The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 17 - Missing Links - full transcript

Well, it was a blockbuster day

for the Pittsburgh pirates,

as they acquired the rights to
college phenom Ari berenson...

A question about the eyepatch:

How come so many pirates
had their eyes poked out?

What was goin' on back then?

Well, a lot of them

had those hook hands, right?

So maybe the first day or 2

before he got used to
his new hook hand,

he'd just go to rub
his eye and just...



Just poke that bad
boy right out.

But how'd they get
the hook hands?

Probably from shakin'
hands with a pirate

who already had one.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

Hey, car'.

Uh, Doug. Can I talk
to you for a sec?

Peg legs.

Work on some answers.

What's up?

Well, we've got a
little situation here.

My boss just gave me our tickets

for this year's
employee golf day thing

at briarwood.



Yes!

"Your foursome will
be our special guests

"for an all-expenses paid day

at New York's finest private
golf club and spa."

Ok. Before you wet yourself,

may I remind you that
we have this tradition

of taking Deacon and Kelly?

Oh, my God. You're right.

Yeah, so what do we do now
that they're split up?

Do we just not go this year?

What? No, no, no. We have to go.

This is briarwood.

If I was gonna cheat on
you with a piece of land,

it would be briarwood.

What, you don't
think I wanna go?

If I could cheat on you
with a massage therapist,

it would be Justin at briarwood.

Ok. Technically,
mine was impossible.

Yours has a name.

Shouldn't we invite
Deacon anyway

and just play as a threesome?

No, this is a couples thing.

You remember how
great it used to be?

You and Deacon were all
intense, bettin' on the scores,

and Kelly and I would
be playing crappy golf,

making fun of everybody.

Oh, my God.

You remember last year,
she actually shot a 300?

That included
picking up the ball

and throwing it a
few times, too.

Well, she's gone, and
he's in our living room.

What should we do?

Hey, Arthur, Holly.

Greetings to you, Mr. Palmer.

Hey, Deacon.

Holly, if you have a moment,
I'll go get you that book.

Oh, sure, sure. I'll wait.

So, uh, hey, Deacon. When
are you gonna get a dog?

Huh? Oh, I think if I got a dog,

my wife would probably
wind up taking half.

The good half.

Yeah, yeah.

I heard about that,
that divorce thing.

I'm... I'm kind of in
the same situation.

You're divorced?

Me? No, no, no, no.

It's just, you know, I'm... I'm
not, I'm not with anybody,

you know, which is the
same situation you're in,

you know, minus the rage.

Here you go.

This is the real story of why
Martin and Lewis broke up.

This guy got it right.

Oh. Well, thanks a lot, Arthur.

See you tomorrow, doll.

Ok.

Bye, Deacon.

All right. Take it easy.

So, what's it gonna be, bub?

I don't know.

Well, take the ticket
out of your mouth.

You're chewin' off
the lamination.

Even their lamination
tastes good.

How do you do it, briarwood?

Oh.

Uh.

L-look, I don't want you guys
to feel awkward about this,

so just, um, just
invite another couple.

It-it's fine.

Really? I mean, we'd be happy to
do it with just you, sweetie.

Yeah, you know what?
Let's do that.

No, no, don't even worry about it.
Look, I'm... I'm chillin',

I'm just gonna grab a beer,

and, uh, you know, it's cool.

It's cool.

Oh, yeah.

Ok. What about the wallaces?

Hate 'em.

You hate the wallaces? Why?

Well, let's start with this,

they're both loaded
with freckles.

They're perfectly fine
to play golf with.

Ok. Fine. Invite 'em, then.

Actually, you know what? I
kind of hate them, too.

Um, oh, the glickmans.

Who are they again?

From our old apartment building.

She's 40. He's, like, 26.

Pass.

Well, we're kinda running
out of options here, bub.

Come on. We can do this. We
can find another couple.

Our phone book just can't be
a list of people we hate.

Got it. The kelsos.

Who?

From kelso's chicken wrap.

They're very nice people.

They always give me, like,
a million extra napkins.

Hon', not sure providing
us with take-out

makes them great golf buddies.

Well, I guess that rules
out the fung lees.

Man, Deacon and Kelly
were our couple.

They were it.

We just fit.

Yeah.

You know, it's true
what they say.

