The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 14 - Double Downer - full transcript

Hey, I'm going to the gym.

You sure you don't want to come?

Hmm. No, but you're
adorable to keep asking.

Oh, shoot. I need a towel.

Aw, come on.

Now, don't do this to me now.
Work.

Work.

Are you seriously
stealing my batteries?

Yeah.

So when I got to the gym,

I'd just find out that
my batteries were dead?



Yeah. And I left
your walkman on play

so you'd think you
did it yourself.

That's just evil.

And you're married to it.

Don't steal my stuff, ok?

By the way, if you could,
uh, manage to roll yourself

off the couch, there's
a whole drawer

of batteries upstairs
in my office.

Hope you can smell
smoke, sister.

♪ My back is gettin' tight

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

Bye, hon.

No time for breakfast.

Not that you're making any.



Wait, wait. Don't go yet.

I got something for you.
Wait, wait, wait.

Come on.

Kitchen sex?

No. It's not sex.

You know what? I really am late.

No! Come on, Doug. I am
trying to do something here.

What? Come on.

Come on, come on.

I don't know what I'm doing?

Come on. Gimme a spin.
Gimme something.

What am I doing? Shake it!
Shake it!

I don't even know
what I'm doing.

There you go.

I'm starting to sweat,

and you're not telling
me what's going on.

We are doing this to remind you

of our first date,
where we went?

To 2nd base?

Salsa dancing.

This weekend is the anniversary
of our first date,

and by the way, you didn't
get to 2nd base, ok?

You got under sweater,
but over bra.

Well, if you'd have told me
the clasp was in the front,

I would've got there.

Come on. I made
reservations in the city

at this place
called El caliente.

They serve you a
romantic dinner,

they give you salsa lessons,

the band plays all night.
It'll be fun.

Salsa dancing?

That's got "split my pants"
written all over it.

Doug, that was a
very important night

for our relationship,

and I want to do something
special to remember it.

But we never
celebrated it before.

I know. But I was
reading this magazine,

and don't roll your eyes,

but the article said it's
important in a relationship

to have tent poles.

Tent poles? Like in the circus?

No, no. They're like
the big moments

that the rest of your
relationship is draped on.

If you don't have
the tent poles,

♪ Then you have nothing...
stop that!

What?

Will you go salsa dancing
with me this weekend?

Ok, all right. God bless.
We'll go dancing, huh?

I want you to have tent poles.
All right?

Thank you.

Last chance for kitchen sex.

Actually, now I'm late.

Hey, Heffernan.

Hey, boss. H-h-how was
your, uh, weekend?

My bird died. I had
him for 31 years.

Oh! 31 years. That's...
that's a good ride.

For a bird.

Had a 300-word vocabulary.

The only words he couldn't
say were "I ate glass."

Yikes.

So you, uh... You gonna
get another one?

Oh, sure. Just get another one.

They're all the same.
Feathers and a beak.

That's all you people see!

I'm sorry. I put him in
the ground this morning.

Just get to work.

Hey. Hey. I've been
looking for you, man.

What's up, player?

This weekend, I'm
throwing a trip together

to Atlantic city.

Really? Yeah.

I... I can't go. I can't do it.

What are you talking about?
I got a ton of guys going.

Nick's going. Rico, you're
coming on my trip, right?

Sure, you got it, Jack.

It's a.C., man. It's
drinking, it's gambling,

it's cheap-ass buffeting.

You don't have to tell me what
Atlantic city is, all right?

I dream about it, for God's sakes.
I can't do it.

Carrie's got this whole salsa
dancing thing planned.

So you can bring
her on the trip.

Kelly's coming. Carrie
can yap-yap with her,

get her off my case
for 5 minutes.

Uh, it's not gonna work.

She's all psyched
about this weekend

because it's the anniversary
of our first date.

That's a chokehold right there.

Aw, man. There's no
trip without you.

