The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 4 - Class Struggle - full transcript
Carrie decides to return to college, with very little time to get things done.
I'm coming!
Yeah, hello?
Hey, it's me, Steph.
Are you ok?
Yeah, I just, uh,
ran for the phone.
Oh, well, you'll be glad you
did, 'cause guess what?
Are you sure you're all right?
No, no. Let's give
it another minute
before we panic.
Well, assuming you don't drop,
how would you like to
go with me tonight
to the ranger game?
You got tickets?
Hey, I'm in the sports biz.
You teach gym.
Do you want to go or not?
I want to go, but I... I can't.
I promised Carrie we'd
rent a movie tonight.
Come on. I've only been
back in town a month,
and we've hardly
seen each other.
Don't you want to do a little
brother-sister bonding?
Where are the seats?
They're in the garden.
That's all you need to know.
No, I... I can't. I can't.
I... I blew Carrie off the
last few movie nights.
This one could
impact my sex life.
I mean, I'll get the basics,
but, no extras.
Hold on a second. I'm
getting another call.
Yeah, hello?
Hey, hon, it's me.
Um, big favor.
You know Laura-Beth, that
lawyer I'm friendly with?
Yeah.
Well, she invited
me out to dinner
with her and, um, a
couple of her friends,
and I just wanted to know if it
was ok if I missed movie night.
Well, I already rented
Girl, Interrupted.
I... I got it right here.
Oh, come on, hon. I
really want to go.
You know, girls' night out.
I could make some new friends,
or just friends, period.
Go, go. Have... have fun.
Oh, really? You're the best, honey.
I love you.
Ok, are we through? 'Cause
I'm on the other line.
All right. I'll see you
around 10:00. Bye.
Good news. Carrie's going
out with some lesbians.
♪ Happy Birthday, dear Lisa
♪ Happy Birthday to you
yay, thank you.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Lovely voices. All
of you, really.
I hope you all die.
Ah.
Especially you. You're new.
You should be nicer.
Yeah, yeah. Too much peer pressure.
I caved.
Yeah, you did. Clearly.
Don't be like that
on your birthday.
It is not my birthday!
Shh. They'll make us
pay for the cake.
All right, I give up.
Happy 27th to me.
There you go.
27? I'm sorry, did
you sleep through
your last 5 birthdays?
Well, I wouldn't mind
jumping ahead a few years.
Then I wouldn't have to go to
my barnard reunion next week.
You're going to a
reunion next week,
and you're eating fudge cake?
Gutsy. I like that.
I can't wait to go to
my college reunion.
Well, really. I... I just made
partner, I just got married,
and I could crack a
walnut with my ass.
It's the right time
for a reunion, baby!
Or a bad time if
you're a walnut.
Carrie, have you gone
to your reunion yet?
Oh, uh, actually, I... I
didn't graduate. So...
What? No, wait, I, uh, I
thought you were a lawyer.
Me? No, no, no. I'm a secretary.
Like, the best
secretary at the firm.
Oh, thank you.
Oh. Oh. Wow.
Cool. Yeah, hey,
and I hear secretaries
week is coming up soon,
so that will be good, right?
Oh, my God, I totally
forgot to tell you...
Hey. Hey, funny thing.
Right after you called,
Stephanie called
with ranger tickets.
Huh? Whoo. Talk
about meant to be.
I mean, I know we're
all God's children,
but sometimes I think he
likes me extra special.
So, how was ladies
night out, huh?
What'd you... Did you
talk tampons, huh?
Do you hate men now?
Ok, what... what...
What's happening?
I was having a great time.
I mean, I was, like,
finally hanging out
with women who didn't annoy
the crap out of me, you know?
And I was, like, totally
"on," you know?
I... I was funny
and... and... and... And...
and charming.
It sounds good...
Let me finish!
You always interrupt me!
Let me finish!
Ok.
And then... and then
they started talking
about college
reunions, you know,
then they asked me about mine,
and I said, "oh, I
didn't graduate,"
and they said, "oh, but we
thought you were a lawyer,"
and I said, "no,
I'm a secretary."
And they were, like, "oh,
it's secretaries week."
You love secretaries week.
Ok, ok. Ok. All right. Ok.
Ok, shh. It's ok.
And I'm just as
smart as they are!
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
I know you are, baby.
