The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 1 - Do Rico - full transcript

Hey, there.

Hey, sweetie, how was work?

Well, let's just say
that a lot of packages

are in different places then
they were this morning.

It's what I do.

Hey, what have you got there?

A C.D.

Apparently Bon Jovi is back.

Hmm.

Oh, he looks cute.

I'd still do him.



Put it on.

You got it. Comin' up.

Just pull the tab.

I don't... I don't see a tab.

Well, there's a tab.

That red, plastic thing.

Ok, that's not on this.
That's on gum.

Here we go. Here we go.

There we go.

Yeah.

Bon jovi comin' up.

All right, you know what?
Give me something sharp now.

Here. I just got
some new scissors.

Here you go, darling.



I finished the book
you loaned me.

Tuesdays with morrie.

Dad, I didn't loan this to you.

I bought this for
someone as a gift.

That might explain

why it was in your
drawer in a bag.

Oh, well, there it is, good as new.
Wrap it up.

There are pages ripped out.

Well, I'm sorry. I
was aggravated.

Morrie's dyin' and this
young man visits him,

brings him food, tucks a
blanket under his legs,

writes down all his insights...

Made my stomach turn!

Why?

I've mentored many
young men in my time.

Not a single one has come by

to chronicle my wisdom.

Not one!

Who have you mentored?

Many young men!

Ok, got it. Take a step back.

There you go. Thank you.

Darling, I had an idea.

How would you like to jot
down my musings on life?

Any interest?

Uh, sounds more
like a Doug thing.

Hello.

Hey. Hi.

Douglas, how would you
like to chronicle my life?

What?

Chronicle my life!

Come on, haven't I mentored
you, taken you under my wing,

taught you a few things about
the world and its peoples?

Mmm... No, not really.

I see. Well,

obviously I've been casting
my pearls before swine.

Uh, good day, and I'll
see you both in hell.

So, how was work?

Good. Today at lunch

I nailed down the difference

between pastrami
and corned beef.

One makes me go like this...

The other one, like this...

Once again, question was,

"how was work?"

It was busy. Busy.

Kew gardens branch
was down today,

they routed everything
through us.

Oh.

That's no big deal, though.

The new kid, Rico, I'm workin'
with, really came through.

He was like,

"Hey, that's no problem.

We just double up, Jack.
Push it, baby."

Is that the way he talks?

Yeah, he's got that
accent, you know?

"Hey, Jack, how you doin'?"

He calls everybody Jack.

I wish I had a little thing,

a little signature
way of talkin'.

You kinda do.

Really?

Yeah. You know, like when you...

You extend words for no reason,

like... like this would be

an "on-I-on-I-on."

You know?

Yeah, I guess I do have that.

It's not cool, though, you know?

"Hey, what's for dinner, Jack?"

We're lookin' at spaghetti.

Oh, yeah. Give me a taste, baby.

Ok, comin' at ya.

Yeah, feed me the
pasta, feed me.

Come on, come on, give it...
give it to me, yeah.

Oh, my God, that's hot!

Hey, what you doin'?

Paying our bills online.

And you think with all
the technology we have,

they can come up with a
better sound than...

Hey, hey! It's annoying, ok?

So, come on, why don't you
leave your bills behind

and get reacquainted
with my underdougie?

No, no, no, come on.
No, no, no, come on.

I gotta do this.
I gotta do this.

Hey, come on.

Hey, didn't you vow to obey me

at our wedding?

Obey me. Obey me, wife.

Obey me.

Doug, stop it!

Come on, we cut
that obey stuff out

when we wrote our own vows.

Actually, I snuck
it back in quietly.

It was... it was like,

Obey me.

Look, if I don't get
these paid by tomorrow,

the power company

is gonna turn our lights off.

That's ok, baby. We just
make love in the dark.

You know that's the way
it's supposed to be,

you know?

Mmm. You like doing
it in the dark, Rico?

Oh, yeah, baby.

So why don't you say good
night to the World-Wide web

and let Rico connect you, uh?

You think you got it in you?

You know I do.

Show me what you got.

Horrible beeping noise
must be stopped.

Must snuggle with
bear-like husband.

Pretty wiped out, huh?

Yeah. Tend to have that effect

on the ladies.

Well, hello.

I didn't hear you coming,

Mr. morning sex!

Doug?

Yeah?

Do Rico.

What?

The voice. Do Rico.

Uh...

Ok, so...

You want to dance the samba
in the air, eh, baby?

Mmm-hmm, yeah.

That's the early bird special.

That's gonna cost you.

Frankie Johnson?

Arthur Spooner. Remember me?

I filled in for your archery
instructor at camp wigwam.

Oh, for God's sakes,
I mentored you!

Fine. See you in hell!

Who is it?

A taste of Bombay!

Oh, terrific!

Hi, there.

Hello. You have the
makni tikka chicken,

palak paneer, and a lemonade.

That's $14.82, sir.

Let me get some cash.

Come in. Come in.

Son, how far do you
and I go back?

