The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 10 - Oxy Moron - full transcript

We're beginning our final
descent into laguardia.

Please make sure your
seat belts are fastened

and your seat back
and tray tables

are in their full,
upright positions,

and discontinue the use
of any electronic devices

you may have brought on board.

Honey.

Huh?

We're landing, and you
couldn't have more to do.

Oh, right.

I, uh...



Is there, like...

Wow.

You like the way daddy
throws away his trash, huh?

No, that's for being such
a sweetie this weekend.

Ah, it wasn't so bad.

Oh, come on. Give
yourself some credit.

You spent 2 whole days with
my old high-school friend

and her new baby.

It's called "doin' the
right thing," Carrie.

Some of us still
believe in that.

Oh, and by the way, I was checkin' out
the clothes they had on that baby.

Couldn't look more comfortable.

Yeah, that fleece ducky
thing was cute, right?

No, no, no. You're
missing the point.



I want that for me.

Oh, look. We're
almost on the ground.

Hmm.

As you probably noticed,

we had a little bump
on our landing there.

Obviously, we're on the ground,

and there's no need for oxygen.

We'll be at the gate
in just a moment.

So, uh, how was your flight?

Oh, it was good.

Wasn't it good, carr?

Uh-huh.

It was good, wasn't it?

Anyway, enough about
the heffernans.

What's goin' on in spencylvania?

Actually, uh,

my landlord says she's
gonna raise my rent again.

I've probably gotta
find a new place.

Oh, man. That old
lady is an ass.

They're jackin' up his rent.
You hear that, hon?

Yes. I'm 2 feet away.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you know, my cousin Danny's
got a 2-bedroom in sunnyside.

I think he might be
lookin' for a roommate.

Oh, yeah? I might be interested.

You think you could, uh,
arrange a sit-down?

Consider yourself sat.

Uh, Carrie, are you getting
enough air back there?

Oh, yeah. I'm fine.
Thanks, Spence.

How about you, Doug? Enough air?

Ooh, doin' some unpackin'.

Here, I'll just put my
socks in the drawer.

That's a funny word, drawer.

It's one of those words,

more than one syllable
but not quite 2.

You say "drawer," you think
you're done, but no.

You still got an
"er" left to say.

Mirror. Another one.

It's crazy some of
the words they have.

Come on, I didn't
do anything wrong.

Oh, you didn't do
anything wrong?

Oh, ok, so I guess
what you did right

was grab the only oxygen mask,

sucked on it like
it was a beer tap,

and didn't give a crap about me.

Yeah, that was 5 seconds
of glory right there.

You are way outta line.

Oh, yeah? How's that?
How's that?

How's that? I'll
tell you how's that.

Can I finish?

I am not talking.

I was only getting
my oxygen first

so I'd be strong
enough to save you.

Yeah, you know you're
supposed to do that?

You're supposed to put
your own mask on first?

You'd know that if you were paying
attention to the safety instructions

instead of reading
your Elle magazine.

Yeah, truth hurts a
little, doesn't it?

Yeah, I'd better take a
long, hard look at myself.

It was just a stupid
thing that happened.

I mean, and the point is, we were on the
ground. There wasn't even any danger.

That's even more pathetic.

What are you gonna do when
there is real danger,

eat me for nourishment?

I would never do that.

Oh, I'm not so sure.

Oh, you think I'd eat you?

Well, I didn't think
that yesterday,

but now I'm thinkin', 2
hours in a lifeboat,

you'd be gnawing at my
hip with land in sight.

You know what? I'm always wrong.
You're always right.

That's how our arguments go.

No, not always, but this time,

you betcha.

All right, you're right. You know what?
I saved myself,

but you know what, it's instinct, ok?
This is the way people are.

Doug, no. I'm sorry.

It's the way you are, ok?

There are some people

that would risk their lives
for someone they loved.

Oh, would they?

Ok, well, tell me this, Carrie.

Honestly, if I was in danger,

really, really in danger,

would you risk your
life to protect me?

Would you take a bullet for me?

In a heartbeat.

Well, we'll just see about that.

So, Doug says you got
a pretty sweet place.

Yeah, yeah. It's
2-bedroom, big kitchen.

I got it when I
was, uh, married.

Thought I'd be
starting a family.

Dodged that bullet!

Right.

Hey, hey, I hear ya.

Uh, well, I have till the
30th to get out of my place,

and, you know, I can... I can
move in anytime before then.

Yeah, ok.

So, what does Spence
Olchin bring to the party?

What?

Well, I... I... I know
what I bring, you know,

a bitchin' apartment.

But what about you, Spence Olchin?
Go.

So the oxygen masks fall,

and now she's all mad at me
'cause I didn't help her.

