The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 12 - Ovary Action - full transcript

♪ Santa claus is comin'

♪ to town

Carrie!

Yeah?

Don't come down yet. I'm
wrapping your Christmas present.

Ok.

All right, you can
come down now.

One sec.

What are you doing, anyway?

Peeing on a stick.

I'm hoping it's a
pregnancy test.



Here it is.

So? We getting a baby or what?

I don't know. We'll
know in 3 minutes.

Oh, come on, be
positive, be positive.

Daddy wants to be a daddy!

All right, stop waving it.
It's not a polaroid.

Just set it down there.

Set it down!

God, I just wanna be
pregnant, already.

We've been trying for so
long, and I'm sick of it.

Thank you.

I'll telling you, if
I'm not pregnant,

I'm gonna call that fertility
place and make an appointment.

Stop it. We don't
need to go there.



Why not?

We've... we've been trying
for 5 months, and zippo.

Why are you so opposed
to getting checked out?

Because we'll be sitting
in the waiting room

and people will look over at us,

and let's face it, they're
gonna assume it's me.

Well, if it makes you
feel any better,

I will announce to the room

that you are a champion sperm
donor from yugoslavia.

Look. We don't need a clinic.

I'm telling you, that test
is gonna come up positive.

I can feel it.

Yeah? How do you know?

'Cause the other night,
when we were trying,

I was right on the money.

I made good contact,
I followed through.

You gotta get the legs into
it, that's the key. The legs.

Ah!

Well, I hope you're right.

It would be nice to be pregnant
for Christmas, wouldn't it?

Yeah, and when my
parents come up,

we can give them the
good news in person.

Actually, that's gift enough,

we can return the
matching sweat suits.

Oh, that reminds me,

I gotta get the office cleaned
up and the futon ready for them.

You did tell them they were staying
in the office this time, right?

Uh...

You are such a wimp!

Carrie, it's hard. I mean,

the... the first time they came
to visit we gave them our room.

Sliding them across the hall now

would be a delicate
bit of business.

Why? When we go to
visit them in Florida,

they don't give us their
bedroom, do they?

No, we sleep on a fold-out
couch that smells like a cat.

And need I remind you
they don't have a cat?

Look, you're right. I'm sorry.

I just can't look my
parents in the eyes

and say, you know, "mom, dad",

you're sleeping next to the fax machine.
Merry Christmas!"

You don't have to say anything.

When you bring their
suitcases upstairs,

just put them in the office.

You're smart.

I'm not that smart,

just smarter than you, honey.

Say, whose negative
pregnancy test is this?

♪ Silent night

♪ holy...

Night.

Thank you, darling.

♪ Holy night

♪ all is well

you hungry, dad? You want a
snack before Holly comes?

Sure do.

Why, what is this?

A festive platter of
assorted cheeses!

Hello, Cincinnati!

Don't unwrap that.

I'll make you a tuna sandwich.

I see.

A cheese platter
suddenly appears,

yet I'm forbidden to partake.

This couldn't possibly
have anything to do

with the impending arrival of
Douglas' parents today, could it?

It's not just for them,
it's for all of us.

Oh, splendid. Then
you won't mind

if I take a spoon to
the wheel of brie.

Dad, you are driving me crazy.
Stop it!

No, I will not stop it!

In the 4 years I've been here,

you never once bought me a
cheese platter. Not once!

Then I'll buy you one next week.

I don't want cheese out of pity!

I want cheese out of love!

You love your parents more than me.
Admit it!

Done.

Hello?

Hello, Holly. Hi.

Hey. Hi.

Oh, look, Arthur, you and scout
are wearing the same sweater.

Did you guys call each
other this morning?

No, but I will admit I saw him
wearing that the other day,

and he looked quite sharp.

Ok, let's go. Bye, guys.

Hang on one sec.

Dad! I just opened up a
can of tuna for you!

Well, when it turns
into delicious cheese,

I'll eat it!

You know what?
That sounds great.

Yes, we'll see you in a half-hour.
Thank you so much.

All right. Bye-bye.

Who are we seeing in a half-hour?
The fertility doctor.

They had a cancellation.

