The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 4, Episode 2 - Sight Gag - full transcript

There's no better
feeling in the world

than a warm pizza
box on your lap.

I know you love it, baby.

Don't try to take a
slice out, Doug.

You'll just get pizza on
yourself and the car.

Just lookin' at her, makin'
sure she's our girl.

Yup, that's Annie may.

She's purty.

Doug! It's just pepperoni!

One piece of pepperoni!

I got pizza on
myself and the car.



Hey. Hi, baby.

We... we should keep gum.

We should have, like,
a whole drawer

just dedicated to gum.

Yeah. Great idea. Doug
Heffernan for president.

Ok, so, I'm just gonna
jump in the shower,

and then we'll, uh,
swing by the bank

and head over to the d.M.V.

D.M.V? You didn't say anything
about going to the d.M.V.

Yeah. I just found out my
license expires on my birthday

in like 2 weeks.

The bank and the d.M.V?

I've done nothing to hurt you.

Oh, come on. You'll keep
me entertained in line



with all that funny
crap you say.

Douglas, I heard
through the grapevine

that, uh, you kids were
doin' some errands.

Would you mind dropping
these bags off

at goodwill for me?

Yeah, sure.

I've inflated the
value of everything

I'm donating by 50%.

Take that, Johnny I.R.S.

I'm sure the poor will
really appreciate

your used underwear.

I only hope it serves them
as well as it served me.

Hold on a second.

You're donating
some of our stuff.

Oh, Carrie put some
things in there.

Wait a second. This is
the jacket I gave her

on our last anniversary.

Let me see.

Yowza, that's a doozy.

What are you talking about?

It's a great jacket.

Great if you like to wear things

that are extremely ugly.

What's up with this?

This is the necklace I gave her.

It's a nice necklace, ok?
It was very expensive.

Douglas, I hope I'm not
betraying Carrie's confidence

when I say she told me
she hates every gift

you've ever given her.

You don't know what
you're talkin' about.

Oh, don't I? She may
open your gifts

with a smile on her face,

but she's dead behind the eyes.

Hangin' at the d.M.V.

The dumuv.

I was, uh, wondering,

anything special you want for
your birthday this year?

Oh. Uh, no, not really.

You don't have to
get me anything,

just your love.

That's sweet.

Hey, speaking of presents,

remember that necklace
I got you last year?

You know, the one with the...
the beads?

How come you never wear that?

I wear that.

You do? Yup.

Really? When?

Um, usually just at work.

Next.

Hi. I'm renewing.

Ok.

Please look into the machine.

Read the third line down.

Ok, that's, um...

"Y, e, d,"

"h", and, uh...

Is that a... is
that a dollar sign?

Are those in there now?

Do you wear glasses
or contact lenses

you don't have in right now?

Um, I have glasses,

but I don't need them to drive.

I can see fine. It's
"y, e, d, h"...

Dollar sign.

Ok, I'm gonna have
to Mark you down

with a "one" for
corrective lenses.

I don't need glasses
to drive, ok?

Not a whole lot of
little tiny eye charts

on the side of the road there.

I mean, ask my husband.
Am I not a great driver?

You have your own style.

Excuse me. Come here for a second.
Come here.

What is your problem? Could
you just back me up here?

Back you up?

They're telling you you
need glasses to drive.

They're the department
of driving.

I'm kind of with
them on this one.

But I already need them to read.

I don't want to wear
them all the time.

They make me feel old.
Next thing you know,

they'll be hanging on a
chain around my neck.

I'll have the flab thing
goin' on over here.

So you'll feel old, but
pedestrians will live.

Fine.

Hello.

Uh. I can't do this.

You know what you should've got?

You should've got
yourself a pair

of those cat-eye contacts
like in the thriller video.

Huh?

Could you just not look at me?

All right. Could I
get to the sink?

You know Deacon's kids?

They got that new wild
Berry-flavored toothpaste.