"Divorce is hardest
on the best friends."

"Hardest on the kids."

Please.

They get presents.

So, um,

who are you guys inviting
to this golf thing?

I don't know. Probably
Eddie dugan and his wife.

Ah.

Did you get a tee-time
yet or, uh...

Why are you doin'
this to yourself?

I don't know. I'm sorry.

Look, we can still play as a threesome.
It'll be fine.

No. No threesome.

I'm sorry I even brought it up.

Excuse me, can I
borrow your salt?

Hey, take the pepper, too.
It can't survive on its own.

Have 'em back by closin' time.

That's funny.

You guys are funny.

Hey, hon'.

What are you so happy about?

We met someone.

Carrie!

I'm almost ready!
Stop rushing me!

Where are my wiffle golf balls?

I don't know!

What was that?

Arthur!

Car', come on. Deac'
just pulled up.

I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm
ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.

All right. We gotta hustle.

We gotta pick up
Leslie on the way.

Oh, and by the way, you're gonna love her.
She's awesome.

Well, I'm a little
nervous to meet her.

I feel like I'm going
on a first date, too.

You know, I actually made sure
my bra and panties matched.

Is that a little weird?

I don't think it's weird.
I slapped on cologne.

I gotta tell you. I think
Leslie's the one...

For all of us.

What's up, golf enthusiast?

I can't go. What?

My baby-sitter just
called me on my cell.

She's got a family emergency.
I gotta go back home.

Oh, no. No, no. No.

Come on.

Don't you have other
baby-sitters you guys use?

Yeah. Kelly's cousin and sister.

I'm sure they'd love to cover
for me while I go on a date.

Arthur, it's Holly!
Ready to rock?

Be right up, sunshine!

Go!

Yeah, right.

Holly.

Oh, hey, Deacon. Looks like
someone's gettin' ready to go...

Yeah, I am. Listen, I
have a huge favor to ask.

Uh, you met my kids, right?

I was here with 'em last week.

Oh, sure. They're adorable.

I love the way the little one...

Yeah, it's so cute
when he does that.

Anyway, I'm supposed to
go golfing right now

with, with Doug and Carrie and
this great girl I just met,

but my, my baby-sitter
just canceled on me.

So you want me to watch your
kids while you go on a date?

Can you?

Well, no. No, no.

I mean, I'm not a baby-sitter.

You know, that's not what
I do, you know, at all.

I'm... I'm a dog-Walker.
I walk dogs.

Yeah, but you... You
walk Arthur, right?

I mean, he's like a baby if
babies were old and strange.

Yes. Yes, I... I do walk Arthur,

and actually, I have
to walk him right now.

He gets very cranky if
he doesn't get his walk

and a knish.

Well, look.

The baby-sitter can stick
around for another hour.

No. I can't do it, ok?

Ok. All right, um, all right.
S-sorry.

All right. Ok. I'll do it.

You just said...

I thought it over.
Where do you live?

Lefrak city, building
6, apartment 16 c.

I'll call the baby-sitter and
tell her you're on your way.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Man, have you ever seen so
many rich people in one place?

I feel like we're the only ones
not named "van snootington."

Van snootington.

Yeah. Everyone looks
at me like they think

they should be tipping me for
something, you know what I'm sayin'?

I do!

Ok. Looks like we
got a laugher here.

Will this chariot
do for me ladies?

Oh, it's fine, sire.

It's fine, honey. Let's go.

All right.

All right. Let's go
spank the dimples

off some little white balls.

Doug and I will grab
some scorecards.

If we're not back in 5 minutes,

it means they threw us out.

So, nice place, huh?

Yeah, it's, it's beautiful.

So you got the tickets
from your law firm?

Well, it's not
actually my law firm.

I'm just a secretary
slash bagel-fetcher.

What, what do you do?

I'm a receptionist
at a car dealership.

Oh, really?

Well, later, we'll compare notes

on all the creepy people we
have to suck up to, right?

Well, actually, everyone's
very nice where I work.

That's good. Good for you.

Let's do it.

All right. Load
'em up, move out.

All right. You any good at golf?

Me? No.

Oh, great. Me, neither.

Ok. This is officially the
crappy golfers' cart.

Whoa. That's a rocket.

Ringer.

I think we got a ringer here.

Girl outdrove me.

Stop it.

Hey.