Ok. It's ok.
Rangers won. It's ok. Ok.
Come on, take a deep breath.
There you go. There you go. Ok?
Hey, hey, you know
what cheers me up
when I'm feeling sad?
A snack?
There you go. You
feeling better?
Not really. The milk's gone bad.
I could have been like
them, I really could have.
I could have had a... a
palm pilot, you know,
and been going to
my college reunion,
but no, I had to drop out when
my mom died to get a job.
Good goin', Carrie.
Let me tell you something
about fancy book learnings.
Y-you, little lady, got
something much better.
They call it streetsmarts.
Yeah, great.
It's true.
Like, when we're on the subway,
and some guy comes up to you asking for
money, and you pretend to be deaf.
You can't learn that
stuff in school.
Look, I'm just gonna go to bed.
I've got a full day
of coffee pouring
and phone answering ahead of me.
I want to be sharp.
Thanks for trying
to cheer me up.
You're very sweet.
Doug, wake up.
Everybody off.
It's important.
What is it?
I'm gonna go back to school.
Ok.
Doug!
What?
I'm gonna finish school,
get a diploma, and
get a better job.
I have to pee.
I have my old course
guide in the closet.
I could pick out my
entire semester tonight.
You see, I've been lying there,
going over the whole
thing in my mind,
how I screwed up my
life and everything,
and then it just hit me.
Fix it, you idiot!
Can... can we talk
about this later?
But I'm so excited. Aren't
you excited for me?
Don't hug me now!
Ah. I just did everything
possible to avoid light.
Sorry.
Me, too. I think I
splashed your bath salts.
You're really serious? You
want to go school again?
Yes. I can... I can
do this, Doug.
I know you can do
it, it's just...
So, are you gonna quit your job?
No, I'll still work.
I'll just go to school at night.
Well, when would I see you?
I'll make time.
Plus, I won't be sad anymore.
I'll be happy. You see?
Ok, so you can finish college.
Then what?
I don't know. Maybe,
uh, go to law school.
Oh, this is spinning
totally out of control.
Ok, could you try even
being a little supportive?
Well, I'm sorry,
Carrie, but you know,
you're throwing a lot
at me out of nowhere.
It's not out of nowhere.
It's always bothered me that
I didn't finish school.
Tonight, you know,
it gave me a kick in the
pants that I needed.
Get thicker pants.
Stop.
Well, what am I supposed to do
when you're at your
homecoming dances
and your pep rallies?
Hey, I'm not going
to Rydell high...
And you could take up a hobby.
How about the guitar
you made me buy?
That's still in the closet.
You can learn to play that.
That sounds like a lot
of effort on my part.
Come on, honey. Let
me go to school.
I'll wear a uniform.
Ok, fine. Go to school.
I love you, I love you.
I love you.
Mmm.
Not till the morning!
All right!
Wow. Still studying, huh?
Yep. Queens college
for knowledge, baby.
You, uh, how you doing?
Oh, I'm a little stressed.
This philosophy paper's
due Tuesday, 9:00 a.m.,
and the Professor said
"if it's not in on time,
it's fish wrap."
Well, been pretty busy myself.
Wrote a little song.
You wrote a song? Mmm-hmm.
That's good progress
in only one week.
Want to hear it?
I think I need to, yes.
All righty then, here we go.
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Arthur, Arthur,
Arthur, Arthur ♪
♪ Arthur, Arthur,
Arthur, Arthur ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie
ok, that is really good.
That is good.
I didn't get to the bridge yet.
That's ok. It gives me
something to look forward to.
Ok. Ok, then.
So, you want to go for pizza?
Honey, I can't, you know?
You know, I-I'm a little
under the gun here.
What am I supposed to do?
I don't know, play your guitar.
I already did that.
Wrote a song.
Yeah, Doug. Come on,
I am under a lot
of pressure, ok?
And I'm starting to
get a headache, so...
A headache? Sounds like a little
pizza's what you need then.
Doug, stop it! Now, come on,
you know how important
this is to me.
Ok, yeah. I also know that you promised
me that you'd make time for me.
I knew this would happen.
Ok, so I underestimated how
hard this was gonna be.
Just cut me a break here.
You're... you're not
really that upset
because I can't go
for pizza, are you?
