The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 2 - Roast Chicken - full transcript

Oh! It wasn't supposed
to rain today.

Damn Al Roker!

Hurry up and open the door.
I'm getting soaked.

I can't get at the keys.

Here, I'll get 'em. Hold these.

Ow! Easy, that's a soda bag.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, yeah.

Mama Leone, someone wants a
slice of big Dougie pie.

Shut up.

What are you doin'
with all these keys?



What are you, Schneider?

Which one's the house key?

Well, you just passed it there.

Find the key and
open the damn door!

Fine! I gotta put the bags down.

All right, but don't put
the bags in the puddle!

It's all puddle!

Crazy kids.

Ok, got some chicken,
got some potatoes.

Hey, hey. Ok, watch the finger!

Hey, don't mean to
interrupt animal planet,

but how was everyone's day?

Anything to say?

Anyone?



Can you believe that news
about the vice president?

What news?

What news? He resigned today.

Who did?

Al Gore, the vice president.

What, do you live in a cave?

No, I do not live in a cave,

and Al Gore did not resign.

He absolutely did.

Doug?

I don't know.

It was right on the front page

of today's paper. I'll show ya.

Dad, if Gore resigned, how come
there was nothing about it

on the news or on the radio?

Maybe this man had a scoop.

Oh, by the way, Marc
and Abby called,

they want to know if we want
to do benihana Saturday night.

Oh, yeah, I like that place.

Better than goin' to that stupid I.P.S.
Banquet anyway.

The company's havin' a banquet?

We don't have to go.
Let's do benihana.

Oh, I hope we get aiko.
Last time we had Lenny.

I can't find the front section.

Would you forget about it?

It's probably in the garbage.

Thank you.

So what's the banquet for?

Dad, get out of the garbage.

Oh, let him go. Maybe
he'll fall in.

So, what's the banquet for?

Oh, it's just for Les Fisker.

He's been with the company
like 20 years or somethin'.

Who's Les Fisker?

There's still tuna in this can.

Do we own a diamond mine
I don't know about?

Who's Les Fisker?

He's my boss.

I thought O'Boyle was your boss.

O'Boyle's just my supervisor.

Fisker runs the whole place.

Ok, then, don't you
think you should go?

Why? He doesn't even know me.

What do you mean, he
doesn't know you?

He doesn't know me.
He doesn't know you!

He no know Dougie.

Aha! "Gore resigns"

himself to wooden image."

Well, this is obviously
the wrong newspaper.

So, Doug. Ya?

I think we should go to the
banquet on Saturday night.

Why?

Why? Because he's your boss.

This is a perfect chance for you to...
to get some brownie points.

You know, stand out from
the pack a little bit.

Oh. All right, all right.

Now I see how we got
off track here.

See, you want me to stand
out from the pack,

whereas I want to remain
hidden and obscured

by that very same pack.

Carrie, it's how I survive.
All right?

Staying nameless and faceless.

Not too good, not too bad.

Right on the cutting
edge of mediocre.

Doug, I think you're
being ridiculous.

Oh, you just want him to
kiss a little heinie.

Sure, you get the big promotion,

but you lose your soul.

Ok, bubby, just eat your dinner.

In all the jobs I ever had,

I never kowtowed to the bosses.

I spoke my mind!

Which is why you have no
pension, no benefits,

and you live in our basement.

You really swung from the heels
on that one, didn't you?

Doug...

Fine. You know? Ok, fine.

We will go to the banquet, ok?

Way to go, sellout!

Carrie, I'm leavin'!

Doug, wait. Wait, wait, wait!
What's up?

Sign one of these, ok, and
bring it to your boss.

Sign what? A card.

You know, to congratulate
him for his 20 years.

A card? No, no, that's
way over the top.

No, it isn't. Doug, it's
good office politics.

I do it all the time at work.

Really? Is that why you're on the fast
track to making less coffee next year?

Sure, take a vicious shot at me.
Very nice.

Come on, pick one and sign it.

Fine. Why do you have
all these anyway?

Oh, when I see a card I like,

I just buy it, even
if I don't need it.