I thought you said you
weren't that good.

Oh, I'm not.

No, I could never play on
the tour like my sister.

Ok. My turn.

2, another stinking 2?

1, 2.

How much longer do we
have to stay here?

Arthur, I told you, I
have to be here all day,

if you hadn't taken
a half an hour

to sit and eat your
ice-cream cone in the park,

I would've had time
to take you home.

Ice-cream cones are not meant
to be eaten on the move!

Actually, they are.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

3. 1, 2, 3.

Look at you putting all your
ducks in the truck, major.

Good work, buddy.

So, the fact that I'm bored to
tears means nothing to you?

Arthur, we invited you
to play trouble with us.

Your explanation of the
rules was incomprehensible.

My turn.

5.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Gotcha. You gotta go back.

Aw, I don't wanna go back.

You gotta go back,
you big cheater.

You're the cheater.
You're the cheater.

You are.

I hate it here!

Whoa. Good cut.

Just keep your head down, car'.

I will.

You know, shouldn't you guys
be hitting your own balls?

We're all on the green, babe.

Whoa. That's a big divot.

What, are you puttin'
in a hot tub?

Ok. You know what?

Why don't you guys go to the
green and I'll catch up?

You sure? 'Cause we're fine watchin' you.
Give us a little wiggle.

I'm sure.

All right.

All right. You on?

I'm on. Cheese it! The cops!

Uh, hang on!

I'm gonna try to
jump the sand trap!

So, the whole game,

Doug's just, like,
raggin' on their,

like, what, 8-foot
Lithuanian center,

kept calling him "lurch."

So, finally, the guy just whips
around and glares at me, like...

He, he did not.

This boy jumps under his seat.

He's kissin' peanut shells for
the rest of the 4th quarter.

You'd be surprised at how
many good ones were there.

Don't you think this is funny?

No. No, I do.

I just heard this story
a couple of times.

Hey, Deac', I just remembered.
Jimmy at work,

he wants to sell off part of
his season ticket package.

He's got 4 seats, right?

We should all go to a bunch
of knick games together.

That'd be awesome, huh?

Would you want to do that?

Are you kidding?
Where do I sign up?

Great. I gotta make
a quick pit stop

before we hit the back 9,

and then I got some serious
ass-whoopin' to do, my man.

Hey, the only thing that's gettin'
whooped around here is your wallet.

So pee well, my friend.

Actually, I'm gonna follow you,

'cause I need to go to
the ladies' room, too.

Oh, man. This is great, huh?

Yeah. It's fine, Doug.

I just wish you would've
talked to me first

before you hog-tied the 4
of us together for life.

What are you talkin' about?

Well, in case you
haven't noticed,

I'm not really clicking
with Leslie, here.

How can you not be clickin' with her?
She's phenomenal.

She's click-a-licious.

It's a magical foursome
we got goin', here.

No.

No, I admit you have a
magical threesome going.

You and Deacon are doing
your nightclub act,

and she's the happy
drunk in the audience.

But I'm kinda out of it, hon'.

Oh, now I get it.

You just don't like her

because she's not as bitchy
and sarcastic as Kelly.

I miss that a little, yes.

And you know why you miss it?

'Cause you don't welcome
joy into your life.

Where's your joy?
Where's your laughter?

I laugh.

No. Laughter's happy,

And that terrifies you.

Ok. You know what?

You're about to get a
melon fork in the eye.

Look, the foursome is back, ok?

You can be part of it or not.
The choice is yours.

Well, Einstein, if
I'm not part of it,

then you don't have a foursome.

You've never been wronger.

Ok. Here's a pretty easy one.

"Cat"? That's easy.

I said it was easy.

I'm just gettin' you
warmed up, buddy.

Ok. Here's a pretty tough one.

"T..."

"T-tr-tr..."

"train."

Arthur.

He was taking an eternity.

All right, can you please go
to the bedroom and watch TV?

No. There's a poster of
dizzy Gillespie in there,

and his eyes follow
me around the room.

All right. Ooh. Here's
a fun one, kirb.

"Zebra."

Arthur!

You said it was fun. Why
can't I join in the fun?

All right, will you
please stop it?

I want fish sticks.

Yeah, me, too.

All right. All right.

Uh, Arthur, could you
keep an eye on the kids?

