The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 16 - No Orleans - full transcript
When Doug and Carrie find an old check in a wedding present, they need to invite Doug's annoying relatives to write them a new one. The Heffernans plan on going to New Orleans with the money. However, Doug's relatives say that New Orleans is "their town", and tell Doug and Carrie not to go without them. Doug and Carrie get to the "Big Easy", but can they get back without them knowing.
Hey, check it out. A
snow cone machine.
A snow cone machine?
No. You're sayin' it wrong.
It's a snow cone machine.
When an undeliverable
package goes 6 months
without being claimed by
the sender or the sendee,
the driver gets to keep it.
And you just happened to
land a snow cone machine?
I'm smellin' foul play.
Where can I put this bad boy?
No, no, no, no! I don't
have any counter space.
Come on, what is this then?
That's the breadmaker.
Bye-bye.
Come on! You love bread.
And if I was coming home to
fresh-baked bread every night,
or even once, you'd
have a point.
Oh, like you're gonna make
snow cones every day?
Actually, you probably will.
Ok. Give it to me.
I'll find room for it
in the crap cabinet.
Hey, fella.
This is your new home.
Welcome to counterville.
This is mayor mcsink.
Uh, Doug, I just found your
old milk shake machine.
Oh.
We're gonna have to
move the toaster.
♪ My back is gettin' tight
♪ 'cause, baby, all my life
How great is blue?
Hey, butch. You're the
reason I'm doing this.
You wanna get involved here?
Do I look like I
have a free hand?
Douglas, I'd like to show
you something in private.
For men's eyes only.
This can't end well.
What do you think of this?
It's a Randy cartoon I
plan to submit to playboy.
Ok.
It's a boss chasing his
secretary around the desk,
and the caption reads, "why, Mr.
hinklemeyer,
I thought you said dictation."
Dictation, Douglas.
Right. W-which one's the woman?
Right here. You can tell
by her ample bosom.
That's bosom? I thought
that was a lamp.
Why's the guy have a tail?
He doesn't.
Those are lines of whooshing
to indicate movement.
I think you need to work
on it a little bit more.
And I think you need to work
on being less of a fat lummox.
Ok, then I guess we
both got things to do.
Hey, I can't believe all the
stuff I'm finding in here.
Where did we get a menorah?
Yeah. That's from work. I drew
Goldstein in the secret Santa.
And look at this. A gravy boat.
Oh. Actually, this
was a wedding gift.
"From Ron and Moesha."
That's Ron and marcia,
my 3rd cousins.
Remember, you met
them at the wedding?
She's always talkin'
about her kids,
and then it turns out that
her kids are actually cats.
Not ringin' a bell.
What's his deal?
Oh, he's worse. You
ask him a question,
he takes a good minute and
a half starin' at you
before he answers.
You don't know whether to
jump in or go get a beer.
Wait a second. There's
something in here.
What?
It's a check for $1,500!
For who? For us!
Ron and marcia must have
stuck it in the gravy boat.
We never saw it because
we never used it.
$1,500?
Why would your 3rd cousins
give us such a huge gift?
I don't know. I know he made
a lot of money real young.
And he always loved my parents.
He helped my dad get
back on his feet.
What do you mean?
Wh-what happened?
At some point my dad
was off his feet,
and Ron helped him back on.
So you have no idea?
No, I don't. When I was a kid,
that's all they'd ever tell me:
Cousin Ron helped dad
get back on his feet,
and cousin Jeffrey was
a confirmed bachelor.
$1,500! Oh, my God! What
should we do with the money?
I don't know!
How much do the mets cost?
I know.
Let's do that trip
to New Orleans!
Yes! Let's go to New Orleans.
Or, as the locals
call it, nawlins.
That's the way you should say it.
That's the cool way.
Nawlins. Yeah! We're
goin' to nawlins.
And this is the magic carpet
ride to take us there.
Wait a second.
What?
This check is from '95.
So?
You think the bank
is gonna take it?
Yeah. Just stick it in
with the other checks.
Make a joke. They won't notice.
That's true. I'm... I'm good at
charmin' the service people.
I like to get down
to their level.
Honey, you are on their level.
Not anymore, sister!