What is it, 2, 3 years?

I don't know.

Remember that time I ordered

the tandoori lamb from you?

Oh, that was fun.

What... what was
your name again?

Sanjib.

Sinbad?

Sanjib.

Sandjob?

Sanjib.

Look, I have a lot of
other orders in the car

so if you could please pay
me, I would appreciate it.

Oh, yes. I'll get to that.

But first,

I have a few things
I'd like to tell you

about the way things work

in this crazy place

we call planet earth.

Hit record and play
at the same time.

Boop-boop.

Dead-end package.

You know, if your owner
really wanted you,

he might have been
home 1 of the 3 times

I tried to deliver you.

Surprising the way people don't
wait at home for their packages.

It really is.

So, uh, you're a little
late this mornin',

what was up?

Uh, nothin'.

Carrie and I just got into
a little morning action.

Mornin' action. Nice work.

It's no big deal.

No big deal?

Didn't you once call morning sex

the, uh, the best
thing in the world

that doesn't have cheese on it?

I mean, it was good.

It was just that, uh...

I don't know.

Do you, uh, do you
think this is weird?

Last night,

I was trying to get
Carrie in the mood.

So I, uh...

I did a voice.

A voice?

Yeah.

What, like bugs bunny?

No. I did the voice
of the new guy.

Who?

Rico? Yeah.

Sort of turned her
on a little, too.

Then this morning,

she asked me to do Rico again.

Think that's a bad sign?

Do the voice for me.

I'm not doing the voice.
I'm just asking you,

do you think it's bad that
Carrie's kind of, like,

I don't know, into Rico?

Does it mean that I'm slippin'?

That maybe me alone doesn't
turn her on anymore?

Well, I mean, has she
ever even met Rico?

No, but I think she's
rollin' the dice

that young, Latino stud

might be a little bit
more of a turn-on

than big ass who's always there,

always!

Yeah. I... I see your point.

I knew it!

Oh, c-come on, man!
I think it's fine.

Look, you've been
married for a while.

These things happen.
You get creative.

Don't worry about it.

You, uh... You do voices?

No.

I do wear a bandana.

Really? Now... now, are
you playing a character

when you wear that bandana?

Hmm, I guess not.

So that's still you.

Well, it's "bad" me.

See, that wasn't me at
all in bed last night.

Just do the voice for me.

I'm not doing the voice!

I just want to feel the magic.

You know what he sounds like.

Yeah, but not talking sexy.

Come on. Do the voice.

Put on the bandana.

Hey, Rico. Come
here for a second.

Hey. What's up, Jack?

Not too much, man. Listen, um...

Doug and I were just trying
to remember the words

to that, uh, uh,
George Michael song,

I want your sex.

Um, remember how that goes?

Yeah, I think it's
something like, um...

♪ Sex is natural sex is fun ♪

Yeah.

♪ Sex is best when
it's one on one ♪

That's right.

Thanks.

Ok.

That got me a little hot.

What have you brought
me today, son?

What you ordered.

That was very kind of you.

Could you tuck this blanket

under my feet?

Thank you.

So, that's, uh, $13.28.

Right, right.

Sit for a moment, would you?

Sanjib,

do you see this
glass as half empty

or half full?

Half full.

Ok, so you know that one.

Dad, would you just pay the
guy and let him leave?

In a minute.

And stop ordering Indian food.

It's stinkin' up the fridge.

No offense.

Hey, sweetie.

Hi.

Oh, N.Y.P.D. Blue.

I miss Jimmy Smits,

but good for Rick schroeder,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Yeah, yeah. Good for him.

Have I told you how
much I love you today?

Oh, honey, that's sweet.

I love you, too.

So you, uh,

you wanna... Hmm?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's just finish
watching the show first.

Come on, baby. Let's do it now.

Oh, Rico,

you want me to turn the T.V.
Off?

Yes.

Well, ok.

Here I am, you big Latin stud.

Hmm. All right, that's it!

What?

You wouldn't turn off the T.V.
For me,

but you sure turned it off

for Rico, didn't you?

What are you talking about?

Oh, nothing. Just that
you're more attracted to him

than you are to me.

Doug, I don't know Rico.

I've never even met him.

Oh, you know him.

What does that mean?

I don't know. All I know is,

Doug plays with your hair,

nothin'.

Rico does, bingo.

Or should I say, El bingo?

Let me get this straight.

You are jealous of a guy
that I've never met

that is actually you.

No, I'm jealous of Rico!

You are Rico, you idiot!

No, I don't go around
calling people "Jack."

I'm the "on-I-on-I-on" guy.

And that, to my recollection,

has never gotten
your middle third

singing sweet Virginia.

Admit it, Carrie.

Another man's voice
is turnin' you on.

Maybe I am turned on by the fact

that you are such
a talented mimic.

You ever think of that?

Oh, is that it? Well, then
let's get original in here.

We'll have an orgy.

Hey, is this what I'm like
when I get my period?

Because if it is, I
am very, very sorry.

