The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 22 - Swim Neighbors - full transcript

Whoo, doggie! Hell of a storm.

Pretty nasty out there.

You wanna do something
nasty in here?

I'm reading.

You won't even know I'm there.

Oh, man! The lights went out.

Huh? What are you talkin' about?

It's bright as day.

You're... You're blind!

Sweet mother of
mercy, you're blind!

Go get the flashlight. Go ahead.



Go get it. Go get
the flashlight.

Where is it?

It's in the top
drawer of the bureau.

Hey, what's taking you so long?

Excuse me, I am looking for it.

Put my underwear down!

All right, I got it. I got it.

Oh, man, the batteries are dead.

All right, there's a
candle right there.

Oh. Wait a second.
What scent is it?

It's bologna, ok? Would
you just light it?

Oh, wow. There's
only one match left.

It's like the miracle
of Hanukkah.

Hey, check this out.



Spooky face.

Whoo.

Oh, God!

Wow. That hurricane Mindy

wasn't kiddin' around, huh?

Ooh, look at that branch.

It went right through
that windshield.

Cool.

God, it's so hot out here.

It's like 150 degrees.

And it's so quiet.

Hey, do you think

we're the last 2
people left on earth?

Yes, Doug. That's very likely.

So hot.

God, the Sackskys!

What?

They're in the backyard.

What are they doing on our side?

Oh, my God. The fence is down.

It's all over the yard.

Oh, man. Now they're
just roaming free.

We gotta get 'em
back on their side.

Every time those
people come near us,

they take a little
piece of our soul.

Uh, hello, freakos.

You couldn't be more annoying.

Ok, let's make this quick.

Carrie, Doug, what a storm!

Thank God you guys are ok.

Hey, there's the guy.

Whoop! Bing.

Oh.

Good one.

Wow, what a mess.

Hmm. Yeah, but it's
just stuff, you know?

I mean, the most important thing

is that nobody was hurt.

You know what? We... we can
get our area over there.

Yeah, yeah. You know what?

I... I... I love to rake.

Yeah, he does. And I...

Oh, do you guys have
a fence person?

'Cause I can get the
yellow pages right now.

Uh, honey, get the pages.

Actually, you know,
wait a second.

One minute here.

Ok, what's he doing?

I don't know. Get the pages.

Kids, I just realized something.

Separately, our yards were

just 2 sad little veal cages.

But if we kept this fence down,

we're looking at a
dad-blamed compound here.

A what?

A compound! That's
a wonderful idea!

Hey, we could call
it "Sackernan."

Ooh!

You know, for Sacksky
and Heffernan?

Or... or... or Heffsky.

You know, either way
there's no ego here.

Um, you know what?
We're not, um...

We're not really
compound people.

Yeah... yeah. I don't
even use compound "w".

I get a wart, I live with it.

You're terrible!

Let me draw a sketch for you.

You'll see what I'm
talking about.

Guys, um...

Uh, do you have a grease
pencil and some graph paper?

No, no, no. I'm sorry.

No? Even this will do.

Here we go.

Ok, let me just

rough out a ground
plan for sackernan.

Sorry, heffsky.

Great, great.

Badminton courts.

A gazebo here.

Right there. Right there.

I think the gazebo
should go in the center.

Dorothy, I used
to landscape, ok?

You know, what we
got here, Doug?

A coy pond.

Uh, you like oversized goldfish?

Ahem, little...
little scared of 'em.

It's fun. You look...

Oh, oh, don't forget
a double swing.

So me and Carrie can sit
out at night and dash.

Ok, you know what?

This is a lot to chew on.

But it all sounds
very interesting.

Let us, um... Let's go over it.

Oh, oh, oh, sure. We'll
get back to you.

Now, nothing is written
in stone here.

So feel free to make
your own changes.

Just use a different color pen.

Ok.

Oh, oh, oh, gazebo. Gazebo.

Oh, my God.

How'd you get this up so fast?

Well, when you want
something bad enough,

you make it happen.

Did you, uh, talk to the
Sackskys about this?

No.

Carrie, we... we told them

we'd think about this whole
backyard compound thing.

Yeah, well, we also
told your cousin Tina

that her baby was cute.

It's called lying.

I know we're lying.
That's not the point.

You have to ease
into these things.

I mean, we have to live right
next door to these people.

We should have at least
waited a few days

to give them the illusion
we don't hate them.

They needed to be stopped.

I mean, they probably
have a gazebo guy

coming over right now!

Tim, get out here!

They put a new fence up!

What?

Didn't waste any time, did they?

Oh, I'm sure they
have an explanation.

Hi, Carrie.

Oh, God, Tim!

You scared me.

So, what do you think? You like?

So, I guess this is a "no"

on the whole
combined yard thing.

Oh, my God. You know what?

I forgot all about that.

Forgot? We presented the
idea to you not 8 hours ago.

Yeah, well, you know what?

The next time the fence
goes down, for sure.

Don't know when
that's gonna happen.

You seem to have sunk her
in cement this time.

Whoa, a fence!

Where the hell did
this come from?

