The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 17 - Inner Tube - full transcript

Hey, hon. Good news
about tomorrow.

What's tomorrow?

Tomorrow. My seminar.

Ok. Gonna need a little more.

The tri-state attorneys'
seminar I'm coordinating?

The thing I've been pretty much working
on constantly since Thanksgiving?

Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm. I
remember Thanksgiving.

Doug, come on.

What, what? What about it?
Well...

I like the other chicken
you make better.

Huh? I like the other kind.



This has no zip.

Dad, you have an ulcer.
You're not allowed zip, ok?

There's Mrs. Dash in the cabinet.
Try that.

Thanks for nothin'.

So, what's this good
news you speak of?

Ok, the good news is you
can come to the seminar.

There's a cocktail
hour tomorrow night,

and then a big closing
luncheon on Saturday,

and Pruzan said that I
can bring you to both.

Shut up! That's good news.

Mrs. Butterworth's?

Dash. Dash.

It's not in here.

There you go.



Oh.

So would you please just
come to this thing?

I'm gonna be running around
dealing with 200 drunk lawyers.

I could use a hug now and then.

Can't one of them hug you?

Ok, Doug, you know what? You
can be a real jerk sometimes.

I am asking you to be there for
me because I need the support.

That's what a marriage
is, you know.

You sometimes make a
sacrifice for your partner

because you love 'em.

Forget it.

Ok, I'm sorry. Ok, I'll be there.
I want to be, really.

Thank you.

Onion, black pepper,
celery seeds,

cumin, lemon juice
powder, oregano.

You know, we can make
this stuff ourselves.

Or I could just buy it for $1.

Must be nice being rich.

What's all this?

I just spoke to the guys
over at the Brooklyn depot.

They want a mud bowl rematch.
It's on, baby!

Mud bowl? Is it raining?

Yeah. It started about
a half hour ago.

So unless you're
getting bar mitzvahed,

ditch the tie and put your sweats on.
Come on.

I can't. I gotta go
meet Carrie in the city

at a stupid reception
thing for her job.

What? Can't you just
blow off the reception?

Nah. No way. Carrie
will kill me.

When she does,

let us know what kind of dress
you want to be buried in.

All right, man, funny. Let
me tell you guys something.

You know what? In a marriage,

you sometimes gotta make
sacrifices for your partner

'cause you love them,

and you... and you
support them and...

And what am I, Alan alda?
Let's play some mudball!

Carrie?

Arthur! Arthur, relax, it's me!

Douglas. I thought you were
at that seminar with Carrie.

Something came up.

Listen. I'm gonna
jump in the shower.

When Carrie comes in,
pretend you never saw me.

And you definitely
never saw this.

Yeah, well, what should I say?
What should I do?

Nothing. Just stay here and act natural.
That's it.

Hi, daddy. I'm just reading

the newspaper, that's all!

Ok. Is, uh, is Doug home?

I have no idea. I
heard some noises.

Must have been some animal
rummaging for food,

perhaps a heavyset squirrel.

Well, the shower's running.
I assume that's him.

Your guess is as good as mine.

Poor baby.

At the last minute, his
boss made him work late.

Had to make an emergency
run to LA guardia.

Oh, did he, now?

He probably put in a 15-hour
day and in this weather.

He's probably exhausted.

I'm sure he is.

Hey, how'd it go?

Pruzan was on my
butt the whole day.

I am so stressed.

Really? Sorry I... I
couldn't be there.

Well, you had to work late.
What can you do?

Nothin'. I'm just sayin'.

I'll tell you, I wish you
had been there, sweetie.

I could have really, really
used some moral support.

I will be there tomorrow with all
the moral support you can handle.

In fact, you'll have
extra moral support.

You can save that for
next year's seminar.

Ok? Ok.

Oh, bless you. Hey,
sit, sit, sit.

I brought home
some baby knishes.

Believe me, it was not easy

tearing them away
from their mommy.

Very emotional.

Dad, look at this floor.

Did you track in mud again?

I suppose I did.

I suppose I did.

Honey, come on. It's after 9:00.

We have to be at the
banquet room by 10:00.

I'm getting up now.

I laid out all your clothes,

so all you have to do is pour
your hot little body into 'em.

My God, you look awful.
Are you sick?

No, no, I'm fine.

Doug, you're on fire!

And sweaty.

No, I'm fine.

Oh, honey, come on. Look at you.

You're not going anywhere today.

