The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 23 - S'no Job - full transcript

Wow. They broke up a
cock-fighting ring in Brooklyn.

Now they're gonna have to put
all the chickens to sleep.

That makes me kind of sad.

And yet you can
suck on a drumstick

till it sparkles.

You don't think I
feel bad after that?

Honey, I am making dinner for
your Uncle and your cousin.

A little help here?

What? I'm... I'm
coolin' the rolls.

All right. Come on, help.
Bring something out.

I don't even wanna have
this stupid dinner, anyway.



Come on, your cousin Danny really
likes you. Give him a break.

I don't wanna give him a break.
He's annoying.

He's like the human version
of sand in my underwear.

Well, it'll be nice to see your
Uncle stu, right? You like him.

Oh, he's ok, although for
that big wet kiss he gives me

every time he sees me.
That's brutal.

Oh, he just cares about you.

He just likes to show it through

awkward physical
man-love, that's all.

Well, I'm off.

What? Where you goin'?

I was at the mall yesterday, and
a young man with a clipboard

asked me to assist him
in some market research

concerning an upcoming movie.



What movie?

She's got the stuff.

"It's the story about 5
kids from Pittsburgh

"tryin' to get some

on the wildest
spring break ever."

Oh, that sounds right
up your alley, dad.

But don't you remember?
Stu's in from New Orleans?

We're having a whole
family dinner.

I'm sorry, darling,

but, uh, I promised this
young man I'd be there.

So what?

So what? A movie
is a team effort!

What if...

Mr. Freddie prinze, Jr. just decided
he didn't wanna show up for work?

What then?

Let him go!

All right, fine. Go, have fun.

Good night! Good night.

Oh, they're here.

Pucker up.

Oh, I got an idea!

When Uncle stu makes his move, I'm
just gonna tell him I'm sick, huh?

Yeah. You're a genius.

Hey, sweetie. Hey!

Where's your dad?

Oh, he's, uh, parkin' the car.

Listen, here's the deal.
Real quick.

He doesn't know my pizza
place went out of business,

and he's not exactly up to
speed with my wife leavin' me,

so stay away from
those 2 subjects.

Other than that, let's
have a nice time.

Hi! Hey!

Carrie!

Doug.

You know what? I, uh...
I got a cold. Sorry.

Well, don't worry. So do I.

Carrie, this meatloaf
is the best thing

I've ever eaten in my life.

Couldn't be more delightful.

Well, if there's one thing I've
learned being married to Doug,

it's how to shape ground
meat into a pile. Yeah.

Hey, when these two come
to your pizza place,

you, uh, take care of 'em, huh?

He takes care of you, right?

Uh, a-absolutely.

Yeah, we, uh, never
spend a dime in there.

Good.

And he catered a party for
us once for... for free.

A whole party?

What, are you tryin'
to be a big shot?

For God sakes, you
gotta cover your nut.

Right, right. And sorry, sorry.

Yeah, he tries to
buy love, this kid.

You got a wife at home for that.

Look, you're running a business.

Hey, Artie's back.

Hey. Hello, Arthur.

Forgive me for missing dinner, but
I had a professional commitment.

I simply couldn't get out of it.

Well, better late than never.

By the way, Daniel,

I, uh, drove by
your pizza place.

What happened? Did
you have a fire?

Uh, no.

Then why was it all boarded up?

Arthur, you, uh, must be talking
about the wrong pizza place.

No, 1540 bell boulevard, next
to Phil's house of magic.

Oh, we love that place!

Remember, you got stuck in
those Chinese handcuffs?

Oh, yeah. I was, like,
"whoa, whoa, whoa!" Yeah.

I can laugh about it now,
but it was scary then.

Danny, you having a problem
with your pizza shop?

It's gone.

I... I lost the business
a couple months ago.

Oh, my God.

So, how have you and
Eva been getting by?

Eva's back?

Sweet diggity! That's good news!

I can't believe this.

Your business is gone,
your wife left you.

Why didn't you tell me all this?

I don't know. I was afraid to.
I...

I'm your father. I love you.

So, have you got another job?

Mmm, I've been lookin', but there's
nobody really hirin' right now.

Nobody's hiring, or you're
not really looking?

Nobody's hiring.

People have jobs!

Your brother's got a
beautiful job as a C.P.A.

Dad, if you know someone that's
hiring, why don't you tell me?

'Cause I'd love to know.

Doug's place is hiring.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

That was someone else's place.

