The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 11 - Depo Man - full transcript

Oh, my God. Coffee now.

Hey. Hey, look what
I got going here.

What?

I'm havin' my regular
cocoa krispies,

but I'm cutting them

with the more sensible
rice krispies.

And what do you get?

A healthier me.

Or you could just have
a piece of fruit.

Fruit? Why the hell do
you got to go there?

Sorry.



I'm in a bad mood
'cause of work.

Pruzan got his first
big case as partner,

and he's gone off the deep end.

I mean, could you believe
what time I got home?

Why, was it late?

It was 3:00 in the morning.

Don't you even know
when I'm not there?

I got to be honest
with you, car.

That comforter gets bunched
up, you're easy to lose.

So, what's this big
case you got, anyway?

It's actually kind
of interesting.

We're representing the
shareholders of this dot com

who claim management

ran the company into the ground.



The managers are trying
to blame everybody else,

the distributors, the
delivery services.

You're very far away
right now, aren't ya?

I'm... I'm tryin' to listen.

You just got to give me a
little more to hang on to.

Like... like instead of
saying "shareholders,"

you could say "midgets."

I got to get going.

Don't forget. You got to meet me
tonight at Danny and Spencer's.

They're having that
housewarming party thing.

Oh, my God. Is that tonight?

You have to go. We promised.

They're counting on
you to be the women.

All right. I'll see you there.

Wish me luck today.

Good luck.

I need bacon.

Partners meeting in 5 minutes.

What did I do with the
expert-witness list?

Carrie?

I'm sorry. Which list?

The list with the names
of the expert witnesses.

Comprende English?

Pull it together, Pruzan.

Pull it together.

It's ok... it's ok. Here it is.

Expert-witness list.

Let's see.

We still need to book an
inventory specialist,

a software engineer,

a delivery driver.

Carrie, your husband
drives for I.P.S., right?

Uh-huh. Great.

Could you get him or
one of his buddies

to come in and testify? Hmm?

Can you take care of that?

Um, o-ok.

That's my girl.

Hey, you better get
to your meeting.

Right.

I don't look like I've
been crying, do I?

No, you're good.

Ok.

Psycho.

Wow. Doug as a expert witness.

Doug. What do you think?

That'll be interesting.

Hey, nice party.

7 loser guys in an
apartment with no heat.

Ok. Hey, would you
quit complaining?

You know, I offered you
a mug of hot cider,

and you punched me.

And I stand by that decision.

Look. Hey, look.

You got a plate of ribs
hot off the grill.

Will that make you happy?

You just bought
yourself 10 minutes.

♪

Hey, girl.

Girl in the house!

Hey.

Welcome to casa Danny y Spence.

Let me take your coat.

Oh, ok.

Hey.

Hello. Wow.

Could you guys crank up
the heat a little bit?

Um, sorry. No can do.

Gas is broken,

and someone who's here all day

refuses to wait for the gasman.

Hey, I work the nightshift.

I need my sleep during the day.

I'm too sleepy to wake up

and answer the door.

Back off!

And back off now.

Hey, excuse me, I
need to talk to Doug

about grown-up stuff. Excuse me.

Hold on. I got another one.

You can't fire me, Mr. slate,

'cause I quit!

The bone phone.
It's a bone phone.

Hey. Hi.

Hey, baby!

How was work?

Uh, good, good.

Actually, I need to talk
to you about something.

Wait, do you need
to talk to me or to

walrus Doug?

So, what'd you have to
talk to me about, anyway?

You know what? Um,
I'll be right back.

Hi.

Oh, hey, Holly.

How was our boy's walk?

It was good.

He made snarly teeth
at a water fountain.

It was very cute.

Snarly teeth. Grrr.

Hey, when he does that,

just hit him with a
rolled-up newspaper.

So, what's up?

Middle of a conversation here.

It's... it's ok. I
have to leave anyway.

Oh, well do you want to
stay for the party or...

Party?

No, thanks. Ok, bye. See you.

See ya.

See ya later.

Stay away from her.

Well, if that's what you want,

I won't.

So, that's it.

It's one day of prep,

and one day for the deposition.
Can you do it?

100 bucks an hour just to
sit there and be an expert?

