The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 18 - Papa Pill - full transcript
Doug tells Carrie he doesn't agree with the way she treats Arthur and because of that Carrie lets Doug take care of Arthur.
Dad, for the 3rd time,
your dinner's ready!
And for the 3rd time,
I'm still shaving my ears!
Well, hurry up.
You're gonna be late!
All right. Ready to
rock when you are.
Oh, come on. You're
wearing that?
What's wrong with my outfit?
Ok, outfit is an awfully big word for
what you've done here, my friend.
We're goin' to the circus.
What, I gotta throw on a tux
to watch a clown light
his ass on fire?
It's not a regular circus.
It's French. It's
Cirque de Soleil.
They have men with wings
dancing in the air.
More like Cirque de so gay.
And they have those
female contortionists,
you know, that bend their legs
all the way around the
back over the head.
That's where they
lose me, right there.
I need a little more distance
between the sun and the moon.
All right.
All right. Let's get
this over with.
Oh, dad, you look great!
Just promise you won't
bury me in this.
You're all over my clothes,
but he gets to wear a shirt
with anchors and ukuleles on it?
Yes. I told you, I signed dad up
for that package of theme dances
at the senior center.
Oh, that's right. Yeah,
the thing you told me
to act positive about
in front of him.
Yes, I did say to be positive
because it is a good thing.
Ahh!
Tonight's theme is Maui madness.
Well, I think you
look great, Arthur.
I like the way the purple brings
out the veins in your legs.
Outta here, get out.
What the hell do you
call this, anyway?
I call it fish,
like most people.
Is it too late to substitute
something enjoyable?
Dad, your cholesterol is
now, like, the low 700s.
Come on, the fish
is good for you.
I don't care. I want bacon.
Oh, ok. You want bacon?
I'll give you bacon.
Just make sure you
wave hi to grandma
as you're going towards
the light, ok?
Oh, my God. Doug, it's late.
Would you mind dropping dad
off at the senior center
while I finish getting ready?
Mind? You kiddin' me?
Between that and the French
circus, this is a dream night.
Ok, dad, come on. Medicine time.
Ok...
Red, yellow,
and big blue.
Good.
Ah. There. Happy?
Take big blue.
I took it.
See?
Get it out of your
sock and swallow it.
Yes, mein fuehrer!
Oh! I almost forgot something.
Eeh, yeah!
Oh, dad,
you look so adorable.
Ok, ok! Have a good time.
Bye-bye.
Is there any chance I can
use this to hang myself?
♪
Hey, hey.
The joint is really jumping.
Huh?
Look, there's your buddy Mickey.
Oh, aloha!
Ready to hang 10?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Let's go. Hurry!
All right, I'll see
you in a few hours.
Brutal.
♪
Hey, daddy-o!
♪
Howdy, pardner!
Come on.
What is wrong with that man?
So, it's outer space night, huh?
I like it a lot better
than pajama party night.
I gotta be honest. I didn't
expect to see so many negligees.
I mean, there were a few secrets
Victoria should have kept
to herself, am I right?
Pull over.
I'm sorry, what?
Pull the car over, Douglas.
Arthur, we're still
6 blocks away.
Do it.
Look, I... I think we're
in a bus Lane here.
Douglas, look me in the eye.
Hi.
You gotta help me out here.
I can't go to that place again.
I just can't.
Why not?
Have you taken a good look?
That place is like
death's greenroom.
Well, it's no Hooters,
I'll give you that.
But really, what is?
Listen to me.
I know this fellow named Chick.
He's hipped me to some
clubs down at the docks.
Let me go down there tonight.
The docks?
What am I supposed
to tell Carrie?
She doesn't have to know.
I'll be back at the
center by 10:00.
Douglas, I'm beggin'.
There's a taxi stand
at the corner.
Please give me back the night!
Go ahead. Go on. Get outta here.
Oh, thank you, friend!
So, you won't tell Carrie?
Tell Carrie what?
About our arrangement.
I know. I was doing the thing
where I pretend to not even
know what you're talkin' about.
I don't follow you.
Just go. Just go. Just go.
Right, right.
Wait, take... take
off your antennae!
Boy, some of these people
really went for it
with the space costumes, huh?