I'm sorry I got sick, Car.

Hey, it's not your fault.

You probably caught it unloading
boxes in the rain last night.

Uh-huh.

Oh, oh, I... I gotta go.

Listen, you just lay there, ok, relax.
Watch some T.V.,

and I will call you later
and check up on you, ok?

I love you, sweetie.

Carrie asked me to
bring this to you.

I believe it's tea,
food, and medicine.

Oh. Thanks.

She tells me you're
under the weather.

Yeah. If I were you, I
wouldn't get too close.

In fact, that's probably
a good rule in general.

Right-o.

Oh, and if anyone calls,
I'll tell them you're...

"Sick."

I am sick, Arthur.

Of course you are.

Just like you had to
"work" last night.

Oh, come on. Don't
start with me.

I'm not starting anything.

All I know is your wife
needed you last night,

but instead you were
out enjoying yourself,

digging up buried footballs
with your friends.

We were playing football.

Oh, save your oysters, Eddie.

I already have enough
of your stink on me.

Oh, would you come off...

It's called covering your mouth.

Very mature. Oh,
come on, Arthur.

Get off your high horse, huh?
You're not Mr. perfect either.

Why? Because I eavesdrop on
an occasional phone call?

Because I sometimes help myself to
the change on your night stand?

Fine, I'm not perfect.

But at least I'm not a liar.

You broke my heart, Douglas.

Yeah, well, you... You
broke my heart, too!

Ok? Your little guilt
trip's not gonna work!

I do lots of stuff for
Carrie, lots of stuff!

Tell that to your conscience!

My conscience is
fine, so shutty!

No! You shutty!

You shutty!

I have something to
say about that...

♪

Jackie gleason.

The honeymooners.

Hey, Deacon! Come on down, pal!

Hey, Dougie boy.

Well, my friend, I think
congratulations are in order.

Why? The bus company starting
to pay you by the pound?

Oh, you're funny, pal.
You are funny.

I don't know why you're wasting
your time down in the sewer,

'cause you should be
on stage somewhere,

'cause you are a riot!

So, uh, w-what am I
congratulating you for?

For bein' a genius.

I told Carrie we got
an emergency meeting

down at the raccoon
lodge tonight,

so now I'm free to go bowlin'.

Mmm, I'm good.

Wow.

I gotta hand it to you, Doug.

I could never lie to Kelly.

No, she'd smell it
on me a mile away.

That's the difference
between you and I, Deac.

Unlike you, I am not
a-scared of my wife.

I am the king of my castle.
The king!

She is just a mere peasant!

Now, help me think of a way to sneak
out my bowlin' shoes after supper.

Hey!

Why don't we use this here and,
uh, wrap them up like a gift?

That's using your noodle, pal.
Here you go.

There. Put them in there.
How's that look?

I don't know. It, uh,
kinda needs something.

What do you mean?

Y-y-you got a nice
ribbon or something?

Good idea. A ribbon.
Here we go. Ok.

There you go, pal. Just
wrap it up, and hurry up.

Carrie'll be home any minute.

Right-o.

Will you come on?

There, there you go.
It's all done.

Hiya, Doug. Hello, Deac.

Hi, uh, sweetheart.

Whaddya say there, Carrie?

Doug, what time is your
lodge meeting tonight?

I told you, 8:00.

Really? Because I just ran into

the high exalted mystic ruler's
wife at the beauty parlor,

and she told me he's out
of town till Tuesday.

Homina, homina, homina...

Well, of course he is.

Uh, that's why we're meeting to plan
his, uh, surprise birthday party.

Oh! Is that what this is for?

Uh, no, no, it's something
I got for, uh, Kelly.

Oh, well, that's sweet.
What'd you get her?

Bowling shoes.

New bowling shoes.
Well, that's swell.

Well, I'm gonna get
cleaned up for supper.

All right. All
right, sweetheart.

You, uh, you take
your time now, ok?

Bowlin' shoes? That's what you
come up with? Bowlin' shoes?

I... I got kinda nervous, you
know, bein' around a king.

Get out. Get out!

♪

Ok, Arthur, 450.

Ok, uh, I'd like a 4.

We only take letters.

Is there an "h"?

Yeah, "h", "h" was called.
In fact, you called it.

Ah!

Sorry, Arthur. Time's up.
Carrie, it's your turn.

Big money, big money, big money!

And 600.

Uh, actually, pat, I would
like to solve the puzzle.