Like what you do with beef.

Ok, how about that one?

2 deer drinking from
a Mountain stream.

Um, do you have anything gayer?

Here, hunting dogs.
Heterosexual enough for ya?

Fine. I can't believe it.
First a banquet, now a card.

Who am I?

Ooh, I love you, boss.

I love you so much.

Ok, you know what? Catchin' a
little pop-tart shower there.

All right, let me see.
Let me see.

"Congratulations.
Doug Heffernan,

driver 622-h7."

Hon, it's a card,
not an invoice.

You know what? You write it.

Ok, I will.

Here.

"Congratulations. I hear
you got 20 to life."

What does that mean?

20 to life. Like working
there's a prison sentence.

It's funny.

Hey, man.

Hey.

What's the matter?

Man, got a fugly route today.

They got me goin' back and
forth over the bridge 3 times.

I get winded peeling an orange.

We all have our crosses to bear.

You ready to head out?

Yeah. Give me 2 seconds. I just
gotta drop this by Fisker's office.

Fisker? What you got for him?

Oh, it's just a
congratulations card.

You know, for his 20 years here.

Didn't you, uh, didn't
you get him one?

No.

Hey, any of you guys, uh,
givin' cards to Fisker?

No. No, not me.

Mr. Grossman's office.

Nobody's givin' cards!

Doug?

None of the others are doin' anything.
I'll be the only one!

Carrie!

Doug, listen to me.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Mommy loves you. Now
just give him the card.

Carrie, this was
supposed to be decaf!

Gotta go.

Hi.

Hello. Can I help
you with something?

Uh, yeah, I, uh, I,
uh, I work here.

And, uh, I, uh, just wanted to
drop this off for Mr. Fisker.

Oh, what is it?

It's just a card for
his 20-year thing.

Oh, how thoughtful.

Actually, he's not busy.

Why don't you just pop on in
and give it to him personally.

No! No, no. No, no, that's fine.

Actually, he's due
at a meeting anyway.

No, please, don't, please.
You wait right here.

I'm asking. Please stop walking.
No.

Can we go now?

Yeah, just give me 2 seconds.

I gotta show a urinal
cake who's boss.

Hey, Eddie.

"20 to life." That's...

Funny stuff.

Oh, tight squeeze, huh?

Yeah, I get that a lot.

Doug, let's go!

Are you Doug Heffernan?

No!

Did... did you say Heffernan?

Yes.

Oh, then, yes, I am, yes.

Well, I'm, uh, I'm Les Fisker.

Oh, hi. Hello.

Oh, thank you for the card.

Oh, you're welcome.
Yes, you are.

20 to life, very clever.

Aw, it just kinda came to me.

Mmm. You're in the
wrong business.

You should be writing for imus.

Oh. Thanks. Thank you very much.

Anyway, it was very thoughtful.
Thank you again.

No problem. Well,
you take care now.

Yeah. Uh, Doug?

Ya?

How are things goin' for
you guys down here?

Oh, uh, you know what?
Everything's been really...

Good, you know? Things
are goin' good!

People really...

Customers really seem to enjoy their...
their packages.

Aah! That's kinda hot
when you start drying.

All right, well, you
know, good seeing you.

Doug, Doug! Crazy
thought just hit me.

Yeah.

You know the company's giving me
this banquet thing on Saturday.

Yeah.

Well, it's, uh, it's gonna be like a...
a roast, you know?

One of those things
where people get up

to the microphone and zing ya.

Ooh, ouch.

Want to roast me?

I'm sorry. What?

Roast me.

You'll represent
the other drivers.

And, uh, don't hold back, I
think I can take a joke.

Well, I guess we'll find
out on Saturday, huh?

Hey, babe.

Hello.

I picked up some deli.

Mmm. Deli. Great.

So did you give Mr.
Fisker the card?

Just like you told me.

And did your world
come crashing down?

Yes, it did.

What do you mean?

Well, it seems he was so
tickled by your little card,

that now I have
to roast the man.

What?

I gotta stand in front
of a bunch of people

at a banquet and insult him.

