The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 20 - Lush Life - full transcript
Carrie starts joining a colleague for after-work cocktails and Doug realises she's less abrasive when she returns home. When Carrie has a row with her co-worker, Doug and Arthur conspire to keep her a little tipsy - until neighbour Lou spills the beans and she's even angrier than ever.
Doug? Honey?
I'm out here!
What are you doin'
out on the porch?
Just takin' in the evening.
What is this, mayberry?
Come on out. Join me.
It's a beautiful night. Look...
look, you can see the big bopper.
It is kinda nice.
Ain't it? Yeah.
Oh, look, Mrs. Chang's
lettin' her cat in.
Oh, yeah, she loves
that little tabby, huh?
Hey, check it out. The garrisons
got some new trash cans.
Oh, yeah.
Wheels on 'em.
Hey, couple young fellas down
there, shootin' the breeze.
Yeah.
Oh, look.
One of them just took
out a wad of cash.
Now the other one's taking it
and giving him a little baggie.
Oh, my God, they
just looked at us!
Hey, babe.
Hey.
Where's, uh...
Where's breakfast?
Comin' right up.
Slimtime morning meal 1-a.
Kill me now.
Doug, you agreed to
start your diet today.
The doctor said your cholesterol
was through the roof.
But maybe he meant
that in a good way,
like, you know, "through
the roof, whoop-whoop!
Whoop-whoop!"
Listen, I paid for 8
weeks of these meals,
so this diet is happening.
So no more wing
night at coopers,
no more poker with the guys...
No more poker? Why not?
Because you always pig out!
I do not!
Doug, you once told me you only played
poker because it adds excitement
to your eating.
Excuse me for embracing life.
Come on, honey, trust me.
Once you start losing weight,
you will feel much better.
Now, come on, you have a
great little meal here.
Mmm, smells good.
And the guy at the
diet center said...
I'm done.
You are not done,
you still got your little
meat thingie there.
Oh, yeah, that little
stamp of ham. Ok.
Can I at least
have some mustard?
Yeah, go crazy.
Dad, what are you doin'?
This is a perfectly
good container.
Why are you throwing it out?
Because when I buy
margarine again,
I'm pretty sure
they're gonna give me
another container
to take it home in.
All I know is this would
make a lovely holder
for my collection of
civil war bullets.
And all I know is,
downstairs you have a
million empty boxes,
jell-o cups, vaporub jars,
and nothing in any of 'em!
You looked through
my private things?
Shame on you!
Doug, what are you doin'?
Answer me.
I can't find the mustard.
Doug! What?
Oh, God, it's like I'm
living with toddlers here.
Ok, listen to me. I am
coming home late tonight.
In the meantime,
you stay out of the garbage,
and you stay out of
the big, cold box,
do you understand
what mommy is saying?
Yes, ma'am.
Ok, good. I'll see you tonight.
You know, when I
gave her to you,
she was sweet as pie.
Gets smaller when you cook it.
Huh.
Oh, God.
Hello, Douglas.
Hey, Arthur, uh...
What you, uh...
What you got there?
Pizza pie.
Good for you.
Mmm.
Ohh!
All right.
You're gonna have
to stop doin' that.
I can't help it. This
is delicious pizza.
Ok, if I hear one
more "mmm" or "ahh,"
I'm comin' at you hard.
You hear?
Gotcha.
Ooh! That's it!
Get up, short stuff!
Hit the stairs!
Fine.
I shouldn't have to eat in fear!
God, please be a prowler.
You are so busted, mister!
I didn't mean to cheat!
Arthur left me here
alone with this pizza,
and I... I... I blacked out, and
when I came to, I was eating her.
Weird.
Well,
it's mine now.
I will eat this,
and you eat whatever
that is there,
because you are sticking to
your diet, my buddy friend.
Fine.
Oh, have your stupid pizza.
Really?
Yeah.
You're not just baiting me
like the time you told me
I could get the porn channel,
then said I disgust you?
No.
Go ahead. I know you love it.
Ok, then.
Pizza, pizza, pizza.
So where you been tonight?
Oh, um, there's a new secretary
on our floor,
and after work, we
went out for a drink.
A drink.
Did you, now?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, we ordered one of
those apple Martinis.
They are so good!
Little cocktail, God bless.
Mm-hmm.
Ooh. You gonna have
some garlic bread?
As a matter of fact, I am.
Ok, open for $2.
I'll see you and raise $5.
Raise $5, huh, Lou?