I tried it. You know what it is?

It's wild!

Could you also not speak

and maybe leave?

Yeah, well, this
will cheer you up.

Everybody I invited

is comin' to your
birthday party.

And you're gonna
love your present...

As soon as you tell me
what I should get you.

I don't know. I can't
focus on that right now.

Ok, you know what? I can't...

I can't... I'm not gonna...
I can't wear these.

I'm just gonna have to
go with my glasses.

Well, I think you look
adorable in them.

Aw, do you?

Get out of here before
I kick your ass.

Guess who!

Still not gettin' it.

Hey!

Hi. Guess what?

I finally got you the
greatest birthday present

in the entire world.

I know it's a few days early,

but I give you the
gift of sight.

What? Open it up, open it up.

Laser eye surgery?

Laser eye surgery!

One and a half minutes on each
eye, and, bam, you're cured.

No glasses, no contacts.
Just perfect vision.

Yeah, I know a few
people who got this.

And I took care of
everything with your boss.

I got you 4 days off to recover

even though most people are
good to go the next day.

But definitely by your party,
you're lookin' at 20-20.

So?

Wow. Well, it'd be great

not to have to wear glasses.

Yeah!

But eye surgery.

Isn't that kind of risky?

Risky? Well, let
me just read you

a list of those people who were
willing to take that risk.

Brad Pitt, hmm?
Big-time movie star.

Not too big for
Lasik, though, is he?

Former defense secretary
William Cohen.

I'm a huge fan.

Kenny g. Kenny g, Carrie.

You think Kenny g. Would
risk going blind?

His eyes are his living!

He's a musician.

Aren't a lot of them blind?

Come on, are you gonna do it?

I don't know.

Come on, you gonna do it?
I don't know!

You're not gonna do it, are you?

It's just... It's eye surgery.

You know, that's
surgery on your eyes.

Damn it.

I just... I really thought
I pulled it off this time.

What are you talkin' about?

You reject all my presents.

What? That's not true!

Yeah? What about the necklace
I got you last year?

You know, the one you "wear."

I found it in the goodwill bag.

Oh. No, no, no, no.
I did wear that.

I wore it so much,
I wore it out.

You know what? It's
fine, you know.

I'll just... I'll
call the doctor

and I'll... I'll
cancel everything, ok?

Honey, it's just that, you know,

that's a necklace. This is...
this is surgery.

I just thought I'd
finally found something

you'd really love and you...
you needed,

and I just thought it'd be
real special, that's all.

You know what? It...
it is special, honey.

It is special. I-I'm
gonna go for it.

Really? Yes.

Yes!

Wait till you see the surprise
I get you for Christmas.

I'm not gonna tell
you what it is,

but you're gonna
need a bigger bra.

I can't believe I'm
actually doing this.

Perfect vision by your birthday.

It's gonna be awesome.

Hey, look.

Little baby with glasses.

Wonder if he does the
other baby's taxes.

Carrie Heffernan?

That's me.

You can follow me to
the prep room now.

Ok. Well, this is it.

Hey, listen, uh,

since you're gonna be
seeing clear from now on,

I feel I should warn you.

I'm a little overweight.

Ok, honey, ok. I gotta go.
All right. Bye.

Ok.

Hey, Happy Birthday, baby!

Doug, wake up.

Hmm? Hmm.

You're totally blurry.

Really?

All right. Well, it's
just the first day.

They said there could
be some side effects.

It's totally normal.

Still blurry, Doug.

Still normal.

Normal.

I still can't see, Doug.

It's 2 days before my birthday,

and I still can't see.

Does it say anything
in the brochure

about how long it took Kenny g

to see normally?

I think he was just
mentioned the one time.

So it's exactly the same?

I mean, give me a status report.

Is everything still cloudy?

No, no. Today,
everything's doubled,

and all light looks
like hazy starbursts.

I gotta tell you, car,

that sounds pretty
freakin' cool.

