The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 21 - Departure Time - full transcript
Doug's parents are coming in town so Doug and Carrie decide to go and pick them up at the airport and they bring upsetting news to Doug.
Today really? Th-that's great.
3:00? That's right, you know what,
no problem. Wide open today.
No, we're not.
You know what, don't worry
about it, it's no problem.
Doug, who're you talking to?
Look... look we wanna
see you, we're coming.
Doug, hello.
It's fine, yup, ok.
Pay attention to me.
Got it, ok, bye mom.
Oh.
Nice job, now I'm gonna hear her
voice every time I see those.
So am I hearing your parents
are coming down here today?
Yeah, yeah, they are, uh, flying
to Montreal for a wedding.
It turns out they got a
45-minute layover at j.F.K.
So we're gonna drive
out and see them.
Doug, even if I wasn't
really busy today,
that sounds like a
big pain in the ass.
Hey, come on, it's my parents.
I know and I love
them, believe me.
It's just the drive
there, find parking...
A 45-minute visit is
gonna take 4 hours.
A 4-hour inconvenience
with my parents
as opposed to in
my house always.
Doug, you may have never
made a better point.
Hmm. Yeah.
Dad, we're gonna have to move
your haircut appointment today.
I'm sorry. What? Why?
Doug's parents are
coming into town.
Well, well, well,
stop the world.
The Heffernans have deigned to
grace us with their presence.
Would you stop. They
are very nice people.
Yeah, well I'm down
here in the trenches,
doing the heavy
lifting of parenting,
then they waltz into town
and get all the glory.
Yes, you're an unsung hero.
Come on, I wanna meet
them when they get off.
I can't believe you made me
change my haircut appointment.
Dad we're taking you
there right after this.
And listen, you're not the only
one who had to move stuff, ok?
I had to change my
manicure to 6:00.
And I had to cancel
the toes, all right?
So suck it up, we're doing
this for Doug's parents.
Yeah, well while we're at it, why
don't we tweak the earth's axis
to make the weather
more pleasant for them.
Do you think my mom'll
bring her lemon squares?
Has she ever not?
No.
No, she always does.
Just gonna get a drink of water.
Come on, Arthur, can't
you grab it later?
Hold your horses, I'm thirsty.
What the hell just happened?
Oh, that was good water.
Check it, make him check it.
Ok, you know what,
it's not working, guy.
You got to... it's too big.
You got to check the bag.
No, you got to check it,
you got to check it.
All right here you go.
Sorry.
Oh, good, the doors
aren't even open yet.
See we didn't miss bupkiss.
The further you go,
the behinder he gets.
Can I borrow the pen?
What're you doing?
Just shut-y and watch-y.
Thanks.
Ok, I'm not gonna lie to you Doug,
it's border line embarrassing
you're kidding me, this
is gonna go over huge.
Is that them?
No.
My arm hurts.
You know, it's ok to
let this thing go.
It's gonna be hilarious.
Carrie, Doug, Arthur.
Hi.
Excuse me are you,
uh, "mom and dad."
What's this for?
It's like when you get a limo.
You got a limo? Oh, Doug, I
hope you didn't get a limo.
We got a connecting flight, you
told him it was just a layover.
Well, of course, I did.
Why do you waste a
$100 on a limo?
I didn't get one. We just
don't have the time.
Ok, here's what's going on here.
Doug thought it would be cute to
pretend he was a limo driver.
There's no car. Everything's
fine, the joke didn't land.
So lets all hug and say hi now.
My baby.
The same Dougie boy, eh?
Hello, Arthur.
I brought a couple of goodies
from the sunshine state.
There's a little something for everyone.
Ah, that's so nice.
For Carrie, from my favorite
store at the bulk & more.
Oh, this is great.
Ok, I'll just wear both.
Here you go.
Thank you.
So, uh, why aren't I
eating a lemon square?
Oh, my God, I'm so
sorry, I forgot.
Just kidding.
Don't do that, ok?
Give me that. After lunch.
Give me 'em.
Hey, hey, good to
see you, Spooner.
Heffernan. Got a little something
for you, too. Real deal.
Cubano.
Enjoy it, on me.
And so it begins.
Your sister's gonna make it?
She said she'll try, she's
reffing a girl's soccer game.
