The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 15 - Deacon Blues - full transcript
Doug sees Deacon with another woman while he told Kelly he had to work late.
Hello.
Oh, hey, Arthur. It's me, Doug.
What can I do you for?
Actually, I just called to check
the messages off of the machine.
So hang up and I'll
call right back.
Gotcha. Ok.
Hello.
Arthur, didn't I just
ask you not to pick up?
No. You said I should hang up
and you'd call right back.
Ok, what I meant was I wanted
the machine to get it, not you.
I'm trying to check my messages.
You want me to just
check 'em for you?
No, no. Thank you. No.
Last time you did that you
erased all the messages
and our outgoing messages
and unplugged the lamp.
Just let it ring, ok?
It's your world, I
just live in it.
Hello.
Arthur, what did I just say?
I'm sorry. It's habit.
Well, do me favor,
break the habit, ok?
I'm running out of
freakin' change here.
Fine.
Hello.
Arthur, what is this? Some
kind of sick little joke?
I'm sorry. I've been answering
the phone my whole life.
You're asking me
to undo 75 years
of instinct in a moment.
That is not easy!
Just don't pick up!
Fine. I'm going
downstairs to lie down.
Well, thank you.
Hello.
Arthur! Oh, God!
Baby, you ready?
Let's hit it.
Cowboy boots?
That's right, ma'am.
So, what, you gonna go and rope
yourself a meatball sandwich?
I like 'em, plus they were
on sale at thom mcan.
Honey, just because
something is on sale,
doesn't mean you have to buy it.
We discussed this
when you came home
with the microscope.
Now, go on. Go change.
Fine, I'll change, but
not 'cause of you.
Only 'cause they hurt like hell.
Hello?
Hey, it's me.
We were just about out the door.
What's up?
I'm glad I caught you. We're going
to have to cancel on you tonight.
Oh, why?
Deacon has to work late again.
Oh, that's crappy. How about
we do something tomorrow?
What about brunch over here?
I'll see you then. Ok.
Bye. Bye.
All right, got my sneakers on.
The spotlight's back on your now.
Happy?
Kelly just called and canceled.
Deacon has to work late tonight.
Really?
Hmm.
So you wanna just do take-out?
All right. How about Italian?
Honey, how about we do Chinese?
You wanna try that new
place, tung shing house?
You had me at tung.
Hi, how you doin'? Uh, my
wife called in an order.
And what is your last name?
Hello, sir.
I'm... I'm sorry. You just...
You threw me with the
British thing there.
I grew up in Hong Kong.
I apologize if I'm not
ethnic enough for you.
Would you like me to
chink it up a little?
Che-chi-Cho- chee-chee-chi-Cho.
No, no, no, no, no.
Please, it's no bother.
I'd love to.
Hoy chee guy ko Lee may Nai...
No, no, no, no!
The name's Heffernan.
It's right there.
Ah, $18.50.
Ok.
It'll be ready in a moment.
All right.
Thanks.
Hey, man!
Hey!
Hey.
What's going on there, chiefy?
Nothing much. Just, uh...
Just having some dinner.
Dinner. Big fan.
No secret there, though, huh?
Right, right.
So I thought you were...
So who's your friend here?
Uh...
Doug, this is Angie.
Hi, hi. How you doing?
Nice to meet you.
Deacon's told me
a lot about you.
Has he? 'Cause, uh...
He hasn't told me that much about...
wha... hmm?
Oh, gosh. I guess
my order's ready.
Ok, uh, I guess I will
see you tomorrow.
I will see you whenever or not.
Either way, it was a plea...
Ok. Comin'. Ok.
I got to go. All right.
I know this looks
a little weird.
No, no. You're just
pretending to work late
to meet with your
lovely vacation planner
because you're going to surprise
Kelly with a trip to oahu.
No.
Puerto Rico? No.
Amish country? Give
me amish country.
No, man, no.
Then what?
It's what it looks
like, all right?
I can't believe this, man.
American g.I.,
your "a" number one
good time order ready.
That's enough of that, ok?
I get it.
Look, I should get back.
Just be cool about this,
and I promise we'll
talk tomorrow, ok?
We'll talk tomorrow.
You call this a
family restaurant.
So I looked her
square in the eyes
and said, "ma'am, you
are undoubtedly"
the most fetching woman
in all of shreveport."
And what did she say?
My good sir,
I do believe you've
given me the vapors.
Nice. Then what happened?