Come on, they can get
us in right now.

Now?

We got to pick my
parents up at 3:00.

It'll be perfect. We'll
go get checked out,

then we'll go straight
to the airport.

I don't feel like dealing
with this today.

Why not?

'Cause I'd... I'd rather be
told to switch to baggy shorts

after new year's.

Let's go. Come on.

Ok. Well, I'm
pleased to tell you

that the preliminary
tests we took today

have been enough for us
to isolate the problem.

Oh, well, that's good. So...
so what's going on?

Doug. Yeah?

Your sperm count and
motility check out fine.

Yes!

Love you guys!

Sorry. I'm sorry.

However, Carrie,

we did find something
irregular in your tests.

Apparently, you have only
one functioning ovary.

Which means you're only fertile

half as often as you
would otherwise be.

Really?

There are some drugs
you can take,

but I'm hoping that that
won't be necessary.

Um, actually, as a
matter of fact,

you are beginning an
ovulation cycle today.

I am?

Yes, you are. These next 3
days would be a perfect time

for you to try to get pregnant.

So,

my professional advice is

get crackin'.

So what's new, kids?

Come on in, come on in.

Oh, my goodness, Carrie,

the house looks beautiful.

It's so festive.

Thank you, Janet.

Hey!

Where's that Miami dolphins
ornament I sent you?

You didn't hang it up?

No, I got my jets
ornament up there.

So?

So? I'm not gonna cancel
out my jets ornament

with the freakin' dolphins!

What are you, crazy?

One ornament doesn't
cancel out another.

Dad, they're both in the a.F.C.
East.

While you two discuss the
true meaning of Christmas,

can I make anybody some coffee?

That would be lovely, dear.

Do you need some help?

You know what, mom, you relax.
I'll-I'll help her out.

Leave his ornament alone, Joe.

I was taking a candy cane!

So how you... how you doing?

Well, it wasn't my most favorite
trip to the doctor I've ever had.

Did you have any idea before?

Like, did you feel weird in, like, a...
a one-ovaryish kind of way?

Well, I wasn't
tipping to one side,

if that's what you mean.

This sucks!

Look, you heard what
the doctor-lady said.

You still got one that's
open for business.

That's true.

We've got 3 fertile
days coming up,

so we gotta make this happen.

Hey, with my bullets,

I can knock up you and
anyone standing behind you.

I just wish we weren't
going through this

with your parents visiting,

but at least we'll have our
room this time, right?

Yeah.

Oh, God! The suitcases!

Go!

Mom! Mom!

What? What are you running
around crazy for?

I'm not. I... I... I just...
H-here, let me take those.

Oh, thank you, darling.

God forbid your father should
get off his you-know-what.

Yeah.

Uh, you know what? Follow
me into the office.

Here we go.

All right.

There we go. Now we're in...
in business.

Lookin' good, huh?

Why are we in here?

Oh, uh, well, to tell
you the truth, mom,

Carrie and I were talking

and, uh, we thought that
you might like to...

S-s-see our computer.

Why, dear?

Why?

We're buying you one for
your birthday, that's why!

Oh, my God!

Come on. Sit down. Try it
out, see how you like it.

That is so sweet! Yeah, sweet.

Oh, it's nice!

Hey, Spooner!

Good to see you.

Season's greetings.

Who's this?

A little young for
you, isn't she?

Hi, I'm Holly shumpert.

Joe Heffernan.

You got a couple of
nice puppies there.

Thank... oh, the dogs!
The dogs, right.

No, no. No.

They're not mine, I'm just walking them.
That's what I do.

So you're a dog Walker? Yeah.

And a very busy one, at that.

Goodbye.

So, uh, what's the
deal here, Spooner?

Are you a dog Walker, too?

You... you two work
as a team, that it?

Not exactly, n-no.

It's a Doug and
Carrie pay m-me to...

A-Arthur needs to get
out occasionally...

Now wait... wait...
wait a second.

Is she saying that
Doug and Carrie

pay a dog Walker to walk you?

She does not walk me.

She walks with me.

If I want to go left, I go left,

if I want to go
right, I go right.

No dog on this earth has
that kind of leeway!

