The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 18 - Hero Worship - full transcript

Hon, there's a charge
on our credit card bill

for $88.50 for n.M.G. What is that?
"N.M.G."?

Maybe, uh, "nut Meg groceries"?

Ok, first of all,
nutmeg is one word,

and, even more importantly,

what the hell is
"nut Meg groceries"?

Ok. Y-y-you know, y-you don't promote
teamwork when you trash my input.

I'm calling the
credit card company.

What is taking so long
with those sandwiches?

Excuse me. I'm an artist.

Let me paint my picture,



with bacon.

For a question about
your bill, press one.

No, no, no, no. Don't
press any buttons.

What?

You make believe you
have a dial phone.

It gets you right through
to the operator.

Really? Yeah.

It's the telephone equivalent of
the handicapped parking sticker.

God love you, you got savvy.

Yeah. You know what else I got?

Lunchy.

Hallelujah.

Lunch!

Ohh, great.



Your little plan backfired.

Now I'm in voice-prompt hell.

2.

Come on out! Lunch!

Hiya, kids! Hey.

Uncle stu, how you doin'?

In honor of your visit, I
made one of my specialties.

I hope you like b.L.T.'S.

Ooh, I couldn't love 'em more.

One.

English.

What's that all about?

I don't know. That's how
she talks on the phone.

You know, it was really nice
for Arthur to let me stay

in his room while he was away.

You all right down there?

Are you kiddin' me? It's
like stayin' in a hotel.

You know what that man did?

He left me a mint on my pillow.

Actually, that might've fallen out
of his mouth while he was napping.

You're a rascal, you know that?

Mmm.

Wow.

You know,

this might be the best
thing I've ever eaten.

Hey, dad. What's up, Doug?

Hey, Danny. Taste this sandwich.

Uh, I... I just ate.

Taste it!

Dad, do you want to sell
your condo, or not?

We got the realtor
meetin' us at 1:30.

Look, your cousin made this sandwich.
Take a bite.

So?

It's good.

It's good? It's just good?

It's great, ok, dad? What
do you want from me?

Well, let me tell you somethin'.

If your pizzas were half
as good as this sandwich,

maybe your shop wouldn't
have gone under.

My biggest fan here.

Can we just go?

Ok, ok.

Dougie, have you got a
baggie for this ambrosia?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

Ah, zip-loc. The best.

Yeah.

Dougie, I'm gonna see you
at work tomorrow, right?

Ride in your truck?

Sure.

Hey, thanks. Here you go.

I'll see ya. Ok.

Take care now. Yeah.

I work at I.P.S. Too, dad.

Hey, look at this.

We're higher than the s.U.V.'S,

and that's really
sayin' somethin'.

Ah, Dougie, you're
king of the road.

I'm just so proud of you, Doug,

what you've done for yourself.

Well, thanks a lot, Uncle St...

I know your father was
always ridin' you

to take over his hardware store.

Yeah. It wasn't for me.

I always knew there was
somethin' better out there.

Well, you see, son,
caulk and spackle

are actually pretty different.

Then, of course, there's putty

which is a whole 'nother
animal completely.

I have a package for you.

Come on, Dougie. Pay attention.

For example, if you have
a hole in your wall,

that's a spackle job.

Got your sandwiches.

So what you're saying is what you really
want to do is run a sandwich shop?

Yeah, you know when you're a
kid you have crazy dreams,

but this... this... This here...
this is fine.

Heffernan?

Uh, y-yes, Mr. O'Boyle?

What's goin' on?

That star wars pinball
machine was supposed

to be delivered before noon.

Uh, y-yes, sir. I'm sorry. I'm
just running a little late.

Yeah? We'll I'm here fielding
some very angry phone calls

from some very geeky people.

Put down the doughnuts
and start driving, huh?

Ok.

Doughnuts.

He kids me about my weight.

We laugh. We do.

Damn it, I can't hold my tongue.

You shouldn't let that
man boss you around.

It is my boss. It's,
it's in the title.

But is he smarter than you?
Is he better than you?

Testing.

Mr. O'Boyle?

No, he's not. No.

You know what you should do?

You should open that sandwich
shop, and work for yourself.

What? Yeah.

You shouldn't have to take
any orders from this idiot.

You should be taking sandwich
orders from your customers.

That's your dream.
That's your gift.

I... I... I couldn't do that.

Hey.

Your clothes are everywhere.
What happened?

They explode off your body?

What are you doin'?

Thinking.

About sports or boobies?

Neither. Sandwiches.

How did I leave that out?

Not sandwiches to eat.

I'm thinkin' about
sandwiches as a way of life.

You know my thing, how I
always wanted to open

my own sandwich shop.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you haven't
talked about that for a while.

You think that's somethin' I
can do, you know, someday?

Sure.

Really?

Yeah, my man can do anything
he puts his mind to.

Hey, you thought about
taping your remote controls

to that ping-pong paddle so
you wouldn't lose 'em, right?

I did, didn't I?

How great would it be? We get...

We get free sandwiches
whenever we wanted, free soda.

There'd be a TV there.
You'd put the game on.

