The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 16 - Horizontal Hold - full transcript

All right, Friday it is.

I'll see you then. Bye-bye now.

Ah, this sticks on ice.

What's goin' on?

Remember that Mrs. buxraum character
over at the senior center?

Oh, yeah.

She's the one who gives me tootsie
rolls and calls me Evelyn.

How's she doin'?

Dead.

So I'm guessin' that wasn't her.

No, it was her
stupid cousin Judy.



She must've heard through
the grapevine I was single

'cause she was rubbin' up against
me all during the funeral.

You like rubbing.
What's the problem?

She's not my type.

I'm small and pushy. I like 'em big
and scared of their own shadows.

So why're you goin'
out with her?

Wanna get her off my back.

But I'm not spendin' a dime
on her, I'll tell you that.

I invited her here where
we can eat for free.

Dad, the food here ain't free.

It is for me.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What?

A roach, a roach. It was
near the refrigerator.

Oh, my God. It just
went under it.



That's not a roach.
That's a baby frog.

Dad, I think I know what a
roach looks like. Doug!

That was a baby frog. I used to
race 'em down in cajun country.

Would you stop it? Doug!

What?

There's a baby
frog in the house.

It's a roach.

Ah, you don't know your
ass from your elbow.

Well, where is it?

He was near the refrigerator.

Oh, there he is! Kill him.
Kill him.

Just get some raid.

Ok, ok.

Hurry up.

I'm looking.

Come on, I got him
cornered here.

Here, here.

Ok, this is oven cleaner.

We don't have raid. Just...
just spray him.

Ew. Is he dead?

I can't tell, but he's
blind and he's sizzling.

Just pick him up. Pick him up.

All right. Ok.

All right, I got him.
Oh, my God, he's big.

Don't. Stop it. Stop!

There's probably a whole
village of 'em under there,

and it's all your fault. What?

Yeah, when you broke
the snapple bottle,

I told you, you have to pull the
refrigerator out and clean underneath it.

Ok, you know what? I broke
that bottle a year ago.

For the love of God, move on.

It's not funny. We're
probably infested.

I'll do it tomorrow.

No, I'm gonna find them in
my bed tonight. Do it now.

You're trembling.

Cut it out. Stop it.

What are you doing?

What am I doing?

I'm calming you with
my manly caresses.

Doug, if you think sex is
gonna get you out of this,

you are very, very wrong.

And yet I'm gonna
go for it anyway.

I'm very annoyed
at you, you know.

Hmm, and that only arouses me.

And you know what else?

I left a wet towel on
the bathroom floor.

That's pretty annoying, huh?

Actually, that really is.

Come on, carry me upstairs
and have your way with me.

Just lift with your legs.

Deac?

Yeah.

Hey, can I whip you up
a breakfast burrito?

No, thanks.

Denver omelet?

Nope. Uh, I'm good.

Blintzes?

Still no.

Hey, how'd that massage pillow
work out for you last night?

Uh, great. Um, thanks.

Hey, gettin' tossed out by
your wife is tough enough,

I mean, you don't want to replace one
pain in the neck with the other one.

Am I right, huh? Who's with me?

Answer the door.

Hey, man. Hey.

Hey, you got time
for some breakfast?

Uh, no. Uh, we... we
gotta get to work

or all... all the good
trucks are gonna be taken.

Oh, got you.

Oh, hey, any idea
when you'll be back?

'Cause, uh, I was gonna
rent blues brothers 2000.

Director's cut!

Man, it's brutal in there.

Ah, come on. He means well.

He's smothering me. You know
what he did last night?

He drew me a bath.

Drew me a bath.

I had sex last night.

Unscheduled.

Idiot.

Ow!

Hey, how was work?

That was very reckless.

You leave the refrigerator in
the middle of the kitchen.

Excuse me, I was just doin'
what you asked me to do.

Then the phone rang,
I got distracted.

You got distracted by the phone?

Yes, I'm easily distracted.

What happens when
the doorbell rings?

You wet yourself?

Oh, that's very clever, Carrie,

'cause nervous
disorders are funny.

All right, now I know.

And apparently, putting the
milk away was too much for you,

even though the fridge is now
one inch from the table.

The phone rang!

You know, I broke a
nail putting it back.

So, buy another one.

You know what, Doug? You always
give me this excuse crap,

and it drives me insane.

"I had to go to work,
the game was on,

I smelled cheese."

I mean, are you incredibly lazy,

or do you... Do
you just hate me?

60-40.

Ha, ha. Jerk.

Ah, come on.

Would you just go down
there and finish?

God. I'm exhausted. I'm just...
I'm gonna go to bed.

Come... come on,
car, I'm sorry, ok?

I'm a bad boy.

Punish me.

Leave me alone.

Come on, let's do stuff.

Made you feel better
last night, right? Mmm.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I just read an article about
exactly what we're doing.

Really? Were there pictures?

No. It was about couples

who... who substitute
sex for communication.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

That's what we do.

Right, right.

Take your pants off.

Doug, think about it.