Yeah, I'll do it full-time.

Thank you.

So, what's the deal?

Doug run out of sick days?

Um, no. Actually, I... I...
I didn't ask Doug.

Oh.

Oh, my God. I should ask Doug.

I'm gonna... No, you know what?

I'm gonna go with my gut,

and my gut says you.

So, what should I say to Doug?

Well, uh, I... I thought we
can keep this between us.

Oh, my God. That sounds so evil.

Am I evil?

Do you want me to
do this or not?

Yes. Yes. Definitely.

I have total faith in you. Yeah.

Hey, hon, I was thinkin'

you must be freezin' out here,

so I just got you
that, all right?

Aw, thank you, honey.
That was so sweet.

No problem.

So, what time do you want me...

I'm gonna use Doug.

How ya doin'? Doug
Heffernan, expert.

There she is. Lookin' good.

Hey, guy, how's that water
workin' out for ya, huh?

Ok, honey, settle down.

You're an expert witness,
not a casino greeter.

I'm just excited, you know?

I mean, look at us, husband
and wife, workin' together.

We're like hart to hart here.

There's Mrs. h. She's gorgeous.

That's funny, honey.
Lower your voice.

Why, what's up?
Yeah, just listen.

Today is like a dry run, ok.

Pruzan's gonna take you
through all the questions

that the other side
might ask you when

they depose you, you got it?

I'm with ya.

Ok, let's go head on into
the conference room.

Whoa! A little harassment.

Harassment!

Listen to me.

I am gonna ask you nicely.
Stop it!

Yes, ma'am.

So?

What happens after the packages
are loaded onto the truck?

Uh, that's a... a
very good question.

An excellent question, actually.

I... I guess it... Could
I get another juice?

Thank you.

Uh, I... I guess
in layman's terms,

uh, the delivery driver

would transport the
aforementioned items,

uh, from the shipping
party to the customer,

or shipee, as it were,

so to speak.

Just to clarify, you keep
saying "aforementioned items."

I don't remember you
mentioning any items before.

Um, I think he was
referring to when

you mentioned them before, Mr.
Pruzan.

Yes, yes, exactly!

What she said, right there.

Look at that. I always
wanted to have a lawyer

whisper something in my ear.

Beg your pardon?

Uh, I'm just sayin',
if I ever, you know,

had to appear in
front of congress,

that's like the cool
move, you know?

I'm sorry, what?

I don't recall.

Morning.

Ah, look, it's Mr. nightshift.

Hey, how is your job doin'
monkey work in the dark?

Delightful.

Hmm.

Hey, is that my parka?

Yeah. Yeah, I wore it to bed.

Now it smells like me.

Gimme that back.

No. I'm smelling it up.

Give it to me, you lawn dwarf.

Oh, my.

Hi, Holly.

Oh, hey. How's it, uh, goin'?

Good, good.

I... I just came for Allen.

Oh, righto. I'll
go get his leash.

Gosh, you guys have to keep
it pretty brisk in here, huh?

Yeah. Well, actually,
our gas is not working.

Hey, how would you
like to do me a favor

and just spend the day here
waiting for the gasman?

You know, I-I-I'd pay you.

It would be nice
to earn some money

without having to scoop doodie.

I'm free Thursday if
that's good for you.

I'll call the gas company.

Great. There he is!

Hello, buddy. Hello.

Come on. Oh, who's my boyfriend?

I think it's you.

I think you're my boyfriend.

Ok, guys, I'll see you later.

See you, holl.

Wh-what was that?

That was me being
a man of action.

Emphasis on "man."

Hey, hey, hey.

I know your game, all right?

You get her in here.

She's waiting in the cold.

You're in your warm bed.

You're, "hey, Holly, why don't
you come and huddle with me"

under the blankets?
You're pretty."

Hey, hey. Look, look,
look, look, look.

If that happens, it happens, ok?

Can't fight nature.

Oh, hey, hey, I can

if I take a personal
day off of work

and keep her company
while she's waiting.

You mean, while we're waiting.

Please, you will not
be able to stay up

after working your night job.

I will after I take a fistful
of prescription stimulants.

Hey, babycakes.

