The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 5 - Strike One - full transcript

Wow. These Chef Ming people really
know their way around a wok.

They should change the name
of this dish to egg foo yum.

They were on their game tonight.

I'm telling you, you should
have tried the pu-pu platter.

I'm sorry, the what platter?

Pu-pu.

Whoo!

How do you think that's funny
and still hold down a job?

I'm complicated.

I would love some dessert.

I gotta have some sweet.



Yeah, me, too.

All we got are these
fortune cookies.

Boy, the Chinese really
dropped the ball

when it came to the
desserts, huh?

I know, it's like, "why?"

You... you can't jam a piece of
fortune into a piece of fudge cake?"

Oh, you know what I can
totally go for right now?

That new frozie fudge
blast from quicky burger.

What are you doing?

My baby wants a
frozie fudge blast,

my baby's gettin' a
frozie fudge blast.

No, no, no, no, forget it.
It's 10:00 already.

And you're in your
bad underwear.

That's all right. I'll just
hit the drive through.



Is it inconvenient? Sure,

but being married means
sometimes doing things

that you don't want to do.

I hope you'll keep that in mind

during our no-no time later.

♪

Fudge.

♪ Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh ♪

♪ Uh, uh, uh

fudge.

Welcome to quicky burger.
May I take your order?

Yeah, 2 frozie fudge blasts.

Will that be all?

Yeah, I think that'll, uh...

Ah, who we kidding?
Throw in a number 4.

Anything else?

Uh, does the number 4
have quicky curlies?

No, the number 3 does.

All right, then I'll
take a number 3.

So cancel the 4 and
substitute a 3?

When did you hear the word
"cancel?" Give me both.

May I bucket size you
for an extra 70 cents?

My man, I like the
cut of your jib.

Yes, bucket size me.

That's $12.44. Pull
to the front window.

Gotcha.

Ok, you're not starting.

Come on. Don't... don't do this now.
Don't do this.

You're doing it. You're doing it.
You're doing it.

You son of a mother!

Sir, you're gonna have
to pull forward now.

Yeah, I just got a little
problem here, ok? One sec.

Hey, foxy, nice legs!

Thank you.

Ok, first things first.

The front of the
engine gets very hot!

Sir, please pull
your car forward.

Ok, guy, you just gotta
give me a second.

You're holding up my line,
and I'm gonna need you

to please pull your car forward.

Ok, I... I know that,
and I'm gonna need you

to stop saying that, ok?
Now shut it.

You shut it.

What?

Please pull your car forward.

You know what? Do me a favor.

Say it one more time.
I dare you.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Please pull your car forward.

You know what? That's it.

Huh? You don't like it?

How about that, huh?
One more time, huh?

That's all you got, lady?

No, I got a lot more! Ah!

Ooh, that felt good.

Oh, yeah?

Did a feather just land on me?

Please pull your car forward,

please pull your car forward,

please pull your car forward,

please pull your car forward!

Shut up!

Unbelievable.

Here you are. What happened?
I was worried.

What happened?

Our piece of crap car broke down

right in the middle of the crappety,
crappety crap-crap thing.

I had to call Spence
come pick me up.

Hey, Carrie. You look good.

Are you ok?

I'm fine, just that our
desserts are totally melting.

You might as well
just throw 'em out.

Yeah, well, don't throw 'em out.

I never realized how damn
smooth your legs are.

Ok, Norman, time to calm down.

I swear, I'm through
with that car.

Let's just get rid of
it and get a new one.

Doug, come on. We've been
through this before.

We cannot get a new
car right now.

Besides, you...

You can't just sell the old car.

It's got too much
of our lives in it.

I mean, going to palisades park,

getting chased by bikers,

and, uh, I watched you make out

with sue mazetsky in that car.

Where were you?

I... the point is
you can't just dump

a big piece of our history.

I'll buy the car before
I'll let that happen.

Spence, forget it.

Nobody's buying anything, because
we are not getting rid of it.

Why not?

Because... Doug, your
union is in the middle

of contract negotiations.

So?

So, you don't know how
it's gonna come out.

We cannot afford
it right now, ok?

I guess.

Listen, we've waited this long,

we'll just tape the old
car back together,

it'll be good as new.