Oh, that's a good
way to meet a man.
Well, since we don't
have much time...
Yes, the dreaded to-do file.
Just a couple of things.
We're not gonna see you on your
birthday, so we goy you an early card.
Happy 30 bump bumps.
Hey, a $100 bill.
Hey much nicer than the
$50 you gave me last year
I told you, you
only gave him $50.
Too late, this is
now the minimum.
So, come on, how about giving
me a lemon square, huh?
Well, just one. I don't
wanna spoil your appetite.
Yet to happen.
Something's...
something's different.
Oh.
Since we're now in Florida,
I'm using real lemons
instead of that
fake bottle stuff.
Hmm.
What's the matter with you?
I wasn't told there'll
be gift giving.
Dad, it was just a nice gesture.
Yeah, well, I'm familiar
with that gesture.
It means I'm nothing and
they're aristocrats.
Joe owned a hardware store.
Did you see how he shoved
the cigar down my pocket?
Like he was tipping a bellhop.
I can't even stand
looking at it.
All right, well, great,
now you don't have to.
What else here?
Oh.
This cartoon reminded
me of you, sweety.
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
You see, the dog is driving
a truck just like you do
oh, yeah, I'll put
it with the others.
Well, what's, uh, what's this?
Oh, just some papers
we ned you to sign.
A living will?
It just says if ever
there's a problem,
that you shouldn't use
any artificial means
to keep your dad and me alive.
Is there a reason the cartoon
is attached to it, or...
No, I was just saving a staple.
You sign right here
beside the sticker.
And then your
initial right there
next to the section about comas.
Uh-huh.
Oh, we'd better go to the
bathroom before the food comes.
How do you know I have to go?
I'm sure you have to go.
She's right.
Those Heffernans always
trying to show me up.
You know when it
started, don't you?
The day I let them pay
for your wedding.
Dad, don't start with
that now, please.
You were out of a job, they
did a very nice thing.
Yes, but did it have
to be so lavish?
Oh, sure, everybody's got to
have a glass of champagne.
You already made your feelings
very clear on our wedding video.
Well, they're not the only ones
who can give flashy gifts.
Dad, you don't have
to buy them anything.
Yes I do. Today I
even the score.
Although I am a bit
short on cash.
Darling, uh, would you mind
floating me over a few balloons?
No.
Come on. No.
Dad, I-I'm paying for the food
and the rest I'm saving
for something not insane.
Fine. I gave you life. Whatever.
Douglas, quick. I need
to borrow some cash.
I only got like $10 on me.
Well, what have we
here, a c-note?
Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.
But you know I'm good for it.
Hey, there goes a
crap load of burgers.
Hey, where is everyone?
Look at this thing.
Look at what my parents gave me to sign.
Look at that.
A living will?
Yeah, look at this.
I get to be the conservator
of their person.
Which basically means if they stub
their toe, I fly in and waste them.
All right, calm down. We do these
at the law firm all the time
it's actually a good idea.
It's a terrible idea.
Look at this.
Look they checked "do not
resuscitate" on every thing.
It's like they can't
die fast enough.
Doug, it's not that
they wanna die.
It's just that they're trying
to plan for the future.
You know, in the off chance
if they're ever in a...
Vegetative state.
Vegetative state! They were just
supposed to bring me lemon squares.
Ok. I know this is stressful,
but it's what they want.
Did you, uh, sign one
of these for your dad?
Actually he checked "yes" to anything
they could do to keep him alive.
I think he even wrote in something
about freezing his head.
Hello, my good man, I'm in the
market for some high-end gifts.
Give me your most expensive
whisky and your finest perfume.
All righty, coming up.
"International duty free shop."
So tell me are we currently
standing on American soil
or are we in some sort
of a borderless limbo?
Uh, it's America.
That'll be $423.
Uh-huh, ok, plan b.
Lets go down to your 4th
best in both categories.
Sure.
And what flight are you on?
That's none of your affair.
You can't buy duty free unless
you're on an international flight.
I see, well, in that case,
I'm on b.O.A.C. Flight 1 en
route to constantinople.
I'll need to see a ticket.
I must have left it
in my attache case.
I'm sorry, I can't sell this
to you without a ticket.
Let me ask you this.
Were I traveling abroad, what
would my total have been?
$97.50.
