The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 15 - Dougie Nights - full transcript

Good luck with your wrapper.

So, Saturday night, huh?

Saturday night.

This is sweet.

It do not get better than this.

It do not.

So is this just a phase,

or is this... Pretty
much it for us?

What do you wanna do?

Something a little bit
more action-packed.

You wanna go hit amateur
night at a strip club?



I think there's a middle ground.

Um, hey, let's go see a movie.

A movie? I like your spunk!

Well, let's go, bub.

We are goin' to the movies!

I am excited. And you know what?

I'm gonna wear that new
underwear you bought me.

I look forward to that.

Since we're going, let's
call Deac' and invite him.

Uh, not gonna happen.

He's, uh, he's not ready
to start goin' out yet.

Oh, come on.

It's been 2 months
since Kelly left him.

He's gotta have a movie in him.



Look, we can call him,
but I'm telling ya,

he's not even answering
his phone anymore.

And you gotta hear his machine.

Brutal.

Hi. This is Deacon.

I'm not here right now.

If you're calling for Kelly,

or my children,

they're at her
mother's at 555-1012.

I... I gotta go.

Just act normal. Ok.

Hey, buddy, it's, uh,
it's Doug and Carrie.

Hey, fella!

Anyway, uh, look, man,
I know you're there,

so just pick up the phone.

Come on, man, huh?

We're... we're going
to the movies,

and we wanna invite you along.

Come on, man, it's movie time.

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da-da

♪

The raisinettes are
playin' trumpet,

and, hey, surround sound, huh?

Whoa-oa, whoa-oa.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling-
a-ling-a-ling.

Hey, guy!

I told you we shouldn't
have worn pants.

Now we've embarrassed him, huh?

I kid. What's going on?

Hey!

Well, I guess we know

who the neat freak in the
relationship was, huh?

Did you get our message?

Yeah, you guys are, what...

Ge-getting some
raisinettes, or something?

We called to ask
you to the movies.

Now we're takin' you by force.

I'm kinda in the middle
of a project right now.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm going through
these old pictures,

seeing if Kelly ever
looked happy with me.

I don't think she did.

She was.

She had a very sour
face in general.

Yeah, that's true. She
frowned at everything.

Oh, yeah. If she won the
lottery, she'd be like,

"yeah, I won!"

Uh-huh.

Come on. We're serious.

Go to the movies with us.

Yeah, come on, man.

Hey, I'll let you feel me up,

then I'll let you have a run at Carrie.
Come on.

It's just... You know what?

Hanging out with a couple right
now is just not a great idea.

Where you going?

I'm getting my box of
pictures from the honeymoon.

If I get lucky, maybe I'll
find a smirk, I don't know.

Doug, we gotta get
him out of here.

You heard him. He won't go.

Maybe he won't go out with us,

but why don't you take him out?
I'll bail.

Look at this place.

It's getting pretty scary.

Cereal in a frisbee? Come on!

Actually, that was
mine from 2 weeks ago.

Please, just take him out.
Go somewhere.

Go where?

I don't know. Go to a nightclub.

A nightclub?

Yeah. You used to love clubs.

You used to be like
big, fun club guy.

Yeah, but now I'm big fall-asleep-with-
crumbs-on-my-chest guy.

People change.

Well, you're not
doing this for you.

You're doing this for Deacon.

Come on, honey, we gotta
get him out of here

before he humps the photo album!

Fine. I'll take him out.

Hey, Deac', buddy, come on, man.

You and I are gonna go
out without Carrie.

Let's go!

Ok. It's gonna have
to be another night.

Why?

'Cause he just put
his pajamas on.

Actually, I think

he might have just put
Kelly's pajamas on.

Carrie, I'm gonna need
you to read this,

and every time you see the words

"hamburger Patty,"
highlight it in blue.

Ok.

Also, have you met Lila?

Uh, Lila. No.

She's Thompson's new assistant.

I gotta tell you, she
looks exactly like you.

Really? Yeah.

It's incredible. Really.

Ok. I believe you.

I'm not kidding, Carrie.

Well, I... I can't comment.

Haven't seen her.

Well, you wanna see her?

Here. That's her.

♪

All right. The club scene.

It's all comin' back.

So gimme some
guidelines lady-wise.

What do you like?
What do you need?

You like big boobs,
little boobs?

Full-figured, skinny, skanky?

Talk to me, goose.

I'd like anyone who
won't take my kids

in the middle of the night
and move to Jersey,

that's what I'd like.

Will you forget about that?

All right, come on.

Now, look.

I want you to have one
conversation with a pretty girl.

That's all I'm asking.

Candy shop is open.

Pick yourself a lolly.

I don't know.

I... I guess they're kinda cute.