And just in case, let's drive

with some pants on
for a while, ok?

Ok. All right.

Well, my work is done.
I'm outta here.

All right, well, thanks, Spence.

Yeah, thanks again, man.

Oh, hey, don't worry about it.
You're my bud.

So, what do you say

we take those desserts
up to the bedroom

and make a little mess?

I don't need desserts to
make a mess in the bedroom.

Well, come on, you big slob.

Oh, you so nasty!

Yeah.

Spence, go home!

All right. Take care.

♪ If a great car's
what you want ♪

♪ Then look no more

♪ just have a beer

♪ 'cause we're all parked right
here in our auto store ♪

♪ I see them here

♪ and we're slashing all
our prices to the bone ♪

♪ Yeah, we said bone

♪ so get your wife or
hubby on the phone ♪

♪ Hope they're alone

♪ and if you're
ready to step up ♪

♪ To a new car, van, or truck ♪

♪ Then you'll love
October-palooza ♪

♪ Where a good deal's
what we'll do's ya ♪

Hey, guy. Got a few boxes
of brochures for you.

Oh, finally!

You just gotta sign right here.

What you got? Some
kind of sale going on?

Actually, it's an
October palooza.

Oh, palooza! What's
with that dealie?

Oh, anybody who buys a truck

has 30 seconds to grab as many
dollar bills as they can.

Man! That could not
look more humiliating,

and I'm a grown man who has
to wear shorts for a living.

Wow! Now that is a ride!

Uh-huh. Car of the year.

Looks great in silver, too.

Yeah. 8 cylinders, 240 horses,

16-inch wheels, and a winch.

You do a lot of towing, Doug?

I can't, not with
the car we have,

although there are a lot of
things I wish I could tow.

Are you in the market
for a new car?

Well, sort of, but my wife thinks
we should wait a few weeks.

We're not quite ready yet.

Yeah. Well, wifey knows best.
You gotta be ready.

Better to pay a little more
and have your peace of mind.

What? It's gonna cost
more in a few weeks?

Well, it's not a
November palooza.

Am I right?

Ok!

Wh...

How much more?

Well, it's hard to say.
Maybe a couple g's.

That's if we still have it.

This is the last
all-silver 4 by 4

with the towing
package and roof rack

on the whole east coast.

The last one, huh?

Mmm-hmm, but I don't think
it's gonna last long.

I hear Danny aiello's people

are heading down right now
to take a look at it.

Danny aiello?

Mmm.

Look. I just got an
update from the union,

and as your shop steward,

I've been asked to make the
following announcements.

As of 4:18 P.M.,

negotiations
officially broke down,

with no new talks scheduled.

Anybody seen Heffernan?

Hey, is the new car smell
included, or what?

They said "no" to the
vesting proposal,

"no" to the overtime proposal...

"Yes" to the fog lights!

"Yes" to the Mountain package!

And they refuse to sign off

on any expanded
medical benefits.

Tighten your belt, people.

As of the end of work
today, we're on strike.

♪ The bloom from my
wild Irish rose ♪

♪ My dear red rose

Ok. I heard everything you said,

as have the neighbors.

Now, let me respond.

Given the strike,

this was clearly
not the best day

for us to buy a new car.

Now, I know the word "us"

is a hot-button issue right now.

I should have kept
you in the loop,

and, yes, my genitals
should be put

in some sort of vise,

but that aside, this is
a blessing in disguise!

Look. We needed a new car.
Got one.

P.S., leased under
very favorable

palooza conditions.

Now, in closing, I love you.

I am now available
to make love to you,

and it is my great hope
that you will join me.

We're returning the car.

Really? Why would you
want to do that?

Did you show her the
roof rack, Doug?

Yeah. She pushed
my head into it.

Look. It... it's nothing
against the truck.

The truck is gorgeous.

I mean it's, uh, what... what
do you guys say? Cherry?

Because it is cherry.

You know what else it is?

It's mint. Hey! Mint cherry!

Let's go for some ice cream!

But, seriously,

uh, Marty? Marty, Marty, Marty.

Uh, unfortunately,
my husband's union

went on strike today,

so we're gonna have to return it

because the payments are a bit
too much for us right now.

Got the receipt right here,

so, is there a cashier's
window I go to?