This one sure works quick, huh?

Tim, ask them why they did this.

Do I have to spell it
out for you, Dorothy?

They don't like us.

No! It's that we... we...

We really value our privacy.

You know what? We're loners.
We are.

That's true. That's true.

Either one of us could have
been a serial killer easily.

But, you know, you make choices.

You know, you're not
doing anyone any favors

by soft-soaping
this, so, please,

just tell us what we
did to offend you.

Nothing, it's... it's just that

we don't want to share
a yard with you.

I'm sorry.

We just happen to feel that

normal people don't turn their
houses into a compound.

Oh, so now, we're not normal.

We're not normal?

What is normal, huh?

I mean, really, as far
as I'm concerned,

what passes for
normal these days

is pretty damn crazy.

So, after all these
years of friendship,

it's really nice to
know where you stand.

Oh, friendship?

Come on, we're not friends.

We're neighbors, ok?

And just because we happen

to live next door to each other,

does not mean we have
to like each other.

I mean, come on, honestly.

Do you really like us that much?

No. Now, if you'll excuse me...

Tim, it's not even...

I said, excuse me.

You see? Problem solved.

Hey, neighbor!

Tim.

Got yourself a pool there?

Oh! By golly, I do!

Hey, car!

What the...

I'll tell you what the.

A pool and a deck. Yeah!

How'd they do that so fast?

They probably got
your fence guy.

He's quite the handy Andy.

I can't believe this!

Oh, you believe it.
You threw up a fence,

which was a big "screw you,"

and they said, "we'll
see your fence,

and we'll raise you a pool"!

And bonus, we now know
Tim's a speedo man.

This... this has to go!

I mean, this makes
our fence moot!

Oh, it's moot all right. And
you know what else is moot?

Our privacy! Yeah,
bye-bye, privacy!

You're moot now!

All right, stop saying moot

because I don't think you're 100
percent sure what it means.

You can't do this, Tim.

Do what? Just
enjoying my backyard.

Your stupid pool and
deck are too high.

Well, then why don't
you just put up

a higher fence?

You're great at
putting up fences,

literally and figuratively.

Ok, you want a war? Is that it?

Well, you just got one, buddy...

No, no, no. Now, look.
Nobody wants a war, ok?

This fence wasn't meant like that.
Just...

I... I have a turtle.

She's a runner...

Would you stop it? No. Come on.

People build fences
all the time.

We had every right to build it,

unlike your observation
tower up there.

How about a compromise, Tim?

Look, you can have a pool,

just... just get a lower one.

All right, that's a great idea.

Oh, but instead, how
about we don't?

Here, Dorothy, catch.

I am warning you!

I work at a law firm.

There are building codes.

We can have this
thing taken down.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Yeah! Oh, ho, ho.

Ah, yeah! That's right.

Yeah.

Come on.

Ok, this is taking an
awkward amount of time.

Yeah. Yeah.

Marco!

Polo!

Have your fun now, Sackskys,

but you are going down.

It's hot!

Doug, come on! I
am working here.

I am trying to build a case

against those idiots out there.

This is kind of fun.

You know, I feel like
Erin Brockovich.

Of course, no one's
really getting cancer

from their pool, but...

What if their pool
did cause cancer?

Man, I would love that!

Look at this, honey.

I sweat myself a bra.

You are killing me, honey.

All right, I'll open
this other one.

Maybe we can get some
cross-ventilation goin'.

Oh, hey, Carrie.

Whoo-hoo!

I don't believe this!

Oh, we got 'em now!
We got 'em now!

What are you...
What are you doing?

I'm getting the video camera.

Hey, Dorothy, hand
me a towel, hon.

The big Hilton one.
That pool is cold!

I bet it is.

Ok, here we go.

Monday, 10:00 P.M.

Defendants are using a slide

located just outside
plaintiffs' window.

Hey, Tim, watch me.

Cannonball!

Laugh it up, sea monkeys.

You're only helping our case!

I'm gonna go stick my
underwear in the freezer.

Ok, baby.

Well, it's officially
rash season.

Well, let's hope you have a
better one than last year.

Oh, my God. Get up for a second.

Quick! Jeez. What? Wha-wha-what?

Listen, guy, while you're up,

you wanna get me a beer?

Make it 2. I'm dyin' here.

Hey, is that a pool out there?

Oh, yeah. The, uh,
Sackskys got one.

Really?

It's above ground.
It's very tacky.

Damn!

Are we watching T.V. Or what?

They're playing find the penny.

I kick ass at that game!

Hey! It's Doug and
his merry men.

How you guys doin'?

Good, Tim. Ok, you know what?

We'd love to stay and chat,

but we got a whole thing
goin' on in there.

Where? In your
aluminum hot house?

That's right. Come on, guys.

Listen, fellas, I
know that Doug here

isn't much of a pool person.

He's more of a fence guy.

But you two are
welcome to join us.

No.

Why not?

Because Carrie and I are

in a whole big thing
with these people.

Well, we're not.

It's just a stupid pool.

You never seen a pool before?

No, I've seen one, now
I want to be in one.