I knocked the barbecue
out of her hand,
bent her over the porch railing,
and said, "I'll give you
more than vapors, you..."
ok, enough!
Charming story gone very wrong.
What's going on with
you two over there?
I'm fine.
You haven't eaten a thing.
Yeah, you know what? I'm... I'm
really not... I'm not hungry.
What?
I'm not hungry. That allowed?
It's allowed.
Just never heard you say it.
And what's your story?
Uh, nothing. Just... just tired.
Well, if you could tell
your boss maybe one time
that you can't work late.
It doesn't work that way.
Well, why is it always
you that has to stay?
How should I know?
Well, I'd say it's
pretty damn clear why.
You got some crap work,
give it to the colored guy.
There's nothing going on at work.
Now drop it.
Sure. Why not drop it?
By the way, how's the weather
in the town of young,
white male-ville, huh?
Oh, for God's sakes,
everyone has to work late.
I work late all the time.
No, you don't.
Sure, I do.
When?
Actually, I have to work
late this coming Thursday.
Now, can we please,
in the sweet name
of all that is holy
talk about something else?
Arthur, you were saying a story.
You had her bent over the railing.
Then what happened?
No, no, no. Wait a second.
I thought you had Knicks
tickets for Thursday?
I do. I guess I just won't
be able to use them.
Can I have 'em?
Yes, you may.
Sweet diggedy!
Oh, crap.
Honey, would you do me a
favor and grab me a sponge?
Yeah. You know what, Deac.
Why don't you give me a hand
in case the sponge is...
Up high.
You got it.
All right, you said you'd talk
to me today, so talk to me.
What's up? What's going on?
Angie's an old friend
from high school.
I hadn't seen her since,
but then she e-mailed me
a couple of months
ago, you know?
"How you doing?
What's going on?"
I e-mailed her back,
and things kind of
took off from there.
What did you go and
e-mail her back for?
There are plenty of other
things to do on the Internet.
You can get your
gambling, your porn...
All the other stuff.
It's just that...
Angie and I really
connect, you know?
We can talk.
With Kelly lately,
she's got her things goin'
on, I got my things,
and more and more it just seems
like our things are different.
Put your things that are
different together.
They did it with the Reese's peanut
butter cup, and it was a huge success.
Douglas, quick question.
What is it, Arthur?
Can I grab those knick
tickets from you now?
I'll give 'em to you later.
What if I don't see you later?
You live in our basement.
I will see you.
Give me a time.
Oh, my God.
3:00. A.m. or P.M.?
If it's a.m., I need to
move some things around.
Will you just leave us alone?
Fine!
Why didn't you tell me?
I haven't told anyone. I'm
not exactly proud of it.
Doug, honey, I think
you misunderstood.
I meant the indoor sponge,
not the outdoor sponge.
I was, uh, just talking
to Deac about my, uh...
Uh, Roy orbison
collectible plate.
Yeah, yeah.
D-Doug was saying how it may
or may not increase in value.
I hope it increases.
All right, well, my ears
are about to snap off.
I'm gonna head back inside.
Honey, you're getting
a snotsicle.
Look, we better get
back in there.
L-look, I hate to put you
in this position, man,
but please, just be cool for
a little while longer, ok?
All right.
Look, I got ranger
tickets for next month.
Don't blow that for me.
All right you guys,
thanks again.
It was great.
Let's do a movie this week.
Yeah, I'll call you.
Ok. Whoo! Good people.
Nice people.
Solid people.
Doug, honey, do I
strike you as stupid?
And/or unaware?
Nope. You are sharp as
a ginsu, pretty girl.
So then what's going on?
Not a thing.
Are you enjoying that
issue of Marie Claire?
Yes, I am.
By the way, I know
you're staring at me,
and it doesn't bother me a bit.
Stare all you want.
There's nothing goin' on.
In fact, what's
going on with you?
Yeah, maybe there's something
going on with you.
Maybe I should stare right back at you.
How would that feel, huh?
Eyes off!
All right, so let me
think about this.
You've been acting strange
ever since you came home from
the restaurant last night.
Did... did something
happen there?
Maybe, but I'm not at
liberty to discuss it.
Did what happen involve Deacon?
Because you guys have been
acting very weird this morning.
Perhaps, but once
again, not at liberty.
And you just got
those knick tickets,
so I know you're not
really working late.
Was Deacon really working
late last night,
or were you, like,
covering for him?
