The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 3 - Fatty McButterpants - full transcript

It's breakfast and you're
eating a piece of candy?

It's dessert.

There is no dessert
with breakfast.

Maybe not where you live.

Will you at least
take your vitamin?

My God, you're a time bomb.

What you got goin'
on there, bub?

Before I swallowed the vitamin,

there was a lifesaver
in my mouth.

Wow.

You're like the Evel
Knievel of sucking candy.



Wish me luck.

I got it.

And welcome back,
butterscotch goodness.

Howdy.

Oh, hey. You're home.

Thought you were gonna go pick up
those patches for the screen door.

Well, I was, and then I thought

that sounded like a
good errand for you.

Ooh. Orange Julius.

Ok, honey, I told you before.

If it's empty by the
time you get home,

leave the cup in the car. Don't
come in here showboatin' with it.

Sorry.

So did you get me anything?



Um, as a matter of
fact, yes, I did.

Ah! Oh! Look at this.

Hi, shirt. You get to be
draped across my nipples.

Congrats!

Ok, well, you two
get acquainted.

I'm gonna go put
this stuff away.

Hey, dad.

Look at this.

4 more break-ins on
casino boulevard.

It's getting so you can't
walk out the door anymore.

Well, you can walk out the door.

You just can't go left.

That's not the point.

A man should be able to
walk out his front door,

turn right, turn left,

or walk right out into the
street if he wants to.

Don't make me lock you
in the house, dad, ok?

Well, hello.

Ooh.

That shirt looks sexy on you.

Does it? I, uh, hadn't noticed.

Hi, I'm Doug. I'm a pisces.

I like walks in the rain
and bags of pork rinds.

Work it, baby. Work it.

I got the trash, babe.
That'll be our deal.

Every time you buy me a
shirt, I take out the trash.

Oh, that's ok, honey. I got it.

I got it. No, really. It's fine.

What... what is this?

Barry's big and tall shop?

What? Oh, that's trash, baby.

You got my shirt at the
big and tall shop?

Did I?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, I got myself
something there.

What?

A barrette.

Oh, stop it, Carrie.

You got my shirt at
the big and tall shop

and you were hiding
the bag from me.

Ok, fine. I'm sorry.

Oh, man, I can't believe this.

At most I thought I was, like,
the biggest size at Macy's.

When did I make the crossover?

2 years ago, Christmas.

Oh, God!

Come on, honey.
What's the big deal?

It's just a big and tall store.

Oh, yeah? Well, let me
break it down for you.

I'm certainly not tall.

You're tall. Sure you're tall.

What are you, 6'2"?

I'm 5'9".

That's pretty damn tall.

Oh, would you come on?

All right. Maybe you're
a little bit big.

Why is this even a discussion?

The man is gargantuan.

Ok, what else came from
the big and tall shop?

Tell me. What... This belt?

My... my jeans? My cowboy shirt?
What?

A few things might
have come from there.

I don't know.

Ok, then let's go the
other way with it, ok?

What didn't come from
the big and tall shop?

Ok. I will show you.

The thing is they use
very good fabric.

There's nothing in
there, is there?

Yes, there is.

This. Ok, fine.

Great. Well, you know what?

This is what I'm gonna
be wearing from now on,

so you better get used
to it, missy, ok?

I can't feel my hands.

Hi, babe. What are you doin'?

Lookin' at myself in
various stages of fatness.

Look at this. Come here.

Watch this.

You can actually see
me gaining weight.

Hey.

Watch this.

And there goes my neck.

Ok, would you stop this now?

Here. Just watch some T.V.

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪

♪ the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ the minnow would be lost ♪

Oh, my God. I'm fatter
than the skipper.

Ok. Enough.

This is brutal.

I knew I wasn't slim
or even normal size,

but seein' that bag, you know?

Honey, you are really
overreacting to this.

I mean, you are
totally attractive.

So you... you still love me?

Of course, I still love you.

I love you no matter what.

What does that mean,
"no matter what"?

Nothing. Just that I love you.

No, "no matter what"
means you love me

even though I have
some sort of problem,

like no job or no money,

or biggie can't fit
through doorway!

Ok. I take it back.

I love you. That's it. Period.

No, come on, Carrie. I'm
being serious here.

Let's go. You're
telling me right now

you have no problem
with that area in here?

Nothing?

Well, you know, for
health reasons...

No, no, no, no. I'm not talkin'
about health here, ok?

Let's assume I'm
in perfect health

and I don't have that flutter.

I want to know right now:

Am I as sexy and
attractive to you as ever?

Huh? Is this it for you?
Am I perfect?

Well, ahem...

I guess it wouldn't kill me

if you lost a little weight.

Aha! Ok,

and how much weight would it
not kill ya for me to lose?

I don't know. 50 pounds?

50? All right! Less!