You had her suitcase
in this room.

You couldn't just
close the deal?

I just froze up.

I tried to speak, but the
words wouldn't come.

All right, forget about it.
It's not the end of the world.

By the way, we got to
buy her a computer.

Ok

You know what?

If I don't get a friggin'
baby out of this,

you are so dead. Yeah.

All right.

Hop on in, butch.

Oh, God, it's creaking.

That's ok. Just come on.
It's not gonna hold us.

Just go slow. Come on!

You see? There, it stopped.

'Cause I'm just lying here, but
once we start doing stuff,

it's gonna sound like
geppetto's workshop in here.

You're gonna be fine.

You ready? Yeah.

All right, here we go.

Ok. Easy.

All right.

Ok.

Yeah?

Hey, Dougie, I
forgot to tell you,

I promised Lou dimaria

that we'd go see his grandkid

in this Christmas choir
show tomorrow night.

You remember Lou?

Yeah, Lou. Yeah.

Yeah. So you'll come?

It'll mean a lot to
Lou and your mother.

Sure, dad. We're there.

Ok. Good night.

Good night.

Ok. That didn't help.

No.

Has you dad always had those
brown spots on his legs?

I couldn't tell you.

They could laser
those right off.

You know, this isn't
helping, either.

Ok. I'm sorry. You're right.
I love you. Ok. Come on.

I love you.

We're getting a fax.

This won't take long.

We'll have sex in a minute.

Ok. All right.

All right.

Ok, I'm at least 6 inches
lower than last time.

You know what? Let's just
forget about this tonight,

and tomorrow morning, we'll
talk to your parents,

tell them what's going on and have
them give us our bedroom back.

I don't want to have that
conversation with them. Why not?

'Cause I don't feel like asking
them to help me have sex, ok?

I'm funny that way.

All right, how about this:

Tomorrow night we blow
off that choir thing,

and we'll have the
house to ourselves.

No, we can't blow it off,
it's Lou dimaria's grandkid.

Who the hell is Lou dimaria?

Uh, Lou dimaria of
Lou dimaria Subaru?

Oh!

Oh, my God! I had no idea!

He's an old friend
of the family, ok?

I'll get the job done now. I'll figure
a way to do it. Now let's do it.

You're hot, I love you, let's do it.
All right.

Ok.

Yeah?

I hear you're joining us for
Lou's grandson's choir recital.

We are so happy!

So you want to keep going...

I couldn't make love to
Julia Roberts right now.

♪ 4 calling birds

Friggin' kids.

What's the matter?

What's the matter is, I've
only got one good ovary,

it's firing right now,

and I'm stuck here
listening to these losers.

Come on, back it down a notch.

I'm not gonna back it down.
I want a baby.

Can't we just get out of here?

No. Why?

We live 5 minutes from here.
We can...

We can go home for a half-hour,

do what we gotta
do, and get back

before they get to
the hanukkah songs.

I don't know.

Come on, your parents
won't even notice.

I think it's fate that we
couldn't find seats next to them.

It's like the
spirit of Christmas

is telling us to go home
and squeeze in a quickie.

All right, but be careful.

This place is crawling
with dimarias. Ok.

And now, would you
all please join us

for our famous
jingle bells dance!

♪

Oh, I'm sorry.

My wife has one ovary.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells

♪ jingle all the way

Want to dance with us, sir?

I can't. My wife's
got a bad ovary.

Oh, come on!

No, she really does.
One bad one.

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride

Ok. We've got a problem.

I only have one good ovary.

Oh, my!

Yeah, and we're trying
to make you a grandkid,

but it turns out these 3 days,

the 3 days that you
guys are here,

are our last shot to conceive
for a couple of months.

Actually, we're down
to one night now.

I told you it wasn't Dougie.

We're so sorry. What
can we do to help?

Well, um,

a little more privacy might
make it easier for us.

Why didn't you say so
in the first place?

Joe, maybe we should
go to a hotel.

What? Why?

Why?

'Cause Dougie can't make love
with us across the hall.

Why the hell not? He
did it in high school.

Never! Sure!

With that, uh, that girl
that played lacrosse.