Next person in line, please.
How can I help you?
Well, uh, Lee-Anne,
I'm just, uh,
gonna deposit a couple
checks, paychecks, etcetera.
Nothin' unusual. Boring.
Ok.
So, uh, Lee-Anne, that's a...
that's a nice name.
You get a lot for your money.
Like your parents said, "we
like Lee, we like Anne.
What the hell. Let's
go with both."
I'll see you next time. Bye...
Uh, sir, we have a
little problem here.
Know what? You're
good at your job.
You can handle it.
Have a great weekend!
Sir, checks are only
valid for one year.
And this one's dated 1995.
Oh. Oh, no, that one's... it's
from my cousin, so it's fine.
He's so cool with it.
He's a good guy, right?
I'm sorry. We can't accept it.
But I was very nice to
you about your name.
Sorry. There's nothing I can do.
This is why you're all
being replaced by a.T.Ms.
Mmm.
Mmm.
I suppose you're wondering
why I invited you
over for snow cones.
A little.
Draw me a parrot.
Why?
I got a cartoon
idea for playboy,
but I'm weak in the
art department.
Word on the street is
you like to doodle.
Let's see what you got.
A parrot. Ok. Hmm.
Sweet corn! I feel
like I'm in an aviary!
You're hired.
Well, uh, what's your idea?
Prepare to be delighted.
Dictation. Did you ever?
Hey, I got us a great fare
to nawlins on the Internet,
and I got us a suite,
that's right, a suite,
at "LA French something" hotel.
We're not goin'. The bank
wouldn't take the check.
What? What are you
talkin' about?
I thought you were gonna
charm the teller.
I... I tried. I did a whole
thing with her name. Lee-Anne.
Oh, my God. The
2-names-in-1 thing again?
It's funny!
No, it's not funny, honey.
Ok, if it was funny, we'd have
$1,500 in cash right now.
And I was really
into this trip, too.
Why don't we just call these Ron and...
and marcia people
and just have them write
us another check?
No, no. I can't do that.
Why not?
Because at our wedding,
Ron made a big deal
about how we should call him
and get together to hang out.
That was 6 years ago.
What am I supposed
to do, call him up:
"Hey! Cut me another
check, would you, freaky?"
You've done far worse
just for a sandwich.
Look, I'm sorry. But of all the
people, I can't offend him.
Sure you can!
He helped my dad get
back on his feet.
Apparently he was tryin' to
get us back on our feet, too!
We just didn't let him.
Give the man a chance.
No, I... I can't do it!
Ok. All right. Ok. Ok.
How about this?
We invite them over for dinner
just to re-establish
credibility,
absolutely no mention of the check.
Mmm-hmm.
Then, a week later,
they'll reciprocate.
And then after that, when
we're all good friends again,
we have them over where I
cook something that needs...
What?
Gravy, hon! Gravy!
Ok. All right. Anyway,
anyway, anyway,
we pull out the gravy boat,
where we accidentally
discover the check,
and they'll just write us a new one.
What do you think?
Ok. That's good.
But no gravy the first time.
No gravy. Gravy bad.
Yeah, gravy bad.
What's the matter? Why do
you still look concerned?
I'm just tryin' to wrap
my head around this.
Usually, gravy good.
So, I've got all 3 kids in the
tub at the same time, right?
Get this: My youngest decides
it's time to learn
about splashing.
Forget about it. I'm wearing
silk, like an idiot.
It was such a crazy mess,
I'm thinking of getting
them all declawed.
Don't cats bathe themselves?
Huh?
Cats. Don't they
bathe themselves?
I thought that was their
big selling point.
Oh, but bath time is so
good for bonding, Carrie.
Believe me, when you
have kids, you'll know.
Ok. So, Ron, how you doin'?
I'm good, Doug. I'm... I'm good.
Great. Great. Uh,
Ron's a big jet fan.
He has season tickets
and everything.
Y-you still a jet fan, Ron?
Pass the salt.
Here.
Yes, I am. I am, Doug.
But I wish he'd give up
those season tickets.
He's never home. The kids
barely know him anymore.
They're in bed with us
every night, marcia.
Think they know me better than
any cat should know a man.