I have in my hand a
crisp $100 bill.
What if I left the change on the
counter and just walked away?
Come on, it's a $300
travel voucher.
And we'll still get there.
I don't want to do it.
What's going on?
Oh, they overbooked a
flight to Montreal.
Now they're offering to bump
people on to the next flight.
And they hand us free money.
It's ridiculous! We're
flying to a wedding.
We're not gonna miss
the rehearsal dinner.
I don't give a crap about
this girl's rehearsal dinner.
I'd much rather spend the next 4
hours right here with you kids.
Cool.
Oh, I don't know. What
do you two think?
Um, actually, you know what?
Rehearsal dinners
are very important.
A friend missed ours, and
I, I really hate her now.
Thank you. Fine.
You signed those
papers yet, honey?
Uh, you know what? I'm
gonna hold on to these
and have my guy
take a look at 'em.
You have a guy now?
Yeah, I have a guy.
He looks over things.
What is he, a lawyer? Kinda.
You always used our guy!
When did you get a guy?
Actually, I've had
one for a while now.
What's the matter with Dan?
I've know Dan for 27 years. What
am I gonna tell Dan when he asks?
I don't care what
you tell Dan, ok?
You know, you fly in here
on a 45-minute layover,
and you spring your
death warrants on me,
stapled to a wizard
of ID cartoon!
You know, this is crazy!
I'm not signing.
Enjoy your comas.
You're gonna be in them
for quite some time.
Ha! Why couldn't the
Knicks get Shaq?
Well, if they let me run
that team for one year...
Dad, if you ran the team,
there'd be 87 players on a
billion-dollar payroll.
And a championship, son.
Right.
Look, we don't get to
see you that much.
Um, sorry this turned
into a whole thing.
Yeah, not our... Not
our best visit.
Well, we should have known
you might feel that way.
I remember how upset you were
when you had to take your
pet Guinea pig to the vet,
to put him to sleep.
Hey, mork still had
some good years left!
He was blind, and his
kidneys were shot.
He had more time.
Look, we got to start
boarding in like 20 minutes.
I don't want to leave without
getting this settled.
All right.
I'm gonna work with you here.
What are you most
uncomfortable with?
We're not married
to all of these.
I don't know, how about like...
like this one here?
"If I have no reasonable
hope for normal functioning,
"withhold life-sustaining
treatment, including nutrition
and anyhydration."
"X" that one out.
We can't lose that.
We might as well drop
the whole thing!
What else?
All right, then, fine.
How about this one?
"Turning off the respirator."
Nah, your mother's got her
heart set on that one.
Well, you're not
working with me here!
Don't yell at me, Dougie.
This wasn't my idea
in the first place.
What are you... What
are you saying?
I'm saying this is really
your mother's baby.
Do you even want to do this?
I guess I could either way.
But it'd be a whole big
thing with your mother.
So you'd rather die
instead of having
an awkward
conversation with mom?
I just don't want any trouble.
I'm sorry we dragged you out
to hear a Heffernan fight.
I'm sure you had much better
things to do with your day.
Oh, no! It's... it's... It's...
it's... it's, uh...
It's...
No! No, no, no.
Mom, dad has something
to say to you.
I do not.
Tell her what you
said back there!
I tell him you grow more beautiful
with each passing year.
No, no! He said he doesn't
want a living will.
He doesn't want to do this.
You said that?
I said nothing of the kind.
I very much want to die.
Look, now he can't say it!
Look, you... I'm not signing
it and you can't make me.
Ok, guys, I made it.
Hey, kiddo!
What's going on?
Mom and dad want me to kill 'em.
What?
We said we want your brother to
sign a little piece of paper
in case we ever get very sick.
Hello.
Am I supposed to sign it too?
Actually, no, honey. Just Doug.
W-why just Doug?
We only needed one
of you to sign it.
Then why don't I just sign it?
Well, because we just
wanted Doug to sign it.
Honey, you know, he's married.
He's settled. We
know where he is.
And you don't know where I am?
It's just that first
you were in buffalo,
and... and... and then you're
back here in queens, and...
It's called moving!
I did it once.
Honey, it's just...
If you were married
and settled down, or
even had a boyfriend,
or a partner of some sort.
What is that supposed to mean?