Hey.

Great working with you today.

Um, yeah.

Just wanna let you know when my
expert-witness career takes off,

I'm not gonna trade you
in for a trophy wife,

unless you really
let yourself go.

So? They love me or what?

Huh?

How'd I do?

Um, you did pretty good.

Actually, now that you,
uh, brought it up,

I do have a few thoughts.

Ooh, feedback! I love it.
Bring it on.

Well, I was thinking,
you might wanna

simplify your answers
a little bit.

What do you mean?

"Aforementioned,"
"alleged package."

Use words where you're
sure of their meaning.

Ok, I will take the
aforementioned suggestion.

Which brings me to my 2nd point.

I don't think you should be
uh, jokin' around as much.

Like when?

Like when you said to Pruzan,

"you'd better be goin' somewhere
with this, counselor."

Um, this is real life,
not, law and order.

All right.

It won an Emmy, but whatever.

Anything else?

Yeah, about lunch.

Lunch? I even messed up lunch?

Well, honey, did you happen
to notice that everyone else

ordered sandwiches, and...
and you ordered what?

Jambalaya.

A giant seafood stew

that came with an extra
plate for your shells

for $31.

Well, then don't put
it on the menu.

Look, I'm just trying to give you
constructive criticism here.

Well, it's not constructive.
It's stupid.

You're picking on
the dumbest things.

They're not dumb things. They're real
things that you need to work on.

You didn't even mention any
of the good stuff I did.

And p.S., there was a
whole sack of that.

Get over yourself. You get over myself.
I'm doing you a favor.

Don't do me any favors.

Fine, then get somebody else.

I wanted someone else.

What do you mean?

I asked Deacon first, but
then I thought, no, no, no,

no, no, I'll get my husband.

You went to Deacon first?

Mmm-hmm, that's right. I
would've gone to you,

but you had a rib in
your ear at the time.

Fine. Then you know what, then?

Go get your boyfriend
Deacon to testify.

Fine. Fine.

Oh, and I'll expect
you not to wander

to my side of the bed tonight.

Carrie.

I need you to cross-reference
these files.

Also, I'm running
very low on Xanax.

Which is weird, 'cause I could've
sworn you were on top of that.

Ok, I-I'll call the pharmacy.

That'd be super.

Oh, m-Mr. Pruzan,
before I forget,

I-I wanna tell you not to worry.

I... I got you somebody else

to be your I.P.S. Witness
instead of Doug.

Deacon Palmer. He's great.

What are you doin'
to me here, car?

I just thought you might want
somebody more professional.

What? The juries
don't like that!

They like someone they
can trust, like Doug.

He's real. He's an everyman.

Well, I just thought,
the other day...

Carrie, don't you understand?

This case is a dog.
It's a loser.

The other partners were just
waiting for me to choke,

and now I am. I'm
choking, Carrie.

And it's your painted
fingers around my neck.

Now, just get me
back your husband!

Ok.

Ok.

Hey, car.

I just picked up some
toys for the kids.

$100 an hour buys...

I'm gonna use Doug.

Hey, sweetie.

Yeah, that's the stuff.

Good to be home with my man.

I missed you today. Got
used to working with you,

and then all of a sudden,
you weren't there.

I was, like, hey! Where's Mr. h?

He's gorgeous.

I thought I used big words
and ate too much shellfish?

No, no, honey. You know what?

I did some soul-searching,

and I realized none of
that stuff matters.

You matter. We matter.

Oh. Well, thanks
for sayin' that.

Hmm.

So,

you gonna come back and be
my little expert witness?

No, I don't think it's a great
idea, us to be working together,

you know? Let's just let it go.

No, come on. Do it. It'll be fun.
Do it.

I don't wanna.

Yeah, you do. Come on. Do it.

I'm not gonna do it. Do it.

Do it!

What the hell is your problem?

Ok, here's the deal.

Pruzan wants you back.

What?

Yeah, he loved you, all right?

Apparently, you're
an "everyman."

The juries eat that up.

Huh!

Hah!

Well, isn't that interesting?

Your boss loves me.

Your boss wants me back.

Well, looks like
someone didn't do

any soul-searching after all.
Come on.