Sounds a lot like downstairs.

But I'm with you. I'm with you.

You know what I
think I should do?

I... I should start putting a
few dollars away each week.

You know, maybe sell my bike.

I don't think that triathlon
thing's gonna shake out.

And then a few years
down the line,

really try and get this thing
off the ground, you know?

"Doug's: A place
for sandwiches."

You know, you're kinda sexy

when you talk all
ambitious and stuff.

Really?

Did I happen to mention that
I'm bottomless right now?

Passes it to Anderson in the corner.
They get to spread it out.

Doug, would you mind
cracking my back?

Very much.

Come on. Stand up. Stand up.

We go back to back. We
interlock arms, and you lift.

All right, just so you know,
this is the last time

our asses will ever touch.

Oh, yeah!

There it is.

Crack!

Oh. Oh!

Whoo!

Now, I'm gonna lie
on my stomach and...

We're done.

Hey, kids, I got great news.

That Korean couple
bought my condo.

Hey! Congratulations.

I did great on the sale.

They didn't want me to paint it
or fix the plumbing or anything.

They missed all the problems.

Nice work, dad.

Yeah. But the bigger news
is after I left my realtor,

I went past the falafel joint.
It was for lease.

Ok.

So, guess what I'm gonna
do with my windfall?

I'm gonna back you, Dougie.

S-s-sorry. W-what?

Yeah, so you can open
your sandwich shop.

You're the talent.
I'm the money.

Great.

Really? I... I was...
I was thinkin'

I'd do that down the
line somewhere.

"Down the line"?

Dougie, you're young.
You're strong.

You'll never be able to make better
sandwiches than you can right now.

Wow. Maybe you're right.

This is... the whole thing we
were talkin' about last night.

It can actually happen.

Yeah.

Yay.

But... but, honey, we
can't take stu's money.

That's his nest egg.

What else am I gonna do with it?

Come on, Doug. What do you say?

I... I... I don't
know what to say.

Except white, wheat, or rye?

That's my brother's boy.

Possible name for Italian sub:

The hammy aiello.

Call Danny's people.
Get that set up.

Hey, honey, what
are you doin' up?

I... I couldn't sleep. I got all
these ideas I had to get 'em down.

Everybody loves egg nog.
Serve it all year 'round.

Huh? Great.

Carrie, it's amazing.

All these ideas are just
channeling through me.

I don't even know where
they're comin' from.

Oh! Halloween special,
the Herman munster.

See what just happened?

Yeah, ok, well, you got all
the funny sandwich names down

but how you doin' with, like,
learning about bookkeeping,

in-insurance, state licensing.

Squagel. I'm sorry. What?

A squagel, a square bagel.
A squa...

A squagel and a schmear.

Uh-huh.

"Squagel." Ok, I like "squagel,"

but, um, can we talk for a
minute about your squacheck?

I mean,

you... you gonna do this whole thing
while still workin' at I.P.S.

I mean, what's... I
didn't tell you all this?

No.

I looked into it, and
the union allows you

to take 6 months off unpaid.

No pay, huh?

I... I know it's scary.
I'm a little scared, too,

but you know how I know
it's gonna work out?

Because of you. Me?

Yeah. All these years
you've been on me

about takin' more
initiative and everything.

Have I? Yeah.

You know, all that "get
off your fat ass" stuff.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Well, if you'll notice,
I am off said fat ass

and she's a-stayin' airborne,

and it's all thanks to you.

That's sweet, honey.

So, in appreciation,
I present to you,

the Carrie.

Wow. What's in it?

Eye makeup and a pickle.

I'm kidding.

It's good. Try it, Carrie.

Taste "the Carrie."

Hmm.

Ok.

Huh? Huh?

Mmm-hmm. I'm yummy.

Wait till you try
yourself on a squagel.

Hey, guys. Hey, Carrie

find a good game.
Ah, we got killed.

I never seen a hasidic
kid dunk before.

Moisheh got game.

So, uh, what you got going on tonight?
You got a hot date?

No, it's rough out there.
I got nothin'.

Well, your fortune's
gonna change

once I open my sandwich shop.

Oh, yeah? How's that?

Because you'll be
in with the owner,

meaning, you can just duck down

and grab a soda
whenever you want.

Chicks dig that.

Sounds like it's gonna be
a swingin' joint, my man.

Let's get this party started.

All right, bro. I'm
gonna take a shower.

Is it ok if I use your loofah?

I promise not to use it on
the parts we discussed.

That's fine, hon.

All right. See ya, nephew.

Deacon, listen, we don't
have a lot of time.

I just want to ask you a
question off the record.

Do you really think that Doug
can run his own sandwich shop?

Sure. Really?

And be successful?

Oh, no.

Then what are you
encouraging him for?

Because I'm his best friend. I
tell him what he wants to hear

like when he asked me if he
looked good in those overalls

you were the one who
told him they look good.

He wore those for
an entire summer!

I... I don't know.
Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe he can pull it off.
He makes a good sandwich.

Deacon, he has no
business sense.

I mean, he wants to stick
ads on traffic signs.