Bursar's office? What? No, I...

No. I don't want to be the
bad guy here, but I'm sorry.

I couldn't possibly
take the car back now.

Once those tires hit the pavement,
it depreciates big time.

Is, uh, Danny aiello
still interested, or...

Mmm, no.

Oh, come on. Come on. Be...
be reasonable here.

I mean, it's only
got 18 Miles on it.

That's what? A couple
of test drives.

And I only used the winch twice.

Look. I tell you what.

I can't take the car back,
but come back tomorrow,

I'll put you in the dollar
booth, I'll cheat the timer,

give you a few extra
seconds, huh?

And here's a tip.
Lick your arms.

The bills'll stick to
you better that way.

He's not getting
in that booth, ok?

He's, uh, he's afraid
of small spaces.

I can't even use the
bathroom on an airplane.

That's why we can't
go to Hawaii.

Ok. Sweetie, why... why
don't you let me talk

to this nice man alone? Ok.

All right, babe.

Listen. I'm gonna, um, lay
my cards on the table here.

My husband was in an
industrial accident.

Luckily, he doesn't remember it,

but, bottom line is,

I don't think he's
even legally allowed

to buy a car anymore.

You know, he only,
uh, can count to 8.

Good luck with that.

You know what? You
are way overreacting

to this situation.

How am I overreacting?

Ok. First of all, I didn't
even buy the car, ok?

I... I only leased it.

It's the same thing.

No, it isn't. It is.

No, it isn't! Ok. All right.

Tell me the difference.

Ok. Well, when one
buys a car, per se,

if you will...

One owns it, whereas
when one leases a car,

one owns it, but you
gotta give it back.

Do me a favor. Count to 9.

This whole conversation
is pointless,

'cause the strike's gonna end
in a week, 2 weeks tops.

How do you know that, Doug?

'Cause I'm in the union.

Ok, union man. What
are the issues?

Do you even know what they are?

Yes. Ok.

Name one issue.

Vesting. Vesting
is a huge issue.

You should see all the people.

They're like, "hey! What
is with this vesting?"

Vesting meaning what?

Vesting! To vest! To be vested!

I don't know how much clearer I
can make this. I really don't.

The point is, it's
very important,

and the company is gonna
eventually cave in on it.

Doug, how do you know
they're gonna cave, huh?

What if this thing drags
on for a month, 2 months.

It can't drag on. You've
seen our commercial.

"I.P.S. Delivers the globe."

Who else is gonna deliver
the globe if we don't, huh?

Fed ex?

Tight operation.

Yes, it is.

Look, Carrie. The strike
is gonna end, ok?

And we're gonna be
fine in the meantime.

Spence is gonna buy the old car.

That's... that's
$200 right there.

You can pick up some overtime,

and I... I can do stuff
around the house,

save us some money there.

I guess.

Come on. Don't...
don't be mad at me.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Did you leave
the puppy gate open?

Don't.

No, I think you left
the puppy gate open.

Doug, don't do the puppy thing.

The puppy's comin',
you cannot stop him.

Don't! Stop!

Get off! Get off of me. Stop it.

Oh, God, the puppy likes you.

Oh, yeah, rub his belly.

No! Rub his belly!

Rub his belly. All right!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, oh, yeah.

Oh, that's the spot, yes.

Ok, now, if she stalls
out, don't panic.

Just throw it back into neutral,

step on the gas, pop
her into first.

She'll lurch pretty violently,
but you're back in business.

Gotcha.

Now, once in a rare while,
instead of stalling,

the damn thing will take off
like a frickin' rocket.

Ok, just pop it
back into neutral,

blast the heat, and pull
up the emergency break.

It's as good as done.

And the odor you know about,

so that should just about do it.

Oh, wow. I can't believe
she's actually mine.

You sure you want to do this?

Absolutely. Ok.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

I got a bumper sticker.

"Just give me my coffee
and no one gets hurt."

I... I don't get it. You want
other drivers to give you coffee?

You're over-thinking it.
It's just funny.

Oh, ah, coffee, coffee, yeah.

Uh, hey, I'll call
you later, buddy.

All right, buddy.

Hey, there she is.
Overtime girl.

Miss time-and-a-half.

How was your day?