Oh! Trust me. He loves
it when they touch him.
Who wants gravy?
Uh, we don't need gravy now.
Oh, sure we do. Sure we do.
No. Everything's very moist
and succulent, right, Ron?
Ok, I'm goin'. Be
back in a jiff.
Yeah, Carrie. She, uh,
she loves gravy...
You know what? We're
gonna use the gravy boat
that you guys gave
us for our wedding.
Oh, look at that.
Yeah, we haven't even
used it yet, actually.
We were waiting for
a special occasion.
Let me just, uh, pop the
top off, here, and, uh...
What the... what's this?
What is it, honey?
The instructions?
It's a check from you guys.
For $1,500!
What? But, wait, you mean
you two never saw that?
I put the check in the gravy
boat to be cute, like...
Like the check is the gravy.
Oh, my God! I just...
This is the nicest gift
anyone's ever given us ever.
I... I...
I'm sorry.
She thought the only thing
we gave her for her wedding
was that chintzy
little gravy boat.
That's why you didn't
call us all these years.
Uh, well, we were a
little hurt, but...
You can't put a price
on friendship.
You know, you're not gonna
be able to cash that.
Honey, write them another check.
Absolutely.
Uh, remember, it's 2002.
Now, you use this
for something fun.
No paying bills with this.
No, no, no, no, no!
Actually, we were planning
a trip to New Orleans.
New Orleans! That's our town!
We go all the time!
Hey, here's a crazy thought.
Now, that this mess
is all cleared up,
why don't we go together?
Uh, well, you know what, um,
we'd actually slow you down
because we don't drink.
Neither do we!
It's perfect!
Don't you dare go to New
Orleans without us.
This was great.
Yeah. Let's do it
again real soon.
I'll call you with the
number of my cat guy.
All right.
That was rough.
Yeah, it was.
Listen, I'm sorry I jumped
in early on the gravy thing,
but it was either that
or open fire on them.
I hear that.
But at least we got the check,
and we are goin' to nawlins.
What? We can't go.
Why not?
They just said, "don't
you dare go without us."
Unless you wanna go with them
and their cats, we can't go.
Are you insane?
I'm not insane. Carrie, if
we go and they find out,
they'll call my parents. Then
my parents will call me,
and I'll hear, "where
did we go wrong?"
What you're saying is we can't
go on our trip to New Orleans
because Ron and marcia might
tell your mommy on you?
Thank you for understanding.
Honey, I understand that Ron
got your dad back on his feet.
Nobody knows what that
means, but I respect it.
But are you really telling
me because of that,
a whole city is
off-limits to us forever?
Not forever. Just
till my folks die.
Doug! We can't live like this!
I mean, what if
your Uncle stu says
we can't go to
Brooklyn without him?
Do I have to take him to
my gynecologist with me?
Look, we got the money.
Can't we go someplace
instead of New Orleans?
There's gotta be plenty of
other fun places we can go.
Oh, yeah? Ok, name one.
And it can't be cooperstown
or hershey park.
Oh.
Yeah.
It's gotta be a place where I
can flash my boobs legally,
because I will flash my boobs.
Well, that rule's not fair.
There's only one place you can
flash your boobs legally.
That's right, honey.
And isn't that the
place you wanna be?
Yes!
Nawlins. It's nice here, right?
What? Yeah.
I think I see marcia
across the street.
Ok. That's the 3rd marcia
you've seen today.
Although it is the
first black one.
It looks like her.
Ron and marcia are not here.
They could be here.
It's their town.
When you have a town,
you go to it a lot.
That's how it becomes your town!
You need to chill out.
Yeah, you do.
Ok, you know what? Let's
have a little fun.
Come on, baby. Smile
pretty for me.
What, are you crazy?
Uh, I don't think I am. No.
You can't be takin' a picture.
A picture's evidence!
Doug, you need to stop it.
Stop it right now.
Tell me that's not Ron at
the lobster tank! Doug!
I'm sorry. But I'm all
stressed out, ok?
I lied to my mother. I told
her we went to the alamo.
Now I gotta bring her
back a coonskin hat.
Doug, you need to calm down.
Just take a deep breath.