No!

Pat! He's touching the letters!

He's touching them!
Make him stop!

Wait a second. Did he lie to me?

No lie. I never...

♪

You're a liar.

Ouch!

You're a louse.

Oh.

You're a stinker.

But... but... Don't
you "but" me.

Oh, boy.

I told you so.

Shutty.

Not goin' so good.

Hey, bro. How you feeling?

Oh, man, like old gum.

Well, I brought your paycheck.

Oh, thanks a lot. All right.

So, uh, Carrie believe your
lie about working late?

It wasn't a lie, man.
It was an excuse, ok?

Besides, you guys pressured me into it!
I had my tie on!

Chill, all right? I'm
on your side, player.

Jeez.

Hey, hey, check this out.

Brian's song.

Cool. You want to
hang out and watch?

Nah. I'm supposed to
be working right now.

Later, guy.

Hey, black magic.

How you doin', Heff?

It's, uh...

It's 4th and 8,

and they won't let me punt.

Go for it, then.

I'm tryin'.

Jesus, God, I'm trying.

I brought your paycheck.

Thanks, magic.

Where do you want me to put it?

Over there by the deposit slips.

I'm sorry. What?

Just put it on the table.

Ok, guy, could you
speak up a little?

That's good.

I love Doug Heffernan.

And I'd like all of
you to love him, too.

So tonight, when you
hit your knees,

please ask Carrie to love him.

What the...

♪

I understand you've done some
impressive work for brash and sassy.

Thank you.

But I'm sure you didn't call
me here to tell me that.

No. That's correct.

Then what do you want?

I want the formula for
the anti-aging cream.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't my old
friend Arthur Spooner.

Nikki Newman. We meet again.

So sorry to eavesdrop, but
I thought you should know

that brash and sassy doesn't
have an anti-ageing cream.

That cream is my baby,

and it's the exclusive
property of jabot cosmetics.

It feels so good to hold you.

I miss you, Jack.

I can't believe you have a little
person growing inside of you,

a little us.

So what about Doug?

Oh, to hell with Doug.

He doesn't love me like you do.

And he lied to me.
He lied to me.

Bastard.

Oh, it's all right.
It's all right.

It's you I love, Jack.

And I love you.

No!

Douglas, are you ok?

I heard someone
screaming like a bitch.

I got to... I got
to talk to Carrie.

I got to tell her I lied.
You were right, Arthur.

Of course I was right.
Now, go to her, son.

Tell her you're sorry.

Tell her what she means to you.
Go.

Go! Can I put my pants on?

Uh, excuse me, folks,

if I can get you all to
skooch on into the ballroom.

Uh, people, key note
address about to begin.

Legal ethics in the new century.

That shouldn't take
too long, huh?

Ok, come on, guys.

Doug.

What are you doing here?

I had to talk to you.
It's important.

Is everything ok? Yeah, yeah.

It's just that I gotta...
Honey, you are still boiling.

Go home. We can talk tonight.

No, I have to talk to you now.

Ok. All right.

Let me, let me just go
herd them into their pen

and I'll be right back. Just
wait at the bar. Go ahead.

And now we continue

with our weekend-long
honeymooners marathon

♪

Jackie gleason.

The honeymooners.

So I lied to you, Carrie.

The whole thing was one
big stinking whopper.

Well, ain't you going
to say nothing?

Well, Doug, it's great that
you finally confessed.

Just great. That explains
where you were last night,

out having a ball
with your chums,

but it doesn't explain
something much more important.

Why you didn't even think enough
of me to tell me the truth.

I wish you had an
explanation for that.

Oh, how I wish you had
an explanation for that.

I have got an
explanation for it.

I'm a mope.

But I love you, sweetheart.
Honest, I do.

Oh, Doug.

Baby, you're the greatest.

Huh? What... Oh, I must've...
I must've fell asleep.

So what's so important? Why'd
you come all the way down here?

Well, because I need
to tell you something.

I...

I didn't have to work
late last night.

I... I lied and I told you I did

just so I could
play mud football.

I know you needed me here, and I...
I really let you down.

I'm a mope.

But I love you, sweetheart.
Honest, I do.

You lied to me?
You make me sick.

You're the greatest.

Doug Heffernan lied
at the age of 35.

He betrayed not only
his father-in-law,

but more importantly,
the woman he loves.

But when they think of him,

it's not how he played mud
football that they remember,

but rather, how he
lied, how he did lie.