Oh, check out the guy
with the oxygen tanks.
Actually, I think
those are real.
So where's my dad? Why
hasn't he come out yet?
You know him.
He's probably stealing
some cookies or something.
Oh, hi, Mickey.
Hey, you're lookin' good there.
Oh, thank you.
If you ever get tired
of your big boy,
my planet needs women.
I'll let you know.
So, is my dad still in there?
He never showed up.
Funny story.
What the hell were you thinking?
He promised he'd
be back by 10:00.
Yeah, well, he also promised
to wear underwear
underneath his bathrobe,
but we know how that
worked out, don't we?
All right, well,
he's not at home,
and didn't leave a
message on the machine.
This is just great.
Will you relax, ok?
I know exactly where he is.
Oh, really? Would you
mind telling me?
He's down by the, uh, you know,
the, uh, docks.
The docks?
Oh, that sounds like a perfect
place for an old man with gout.
Where at the docks?
He didn't specify, but he did
tell me who he was gonna be with.
Who?
A gentleman named Chick.
Chick?
It's a nickname.
Probably short for...
Chicken.
I can't believe you
let him run off.
God, what if something
happened to him?
He can take care of himself.
Will you stop worryin'?
All right, now, we'll
go down there,
we'll check out a few places,
and I'm sure we'll find him.
Don't forget to
drop me off first.
Oh, we won't, Mickey. Where...
where should I turn?
I don't know.
You don't know?
Well, I just moved in a
couple of months ago.
Ok, well... well, can you give
me something, a... a landmark?
I live next door
to the Johnsons.
They're colored.
Ok.
♪
Hello, young lovers.
Attaboy, arty.
Hey, Chicky!
To life! To love!
To the ladies.
I'll drink to that.
May I freshen your
Rusty nail, enid?
You aren't goin'
anywhere, fella.
I aims to please.
Hey, Carrie! He's in this one!
Hey, Douglas! Welcome!
I want you to meet the gang.
That's Chick and Monica.
How do you do? Hi, how are ya?
And this young lady is enid.
Pleasure to meet you.
A delightful morsel, am I right?
Oh, yes. She's very... can I
see you for a second, please?
What the hell's goin' on? You're
supposed to be back by 10:00.
And I will. What time is it now?
It's 1:30 in the morning!
Wow!
Sorry, big guy. Truth is,
I have something marvelous
going on with enid.
Enid, huh?
Yeah.
She's not bad.
Kind of has that
worldly, smoky quality.
So, can you buy
me a little time?
I'm gonna level
with you, Arthur.
Dad? We're dead men.
He's fine. I told
you he was fine.
Dad... dad, what
have you been doing?
I have been worried half
out of my mind about you!
Any chance we can discuss
this later, darling?
Maybe tomorrow?
Have you been
drinking hard liquor?
I may have had a sip
or two of a Rob Roy.
Why do you ask?
Because you have half a liver,
and you're on 9 medications
that say, "do not
take with alcohol."
That's why I ask.
Wow, you weren't kiddin', arty.
Short leash.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Chick Dugan.
Who are you, his nurse?
No, I am his daughter,
and we are in the middle
of a private conversation,
so why don't you go shake
down the vending machines?
Ooh, excuse me.
That's why I like
'em post-menopause.
Oh, I hear that.
Listen, darling, why don't
you kids head for home...
Oh, dad, don't be ridiculous.
It's almost 2:00 in the morning.
Now, we're going home. Say
goodbye to your friends.
I'll meet you in the car.
Come on, Arthur. We should...
we should get going.
Right.
Arty, take care of yourself.
You, too, kiddo.
All right. Come on, partner.
Let's go, huh?
Plenty more where
that came from.
Sure.
The living room is
filled with adventure.
Dad, come inside! What
are you gonna do,
sleep in the car?
Good night!
How dare you?
How dare me? How dare you?
No, how dare you?
How dare you?
All right, let's just
get the fight going.
You humiliated me in
front of my friends.
I got news for you, sweetheart.
You're my daughter,
not the other way around!
Well, if you don't want to
be treated like a child,
then don't act like one.
I did not act like a child!
Dad, you ran off, you didn't call,
you didn't leave a message,
you were drinking, and I gotta
be honest with you, dad, ok?
