The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 13 - Food Fight - full transcript

Doug!

I'm here. I'm ready.

Where's the blanket?

What?

I just yelled up for you
to bring down a blanket.

Oh, I couldn't understand you,

but whatever you wanted,

I was just hoping
it would blow over.

Well, it hasn't.

We are seeing a
movie in the park,

and I would prefer a
layer of protection



between me and whatever the
police horse just left.

Oh, it's not bad enough

going out with Spence
and his new girlfriend,

we gotta go see a
movie in a park?

Doug, I think it's great
that he finally has a date.

Come on. You have
to be supportive.

He is your friend.

Yeah, but he's, he's not
a double-date friend.

He's, he's the 3rd wheel.

He's the one who
watches the coats

when the rest of us
are out dancing.

Well, tonight he has a date,

and we have to leave
in 5 minutes.

So you, uh, still on
this blanket kick or...



Yes! Go!

Dad, your dinner's ready!

Great. I worked up
quite an appetite

at my "movement to music" class.

Bring on the vittles.

Here you go.

A meal in a tray. Thank
you, stewardess.

When do we land?

I'm sorry, dad.

I didn't have time to
make you a whole thing.

Probably for the best,

based on last night's
pink-chicken scare.

What are you doing?

What? You wanted a blanket.

That is the comforter
from our bed.

Why do you always give me jobs
where you know I'm gonna fail?

So what movie we seein', anyway?

Casablanca.

Oh, a black and white movie?

It's a great movie.

Dad, back me up here.

Casablanca?

Never saw it.

You must have.

Humphrey bogart owns a cafe.

Ingrid bergman
walks back into...

Don't ruin it for me!

LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!

I'm sorry I was in no
condition to receive you

when you called
on me last night.

It doesn't matter.

What is the matter with you?

I gotta keep shifting.

My ass is so asleep,
it's dreaming.

Isn't this cool?

You got bogart, great outdoors,

and this pretty lady.

Isn't he cute?

He is.

Yeah, he's like a little
bobble-head doll of himself.

Hey, anybody hungry?
I made some stuff.

Uh... mango spring rolls.

Mmm-hmm.

And cider-basted spare ribs

there you go.

Wow, Becky, you made all
this for the movie?

Oh, it was no trouble.

You put me to shame.
All I have is a cloret

and some old
birth-control pills.

Mangia.

Oh, don't worry. I go to
the culinary institute,

so this is a project
for one of my classes.

Well, feel free to
tell the teacher

the Doug ate your homework.

Oh, what is this?

Oh, it's a shrimp-
and-chive quesadilla,

with salsa-and-
chili sour cream.

Really?

You like it?

Like it? I got a
chunk in my teeth,

I'm saving for the ride home.

Really? You're so nice.

Why are you picking
out the chives?

Because they aggravate my
patamkin-Reese syndrome.

Mmm!

What? What? What? What?

What are these crispy nuggets,

and why aren't they in every vending
machine across the country?

Here. Try them with
the dipping sauces.

What have you got?

I got honey-mustard and,
don't laugh, chocolate.

Don't you laugh when I
dip one nugget in both.

Oh, you got Casablanca!

It's marvelous.

Bogart chooses the greater
good over his own desires.

Quite an uplifting message.

I know. It's a classic.

Personally, I would have
turned the other guy in,

taken Ingrid bergman
back to the hotel,

and rounded up her
"usual suspects,"

if you know what I mean.

I do,

which is why I just brought
up a little muffin.

Actually, while I was
at the video store,

another box caught my eye.

Some kind of a holiday picture.

It's a wonderful life?

Who knows?

Maybe I discovered a hidden gem.

Keep me posted.

Hey, honey.

Hi. You want to
order some takeout?

Nah, I'm not really hungry.

Seriously. Where do you
want to order from?

Nah, I'm not hungry. I
was over at Spence's,

and Becky made me
these incredible

grilled scallops with bacon.

Bacon!

Why didn't you tell me you
were having dinner over there?

I've been waiting.

I wasn't planning on it.