Yeah. Being blind is awesome.

I'm just trying to
lighten things up.

The doctor said it may
take some time, huh?

We're still in that range.

Let's not freak out.

And that toaster's on.

Douglas.

Hello, darling, it's your daddy!

Hi, dad.

I'm standing right next to you,

and I'm going to kiss
you good morning.

Don't be startled.

Thank you. Thank you.

That was lovely.

Now I need some coffee.

You know what? Here, let me...

Don't help her!

If she's gonna survive,

she needs to learn to
live with her disability.

I told you, she's gonna be fine.

She's blind, damn it!

And you're gonna make her soft

and get her killed.

Ok, the both of you...

Just... you need to shut up, ok?

Because you're totally
stressing me out.

I'm gonna call the
doctor to make sure

this is really normal. Ok,
I can't find the phone.

Here, let me get it.
I'll get it.

Don't help her!

Shut off!

Yeah, hi, this is,
uh, Doug Heffernan.

Is Dr. whitehorn available?

Yeah. Sure, I'll hold.

Yeah, hello? Yeah.

Uh, yeah, my wife was in there

for laser eye surgery
about 5 days ago,

and she's still not
seeing all that well.

Is that normal?

Oh, ok.

Thank you, thank you very much.
Ok.

You're gonna be fine.
It's totally normal.

He said it wasn't normal.

When I told him it
had been 5 days,

he actually said, "huh!"

You do not want to hear "huh"
from your eye surgeon.

I know.

He said if she didn't get better by...
by tomorrow,

he'd have to go back
in there and fix it.

Like go back into her eyes?

Actually, I think they use
the same incision line...

Stop, man. They... no.

Then they cut open a flap,

and they slip in
under the cornea...

Would you stop it?

It's what they do.

I don't care what they do.

I don't want to hear
about an eye flap. Damn!

Why did I do this?

I told you to get her
the foot massager.

Why didn't you get her
the foot massager?

I thought about it,
but then I was like,

"when is she really
gonna use this?"

So, I decided to
blind her instead.

Hey, you know who else is blind?

This ref! Am I right?

Birthday party!

B-day part-ay!

Part-ay!

Party on down to birthday town.

I'm a prisoner in my own body.

Come on, let's... let's get you ready.
Let's paint your face up.

You're always happy when
you paint your face up.

I can't see. How am I
gonna put my makeup on?

Well, hey, that's what
I'm here for, huh?

Let me work my magic.

Come on,

let's stroll out over
to the goop zone.

All right, you know,
I'll come to you.

That's fine. We'll, uh,
we'll start with the lips.

Whoa. Mac.

I'm your "Mac" daddy.

There we go.

Jeez, I feel... feel
a little bit like

a serial killer.

Pretty.

You look so pretty.

Pretty little...

Pretty.

All right, all right.
You know what?

This is insane.

Why am I even having a party?

I can't friggin' see.

The doctor said I would
be better by today.

How come I'm not better?

Actually, now that
you bring it up,

he did mention

that he might have
get back in there

and do the operation again.

Hold still now.

What? Another operation?

How come you didn't
say anything?

That was a worst-case scenario.

Oh, so I'm a
worst-case scenario?

Oh, my... I can't believe I
let you talk me into this.

Honey, look, you're
gonna be fine.

I'll take you back
there tomorrow,

and they'll take care of you.

And today, we got a great
party for you, huh?

It'll take your
mind off of things.

No, it won't. What do you think?

Halfway through I'm gonna
forget I can't see?

You don't need to see to enjoy.

You still have 5 other senses.

5 other senses?

There are only 5 senses total.

No, there are 6.

No, there are 5.

Ok, fine. What about the
movie the sixth sense?

Huh? You think they
were just wrong?

An entire film
company, just wrong.

The... the... the point is,

your friends, they
wanna see you.

I mean, they love you.

And I... I... I love you.
Come on, now. Come on.

Fine.

There you go.