Your date looked like a pro.
How dare you?
Ok, let's not backtrack.
I've got news for
you, sweetheart.
Tonight was the first
night I felt alive
since you dragged
me into this house.
But you couldn't stand to
see it, could you? No!
You had to hobble me,
like that fat broad in misery.
I am not trying to
hobble you, dad.
I am trying to look after you.
I care about you, that's all.
Douglas, I appeal to you.
Am I crazy, or did
she spill my plums
all over that barroom floor?
Actually, I gotta tell you, hon,
you were a little rough
on him back there.
You were.
All right, don't you
start in on me,
because this is your fault, too.
My fault? Yes!
All you had to do
was drop him off
at the senior center.
Simple thing.
He's a grown man. He wanted out.
What am I gonna do,
lock him in the car?
Yes! You can lock all the
doors from the driver's side!
I showed you that!
If it didn't happen tonight,
it was gonna happen eventually.
I gotta be honest with you.
I've been observing you
for quite a while,
and you've been stifling him.
Stifling him? Is that what
you've observed, Doug?
Yeah, yeah. Oh. Oh, oh, ok.
'Cause I thought your view
might've been blocked
by the dorito bag you
always have your head in.
How dare you?
All right. Anyway,
what I'm sayin' is,
just back off him, ok?
You've been running his
life like a drill sergeant.
Oh. Really?
And... and what, you
think you can do better?
I would've made some
different choices, yeah.
Would ya?
Indeed, I would.
Indeed, you would? Hmm.
Ok, ok. Obviously I'm
in the wrong here.
I mean, you think so.
He thinks so.
Even Chick thinks so.
So, um, you know what?
As of this moment,
I am out of it.
You can make all the decisions.
He belongs to you.
Fine. I'll do it.
It's no big deal.
Ok. Just... that works
for you, too, dad?
Douglas would be a
breath of fresh air.
Ok. Well, have fun, ladies.
Oh, we'll have more
than fun, Mary Jane.
We'll have so much damn fun,
the neighbors will
think it's weird.
Ok.
All right, art deco.
Give me an update.
How are we lookin'
with the waffle iron?
It would appear to have
reached optimal temperature.
Now hit me with a load
of Dougie batter.
Let's start with the waffles
and see what happens, huh?
Ah, the sound of good eatin'.
Good mornin'.
Oh, hello.
What've you guys got
goin' on there?
We're livin' our life.
Now, back off, sister!
Easy. I'm just
getting some juice.
By the by, Douglas, I wanna take
this opportunity to thank you
for involving me in the
morning goings-on.
Oh, well, you're very
welcome, Arthur.
And may I add that your wisdom
has enriched the
waffle-making process.
Kudos on the nutmeg.
I surely appreciate that.
Oh, it's, uh, right
around the time
when my pills are usually
forced down my gullet.
Douglas, do you mind
if I take them later,
of my own volition?
I don't know what
"volition" means,
but I certainly understand
"later." That'd be fine.
Thank you for that
shred of respect.
Well, I gotta say,
this is working
out delightfully.
I mean, everything's
under control,
wafflemania's in progress,
and guess who's got
a free afternoon
to get a manicure? Hi, me!
Oh, look, Douglas. Scissors.
May I run with them?
Be my guest, Arthur.
Ooh, look!
I'm running with the scissors,
and I'm not dead!
Whoo-hoo, look at me!
Good one.
Oh, watch this.
Oh, look, a fork.
Douglas, do you mind if I
stick it in the toaster?
Actually, yes. Don't do that.
Ok, guys, I'm going.
Doug, don't forget to run
his errands with him.
Errands?
You call this a haircut?
Where are the blond highlights?
I don't care if your sign says "no
shoes, no shirt, no service."
I want my wind chimes!
Sorry, Douglas. It
used to be here.
Son of a gun. Not here, either.
Be patient, Douglas.
It's very hard to
find parking here.
I don't care how many
tattoos you've got.
You mess with me, you
mess with my son-in-law!
What a day, what a way.
Am I right, Douglas?
I don't know.
Boy, I'm starving.
What's for dinner, hop sing?
I don't know. What do you...
what do you want?
