The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 1 - Walk, Man - full transcript

Oh, great.

Oh. Ok.

Cake.

Yeah?

Who is this?

Hey, bud. That was my dog Allen.

He just wanted to say hello.

Here, it's for you, Arthur.

A. Spooner speaking.

Lillian?

What's goin' on?



Usually in the morning
you're a little like,

"go away."

I know, but I just
feel good today.

I think that I am

maybe ready to start
trying to have a baby.

What?

Yeah. Well, the
miscarriage was, like,

4 months ago already.

And the doctor said it
would be safe, right?

So I... I guess I just woke up
this morning feeling ready.

Are you?

Not now, not now, stupid.

You sure?

No. I meant tonight
or something.



Oh?

I'll have you knocked
up and on the subway

in, like, 10 minutes.

Come on. We'll make
a night of it.

We'll go to fiorello's
for dinner,

get in the mood.

Food and sex, those are
your favorites, right?

Yeah. In... in that order, too.

I'm glad you're feeling
ready, Carrie.

Me, too.

Good morning. Ok.

Dad, what's with the pajamas?

How come you're not dressed?

Darling, if you can think of a
reason why I should get dressed,

I'd be delighted to
know what it is.

I got nothin'.

Well, come on. At least walk
down to the senior center

and play chess with Mickey.

I'm afraid that's out
of the question.

He moved to yonkers to
live with his daughter.

Oh, I'm sorry, dad.

He was your last real friend
around here, wasn't he?

Yeah. Afraid so.

Gonna miss that crazy lug,

that silly laugh of his.

The way his teeth would
come part of the way out.

And that's gin. Ok.
See you tonight.

Mmm-hmm. 8 o'clock, fiorello's?

Actually, I'm heading out, too.

Oh, ok. See you later, Arthur.

Yeah, have a good day, dad.

Yeah.

You have a good day, too.

I'll mind the store.

So you've been wined and dined,

all that,

you, uh, you good to go?

I am ready to get
back on the horse.

Or, in this case,

have the horse get back on you.

Give it your best shot, Eddie.

All right, break it up.

We got big doings in here.

What's goin' on, dad?

Come on in. Hurry,

on the double, chop-chop.

Ta-da!

What are you ta-daing about?
W-w-what is that?

El backo,

the new board game
you ordered for me

on the interstate.

Internet, dad.

So, shall I set up
in here or in the...

Or in the living room?

Uh, dad, it's really late.
What are you still doing up?

I napped for 6 hours. I'm
bursting with energy.

Come on, one quick game.

No, forget it, Arthur.
Not tonight.

Yeah, maybe another time, dad.
Good night.

Oh, that's just dandy, isn't it?

I've been alone in this
house since 8 A.M.,

and all I ask is
for a few moments

of human interaction
when you come home,

but apparently,

that's more than you can spare.

Good night.

Ready to head up? Come on.

7, 8, 9, and 10.

Back to start.

I have to go back
to start again?

You landed on El backo.

Now get goin', missy. Mush!

8, 9, 10.

I've landed on the alamo,

which at the moment you're
defending, Douglas.

So?

Don't kill the messenger,
but I'm afraid

you're out of the game!

Well, that was fun, daddy.

All right, well,
rematch next month.

Don't try to duck us.

Hey, wait! Wait, wait. What?

Douglas is out,

only Douglas.

I won.

Oh, good work. All
right, so, uh,

can we get this sex
thing goin' now?

It's late,

so don't expect the
sports package.

Yeah.

Ok, get ready.

This is gonna be hot.
Come on, baby.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

What? W-what is it?

Nothin'. I just got a peso
from the game in my pocket.

In your pocket. Did you cheat?

Well, I'm here now, aren't I?

You know what, honey? Honey?

Would you mind

if... if we didn't
do this tonight?

3 hours as the El backo
banker has pretty much

shut me down for the night.

Oh, come on, keep the bank open,

one more angry customer.

Honey, look, if it was just sex,

I would push through, ok?

But we're trying to make a baby.

I want it to be
special and wonderful

and... and right.

You wanna sneak one
in, in the morning?

No, I don't wanna sneak one in.

Our... our kid is
gonna ask me one day

how he or she came to be,

and I don't wanna say,

"well, your dad had at me

while I was brushin' my teeth."

We need to set aside you
know, special time,

without distractions.

Without my father

clawing at us for attention.

When the hell is that
ever gonna happen?

Ever since Mickey moved,

your dad spends all day napping.

By the time we come home,

he's cocked and loaded.

I know. I... I hate this.

What are we gonna do?

Hey, why don't we hire a nurse

to come by during the day,

spend time with him?

You know how expensive
a private nurse is?

Maybe your insurance
from work will cover it.

No. They'll only cover
it if he's disabled.

So I'll disable him.

Ah, maybe we're... we're just
not meant to have a baby.

Or actually,

maybe we are meant
to have a baby.

And my dad is our baby.

The only difference is
we don't change him,

yet.

So, sex-wise,

I'm definitely on my
own tonight, or...

Yo, Spence!

Sandwiches.

Hey, who wants a
little side salad?