Because you haven't gone
out for pizza in days.
I don't even know you anymore.
It's obvious I am not gonna
get any work done here,
so if you need me, I
will be at the library.
Believe me, I won't need you.
I'll be too busy here
gettin' my groove on.
Great.
♪ Doug and pizza,
Doug and pizza ♪
♪ Doug and pizza,
Doug and pizza ♪
♪ Toppings, toppings,
toppings, toppings ♪
Wow! Go away for a few years
and they totally revamp
the menu on you.
So you gonna get something?
No, I can't. I used up all
my fat points for the day.
My God! The chicken
strips sound incredible.
What... what are they,
lightly breaded?
I'll bet they're lightly
breaded, right?
Yeah, I guess they are.
What kind of dipping sauce
are we talking about?
Honey mustard.
Ah. That's so perfect.
Will you just get them already?
I can't! I'm dieting!
But if you get the wings,
I'll pick at them.
You're not gonna pick at them.
I'll come back
from the bathroom,
there'll be chicken
bones everywhere,
and you'll be huddled
in the corner, crying.
Ah!
That is so not true. I've
been very disciplined.
You know that I've lost weight,
and you haven't even
told me how good I look.
What do you want me to say?
"Hey, sis! Great ass!"
Really? Great how?
All right. I gotta get
out of here by 9:00.
I want to grab a few
minutes with Carrie
before she starts to
work on her paper.
How sad is that? I'm married
to a person who does homework.
Are you about to go on
another rant about this?
Just warn me so I can fling
myself into traffic.
Well, I'm sorry, but
it's unnatural,
you know, a grown
woman in school,
it's... it's like a
40-year-old guy with braces.
What are you... Don't
look at me like that.
What? You want to know
what I think? No.
I think you're
intimidated by it.
Ok. What'd you get stuck
on, the "n" or the "o"?
Too bad. It's true.
She wants to finish college,
and you are petrified
that it means she'll
leave you behind.
What? Ok, first of
all, I'm a teamster.
I don't petrify.
Second of all, that's the
stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Fine.
And what if I was
afraid of that, huh?
No, really. Think about it.
She... she... she aces
this class, right?
Finishes college, goes to law school.
Where does that leave us?
At dinner she tells me
about the guy she saved
from the electric
chair and I'm like,
"oh, yeah? Really? I just got
a new beaded truck seat."
You know, instead of thinking
about yourself for 5 minutes,
why don't you start
thinking about her?
You know, all she's trying to do
is... is accomplish something
to feel better about her life.
Instead of bitching, maybe
you could throw her
a little support, hmm?
You're fat.
What I'm saying is
I think Plato's careful
organization of his dialogues
is only one of a lot
of devices he used
to make his point.
You mean, like, even the setting
and... and the names
of the characters
is a deliberate choice he made?
Absolutely!
Come on, car!
You can only sit here with
this dumb smile on your face
for so long.
Say something halfway
intelligent here.
Problem is, Plato took
great care not to leave
any obvious tracks of the
plans of his dialogues.
Right?
Totally.
That's true. That is why...
Ugh! I'm such an idiot!
Come on, Carrie, you're letting
miss perky breasts
here show you up.
Look at her, with
her perky breasts!
Think of something smart to say.
A very tricky fellow...
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
Oh, my God! Not now! Not
this damned song now!
Focus.
You must have one good thing
to say about this Plato guy.
You've been reading
about him for 2 weeks.
Of course, that's with
working 10 hours a day.
And trying to care for my dad,
and trying to keep
my marriage intact.
I'll bet perky breasts doesn't
have to deal with any of that.
Or scraggle beard.
Perky breasts and
scraggle beard.
Sounds like a new cop show.
Help, scraggle beard. I'm hit.
What do you think, Carrie?
Um, I can't help but
wonder, you know,
was Plato really a
student of socrates
or was he, in many ways, a
student of himself, hmm?
Yeah. We just wanted to know
if you were in the
mood for Chinese.
Totally.
Oh, hi! You're home. Good.
Listen. We need to talk.
Yes. We d-definitely
need to talk.
I don't want school to
come between us anymore.
I... I know. I know. Me, neither.
This is great.
Good! That's why I
decided I'm gonna quit!
Quit? Yes!
Doug, you don't like
me being there,
it's making us argue, so that's it!