Last night, I was upset
with you about the fridge,

and how'd it end up? With sex.

And then we were just about
to do the same thing tonight.

Well, it's better than
fighting, isn't it?

Doug, it's not just
when we're fighting.

We fall back on
sex all the time.

When we're mad,
when we're happy.

When there's nothing
good on T.V.

So?

So, the article said

if couples do not explore other
aspects of their relationship,

it could hurt their marriage,

you know, down the line.

Carrie, believe me.

I would never do anything
to hurt what we have, ever.

Now offee with the pants.

What are you,

Benny hill over here?

Can we have a conversation
about this, please?

Fine. So we fall back
on sex once in a while.

What the hell can
we do about it?

Well, it's funny
that you should ask.

The author of this article,

who is a psychologist
by the way,

suggests that couples
take a respite.

Which means rest,

from sex, while they explore other
areas of their relationship.

Ok, fair enough. Fair enough.

Now, I just read an
article in penthouse

by a sexologist...

Doug, could you take
this seriously, please?

I'm sorry. But this
is crazy, Carrie.

I mean, yesterday
everything was fine,

and today you're telling
me we have too much sex.

I mean, most people would
die for that problem.

Oh, really? Really? Deacon and
Kelly had sex all the time.

And now their
marriage is a mess.

Ok, you don't know that too
much sex was the reason.

No, but I know that something
was obviously missing there.

And now it might be
too late to fix it.

Do you want that
to happen to us?

Of course not. Honey...

All right, so,

so how long will this
no-sex thing be for?

2 weeks.

2 weeks!

That's what the article said.

Well, why'd you have to go
and read in the first place?

Show-off.

Doug, come on. It's not that bad.
We've gone 2 weeks before.

Maybe you have.

Come on, it's not that long.

And... and, look, we'll
channel all that extra energy

into making the rest of
our relationship better.

And at the end of the 2
weeks, the forbidden fruit

will taste that much
sweeter, don't you think?

Ok, I'm on board.

Thank you. I love you.

I'll tell you, I just wish I
would have known about this ban

before last night's sex.

I probably would've
concentrated more.

Doug? Yeah.

Get out of there.

You have a lovely home, Artie.

I really like it.

Thank you.

H...

That's nice.

Tell me, have you had
tuberculosis long?

Oh, Artie, you're a caution.

Oh, my children are home.
Excuse me.

Hey kids, this is Judy.

Hi, there.

Hello. Nice to meet you.

Douglas, very discreetly,

I need you to set
the drapes on fire.

Oh, things aren't
going so well, huh?

It's torture. She's diseased
and incredibly boring.

Be right with you, dear.

Can you help me out, huh?

Sorry. I've got my
own problems, guy.

Wow, you're dad's really
in agony down there, huh?

Yeah, that Judy is a rough
stretch of highway, huh?

Actually, if she wasn't his date,
I'd be jumping her as we speak.

Come on, we're doing
great without sex.

We had a nice dinner,
we saw a good movie.

It was a good movie.

So now we're home.

Now we're home.

What to do? What to do?

Hey, why don't we just talk?

Talk?

Yeah, why not?

All right, let's
talk our brains out.

All right.

Here we go.

Let's talk.

Gonna do some talkin'.

Conversation.

You know, the faster you eat
it, the better it tastes.

That's their slogan actually.

Oh. What brand is it?

Uh, fast cake.

Oh.

I beg your pardon.

Oh, it's 9:30,

the witching hour.

Well, maybe for you.

Me, I can stay up all night.

I'm used to serving drinks
until 5:00 in the morning.

Really? How fascinating.

I'll get your coat.

Yep. You had to be on your toes

when you served the big boys.

Sure.

Like take Sinatra, for example.

You got the drink
order wrong for him,

next thing you knew,
you were wearing it.

You, uh, you served
drinks to Frank Sinatra?

Oh, I served him a lot
more than drinks.

Well, good night, Artie.
Thanks for the laughs.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're talkin' about Frank Sinatra sr.
Here, right?

Old blue eyes himself.

Well, then where the hell
are you going, baby?

What about politics?

We never talk about politics.

Ok.

Ok, politics.

I'll take politics
for 200, Alex.

All right, I'll get the
party started here.

Uh, in the last election,

how did you vote on prop 17?

Uh, I voted no.

Really. Why?

Well, I... I vote with a system.

No, yes, no, yes,
no, yes, no, yes.

So you just alternate?

Yes, that's my system.

Right, right.

Uh, how about you?

I voted yes. I voted yes.

Hmm. Yeah.

At least I think I did,

unless I left a hanging Chad.

Oh, right. 'Cause of the, uh, thing.
Right.

It's open.

Hey, man.

Hey, man.

Hey, Spence. It's Doug.

Hi, Doug!

Hey, I'm making Deacon a
grilled-cheese sandwich. You want one?

No, I'm... I'm good.

Bring him one of those
international beers.

And one for me, too.

You got it, bro.

You the man.

No, you're the man.

What the hell's going on here?

Why's he "the man" now?

I don't know, man. At a certain
point I just said why fight it?