Look at your menu,
and try to relax.
I don't know why they call
this place the big easy.
It's hard.
It's very hard.
Ok, Arthur. I got your
cartoon all ready.
What do you think?
Where's the boss chasing his
secretary around the desk?
Well, I updated it a little.
I made it a computer repair
guy and a female executive,
and he's saying to her
here, he's goin':
"Hey, how about now we
fix my hard drive?"
What the hell have you done?
I... I just improved
your idea a little bit.
No one chases their secretary
around a desk anymore.
Sure they do.
No, they don't, ok?
I'm out in the working
world every day. I know.
You work in a
subway token booth.
You have neither a
secretary nor a desk.
You are totally
ignorant in this area!
I-I'm ignorant? Arthur,
you're out of the loop, ok?
Your... your idea is retro.
Mine's fresh. It's hip!
A little too hip.
John q. Public doesn't
know what a hard drive is!
Ok, anyone who owns a computer
knows what a hard drive is.
Oh, sure. Mr. Bill Gates
and his buddies are in for
a hearty chuckle.
What about the rest
of us poor schmucks?
Ok. You know what?
I don't wanna do this anymore.
I gotta go.
Fine! You just lost yourself
the best damn caption
man in this business!
I gotta tell you I really
had a great time tonight.
Me, too.
Sorry I got so crazy before.
It's ok.
You're positive that wasn't
Ron steering that riverboat?
I'm positive.
Ok.
Oh, my God!
What?
The message light!
It's Ron and marcia!
It's not them. It's them.
It's not them. It's them.
It's not them. It's them!
You know what, we
can resolve this
by doing a simple message check.
Ok. Yes, hi. I'm, uh,
calling in for my message.
Yes, this is Mr. mellencamp.
Oh. No. No, that's ok.
Thank you. Ok. Bye.
Oh, it was just housekeeping
wanting to know
if we needed some more towels.
You see? I told you.
Everything's fine.
Whoo! What are you doin'?
I'm checkin' our
messages at home.
Oh, man! My jambalaya
just went down a floor.
Oh.
What? What is it?
Ok, nothing's wrong,
but marcia called.
I can't breathe.
Look, I don't think... I
don't think it's a problem.
But just listen and
tell me what you think.
Doug, Carrie, it's marcia.
Could you give me a
call when you get back?
She knows we're here!
I don't think she does.
Hear what she said? "Give us
a call when you get back!"
At the drugstore, she'd say call us
when you're home. But she said "back."
"Back" can only mean one
thing: Back from New Orleans!
But nobody knows we're here.
How would she find out? You
think they have spies here?
They might. They come
here all the time.
Ron probably helped half this
town get back on their feet.
They owe him.
Know what? I bet she was
calling about something
totally different. But I
will just call to make sure.
Ok. Ok.
Caller I.D.!
They're gonna see the
New Orleans area code.
Are you sure they
have caller I.D.?
Carrie, they gave us $1,500.
They have luxuries we
can't begin to imagine.
Fine. I will call
from my cell phone.
Oh. No signal.
Hi, marcia. It's
Carrie Heffernan.
Yeah, I just walked in my house.
Whoops! Almost tripped
over one of Doug's socks.
Anyway, you called?
Oh.
What? What is it?
She just wanted to give me
the number to her cat guy.
Actually, I don't need to take
that number down. It's ok.
Don't... don't be snotty.
Take that number down.
Marcia, I will take the number down.
Let me just get a pen.
Ok, got one. Go ahead.
Get a real pen.
She's gonna know.
Go away. No. Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
Mommy.
♪
Yeah, we had... we had a pretty
good weekend overall, huh?
I did. Of course, I wasn't the
one with the nervous bowel.
Sure everything's ok
with Ron and marcia?
Ok, for the 10th time, I had
already hung up my cell phone
when you hurled it into
the mighty Mississippi.
Ok. Just checkin'.
Hey, I always forget. Are you
supposed to tip the maid, or...
Yes, honey. Do you
have enough money?
Plenty. I just cashed Ron and
marcia's check this morning.
Wait a minute. You
cashed it here?
This check to Doug and Carrie,
does this say bank
of New Orleans?
