The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 19 - Screwed Driver - full transcript

♪ My baby's goin' to Chicago

Annoying.

Come on, I'm helping.

I'm turning the pain of packing

into the Carrie Heffernan
travelin' blues.

What do you do with these lawyers
for a whole week, anyway?

Oh, we have a bunch of
meetings, depositions.

And love affairs?

Hmm. Actually, now
that you mention it,

toss me back those
black Lacy panties.

I can't believe you're
goin' away on the one week



my parents are comin' to visit.

They're gonna be so bummed.

Honey, I'm sorry.
It's not my fault.

It's a last minute thing.

Now I gotta take care
of them all by myself.

I mean, I... I can't do that.

What do you feed parents?

It's not that hard. You
go to the grocery store,

you get something like chicken,

you expose it to heat,
and then you serve it.

Huh?

You'll be fine.

Whoa. What's this?

That's a love note.
Don't read that now.



You'll embarrass me.

"Try to bring me home a
Chicago-style pizza."

See, now I'm embarrassed.

Hey, guy, how's
my truck lookin'?

Almost loaded.

Hey! Hey! What do
I do with this?

It's coded for our depot, but
the address is sector 7.

J-Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.

What's my job here?
You're a driver.

Yeah. And what does he do?

Well, he's wearin'
the big black belt.

So I guess that
makes him a loader.

Now Danny, if your job was
to mow the white house lawn,

would you ask the president
what to do with the clippings?

No.

The unwritten rules, my friend,

the unwritten rules. All right.

What's up?

What's up, bridesmaid?

So your, uh, folks
roll into town yet?

Nah, they're comin' in today.
Oh, but it turns out

Carrie's gotta go on
this business trip,

so I gotta be their Mr.
Belvedere all week.

You can't just suck
it up for a week?

I mean, they took care of
you for 18 years, right?

Actually, 27.

Ok, don't all jump up at once.
I'm only the boss.

What do you got there, Mr.
O'Boyle?

Safety manuals for the test.

W-what test?

All right, guys. As all of you,

except for Heffernan,
probably knows,

the company's goin' with
another insurance carrier.

So you're gonna
need these manuals

for the test on basic safety
practices on Wednesday.

Well, grumble all you want,

but you fail, you're off
the road for 3 months.

Speakin' of which, why aren't
you on the road right now?

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

I can't believe this crap.

I've been drivin' my
truck for 8 years.

Now they wanna see if
I know how to use it?

I specifically took this job
so I wouldn't have to read.

Does anybody wanna
form a study group?

Anybody wanna wear a dress?

Wow, these legs are
really scuffed.

Do you happen to know where
my son keeps his varnish?

That would be in the
unventilated basement

where they make me sleep.

Ok, here's the problem.
No support screws.

No wonder the darn
thing's wobbly.

Spooner, could you
pass me a screwdriver?

I wasn't aware I was your
apprentice, but very well.

Actually, I need
a Phillips head.

You know what's funny?

For 25 years, I owned
a hardware store.

I could never figure out

why the heck we needed 2
types of screwdrivers.

You ran a successful business.
I get it.

I mean, everybody would
get along just fine

with one screwdriver,

and then this guy,
Phillips, comes along,

convinces the world that
we need a 2nd screwdriver.

Maybe I should go out there

and invent a "Joe's"
head screwdriver,

make a million bucks for myself.

Oh, is it 6:00 already? Forgive me.
I have to run.

Where you goin'?

Uh, a meeting at
the senior center.

We're unhappy with
the pudding vendor.

We're thinkin' of
makin' a change.

Hey! Hey! I'm home!

Oh, Dougie! Great to see you!

Oh, sorry I'm late. I had to
stop at a couple of stores.

When is Carrie gettin' home?

Oh, y-y-you're not
gonna believe this.

She's in Chicago for the
week with her law firm.

She's totally gonna
miss your visit.

Aw, fiddlesticks.

It's ok. It's ok.
I got some stuff.

You're gonna be all
taken care of here.

I got some vegetables, uh, soap,

a chicken, and some sheets.

Carrie said we had, uh, extra
sheets, but I couldn't find 'em.

Honey, they're in
the hall closet.

I already made the bed.

Oh. All right.

Well, ok. But I am
making dinner, ok?

So let me just pop this
thing in the microwave

and we will be good to go. Ok.

I don't see a chicken button.

Dougie, come on. Let
me make the dinner.

No, ma, you're a guest
in my house, ok?

Let me host you.

And you are very sweet,
but I am the mother here,

and I'm pullin' rank on you.

Let me do what I do, and
you do what you do, ok?

Oh, yeah! Touchdown!

Oh, I stopped your ass!

Dougie. Sorry, ma.

Is this all the laundry
what was up in the hamper?

Ma, dinner was great.

You don't have to do my laundry.
This is crazy.

Come on! This is my joy.

Really?

You think your joy would
mind washing my uniform?

It's on the floor in my bedroom.

My son, the slob.

Hello? Hey, Spence, what's up?

You know what? No, I can't. My...
my parents are here.