You have so screwed me up here.

So then he thought my
card was funny, huh?

He sure did.

Oh, "20 to life,"
that's some big funny.

That's Gallagher
funny right there!

Look, calm down. This
is a good thing.

I mean, out of all the drivers,

Fisker picked you to do this.

That means he likes you.

Ok, let's review. Don't
want him to like me.

Don't want him to know me, ok?

You made me kiss his butt,

now I'm wearing his
ass as a turban!

Do you still want deli?

I'm angry, not dead.

He was born and raised on a farm
outside of Norfolk, Nebraska.

I know he's a real farm boy,

'cause I saw him at the bar
with a couple of pigs.

All right, Arthur, this
isn't helping at all.

Are you kidding?

These are the classic
celebrity roasts.

You can get a lot of material.

Unless you think you
have nothing to learn

from Mr. Fred travalena?

All right, fine. Show
me something I can use.

Ooh!

This is a great bit for you.
Look!

So, you Muhammad Ali, huh?

Don't mean much to me.

You wanna step out
in the alley, Ali?

Huh? Huh? You like?

Ok. Couple of problems here.

First of all, my boss is not
heavyweight champion of the world.

And I am not the jeffersons.

So what?

Just tweak it. Update the
references in your home.

Do I have to spoon
feed this to ya?

Good-bye.

Wait, wait. Look! Foster Brooks.

Use his drunk routine.

Hey, Fisker, give me
another martooni.

Ah, I miss the day when alcoholism
was light, breezy entertainment.

Hey.

You know, I used to love you.

Now I associate you with pain.

Haven't written any jokes yet?

No! I got so desperate,

I even turned to
mini-me out there.

Hurtful, and you're
missing Bruce jenner.

Look, don't worry about it.

You'll come up with something.
You still have...

2 days! I got 2 days!

All right, big deal.
All you have to do

is come up with a few cute little
jokes, it's not that hard.

Not that... Oh, that's right!

I forgot. I'm married
to a gifted funny lady.

You know what? Hey, you
worked the magic on my card.

Let's see what you can do
with this, miss buzzi.

Ok, you got some, uh, very
disturbing doodles here.

Jokes, please.

Ok, I'll come up with somethin'.

What's goin' on? The gags
comin' so fast and furious,

you can't write 'em down?

Want me to get a tape recorder?

Shut up.

Ok. I got it. I got it.
I got it.

His name is Les Fisker, right?

Mmm-hmm.

Ok, this is what you say.

Hey, everybody,

we're here to honor Les Fisker.

Hey, if he's Les, I'd
hate to see more!

I don't want to roast him.

Come on, Deac, it'll be fun.

Hey, hey, "if he's Les,
I'd hate to see more."

Huh? Hey, you can have that one.

Look, man, I got a
family to feed.

I'm not in a rush to
insult my boss in public.

Not insult, rib.

And once again, a lot of fun.

So why don't you want to do it?

It's not my thing.

I'm not funny in front of
people the way you are.

Hey, hey, my homeys, what's up?

Deacman is in the hizzouuuse!

Don't do that again.

Come on, man, I'm beggin' you!

It ain't gonna
happen, my friend.

Hey. Hey, Dugan, how about you?

Come on, you want
to give it a shot?

Morales? Hey, you
guys could be a team.

Irish, puerto rican,
I'm laughin' already,

and a great plea for tolerance.
Hello.

Hey. Psst.

Here comes your boyfriend.

Morning! Morning! Hello!

Don't mean to scare you
folks by comin' downstairs.

You're all doin' a
great job, great job.

You probably heard
that Doug here

is gonna be roasting
me tomorrow night.

If you saw his card I put
up on the bulletin board,

you know Dougie.

Well, he's a... He's
one funny s.O.B., huh?

Well, he's gonna be
zingin' me for you folks.

I just wanted to
say to all of you.

Up yours in advance. Huh? Huh?

Well, that's all. Let's
get to work, people.

Let's go, go, go. Chop, chop!
Come on!

Um, Mr. Fisker?

Yeah, Doug?

Uh, a-about the roast thing.