Methinks the next-door
neighbor to scare everyone out
with a big, bad bluff.
So, you in, or you out?
Oh, I'm out.
It's to you, Danny.
Well, he's not scarin' me.
I call.
What do you got, big guy?
A pair of 10s.
Straight to the ace!
Oh!
Oh, yeah! Sorry,
Ferrigno, don't get mad.
Oh, I think he's turning
a little green.
Hey, if that shirt starts
rippin', I'm outta here!
I was told there'd
be no hulk jokes.
New guy.
All right, we got cheese
in a can, cheese in a jar,
and for those of you eating
lighter, pork rinds.
Wait, I thought Carrie was
making you go on a diet.
Yeah, what's up?
She seen you in your
underwear and just give up?
Nope. Things have
changed around here.
I eat what I want,
I play poker when I want,
and I scratch where I want.
All because Carrie discovered
the apple Martini.
Huh?
Yeah. Every night now, she goes out for
a drink with this other secretary,
and I get
"after-6:00-happy-Carrie."
Oh, get outta here, man.
No, I'm serious. She's sweet.
She's funny.
She's frisky!
It's all the beautiful
qualities I married her for
without the unpleasant
aftertaste.
But, Doug,
isn't it better to love the
person for who they really are,
not when they're made
artificially nicer by alcohol.
You're adorable.
Hey, evening, sweet cakes.
What's up, Carrie?
Do me a favor. Take a
look at Lou's cards
and blink twice if he, uh,
can beat a pair of Jacks.
What are you doin'?
What? You... you
said we could play.
Yeah, in the garage.
Well, it's, it's kinda cold
out there, and there's a car.
So you just decided
to come in here
and put a huge scratch
in the hardwood floor?
Oh. Yeah, we were
moving the couch,
and Spence buckled.
And who spilled the beer?
Again, that would be Spence.
Well, haven't we been busy?
That's great. That's
great, buddy.
That's why I don't like
you guys playing in here.
And while we're at it, let's
say bye-bye to the stogies.
Yeah!
I gotta tell ya, I'm not
seein' the difference.
Sorry about the mess out there.
But the good news
is, I'm up $11,
and that's going straight
towards your mink stole.
Uh, so, you're, uh, home
earlier than usual.
You didn't stop off for a drink
with your friend tonight?
Nope. I'm pretty sure
we're never gonna be
hanging out ever again.
W-why not?
She told my boss I was stealing
because she wants my job.
That's nothin'.
I... I gotta tell ya, car',
I think you're way
overreacting here.
The girl is a
backstabbing skank,
and I am never hanging
out with her again.
Why do you care so much, anyway?
I... I mean, I care about you.
I just care about
keeping you happy.
Oh, yeah?
Well, how 'bout we stop
chain-swallowing yodels?
That'll be a start, ok?
Will do.
Oh, and just, uh, for
my own schedule,
you're not gonna be making any
more pit stops after work, right?
You're... you're
coming straight home?
Yep.
I'm home.
Hey, who's thirsty?
Oh, it's great, Spence.
I started this apple
Martini hour.
She couldn't love it more.
Every night she comes
home from work,
we have cocktails,
and all of a sudden,
I'm maj. Nelson and
she's my Jeannie.
No, no, no. You can't be maj.
Healey.
I gotta go.
Hey, baby.
Ooh!
It's the I.P.S. Man.
At your service.
You got a package for me?
I might.
And did I happen to mention we
guarantee on-time delivery?
Well, I will be the
judge of that.
Hey! I was thinking.
We should get one of those
big flat-screen t.V.S
for the bedroom.
I think I just delivered
my package early.
Oh, sorry to interrupt
your all-too-public
lovemaking session,
but I must take out the trash.
Thanks, Arthur.
You'll be happy to know, I'm
throwing away an egg carton
which would be a wonderful
organizer for my pills.
But I guess I'll just leave them
lying Willy-nilly on the dryer.
You know what, dad?
Keep your carton.
Really?
Yeah. You're a little
pack rat, and I love ya.
Well, file this under
"c" for curve ball.
Evening, Louis.
Hi, Arthur.
By the way, I believe
we have a mutual friend
in Joe weider.
You a vodka man, Arthur?
Oh, no, not me. For some reason,
Douglas has started making
cocktails every night
when Carrie gets home.
Really?
I never thought
he'd go this far.
What are you talking about?
He told me he likes
her better drunk.
Are you telling me he's
been pouring vodka
down my little girl's throat
just to make her what he wants?