I'm calling his mother.
Hello. Here is your order.
It's, uh, $14.89.
Oh, this, uh, little
smiley face doodle,
is... is this your work?
Uh, yes.
Draw me a parrot.
snow cone machine.
A snow cone machine?
No. You're sayin' it wrong.
It's a snow cone machine.
When an undeliverable
package goes 6 months
without being claimed by
the sender or the sendee,
the driver gets to keep it.
And you just happened to
land a snow cone machine?
I'm smellin' foul play.
Where can I put this bad boy?
No, no, no, no! I don't
have any counter space.
Come on, what is this then?
That's the breadmaker.
Bye-bye.
Come on! You love bread.
And if I was coming home to
fresh-baked bread every night,
or even once, you'd
have a point.
Oh, like you're gonna make
snow cones every day?
Actually, you probably will.
Ok. Give it to me.
I'll find room for it
in the crap cabinet.
Hey, fella.
This is your new home.
Welcome to counterville.
This is mayor mcsink.
Uh, Doug, I just found your
old milk shake machine.
Oh.
We're gonna have to
move the toaster.
♪ My back is gettin' tight
♪ 'cause, baby, all my life
How great is blue?
Hey, butch. You're the
reason I'm doing this.
You wanna get involved here?
Do I look like I
have a free hand?
Douglas, I'd like to show
you something in private.
For men's eyes only.
This can't end well.
What do you think of this?
It's a Randy cartoon I
plan to submit to playboy.
Ok.
It's a boss chasing his
secretary around the desk,
and the caption reads, "why, Mr.
hinklemeyer,
I thought you said dictation."
Dictation, Douglas.
Right. W-which one's the woman?
Right here. You can tell
by her ample bosom.
That's bosom? I thought
that was a lamp.
Why's the guy have a tail?
He doesn't.
Those are lines of whooshing
to indicate movement.
I think you need to work
on it a little bit more.
And I think you need to work
on being less of a fat lummox.
Ok, then I guess we
both got things to do.
Hey, I can't believe all the
stuff I'm finding in here.
Where did we get a menorah?
Yeah. That's from work. I drew
Goldstein in the secret Santa.
And look at this. A gravy boat.
Oh. Actually, this
was a wedding gift.
"From Ron and Moesha."
That's Ron and marcia,
my 3rd cousins.
Remember, you met
them at the wedding?
She's always talkin'
about her kids,
and then it turns out that
her kids are actually cats.
Not ringin' a bell.
What's his deal?
Oh, he's worse. You
ask him a question,
he takes a good minute and
a half starin' at you
before he answers.
You don't know whether to
jump in or go get a beer.
Wait a second. There's
something in here.
What?
It's a check for $1,500!
For who? For us!
Ron and marcia must have
stuck it in the gravy boat.
We never saw it because
we never used it.
$1,500?
Why would your 3rd cousins
give us such a huge gift?
I don't know. I know he made
a lot of money real young.
And he always loved my parents.
He helped my dad get
back on his feet.
What do you mean?
Wh-what happened?
At some point my dad
was off his feet,
and Ron helped him back on.
So you have no idea?
No, I don't. When I was a kid,
that's all they'd ever tell me:
Cousin Ron helped dad
get back on his feet,
and cousin Jeffrey was
a confirmed bachelor.
$1,500! Oh, my God! What
should we do with the money?
I don't know!
How much do the mets cost?
I know.
Let's do that trip
to New Orleans!
Yes! Let's go to New Orleans.
Or, as the locals
call it, nawlins.
That's the way you should say it.
That's the cool way.
Nawlins. Yeah! We're
goin' to nawlins.
And this is the magic carpet
ride to take us there.
Wait a second.
What?
This check is from '95.
So?
You think the bank
is gonna take it?
Yeah. Just stick it in
with the other checks.
Make a joke. They won't notice.
That's true. I'm... I'm good at
charmin' the service people.
I like to get down
to their level.
Honey, you are on their level.
Not anymore, sister!
Next person in line, please.
How can I help you?
Well, uh, Lee-Anne,
I'm just, uh,
gonna deposit a couple
checks, paychecks, etcetera.
Nothin' unusual. Boring.