There you go. Perfect.

Look at 'em sittin' there.

They have no idea how their
lives are about to change.

They're helpless antelopes.

We're lions in the grass.

Let the hunt begin.

So go ahead.

I thought you were going.

Me? I don't need to meet women.

You just said, "tell
me who you like."

That's what the pimp says before
he goes and gets you the girl.

I'm not your pimp.

I'm your white sidekick.
Now, you go!

No, I don't want to.
Let's get outta here.

No, fine, fine, I'll do
it, all right? Jeez!

Man.

It's been a while
since I've done this.

My heart is pumpin'.

What was my old routine again?

Oh, yeah, shake it
out, untuck, and roll.

Hey there.

I don't know if you ladies watch
professional roller derby,

but I'm Doug Heffernan.

♪ It's gonna get ya

♪ rhythm is gonna get ya

♪ rhythm is gonna get ya

♪ tonight

♪ oh-ey-oh-ey

♪ oh-ey-oh-ey

♪ oh-ey...

All right. What time is it?

It's a quarter to 2. Whassup?

Wow. How'd it go?

Oh, it was great.

I was dancin', had a few beers,

met a drunk dude who kept
high-fivin' me all night.

You see? You were fightin' me
on this, and it went great.

Yeah. Oh, and by the
way, it turns out,

when you're happily married and
not desperate to pick someone up,

the chicks just start
flyin' at you.

At you or at Deacon?

Don't worry about it. Come on.

It was great for Deacon.

He got out. He got his feet wet.

I learned what type
of woman he likes,

which is, p.S., bootylicious.

That's good. You
did good, honey.

Thanks.

So we're gonna kick it
back there on Thursday.

What? You're going
back there again?

Yeah, what'd you think, I'd get
him remarried in one night?

I'm good, but I'm not that good.

All right, it's late.
I'm going to bed.

Oh, come on! Stay
down here with me.

I'm up now! Let's party.

Come on, party!

Mr. Thompson's office.

Oh, no, she left.

I'm his new assistant, Lila.

He's in court this morning.

All right, I'll tell him you called.
Bye-bye.

Oh, bless you.

Thank you.

♪

All right. Tonight, I wanna
see some progress, guy.

Tonight, it's all about you.

This is your time.
This is your town.

You ready?

Not really...

Good. Let's go.

Hey, man, what's going on?

Hey, man.

Hey! Tonight, you're buying!

Hey!

What's happening?

There they are, the
girls of Fordham u.

I know I can't afford 'em.

You?

What's up, lizard? Couple buds.

♪

♪

You havin' fun?

What?

You havin' fun?

What?

All right!

What?

♪

Hey, Deac', wake up.

Huh?

A bunch of these guys are
goin' out for eggs. You up?

What? It's 3 A.M.

We gotta work in the mornin'.
I just wanna go home, man.

All right. I'm gonna go with them.
All right?

Hey, you did great
tonight, buddy.

You did great!

Hey, wait up! Shotgun!

♪

Hey, sweetness.

I'd like to show you a
picture my boss took.

Uh, what do you see when
you look at this picture?

You and a girl who
looks like you.

Hey! Watch the hair.

Well, don't tell someone
they look like someone else

when they very clearly don't!

Will you relax. Why is this
such a big deal for you?

It just is.

Hasn't anyone ever told you

you look like someone
and it offended you?

What, you mean, like, every famous
fat guy in any movie, ever?

That's different.

What's with the getup anyway?

I'm goin' out with
Deacon tonight.

What? Again?

That's the 3rd time this week.

Look, I'm doing this for my friend.
He's suffering.

And you have to trim
your nose hair because?

Because I'm guiding him through
the singles scene, ok?

I don't think he wants
a guy who's all, like,

"hey, what's up, ladies? This
is my friend Deacon right here.

"Deacon, say hello to the girl.

Hey, nice to meet you.
How you guys doin'?"

Hello?

It's Deacon.

What's up, my brother?

I was callin' to let you
know I can't go out tonight.

What? Why?

I met this girl at church on Sunday,
and we're just gonna hang out.

Dude, I'm already dressed.

I'm sorry. She's
making me dinner.

You met her at church, and she's
already making you dinner?

I gotta tell you, you got
a stalker on your hands.

What's your problem, man?

My problem is, we had
plans this evening,

and I think you're
being very rude.

Doug, in a second,
you may hear a noise

that sounds like
someone hanging up.

Loser.

I'm glad Deacon canceled.

I get my couch-Doug back.

Yeah, he's back.

I'm sorry I, I snapped at you
before about the picture.

It was just...

It's annoying.

Do you know

that they actually put it
in the office newsletter?

Do you know what
the caption was?

"Mary-Kate and Ashley."