Darling, you're a single girl
wearing a referee's costume.
What are we supposed to think?
Look, it's her life. Let
her do what she wants.
Please, let me sign this.
You're not signing it.
This is so typical.
Doug got the bedroom
in the attic.
Doug got the car.
Doug gets to pull the plug.
He gets to do everything!
Joe, it's obvious we're
not gonna settle this
in the next 10 minutes.
Let's take that later flight.
Doug, I have a 6:00
manicure with Denise.
She's very hard to get.
Let Steph sign it.
No.
Come on, Doug. This
could be good for her.
Throw her a bone.
No!
Joe, see if you can change
our flight, would you?
You know what, you know, let me...
let me, yeah, let me do this.
You guys, you keep talking.
You're making progress here.
Oh, ok! Thank you, honey.
No problem. Later
flight, coming up.
You're going. Oh,
you're going now.
How about this?
How about we put these papers
away for 10, 15 years?
And then I'll be
happy to sign them.
I'm ready to sign them anytime.
Just back off, Steph.
Well, we're not going anywhere
until this is settled.
I hope Carrie's
getting somewhere
with the other flight.
Come on, Doug. We love you.
We ask so little of you.
It's just a piece of paper.
Do us a favor.
No, I'm not signing it.
Just sign it! Uh-uh.
Why are you making this
such a big giant thing?
Becau... because you...
I don't know, I mean...
All of a sudden
everything's different.
What do you mean?
I mean, dad, l-look at you, dad.
I mean, your hair
is totally gray.
You're not even using
just for men anymore.
It's like you don't care.
And mom?
Real lemons in the
lemon squares?
Why would you ever
mess with that?
Look, Doug, things can't
stay the same forever.
I... I know. I...
Look at that.
Just a second ago, that was me.
Huh? Remember that?
This guy right here was me.
Remember my face?
My pudgy little pie-stained-
from-McDonald's face.
Remember the chunkiness?
Where did it go?
Look, we're just trying
to go to Disney world.
Oh, that is so great! See?
Get him a hat.
You really...
You really want me to sign it?
Yes, we do.
All right, give me the papers.
I'll sign it.
Thank you, dear.
Yeah, but you gotta go
back to using fake juice
in the lemon squares, right?
You got it.
Yeah, 'cause that's
a deal-breaker.
I come bearing gifts.
What?
As patriarch of the
Spooner-Heffernan clan,
I thought I'd commemorate
the time we spent together.
No strings attached.
Arthur, you didn't have to.
It was totally unnecessary.
For Janet, the largest
big apple snow-globe
on the market.
Fine,
thank you.
And for Joe,
lady liberty in 2 sizes,
whatever works for your decor.
And you can Duke it out
over an assortment of
refreshing velamints,
a sparkle pen, and the
latest page-Turner
from Mr. Ken follet.
Well, thank you, Arthur.
That's what you
spent the $100 on?
That was my birthday gift.
Wait, you bought all these
with the money we gave to Doug?
So it's like we
bought our own gifts?
Oh, that's funny!
Thank you, Joe.
Thank you, Janet.
Son of a bitch!
Bad news. I cannot get you
guys on a later flight.
And I... I fought with the man.
He was very rude.
Everything is fine.
Doug signed the papers.
We're good to go.
Oh! Then it all worked out.
Ok, we should board.
If we want an overhead bin,
we're already on the bubble.
Sorry about all this, kitten.
Oh! Bye, dad. Mmm,
it's great to see you.
Well.
Yup.
Oh, I love you, baby.
Sorry I got upset. I just
love you both so much.
Ok. People. Let's put wings
on this credit crap.
Bye-bye, darling. Bye-bye baby.
Flight 714 has been delayed due
to congestion in Montreal.
We'll keep you updated as
we get more information.
Thank you.
Ha!
Hey.
So, what else?
Hold the Guinea
pig higher, Doug.
Ok.
It's October 3, 1978,
and we're presenting Doug
and his sidekick, Mork.
I love you, Mork, I love you.
♪ Eat a pellet, make a pellet,
eat a pellet, make a pellet ♪
♪ Eat a pellet, make a pellet
eat a pellet, make a pellet ♪
Doug, ok, Dougie.
♪ Eat a pellet, make a pellet ♪
Calm down, Dougie!