Whatever. You made me say it.

I can't believe you said 50!

Doug, come on! You know I
love you no matter... ah...

This is... This is unbelievable.

You know, here I am walking around
thinking everything's great.

Meanwhile, you're smuggling in my
clothes and hating the way I look!

No, I don't hate the
way you look, ok?

But, yes, I admit it.

You could lose a little weight.

But, Doug, come on.

I'm sure there are
things about me

you wish were different
that you hold back on.

You? No, you're... you're perfect.
Yeah, right.

Hey, look, when you start
getting the old lady whiskers,

I'll let you know, but
for now you're fine.

Doug, come on. This could be
really good for our marriage.

I mean, if there are things
bothering us about each other,

we should just get them
out there, you know?

It's healthy.

I guess. All right, so come on.

Hit me, baby.

Uh...

I guess maybe sometimes...

You wear a little
too much makeup.

What do you mean?

Well, just, you know, all
that goop over there.

Sometimes I think
you could just...

Back her down a notch.

Ok, this is stinging more
than I thought it would.

So you really think I
wear too much makeup?

No. I just... like if we're
going out for burgers,

you know, and I throw on a pair
of sweatpants and a baseball hat,

you look like you're
going to the opera...

Or you're in the opera.

Ok. Ok.

I will try to wear less makeup.

Well, this is great. All right.

But we're gonna do
this together, ok?

And I'm gonna join a
gym and start to diet.

I'm gonna whip this
body into shape

'cause nobody's calling me
fatty mcbutterpants anymore.

Somebody called you
fatty mcbutterpants?

On line at the bank
yesterday, yeah.

And it took seeing
the big and tall bag

to push you over the edge?

Mmm-hmm.

Ok. I dieted for
the last 8 hours.

Granted I was asleep,
but I can feel it.

Something's happening.

And I have almost no makeup on.

Take a good look around, fat,

look at this house,

'cause you ain't comin'
back here no more.

By the way, uh,

I'm joining the gym on the
Deacon's family plan,

so if anybody calls,

he's the man I share
my life with.

Carrie.

I'm not putting it on!
I'm just looking at it.

It's sparkly.

Ok.

Darling,

let me introduce you to Frank, a.K.A.
Mr. safety.

"Mr. safety"?

Reading about this
recent crime wave

made me concerned for
your well-being.

Just sit him on the
passenger seat in your car

when you go to work,

and the carjackers will
move on to easier prey.

Dad, I take the subway to work.

Well, then, take him on
the subway with you.

He has no legs.

Pretend he's an amputee.

Dad, how is a legless doll

gonna protect me on the subway?

Why are you being so difficult?

I'm trying to save your life!

Oh, forget it!

Nope.

What's up, ladies?

All right. Let's
light this candle.

♪ My blood runs cold

♪ my memory has just been sold ♪

♪ Angel is a centerfold

♪ angel is a centerfold

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na

♪ na-na, na-na, na-na

♪ na-na, na-na, na-na

Little help?

Hello, Douglas.

So...

You, uh...

You got your guy at
the table now, huh?

That's right.

Ne'er-do-Wells could be
casing our house as we speak.

Yeah? Then why you playing
pinochle with him?

Because, moron,

if I don't treat Mr.
safety like a real person,

they'll know he's a fake.

Yeah, well, I gotta
tell you, still weird.

What's up with the
walk, Frankenstein?

I just joined the gym,

and I might have overdone it.

Gym, huh? Throwin'
your money away.

I got 2 words for you, friend:

Dynamic tension.

Give me a bag of rice, gallon
of milk, and a rubber band,

and I'll give you a workout
you won't soon forget.

Don't work out with my milk, ok?

I'm telling you, it works.

Look at the shape I'm in.

I weigh exactly what I weighed

when I was 12 years old.

♪ She's a superfreak,
superfreak ♪

♪ She's superfreaky

yeow.

What was that?

You are not going
to believe this.

At work I got all these compliments
about the no-makeup thing.

I mean, people telling
me I looked great,

and, like, younger. Really?

Yes! And I actually
got carded at lunch,

and then I went to
2 other places,

got carded again.

I'm not gonna lie to you, honey.

I'm a little looped.

That's... that's great.
Great for you.

It is great, isn't it?

We decided to be more
honest with each other.

You know, set some goals,

work on some stuff,
and we did it.

Yeah, we... we did it.

Yeah.

You're done.

Wow.

It's like without my makeup,

my eyes stand out in
this really great way.

And my mouth is so
naturally pouty.

I tell you,

this telling each other stuff

was the best thing
we ever did, babe.

You know, there is other stuff.

Huh?

There's more things
that you could work on

about yourself, you know.

There are?

A couple, yeah.

Well, how come you didn't
mention it the other night?

I guess I didn't want to dump
everything on you all at once.