I'm gone.
I was just gonna say that
you should stay in school
and that I should
be more supportive.
I had a little speech planned
that was gonna lead
to great make-up sex.
You're ruining it!
Doug! No, no, no! You
got it backwards.
You see, I got caught up
in this whole
stupid school thing
that I wasn't being
supportive of you.
Like with that great
"Doug and Carrie" song,
which, by the way,
is growing on me
like nobody's business.
So, you're doing this for me?
Yes. Turn up your miracle ear, corky.
For you.
I don't want you
to do it for me.
Well, too bad! I'm
doing it for you!
Well, then don't do it!
I am doing it. You have
no say in the matter!
Why are you fighting me on this?
Because I can't read!
I mean, I can read. Not that.
It's just that I
don't understand
what the hell I'm reading.
Why not?
'Cause, I cannot wrap my brain
around all this, you know?
It's like, I'm supposed to
turn in a 10-page paper
on the allegory of the cave,
and I'm still struggling
with the concept
of 2 darrins on bewitched.
That's it. I... I thought
I was smart enough,
but I'm not.
That's crazy, Carrie!
You are smart.
Oh, you're just saying that
'cause you're married to me.
Hey! I wouldn't have married you in the
first place if you weren't so smart.
Really?
Actually, I probably would have.
I was pretty horny then.
Come on! You can't quit now!
Yes, I can!
No, you can't! Now, come on!
We're going back to the library,
and we're gonna stay as long as it
takes for you to write the paper
we both know you can write.
And if that doesn't work,
we'll just buy one
on the Internet.
Just remember, I'm here for you.
Your job is to
work on the paper.
I take care of all else.
Food, waste, et cetera.
Ok, but I'll take care
of my own waste, though.
It's your call.
Oh, man! There's a woman
on the microfilm machine,
and it's the only one, too.
Ok, you see? This is where
having a manager pays off.
Now, you just go sharpen your
pencil, and I'll take care of her.
Mmm, wow. God bless America.
Tuna in a vending machine.
What's next, hovercrafts?
You still on this? You
gonna be on this long?
Yes. I-I've quite a
bit of work to do.
Ah, gotcha!
No problem. I'll wait.
Mmm, wow, dinosaurs.
Interesting stuff.
Tyrannosaurus Rex, man. Whoo!
He's a big fella.
Betcha he had a nice
size ding-a-ling, huh?
Too bad his arms were too short
to get a go at it though, right?
Strainin'!
I-I-I've got to go.
Ok. You have a nice day now, ok?
All right.
Carrie! Carrie!
Plato!
Come on. You can't sleep now.
What are you doing?
Oh! Where did you go?
I went home to get ready for work.
Did you finish the paper?
Uh, well, let me see.
"Plato was a wrgn frtta..."
Oh, my God! My head must
have fallen on the keyboard.
Look. Slap a period on it,
and let's blow this clam bake.
Come on! It's due in... Oh, my God!
10 minutes!
Doug, I still have
to print it out,
and his office is all the way
on the other side of campus.
We'll never make it.
Yes, we will! No, we won't!
Hey! You listen to me, missy!
I may not be good at much in this
life, but I am good at one thing:
Getting packages to where they're
going on time, every time.
Overnight service available
in the continental United States.
No Sunday delivery.
For more information, go to
w.W.W dot I.P.S dot net.
I had coffee.
♪ Cinderella dressed in yellow ♪
♪ Went upstairs to kiss
a fellow, then the... ♪
Come on!
Ok!
We're gonna make it, aren't we?
Yeah! We gotta hurry!
Oh, my God! Are you all right?
I was fine until the
phone landed on me.
Go! Just go!
Oh, boy.
Ok, everyone.
Um, most of you know
me as beer-drinking,
dart-playing,
slightly-mysterious Doug.
Tonight, meet thoughtful-poet-
with-a-message Doug.
Whatever.
Aw, screw y'all.
This one I'm dedicatin' to my...
my baby
who proved that not
only does she have
the looks in this relationship,
but she's also got the brains
by acing her college
paper with a c-minus.
No, no, no. The wings are hers.
But, uh, she needs
dipping sauce.
All right, car, this
one is for you.
It's called love will
keep us together.
♪ Love
♪ love will keep us
♪ togeth...