You know, I think this blindness

actually softens you
a little, you know?

It makes you more approachable

like Marlee Matlin.

She's very hot,

but the deaf thing
makes you think,

"mmm, I could get her."

♪ Happy Birthday, dear Carrie ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to you

I'm gonna set this here.

Whoa, whoa, watch yourself.
Now, that... that's fire.

All right, honey, just...
just blow now.

Ok.

Thank you, everyone, for coming.

I know this is a little weird.

It's great.

Oh, I'll, uh, I'll
serve this up.

Ok, thanks, sweetie.

Uh, ahem,

you're Carrie's boss, right?

I sure am.

I don't want you cutting her

any slack at work
because she's blind.

Reprimand her just as hard
as you would anyone else.

If necessary,

I will make her
life a living hell.

God bless you.

How about opening some presents?

Yeah.

All right, here we go.

Oh, oh, that one's from, uh, me.

From Spence.

Oh, thank you.

Ok.

Hey.

Hey, nice, Spence.

Hey, what is it?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

It's a... It's a
beautiful red sweater.

Feel that. Feels nice, huh?

Feel that.

Oh, well, thank you, Spence.

Oh, I'm over here now.

Marco!

This one's from me.

From Kim from the office.

Ok. Ok.

Oh, wow! It's a beautiful
book of nature photographs.

Sorry.

Ok, you know what?

Everybody just talk
amongst yourselves, ok?

Party like I can see fine.

Ok.

I gotta tell you, Carrie,

I am shocked at the problems

you're having with your surgery.

I feel awful.

Oh. Thank you, Mr. Pruzan,
but it's not your fault.

Well, I feel like it is.

I mean, I was the one who
recommended you to go to Dr. Burns.

When he did my eyes, I was
skeet shooting that afternoon.

I didn't go to a Dr. Burns.

I never heard of a Dr. Burns.

I told Doug about him

when he called to ask
for your time off.

What happened?

I thought you were
gonna go with my guy.

There are a lot of places.

Where'd you end up going?

We went to, uh...

Vision village.

Doug, can I talk to you
privately for a second?

Pruzan told you about
a great doctor?

Yeah. He told me about his guy,

but I thought we
should go another way.

Go another way. Hmm.

Watch out, honey!

Could you just calm down?

Look, the guy he recommended
was in Manhattan.

You go in there,
you're just paying

for the bells and the whistles.

Mmm-hmm. Is sight a
bell or a whistle?

The place we went
to seemed fine.

They were certified.

I got the certification inside.
You want to see it?

I'd like to see a
lot of things, hon.

I'm just... I'm just
sayin' it seemed fine, ok?

I mean, the brochure,
it was beautiful,

and I... I got the
coupon in the mail.

A coupon?

I cannot believe you used
a coupon for my surgery?

How could you go to a place

that even offered a coupon?

How much did you save, Doug?

I don't want to say now.

I wanna know how much you saved.

Half off the second eye.

Half off the second eye.

That's wonderful.

You know what, sweetie?

Next time you want
to give me a gift,

just hand me a $100 bill,

and stay the hell away from me.

Ok, Carrie, you
know, I get it, ok?

All my gifts suck, ok?

Why don't you just
throw your eyeballs

in the goodwill bag?

Oh, I cannot believe

you are still trying to make
me feel guilty about this.

Yeah, well, you
hurt my feelings!

Well, you blinded me!

So we're even!

Ok, here we go.

Wow. Pruzan's guy

even uses nicer bandages.

All right. Could you
just get it off please?

I will. Relax, ok?

Everything's gonna be fine.

Ok.

Here we go.

I can see.

I can see everything clearly.

Oh, my God, this is fantastic!

Ok.

Apology accepted.

There's no better
feeling in the world

than a warm bag of
Chinese take-out

on your lap.

I thought there was no
better feeling than pizza.

Now it's Chinese.

Ok.

I got egg roll on
myself and the car.