Cake.
Cake? You can't have
cake for dinner.
Ok, then jambalaya.
I'll make you a grilled cheese.
I love it.
You know what? Here.
Have a mini-doughnut.
It'll tide you over till dinner.
Don't mind if I do.
Whoo.
Douglas, quick question.
Is the room listing
severely to the left?
Nope.
Then I may need my medication.
You didn't take your pills?
I... apparently not.
Arthur, you said you
were gonna take them!
I was drunk with freedom.
All right, what do
we start with here?
Hang on, hang on.
Start with the ear drops in,
and for God's sakes,
hurry.
Well, there are 3 droppers here,
and none of them
say "ear" on it.
Oh, God. It's Carrie.
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Everything ok here?
Couldn't be better.
Well, I gotta hand
it to you guys.
I had a good day,
and it looks like
you had a good day, too.
Oh, yeah. Great day, great day.
Just gonna throw in the
old ear drops now,
and, uh, that'll be it. Whoo!
Ok. But these are the ear drops.
If you wanna use the corn
remover, be my guest.
I don't want to micromanage.
Ok.
All right, hang on.
Relief is on the way.
All right, come here.
Tip your ears.
The other one, other one!
Good. There you go.
Ok, now we just gotta
get it in there.
Easy! I'm not a Martini.
All right, come on, relax. I
wanna make sure it's in there.
All right, now, pills, pills, pills.
Here we go.
All right, we got a red one, a
blue one, and a yellow one. Here.
I'm not taking big blue.
I hate those.
You gotta take your medicine.
Open up!
Dream on! Open the damn mouth!
No! Look at yourself, Douglas.
You're behaving just like her.
Oh, my God. You're... you know what?
You're absolutely right.
I'm... I'm... I'm...
I'm sorry, Arthur.
Apology accepted.
Yeah. Wow,
I-I'm just gonna get,
uh, dinner going.
I'm sorry about that. I
don't know what happened.
You know what? Just to
show I'm a good guy,
why don't you, uh,
why don't you have yourself
another mini... mini-doughnut
before dinner, huh?
Thank you, Douglas. Ok.
That's more like it.
Yeah.
I gotta tell you, Arthur,
you put up such a good fight,
it almost feels wrong to win.
What're you talkin' about?
I slipped big blue into
your mini-doughnut.
You scurvy son of a bitch!
Delightful sandwich.
What kind of cheese is this?
American.
Well, hats off to the Americans.
Glad you like it.
So what are you, uh,
what do you got goin'
on for tonight?
Remember my drinking buddy,
Chick, from the docks?
He got a tip on a
busted slot machine
in one of those Indian
casinos in Connecticut.
It's payin' off
like gangbusters.
Well, you... you wanna go
to Connecticut tonight?
Sure. Chick's corvair
is street-legal again,
and I just cashed in some c.Ds.
He's the wheels,
and I'm the bank.
Are you... are you insane, Arthur?
You're... you're not goin'.
Oh-ho-ho, I'm goin'.
Oh-ho-ho, no, you're not.
And who, pray tell,
is gonna stop me?
You're lookin' at him.
Oh-ho, Douglas, you
are priceless.
For the next 8 hours,
you won't be able
to stop yourself from droolin'.
What?
I jammed the rest
of the big blues
in your sandwich.
I was afraid you'd
notice, but fortunately,
you wolf down your food
like a rottweiler.
You drugged me?
Doesn't feel too good, does it?
So, bye-bye, sucker!
Enjoy the pretty colors!
♪
Doug?
Hey, honey!
Where... Where's my father?
Oh, he put the big blue pills
in my sandwich, and he ran way.
I love you!
Stay with me, honey.
Stay with me.
Where exactly did he go?
He went to a casino
in connec-I-ta-cut.
Ok, and when did he leave?
Well, that depends on when now is...
the... now.
Ok, I was gonna take a bath,
but searching casinos
in Connecticut
seems just as relaxing.
I tell you, Carrie,
you were right.
You take good care
of your father.
I was bad and stupid.
I know, honey.
All right, sleep it off.
All right. Ok.
Hey.
Great ass!
Thank you.
Yeah. This man in the
picture right here.
Have you seen him?