♪ Toget... toget...
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie!
Yeah, hello?
Hey, it's me, Steph.
Are you ok?
Yeah, I just, uh,
ran for the phone.
Oh, well, you'll be glad you
did, 'cause guess what?
Are you sure you're all right?
No, no. Let's give
it another minute
before we panic.
Well, assuming you don't drop,
how would you like to
go with me tonight
to the ranger game?
You got tickets?
Hey, I'm in the sports biz.
You teach gym.
Do you want to go or not?
I want to go, but I... I can't.
I promised Carrie we'd
rent a movie tonight.
Come on. I've only been
back in town a month,
and we've hardly
seen each other.
Don't you want to do a little
brother-sister bonding?
Where are the seats?
They're in the garden.
That's all you need to know.
No, I... I can't. I can't.
I... I blew Carrie off the
last few movie nights.
This one could
impact my sex life.
I mean, I'll get the basics,
but, no extras.
Hold on a second. I'm
getting another call.
Yeah, hello?
Hey, hon, it's me.
Um, big favor.
You know Laura-Beth, that
lawyer I'm friendly with?
Yeah.
Well, she invited
me out to dinner
with her and, um, a
couple of her friends,
and I just wanted to know if it
was ok if I missed movie night.
Well, I already rented
Girl, Interrupted.
I... I got it right here.
Oh, come on, hon. I
really want to go.
You know, girls' night out.
I could make some new friends,
or just friends, period.
Go, go. Have... have fun.
Oh, really? You're the best, honey.
I love you.
Ok, are we through? 'Cause
I'm on the other line.
All right. I'll see you
around 10:00. Bye.
Good news. Carrie's going
out with some lesbians.
♪ Happy Birthday, dear Lisa
♪ Happy Birthday to you
yay, thank you.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Lovely voices. All
of you, really.
I hope you all die.
Ah.
Especially you. You're new.
You should be nicer.
Yeah, yeah. Too much peer pressure.
I caved.
Yeah, you did. Clearly.
Don't be like that
on your birthday.
It is not my birthday!
Shh. They'll make us
pay for the cake.
All right, I give up.
Happy 27th to me.
There you go.
27? I'm sorry, did
you sleep through
your last 5 birthdays?
Well, I wouldn't mind
jumping ahead a few years.
Then I wouldn't have to go to
my barnard reunion next week.
You're going to a
reunion next week,
and you're eating fudge cake?
Gutsy. I like that.
I can't wait to go to
my college reunion.
Well, really. I... I just made
partner, I just got married,
and I could crack a
walnut with my ass.
It's the right time
for a reunion, baby!
Or a bad time if
you're a walnut.
Carrie, have you gone
to your reunion yet?
Oh, uh, actually, I... I
didn't graduate. So...
What? No, wait, I, uh, I
thought you were a lawyer.
Me? No, no, no. I'm a secretary.
Like, the best
secretary at the firm.
Oh, thank you.
Oh. Oh. Wow.
Cool. Yeah, hey,
and I hear secretaries
week is coming up soon,
so that will be good, right?
Oh, my God, I totally
forgot to tell you...
Hey. Hey, funny thing.
Right after you called,
Stephanie called
with ranger tickets.
Huh? Whoo. Talk
about meant to be.
I mean, I know we're
all God's children,
but sometimes I think he
likes me extra special.
So, how was ladies
night out, huh?
What'd you... Did you
talk tampons, huh?
Do you hate men now?
Ok, what... what...
What's happening?
I was having a great time.
I mean, I was, like,
finally hanging out
with women who didn't annoy
the crap out of me, you know?
And I was, like, totally
"on," you know?
I... I was funny
and... and... and... And...
and charming.
It sounds good...
Let me finish!
You always interrupt me!
Let me finish!
Ok.
And then... and then
they started talking
about college
reunions, you know,
then they asked me about mine,
and I said, "oh, I
didn't graduate,"
and they said, "oh, but we
thought you were a lawyer,"
and I said, "no,
I'm a secretary."
And they were, like, "oh,
it's secretaries week."
You love secretaries week.
Ok, ok. Ok. All right. Ok.
Ok, shh. It's ok.
And I'm just as
smart as they are!
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
I know you are, baby.
Ok. It's ok.
Rangers won. It's ok. Ok.