Nah, it's goin' great.

It's just like being back
in high school again,

except with less acne.

And now I've actually
seen a naked girl.

You know what? I'll... I'll ask.

Ma!

Can Spence come over
for dinner tomorrow?

Sure.

Hey, you should invite the
whole gang like you used to.

Oh, Joe, isn't this fun?

Don't invite Spencer.
He's weird.

Let it go, Joe. He
was in junior high.

He was just curious
about his body.

Why did he have to be
curious in my bathroom,

with the door unlocked?

Ma, as long as you're
doin' dinner and laundry,

what are the odds I could
score some lemon squares?

Already in the oven.

I love you!

I love you, too, baby.

Hello?

Anybody here?

Young man, do you work here?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm comin'.

Hey, what's up?

Catchin' a smoke
back there, huh?

Um, yeah.

I notice you roll
your own cigarettes.

Must save you a bundle.

Yeah.

A. Spooner.

Owen.

Let me ask you this, Owen.

How many types of screwdrivers
do you carry here?

Uh, 2.

The regular kind,

and, uh, the other kind.

I see. Now what if I told
you there was a new product

poised to set the screwdriver
world on its ears?

It's called the "Arthur's" head.

Would you have room
on your shelves

for something like that?

I guess so.

That's the answer I
was lookin' for.

So long story short,
we gotta go in

a half hour early
tomorrow to take a test

just so the company can save,
like, 7 million bucks.

You think we're gonna see any
of that in our paychecks?

Don't think so.

That is some nice hand lotion
you have in the bathroom.

Oh, geez.

Mrs. Heffernan,
dinner was amazing.

Oh, please. It's my pleasure.
I'll second that, Janet.

You guys wanna hit
coopers, play some pool?

Oh, yeah, I'm in.

Let's hurry up and grab a table.

Let's get goin'.

Dougie? Yeah?

Shouldn't you be studyin'?

For what?

For your test. It's tomorrow.

I'll study later.

You know, y-you're not
a great test taker.

It's a test about driving.
I'm a driver.

Douglas, I feel very
strongly that you should not

go play pool with your
friends right now.

Tough. I'm goin'.

Joe, would you say something?

What do you want from me?

I want you to put down your g.D.
Newspaper

and tell your son to study.

Your mother wants you to study.

Would you guys get off my case?

I'm 34-and-a-half. God!

All right. You got 30 minutes.

After that, pencils down.

No talking. No belching.

This is serious
business, people.

All right. Begin.

Heffernan!

Yeah. Ok. Almost done.

Oh, hi, Dougie. How was work?

Uh, it was good. I'm gonna
go upstairs and shower.

Wait. How did your test go?

Uh, well, uh...

They, uh, cancelled it.

Really? Why?

I don't know why.
They didn't tell us.

I mean, why are
our trucks green?

They didn't tell us that, either.
Ok, I gotta go.

Oh, good morning, Joseph.

I see your chair's
holding up well.

Kudos on your craftsmanship.

Thanks.

Anyway, remember the other day

we were kicking around an idea

about an alternate screwdriver?

What?

I think you may have called
it the "Joe's" head.

That? I was joking.

Well, then, if someone
were to develop

a "Joe's" head

or let's say an "ar-nold's"
head screwdriver,

but, uh, you'd have no
problem with that, huh?

Not really. No.

Would you sign this
document to that effect?

What's this?

It's a standard release form.

I'm not signin' this.

Oh, really? So I go out and
do all the heavy lifting

to get this thing to work,

then you come in at the end

and claim all the profits.
Is that it?

You're out of your mind.

I've never been more in my mind.

You want me to sign this?
All right.

Buy me out. 10 bucks.

5. 10.

Deal.

So you got all those, uh,
packages sorted by priority code?

Yeah.

All right.

I'll make a belt guy
out of you yet.

Hey, I'm not a belt guy, ok?

I'm a driver who's wearin'
a belt for 3 months.

Ok, ok.

Hey, belty!

Hey, so how's my truck lookin'?

I... I need, like,
10 more minutes.

Let me know when it's done.
I'm gonna grab some coffee.

All right. Go have
your precious coffee.

Yo, what's up with you, man?

I... I didn't make
you fail the test.

No, but you know what? You're the one
who said this whole thing was b.S.

And that we should go play pool.

Now all of a sudden, you're
drivin', and I'm loadin'.

I guess I'm just wonderin'
how that all happened?

I guess it happened
because I'm not a moron.

So I took 5 minutes to
look at the manual.

"Oh, Mr. O'Boyle, I love you,

especially that part."

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna assume that's
just the belt talkin', man.

Look at that, Heffernan.

You finally got a
bra for your belly.

Give him a break, huh?
It's not easy for him

when I'm drivin' his truck!

You guys are pretty
funny, you know that?

You talk pretty tough,
but you know what?

I don't hear anybody talkin' crap
up here on the loadin' dock.

I don't see you up
here, applebow.

Doug? Shouldn't you
be gettin' to work?

Honey, why aren't you up yet?