Bam! 5-zip.

Man, I'm just giving you
a prison pounding today.

She's acting all crazy, right?
I mean...

Yeah, I mean, what, she couldn't
put her mask on herself?

Actually, hers never came down.

Oh, that is pretty bad.

And you know what else is bad?

My ball in your goal.

How about I spot you 5 points,
make it a contest, huh?

Spot me 5 points? How about I
give you 5 points right now?

Then I've won.

I need beer.

I don't take a long
time in the bathroom.

Uh, I've never been in
trouble with the law.

And if, uh... hey, if you're
interested in tai chi,

I could lead us in the morning.

Right. Well, listen, Spence,

I... I think I got
all the info I need.

Ah.

What's a good move in day, 'cause I'm...
I'm wide open?

You're gettin' a little ahead
of yourself there, huh?

What do you mean?

Well, y-you're definitely
in the running,

but there are a few other
interested candidates.

All right, I have to
give notice at my place,

so I kinda need to
know right now.

Well, I can't tell
you right now.

Well, I... I need
to know right now.

If that's the case,

afraid I gotta give
you a big, fat no.

Well, o-ok. You know, fine.
Fine.

God, this was a good
waste of my time.

Well, back off, all right?

I... I just took this meeting
as a courtesy to Doug.

Oh, yeah? Well, me, too.

Hey, Doug, thanks for nothing.

Women, you know? One day they're
whining about their equal rights

and their women's lib, and then

suddenly they want to
be saved and protected.

I mean, what do
these women want?

I don't know, except I'm pretty
sure they all want oxygen.

Look, I'm not hanging
out with you

so you can tell me how much I suck, ok?
I can get that at home.

So why'd you tell me
the story at all?

I told you so you could tell
me I did nothing wrong.

Oh, then tell me a
different story.

Hey, it's real easy for you
to judge from here, you know,

but if you were on that plane,

you would've been kissing
that mask just like I was.

I don't think so, guy.

Oh, you're such a hero.
What have you ever done?

I saved somebody one time.

You saved someone?
Yeah, like, when?

I was driving back from college,

there was this big
accident on the road,

and I pulled this old guy
out of a burning car.

Yeah, right.

That's how I got
this scar on my leg.

Ooh, I got a foot-long
scar on my leg

from savin' a stranger.
And I went to college.

Get over yourself.

How about that patio, huh?
What's up?

What's up?

Yeah, it's great.

Hey, hey, you can set
up your amp over here,

and if your band wants
to come over and jam,

that's cool. I've been known
to get down a little myself.

So, you got any questions?

Yeah, uh, rent's $700?

Uh-huh.

And you're definitely staying?

Uh, yeah.

Well, you know, I'll
get back to you.

All right.

Hello?

Spencie. It's Danny Heffernan.

Listen, given a little thought
to the whole roommate deal,

and, uh, you know, I liked
your passion the other night.

You got fire in
your belly, buddy.

Listen, I'm thinkin'
Spence Olchin

might be an interesting
way to go.

Oh, no can do.

What?

Yeah. The thing is

I went down to the city
college housing center,

and I found myself
another place.

Spence. Oh, hold on.

What is it, sweetie?

I can't figure out
which shirt to wear.

Do you like this
one or this one?

Hmm. Neither.

Oh, you're so mean.

Oh, man, I'm sorry about that.

That was my roommate, Elena.

She's a very free-spirited

Brazilian exchange student,

and I was helping
her get dressed.

Really?

Mmm-hmm.

S-so then, you're... you're
giving me a no, then?

Yeah. A big, fat one.

Oh. Got to go.

I think some more of her equally
full-lipped friends are here.

Hey, ladies, come on in. Hi.

Hi. Hello.

Hey, uh, who wants to curl
up on the couch with me

and watch jag, huh?

Hello.

I can't decide. Which
one do you like?

Oh, that one.

Ah!

Wait. You're going to
change in front on him?

Oh, he's just Spence.

Doug, can you, uh,
pass the salt?

Doug? Salt.

Summer of 1993.

What? I saved you.

Yeah, you remember?

We... we had just
started dating,

and I... and I took you to
the forest hills mini-golf.

And it was, like, midnight,

and 2 big guys came
out of nowhere,

and they... and they started
making some rude comments

about your breastesses.

Well, I got right in
their face, and I said:

"Hey, the lady's with
me, so back off, ok?

You guys got a
problem with that?"

That's what I did. Yeah.

So, you know what?

You can just stop with
your disappointed sighs

and your burglar
alarm brochures.

'Cause you know what? It turns
out when there's real danger,

this kid comes to play.

You've never taken me to
forest hills mini-golf.

What?

I've never been to
forest hills mini-golf.

Really?