Is that why she's
suddenly become
this sweet little powder puff
without an ounce of gumption
or will of her own?
Hey, there.
Hi!
Cocktails are served!
Well, the truth is, Hemingway
wanted to be faulkner,
and faulkner wanted to be Hemingway.
My opinion?
Neither could hold a
candle to Fitzgerald.
But then again, he had
to live with Zelda.
I don't know what
he's talking about,
but he's got a piece of cheese in
his mustache that's cracking me up!
This is fun, isn't it?
Just plain fun!
Yes, it reminds me of the time
when drinking was smart
and sophisticated,
not the ugly thing
that it's become.
Well, thanks for putting
out this whole platter.
You know what I haven't
told you in a while?
You're a great dad.
Well, darling, I don't know
what to say, except...
Let me give you a refill.
Wait, whoa! Whoa! Take it easy now.
Take it easy now.
Hey, Arthur, instead,
why don't you tell us
another little story...
Oh! Blah, blah, blah, blah!
Come on! I'm bored!
Let's go do something.
I... you know, it's just that
I gotta be up for work early.
I wanna be sharp tomorrow.
Yeah, sign here for
this package, ma'am.
Gotta be sharp for that.
Come on, and let's
do something fun!
Like what?
Watch out, coming to your left.
Nice job refilling her drink.
Good choice.
Hey! Excuse me.
Whoop!
I'm gonna get her, ok?
Uh, car', come on! Time to go, car'.
All right?
Oh, ok. Ok.
But, honey, you have to
catch me first, though.
Carrie! Carrie!
Carrie!
Carrie, could you stop please?
Carrie, this is not funny!
Ok, come on? Ok?
Hey, guys.
Hey, Lou. Hey, snowball.
So, uh, what's going on?
Nothing much. Just getting
back from skating.
Little lady's pretty tuckered out.
Good night.
That's it. That's it.
I-I'm pulling the plug
on cocktail hour.
What? Why?
Because wh-what we're doing
here, I-it's just not right.
This isn't a moral issue.
It's a dosage issue.
This is how we learn.
It's over, Arthur.
But these last few days
have been some of the
best of my life.
I won't go back to
the way it was.
I'll die first.
You don't think I've
been loving it, too?
You think I wanna go
back to eating sensibly?
Douglas, we're in too deep to
turn back, and you know it.
I don't know, Arthur. I...
I just don't know.
Come on. Let's not
lose our heads.
We'll go back to
one drink a night.
It'll be fine.
Stay the course, man.
Stay the course!
Remind me to get more vodka.
Hey, Lou.
Oh, hey. How's it going?
Oh, all right. I've had
a headache all day.
Little too much to
drink last night.
Carrie?
We need to talk.
Hey!
Hey! Just in time!
Oh, look at you 2! You
are such sweeties.
Oh, thank you.
Mmm. This is good.
You know what?
Suddenly I feel less bitchy
and easier to live with.
Oh, God.
I know what you've been
doing with these Martinis!
What? Has he been
getting us drunk
to change our personalities?
How dare you?
I just do not believe you.
Would you let me explain?
What's there to explain?
Just say, "I prefer
my wife drunk."
No, no, not drunk.
More like, sober plus.
I didn't mean for it to happen like this.
You know that.
It's just that you went
out with your friend,
and you had a drink, and I
couldn't help but notice
how it brought out all your
wonderful, natural qualities.
And... and p.S.,
God's honest truth?
You were a delight.
I should've suspected something.
I mean, you don't
even like Martinis.
I'm so stupid.
Actually, I've been
drinking gatorade.
What?
Damn it!
Look, let me ask you this, Doug.
Am I that hard to be around
without a drink in me?
I mean, am I that unpleasant?
No.
You are so full of crap.
Come on, Carrie. I'm sorry.
You know I love you. I
love you however you are:
Drunk, sober, mean, nice.
Oh, that's sweet, honey.
And I love you however you are:
Fat, really fat, lose 5
pounds, but still fat.
You know what?
Y-your hurtful comment
just made a point for me.
What are you talking about?
You don't really like
who I am, either.
Y-you're trying to change me
with this whole diet thing.
How do you think
that makes me feel?
Doug, I am not trying
to keep you drunk.
I am trying to help
you live to see 40.
It still hurts.
Look, I... I... I don't wanna
fight with you, ok? I mean...
How about this?
How 'bout we both stop
trying to change each other,
'cause I think we learned
that that doesn't work.
Huh? Come on, now.
What do you say?
Or how about this:
I do nothing, and you change
everything about
you I don't like.