Ok.
So, uh, Lee-Anne, that's a...
that's a nice name.
You get a lot for your money.
Like your parents said, "we
like Lee, we like Anne.
What the hell. Let's
go with both."
I'll see you next time. Bye...
Uh, sir, we have a
little problem here.
Know what? You're
good at your job.
You can handle it.
Have a great weekend!
Sir, checks are only
valid for one year.
And this one's dated 1995.
Oh. Oh, no, that one's... it's
from my cousin, so it's fine.
He's so cool with it.
He's a good guy, right?
I'm sorry. We can't accept it.
But I was very nice to
you about your name.
Sorry. There's nothing I can do.
This is why you're all
being replaced by a.T.Ms.
Mmm.
Mmm.
I suppose you're wondering
why I invited you
over for snow cones.
A little.
Draw me a parrot.
Why?
I got a cartoon
idea for playboy,
but I'm weak in the
art department.
Word on the street is
you like to doodle.
Let's see what you got.
A parrot. Ok. Hmm.
Sweet corn! I feel
like I'm in an aviary!
You're hired.
Well, uh, what's your idea?
Prepare to be delighted.
Dictation. Did you ever?
Hey, I got us a great fare
to nawlins on the Internet,
and I got us a suite,
that's right, a suite,
at "LA French something" hotel.
We're not goin'. The bank
wouldn't take the check.
What? What are you
talkin' about?
I thought you were gonna
charm the teller.
I... I tried. I did a whole
thing with her name. Lee-Anne.
Oh, my God. The
2-names-in-1 thing again?
It's funny!
No, it's not funny, honey.
Ok, if it was funny, we'd have
$1,500 in cash right now.
And I was really
into this trip, too.
Why don't we just call these Ron and...
and marcia people
and just have them write
us another check?
No, no. I can't do that.
Why not?
Because at our wedding,
Ron made a big deal
about how we should call him
and get together to hang out.
That was 6 years ago.
What am I supposed
to do, call him up:
"Hey! Cut me another
check, would you, freaky?"
You've done far worse
just for a sandwich.
Look, I'm sorry. But of all the
people, I can't offend him.
Sure you can!
He helped my dad get
back on his feet.
Apparently he was tryin' to
get us back on our feet, too!
We just didn't let him.
Give the man a chance.
No, I... I can't do it!
Ok. All right. Ok. Ok.
How about this?
We invite them over for dinner
just to re-establish
credibility,
absolutely no mention of the check.
Mmm-hmm.
Then, a week later,
they'll reciprocate.
And then after that, when
we're all good friends again,
we have them over where I
cook something that needs...
What?
Gravy, hon! Gravy!
Ok. All right. Anyway,
anyway, anyway,
we pull out the gravy boat,
where we accidentally
discover the check,
and they'll just write us a new one.
What do you think?
Ok. That's good.
But no gravy the first time.
No gravy. Gravy bad.
Yeah, gravy bad.
What's the matter? Why do
you still look concerned?
I'm just tryin' to wrap
my head around this.
Usually, gravy good.
So, I've got all 3 kids in the
tub at the same time, right?
Get this: My youngest decides
it's time to learn
about splashing.
Forget about it. I'm wearing
silk, like an idiot.
It was such a crazy mess,
I'm thinking of getting
them all declawed.
Don't cats bathe themselves?
Huh?
Cats. Don't they
bathe themselves?
I thought that was their
big selling point.
Oh, but bath time is so
good for bonding, Carrie.
Believe me, when you
have kids, you'll know.
Ok. So, Ron, how you doin'?
I'm good, Doug. I'm... I'm good.
Great. Great. Uh,
Ron's a big jet fan.
He has season tickets
and everything.
Y-you still a jet fan, Ron?
Pass the salt.
Here.
Yes, I am. I am, Doug.
But I wish he'd give up
those season tickets.
He's never home. The kids
barely know him anymore.
They're in bed with us
every night, marcia.
Think they know me better than
any cat should know a man.
Oh! Trust me. He loves
it when they touch him.
Who wants gravy?
Uh, we don't need gravy now.
Oh, sure we do. Sure we do.
No. Everything's very moist
and succulent, right, Ron?