Oh, yes.
He's the one we call
"little yells a lot."
He left about 15 minutes ago.
your dinner's ready!
And for the 3rd time,
I'm still shaving my ears!
Well, hurry up.
You're gonna be late!
All right. Ready to
rock when you are.
Oh, come on. You're
wearing that?
What's wrong with my outfit?
Ok, outfit is an awfully big word for
what you've done here, my friend.
We're goin' to the circus.
What, I gotta throw on a tux
to watch a clown light
his ass on fire?
It's not a regular circus.
It's French. It's
Cirque de Soleil.
They have men with wings
dancing in the air.
More like Cirque de so gay.
And they have those
female contortionists,
you know, that bend their legs
all the way around the
back over the head.
That's where they
lose me, right there.
I need a little more distance
between the sun and the moon.
All right.
All right. Let's get
this over with.
Oh, dad, you look great!
Just promise you won't
bury me in this.
You're all over my clothes,
but he gets to wear a shirt
with anchors and ukuleles on it?
Yes. I told you, I signed dad up
for that package of theme dances
at the senior center.
Oh, that's right. Yeah,
the thing you told me
to act positive about
in front of him.
Yes, I did say to be positive
because it is a good thing.
Ahh!
Tonight's theme is Maui madness.
Well, I think you
look great, Arthur.
I like the way the purple brings
out the veins in your legs.
Outta here, get out.
What the hell do you
call this, anyway?
I call it fish,
like most people.
Is it too late to substitute
something enjoyable?
Dad, your cholesterol is
now, like, the low 700s.
Come on, the fish
is good for you.
I don't care. I want bacon.
Oh, ok. You want bacon?
I'll give you bacon.
Just make sure you
wave hi to grandma
as you're going towards
the light, ok?
Oh, my God. Doug, it's late.
Would you mind dropping dad
off at the senior center
while I finish getting ready?
Mind? You kiddin' me?
Between that and the French
circus, this is a dream night.
Ok, dad, come on. Medicine time.
Ok...
Red, yellow,
and big blue.
Good.
Ah. There. Happy?
Take big blue.
I took it.
See?
Get it out of your
sock and swallow it.
Yes, mein fuehrer!
Oh! I almost forgot something.
Eeh, yeah!
Oh, dad,
you look so adorable.
Ok, ok! Have a good time.
Bye-bye.
Is there any chance I can
use this to hang myself?
♪
Hey, hey.
The joint is really jumping.
Huh?
Look, there's your buddy Mickey.
Oh, aloha!
Ready to hang 10?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Let's go. Hurry!
All right, I'll see
you in a few hours.
Brutal.
♪
Hey, daddy-o!
♪
Howdy, pardner!
Come on.
What is wrong with that man?
So, it's outer space night, huh?
I like it a lot better
than pajama party night.
I gotta be honest. I didn't
expect to see so many negligees.
I mean, there were a few secrets
Victoria should have kept
to herself, am I right?
Pull over.
I'm sorry, what?
Pull the car over, Douglas.
Arthur, we're still
6 blocks away.
Do it.
Look, I... I think we're
in a bus Lane here.
Douglas, look me in the eye.
Hi.
You gotta help me out here.
I can't go to that place again.
I just can't.
Why not?
Have you taken a good look?
That place is like
death's greenroom.
Well, it's no Hooters,
I'll give you that.
But really, what is?
Listen to me.
I know this fellow named Chick.
He's hipped me to some
clubs down at the docks.
Let me go down there tonight.
The docks?
What am I supposed
to tell Carrie?
She doesn't have to know.
I'll be back at the
center by 10:00.
Douglas, I'm beggin'.
There's a taxi stand
at the corner.
Please give me back the night!
Go ahead. Go on. Get outta here.
Oh, thank you, friend!
So, you won't tell Carrie?
Tell Carrie what?
About our arrangement.
I know. I was doing the thing
where I pretend to not even
know what you're talkin' about.
I don't follow you.
Just go. Just go. Just go.
Right, right.
Wait, take... take
off your antennae!
Boy, some of these people
really went for it
with the space costumes, huh?
Oh, check out the guy
with the oxygen tanks.
Actually, I think
those are real.