Okey-doke.
All right.
What?
Hey, we're here to
watch the game.
Yeah. No.
I'm still not seein' it.
♪
I'm out here!
What are you doin'
out on the porch?
Just takin' in the evening.
What is this, mayberry?
Come on out. Join me.
It's a beautiful night. Look...
look, you can see the big bopper.
It is kinda nice.
Ain't it? Yeah.
Oh, look, Mrs. Chang's
lettin' her cat in.
Oh, yeah, she loves
that little tabby, huh?
Hey, check it out. The garrisons
got some new trash cans.
Oh, yeah.
Wheels on 'em.
Hey, couple young fellas down
there, shootin' the breeze.
Yeah.
Oh, look.
One of them just took
out a wad of cash.
Now the other one's taking it
and giving him a little baggie.
Oh, my God, they
just looked at us!
Hey, babe.
Hey.
Where's, uh...
Where's breakfast?
Comin' right up.
Slimtime morning meal 1-a.
Kill me now.
Doug, you agreed to
start your diet today.
The doctor said your cholesterol
was through the roof.
But maybe he meant
that in a good way,
like, you know, "through
the roof, whoop-whoop!
Whoop-whoop!"
Listen, I paid for 8
weeks of these meals,
so this diet is happening.
So no more wing
night at coopers,
no more poker with the guys...
No more poker? Why not?
Because you always pig out!
I do not!
Doug, you once told me you only played
poker because it adds excitement
to your eating.
Excuse me for embracing life.
Come on, honey, trust me.
Once you start losing weight,
you will feel much better.
Now, come on, you have a
great little meal here.
Mmm, smells good.
And the guy at the
diet center said...
I'm done.
You are not done,
you still got your little
meat thingie there.
Oh, yeah, that little
stamp of ham. Ok.
Can I at least
have some mustard?
Yeah, go crazy.
Dad, what are you doin'?
This is a perfectly
good container.
Why are you throwing it out?
Because when I buy
margarine again,
I'm pretty sure
they're gonna give me
another container
to take it home in.
All I know is this would
make a lovely holder
for my collection of
civil war bullets.
And all I know is,
downstairs you have a
million empty boxes,
jell-o cups, vaporub jars,
and nothing in any of 'em!
You looked through
my private things?
Shame on you!
Doug, what are you doin'?
Answer me.
I can't find the mustard.
Doug! What?
Oh, God, it's like I'm
living with toddlers here.
Ok, listen to me. I am
coming home late tonight.
In the meantime,
you stay out of the garbage,
and you stay out of
the big, cold box,
do you understand
what mommy is saying?
Yes, ma'am.
Ok, good. I'll see you tonight.
You know, when I
gave her to you,
she was sweet as pie.
Gets smaller when you cook it.
Huh.
Oh, God.
Hello, Douglas.
Hey, Arthur, uh...
What you, uh...
What you got there?
Pizza pie.
Good for you.
Mmm.
Ohh!
All right.
You're gonna have
to stop doin' that.
I can't help it. This
is delicious pizza.
Ok, if I hear one
more "mmm" or "ahh,"
I'm comin' at you hard.
You hear?
Gotcha.
Ooh! That's it!
Get up, short stuff!
Hit the stairs!
Fine.
I shouldn't have to eat in fear!
God, please be a prowler.
You are so busted, mister!
I didn't mean to cheat!
Arthur left me here
alone with this pizza,
and I... I... I blacked out, and
when I came to, I was eating her.
Weird.
Well,
it's mine now.
I will eat this,
and you eat whatever
that is there,
because you are sticking to
your diet, my buddy friend.
Fine.
Oh, have your stupid pizza.
Really?
Yeah.
You're not just baiting me
like the time you told me
I could get the porn channel,
then said I disgust you?
No.
Go ahead. I know you love it.
Ok, then.
Pizza, pizza, pizza.
So where you been tonight?
Oh, um, there's a new secretary
on our floor,
and after work, we
went out for a drink.
A drink.
Did you, now?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, we ordered one of
those apple Martinis.
They are so good!
Little cocktail, God bless.
Mm-hmm.
Ooh. You gonna have
some garlic bread?
As a matter of fact, I am.
Ok, open for $2.
I'll see you and raise $5.
Raise $5, huh, Lou?
Methinks the next-door
neighbor to scare everyone out
with a big, bad bluff.
So, you in, or you out?
Oh, I'm out.
It's to you, Danny.
Well, he's not scarin' me.
I call.