Um, yeah, it must've been
Hooters, so that wouldn't work.

Just a sec. Doug.

Doug, you think there's a chance

you could get an interview
for Danny down at I.P.S.?

Uh, I... I guess so.

There you go!

Doug's gonna get
you an interview!

Thank your cousin there.

Thanks, Doug.

Thank you, Carrie. Nice job.

It just slipped out.

No, no, no. It didn't just slip out.
You did it on purpose!

I did not!

You did so! You're always trying

to get me and Danny together,
get me closer with my family,

spend more time, love them more.

It's a sickness with you!

I just feel bad for
him, that's all.

He's like a... Like
a full-grown dog

that's still at the pet shop.

You know, they slashed
the price 5 times,

but you know he ain't
goin' anywhere.

And you know why?
'Cause he's annoying!

Oh, all right. You know what?

It's your work. I'm sorry. I
shouldn't have interfered.

That's right. It's my work, ok?
And I don't want him there.

I don't know what
the big deal is.

The big deal is what I
just said over there, ok?

Don't want him working
where I work.

I'm at the closet now,
but nothing's changed.

The feeling moves with me!

If you're so against it, just
call him and say I was wrong

and that they're not hiring.

I can't now. Uncle
stu's all over this.

Don't get it, please. I don't
wanna talk to anybody.

You've reached the Heffernans.
Leave a message.

Hi, Doug, honey. It's mom.

Your father's downstairs
with his trains,

so I thought I'd give
you a quick jingle.

Listen, I just hung up
with your Uncle stu,

and he told me what
a wonderful thing

you're doin' for Danny.

I am so proud of you,

and so is God.

Thank you, baby. Love ya.

What you got goin'
on there, dad?

It's the questionnaire
for she's got the stuff.

It's such a deep and
marvelously layered thing

these young filmmakers, the bickel
brothers, have put together.

Aren't you supposed to fill those things
out right after you see the movie?

Well, all the others did,
but I requested more time

so I could give them a more
in-depth analysis in essay form.

They told me to take
all the time I needed.

Well, they must really
value your opinion, dad.

Thank you. Now, if
you'll excuse me,

I have to get back to this.

"Who was your
favorite character?"

Skeeter stole a
piece of my heart,

and g-money took what was left.

Hey, guy, what are you doin'?

What do you mean?

Why are you using the
little handles on your cup?

I don't know. You know,
they put 'em on this,

so I figured I'd
give them a try.

I gotta tell you, you...
You look ridiculous.

Really?

Well, if this bothers you,
you're really gonna hate this.

That's it. Gimme the coffee.

Get off.

Then stop using the handle.

Listen to yourself!

Will you look at yourself?
You're outta control today.

I'm drinking coffee!

What's with you, man?

Oh, gosh!

It's just last night Carrie
opened her stupid mouth

and told my cousin
Danny we were hiring.

Now I've gotta get him
an interview here.

Really?

Man, that guy is
annoying as hell.

Isn't he?

There's O'Boyle.

Better go do this now.

All right. Hey.

Good luck.

Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, ma'am,

but sometimes packages get lost.

Yeah, come in!

Yeah, I understand.

The crackers came.
The cheese didn't.

Very frustrating.

Look, as soon as I know
somethin', I'll call you back.

What is it, Doug? I got,
like, 2 seconds here.

All right. Uh, the... the thing is,
I just... I heard we were hiring,

and I was wondering if you could
interview my cousin Danny?

You know, I'm swamped
with applications.

Is this guy experienced? 'Cause
I don't want to waste my time.

Very experienced, yes.

Good worker?

Excellent. The best.

All right. Fine. Have him come
in tomorrow morning at 8:00.

Thanks. Thanks very much.

Yeah.

No, I talked to the...
You know... what?

Just one more thing.

Could you do me a favor
and not hire him?

Wait. You don't want
me to hire him?

No.

Duke, can you hang on a second?

Yeah, there's a
moron in my office.

What do you mean, don't hire him?
You just said how good he was.

Well, he's... he's not
that good, really.

Um, he's got a bad knee, and
he's not the brightest.

He fell in a pool
when he was little,

and he was in there for a while.

Then why the hell do you
want me to interview him?

Well, you know, the thing is...

He's definitely good
enough to be interviewed,

but not quite good
enough to be hired.

He's like a tweener.

What in the hell are
you talkin' about?