"Stop at Doug's."

That could cause
fatal accidents.

Thank you. That's why you
have to talk to him.

Look, I'm not talkin' to him.

Deacon, you have to.

If... if you can see the future, it's
your responsibility to change it.

It's like shooting baby Hitler.

Wait a minute. You're his wife.
Why don't you tell him?

Because I'm already on record
saying I believe in him.

Well, why'd you do that?

Because it's like
when your kid says,

he wants to be president,
you don't say,

"no, Tommy. You're a moron."

You encourage him because you don't
think it's ever gonna happen.

Well, I got news for you.

Tommy's running for president.

Not if you stop him.

Look, why me?

Please, I can't hurt his
feelings like this.

I mean, he's naming a
sandwich after me.

So? He already named
one after me.

The Deacon: Pastrami, corned beef,
Swiss cheese, French dressing.

I gotta level with you. Sounds a lot
like the Spence without the onions.

Deacon, come on. He's meeting
with the man tomorrow.

He's gonna sign a lease.
I'm running out of time.

I'll tell you what, if the
overalls make a comeback,

I'll be the bad guy,
the best I can do.

I already burned them!

So, the soda machine
works perfectly.

And there's a brand-new
co2 cartridge in there.

Co2? Not bad.

Hey, honey, check it out. I'm wiping down
the counter after a hard day's work, huh?

That's great, honey. Hey, sorry, kids.
We're closed,

but, hey, stay off the drugs!

Just keep me laughing,
Dougie, that's all I ask.

All right. I guess I'm ready to put
a little bet on a horse called me.

Where do I sign?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't you wanna ask a few
more questions first?

Like what? Like which soda
distributor gives you the best deal.

How do you calculate
your payroll taxes?

Do you offer your part-time
employees health insurance?

I happen to know a few things
about the restaurant business.

Yeah, ok. Well, I'll be sure
to read the book you wrote,

especially chapter 11.

I kid, man. I kid out of love.

Come with me to the back, guys.

I'll show you the storage area.

Then we can get the
paperwork going.

Ok.

This must be tough for you.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm sure you
have a million ideas

for great businesses,

and here, your own father's
giving Doug all his money.

That... that can't feel good.

Well, you know, his money.

I'm happy for Doug.

Oh, yeah, me, too.

But what about
Danny in all this?

When is it Danny's turn?

What can I do, anyway?

I don't know. I
guess if it was me,

I would talk to my father
before that lease got signed.

I'd say,

"dad, I'm your son, damn it.

Back me and not Doug."

But, you know, whatever.
It's none of my business.

I can't, ok?

I'm gonna go wait outside.

Well, the back area
seems to be in order,

by the way, I just learned who
we're sharing the dumpster with,

the corrective shoe king.

Yeah, I just saw his highness
out in the alley taking a leak.

He's marvelous.

All right, I got all the papers.

Per your request, the
meat spit will stay.

So if you're ready to sign.

All right, let's do it. Great.

Wait, wait! Um,

Doug, can I just talk to
you in there for one sec?

Ok.

What's going on?

I... I gotta be
honest with you, ok.

I really don't have a good
feeling about this place.

What? Why?

Well, first of all,
what is that smell?

What smell?

Whoo! You're not gettin' that?

It smells like something
just died in here.

Carrie, what... what's
really goin' on?

Ok, well, first, let me say,

I love you a whole lot.

Dad, I'm your son, damn it.

Back me and not Doug.

Me? The prob... The
problem is me?

Look, it's not you in general.

It's you in this situation.

You said you believed in me.
So I guess that stuff about,

"you can do anything
you set your mind to,"

that was a big bunch of crap?

Crap is a strong word.
It was more like hooey.

Ok, well, you know what?
This is a real eye-opener.

My wife doesn't believe in me.
Hmm!

Doug, it's not just you.

Come on, I couldn't be
everything I wanted to be.

I could never be an astronaut.

Uh-huh, ok, so me making
a go of a sandwich shop

is as likely as you walking
on the surface of the moon.

Ok.

Listen to me, you have a
million great qualities,

just not the sharpest
business sense.

Really? Well, we'll
just see about that.

What's... what's going on?

Oh...

Dougie, I can't back
your sandwich shop.

What?

I'm so sorry, but I'm
gonna go with Danny

because he's my son,

and I love him.

And I love you.

I know.

So come on, son.

Let's go talk about
your new ideas.

I'd like that, dad.

I'll see you tonight, kids.

Oh, hey, Carrie, thanks
for making this happen.

Well, I think I finally figured
out what the smell is.

The stink of betrayal.

I can't run a business.

I was born to run a business.

Dougie, watch the counter.

I gotta finish unpackin' these
faucet handles back here.

Is this coupon still valid?

I need to return this, but
I don't have a receipt.

Can you take it off
my charge card,

or do I have to get
a store credit?

This car key works fine.

Now, let's see, that's 76 cents.
Here's $1.01.

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

That's 2 dimes you just gave me.

I gave you $1.01.

You understand? $1.01.

Face on a cap.

Face on a cap.

Face on a cap!