Yeah?

It's just that I...
I don't think...

I mean, I might not
be able to do it.

Oh? Why not?

Uh, well, you see,

I forgot that we have
a thing this weekend.

My wife's sister,
as it turns out,

is having her roast tomorrow.

What?

Well, it's really
more of a wedding,

but we're probably gonna make fun
of her a little. She stutters.

What's going on, Doug?

Do you really have a wedding or
are you just jerking my chain?

No, no, no. Hey, look, if I
was gonna jerk your chain,

I would have done it the other day
in the men's room, right? Wa-bang!

If you don't want to come to
my banquet, then don't come,

but don't make a
fool of me, Doug.

Uh, Mr. Fisker, you know what?
Thought.

Uh, I don't know if I really
have to go to the wedding.

She's just a half-sister.

Bottom line, I will
see you at the roast!

All right.

Good!

Good!

Hey, honey, how ya doin'?

I can't stop sweating.

Poor baby.

I put a couple of your
maxipads under my armpits,

but they... they just
soak right through.

Yeah, that's because these
are for light days.

I'm so nervous, the back of
my head is actually numb.

Doug, everything's gonna be ok.

Everyone's there just
to have some fun.

You'll go up, you'll
do your jokes here,

everyone will laugh,

and it'll all be over with.

You think?

Yes. Now, come on.

Lay your head right here.

It's ok. Everything's
gonna be just fine.

Yes, it is.

And now, speaking for the
drivers, Doug Heffernan.

Thank you. Well, it's...

Well, it certainly has been
a fun evening thus far.

Hello, everyone.

I know that we're all gathered
here tonight for the same reason.

The shrimp toast.

But seriously,

uh, Les, you've been here
like 20 years, right?

Yup, yup.

Wow. That's a...
That's a long time.

I think the reason
he's lasted so long

is because he works so hard,

or is it that he hardly works?

My God, that's generic.

Seriously, again, Les has done
a great job here at I.P.S.

He's gotten the whole place
running like clockwork,

if that clock was built
by a crazed wino!

No, no, really, Les... Les
has personally introduced

some great innovations
at I.P.S.,

the... the 3-hour
lunch, and of course,

his bring-your-underage-
girlfriend-to-work-day.

But all jokin' aside,
it was Les' idea

for guaranteed
overnight delivery

and to start a late-night
pick-up service.

Oh, and speaking of
late-night pick-ups,

how about his wife, Alana?

Ohh!

Yeah, isn't she a great gal?

I don't... I don't want
to say Alana is easy,

but she gives a whole new
meaning to the phrase:

Please form an orderly line.

Are you with me?

I'm kiddin'. You know
I love you, Alana,

later, in my truck.

Let me ask you this, folks,

you guys know actually how
many people work at I.P.S.?

Huh? Anybody know?
It's 1 out of 4.

Hey, did every table
get a number 2 pencil?

I'm kiddin' around, red.

Nice hair, sir, does that
come with a chin strap?

Loved ya in cocoon. All right.

42 years of wedded bliss.

Let's hear it for 'em, folks.

Let's hear it for 'em.

The goosemans. The goosemans.

And on!

Oh. Oh! Ah!

Oh, gosh, this has
been great, folks.

But you know, let's not forget

what this night is truly about.

Les Fisker, huh?

One lucky man, right there.
You are.

You're lucky enough
to have a banquet.

What you're not lucky
enough to have,

is a bladder that empties
in under 20 minutes.

I lost a vacation day waitin'
for this guy to finish.

I mean it, man, maybe you ought
to pull into a jiffy lube

and have 'em put you up
on the rack, you know?

Seriously, you know?

Doug. Yeah?

Les had his prostate removed.

What?

Cancer.

Cancer, huh?

Ah...

Boy, that cancer's
wild, isn't it?

All right, let's see
what we got here.

"Dear Mr. Fisker,

"thank you again for being such
a good sport about the roast.

"As you said, what kind
of world would it be

"if we couldn't
laugh at ourselves.

"By the way, working
the night shift

has turned out to be a nice
change of pace after all."

It needs a joke.