What was her name, son?

Betsy Keenan.

Yeah, that's right!

They were in the den. I
heard 'em plain as day.

You fell asleep watching Carson.

I had no idea.

I hope you used
ñprotection, dear.

Oh, God.

I got it, darling.

Oh, good morning, Holly. Hi.

I'll see you all later.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold
up there, Spooner.

Janet, this is the one I
was telling you about,

the one that walks Arthur.

Hi, happy holidays!

Hi.

Hey, I could use some fresh air.

You mind if I join
you on the walk?

No, I don't mind.

Terrific! All right!

I'll see you all in a
couple hours, huh?

Ok. Here's an idea.

How about if Joe and I go out
to dinner tonight with Arthur

and leave the whole
house to you kids?

And you can take your
bedroom back, too.

That would be perfect, Janet.
Thank you.

Our pleasure.

So.

What time do you need
us to stay out until?

Uh, midnight, 1 A.M.?

That's crazy. Don't have
to stay out that late.

Well, how much time
do you need, Doug?

Definitely not till midnight.
Ok.

Uh, come back at 9:00.
9:00 is good.

9:00?

Speedy Gonzales here.

Doug, it's 8:25. I know.

They're gonna be back at 9:00.
I know that.

I'm obviously having a
little problem here.

8:26.

I don't understand this. I've
never had this problem before.

Actually, you have, honey.

Ok. That time doesn't count.

The mets had just lost
the world series.

What are you so
stressed about, anyway?

Nobody's home.

Y-your parents are out having
a nice dinner with my dad.

Exactly. They're out, so I can
be here having sex with you.

That's the entire
purpose of the dinner!

Do you realize the
pressure that puts on me?

Doug.

Doug, they're not even
thinking about you.

They're probably obsessing

over how little they
can leave the waiter.

Believe me, they're
talking about us.

"So, you think they made
us a grandchild yet,

or should we get
some more coffee?"

"I don't know. Ask Spooner."

"I invented coffee!"

It's 8:27.

It's 8:27!

Come on. Come on. Damn you!

Doug, that is not
gonna help you relax.

Oh, damn you.

Doug, listen to me.
Listen to me.

Just forget about
everything, everyone, ok?

It's just you and me here.

Just come back to bed. Ok?

Ok.

Ok.

Ok. All right.

Let me fluff up your pillow

the way you like it. All right?
Okey-doke.

What was that?

No. It's done. It's done.

Oh, my God. It's my
mother's pajamas!

Oh, my God! Mama's p.J.S.

All gone! All gone!
Mama's p.J.S! No!

All gone! All gone! All gone!

Ok? All right. No... no... no.

Come back to bed. Come on.

This way, baby.

That's right. Come to mama.

Sorry. Bad choice of words.

All right. Now,
listen to me, you.

You are the most wonderful
man I've ever known.

And there's nothing I
want more right now

than to make a baby with you.

The thing is, we only
have 20 minutes.

Ok?

So help me help you.

Ok.

How's that?

Hmm, well, that's...
That's good right there.

All right.

Now, you just think
real sexy thoughts.

Ok. Like what?

Um, think of Alyssa Milano.

Huh? She's hot,

plus her last name's a cookie.

Ohhh, yeah. Ok.

Oh, that's good.

I know.

Why can't we go in?

Hear something? Yeah.

What is that?

You know what? I... I...
I don't know.

Where's it coming from?

Why can't we go in?

Because we're not
supposed to be back

for another 25 minutes.

They're trying to make a baby.

I'm freezing here!

Then take a walk.

Or do you only like to do that
when a pretty girl takes you?

Finally, someone had
the guts to say it!

Shh!

We are just gonna stand here
and wait here until 9:00

because that is
what Dougie needs.

Meet you back here
in a couple months.

You got it. Ok.

Carrie! I'm ready!

So, your whole family's
back in Maine, huh?

Yep. All 13 of them.

I'm the only one not still
working at the fish hatchery.

Fish hatchery, huh?

What is that, COD
country up there?

Bluefish, mostly.

Don't worry, fellas.

He's just flavor of the month.

Flavor of the month.