Come on, take a deep breath.
There you go. There you go. Ok?
Hey, hey, you know
what cheers me up
when I'm feeling sad?
A snack?
There you go. You
feeling better?
Not really. The milk's gone bad.
I could have been like
them, I really could have.
I could have had a... a
palm pilot, you know,
and been going to
my college reunion,
but no, I had to drop out when
my mom died to get a job.
Good goin', Carrie.
Let me tell you something
about fancy book learnings.
Y-you, little lady, got
something much better.
They call it streetsmarts.
Yeah, great.
It's true.
Like, when we're on the subway,
and some guy comes up to you asking for
money, and you pretend to be deaf.
You can't learn that
stuff in school.
Look, I'm just gonna go to bed.
I've got a full day
of coffee pouring
and phone answering ahead of me.
I want to be sharp.
Thanks for trying
to cheer me up.
You're very sweet.
Doug, wake up.
Everybody off.
It's important.
What is it?
I'm gonna go back to school.
Ok.
Doug!
What?
I'm gonna finish school,
get a diploma, and
get a better job.
I have to pee.
I have my old course
guide in the closet.
I could pick out my
entire semester tonight.
You see, I've been lying there,
going over the whole
thing in my mind,
how I screwed up my
life and everything,
and then it just hit me.
Fix it, you idiot!
Can... can we talk
about this later?
But I'm so excited. Aren't
you excited for me?
Don't hug me now!
Ah. I just did everything
possible to avoid light.
Sorry.
Me, too. I think I
splashed your bath salts.
You're really serious? You
want to go school again?
Yes. I can... I can
do this, Doug.
I know you can do
it, it's just...
So, are you gonna quit your job?
No, I'll still work.
I'll just go to school at night.
Well, when would I see you?
I'll make time.
Plus, I won't be sad anymore.
I'll be happy. You see?
Ok, so you can finish college.
Then what?
I don't know. Maybe,
uh, go to law school.
Oh, this is spinning
totally out of control.
Ok, could you try even
being a little supportive?
Well, I'm sorry,
Carrie, but you know,
you're throwing a lot
at me out of nowhere.
It's not out of nowhere.
It's always bothered me that
I didn't finish school.
Tonight, you know,
it gave me a kick in the
pants that I needed.
Get thicker pants.
Stop.
Well, what am I supposed to do
when you're at your
homecoming dances
and your pep rallies?
Hey, I'm not going
to Rydell high...
And you could take up a hobby.
How about the guitar
you made me buy?
That's still in the closet.
You can learn to play that.
That sounds like a lot
of effort on my part.
Come on, honey. Let
me go to school.
I'll wear a uniform.
Ok, fine. Go to school.
I love you, I love you.
I love you.
Mmm.
Not till the morning!
All right!
Wow. Still studying, huh?
Yep. Queens college
for knowledge, baby.
You, uh, how you doing?
Oh, I'm a little stressed.
This philosophy paper's
due Tuesday, 9:00 a.m.,
and the Professor said
"if it's not in on time,
it's fish wrap."
Well, been pretty busy myself.
Wrote a little song.
You wrote a song? Mmm-hmm.
That's good progress
in only one week.
Want to hear it?
I think I need to, yes.
All righty then, here we go.
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Arthur, Arthur,
Arthur, Arthur ♪
♪ Arthur, Arthur,
Arthur, Arthur ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie
ok, that is really good.
That is good.
I didn't get to the bridge yet.
That's ok. It gives me
something to look forward to.
Ok. Ok, then.
So, you want to go for pizza?
Honey, I can't, you know?
You know, I-I'm a little
under the gun here.
What am I supposed to do?
I don't know, play your guitar.
I already did that.
Wrote a song.
Yeah, Doug. Come on,
I am under a lot
of pressure, ok?
And I'm starting to
get a headache, so...
A headache? Sounds like a little
pizza's what you need then.
Doug, stop it! Now, come on,
you know how important
this is to me.
Ok, yeah. I also know that you promised
me that you'd make time for me.
I knew this would happen.
Ok, so I underestimated how
hard this was gonna be.
Just cut me a break here.
You're... you're not
really that upset
because I can't go
for pizza, are you?
Because you haven't gone
out for pizza in days.
I don't even know you anymore.