I knew it was
perfectly acceptable

to order jambalaya.

Ok, you know what? You're right.

You're absolutely right.
I am sorry.

So, l-look, I'll
make it up to you.

Name it. What is it?

Strip.

What?

That's right, a
little striptease.

Off-y clothes-y.

You just pulled that
out of your hat?

Oh, no, no. I've been savin'
this one for a rainy day,

and it's pouring, sister.

Well, can't I just melt some
cheese on somethin' for ya?

If that's part of
your act, sure.

Ok.

Ok.

Whenever you're ready.

I can't do this without music.

Ok, fine.

♪

Come on.

Oh, fine. Let's find
something here.

All right. How about that?

♪

Oh, God!

What?

Nail in the eye!
Nail in the eye!

I'm sorry. Are you ok?
Are you ok?

I'm fine, ok?

Look, nice try. Just
keep your day job.

All right.

So, are you gonna
do this for me?

Yeah, fine. I'll do it, ok?

Oh, thank you, honey.
You are the best.

Yeah, yeah, I'm the
best, all right?

I'll see you Wednesday.

Wait, no, it's Thursday.

Thursday? I can't
do it Thursday.

I'm workin' a double route.

Doug, when this whole
thing started,

I specifically told you
to keep midweek open.

Yeah, midweek is Wednesday.

No, midweek is
Wednesday or Thursday.

Ok, you use that logic, you
gotta include Tuesday.

Where does it end?

All right, Doug. Would you...
would you just do this?

I'm sorry. What do you want from me?
I can't.

Oh, my God. I am
totally screwed.

Well, I'm sorry.

Wanna go to a strip club?

Ok, um, I have a question.

Um, what am I doing
here exactly?

Duh! You're waitin'
for the gasman.

Hello?

Well, actually, you both are
waiting for the gasman,

and... and this is
starting to feel...

And I don't want to
say creepy and weird,

but... no, actually, that's
the best way to describe it,

so I'm just gonna go.

Well, if she's gonna go,
then I'm goin' back to work.

If you go, then
I'm goin' to bed.

Well, if you go to bed,

there'll be no one here
to wait for the gasman.

Oh, but you're paying me.

So, if you both go,
I'll just stay.

Well, if you're gonna stay,

then I'm not goin' back to work.

Well, if you stay, then
I'm not goin' to bed.

Ok.

Ok, here's your water.

And I just wanna thank you again

for bailing me out.

I know I've gone back and
forth on you once or twice.

3 times. Right, right.

Ok. So, this is it,
the big deposition.

D-day.

The important thing is, just
be yourself, an everyman.

Just... just be real.

Am I not being real right now?

No, no, no. You're
being very real.

You're being very real.
Just keep it up.

I'm gonna go check and see
where they're at. All right?

I'll be right back.

Hey!

Hey, honey.

What are you doing here?

I got a guy to
take my 2nd route.

I did have to promise him
I'd do his Christmas shift

and name our first
kid after him.

How do you feel about
umberto Heffernan?

You did this for me?

Well, look, you needed
an expert witness.

Well, witness your expert

witness.

Look at you.

You're in uniform
and everything.

You look so friggin' real.

I'm a person.

Yes, you are.

I... I didn't come to you.
You came to me.

I did. I did. I came to you.

Don't ever come to me again.

I won't.

See you at work, guy.

Uh, 2-minute warning, Carrie.

Oh, ok. Thank you.

All right, honey.

You're gonna be great.

Sorry you had to go through
all this craziness,

but I'm really glad
you're doin' this.

Let's light this candle.

All right, I think we're about
ready to get started here.

Have a seat.

Please state your
name and occupation.

Uh, Douglas Steven Heffernan.

I deliver for international
parcel service.

Mr. Heffernan,

is it your opinion that
the average driver

makes on-time delivery
their top priority?

Yes.

No further questions.

There you go. That's my
home number and my e-mail.

Great.

You know what? I'm...
I'm off right now.

Do you wanna go get
something to eat?

Yeah, I'd... I'd love that.

Ok. Bye, guys.

Enjoy your gas.

Ugh!

These things are brutal
when they wear off.

Hey, I get 2 refills. Cool.