Ok, do you understand
the concept
of "not at liberty"?
If you called liberty right now,
I wouldn't be there.
When you picked up
the food last night,
did you... did you
see Deacon there?
With another woman?
Yes, but that's all
you're getting out of me.
Oh, my God. He's
having an affair?
You did not hear that from me, ok?
If it ever comes up,
you heard it from a
British Chinese guy.
Kelly is gonna be so devastated.
Oh, you're not planning
on telling Kelly?
Doug, the man is running
around behind her back
she has a right to know.
She's my best friend.
Well, he's my best friend,
and I promised I
wouldn't say anything.
Well, tough! Doug, I can't look
her in the eyes and not tell her.
So don't look at her eyes. Look
at her breasts. That's what I do!
Doug, listen to me.
Hon, I know this
is tough on you,
but it's tough on me, too.
I'm sorry. If Deacon
doesn't tell Kelly,
I'm gonna have to.
There you are.
Look, we, uh, we need to talk.
Yeah, I... I kinda need
to talk to you, too.
What's up? Man, I couldn't
even sleep last night.
I don't know, man, I... I just
feel like I... I really...
Hey, bergin, why don't you go
take that dog for a walk, huh?
Yeah, goodbye. Goodbye.
All right, go ahead.
I... I just feel like I
screwed up so bad, man.
And now I'm dragging
you into this.
I'm gonna pay you for those
knick tickets, all right?
You shut up. You think I
care about those, huh?
They were a gift
from Carrie's boss.
Right. Sorry.
Although they're
worth like, $160.
So if you want to toss me something,
that's your call. Whatever.
I gotta tell you, I did a lot
of thinking last night and...
And what?
I'm definitely gonna break
things off with Angie.
Excellent idea. That's it, man.
You break things off with Angie.
You tell Kelly, and everything's
back to ham and eggs.
Tell Kelly? Uh-uh. No, no, no.
No way, man.
Why not? I think you're
gonna be surprised.
She has very kind eyes.
Yo, she's hit me
with a frying pan,
and it ain't like
in cartoons, man.
That sucker hurts.
You know what? Let
me come at this
from a slightly different angle.
Carrie knows, and if you
don't tell Kelly, she will.
You told Carrie?
I can't believe you, man!
I didn't tell her. She
got it out of me.
How, Doug?
She stared at me.
Y-y-you just couldn't keep
your mouth shut, could you?
You know what you are?
You're a yenteh. I
am not a yenteh.
Yes, you are. Yenteh, yenteh...
Why are you giving me grief?
You're the one sleeping with
someone who's not your wife!
What are you talking about? I...
I never slept with Angie.
What?
I never slept with her.
I... I mean, I'm not sure
what would have happened,
but so far, all we've done is
meet for dinner, you know?
Talk.
Guy, am I crazy,
or is that not the kind of
information you lead with?
I guess what I figured what I was
doing was still kinda cheating.
No, it's not, you big dumb ox.
It's not that bad at all.
Now you tell Kelly.
I'll tell Carrie.
We can get on with our lives.
There.
We just cheated more
than you ever did.
Carrie!
In here!
Great news, my little chickie.
Turns out Deac is not
cheating with that woman.
What? What do you mean?
Just what I said.
He's not cheating.
He's had as much sex with her
as I've had with your dad.
And that's none.
But you saw them in the
restaurant together.
If they weren't having an
affair, what was going on?
They just meet for dinner.
They eat,
they talk, they connect.
And does Kelly know?
No.
Then he's still cheating.
No, he's not!
Yes, he is.
Doug, the man is
lying to his wife,
sneaking around
with another woman,
sharing intimate feelings.
That is cheating!
No, it isn't! Yes, it is!
No. You got to be
naked to cheat.
Wrong!
So you're telling me,
if I met a woman,
and then we went out
for a dinner or two,
and then say I forgot to
tell you about it, right?
I would be cheating? Yes!
Really? And that
would be just as bad
as if I actually slept with her?
Yes!
Good to know.
That's great.
That's really great, Doug.
Make your stupid little jokes,
but I got to tell
you, I am stunned
that on something as important
as the meaning of
marriage and commitment,
that we would be so far apart.
Yeah, well, we are, my friend.
You're way over there,
and I'm way over here.
Hello.
Oh, shut up.
I'll get it.
What do you want for dinner?
I don't care!
Deac, what's going on, man?
I told Kelly, and you know what?
You were wrong. It is
as bad as cheating.