♪ Eat a pellet, make a pellet ♪
Dougie!
♪ Eat a pellet, make...
3:00? That's right, you know what,
no problem. Wide open today.
No, we're not.
You know what, don't worry
about it, it's no problem.
Doug, who're you talking to?
Look... look we wanna
see you, we're coming.
Doug, hello.
It's fine, yup, ok.
Pay attention to me.
Got it, ok, bye mom.
Oh.
Nice job, now I'm gonna hear her
voice every time I see those.
So am I hearing your parents
are coming down here today?
Yeah, yeah, they are, uh, flying
to Montreal for a wedding.
It turns out they got a
45-minute layover at j.F.K.
So we're gonna drive
out and see them.
Doug, even if I wasn't
really busy today,
that sounds like a
big pain in the ass.
Hey, come on, it's my parents.
I know and I love
them, believe me.
It's just the drive
there, find parking...
A 45-minute visit is
gonna take 4 hours.
A 4-hour inconvenience
with my parents
as opposed to in
my house always.
Doug, you may have never
made a better point.
Hmm. Yeah.
Dad, we're gonna have to move
your haircut appointment today.
I'm sorry. What? Why?
Doug's parents are
coming into town.
Well, well, well,
stop the world.
The Heffernans have deigned to
grace us with their presence.
Would you stop. They
are very nice people.
Yeah, well I'm down
here in the trenches,
doing the heavy
lifting of parenting,
then they waltz into town
and get all the glory.
Yes, you're an unsung hero.
Come on, I wanna meet
them when they get off.
I can't believe you made me
change my haircut appointment.
Dad we're taking you
there right after this.
And listen, you're not the only
one who had to move stuff, ok?
I had to change my
manicure to 6:00.
And I had to cancel
the toes, all right?
So suck it up, we're doing
this for Doug's parents.
Yeah, well while we're at it, why
don't we tweak the earth's axis
to make the weather
more pleasant for them.
Do you think my mom'll
bring her lemon squares?
Has she ever not?
No.
No, she always does.
Just gonna get a drink of water.
Come on, Arthur, can't
you grab it later?
Hold your horses, I'm thirsty.
What the hell just happened?
Oh, that was good water.
Check it, make him check it.
Ok, you know what,
it's not working, guy.
You got to... it's too big.
You got to check the bag.
No, you got to check it,
you got to check it.
All right here you go.
Sorry.
Oh, good, the doors
aren't even open yet.
See we didn't miss bupkiss.
The further you go,
the behinder he gets.
Can I borrow the pen?
What're you doing?
Just shut-y and watch-y.
Thanks.
Ok, I'm not gonna lie to you Doug,
it's border line embarrassing
you're kidding me, this
is gonna go over huge.
Is that them?
No.
My arm hurts.
You know, it's ok to
let this thing go.
It's gonna be hilarious.
Carrie, Doug, Arthur.
Hi.
Excuse me are you,
uh, "mom and dad."
What's this for?
It's like when you get a limo.
You got a limo? Oh, Doug, I
hope you didn't get a limo.
We got a connecting flight, you
told him it was just a layover.
Well, of course, I did.
Why do you waste a
$100 on a limo?
I didn't get one. We just
don't have the time.
Ok, here's what's going on here.
Doug thought it would be cute to
pretend he was a limo driver.
There's no car. Everything's
fine, the joke didn't land.
So lets all hug and say hi now.
My baby.
The same Dougie boy, eh?
Hello, Arthur.
I brought a couple of goodies
from the sunshine state.
There's a little something for everyone.
Ah, that's so nice.
For Carrie, from my favorite
store at the bulk & more.
Oh, this is great.
Ok, I'll just wear both.
Here you go.
Thank you.
So, uh, why aren't I
eating a lemon square?
Oh, my God, I'm so
sorry, I forgot.
Just kidding.
Don't do that, ok?
Give me that. After lunch.
Give me 'em.
Hey, hey, good to
see you, Spooner.
Heffernan. Got a little something
for you, too. Real deal.
Cubano.
Enjoy it, on me.
And so it begins.
Your sister's gonna make it?
She said she'll try, she's
reffing a girl's soccer game.
Oh, that's a good
way to meet a man.
Well, since we don't
have much time...
Yes, the dreaded to-do file.