You're the straw that
stirs the drink, man.

Just let it go, ok? I
can't be the straw.

All right. Let me come at
this another way, all right?

Atlantic city.

I'm in.

That's my boy.

I just gotta think of
a way to tell Carrie.

Why don't you just do
what I did and tell her,

"oh, you're going, woman."

Right. I might have to
cute that one up a little.

All right. I'm out of here.

All right.

Whew!

So...

Atlantic city, huh?

There she is.

Hey, hon.

Hey.

What you got going on there?

Your emergency candy bar
melted in my purse again.

I love ya, but I just
can't do it anymore.

Come on, just 3 more months.

By the way, I bought
some new shoes

for El caliente on Saturday.

Very spiky, muy slutty.

Cool. You know I was, uh,
I was caught in traffic

and I... I know I was
mocking you before,

but I was thinking about
this whole tent pole thing.

You were?

Yeah. I think about
us sometimes.

Does that shock you?

Somewhat.

Anyway, uh, we're building the
poles of our relationship,

and I was just wondering is
one night at El caliente,

which, by the way,
means the caliente...

Really enough?

What do you mean?

I just think we should do
something really special here.

Maybe like a weekend
sort of thing.

Something that we can drive
to that's not too far,

like Atlantic city or something?

Are you saying you want to
go on the trip with Deacon?

I'm sorry. Who-con?

I'm best friends with
his wife, you moron.

We had lunch today.

Didn't think that one through.

Ok, look, I'm sorry, but I...

I honestly think Atlantic city

could be a great tent
pole for us, too.

How? You play Blackjack all day,

and then I watch you actually
eat all you can eat?

We'll do all the things
that you want to do.

We'll have a romantic dinner,

we'll go dancing, we'll
walk on the boardwalk,

and you can get a nice
massage at the spa

and I can do a little gambling.

I mean, it'll be a great weekend

'cause we'll both be happy.

And isn't that what
tent pole really means?

No, not really. But you sold me.

Ok. We can go.

Thank you. Welcome.

All right.

Hello?

The straw is in the drink.

What? Who is this?

It's Doug, you idiot. I'm in.
I got her on board.

Cool.

Is that Deacon?

Uh, yeah.

Ask him if Kelly's bringing
her workout clothes.

Carrie wants to know if Kelly's
bringing her workout stuff.

H-hold on.

Kel, you bringing
your workout stuff?

I don't know what I'm doing
about anything anymore.

Undecided.

She's not sure.

Ok.

All right. Well, I guess the
next time I'll see you,

I'll be in your vodka tonic.

What?

I'm the straw.

I gotta go.

A-all righty.

Gotta tell ya, I am liking
this whole Egyptian thing.

How much did you tip
the mummy back there?

I gave him a dollar.

Doug.

Well, he did nothing.
He opened the car door

and then he checked out my buns.

He should be tipping me.

Oh.

Have you seen anybody else yet?

No.

Uh, hi. I can help
you over here.

Oh. Hi. Hi.

Checking in. Heffernan.

Heffernan...

Doug and Carrie. I
have you right here,

and we've got a very nice room
on the 14th floor for you.

Oh. Great. Um, by the way,

what's your most romantic
restaurant here?

Uh, that would be
queen nefertiti's.

Nefertiti's?

Should be, like, the name
of a strip club, huh?

Check out her titis.

Here are your hotel
keys and, uh...

Oh, we have a message.

Um, "tried to call you at home.
Something came up."

"Trip's off, but you two
have a kick-ass time.

Deacon."

Huh? Deacon canceled?
What's that about?

I don't know. He said
something came up.

Actually, this... this
could be kind of nice,

just the two of us.

Hey, Heffernan. You made it.
Thank God.

I thought it was
gonna be just me.

By the way, honey, you
look beautiful tonight.

Y-you really do. You look great.

Thank you, Doug.

Yeah, she does. She really does.