So where's my dad? Why
hasn't he come out yet?
You know him.
He's probably stealing
some cookies or something.
Oh, hi, Mickey.
Hey, you're lookin' good there.
Oh, thank you.
If you ever get tired
of your big boy,
my planet needs women.
I'll let you know.
So, is my dad still in there?
He never showed up.
Funny story.
What the hell were you thinking?
He promised he'd
be back by 10:00.
Yeah, well, he also promised
to wear underwear
underneath his bathrobe,
but we know how that
worked out, don't we?
All right, well,
he's not at home,
and didn't leave a
message on the machine.
This is just great.
Will you relax, ok?
I know exactly where he is.
Oh, really? Would you
mind telling me?
He's down by the, uh, you know,
the, uh, docks.
The docks?
Oh, that sounds like a perfect
place for an old man with gout.
Where at the docks?
He didn't specify, but he did
tell me who he was gonna be with.
Who?
A gentleman named Chick.
Chick?
It's a nickname.
Probably short for...
Chicken.
I can't believe you
let him run off.
God, what if something
happened to him?
He can take care of himself.
Will you stop worryin'?
All right, now, we'll
go down there,
we'll check out a few places,
and I'm sure we'll find him.
Don't forget to
drop me off first.
Oh, we won't, Mickey. Where...
where should I turn?
I don't know.
You don't know?
Well, I just moved in a
couple of months ago.
Ok, well... well, can you give
me something, a... a landmark?
I live next door
to the Johnsons.
They're colored.
Ok.
♪
Hello, young lovers.
Attaboy, arty.
Hey, Chicky!
To life! To love!
To the ladies.
I'll drink to that.
May I freshen your
Rusty nail, enid?
You aren't goin'
anywhere, fella.
I aims to please.
Hey, Carrie! He's in this one!
Hey, Douglas! Welcome!
I want you to meet the gang.
That's Chick and Monica.
How do you do? Hi, how are ya?
And this young lady is enid.
Pleasure to meet you.
A delightful morsel, am I right?
Oh, yes. She's very... can I
see you for a second, please?
What the hell's goin' on? You're
supposed to be back by 10:00.
And I will. What time is it now?
It's 1:30 in the morning!
Wow!
Sorry, big guy. Truth is,
I have something marvelous
going on with enid.
Enid, huh?
Yeah.
She's not bad.
Kind of has that
worldly, smoky quality.
So, can you buy
me a little time?
I'm gonna level
with you, Arthur.
Dad? We're dead men.
He's fine. I told
you he was fine.
Dad... dad, what
have you been doing?
I have been worried half
out of my mind about you!
Any chance we can discuss
this later, darling?
Maybe tomorrow?
Have you been
drinking hard liquor?
I may have had a sip
or two of a Rob Roy.
Why do you ask?
Because you have half a liver,
and you're on 9 medications
that say, "do not
take with alcohol."
That's why I ask.
Wow, you weren't kiddin', arty.
Short leash.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Chick Dugan.
Who are you, his nurse?
No, I am his daughter,
and we are in the middle
of a private conversation,
so why don't you go shake
down the vending machines?
Ooh, excuse me.
That's why I like
'em post-menopause.
Oh, I hear that.
Listen, darling, why don't
you kids head for home...
Oh, dad, don't be ridiculous.
It's almost 2:00 in the morning.
Now, we're going home. Say
goodbye to your friends.
I'll meet you in the car.
Come on, Arthur. We should...
we should get going.
Right.
Arty, take care of yourself.
You, too, kiddo.
All right. Come on, partner.
Let's go, huh?
Plenty more where
that came from.
Sure.
The living room is
filled with adventure.
Dad, come inside! What
are you gonna do,
sleep in the car?
Good night!
How dare you?
How dare me? How dare you?
No, how dare you?
How dare you?
All right, let's just
get the fight going.
You humiliated me in
front of my friends.
I got news for you, sweetheart.
You're my daughter,
not the other way around!
Well, if you don't want to
be treated like a child,
then don't act like one.
I did not act like a child!
Dad, you ran off, you didn't call,
you didn't leave a message,
you were drinking, and I gotta
be honest with you, dad, ok?
Your date looked like a pro.
How dare you?