Just a couple of things.
We're not gonna see you on your
birthday, so we goy you an early card.
Happy 30 bump bumps.
Hey, a $100 bill.
Hey much nicer than the
$50 you gave me last year
I told you, you
only gave him $50.
Too late, this is
now the minimum.
So, come on, how about giving
me a lemon square, huh?
Well, just one. I don't
wanna spoil your appetite.
Yet to happen.
Something's...
something's different.
Oh.
Since we're now in Florida,
I'm using real lemons
instead of that
fake bottle stuff.
Hmm.
What's the matter with you?
I wasn't told there'll
be gift giving.
Dad, it was just a nice gesture.
Yeah, well, I'm familiar
with that gesture.
It means I'm nothing and
they're aristocrats.
Joe owned a hardware store.
Did you see how he shoved
the cigar down my pocket?
Like he was tipping a bellhop.
I can't even stand
looking at it.
All right, well, great,
now you don't have to.
What else here?
Oh.
This cartoon reminded
me of you, sweety.
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
You see, the dog is driving
a truck just like you do
oh, yeah, I'll put
it with the others.
Well, what's, uh, what's this?
Oh, just some papers
we ned you to sign.
A living will?
It just says if ever
there's a problem,
that you shouldn't use
any artificial means
to keep your dad and me alive.
Is there a reason the cartoon
is attached to it, or...
No, I was just saving a staple.
You sign right here
beside the sticker.
And then your
initial right there
next to the section about comas.
Uh-huh.
Oh, we'd better go to the
bathroom before the food comes.
How do you know I have to go?
I'm sure you have to go.
She's right.
Those Heffernans always
trying to show me up.
You know when it
started, don't you?
The day I let them pay
for your wedding.
Dad, don't start with
that now, please.
You were out of a job, they
did a very nice thing.
Yes, but did it have
to be so lavish?
Oh, sure, everybody's got to
have a glass of champagne.
You already made your feelings
very clear on our wedding video.
Well, they're not the only ones
who can give flashy gifts.
Dad, you don't have
to buy them anything.
Yes I do. Today I
even the score.
Although I am a bit
short on cash.
Darling, uh, would you mind
floating me over a few balloons?
No.
Come on. No.
Dad, I-I'm paying for the food
and the rest I'm saving
for something not insane.
Fine. I gave you life. Whatever.
Douglas, quick. I need
to borrow some cash.
I only got like $10 on me.
Well, what have we
here, a c-note?
Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.
But you know I'm good for it.
Hey, there goes a
crap load of burgers.
Hey, where is everyone?
Look at this thing.
Look at what my parents gave me to sign.
Look at that.
A living will?
Yeah, look at this.
I get to be the conservator
of their person.
Which basically means if they stub
their toe, I fly in and waste them.
All right, calm down. We do these
at the law firm all the time
it's actually a good idea.
It's a terrible idea.
Look at this.
Look they checked "do not
resuscitate" on every thing.
It's like they can't
die fast enough.
Doug, it's not that
they wanna die.
It's just that they're trying
to plan for the future.
You know, in the off chance
if they're ever in a...
Vegetative state.
Vegetative state! They were just
supposed to bring me lemon squares.
Ok. I know this is stressful,
but it's what they want.
Did you, uh, sign one
of these for your dad?
Actually he checked "yes" to anything
they could do to keep him alive.
I think he even wrote in something
about freezing his head.
Hello, my good man, I'm in the
market for some high-end gifts.
Give me your most expensive
whisky and your finest perfume.
All righty, coming up.
"International duty free shop."
So tell me are we currently
standing on American soil
or are we in some sort
of a borderless limbo?
Uh, it's America.
That'll be $423.
Uh-huh, ok, plan b.
Lets go down to your 4th
best in both categories.
Sure.
And what flight are you on?
That's none of your affair.
You can't buy duty free unless
you're on an international flight.
I see, well, in that case,
I'm on b.O.A.C. Flight 1 en
route to constantinople.
I'll need to see a ticket.
I must have left it
in my attache case.
I'm sorry, I can't sell this
to you without a ticket.
Let me ask you this.
Were I traveling abroad, what
would my total have been?
$97.50.
I have in my hand a
crisp $100 bill.
What if I left the change on the
counter and just walked away?