All right, it's a family thing. I...
I promised I'd get him an interview,

but I... I really don't want him
workin' here. Can you help me out?

Yeah. All right. Fine.

Oh, thanks.

By the way, I drink Johnnie Walker.
Black.

Ok. Thanks.

Oh, and if you can make it seem
like I really pushed for him,

that'd be great. Thank you.

I'm gonna go now.

Hey, poppin' fresh!

Ok! You gotta stop doin' that.

Hey, Doug, thanks so much
for the interview, man.

I'm pumped!

Oh, great.

You know, I had my
brown jacket on.

Then I... then I said to myself, "pff!
Idiot!"

Wear green, I.P.S. Color!"

You know, be like a
subliminal thing, you know?

"Hey, I don't know why, but
I gotta hire this guy."

Right?

So you busted out the
green jacket, huh?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I... I bought it.
Yeah, yeah. It's $150.

But, uh, gotta spend
money to make money.

Mmm? Mmm-hmm.

Oh, uh, Doug, this your cousin?

Uh, yeah, this is him.
Great guy.

Come on in.

Oh, hey, any last-minute advice?

No. Just be yourself.

Dad, come on. We have to meet Dan and
stu at the restaurant in 20 minutes.

Oh, sweetheart, I'm
afraid I can't go.

What? Why not?

Oh, filling in this movie survey

has become a real
ding-darling of a task.

You're still workin' on this thing?
What's the problem?

Well, as I replay the
movie in my head,

there are so many
nagging questions.

Why do Jeff and Skeeter

have to drive all the way to ft.
Lauderdale

just to register for the
skateboard competition?

Why can't they call ahead? Why?

Maybe there are just some things

we're not meant to know.

And the whole wet t-shirt
sequence at the girls' hotel.

It doesn't advance
the story one iota.

Yet, I'm loathe to
suggest cutting it.

All right, dad, I hate to see you
go through all this aggravation,

so I'm just gonna
tell you the truth.

You're 60 years older than
their target audience.

They don't really
care what you think.

Hmm.

Sounds like someone's upset
her opinion wasn't asked.

Oy.

Oh, man, Danny, I can't believe
you didn't get the job.

That... that is total
b.S., is what that is.

He didn't get it?

Yeah. All right, man. Well...

I'll see you at the
restaurant, buddy.

And hey, keep your chin up.

Ok. Bye.

Oh, well, that's too bad.
But you know what?

You got him in there, and
that was very sweet of you.

I know. I just feel bad.

You know, like, maybe
I could've done more.

Damn it!

Wait a minute.

I thought you'd be happy
he didn't get the job.

Oh, yeah. No, no. I just...
I mean, I said that

to make Danny feel better.

No. The phone call was over.
You just said it to me.

Well, it just s-spilled over.

Look, I got him the interview.
He didn't get the job.

It happens every day. Back off!

Wait a second. Did you
have anything to do

with him not getting that job?

What? What, you think I went
in to O'Boyle and said,

"could you take time out of your busy
schedule to interview my cousin,

but don't hire him?"

I don't want him workin' there!

I can't believe you did that!

You made him go through a big,
stressful job interview for nothing?

Not for nothin'.

He got some very valuable
interview experience.

And bonus, he now has a
snappy green blazer. Huh?

Oh, that... yeah, perfect. That'll
keep him warm at the homeless shelter.

Oh, come on, Carrie,
nobody got hurt.

I mean, Danny's fine.
Uncle stu's happy.

Mom's happy. God's happy.

God is so not happy.

Oh, you know him so well.

God, if you're not
happy with me,

hit me with lightning right now.

What's up? What's up?

I wanna thank Doug and Carrie

for showing me such a beautiful
time when I was here.

And also, Doug, thanks for goin'
the extra mile to help Danny out.

You're good people.

So, what is everyone getting?

I think I'm gonna go with the
shrimp and crab bonanza.

Ah!

Well, I guess someone
worked up quite an appetite

not getting a job.

Yeah. Right. Good one.

You know, actually, it
was probably my fault.

I don't have that
much clout at I.P.S.

I'm liked, but not well-liked.

Doug, you don't have to
make excuses for him.

Oh, so it's just me, huh, dad?

I'm a screw-up? Is that
what you're getting at?

You know, they have a dessert on
the menu called the fudge slide.

Anyone else think that's gross?

Look, all's I can say is, they
were looking for drivers,

and you had a personal
recommendation from Doug here.