I thought this makeup thing was
gonna be hard enough, but now...

Ok. Like what?

Um...

Your accent. My accent?

It's a little thick, honey.

Ok, well, what the hell
am I supposed to do?

It's the way I talk.

"Talk." See? That
right there, "talk."

So what are you saying?

After 7 years all of a sudden,
my accent bothers you?

It's not a question
of it bothering me.

I mean, look, are you smart?
Sure.

Do you sound smart?

O-ok.

Um, so what else?

Your laugh. My laugh?

Yeah. Ha!

Well, I thought people
think my laugh is fun.

Yes, if you think loud,
scary noises are fun.

O-ok. So what else? What else?

Nothing else. Come on. Tell me!

There's nothing else!
Is it my forehead?

What? Last week I told you

my hairdresser said I had a big forehead.
You said it was fine,

but you were lying, weren't you?

To protect you, yes.

Hey, fellas.

Could I speak to
Arthur in private?

He's for safety! That's all.

Watch this part.

Carrie, come on, let's go.

I'm comin'!

Coming.

I'm coming.

From Columbia pictures,

comes a comedy about a
happy-go-lucky polygamist

and his 5 very different wives.

It's your classic

boy-meets-girl-meets-girl-
meets-girl-meets-girl- meets-girl story.

Honeys! I'm home!

What's up with her?

How can 5 women have a headache

on the same night!

Oh, my.

Hey, Deac, question for you.

Yeah.

You ever feel bad about yourself

so you tell Kelly there
are things wrong with her

just to, you know, hurt her?

You're asking me if I
mentally abuse my wife?

Yeah.

No, I don't.

Me neither.

Wait. Does this
have anything to do

with why Carrie was acting
so freaky last night?

It might. I don't know.

What did you do?

First she told me that I could
stand to lose a little weight,

so I told her to
wear less makeup,

to work on her
accent, her laugh,

and her huge forehead.

I'm sorry. Her huge forehead?

All right, maybe it's
not freakshow material,

but she draws some looks.

Step aside, bro.

You are messed up.

How am I messed up?

Carrie tells you you
have to lose weight,

which is like... come on.

And you tell her she has
to work on her forehead?

How the hell do you
work on a forehead?

Hey, I had to eat baby
carrots at the movies.

Yes, all right. Nice work
on your relationship.

Sounds real healthy.

Hey, don't judge me, Mr.
black-Dr.-Joyce-brothers, ok?

You're tall and thin. You
don't understand my issues.

And I don't want to understand 'em.
Yeah, all right. Yeah.

Walk away. That's
right, tall-ee.

Whoo-hoo, I'm big.

Yeah, have fun ducking
under doorways.

I'm on this now!

I hate me!

What's going on?

I lied!

What?

I lied, ok. I'm not
fatty mcbutterpants.

I'm fatty mcliarpants.

What did you lie about?

About all that stuff I told
you is wrong about you.

You know, I made it all up...

Because I was suffering,

and I wanted to drag
you down with me.

Man, I'm not even
Fatty McLiarpants.

I'm Fatty McEvilpants.

All right, could you
stop saying what you are

with the words "fatty"
and "pants" around it,

and just let me process
this for a minute?

So you have no problem
with my accent?

No! It's regional.
It has character.

And my laugh?

A burst of energy.

And this, uh, football
field up here?

I love your forehead, ok?

I'd carry it around in my wallet

if that was any way workable.

I can't believe this!

I know. I was so out of line.

It's just that you
came in so happy,

and I couldn't get my shoes off.

So I flailed at you.

I'm sorry. Do you forgive me?

No!

I don't forgive you.

I mean, you had
me walking around

acting like an idiot.

You made me feel really
bad about myself, Doug.

I know! I didn't mean to.

You did mean to.

That was the whole point, right?

I guess it was, yes.

I'm sorry.

No. No. I don't forgive you.

You don't?

No. Never?

No!

I mean, what you did was...
was horrible.

I mean, "oh, I'm sorry, Carrie."

"Oh, ok." That's not
gonna cut it, buddy.

Hey, how about this?
How about this, huh?

How about you think of another thing
that you don't like about me,

something really hard to fix.

All right? Then I'll
have the weight

and the new hard thing.
That's 2 hard things.

And you'll have nothing. Huh?

What do you say there, sugar?

Hmm?

Well, that's not bad.

Ok.

So come on. Hit me. Gloves off.

Your hair.

My hair?

Thinning.

In the front a little?

In the front, yes...

And in the back...

And on the sides.

You're really starting to
enjoy this, aren't you?

Little bit.

Carrie!

They got to him!

I'll kill you, you
vicious thugs.

Ironic, isn't it?

The only one Mr. safety
couldn't protect was himself.

Hey.

Give me your wallet.

Hmm.

All right.