I know. I'm in the middle
of the same argument.
She threw you out? Yeah.
With no shoes? Yeah.
And as hard as it is
to get a cab as a black man,
imagine trying to get one
as a black man with no shoes.
Hey, Carrie.
What does he want?
Easy, ok? He's been tossed out.
Shoeless.
I have nothing to say to him
or you or anybody else
on this whole sickening subject.
Excuse me.
Sit down, man.
Y-you're sure it's ok?
No, it is not ok!
Hey, you know what?
I figured out what
I want for dinner.
A nice, hot bowl
of shut-it stew!
Does he know that he has a baby?
Ha! You know what? I'm sorry.
I've had shut-it stew before,
and it sure as diddly
didn't taste like that!
Hey, man, maybe you better
stay in a motel tonight.
Yeah. No, wait. Kelly kicked
me out without my wallet.
Can you lend me a few bucks?
Oh, yeah, no problem.
Do not give him money!
Why not?
Because it's half mine,
and I don't want you to.
Well, fine, then I'll just
give him twice as much
from my half!
And you know what?
I'll drive him to
the motel myself
in my half of the car!
Come on, man.
Fine, and while you're gone,
I'm gonna bake you a
nice, warm, flaky
my-leg-in-your-ass-
up-to-my-knee pie for dessert.
That was such a reach.
What is the huge ruckus here?
It's all a man can do to take
a simple 4-hour nap.
I'm... I'm sorry, dad.
It's... it's Doug.
He's just got me so... Gosh!
What happened?
Ok, ok.
Let me ask you a question.
If someone is married
and then sneaks around
and has dinner with
another person
even though they are not
sleeping with that other person,
would you say that
that was wrong?
Look, darling, I
know Douglas isn't
the most physically
attractive man in the world,
but I beg you
not to jump ship just yet.
Now, I have a book downstairs
of special positions
for the overweight
that I think...
I think it could be a big help.
I am not talking about me.
I am talking about a friend.
And, uh, is that friend you?
No, it's not.
It's... it's Kelly.
And are you "Kelly"?
Dad, you don't have to
give Kelly air quotes
you know her.
Oh, my God!
How dare she cheat on that boy
while he's out working late
to pay for her fancy
creams and powders!
She's not doing anything. He is.
Oh, and then Doug
covers for him,
and like that's not bad enough,
he comes home tonight
all lit up and happy,
because, as it turns out,
Deacon hasn't slept with
this skankola, yet.
Like we should all give him some
fat, freakin' award for that.
I told Doug he was wrong,
and I'm just... I'm
so mad at him.
You're not mad at him.
Uh, trust me. I am.
No, no, honey.
You see, you and Doug
look to Deacon and Kelly
as an example of a
perfect couple.
Now that their supposedly
solid marriage is in trouble
you start to wonder.
Who's to say yours isn't next?
You're not angry, cookie.
You're scared.
Wow, dad. That was a
remarkably lucid thing to say.
Well, I'm coming
right out of a nap.
You're home.
Yeah. I'm home.
You've reached the Heffernan's.
We're not here to
take your call,
so leave a message.
Arthur, are you there?
Arthur, I just left the
house a few seconds ago
and you were there. Pick up.
Oh, no. I'm not falling
for your games, big boy.
Come on. Pick up.
I think I left the oven on
and the pilot light is broken.
No sale!
Arthur!
Arthur, come on, man!
I know you're there!
Pick up the damn phone!
Pick up the phone, old man!
Oh, hey, Arthur. It's me, Doug.
What can I do you for?
Actually, I just called to check
the messages off of the machine.
So hang up and I'll
call right back.
Gotcha. Ok.
Hello.
Arthur, didn't I just
ask you not to pick up?
No. You said I should hang up
and you'd call right back.
Ok, what I meant was I wanted
the machine to get it, not you.
I'm trying to check my messages.
You want me to just
check 'em for you?
No, no. Thank you. No.
Last time you did that you
erased all the messages
and our outgoing messages
and unplugged the lamp.
Just let it ring, ok?
It's your world, I
just live in it.
Hello.
Arthur, what did I just say?
I'm sorry. It's habit.
Well, do me favor,
break the habit, ok?
I'm running out of
freakin' change here.
Fine.
Hello.
Arthur, what is this? Some
kind of sick little joke?
I'm sorry. I've been answering
the phone my whole life.
You're asking me
to undo 75 years
of instinct in a moment.