Ok, I'm goin'. Be
back in a jiff.
Yeah, Carrie. She, uh,
she loves gravy...
You know what? We're
gonna use the gravy boat
that you guys gave
us for our wedding.
Oh, look at that.
Yeah, we haven't even
used it yet, actually.
We were waiting for
a special occasion.
Let me just, uh, pop the
top off, here, and, uh...
What the... what's this?
What is it, honey?
The instructions?
It's a check from you guys.
For $1,500!
What? But, wait, you mean
you two never saw that?
I put the check in the gravy
boat to be cute, like...
Like the check is the gravy.
Oh, my God! I just...
This is the nicest gift
anyone's ever given us ever.
I... I...
I'm sorry.
She thought the only thing
we gave her for her wedding
was that chintzy
little gravy boat.
That's why you didn't
call us all these years.
Uh, well, we were a
little hurt, but...
You can't put a price
on friendship.
You know, you're not gonna
be able to cash that.
Honey, write them another check.
Absolutely.
Uh, remember, it's 2002.
Now, you use this
for something fun.
No paying bills with this.
No, no, no, no, no!
Actually, we were planning
a trip to New Orleans.
New Orleans! That's our town!
We go all the time!
Hey, here's a crazy thought.
Now, that this mess
is all cleared up,
why don't we go together?
Uh, well, you know what, um,
we'd actually slow you down
because we don't drink.
Neither do we!
It's perfect!
Don't you dare go to New
Orleans without us.
This was great.
Yeah. Let's do it
again real soon.
I'll call you with the
number of my cat guy.
All right.
That was rough.
Yeah, it was.
Listen, I'm sorry I jumped
in early on the gravy thing,
but it was either that
or open fire on them.
I hear that.
But at least we got the check,
and we are goin' to nawlins.
What? We can't go.
Why not?
They just said, "don't
you dare go without us."
Unless you wanna go with them
and their cats, we can't go.
Are you insane?
I'm not insane. Carrie, if
we go and they find out,
they'll call my parents. Then
my parents will call me,
and I'll hear, "where
did we go wrong?"
What you're saying is we can't
go on our trip to New Orleans
because Ron and marcia might
tell your mommy on you?
Thank you for understanding.
Honey, I understand that Ron
got your dad back on his feet.
Nobody knows what that
means, but I respect it.
But are you really telling
me because of that,
a whole city is
off-limits to us forever?
Not forever. Just
till my folks die.
Doug! We can't live like this!
I mean, what if
your Uncle stu says
we can't go to
Brooklyn without him?
Do I have to take him to
my gynecologist with me?
Look, we got the money.
Can't we go someplace
instead of New Orleans?
There's gotta be plenty of
other fun places we can go.
Oh, yeah? Ok, name one.
And it can't be cooperstown
or hershey park.
Oh.
Yeah.
It's gotta be a place where I
can flash my boobs legally,
because I will flash my boobs.
Well, that rule's not fair.
There's only one place you can
flash your boobs legally.
That's right, honey.
And isn't that the
place you wanna be?
Yes!
Nawlins. It's nice here, right?
What? Yeah.
I think I see marcia
across the street.
Ok. That's the 3rd marcia
you've seen today.
Although it is the
first black one.
It looks like her.
Ron and marcia are not here.
They could be here.
It's their town.
When you have a town,
you go to it a lot.
That's how it becomes your town!
You need to chill out.
Yeah, you do.
Ok, you know what? Let's
have a little fun.
Come on, baby. Smile
pretty for me.
What, are you crazy?
Uh, I don't think I am. No.
You can't be takin' a picture.
A picture's evidence!
Doug, you need to stop it.
Stop it right now.
Tell me that's not Ron at
the lobster tank! Doug!
I'm sorry. But I'm all
stressed out, ok?
I lied to my mother. I told
her we went to the alamo.
Now I gotta bring her
back a coonskin hat.
Doug, you need to calm down.
Just take a deep breath.
Look at your menu,
and try to relax.
I don't know why they call
this place the big easy.
It's hard.
It's very hard.
Ok, Arthur. I got your
cartoon all ready.
What do you think?