It's obvious I am not gonna
get any work done here,
so if you need me, I
will be at the library.
Believe me, I won't need you.
I'll be too busy here
gettin' my groove on.
Great.
♪ Doug and pizza,
Doug and pizza ♪
♪ Doug and pizza,
Doug and pizza ♪
♪ Toppings, toppings,
toppings, toppings ♪
Wow! Go away for a few years
and they totally revamp
the menu on you.
So you gonna get something?
No, I can't. I used up all
my fat points for the day.
My God! The chicken
strips sound incredible.
What... what are they,
lightly breaded?
I'll bet they're lightly
breaded, right?
Yeah, I guess they are.
What kind of dipping sauce
are we talking about?
Honey mustard.
Ah. That's so perfect.
Will you just get them already?
I can't! I'm dieting!
But if you get the wings,
I'll pick at them.
You're not gonna pick at them.
I'll come back
from the bathroom,
there'll be chicken
bones everywhere,
and you'll be huddled
in the corner, crying.
Ah!
That is so not true. I've
been very disciplined.
You know that I've lost weight,
and you haven't even
told me how good I look.
What do you want me to say?
"Hey, sis! Great ass!"
Really? Great how?
All right. I gotta get
out of here by 9:00.
I want to grab a few
minutes with Carrie
before she starts to
work on her paper.
How sad is that? I'm married
to a person who does homework.
Are you about to go on
another rant about this?
Just warn me so I can fling
myself into traffic.
Well, I'm sorry, but
it's unnatural,
you know, a grown
woman in school,
it's... it's like a
40-year-old guy with braces.
What are you... Don't
look at me like that.
What? You want to know
what I think? No.
I think you're
intimidated by it.
Ok. What'd you get stuck
on, the "n" or the "o"?
Too bad. It's true.
She wants to finish college,
and you are petrified
that it means she'll
leave you behind.
What? Ok, first of
all, I'm a teamster.
I don't petrify.
Second of all, that's the
stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Fine.
And what if I was
afraid of that, huh?
No, really. Think about it.
She... she... she aces
this class, right?
Finishes college, goes to law school.
Where does that leave us?
At dinner she tells me
about the guy she saved
from the electric
chair and I'm like,
"oh, yeah? Really? I just got
a new beaded truck seat."
You know, instead of thinking
about yourself for 5 minutes,
why don't you start
thinking about her?
You know, all she's trying to do
is... is accomplish something
to feel better about her life.
Instead of bitching, maybe
you could throw her
a little support, hmm?
You're fat.
What I'm saying is
I think Plato's careful
organization of his dialogues
is only one of a lot
of devices he used
to make his point.
You mean, like, even the setting
and... and the names
of the characters
is a deliberate choice he made?
Absolutely!
Come on, car!
You can only sit here with
this dumb smile on your face
for so long.
Say something halfway
intelligent here.
Problem is, Plato took
great care not to leave
any obvious tracks of the
plans of his dialogues.
Right?
Totally.
That's true. That is why...
Ugh! I'm such an idiot!
Come on, Carrie, you're letting
miss perky breasts
here show you up.
Look at her, with
her perky breasts!
Think of something smart to say.
A very tricky fellow...
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
Oh, my God! Not now! Not
this damned song now!
Focus.
You must have one good thing
to say about this Plato guy.
You've been reading
about him for 2 weeks.
Of course, that's with
working 10 hours a day.
And trying to care for my dad,
and trying to keep
my marriage intact.
I'll bet perky breasts doesn't
have to deal with any of that.
Or scraggle beard.
Perky breasts and
scraggle beard.
Sounds like a new cop show.
Help, scraggle beard. I'm hit.
What do you think, Carrie?
Um, I can't help but
wonder, you know,
was Plato really a
student of socrates
or was he, in many ways, a
student of himself, hmm?
Yeah. We just wanted to know
if you were in the
mood for Chinese.
Totally.
Oh, hi! You're home. Good.
Listen. We need to talk.
Yes. We d-definitely
need to talk.
I don't want school to
come between us anymore.
I... I know. I know. Me, neither.
This is great.
Good! That's why I
decided I'm gonna quit!
Quit? Yes!
Doug, you don't like
me being there,
it's making us argue, so that's it!
I'm gone.
I was just gonna say that
you should stay in school
and that I should
be more supportive.