Ok, let's not backtrack.
I've got news for
you, sweetheart.
Tonight was the first
night I felt alive
since you dragged
me into this house.
But you couldn't stand to
see it, could you? No!
You had to hobble me,
like that fat broad in misery.
I am not trying to
hobble you, dad.
I am trying to look after you.
I care about you, that's all.
Douglas, I appeal to you.
Am I crazy, or did
she spill my plums
all over that barroom floor?
Actually, I gotta tell you, hon,
you were a little rough
on him back there.
You were.
All right, don't you
start in on me,
because this is your fault, too.
My fault? Yes!
All you had to do
was drop him off
at the senior center.
Simple thing.
He's a grown man. He wanted out.
What am I gonna do,
lock him in the car?
Yes! You can lock all the
doors from the driver's side!
I showed you that!
If it didn't happen tonight,
it was gonna happen eventually.
I gotta be honest with you.
I've been observing you
for quite a while,
and you've been stifling him.
Stifling him? Is that what
you've observed, Doug?
Yeah, yeah. Oh. Oh, oh, ok.
'Cause I thought your view
might've been blocked
by the dorito bag you
always have your head in.
How dare you?
All right. Anyway,
what I'm sayin' is,
just back off him, ok?
You've been running his
life like a drill sergeant.
Oh. Really?
And... and what, you
think you can do better?
I would've made some
different choices, yeah.
Would ya?
Indeed, I would.
Indeed, you would? Hmm.
Ok, ok. Obviously I'm
in the wrong here.
I mean, you think so.
He thinks so.
Even Chick thinks so.
So, um, you know what?
As of this moment,
I am out of it.
You can make all the decisions.
He belongs to you.
Fine. I'll do it.
It's no big deal.
Ok. Just... that works
for you, too, dad?
Douglas would be a
breath of fresh air.
Ok. Well, have fun, ladies.
Oh, we'll have more
than fun, Mary Jane.
We'll have so much damn fun,
the neighbors will
think it's weird.
Ok.
All right, art deco.
Give me an update.
How are we lookin'
with the waffle iron?
It would appear to have
reached optimal temperature.
Now hit me with a load
of Dougie batter.
Let's start with the waffles
and see what happens, huh?
Ah, the sound of good eatin'.
Good mornin'.
Oh, hello.
What've you guys got
goin' on there?
We're livin' our life.
Now, back off, sister!
Easy. I'm just
getting some juice.
By the by, Douglas, I wanna take
this opportunity to thank you
for involving me in the
morning goings-on.
Oh, well, you're very
welcome, Arthur.
And may I add that your wisdom
has enriched the
waffle-making process.
Kudos on the nutmeg.
I surely appreciate that.
Oh, it's, uh, right
around the time
when my pills are usually
forced down my gullet.
Douglas, do you mind
if I take them later,
of my own volition?
I don't know what
"volition" means,
but I certainly understand
"later." That'd be fine.
Thank you for that
shred of respect.
Well, I gotta say,
this is working
out delightfully.
I mean, everything's
under control,
wafflemania's in progress,
and guess who's got
a free afternoon
to get a manicure? Hi, me!
Oh, look, Douglas. Scissors.
May I run with them?
Be my guest, Arthur.
Ooh, look!
I'm running with the scissors,
and I'm not dead!
Whoo-hoo, look at me!
Good one.
Oh, watch this.
Oh, look, a fork.
Douglas, do you mind if I
stick it in the toaster?
Actually, yes. Don't do that.
Ok, guys, I'm going.
Doug, don't forget to run
his errands with him.
Errands?
You call this a haircut?
Where are the blond highlights?
I don't care if your sign says "no
shoes, no shirt, no service."
I want my wind chimes!
Sorry, Douglas. It
used to be here.
Son of a gun. Not here, either.
Be patient, Douglas.
It's very hard to
find parking here.
I don't care how many
tattoos you've got.
You mess with me, you
mess with my son-in-law!
What a day, what a way.
Am I right, Douglas?
I don't know.
Boy, I'm starving.
What's for dinner, hop sing?
I don't know. What do you...
what do you want?
Cake.
Cake? You can't have
cake for dinner.
Ok, then jambalaya.