That is not easy!
Just don't pick up!
Fine. I'm going
downstairs to lie down.
Well, thank you.
Hello.
Arthur! Oh, God!
Baby, you ready?
Let's hit it.
Cowboy boots?
That's right, ma'am.
So, what, you gonna go and rope
yourself a meatball sandwich?
I like 'em, plus they were
on sale at thom mcan.
Honey, just because
something is on sale,
doesn't mean you have to buy it.
We discussed this
when you came home
with the microscope.
Now, go on. Go change.
Fine, I'll change, but
not 'cause of you.
Only 'cause they hurt like hell.
Hello?
Hey, it's me.
We were just about out the door.
What's up?
I'm glad I caught you. We're going
to have to cancel on you tonight.
Oh, why?
Deacon has to work late again.
Oh, that's crappy. How about
we do something tomorrow?
What about brunch over here?
I'll see you then. Ok.
Bye. Bye.
All right, got my sneakers on.
The spotlight's back on your now.
Happy?
Kelly just called and canceled.
Deacon has to work late tonight.
Really?
Hmm.
So you wanna just do take-out?
All right. How about Italian?
Honey, how about we do Chinese?
You wanna try that new
place, tung shing house?
You had me at tung.
Hi, how you doin'? Uh, my
wife called in an order.
And what is your last name?
Hello, sir.
I'm... I'm sorry. You just...
You threw me with the
British thing there.
I grew up in Hong Kong.
I apologize if I'm not
ethnic enough for you.
Would you like me to
chink it up a little?
Che-chi-Cho- chee-chee-chi-Cho.
No, no, no, no, no.
Please, it's no bother.
I'd love to.
Hoy chee guy ko Lee may Nai...
No, no, no, no!
The name's Heffernan.
It's right there.
Ah, $18.50.
Ok.
It'll be ready in a moment.
All right.
Thanks.
Hey, man!
Hey!
Hey.
What's going on there, chiefy?
Nothing much. Just, uh...
Just having some dinner.
Dinner. Big fan.
No secret there, though, huh?
Right, right.
So I thought you were...
So who's your friend here?
Uh...
Doug, this is Angie.
Hi, hi. How you doing?
Nice to meet you.
Deacon's told me
a lot about you.
Has he? 'Cause, uh...
He hasn't told me that much about...
wha... hmm?
Oh, gosh. I guess
my order's ready.
Ok, uh, I guess I will
see you tomorrow.
I will see you whenever or not.
Either way, it was a plea...
Ok. Comin'. Ok.
I got to go. All right.
I know this looks
a little weird.
No, no. You're just
pretending to work late
to meet with your
lovely vacation planner
because you're going to surprise
Kelly with a trip to oahu.
No.
Puerto Rico? No.
Amish country? Give
me amish country.
No, man, no.
Then what?
It's what it looks
like, all right?
I can't believe this, man.
American g.I.,
your "a" number one
good time order ready.
That's enough of that, ok?
I get it.
Look, I should get back.
Just be cool about this,
and I promise we'll
talk tomorrow, ok?
We'll talk tomorrow.
You call this a
family restaurant.
So I looked her
square in the eyes
and said, "ma'am, you
are undoubtedly"
the most fetching woman
in all of shreveport."
And what did she say?
My good sir,
I do believe you've
given me the vapors.
Nice. Then what happened?
I knocked the barbecue
out of her hand,
bent her over the porch railing,
and said, "I'll give you
more than vapors, you..."
ok, enough!
Charming story gone very wrong.
What's going on with
you two over there?
I'm fine.
You haven't eaten a thing.
Yeah, you know what? I'm... I'm
really not... I'm not hungry.
What?
I'm not hungry. That allowed?
It's allowed.
Just never heard you say it.
And what's your story?
Uh, nothing. Just... just tired.
Well, if you could tell
your boss maybe one time
that you can't work late.
It doesn't work that way.
Well, why is it always
you that has to stay?
How should I know?
Well, I'd say it's
pretty damn clear why.
You got some crap work,
give it to the colored guy.
There's nothing going on at work.
Now drop it.
Sure. Why not drop it?
By the way, how's the weather
in the town of young,
white male-ville, huh?
Oh, for God's sakes,
everyone has to work late.
I work late all the time.
No, you don't.
Sure, I do.
When?
Actually, I have to work
late this coming Thursday.
Now, can we please,
in the sweet name
of all that is holy
talk about something else?