I stopped by, and she
asked me my opinion

on a few of her recipes.

I actually brought a
couple scallops for you,

but there's a very long light
at northern boulevard,

and they went away.

Well, you took 'em as
far as you could, hon'.

Get this. She asked me if I'd do
this for her, like, twice a week.

What do you mean?

Like, go over there and eat?

Yeah.

Well, why can't
Spence just help her?

'Cause he's allergic
to everything.

The guy's, like, one
sesame seed away

from living in a plastic bubble.

Ok, well, if that's
what you wanna do.

What? Wh-what's the matter?

I just don't think with
your 4-digit cholesterol

that eating professionally is the
best move for you right now.

Come on, car'.

I'm serious.

So am I.

Look, I've eaten a lot
of food in my day,

cooked by a lot of
different people,

and I gotta tell you,
this kid's got it.

Carrie, let me be part of this.

Like superman,

I was put here for a reason.

What are you cooking, Becky?

You got monterey Jack cheese
melting inside the burger?

It's an inside-out cheeseburger,

is that what you're tellin' me?

Oh, God, does that sound good.

Ok, let me just throw
this at you, ok?

Now, what if instead of fries,

you went with sweet
potato wedges?

Oh, stop. Stop. Hey!

Einstein was a genius.

Oh, hey, hon'.

Ok, so I'll see you Thursday.

All right, bye.

Surprised you didn't
try to suck the food

through the phone line.

Ok, look, before you
start copping attitude,

I'm going to the gym again,

so with all the extra
food, it's a push.

This area right here
will remain unchanged.

That's my pledge to you.

It's not just that, Doug.

It's this whole
thing with Becky.

Thing? There isn't a thing.

Oh, I think there's a thing.

You're saying, that
I'm attracted to her?

I don't know what it is, Doug.

All I know is you just spent a
half hour on the phone with her.

"You hang up."
"No, you hang up."

Look, I am not interested
in Becky at all.

We have one thing in common. That's it.
You're being ridiculous.

I don't think I am.

Oh, so according to you,
it is somehow wrong for me

to go to my friend's house

where his girlfriend
cooks me stuff.

Yeah.

Where does it end, Carrie?

Hey, you know what?

The 70-year-old dispatcher lady at I.P.S.
Made me brownies.

Should I just march
into her cage and go,

"you know what, chantelle?
It is over!"

The point is I don't have

little relationships
with other men

where I'm talkin' to
them on the phone,

hangin' out because we
have stuff in common,

because I know it
would bother you.

Well, you know what? It
absolutely wouldn't.

No? No? Because there's
a partner at my work

who keeps asking me to go jogging
with him in the morning.

He's one of the younger partners,
you know, on his way up,

so I guess it would be fine
with you if I did that?

Yeah.

Oh, good. Good. I'm glad
we had this conversation,

because this opens up a
whole new world for me.

You know, they say
you actually burn

more calories speed-walking
than running.

Really?

Spence?

Oh, hey, Carrie.

Oh, I gotta stop.

He owes me money.

I'll circle around.

Oh, ok!

Here we go, Alan. Come on.
Here we go.

Who was that?

He's one of the partners
from my law firm.

Listen, if Doug asks, he's
got a rock-hard ass, ok?

Ooh, what's going on?

What's going on is

I'm jogging with this
putz every morning

because Doug is spending all
this time with your girlfriend.

Yeah, what is up with them?

I don't know. You tell me.

Well, they're so annoying.

You know, "ooh,
Doug, taste this.

"Doug, dip that.

Spence, go get Doug
a shrimp fork."

Oh, I know! And how about that

"incredible veal
dish" she makes,

all right? Not getting that.
Thank you!

It's like ease the throttle
on the garlic, honey.

It's pure showboating. I know!

You... you coming, Carrie?

Oh. Yeah.

Just get me my friggin' money.

Rock-hard ass!

No, honey, it's me.

Carrie, these jogs
are wiping you out.

You really don't need to keep
doin' this to prove a point.

I am not doing this
to prove a point.