Show of hands.

Ok, more for me.

Oh, this thing with Arthur

is driving me nuts.

Mmm. It's rough, huh?

It's brutal. I'll have to
drive him out to the woods

if I'm ever gonna get any
more schnick schnack.

Yo, Spence. Someone's here.

Oh.

Fellas, prepare to
meet the new lady

in my life.

W-what? You... you
got a girlfriend?

Dog Walker

but things are brewing.

Hey, Holly.

Oh, hey. I didn't
know you were home.

Oh, yeah. I just rolled
in a few minutes ago

and grabbed somethin' to eat.

Oh, yeah. Ok, no! Cupcake, no.
Cupcake, no!

Sit!

A few minutes ago from work.

So, uh, how was my little
Allen's walk today?

Oh, it was great.
It's weird, though.

Both the male and female dogs

like to hump him.

Kind of like you, Spence.

It's a... it's a couple
of blue-collar guys

I hang out with.

You know, just keepin' it real.

Uh, you know, I was
wonderin' some night

if maybe you're free...

Cupcake, cupcake! Sit! Sit! Sit!

Listen, you know,

I better get this one home.

He just had a long day. Oh, ok.

I will see you Thursday, Allen.

Mmm, I love you.

I love you, Allen. I miss you.

I'll see you soon.

Oh, hey. Yeah, um, it's thur...
Thursday it is.

Yeah, she's way into you.

So, uh, when did you hire
a dog Walker anyway?

Uh, about a week ago.

Allen was going crazy

being cooped up while
I was at work,

and now he's so tired
out from the walk,

he just sleeps straight
through until morning.

Hey.

Come on, sweetie. I'm
tryin' to work here.

I was thinkin' maybe
you'd knock off.

I was thinkin' maybe you
and I head upstairs.

I think my boys are in the mood

for a little egg hunt.

I can't. My dad's home,

and I promised him

that El backo grudge
match at high noon.

Oh, I wouldn't worry
too much about that.

Arthur!

What's going on?

You just sit back, relax,
and enjoy the show.

Yes, Douglas.

Come here,

there's someone who
wants to meet you.

Hey, Holly. Hello.

Arthur, this is, uh, Holly.
She's a friend of Spence's.

How do you do?

Uh, Holly's writing a
paper on world war ii,

and she wanted to speak
to someone who was there.

Right?

Right. Yes, yes, I... I do.

Well, uh, are you interested
in the real story

or just the patriotic crap
they want you to believe?

Um, the first one. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, a fellow skeptic.

Well, let me just take
my kettle off the stove,

and we'll get to it.

Ok, Spence says you get
10 bucks a day, right?

What? No, it's fine. It's fine.

Hi. Listen, can we talk about
something for a second?

Here is $30 advance
for the first week,

and you'll come by every
Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.

And, if you could,
do me a favor,

really wear him out.

What? No, it's fine. It's fine.

Ok, so are we all set here?
Well, I-it's just...

W-what's the matter?

I... I just don't usually
do this with people.

Hey, look, you do it with dogs,

you can do it with people.

It's fine.

I'm all set. Shall
we talk in here

or in the kitchen?

Would... would you
like to go for a walk?

A walk? Fabulous idea.

See you later, kids.

All right. Well, you
guys have a good time.

What is she doing to
my father for $10?

She's walkin' him.
She's a dog Walker.

A d-dog Walker?

A dog Walker?

Yeah. You hired a dog Walker

to walk my father?

I thought you'd be happy.

My... my father is not a dog.

I know he's not a dog.
He's a human being

who needs walking

and who possibly has fleas.

You are talking

like this is a
normal thing to do.

I know it seems weird,

but think about it. This
solves all our problems.

I mean, he... He's
out getting exercise

and getting companionship.

I mean, it's like
we hired a nurse

without all the book learnin's.

And take a look around.

He's gone.

He's gone.

The entire war effort,

every dollar spent
and every life lost

was orchestrated

by the international
can goods industry.

That's a fact.

Yeah, I think I heard that.

Oh, hey, Holly.

Day off, today?

Um, not exactly.

Holly, hello. Good to see you.

Hi, Arthur. Ready
to go for a walk?

You bet.

Hey.

Douglas, see you in 2 hours.

Holly and I are off for a walk.

Wow. Are you? That's so nice.

Here you go.

How's everything goin' with him?

Oh, it's great. It was a
little weird at first,

but I gotta say,

Arthur is such a
pleasure to walk.

I think he and ranger
are my favorites.

Holly, are you comin'?

I'm comin'. Bye.

All right. Bye-bye.

Carrie!

Hey, Carrie. He's gone.

He's gone.

Great. Bye.

Whoa, whoa, hey,
where you goin'?

Spinning class.

Your father's out
gettin' walked.

I know, that's why
I'm going now.

Last time he was out, you
went to the book club thing.

Yes, and I asked you to
come with me to that.

But you said you didn't
feel like putting shoes on.

What's all this going
out stuff anyway?

I thought you wanted
to have a baby.

I do, and we've tried.

It's just that I'm not
ovulating this week.

You aren't, or you won't?