I had a little speech planned
that was gonna lead
to great make-up sex.
You're ruining it!
Doug! No, no, no! You
got it backwards.
You see, I got caught up
in this whole
stupid school thing
that I wasn't being
supportive of you.
Like with that great
"Doug and Carrie" song,
which, by the way,
is growing on me
like nobody's business.
So, you're doing this for me?
Yes. Turn up your miracle ear, corky.
For you.
I don't want you
to do it for me.
Well, too bad! I'm
doing it for you!
Well, then don't do it!
I am doing it. You have
no say in the matter!
Why are you fighting me on this?
Because I can't read!
I mean, I can read. Not that.
It's just that I
don't understand
what the hell I'm reading.
Why not?
'Cause, I cannot wrap my brain
around all this, you know?
It's like, I'm supposed to
turn in a 10-page paper
on the allegory of the cave,
and I'm still struggling
with the concept
of 2 darrins on bewitched.
That's it. I... I thought
I was smart enough,
but I'm not.
That's crazy, Carrie!
You are smart.
Oh, you're just saying that
'cause you're married to me.
Hey! I wouldn't have married you in the
first place if you weren't so smart.
Really?
Actually, I probably would have.
I was pretty horny then.
Come on! You can't quit now!
Yes, I can!
No, you can't! Now, come on!
We're going back to the library,
and we're gonna stay as long as it
takes for you to write the paper
we both know you can write.
And if that doesn't work,
we'll just buy one
on the Internet.
Just remember, I'm here for you.
Your job is to
work on the paper.
I take care of all else.
Food, waste, et cetera.
Ok, but I'll take care
of my own waste, though.
It's your call.
Oh, man! There's a woman
on the microfilm machine,
and it's the only one, too.
Ok, you see? This is where
having a manager pays off.
Now, you just go sharpen your
pencil, and I'll take care of her.
Mmm, wow. God bless America.
Tuna in a vending machine.
What's next, hovercrafts?
You still on this? You
gonna be on this long?
Yes. I-I've quite a
bit of work to do.
Ah, gotcha!
No problem. I'll wait.
Mmm, wow, dinosaurs.
Interesting stuff.
Tyrannosaurus Rex, man. Whoo!
He's a big fella.
Betcha he had a nice
size ding-a-ling, huh?
Too bad his arms were too short
to get a go at it though, right?
Strainin'!
I-I-I've got to go.
Ok. You have a nice day now, ok?
All right.
Carrie! Carrie!
Plato!
Come on. You can't sleep now.
What are you doing?
Oh! Where did you go?
I went home to get ready for work.
Did you finish the paper?
Uh, well, let me see.
"Plato was a wrgn frtta..."
Oh, my God! My head must
have fallen on the keyboard.
Look. Slap a period on it,
and let's blow this clam bake.
Come on! It's due in... Oh, my God!
10 minutes!
Doug, I still have
to print it out,
and his office is all the way
on the other side of campus.
We'll never make it.
Yes, we will! No, we won't!
Hey! You listen to me, missy!
I may not be good at much in this
life, but I am good at one thing:
Getting packages to where they're
going on time, every time.
Overnight service available
in the continental United States.
No Sunday delivery.
For more information, go to
w.W.W dot I.P.S dot net.
I had coffee.
♪ Cinderella dressed in yellow ♪
♪ Went upstairs to kiss
a fellow, then the... ♪
Come on!
Ok!
We're gonna make it, aren't we?
Yeah! We gotta hurry!
Oh, my God! Are you all right?
I was fine until the
phone landed on me.
Go! Just go!
Oh, boy.
Ok, everyone.
Um, most of you know
me as beer-drinking,
dart-playing,
slightly-mysterious Doug.
Tonight, meet thoughtful-poet-
with-a-message Doug.
Whatever.
Aw, screw y'all.
This one I'm dedicatin' to my...
my baby
who proved that not
only does she have
the looks in this relationship,
but she's also got the brains
by acing her college
paper with a c-minus.
No, no, no. The wings are hers.
But, uh, she needs
dipping sauce.
All right, car, this
one is for you.
It's called love will
keep us together.
♪ Love
♪ love will keep us
♪ togeth...
♪ Toget... toget...
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie,
Doug and Carrie ♪
♪ Doug and Carrie!