Come on, it's a $300
travel voucher.
And we'll still get there.
I don't want to do it.
What's going on?
Oh, they overbooked a
flight to Montreal.
Now they're offering to bump
people on to the next flight.
And they hand us free money.
It's ridiculous! We're
flying to a wedding.
We're not gonna miss
the rehearsal dinner.
I don't give a crap about
this girl's rehearsal dinner.
I'd much rather spend the next 4
hours right here with you kids.
Cool.
Oh, I don't know. What
do you two think?
Um, actually, you know what?
Rehearsal dinners
are very important.
A friend missed ours, and
I, I really hate her now.
Thank you. Fine.
You signed those
papers yet, honey?
Uh, you know what? I'm
gonna hold on to these
and have my guy
take a look at 'em.
You have a guy now?
Yeah, I have a guy.
He looks over things.
What is he, a lawyer? Kinda.
You always used our guy!
When did you get a guy?
Actually, I've had
one for a while now.
What's the matter with Dan?
I've know Dan for 27 years. What
am I gonna tell Dan when he asks?
I don't care what
you tell Dan, ok?
You know, you fly in here
on a 45-minute layover,
and you spring your
death warrants on me,
stapled to a wizard
of ID cartoon!
You know, this is crazy!
I'm not signing.
Enjoy your comas.
You're gonna be in them
for quite some time.
Ha! Why couldn't the
Knicks get Shaq?
Well, if they let me run
that team for one year...
Dad, if you ran the team,
there'd be 87 players on a
billion-dollar payroll.
And a championship, son.
Right.
Look, we don't get to
see you that much.
Um, sorry this turned
into a whole thing.
Yeah, not our... Not
our best visit.
Well, we should have known
you might feel that way.
I remember how upset you were
when you had to take your
pet Guinea pig to the vet,
to put him to sleep.
Hey, mork still had
some good years left!
He was blind, and his
kidneys were shot.
He had more time.
Look, we got to start
boarding in like 20 minutes.
I don't want to leave without
getting this settled.
All right.
I'm gonna work with you here.
What are you most
uncomfortable with?
We're not married
to all of these.
I don't know, how about like...
like this one here?
"If I have no reasonable
hope for normal functioning,
"withhold life-sustaining
treatment, including nutrition
and anyhydration."
"X" that one out.
We can't lose that.
We might as well drop
the whole thing!
What else?
All right, then, fine.
How about this one?
"Turning off the respirator."
Nah, your mother's got her
heart set on that one.
Well, you're not
working with me here!
Don't yell at me, Dougie.
This wasn't my idea
in the first place.
What are you... What
are you saying?
I'm saying this is really
your mother's baby.
Do you even want to do this?
I guess I could either way.
But it'd be a whole big
thing with your mother.
So you'd rather die
instead of having
an awkward
conversation with mom?
I just don't want any trouble.
I'm sorry we dragged you out
to hear a Heffernan fight.
I'm sure you had much better
things to do with your day.
Oh, no! It's... it's... It's...
it's... it's, uh...
It's...
No! No, no, no.
Mom, dad has something
to say to you.
I do not.
Tell her what you
said back there!
I tell him you grow more beautiful
with each passing year.
No, no! He said he doesn't
want a living will.
He doesn't want to do this.
You said that?
I said nothing of the kind.
I very much want to die.
Look, now he can't say it!
Look, you... I'm not signing
it and you can't make me.
Ok, guys, I made it.
Hey, kiddo!
What's going on?
Mom and dad want me to kill 'em.
What?
We said we want your brother to
sign a little piece of paper
in case we ever get very sick.
Hello.
Am I supposed to sign it too?
Actually, no, honey. Just Doug.
W-why just Doug?
We only needed one
of you to sign it.
Then why don't I just sign it?
Well, because we just
wanted Doug to sign it.
Honey, you know, he's married.
He's settled. We
know where he is.
And you don't know where I am?
It's just that first
you were in buffalo,
and... and... and then you're
back here in queens, and...
It's called moving!
I did it once.
Honey, it's just...
If you were married
and settled down, or
even had a boyfriend,
or a partner of some sort.
What is that supposed to mean?
Darling, you're a single girl
wearing a referee's costume.
What are we supposed to think?
Look, it's her life. Let
her do what she wants.