Hey, come on.

We can use a couple of extra
guys for our game of chicken.

I'm very good at that game, too.

All right, look. You
guys wanna go, you go.

But there's no coming back here.

The big T.V., the
fan, everything.

This all goes away.

Spence, no more
pop-o-matic trouble.

Gone.

Incoming!

Can't have fun without this.

Ha-ha!

Yeah.

Oh.

Uh, that's our last ball.

Any chance we can get
it back in one piece?

Sure.

Thanks. Classy move.

What happened here, Doug?

I'll tell you what happened.

You built this big thing
overlooking our property

and we don't like that.

We're pretty p.O.Ed.

Is it we or is it she?

Mostly she.

Does it seem fair
that she's the one

who's causing all the trouble

and you're the one
who has to suffer

out here in the heat?

Doesn't add up, no.

Come on.

You wanna be in that pool.

I want you in that pool.

Get in the pool!

You know I can't, all right?

Could you please
just leave me alone?

Let me paint you a picture.

When you first jump in,
the water shocks you.

And you think,

"oh, my! That's too cold."

But then your body
acclimates itself,

and you instinctively
kick your feet

and move your arms and
you are swimming.

You're swimming, Doug.

Not in water,

but in liquid heaven.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Pruzan?

Um, I have a personal
legal issue.

Can I run it by you real quick?

Sure. Shoot.

Ok, well, my neighbors,
the Sackskys.

They're this very
annoying couple.

You know the type, where they...

I'm on the clock here, Carrie.

Right, ok. Well, um, they
built an above-ground pool

that overlooks our yard.

Hmm.

Yeah, so first I thought

I could argue negative easement.

Possibly.

But then I thought it was

more of a private nuisance.

You're on the right track, Carrie.
Keep going.

Ok, well, a private
nuisance is anything

that reduces the value
of another's property.

Gettin' warmer.

And their pool falls
under that category.

By... by... by invading
the privacy of our yard,

they... they're hurting
our resale value.

Bull's eye! Great job.

Sounds like you've been
hiding a great legal mind

behind all that lip
gloss and blusher.

Thank you.

Seriously, it's a
good thing to see.

Great work.

Thank you. It really
means a lot to me.

Oh, Carrie?

Yeah?

Could you slice me up a banana?
Real thin.

Yeah-huh.

Yeah?

Oh, hi, Tim. It's Carrie.

Yeah. I've been looking
through some stuff,

and section 489

of the New York
City building code.

Your pool's in violation, buddy.

Doug and I are gonna
take it down.

See you in court, numbnuts!

Hi, sweetie.

Hey.

Well, the wheels of
justice are in motion.

By this time next week,

that pool will be nothing more

than a circle of dead grass.

Heh, those poor Sackskys.

I single-handedly
destroyed them.

You know what?

This must be that glow

that pregnant women talk about.

I don't know. I think
we should back off.

You know, live and let live.

No! They're bad, we're good.
We win.

Just like in the Bible.

I think you're going a
little overboard here.

You know, maybe
they're not so bad

when you really look at things,

and doesn't the Bible
say, you know,

"turn the other cheek.

"Let thy neighbor's pool

b-be thy pool?"

Wait a minute.

Come here for a second.

You smell like chlorine.

You've been in that pool!

If you just tried it
once, you'd understand!

How could you go in
my archenemies' pool?

Archenemy?

Who are you, catwoman?

Look, Carrie, I'm sorry,

but I just think you're
handling this all wrong.

Doug, they gave me
no other choice!

No, you did have a choice.

W-when normal people get
angry, they start here.

But you, you start up here

which gives you nowhere
to go but up here.

That's very high.

The point is, you betrayed me

just to cool off
in a stupid pool.

It was liquid heaven.

Doug, they're the Sackskys.

We hate them.

They're wrong, we're right.

Yeah, right, Carrie. You're right.
You are always right.

You know, but sometimes
it's better to be happy!

I am happy!

You don't know what happy is!

All right, you know what?
This is ridiculous.

I'd love to stay and chat

with you some more about this,

but I have to go
call my legal team

to discuss strategy.

Oh, do you? Yeah,
well, you know what?

I gotta go play
chase the dolphin,

so I guess we're
both pretty busy!

Mmm-mmm. This is
the life of Riley,

starring Doug as Riley.

Oh, by the way, Tim and Dorothy

told me I have carte blanche

which is a fancy way of saying

I can use the pool
whenever I want.

Yeah, well, enjoy
it while you can,

because tomorrow I'm
gonna serve them

with my cease and desist order.

That's a fancy way of saying

"pooly go bye-bye."

I'm gettin' a turtle.

Tim? Dorothy?

I've got some delightful
legal documents for you.

Ooh, lean it up against
the beach ball. Nice.

Ooh! No, no, no! Come back!

Ok.

Ooh.

Hi, Carrie. Taking a swim?

Oh.

Excuse me.

These papers may be wet,

but they are still legal
in the state of New York.

Excuse me.

How's it going, baby?

It's great, Carrie.

Much better than the pool.

Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.