You know what? It's fantastic.

He cooks for me. He
cleans up after me.

He's like my own
little Gilligan.

Great. Glad one of our
relationships is clickin'.

Hey, Doug. What's up, man?
All right.

Here is your bottle
of laymenbourd.

Thank you.

And Doug, I brought you a tika.

That is a pale ale
from French Guyana.

You got Schmidt's

Try it. It's smooth.

What's goin' on, man? Uh, you and...
you and Carrie having some problems?

Aw, what's the matter?

Oh, man, it's brutal. She...

She decided she wanted
to ban sex for 2 weeks.

With you or with anybody?

Oh, no, you didn't.

All right, would you idiots shut up!
I got a real problem here.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry, man.

So, um, she banned sex?

A week ago. You know, she said it
keeps us from "communicating."

So we... we tried to
communicate, and, guess what?

We got nothin'. Zippo.

What?

It's true. I mean, without sex, my
marriage is like a bad first date.

Except this one I can't
just ditch at the diner.

Well, don't... don't worry about it, man.
I mean, you gotta work at it.

Hey, Deac and I, this didn't
come together over night.

Hey, good cookin' don't hurt.

Stop it.

You can't stop the truth.
You punish that kitchen.

A little encouragement
doesn't hurt.

This guy, what're you
going to do with him?

No, you... No, you.

Goodbye.

Oh, crap, there's another one.

How'd you like me to come under the
fridge and ruin your sex life?

Douglas, I hate to interrupt what appears
to be some kind of herky-jerky dance,

but I was wondering if you happen to
have any oysters on the half shell?

Not on me, no. What's going on?

I've got my lady friend downstairs, and
I'm this close to closing the deal.

And when I do, Douglas,

I'm goin' to do her my way.

Ok, let me be the
first to say "brosh."

And 2nd of all, what are you talking about?
I thought you hated her.

That was before I found out she's
been intimate with Mr. Frank Sinatra.

So? So, don't you get it?

If I get in there, it's like
I've been with Sinatra.

You do realize he's a man?

Lover!

On my way, you cuckoo broad.

Hey! Hey.

Honey, this is the
answer to our problem.

"101 ways to make love
without doing it."

I got that on campus today.

Yeah!

Ok. Here we go. You ready?

All right.

Number 1.

"Tell the other person
you love them."

Doug, I love you.

I love you, too, Carrie.

That was great. I
need a cigarette.

Ok, movin' on. Number 2.

"Give or get a hug."

All righty.

"Start a scrapbook."

Ok. "Give each other pet names."

Play footsie." Oh,
that might be fun.

Let's play footsie.

All right. All right. Here we go.
Up here.

Ok.

Ok. I guess, uh, footsie pretty
much has to be a spontaneous thing.

Yeah, and even then, hmm.

Ok. Number 8. "Kiss."

Kiss? That's a good one.
Let's kiss.

Ok. Yeah. It's like
we're teenagers again.

Yeah. Ok. All right.

Shall I keep my eyes
open or closed?

Couldn't care less.

Ok.

No. Doug, come on.

Come on!

Are you on board
with this or not?

Yes. That's how I kiss.

Fine, you know what? I'm...

I'm not on board with
this, all right?

I mean, I finally figured
out what our problem is.

What?

We had no problem.
That's the problem.

Our relationship was great
until you banned sex.

No, Doug, we were
avoiding communication.

No, we weren't. We were...

Carrie, can I tell
you a little story?

Sure.

It's about a tasty
beverage called Coca-Cola,

invented some time in the 1600s.

Anyway, it was sweet.
It was refreshing.

Stores couldn't
keep it in stock.

Kids wanted it like Wonka
bars, and times were good.

Is this your way of tellin'
me we're running out of coke?

No, it's not! Although
we are running low,

so you might want
to get on that.

Anyway, can I finish
my story, please?

So one day, one... And
baloney, get baloney.

One day, one of the geniuses

working at the coke factory,

probably after
reading an article,

said to himself, "you know what,
I want to make coke better."

And you know what
they came out with?

New coke.

Or as I like to call
it, syrupy piss water.

You finished a pound of baloney?
I just bought that.

Ok. You're not listening
to me here, ok?

The point is... It was
sliced very thin.

But it's still a pound.

Can I bring my point home?

Yes.

The point is, that's what you're
doing with our relationship.

You're screwing around
with the formula.

And you... You don't have to.

It's... it's great what we have.

I don't... I just...

I just felt like we
needed to talk more.

We talk all the time. We just...

We don't talk about
library propositions.

We talk about food,
what's on T.V.

We make fun of strangers,
and damn it, it works!

She works.

You know what? That's it.
I'm not reading anymore.

There you go.

Ok, so is this... Is this over?

It's over.

Thank God.

Now we can get back to talking
like normal people again.

Welcome back,

Fornication.

Hey, man.

Hi.

Perfect timing. The game just started,
and I got a pizza on the way.

Right, right.

You ok, man?

Yeah, I'm fine. Fine.

The thing is I read
this article today.

2 weeks?