Me? Why?

'Cause I gotta go
make fish sticks.

But I haven't looked after
a small child in years,

and according to her, I
botched it pretty badly.

You'll be... You'll be fine.

So, uh,

where do you fellas hail from?

Ow.

Crap.

Carrie?

Tina.

Hey.

How you doin'?

Oh, girl.

I hate this stupid game.

Ugh.

I think the partners just give
us these passes to torture us,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Yeah, I know what you're sayin'.

I'd be fine playing 3 holes

and layin' out on the sand
trap, gettin' some rays.

Yeah. Right.

Is Carlos here?

No, I dumped that
loser 2 weeks ago.

Just invited some girlfriends.

Hey, car'.

I, I think your ball's in the
rough about 30 yards down.

Oh, thanks.

Uh, Deacon, this
is my friend Tina.

She works with me at the firm,

and, Tina, this is
our friend Deacon.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

All right.

This is wild, you know?

2 friends who love jazz,

together in the same place?

That... What are the odds?

You're into jazz?

Um, it's ok.

What are you talkin' about?

You have that radio
on your desk.

You're always boppin' around.

Oh, that's a salsa station.

Well, it's pretty darn jazzy.

I think the point is that
you both listen to music,

and that's... that's fun.

Hey! What's goin' on?
How we doin', here?

We're doin' fine. Tina lost her ball.
Go away.

Oh, hi. Well, Tina.

I got a brand-new titleist there.
You're back on the fairway.

Nice seein' you.

Oh, well, ok. Thanks. Bye, car'.

Nice meeting you, Deacon.

Uh, you, too.

I'm gonna go catch
up with Leslie.

Yeah. Good.

Take it easy, now.

You were tryin' to fix him up with
your friend Tina, weren't you?

What'd you do? Arrange this
little chance meeting?

Yes, Doug. I had Tina
airlifted into the woods

just to mess up your day.

I can't believe you.

Doug, I just ran into her, ok?

But I will tell you something.

When Deacon looked at Tina,

there was a connection.

No, no, no.

I think when you looked at
Tina, there was a connection.

Ok? Deacon likes Leslie.

Oh, please.

"I have no personality, so
I laugh at everything."

Do you actually think he can have a
relationship with someone like that?

Do you think he'd have a great
relationship with Tina, the office slut?

I was mad at her
when I said that.

This thing we got
goin' here works, ok?

Deal with it.

Wh-where you goin'?

I am dealing with it.

Obviously you have a
great thing going here,

and I don't want
to be in the way

when you 3 start to make out.

Car-Carrie, get back here.

Carrie.

Carrie.

Stop it!

Carrie!

Carrie, stop! Stop it!

Get off!

Stop it! Would you stop?

All right.

Almost made it through
the whole day

without sliding back
down crap Mountain.

Then,

from the comfort of their
cushy headquarters,

the generals commanded our weary
platoon to take the town.

This fellow is me.

You can tell by the firm-set jaw

and the look of
steely determination.

Who's this?

That's o'Shannon.

He didn't make it.

Hey, I'm home.

Hey, dad.

Hey, kirb. Hey, Arthur.

Fish sticks are on the table.

Hey, Deacon.

Hey.

Come on. While we eat,

I'll tell you what
really goes on

inside an army
psychiatric hospital.

You're home early.

How was your date?

Well, I'm home early.

Hey, listen, thanks for covering for me.
How'd it go here?

Good, good. It was good.

Everyone's accounted for.

Although it is easier for me
when they're all on leashes.

I wasn't suggesting that you
put your kids on a leash.

Actually, that's
probably not a bad idea.

Uh, please don't laugh.

Oh. Okey-doke.

Well, I guess I should be going.

Arthur, you ready?

Actually, I've been
invited to sleep over.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I'll see you around, Deacon.

Yeah.

Oh, wait, wait. Let
me pay you for today.

Money? No. No, no, no, no, no.

What? Come on.

I gotta give you something.

No, no, really, I mean, I... I
just got a bunch of new clients,

a whole family of beagles.

I'm doing quite well, really.

Really. It's fine.

Ok.

Thanks.

I owe you one.

I may just take you up on that.

Bye.

Ooh.

Come on, you 2. It's late.

Lights out.

A clarification, sir.

When you say, "lights out,"
does that include flashlights?