What do you got, big guy?
A pair of 10s.
Straight to the ace!
Oh!
Oh, yeah! Sorry,
Ferrigno, don't get mad.
Oh, I think he's turning
a little green.
Hey, if that shirt starts
rippin', I'm outta here!
I was told there'd
be no hulk jokes.
New guy.
All right, we got cheese
in a can, cheese in a jar,
and for those of you eating
lighter, pork rinds.
Wait, I thought Carrie was
making you go on a diet.
Yeah, what's up?
She seen you in your
underwear and just give up?
Nope. Things have
changed around here.
I eat what I want,
I play poker when I want,
and I scratch where I want.
All because Carrie discovered
the apple Martini.
Huh?
Yeah. Every night now, she goes out for
a drink with this other secretary,
and I get
"after-6:00-happy-Carrie."
Oh, get outta here, man.
No, I'm serious. She's sweet.
She's funny.
She's frisky!
It's all the beautiful
qualities I married her for
without the unpleasant
aftertaste.
But, Doug,
isn't it better to love the
person for who they really are,
not when they're made
artificially nicer by alcohol.
You're adorable.
Hey, evening, sweet cakes.
What's up, Carrie?
Do me a favor. Take a
look at Lou's cards
and blink twice if he, uh,
can beat a pair of Jacks.
What are you doin'?
What? You... you
said we could play.
Yeah, in the garage.
Well, it's, it's kinda cold
out there, and there's a car.
So you just decided
to come in here
and put a huge scratch
in the hardwood floor?
Oh. Yeah, we were
moving the couch,
and Spence buckled.
And who spilled the beer?
Again, that would be Spence.
Well, haven't we been busy?
That's great. That's
great, buddy.
That's why I don't like
you guys playing in here.
And while we're at it, let's
say bye-bye to the stogies.
Yeah!
I gotta tell ya, I'm not
seein' the difference.
Sorry about the mess out there.
But the good news
is, I'm up $11,
and that's going straight
towards your mink stole.
Uh, so, you're, uh, home
earlier than usual.
You didn't stop off for a drink
with your friend tonight?
Nope. I'm pretty sure
we're never gonna be
hanging out ever again.
W-why not?
She told my boss I was stealing
because she wants my job.
That's nothin'.
I... I gotta tell ya, car',
I think you're way
overreacting here.
The girl is a
backstabbing skank,
and I am never hanging
out with her again.
Why do you care so much, anyway?
I... I mean, I care about you.
I just care about
keeping you happy.
Oh, yeah?
Well, how 'bout we stop
chain-swallowing yodels?
That'll be a start, ok?
Will do.
Oh, and just, uh, for
my own schedule,
you're not gonna be making any
more pit stops after work, right?
You're... you're
coming straight home?
Yep.
I'm home.
Hey, who's thirsty?
Oh, it's great, Spence.
I started this apple
Martini hour.
She couldn't love it more.
Every night she comes
home from work,
we have cocktails,
and all of a sudden,
I'm maj. Nelson and
she's my Jeannie.
No, no, no. You can't be maj.
Healey.
I gotta go.
Hey, baby.
Ooh!
It's the I.P.S. Man.
At your service.
You got a package for me?
I might.
And did I happen to mention we
guarantee on-time delivery?
Well, I will be the
judge of that.
Hey! I was thinking.
We should get one of those
big flat-screen t.V.S
for the bedroom.
I think I just delivered
my package early.
Oh, sorry to interrupt
your all-too-public
lovemaking session,
but I must take out the trash.
Thanks, Arthur.
You'll be happy to know, I'm
throwing away an egg carton
which would be a wonderful
organizer for my pills.
But I guess I'll just leave them
lying Willy-nilly on the dryer.
You know what, dad?
Keep your carton.
Really?
Yeah. You're a little
pack rat, and I love ya.
Well, file this under
"c" for curve ball.
Evening, Louis.
Hi, Arthur.
By the way, I believe
we have a mutual friend
in Joe weider.
You a vodka man, Arthur?
Oh, no, not me. For some reason,
Douglas has started making
cocktails every night
when Carrie gets home.
Really?
I never thought
he'd go this far.
What are you talking about?
He told me he likes
her better drunk.
Are you telling me he's
been pouring vodka
down my little girl's throat
just to make her what he wants?
Is that why she's
suddenly become
this sweet little powder puff
without an ounce of gumption
or will of her own?
Hey, there.
Hi!
Cocktails are served!