Yeah, Doug. You caught me.
I'm holding my eggs in.

Can I get to spinning now?

If I'm late, all the good
bikes will be taken.

What... what?

You spin on bikes?

Yeah. What'd you think, we
just stand on the floor

and just spin around?

As a matter of fact, I did, yeah.
Ok?

Look, the point is,

I paid for this
no-Arthur time, ok?

I don't think you should be cashin'
in on it for other things.

Doug, I finally
have some free time

and I am just
trying to enjoy it.

I mean, I'm... I'm
reading again.

I'm exercising.

I don't read or exercise.

Where does that leave me?

Here. Have a party.

I paid for the time!

Oh, hey, Spence.
Sorry, I'm late.

I ran long with Arthur.

What a shock.

Oh, did Allen make
on the rug again?

Yeah. Yeah.

It kind of forms a pattern
from the other day.

It looks like Florida

if Florida were
made out of urine.

Hey, Spence, can I talk
to you about something?

Yeah, what?

Well, it's just that I've been
tryin' to walk, you know,

Allen and Arthur
on the same day,

and it just hasn't
really been working out

and... and I feel like I
need to make a choice.

And you're choosing Arthur.

Well, it's a lot of things.

I mean, uh, he lives
closer to my house.

Uh, he's a person.

He's also an unwitting pawn

in... in Doug and Carrie's
sick little charade.

Yeah. Anyway, um,

here's a number of
another dog Walker.

Chuck.

Yeah. He's great.

He's really cute, too. I
don't know if you're gay,

but if you are, he is super.

Bye, Allen.

Hey. How was spinning?

Great. I feel happy,
healthy, and more alive.

How was sitting on
the couch rotting?

I'll let you know when I'm done.

Hey, dad, how was
your walk with Holly?

Not so good.

I got a little
problem on my hands.

What?

I think I may have to tell her
not to come by here any more.

What? Why?

Because she's falling
for me, that's why.

Holly? No, no. Dad, no.

Of course, she is. Why else
would she insist on seeing me

every single Tuesday,
Thursday, and Saturday?

She's obsessed.

She's working on that paper.

It's that paper.

Oh, please, there's no paper.

Of course, there's the paper.

There is no paper.

Her questions about the
war are ludicrous.

The other day,

she actually asked me who won.

She's learning.

Oh, how did I let
things get so far?

I'm 50 years older
than that girl.

It could never work out

or could it?

I'm so confused.

Ok, dad, look, I... I don't
know what's going on,

but I don't think you
should do anything hasty

like... like tell her not
to come by here any more.

Definitely don't do that.

Oh, I don't know
about that, car.

You know, maybe he
should end it with her.

I don't think

this arrangement's doing
anyone any good here.

What is going on?

Why are you telling
him to end this?

Well, maybe if this whole
deal were working out

more the way I hoped it would,

my advice would be a
little different.

Fine. What do you want?

You can keep the spinning,
but lose the book club

and replace it

with more sex and T.V. With me.

Ok, but I'm spinning
Tuesday and Saturday,

and for the sex
thing to work out,

there are a few
pair of underwear

I'm gonna need you
to get rid of.

Done.

Now, was that so hard? Hmm?

Ok. All right.

What are we gonna tell my dad to
get him back on board with this?

I just want you to know, Holly,

that I'm honored
that you regard me

as the father you never had.

But I have a father.

They told me you'd say that.

Oh, hello.

Hello, Spence.

Hi, Spence. W-what
are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just, uh,
walking my dog myself.

So, you 2 have struck
up quite a friendship,

haven't you?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It's a bit odd,
though, isn't it?

It's just a bit odd.

Spence, don't.

I'm a father figure
to this girl,

that's all.

Oh, I see.

And I suppose she
needs a father figure

at exactly 2 P.M.

Every Tuesday, Thursday,
and Saturday,

right here in this park.
Is that it?

What are you driving at, son?

Oh, for... Arthur,

don't you see what's going on?

I mean, for God's
sakes, look around you.

I still don't know
what your point is.

What are you, blind?

This is a dog park.

She's been walking
you for money.

She's a pro.

Arthur, can I explain?

No!

No! Arthur.

Arthur!

Rascal!

Arthur! Rascal!

Arthur! Rascal!

Dad, you're late.
Dinner's on the table.

Why's my food here?

What do you mean?

Why isn't it there?

That's where you want me to eat.

Isn't it?

Isn't it?

Well, we had a nice ride.

How long do you think
he'll stay mad at us?

3,4 hours.

Oh, I can spin.

Hi, Arthur.

Hello. You're looking well.

So are you.

Listen, I'm... I'm really
sorry about everything.

Oh, no need to
apologize, my dear.

We all have to make a
living, I suppose,

not me personally,
but most people.

I... I... I swear that it
wasn't just about the money.

I mean, I really enjoyed
talking with you,

learning about buzz
bombs and trench foot.

Trench foot, yes.

The scourge of the
European battlefield.

That was quite a time.

Hey, listen, um,

would you wanna take
a walk with me?

Are you throwing me a freebie?

Of course.

Then I'd like that.