I love the chill
of early morning.

If hanging out with Becky
bothers you this much,

you know what? It's...
it's not worth it.

Really? Yes.

And you know what? In
fact, come with me.

Loving husband in action.

Here we go.

This is the kind of guy
you married, right here.

It's her machine.

Becky, hi. Yeah, it's Doug.

Listen, I'm not gonna
be able to come over

and do the food thing anymore.

Yeah, I'm really busy at work,

and I got a lot of
things going on,

so from now on just send
the food over with Spence,

and I'll give him
my comments, ok?

All right, thank you. Bye-bye.

See? Now everybody wins, ok?
I don't see her anymore,

and I still get to eat her food.

Which reminds me,

I got some leftover pasta here.

This is great. Ah.

Spaghetti and meatballs,
sounds boring, doesn't it?

Not when it's 3
different-colored noodles.

Mmm. Incredible.

Ok, you know what?

Um, this isn't gonna
work for me, either.

What?

Yeah.

I don't want you
eating her food.

I told you I'm not attracted,
I'm not seeing her anymore.

But you're still involved.

With her spaghetti!

Even so!

I'm eating it! I'm not
sleeping with it!

It's food!

Exactly!

It's like you're, uh,
having a food affair.

Eatin' is not cheatin'!

Well, it still bothers me.

Ok, fine. You know what?
You win, ok?

You know what? Well,
she found us out,

so I'm gonna have to end it.

Yeah, oh, yeah. I
love you, spaghetti,

but you're gonna have to go.

Oh, just one more kiss!

Oh, daddy loves you.
Oh, yes, he does.

Now, go! Go! Go! Go!

Oh, God forgive me.

Oh, it's a wonderful life.

Pretty great, huh?

Actually, I think this
one's a swing and a miss.

What are you talkin' about?

It's one of the greatest
movies of all time.

Well, I don't get it.

With George Bailey, the
town couldn't be duller.

Without him, there's
nightclubs, casinos.

It's fabulous.

I wish he never had been born.

Well, that's a fresh take on it.

By the way, I was
talking to Spence.

He was recommending a film

about a young girl from Kansas

who goes to some magical land.

Have you heard of it, darling?

Good lord.

Well, I understand there
are midgets in it,

and that spells "funny."

Anyway, I invited Spence and
his new ladyfriend over

to watch it with
us tomorrow night.

What? No.

What's the matter?

Oh, I... I had this
big thing with Doug

and Spence's girlfriend.

It's a long story,
but basically,

he likes her spaghetti too much.

I see, and, uh,

what is "spaghetti"
a euphemism for?

No, dad, he really just
likes her spaghetti.

Uh-huh,

and did you catch him
"liking her spaghetti"?

Dad, it's really the food.

Becky's a great cook,

and Doug loves what she makes.

Well, what's wrong with that?

I want him to like
what I make, you know?

It's like remember how mom used
to make those huge dinners

with the homemade
biscuits and gravy.

You'd be so happy.

Oh, sure, but your
mother was home all day.

You're a career woman.

Yeah, but even if
I wasn't, I mean,

I'm not like mom or Becky.

I don't have it in me.
I'm not a nurturer.

Of course you are.

You've been nothing but
warm and loving to me.

Oh, that's not true.

I make you sleep
in the basement.

I know.

I was just tryin' to
throw you a bone.

Hey, man.

What's up?

That tupperware looks familiar.

Is that Becky's?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She made some stuff for me.

Said she wanted my opinion.

You know, I used to do
that, but, whatever.

Yeah, she said you
couldn't do it anymore.

Yeah, Carrie got all
psycho about it.

Oh, one man's psycho
wife is another man's

Turkey meatloaf.

And, oh...

Sweet potato wedges. Mmm.

Mmm.

Huh, you know, she, uh, she
got that idea from me,

but, hey, a billion years ago.

Mmm! Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

You know, you just...
You just can't eat it.

You gotta think
about it, you know?

You're supposed to give her
a professional opinion.

Yeah, well, my professional
opinion is "damn!"