Well, the truth is, Hemingway
wanted to be faulkner,
and faulkner wanted to be Hemingway.
My opinion?
Neither could hold a
candle to Fitzgerald.
But then again, he had
to live with Zelda.
I don't know what
he's talking about,
but he's got a piece of cheese in
his mustache that's cracking me up!
This is fun, isn't it?
Just plain fun!
Yes, it reminds me of the time
when drinking was smart
and sophisticated,
not the ugly thing
that it's become.
Well, thanks for putting
out this whole platter.
You know what I haven't
told you in a while?
You're a great dad.
Well, darling, I don't know
what to say, except...
Let me give you a refill.
Wait, whoa! Whoa! Take it easy now.
Take it easy now.
Hey, Arthur, instead,
why don't you tell us
another little story...
Oh! Blah, blah, blah, blah!
Come on! I'm bored!
Let's go do something.
I... you know, it's just that
I gotta be up for work early.
I wanna be sharp tomorrow.
Yeah, sign here for
this package, ma'am.
Gotta be sharp for that.
Come on, and let's
do something fun!
Like what?
Watch out, coming to your left.
Nice job refilling her drink.
Good choice.
Hey! Excuse me.
Whoop!
I'm gonna get her, ok?
Uh, car', come on! Time to go, car'.
All right?
Oh, ok. Ok.
But, honey, you have to
catch me first, though.
Carrie! Carrie!
Carrie!
Carrie, could you stop please?
Carrie, this is not funny!
Ok, come on? Ok?
Hey, guys.
Hey, Lou. Hey, snowball.
So, uh, what's going on?
Nothing much. Just getting
back from skating.
Little lady's pretty tuckered out.
Good night.
That's it. That's it.
I-I'm pulling the plug
on cocktail hour.
What? Why?
Because wh-what we're doing
here, I-it's just not right.
This isn't a moral issue.
It's a dosage issue.
This is how we learn.
It's over, Arthur.
But these last few days
have been some of the
best of my life.
I won't go back to
the way it was.
I'll die first.
You don't think I've
been loving it, too?
You think I wanna go
back to eating sensibly?
Douglas, we're in too deep to
turn back, and you know it.
I don't know, Arthur. I...
I just don't know.
Come on. Let's not
lose our heads.
We'll go back to
one drink a night.
It'll be fine.
Stay the course, man.
Stay the course!
Remind me to get more vodka.
Hey, Lou.
Oh, hey. How's it going?
Oh, all right. I've had
a headache all day.
Little too much to
drink last night.
Carrie?
We need to talk.
Hey!
Hey! Just in time!
Oh, look at you 2! You
are such sweeties.
Oh, thank you.
Mmm. This is good.
You know what?
Suddenly I feel less bitchy
and easier to live with.
Oh, God.
I know what you've been
doing with these Martinis!
What? Has he been
getting us drunk
to change our personalities?
How dare you?
I just do not believe you.
Would you let me explain?
What's there to explain?
Just say, "I prefer
my wife drunk."
No, no, not drunk.
More like, sober plus.
I didn't mean for it to happen like this.
You know that.
It's just that you went
out with your friend,
and you had a drink, and I
couldn't help but notice
how it brought out all your
wonderful, natural qualities.
And... and p.S.,
God's honest truth?
You were a delight.
I should've suspected something.
I mean, you don't
even like Martinis.
I'm so stupid.
Actually, I've been
drinking gatorade.
What?
Damn it!
Look, let me ask you this, Doug.
Am I that hard to be around
without a drink in me?
I mean, am I that unpleasant?
No.
You are so full of crap.
Come on, Carrie. I'm sorry.
You know I love you. I
love you however you are:
Drunk, sober, mean, nice.
Oh, that's sweet, honey.
And I love you however you are:
Fat, really fat, lose 5
pounds, but still fat.
You know what?
Y-your hurtful comment
just made a point for me.
What are you talking about?
You don't really like
who I am, either.
Y-you're trying to change me
with this whole diet thing.
How do you think
that makes me feel?
Doug, I am not trying
to keep you drunk.
I am trying to help
you live to see 40.
It still hurts.
Look, I... I... I don't wanna
fight with you, ok? I mean...
How about this?
How 'bout we both stop
trying to change each other,
'cause I think we learned
that that doesn't work.
Huh? Come on, now.
What do you say?
Or how about this:
I do nothing, and you change
everything about
you I don't like.
Okey-doke.
All right.
What?
Hey, we're here to
watch the game.
Yeah. No.
I'm still not seein' it.
♪