Thank you, Mr. O'Boyle.

Hi. I'm Pam. I'll
be your waitress.

Could I get you folks started
with something from the bar?

Definitely. I'll have a glass
of chardonnay, please.

Yeah. I'll take a Heineken.

Nothing for me. I'm a
recovering alcoholic.

Ok.

Recovering alcoholic.

I guess we'll just
have to have our fun

at the Blackjack tables.

I don't gamble, Doug.

You don't gamble.

Nope. Not unless I want to
lose another house and family.

Ah, you know what?

You kids, you don't need the
boss here to bring you down.

Maybe I should just
shoot a cup of coffee

and drive back to the city.

You want me to go?

No. No. No, no, no.

We want you to stay
right here with us?

What, are you kidding me?

Well, ok, then. What the hell?
I'll stay.

Super.

Hey, I saw a rack full of
brochures in the lobby

with lots of fun things to
do without dice or booze

here in Atlantic city. I'll go
check 'em out. Don't go anywhere.

Oh, we won't.

He wanted to leave.

No, he did not. He was
just saying that.

Ok, little tip, Doug.

When a weird and boring
guy offers to leave,

you say, "drive safely."

He's my boss. He can make
things very bad for me.

Oh, and I can't?

I can make it bad for you in
ways he's never dreamed of.

Why do you gotta go there?

Another thing, Doug.
Do you know what?

If we would have done what
I wanted to do tonight,

you would be eating a
Brazilian steak right now,

getting ready to rub up against
me on the dance floor.

Instead, we're eating with a man

who keeps a feather from his
dead bird in his wallet.

He's grieving, ok?

And this isn't my fault.
It's Deacon.

He's the one who wanted
me to come down here.

What the heck is
going on with him?

Hi. You've reached Deacon,
Kelly, Kirby, and major.

We're not home, so leave
a message at the beep.

Hey, Deac, I-it's Doug. Little
question for ya, buddy:

Where the hell are you?

You know where I am? I'm in a.C.

Remember you said I'm the
straw that stirs the drink?

Well, guess what's getting
sucked through me right now?

O'Boyle.

The point is, this
was your trip.

N-now, come on. Get in the
car and get down here.

I'm dying.

Did I tell you we could
have a good time

without gambling or what?

Yeah. How about that,

uh, Ripley's believe
it or not museum, huh?

You know what I
couldn't believe?

The condition of the
women's restroom.

Hey, let me buy the two
of you a thank-you drink.

Oh, you know, we're ok.

No, no. You two paid for
the rickshaw, right?

I want to do this. Come on.

I promise this is
the last thing.

Doug, I am ready to
run out into the sea.

Look, we're at the finish line.

You've been a champ.
Just one drink.

So, here we are

7 hours later.

Wow. Look at that.

I used to love to dance.

Did you, now?

Carrie, I'm a little bit Rusty,

but would you do
me the pleasure?

You know what? Uh...

That sounds great.

Oh, I'm sorry, Doug.

Do you mind if I dance
with your freako boss

on the anniversary
of our first date?

If you wanna.

Hey, yo, Doug! There you are!

Hey, buddy, you made it!
Hey, Deac's here!

Hey, Deac! Where...
where's Kelly?

Huh? Your wife. Kelly.

Oh, she left me.

She took her clothes
and the kids

and just, uh, skedaddled.

All right. Point me
to the $100 tables,

and let's get this
party wagon rolling.

Whoo!

My God.

I can't believe Kelly left him.

I'm still getting
over a black guy

using the word "skedaddled."

Doug.

Look, you... you're
her best friend.

You just had lunch with her.
Didn't she say anything?

No, nothing. Go...
go talk to him.

All right.

All right. Change me, baby.

Hey, Deac.

I'm gonna make this
table beg for mercy.

Come on, yo! 11!

Listen, guy, I... I know you're...
whoa.

Those chips you're
betting are $25 each.