Jam-packed with
the usual misery,

only now it lasts 11
hours instead of 8.

Great.

So, you're ironing, huh?

That I am.

Just thought I'd save us a little
money on our dry-cleaning bill.

Plus, bonus, I get to
fondle your delicates.

So, is this the done pile
or the not done pile?

Huh. Oy.

I'm so hot from the subway,

I'm just gonna go
take a cool shower.

Uh-oh.

Doug!

What is going on here?

Well, you know how
you said you wanted

to rip out the old shower tile.

Yeah, I did, only in my plan,

I would've replaced
it with new tile.

I intend to. They just didn't
have the right color in stock.

And you couldn't have checked
that before you ripped this out?

I could have, but in my defense,

I didn't.

Come on, Carrie. I'm just trying
to save us some money here.

I'll get it done tomorrow.

Ok. In the meanwhile,

I'll walk around smelling
like the "f" train.

Well, hey, how about this?

You go downstairs, I'll wash you
in the sink like a little baby.

Better yet. Throw
on a white t-shirt.

I'll blast you with
the hose, huh?

Always a crowd pleaser.

No, thanks.

I'm just going to
go watch some T.V.

Uh-oh.

Doug, why is h.B.O.
All squiggly?

I canceled it.

You canceled h.B.O.?

Yes, I did.

That's 12 bucks more a
month in our pocketbook.

Well, why didn't you cancel your
stupid gold sports package?

I couldn't. It came
with a free t-shirt.

I don't even know how
that would work.

Why does it seem like you're
the one who bought the truck

and I'm the only one suffering?

What do you mean the only one?

I lost arliss. You don't
think that stings?

I don't know how many times
I can say it, Carrie.

I'm sorry. I got us
in over our heads.

But you know what? Yelling
at me is not gonna help.

It's all I have.

Try to remember, this isn't
easy on me, either, all right?

I have no job!

I'm on that damn picket
line 6 hours a day

in the blazing sun,
and you know what?

Everyday I die a little
bit more inside.

All right, if you
want double cheese,

now's the time to say it!

My man, you are
ingenious on the grill.

Oh, you are too kind.

You up for a little frisbee?

Hey, if you throw it at me,

what, I'm not going to catch it?

You like frisbee, you're
killer on the grill,

if Kelly ever goes down, I just
might have to make you my woman.

I'd like that very much.

All right.

Oh, no.

Thank God you're here. Hey.

What's up, man?

The car broke down
on Austin street.

I don't remember what you said.

W-what do I do when the steering
wheel only turns to the right?

Oh, you know what? It sounds like
you're losing power steering fluid.

All right, here's
what you got to do.

Get power steering fluid.

Ok, gotcha.

Oh, uh, uh, Doug, did
you cash my check yet?

Yeah.

All righty.

Doug?

Hey! What are you...
what are you doing here?

I thought I'd pick you
up on my way home.

What's going on here?

Nothin'. We're just...
You know, picketing.

Doug, honey, baby, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna level with you here.
Um...

I came by because I kind of
felt bad about yesterday,

and I wanted to support you.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, let me finish.

And now I just want to
lash out and hurt you.

Come on! I have to be
down here picketing.

It's a union rule!

All this other
crap is just a way

to get our minds off this
thing that's hangin' over us.

I mean, believe me. Everybody
else here is pretty freaked.

Yeah! You see that?

I skipped that sucker!

I'm going pro.

He's so in denial.

What'd you do that for?

Because you're tan and
barbecuing with all your friends

while I'm stuck in an
office for 12 hours

with a weird copy guy who keeps
wanting to show me his poems.

Honey, what do you want from me?

I have to be down here.
I told you.

What is going to make you
feel better about this?

Just tell me and I-I'll do it.

You gotta lick your arms, baby!

So I guess I just got crazy

and, um, I'm sorry. Ok?

Come on. Talk to me.

I just don't like being hit.

I know! I know. That
was so wrong of me.

And I'll never do it again.

What did you tell people?

I said a car backed into me, but
I don't think they believed it.

Sure, they did. No, they did.

Look, come on. I'm sorry.

So will you take my order now?

No.

Come on.

You know you want to.

Welcome to Quicky Burger.

May I take your order?

That's my baby.