Please, let me sign this.
You're not signing it.
This is so typical.
Doug got the bedroom
in the attic.
Doug got the car.
Doug gets to pull the plug.
He gets to do everything!
Joe, it's obvious we're
not gonna settle this
in the next 10 minutes.
Let's take that later flight.
Doug, I have a 6:00
manicure with Denise.
She's very hard to get.
Let Steph sign it.
No.
Come on, Doug. This
could be good for her.
Throw her a bone.
No!
Joe, see if you can change
our flight, would you?
You know what, you know, let me...
let me, yeah, let me do this.
You guys, you keep talking.
You're making progress here.
Oh, ok! Thank you, honey.
No problem. Later
flight, coming up.
You're going. Oh,
you're going now.
How about this?
How about we put these papers
away for 10, 15 years?
And then I'll be
happy to sign them.
I'm ready to sign them anytime.
Just back off, Steph.
Well, we're not going anywhere
until this is settled.
I hope Carrie's
getting somewhere
with the other flight.
Come on, Doug. We love you.
We ask so little of you.
It's just a piece of paper.
Do us a favor.
No, I'm not signing it.
Just sign it! Uh-uh.
Why are you making this
such a big giant thing?
Becau... because you...
I don't know, I mean...
All of a sudden
everything's different.
What do you mean?
I mean, dad, l-look at you, dad.
I mean, your hair
is totally gray.
You're not even using
just for men anymore.
It's like you don't care.
And mom?
Real lemons in the
lemon squares?
Why would you ever
mess with that?
Look, Doug, things can't
stay the same forever.
I... I know. I...
Look at that.
Just a second ago, that was me.
Huh? Remember that?
This guy right here was me.
Remember my face?
My pudgy little pie-stained-
from-McDonald's face.
Remember the chunkiness?
Where did it go?
Look, we're just trying
to go to Disney world.
Oh, that is so great! See?
Get him a hat.
You really...
You really want me to sign it?
Yes, we do.
All right, give me the papers.
I'll sign it.
Thank you, dear.
Yeah, but you gotta go
back to using fake juice
in the lemon squares, right?
You got it.
Yeah, 'cause that's
a deal-breaker.
I come bearing gifts.
What?
As patriarch of the
Spooner-Heffernan clan,
I thought I'd commemorate
the time we spent together.
No strings attached.
Arthur, you didn't have to.
It was totally unnecessary.
For Janet, the largest
big apple snow-globe
on the market.
Fine,
thank you.
And for Joe,
lady liberty in 2 sizes,
whatever works for your decor.
And you can Duke it out
over an assortment of
refreshing velamints,
a sparkle pen, and the
latest page-Turner
from Mr. Ken follet.
Well, thank you, Arthur.
That's what you
spent the $100 on?
That was my birthday gift.
Wait, you bought all these
with the money we gave to Doug?
So it's like we
bought our own gifts?
Oh, that's funny!
Thank you, Joe.
Thank you, Janet.
Son of a bitch!
Bad news. I cannot get you
guys on a later flight.
And I... I fought with the man.
He was very rude.
Everything is fine.
Doug signed the papers.
We're good to go.
Oh! Then it all worked out.
Ok, we should board.
If we want an overhead bin,
we're already on the bubble.
Sorry about all this, kitten.
Oh! Bye, dad. Mmm,
it's great to see you.
Well.
Yup.
Oh, I love you, baby.
Sorry I got upset. I just
love you both so much.
Ok. People. Let's put wings
on this credit crap.
Bye-bye, darling. Bye-bye baby.
Flight 714 has been delayed due
to congestion in Montreal.
We'll keep you updated as
we get more information.
Thank you.
Ha!
Hey.
So, what else?
Hold the Guinea
pig higher, Doug.
Ok.
It's October 3, 1978,
and we're presenting Doug
and his sidekick, Mork.
I love you, Mork, I love you.
♪ Eat a pellet, make a pellet,
eat a pellet, make a pellet ♪
♪ Eat a pellet, make a pellet
eat a pellet, make a pellet ♪
Doug, ok, Dougie.
♪ Eat a pellet, make a pellet ♪
Calm down, Dougie!
♪ Eat a pellet, make a pellet ♪
Dougie!
♪ Eat a pellet, make...