I don't feel good.

What's wrong?

I got a cough here, and I...
I... I got chills,

and I threw up in
my throat a little.

You know, you feel
a little warm.

Maybe you should
stay home from work.

Ok.

Good. I'll make you
some tea with honey.

It'll help settle your stomach.

Say "ah."

Ah. There you go.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mr. O'Boyle.

Uh, this is Doug's mother.
Uh-huh.

Ok. Um, he should call you

and tell you where last
month's t-11's are.

Got it. Oh, he's fine.

He should be back behind
the wheel in a day or 2.

What?

No, I was not aware of that.

Don't go away. We'll
be right back

with more of our flintstones
marathon after this.

Yabba-dabba-delightful.

Doug!

Uh, come in.

Hello, dear. How was your toast?

I got... I got it down.

I just had a very interesting
conversation with Mr. O'Boyle.

Oh, God.

I want you to know I am
very disappointed in you

not that you failed the test,
but that you lied to me.

I'm... I'm sorry I lied, but it's...
it's your fault.

How is it my fault?

You got in my head,
tellin' me all that stuff

about how I'm a bad test taker.

Did I tell you to go play
pool with your buddies?

No.

What's goin' on in here?

Joe, can I talk to you?
In private?

Why don't you leave him alone?
He's sick.

He's not sick.

What do you mean?

He failed that test.
He was fakin' it.

Oh, for cryin' out loud!

How does a driver
fail a driving test?

Shh. Don't yell at him.

We're only gonna push
him further away.

What is wrong with that kid?

We had him tested.

He's got a short attention span.

Nah, that's just a fancy way
of sayin' that he's stupid.

Hearing you!

Ah, just the man
I wanted to see.

Hey, what's up?

I have something to show you,

vis-a-vis our conversation
the other day.

What?

Meet the future.

The prototype of the
Arthur's head screwdriver.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

I fashioned it from an
old typewriter key.

You see, the letter "a"
on the screwdriver

will fit into the
corresponding "a" hole

in the "Arthur's" head screw.

Cool.

So, uh, how many units would
be an appropriate first order

for an item of this magnitude?

I don't know.

Ballpark.

10,000? Really?

My heart's beatin'
like a rabbit.

We'll be in touch.

Yahoo!

One other thing.

You guys gotta get your
paperwork straight.

If you wanna get
paid your overtime,

you gotta fill out all 3 forms:

The pink, the blue,
and the green.

The pink goes in my box,
the blue goes upstairs,

the green is for your files

for those of you with
filing cabinets,

which I'm guessing
is not too many.

Hello.

Can I help you?

I'm just here to see Douglas.

I'm his mother.

Well, I'm done here.
Back to work.

Ma, what are you doing here?

You forgot your lunch.

I gotta run, ok?

Ok, fine. See you for dinner.

No!

Fine. Goodbye.

Mom, no!

The thing is, I don't think
Doug's performance on a test

is really indicative of
what he's capable of.

I hope not.

He got the lowest
score in the borough.

Is there any way

that Doug could take
that test again?

I don't know. He's really
supposed to wait 3 months.

Mr. O'Boyle, do you
have children?

A couple of boys, 17 and 2.

Well, then, you must understand

as a parent what this is like.

Sometimes children
lose their way,

and they need a helpin'
hand, you know?

And I'm sure that you would want

someone to do it for your boys.

Yeah, well, maybe I can
work somethin' out,

but if he fails the test again,

I'm screwed to the wall.

Believe me, Doug will
not take the test

so lightly this time,
will you, Doug?

I won't.

You won't what?

I won't take the test
so lightly this time.

What is the minimum
tread depth for tires?

4/32 of an inch for
the front tires,

2/32 of an inch for the rear.

Very good! You're
gettin' there, kiddo!

Hey, we're gonna go
shoot some hoops.

Doug.

I gotta study.

All right. L-later, man.

Yeah. Oh, hey, uh,

could I use your
bathroom real quick?

Oh, here we go again.

You know, ok, that's it.
You know what?

I... I didn't know you were
home that day, all right?

Victoria principal was on
the cover of TV guide.

Don't define me by one
moment of weakness.

Let me live!

I'm sorry. You're right, son.
I apologize.

Thank you.

Um, well, is it cool
if I use the bathroom?

I'd rather you didn't.

Loser buys the wings.

Gonna be you, sucker.

Shotgun!

Come on. We got more to do.

Ok, where were we?

Ah, chapter 4.
"Load management."

Hello?

I'm sorry. Doug can't
talk on the phone.

Because he can't socialize

until he's finished
studying for his test.

You'll have to call back.

All right, where were we?
Chapter 4.

Hello?

Can I speak to my
husband, please?

All right. It's Carrie.
Make it quick.

Hey.

You can't socialize?

She's just mad at me 'cause
I failed my I.P.S. Test,

and she had to go in there

and get O'Boyle to
give me another shot,

and now she won't let me

play basketball with the
guys 'cause I gotta study.

It sucks.

What the hell is
going on over there?

Please come home.

That's 3.