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

I'm just sayin', I
mean, whatever,

but people have actually
stopped me on the street

and told me I look
like j-lo, you know?

And one has actually met her.

And this girl, trust me,
looks nothing like j-lo.

So by simple multiplication,

there is no way that I
look like this girl.

♪

And it's not like I need people
comin' up to me every 2 seconds

and telling me I'm
beautiful or anything.

But I definitely don't
need people telling me

I look like people that I...
That I don't look like.

You know what I'm sayin', hon'?

Oh, yeah. What? Are
you kiddin' me?

And let's say everybody
was right at the office,

and I look exactly
like this girl.

Do you know what? It really
doesn't matter to me,

because I'm beautiful

in here.

Hi, Dex.

Hey, how's it goin'?

Mornin', Angie.

Hey, whatcha got there?

You got some mail?

Hi, Lila!

Hey.

How ya doin'?

Hey, new look.

Lila and slutty Lila.

Doug, I'm home!

Ow.

Doug?

Hello?

Hey, baby.

I'm headin' out to the
club after work tonight.

Gotta go do the
cupid thang again.

Don't wait up. Love you.

Hey, Carrie, it's Lila.

Listen, I was
thinking, tomorrow,

let's try to convince
Tom in accounting

that I'm you!

Bye!

Hey, look,

this... this singles
world, it's a bumpy ride.

But the important thing is,

you're out here tryin', buddy,

and I'm here for you.

Why did you wake me up for this?

You love the club scene.

I do not!

All right? I'm
awkward and sweaty,

and many women think
I'm in junior high.

Do not do that to yourself.

You, my friend, you're awesome.

Now I have to meet some
people at the bar.

You wouldn't like them.
They're really not your type.

But you,

you're awesome.

Freaks.

You've never seen
the Terminator?

I don't believe you.

Deacon?

Oh, hey, girl.

Hey, what's goin' on? I thought you
were goin' out with Doug tonight.

No. Actually, I met someone. I'm
hangin' out with Wendy tonight.

Wendy, Carrie. Carrie, Wendy.

Hi.

Hi.

So you're not suffering
at the moment?

Suffering? No.

I'm a disappointed 'cause they
don't have along came a spider,

but otherwise...

Right. Right.

What's wrong?

Nothing. I'm just pretty sure I
need to go kick cupid's ass.

Excuse me.

♪

That guy's awesome. He's
gonna break the record.

Hi.

Hey, what's goin' on?

Oh, not much.

I just ran into
Deacon on a date.

I'm here for Spence.

Oh, will you stop it.

No, it's true. He's single, too.

He needs me. That's what I do.
I help the single.

Where is he? Spence?

Oh, come on. He's outside
waiting for a cab.

He said you kept ditchin' him.

He's drunk out of his mind.

Oh, come on!

This isn't about your
friends, admit it.

This is about you getting your
jollies in at nightclubs.

All right, fine. I admit it.

But you sent me here
to get my jollies.

No.

I sent you here to help
Deacon get his jollies.

Well, it's dark.

Jollies get very mixed
up in this place.

And what's the big deal anyway?

So I'm feeling
good about myself.

Oh, so what? I'll
tell you so what, ok?

You... you... you feelin' good about
yourself and me feeling lousy,

that's not gonna fly, buddy, so
here's how it's gonna go down, ok?

You're gonna hang
up your old chain,

you're gonna let
your nose hair grow,

and we're gonna go back to sitting
on the couch and feeling just ok.

Because that's what marriage is.

All right, fine. I'm
comin' back to the couch.

Just gimme a second. I
gotta find my keys.

I think they shot
out of my pants

when I got rocketed
off the bull.

Ok, I definitely know
you from somewhere.

Uh...

Actually, I just saw
you walk in here,

but I thought you were
really, really hot.

You do? Yeah.

So you wanna go out to my van?

Oh, my God. That is so sweet.

But, no, I'm married.

But thank you.

Ok.

Catch you later.

Ok.

Aw.

All right. Let's get outta here.
Let's hit the couch.

Um...

You know what, honey?
Since we're here,

why don't, why don't
we stay for a song?

Are you serious?

Sure. Why not?

All right. I'm warnin' ya. I picked up
a few new moves, so don't be scared.

All right, come on. Show me
what you're workin' with.

All right.

Come on. Come on.

Oh, boy! Oh, yeah! Shake it.
Oh yeah. Watch it.

Watch the back. Watch the back.
Watch the back.

Oh, yeah, I'm watchin'. I'm watchin'.
There you go.

Come on. Oh, yeah. Work it, baby.
Work it.

There it is. There it is.

Oh, yeah. Wow.

Oh, my God.

That little boy's gonna
break the junior record.