Where's the boss chasing his
secretary around the desk?
Well, I updated it a little.
I made it a computer repair
guy and a female executive,
and he's saying to her
here, he's goin':
"Hey, how about now we
fix my hard drive?"
What the hell have you done?
I... I just improved
your idea a little bit.
No one chases their secretary
around a desk anymore.
Sure they do.
No, they don't, ok?
I'm out in the working
world every day. I know.
You work in a
subway token booth.
You have neither a
secretary nor a desk.
You are totally
ignorant in this area!
I-I'm ignorant? Arthur,
you're out of the loop, ok?
Your... your idea is retro.
Mine's fresh. It's hip!
A little too hip.
John q. Public doesn't
know what a hard drive is!
Ok, anyone who owns a computer
knows what a hard drive is.
Oh, sure. Mr. Bill Gates
and his buddies are in for
a hearty chuckle.
What about the rest
of us poor schmucks?
Ok. You know what?
I don't wanna do this anymore.
I gotta go.
Fine! You just lost yourself
the best damn caption
man in this business!
I gotta tell you I really
had a great time tonight.
Me, too.
Sorry I got so crazy before.
It's ok.
You're positive that wasn't
Ron steering that riverboat?
I'm positive.
Ok.
Oh, my God!
What?
The message light!
It's Ron and marcia!
It's not them. It's them.
It's not them. It's them.
It's not them. It's them!
You know what, we
can resolve this
by doing a simple message check.
Ok. Yes, hi. I'm, uh,
calling in for my message.
Yes, this is Mr. mellencamp.
Oh. No. No, that's ok.
Thank you. Ok. Bye.
Oh, it was just housekeeping
wanting to know
if we needed some more towels.
You see? I told you.
Everything's fine.
Whoo! What are you doin'?
I'm checkin' our
messages at home.
Oh, man! My jambalaya
just went down a floor.
Oh.
What? What is it?
Ok, nothing's wrong,
but marcia called.
I can't breathe.
Look, I don't think... I
don't think it's a problem.
But just listen and
tell me what you think.
Doug, Carrie, it's marcia.
Could you give me a
call when you get back?
She knows we're here!
I don't think she does.
Hear what she said? "Give us
a call when you get back!"
At the drugstore, she'd say call us
when you're home. But she said "back."
"Back" can only mean one
thing: Back from New Orleans!
But nobody knows we're here.
How would she find out? You
think they have spies here?
They might. They come
here all the time.
Ron probably helped half this
town get back on their feet.
They owe him.
Know what? I bet she was
calling about something
totally different. But I
will just call to make sure.
Ok. Ok.
Caller I.D.!
They're gonna see the
New Orleans area code.
Are you sure they
have caller I.D.?
Carrie, they gave us $1,500.
They have luxuries we
can't begin to imagine.
Fine. I will call
from my cell phone.
Oh. No signal.
Hi, marcia. It's
Carrie Heffernan.
Yeah, I just walked in my house.
Whoops! Almost tripped
over one of Doug's socks.
Anyway, you called?
Oh.
What? What is it?
She just wanted to give me
the number to her cat guy.
Actually, I don't need to take
that number down. It's ok.
Don't... don't be snotty.
Take that number down.
Marcia, I will take the number down.
Let me just get a pen.
Ok, got one. Go ahead.
Get a real pen.
She's gonna know.
Go away. No. Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
Mommy.
♪
Yeah, we had... we had a pretty
good weekend overall, huh?
I did. Of course, I wasn't the
one with the nervous bowel.
Sure everything's ok
with Ron and marcia?
Ok, for the 10th time, I had
already hung up my cell phone
when you hurled it into
the mighty Mississippi.
Ok. Just checkin'.
Hey, I always forget. Are you
supposed to tip the maid, or...
Yes, honey. Do you
have enough money?
Plenty. I just cashed Ron and
marcia's check this morning.
Wait a minute. You
cashed it here?
This check to Doug and Carrie,
does this say bank
of New Orleans?
I'm calling his mother.
Hello. Here is your order.
It's, uh, $14.89.
Oh, this, uh, little
smiley face doodle,
is... is this your work?
Uh, yes.
Draw me a parrot.