All you had to do
was go in there,

not wet yourself, and
you had that job.

Turn your head
back to the group.

Yeah, yeah. I-I'm a
real loser, dad.

Right, sure, yeah. And
you're a big success?

Selling used mattresses?

They're reconditioned!

You know what? Let's not fight.
It's stu's last night. Let's...

The one thing I know. Your brother
would've taken an opportunity like this

and run with it.

Oh, yeah, sure!
Mitchell's so wonderful!

Mitchell's a go-getter!
You love him so much!

Well, you know what else Mitchell is?
He's gay!

That's not true!

Yeah, come in.

Hey, what do you
got there, Doug?

Yeah, well, uh,
as you requested,

a one-liter bottle containing
my end of the deal...

Johnnie Walker black.

What?

I'm sorry. Was it red?

No. I...

I was just jokin' about
you gettin' me that.

Really?

Doug, I've been a recovering
alcoholic for 7 years.

My God. I didn't know.
I'll just, um...

That's all right. No, leave it!

Somethin' else?

Actually, it's... it's
about my cousin Danny.

Yeah? What about him?

Well, I was wondering if you could
reconsider his application,

this time with an eye
toward hiring him?

What? You told me you
didn't want me to hire him.

Yeah, you know, you're right,
and it was because I was...

I was threatened by his
skill and his excellence.

I... I let my personal feelings

get in the way of what's
best for the company,

something I swore I would
never do, you know.

Doug,

we have a very good stress
management counselor here.

Her name is Helen canter.
And, uh...

Thanks to her, I'm not
hitting you, right now.

I'm, uh, the... the truth is, I...
I screwed up,

and... and I gotta
make things right.

Can you please help me out here?

Fine. Have him come
in tomorrow morning.

Thank you.

And, Doug. Yeah.

I wouldn't complain if a
fistful of Mexican quaaludes

found its way into my drawer.

That's very funny, sir.

Hey, babe. What's goin' on?

Uh, just using 2 packets of
icing on one toaster strudel.

Happy now,

sad later.

So, how's it going
with Danny at I.P.S.?

Are you ok with him
workin' there?

Yeah. Actually, O'Boyle put
him on the night shift.

He's a pretty fun guy when
you never, ever see him.

Well, I finally
finished the survey.

I must say, it's
been quite an honor

helping to shape
she's got the stuff.

You mean the "a" movie that opens
today at a theater near you?

What?

They promised they'd wait!

That's Hollywood for you.

They chew you up, and
they spit you out.

First it was fatty
arbuckle, now it's me.

Hey, there he is. Mr.
night shift.

He owns the night.

He is the night.

You're still on the
night shift, right?

Yeah.

I just, uh, actually,
made sort of a decision.

Yeah? What about?

This job.

Not for me.

What?

Yeah, well, first of all,

workin' nights totally
screws up my inner clock.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And you know that I'm used
to being my own boss.

This is a lot of being
told what to do.

Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

So, hey, would you
do me a favor?

Return my uniform
back to O'Boyle,

and, uh, also, while
you're in there,

could you grab my check? Thanks.

You're... you're not quitting.

Yes, I am. No, you're not.

I am. No!

I've already been in
there twice for you,

first to tell him to not
hire you, then to hire you.

I'm not goin' in the 3rd time.

Wait, wait. You told
him not to hire me?

The first time, yeah.

Why would you do that?

Because I didn't want
you working here.

Well, you got your wish, pal.

I'm not workin' here. See ya!

Oh, you're workin' here.

Get back here!

Try to drive now!

Fine! I'll walk home!

Ow, you flipped me on cement!

Ow! There's gravel in my knee!

Say it! Say it!

Say you're not quitting! Say it!

No! And if you're
worried about O'Boyle,

I'll tell him it
was all my fault.

That way, you won't be in trouble,
and you won't have to work

with someone you hate!

I don't...

I don't hate you.

Come on. Yes, you do.

It's just...

Some things about
your personality.

What do you mean?

I don't know. You just...

Sometimes you push too hard.

I know. I know.

I do that.

Damn me!

I... I just want to
be closer to you.

And I would definitely
like to see you...

Once in a while.

That's nice to hear, man.

I'm glad we're really talkin'.

It's good.

Doug, I... I feel like
givin' you a hug.

Why don't we stand up first?

So we can enter the
contest, we're toast.

So why don't you call ahead?
I'm outta here.

Who's with me? Come on!