but, instead, our names
are way down here.

Do you think that's fair?

How'd you like to do your
aunt Carrie a favor?

"'Should I put this speck down?'

"horton thought with alarm.

"'If I do, these small persons

"'may come to great harm.

"'I can't put it down,

"'and I won't! After all,

"'a person's a person,

no matter how small.'"

or how big.

So, you're just gonna
tell Nana Louise

that Doug and I were
supposed to be...

S-starts with a "p."

Pa-

patrons, Kirby.

Patrons.

Ok, maybe we should go
over this again. Ok.

I have to go to the bathroom.

All right, well,
you're a big boy,

you can hold it, right?

It hurts.

Yeah, all right. I need
you to focus, honey.

No, no! Kir-Kirby!

Hey, uh, what's goin' on?

Oh, well, um,

Kirby noticed that we
were listed as friends

instead of patrons on the wall,

and he was pretty upset.

He wanted to talk
to Nana Louise.

Have you guys read this?

It's very good.

Why would Kirby care

where you're listed on the wall?

What?

What is wrong with you?

It's perfect!

What's more innocent

than having it
come from a child?

All right, you know, this is...
this is it.

This is where I get
off, girlfriend.

What does that mean?

That means you're free
to marry your true love:

Satan!

He said Santa.

Ok, am I gonna have
to have 2 two removed

from an elementary school?

Ok, but it's not my fault, it's her fault.
She's sick!

No, no, no, I'm not sick, honey.

I... I... I realized
something about myself, ok?

I'm not a bad person.

I'm just very petty.

I want to do good
things for people,

I just want them to know
that I'm doing them.

And that's sick!

Is there a problem?

Actually, Nana Louise, there is.

So I guess the zero got dropped

somewhere along the way.

Oh!

I feel terrible.

Well, it didn't bother us.

It's just that if people were
to see that we were patrons,

it might inspire
them to give more.

It's for the kids, really.

Again, I'm so sorry.

We'll have to make it up to you.

Well, um, you know,

I should get back out there.

I promised little Timmy I'd
read him Charlotte's web.

There is no little Timmy.

You're the queen of darkness.

Shut up.

All right, an extra
zero would make that

$5,000.

Oh, my!

What the...

They named the library after us?

Really?

Yeah.

Look, I don't really
have all the details,

but I've got a gut feeling

that wasn't supposed to happen.

You know what? It probably...

Ah!

Please.

Understand something?

I only stopped by that
day as a courtesy

because I know Doug likes candy.

I didn't realize the evil

I would be unleashing.

So, if you don't
see me and my son

come around for a while,

I think you'll know why.

Good-bye.

And good day.

Nana Louise must have
screwed up again.

We're gonna have to go down
there and straighten it out.

Do we?

What?

What?

I've always wanted a library.

You've always wanted a library?

Ok, I've always wanted a Jaguar,

but I'm never gonna get that,

so let me have this!

Carrie, if we don't fix this,

we're definitely goin' to hell!

No, we're going to heaven!

We donated a freakin' library!

But we didn't!

God knows that!

God will see the big sign

with our names on it,

and move on to other stuff.

He doesn't check
into those things.

Carrie, sweetheart,
listen to me.

The library doesn't
belong to us.

We gotta give it back.

Tsk.

Fine!

I'm confused.

No, see... see,

we... we gave $500.

You just added an extra
zero, that's all.

Look, if it's easier for
you to keep the sign up,

we're... we're ok with that.

Carrie.

Oh, boy.

I seem to make so many
silly mistakes these days.

The school board isn't gonna
be too happy with me.

I'm sure they'll understand.

Children,

the school board says

that Nana Louise is very tired,

and can't read to you anymore.

No, Nana Louise!

Don't go!

Oh,

don't cry, Leonard.

I'm Richie.

Oh,

oh, dear.

We got a sweet old lady fired,

and we're starting to
get a little concerned

about this whole hell thing?

Um,

what's the dealy-o on that?

Hi. I'm selling boxes of cookies

so my troop can go see
the Liberty Bell.

All right, I'm gonna
do you a favor, here.

Go away and don't come back.

Tell the others.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Quick. One box of
the shortbread.

Now go! Go!