Oh, wait a sec. That...
that was Amy.

She was ugly.

And, uh, wasn't she a cop?

She was.

You better let this go, Doug.

No, look, I know
I did stuff, ok?

Ok, hey, what about the time

you told off that girl
in the yogurt shop?

You remember? And then you
left without your purse?

I had to go back in there.

And believe me, I had to deal
with some very nasty looks.

Are you done with your plate?

All right, look, maybe
I never saved you,

but here's something I
never told you. What?

I once pulled an old man
from a burning car.

That was Deacon.

Yes, it was.

What do you... what do
you want me to do here?

I don't want you to do anything.

I'm sorry, ok? I... I...
I did a horrible thing,

but h-h-how can I fix this?

Doug, listen to me, all right?

I still love you, and... and
we'll get through this.

It's just that, you know,

something can happen
in a split second

that changes the way you
look at the person forever,

and there's nothing you
can do to fix that.

I changed the way you
look at me forever?

Yeah, a... a little.

Oh, God.

Do you, um,

d-do you want some pudding?

No pudding.

No pudding?

No pudding.

Hey, Spence.

How was your date?

Oh, it was awful.

Why are the good-looking
guys such jerks?

Couldn't tell you.

Will you rub my temples?

Sure.

Ooh, that feels great.

My mother used to do this.

In many ways, you
remind me of her.

You know what?

I'm done with men. Friday
is girls' night out.

Would you like to come?

Uh, uh, no, no. You
know, I can't come,

because, in spite of
what you might think,

I'm not a girl, ok?

I'm a heterosexual man

with all the wants and
desires of such a man,

so stop telling me
about your dates

and... and walking
around here half-naked,

and... and no more
lotions, all right?

I am dangerous!

You're so cute.

Oh, God, you make
me feel so bad!

I just saw my gynecologist
buying nachos.

How weird is that?

I brought you some whoppers.

No whoppers.

Doug, come on. You have to
start eating sugar again.

Your body's gonna go into shock.

I changed the way you
look at me forever.

No, you didn't.

You're lookin' at me different right now.
No, I'm not.

You are. Used to be,
when I walked in a room,

your face would light up like a
little kid in a candy store.

Ok, that didn't happen.

Listen to me, the other
day, I was upset, ok?

I went a little too far.

I didn't mean to
change your life here.

I don't want our lives
to change, either.

Ok. See,

you want to really know what
I see when I look at you?

What?

I see a great, caring guy

that I love very much,

and that's all that matters.

So let's just move past this.

I'll take my whoppers now.

What if they told you

the one person you loved most

never even was?

I'm joining my wife. She
checked in yesterday.

I'm afraid there's no
record of her arrival.

But I spoke to her this morning.

She's in room 1250.

Sir, we have no room 1250.

What would you risk?

How far would you
go to find her?

If you're Jack Langston,
you're unstoppable.

Where are you going?

The dam's gonna
break any second!

My wife's up there, damn it!

Take my hand!

No!

Take it!

Save yourself, Jack!

What kind of a man
do you think I am?

Hey, hey.

Honey, what are you doin'?

You know, you brought
me here on purpose.

You knew that preview
would be playin'.

Yeah, actually, you know what?
It's not even a real movie.

Nicholas cage and I just
got together to zetz ya.

Come on. You're acting
crazy, sweetie.

I told you. You're a
loving and caring guy,

and I mean that.

No. No, no, you
want Jack Langston.

Well, I'm not Jack Langston,
and I never will be.

Look, what happened, happened.

I am over it now.

No, you're not!

Would you listen to me?

I was upset. We talked about it.

I'm over it now.

Could we please
friggin' drop it?

Carrie!

Wha...

Ow!

What are you doing?

I was saving you from that bus.

What bus?

Where are we at here, Doug?

Does it sting? No. That's good.

Yeah, it's great. I've moved
on from not saving you

to actively hurting you.

That's not true. I
mean, in that moment,

you really thought I was gonna
get run over by that bus.

I did. I just wish the bus
had been a little closer.

So do I, honey.

So do I.

But I'll tell you somethin'.

If anything ever happens again
where you are in real danger,

I just want you to
know, I got your back.

I know you do.

You know what?

I think I'm ready for
that pudding now.

Uh, actually, honey, there's...
there's...

There's no more pudding.

No more pudding?

Sorry, honey.

No pudding.

Room's all ready.

Thanks.

I brought a rice maker.

Cool.

I think we're in
for quite a ride.

Yeah, he just packed
up his stuff,

said goodbye, and
ran out the door.

I know Spence was
just this little guy,

but he was funny

and nice and really cute.

You know, I think,

I think I was falling
in love with him,

but, oh, well...

You know, I went shopping today.
I bought this...