I'll make you a grilled cheese.
I love it.
You know what? Here.
Have a mini-doughnut.
It'll tide you over till dinner.
Don't mind if I do.
Whoo.
Douglas, quick question.
Is the room listing
severely to the left?
Nope.
Then I may need my medication.
You didn't take your pills?
I... apparently not.
Arthur, you said you
were gonna take them!
I was drunk with freedom.
All right, what do
we start with here?
Hang on, hang on.
Start with the ear drops in,
and for God's sakes,
hurry.
Well, there are 3 droppers here,
and none of them
say "ear" on it.
Oh, God. It's Carrie.
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Everything ok here?
Couldn't be better.
Well, I gotta hand
it to you guys.
I had a good day,
and it looks like
you had a good day, too.
Oh, yeah. Great day, great day.
Just gonna throw in the
old ear drops now,
and, uh, that'll be it. Whoo!
Ok. But these are the ear drops.
If you wanna use the corn
remover, be my guest.
I don't want to micromanage.
Ok.
All right, hang on.
Relief is on the way.
All right, come here.
Tip your ears.
The other one, other one!
Good. There you go.
Ok, now we just gotta
get it in there.
Easy! I'm not a Martini.
All right, come on, relax. I
wanna make sure it's in there.
All right, now, pills, pills, pills.
Here we go.
All right, we got a red one, a
blue one, and a yellow one. Here.
I'm not taking big blue.
I hate those.
You gotta take your medicine.
Open up!
Dream on! Open the damn mouth!
No! Look at yourself, Douglas.
You're behaving just like her.
Oh, my God. You're... you know what?
You're absolutely right.
I'm... I'm... I'm...
I'm sorry, Arthur.
Apology accepted.
Yeah. Wow,
I-I'm just gonna get,
uh, dinner going.
I'm sorry about that. I
don't know what happened.
You know what? Just to
show I'm a good guy,
why don't you, uh,
why don't you have yourself
another mini... mini-doughnut
before dinner, huh?
Thank you, Douglas. Ok.
That's more like it.
Yeah.
I gotta tell you, Arthur,
you put up such a good fight,
it almost feels wrong to win.
What're you talkin' about?
I slipped big blue into
your mini-doughnut.
You scurvy son of a bitch!
Delightful sandwich.
What kind of cheese is this?
American.
Well, hats off to the Americans.
Glad you like it.
So what are you, uh,
what do you got goin'
on for tonight?
Remember my drinking buddy,
Chick, from the docks?
He got a tip on a
busted slot machine
in one of those Indian
casinos in Connecticut.
It's payin' off
like gangbusters.
Well, you... you wanna go
to Connecticut tonight?
Sure. Chick's corvair
is street-legal again,
and I just cashed in some c.Ds.
He's the wheels,
and I'm the bank.
Are you... are you insane, Arthur?
You're... you're not goin'.
Oh-ho-ho, I'm goin'.
Oh-ho-ho, no, you're not.
And who, pray tell,
is gonna stop me?
You're lookin' at him.
Oh-ho, Douglas, you
are priceless.
For the next 8 hours,
you won't be able
to stop yourself from droolin'.
What?
I jammed the rest
of the big blues
in your sandwich.
I was afraid you'd
notice, but fortunately,
you wolf down your food
like a rottweiler.
You drugged me?
Doesn't feel too good, does it?
So, bye-bye, sucker!
Enjoy the pretty colors!
♪
Doug?
Hey, honey!
Where... Where's my father?
Oh, he put the big blue pills
in my sandwich, and he ran way.
I love you!
Stay with me, honey.
Stay with me.
Where exactly did he go?
He went to a casino
in connec-I-ta-cut.
Ok, and when did he leave?
Well, that depends on when now is...
the... now.
Ok, I was gonna take a bath,
but searching casinos
in Connecticut
seems just as relaxing.
I tell you, Carrie,
you were right.
You take good care
of your father.
I was bad and stupid.
I know, honey.
All right, sleep it off.
All right. Ok.
Hey.
Great ass!
Thank you.
Yeah. This man in the
picture right here.
Have you seen him?
Oh, yes.
He's the one we call
"little yells a lot."
He left about 15 minutes ago.