Oh. So, let's double 'em.

Got a new shooter.

You want to jump on board?
I'm feelin' lucky tonight.

No. Look, bro. We can go
talk and get a beer...

Not until I win a big bag of money.
Now come on!

Papa needs a whole new family!

9. 9 is the point.

Easy point. 9 will be fine.

I understand what's going on,
but you gotta talk to me.

9. Winner. Whoo!

Well, maybe I'll just
piggy-back on you here.

You know, Palmer, I know
what you're going through.

If you want to talk to
somebody, you can come to me.

Uh, sir, are you playing?

Just 100.

All right, we got
the boss on board.

Let's win one for the big man.
Come on!

Yo! 11!

Yes! That's what
I'm talking about.

All right. Keep it moving.
Keep it moving.

Keep it moving.

6. The point is 6.

All right. 6. Pickin' up sticks.

5. 5. We're still alive.

What is going on?

We need a 6.

Doug!

7 up.

Nice job, jinxy.

New shooter.

I-I-I-I'm gonna hit the slots.

7. Yeah! Huh!

Who do you have to boff

to get a whiskey sour
around here, huh?

Hey, Deac, hold up.

Stop and tell us
what's going on.

I already told you.
Kelly left me.

She took the kids

and went to her mother's
in new brunswick.

Well, did you, like,
have any idea

that this was gonna happen?

No. I knew we were
having problems,

but I didn't think
it was this bad.

I thought you guys were
working things out.

I don't know.

We got into this huge
fight yesterday,

and she started talking about
how she married too young,

how... how our whole
relationship just wasn't right,

how we didn't have
any tent poles.

I mean, tent pole.

What the hell does
that even mean?

What?

You told Kelly to
get tent poles?

I mentioned the article to her.

I didn't know she was thinking
about leaving Deacon.

Maybe she wasn't till
you got a hold of her.

Oh, that's... you heard him.

They were having
problems anyway.

Only problem is you going...

Tent pole. Would you stop?

I could tell Deacon right now,

and he wouldn't blame me at all.

Oh, really? No.

Well, then why don't ya?

Ok, fine. I'm going.

Ok.

Oh! Spank me with a shovel.

Hey, Deac.

Hey.

Hey, you know what
drives me crazy?

Those old women who play,
like, 5 machines at once.

I say, "back it off, granny.
Give us kids a chance."

Anyway, you, uh... you said
that Kelly mentioned something

about tents or tent poles.

Funny thing.

Um, I had lunch with
Kelly last week.

We were just gabbing away
about shoes and recipes.

You know, girl stuff.

Anyhow, um, she seemed like she
could use some perkin' up,

so I... I may have
said just in passing

that it was important to
have, um, tent poles.

But then, we... we got back
to the shoe thing, you know?

Oh, it turns out we
both need clogs.

She got that crap from you?

She may have.

Well, what did you
tell her that for?

Hey, come on. It's
not her fault.

I know.

It's just...

It's gonna be ok, buddy.
We love you.

Yeah. We're gonna get
you through this.

We're here for you.

Oh, we have a $1,500 winner!

Congratulations.

Ok. 100,

200, 300...

We're still here for you.
Just a second.

400, 500...

Hey, smile for the camera.

700, 800, 900, 1,000,

1,100, 1,200...

Yeah!

1,500.

I gotta be honest.

I think we found a
lot of tent poles.

I mean, hey, nefertiti's,

an unbelievable Caesar salad.

I didn't expect that. Did you?
I didn't. It was incredible.

I didn't even know what they
made their croutons out of,

but they were incredible.
Unbelievable.

And not only that,
I think next year,

you know what we should do?
We should try Vegas.

We'll find so many tent poles.

Wow. I don't think my boss' ass

has ever been quite
this close to my face.

You know what that
means, my friend?

Another tent pole.

Hey, do I have to tip the
mummy again on the way out?