Ok, you know what?
This isn't right.

What?

This food is supposed to be mine.
It's meant for me.

You see this label?

After the "d" it should
say "oug" not "eacon."

You're crazy, man.

No, no, no. You know what?

I'm not gone from Becky's
table for 2 minutes,

and you're already sittin' down,
stickin' your fork in my food.

You gettin' busy with
this chick, or somethin'?

No.

My God, Carrie's right.

I'm having a food affair.

Excuse me.

Hey, honey, I... I
gotta talk to you.

Hey, stir this.

What? What's going on?

Oh, my dad invited
Spence and Becky over

to watch the wizard of oz,
and I am making dinner.

I'm cooking all the things
you love in the world.

Oh, crap! Biscuits.

You don't have to do all this.

Yes, Doug,

you were not getting
what you need from me.

I need to nurture you.

No, no. I was totally wrong, ok?

I got crazy over Becky's food.

It was stupid. It's over now.

No, no, no. Listen to me.

You are a big guy.
You love food,

and I took you for granted.

I just assumed whatever
slop I put in front of you

you'd be fine with.

I was fine with it. Look at me.

I could eat the
table and be happy.

The point is I didn't put
anything into it, you know?

I didn't put any love
into it like Becky does.

Ok, Carrie, look. You
gotta believe me.

Ok, it doesn't matter what
Becky makes her food with,

love, little chunks of ham...

I don't need it.

Really?

Yeah, absolutely. I
mean, I love you,

and whatever you make for
me, that's all I need.

Thank you, honey.

Oh, that's them!

Ok, all right.

We're here.

Hi!

What's going on?

Thanks for having us.

Oh, no problem.

I threw together a little salad.

Thank you. That was so sweet.

I'm glad to help if you need me.

Oh, I'm sure you are,

but this salad is...
is quite enough,

especially after I
specifically told you

not to bring anything.

Well, I thought I
should bring something.

Yeah, sure you did, but, um,

I did tell you not
to bring anything.

I guess next time we'll just
have to put it in writing.

Honey, I'm gonna bring the
crackers in the other room.

Ok, sweetie.

All right, you listen
to me, cookie.

I'm onto your game, ok?

And it ain't gonna work.
Well, you know...

Ok, we've got fried chicken,

biscuits and gravy,

salad.

Dig in.

Everything looks great, honey.

Thank you.

Hear, hear. Bravo, Carrie.

Becky, breast or thigh?

Um, whatever you say.

Oh, wow, Carrie, you've outdone
yourself with the salad...

The pine nuts, the cheese.

Douglas, why aren't
you having salad?

Uh, uh, I'm not really
in the mood for salad.

Have some. It's delicious.

No, thank you.

Your wife has made
you salad with love.

Eat it, you ungrateful bastard!

Actually, dad,

Becky made the salad.

Oh, I see.

Well, then, have a biscuit.

Some of them came
out pretty well.

Here, honey, I'll get that.

No way.

You made a delicious,
nurturing meal.

I'm cleaning up, ok?

Yeah?

Absolutely. I'm full here,

but more importantly,
I'm full here.

I can't believe he's never
seen the wizard of oz.

So how you liking
it so far, dad?

Is anyone else but me terrified?

Who wants some more coffee?

Uh, sure.

Ok, I'll go make another pot.

I can explain.

Salad?

I was just, I wasn't...

I... I could understand if
it was a piece of fudge,

maybe a calzone, but a salad?

You would do this
to me over a salad?

I'm very weak.

Ok, here's how it's
gonna go down.

You're gonna clean
the blue cheese

from underneath your
stubby little fingernails,

then you're gonna
rinse out that bowl.

If I see another piece of
that woman's tupperware

in my kitchen again,

I'll kill you both.

What are you gonna

whip one of your
biscuits at my head?

Oh, God.

Darling, come here.

I've stumbled on a marvelous
television program.

Oh, yeah?

Yes, it's a period piece
about a simpler time.

Let me bring you up to speed.

The one in the leather
jacket is called "Fonzie."