You know what? It's fine.
It's fine.

It really is, it
really is, you know?

I just... I guess we've
reached that phase

in our relationship

where I need to do
other people's voices

to turn you on.

What... so what are you sayin'?

You're sayin' that you have
never thought of anyone else

when we're in bed together?
Is that what you're sayin'?

Just the fact that
you're asking me that

means you thought about Rico.

Just answer my question.

Have you ever thought
of anyone else?

I've...

Shuffled through a few images,

but then retreated out of guilt.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

So other people have
crossed your mind.

Maybe, but the only
person I've thought

for more than a few
seconds was Don zimmer.

And that was just to pull
in the reins a little.

Whatever. Look,
this is so crazy.

It's just a stupid little
accent you started doing,

and now for some reason
you're mad at me.

I am begging you.

Can we let this go?

Fine. You know what? I'm
going to grab a beer.

Why don't you give me a jingle

when you're ready to have sex
with Doug Heffernan again!

Oh, yeah? Well, why don't
you give me a jingle

when you stop fantasizing
about Don zimmer?

I'm sorry, but I really
just have to be going.

Oh, yes.

We're all coming and going.

Only the man who makes
peace with that

can truly be free.

More curry?

Coming!

Leave my son alone!

What?

He does not wish to
chronicle your wisdom.

But thank you for your business.

Here's your food. That's $11.95.

All right. Here's your money.

You know, people often ask me,

"why is there so much
anger all around us?"

And I say... Ba-dup!

Oh, strong to the hoop!

Oh, that's the answer,
that's the answer.

It's 10-8, 10-8.

Hey, by the way,
thanks for the tip.

What do you mean?

I tried Rico's voice last night.

Kelly liked it so much
that after we were done,

she got out of bed and
made me a grilled cheese.

Hey, Carrie's here.

Really?

Hey, big guy!

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Oh, this is perfect,

just when he's glistenin'.

Sub!

Hey, how did you
know I was here?

Your dispatcher told me you
guys were playing some ball.

Listen, I... I felt really bad
about our fight last night.

And you know what?
No big deal, ok?

Just, uh, see ya later, ok?
Bye-bye.

Buckle up for safety...
For safety.

No, no, no honey, honey,
it is a big deal, ok?

If your feelings were hurt,

and you were still thinkin' about
it this morning, that's bad.

Now, I don't want to get into
who's right or who's wrong.

The point is, this has
nothing to do with Rico.

I love you, and that's it.

Love me. Got it. Ok.

All right, honey, I love you.

I'll see you at home.
All right. Bye-bye.

Thank you.

Hey, where you goin', Jack?

You liked his voice, now
welcome to his face.

Is that what you're all
worked up about? Pfft!

I gotta tell you, honey.

If I passed him on the street,

nothing.

Then why haven't you blinked?

I'm going.

Hey, you're not
leaving, are you, Jack?

Uh, no, no, no. Uh...

Rico, this is, uh,
my wife Carrie.

Hello, how you doin'?

She's doin' good.

You're doin' really good, right?

This is my girlfriend Francesca.

Mmm, very nice to meet you.

I love your sweater.

Oh. Yeah, well,

Carrie's just
leaving now, right?

Yeah. Oh, I was just leaving.

Drive away, honey. Drive away.

Come on, Doug. Can't
we get past this?

Don't you want to
"dougercise" me?

Or somethin'?

I can't.

You'll just think about Rico.

And I can't imitate that body.

Why does this have
to be a bad thing?

I mean, maybe this is
like a new phase for us,

you know, we role-play.

It could be fun.

What do you mean?

Doug, I'm Francesca,

Rico's adorable girlfriend.

I'm very sexy and very Italian

and very hopeful

that you will come out to play.

What the hell have
you been drinkin'?

Well, I think

you might like a
little action, too.

And not Don zimmer's.

So, Doug...

You like it, come on. Say
you like it, Dougie.

Mmm. I'm not hatin' it.

You would, uh, do
Francesca during hmm?

Of course. I'll do anything for you, Doug.
I love you.

So, Doug,

you want a little-a
Italian gelato?

What flavor?

Spumoni.

What's that?

It's got

fruits,

and nuts and candy.

Ok, now I actually want gelato.

But I can get that later.

So, Francesca,

are you ready for
some hot, Latin love,

eh, baby?

I'm ready, Rico.

Mmm.

Mmm. You are a big,
sexy Latino stud.

Oh, that's-a right, Jack!

What was that?

The toilet won't-a
stop flushing again!

You know, it kind of smells.

I'll get the plunger.

Whoo! Man, it is
great to be them.

And so,

that is why I look at this glass

as half full.

Write that down.

I'm not gonna write it down.

You're supposed to be
chronicling my wisdom.

I'm not going to
chronicle your wisdom.

You chronicle my wisdom.

Your wisdom is stupid.

Oh, what?

The glass is half full.

Oh, that's genius.

So, that's how it's gonna be?

Well, chronicle this.

I'll see you in hell!