Arthur, you were saying a story.
You had her bent over the railing.
Then what happened?
No, no, no. Wait a second.
I thought you had Knicks
tickets for Thursday?
I do. I guess I just won't
be able to use them.
Can I have 'em?
Yes, you may.
Sweet diggedy!
Oh, crap.
Honey, would you do me a
favor and grab me a sponge?
Yeah. You know what, Deac.
Why don't you give me a hand
in case the sponge is...
Up high.
You got it.
All right, you said you'd talk
to me today, so talk to me.
What's up? What's going on?
Angie's an old friend
from high school.
I hadn't seen her since,
but then she e-mailed me
a couple of months
ago, you know?
"How you doing?
What's going on?"
I e-mailed her back,
and things kind of
took off from there.
What did you go and
e-mail her back for?
There are plenty of other
things to do on the Internet.
You can get your
gambling, your porn...
All the other stuff.
It's just that...
Angie and I really
connect, you know?
We can talk.
With Kelly lately,
she's got her things goin'
on, I got my things,
and more and more it just seems
like our things are different.
Put your things that are
different together.
They did it with the Reese's peanut
butter cup, and it was a huge success.
Douglas, quick question.
What is it, Arthur?
Can I grab those knick
tickets from you now?
I'll give 'em to you later.
What if I don't see you later?
You live in our basement.
I will see you.
Give me a time.
Oh, my God.
3:00. A.m. or P.M.?
If it's a.m., I need to
move some things around.
Will you just leave us alone?
Fine!
Why didn't you tell me?
I haven't told anyone. I'm
not exactly proud of it.
Doug, honey, I think
you misunderstood.
I meant the indoor sponge,
not the outdoor sponge.
I was, uh, just talking
to Deac about my, uh...
Uh, Roy orbison
collectible plate.
Yeah, yeah.
D-Doug was saying how it may
or may not increase in value.
I hope it increases.
All right, well, my ears
are about to snap off.
I'm gonna head back inside.
Honey, you're getting
a snotsicle.
Look, we better get
back in there.
L-look, I hate to put you
in this position, man,
but please, just be cool for
a little while longer, ok?
All right.
Look, I got ranger
tickets for next month.
Don't blow that for me.
All right you guys,
thanks again.
It was great.
Let's do a movie this week.
Yeah, I'll call you.
Ok. Whoo! Good people.
Nice people.
Solid people.
Doug, honey, do I
strike you as stupid?
And/or unaware?
Nope. You are sharp as
a ginsu, pretty girl.
So then what's going on?
Not a thing.
Are you enjoying that
issue of Marie Claire?
Yes, I am.
By the way, I know
you're staring at me,
and it doesn't bother me a bit.
Stare all you want.
There's nothing goin' on.
In fact, what's
going on with you?
Yeah, maybe there's something
going on with you.
Maybe I should stare right back at you.
How would that feel, huh?
Eyes off!
All right, so let me
think about this.
You've been acting strange
ever since you came home from
the restaurant last night.
Did... did something
happen there?
Maybe, but I'm not at
liberty to discuss it.
Did what happen involve Deacon?
Because you guys have been
acting very weird this morning.
Perhaps, but once
again, not at liberty.
And you just got
those knick tickets,
so I know you're not
really working late.
Was Deacon really working
late last night,
or were you, like,
covering for him?
Ok, do you understand
the concept
of "not at liberty"?
If you called liberty right now,
I wouldn't be there.
When you picked up
the food last night,
did you... did you
see Deacon there?
With another woman?
Yes, but that's all
you're getting out of me.
Oh, my God. He's
having an affair?
You did not hear that from me, ok?
If it ever comes up,
you heard it from a
British Chinese guy.
Kelly is gonna be so devastated.
Oh, you're not planning
on telling Kelly?
Doug, the man is running
around behind her back
she has a right to know.
She's my best friend.
Well, he's my best friend,
and I promised I
wouldn't say anything.
Well, tough! Doug, I can't look
her in the eyes and not tell her.
So don't look at her eyes. Look
at her breasts. That's what I do!
Doug, listen to me.
Hon, I know this
is tough on you,
but it's tough on me, too.
I'm sorry. If Deacon
doesn't tell Kelly,
I'm gonna have to.
There you are.
Look, we, uh, we need to talk.
Yeah, I... I kinda need
to talk to you, too.
What's up? Man, I couldn't
even sleep last night.
I don't know, man, I... I just
feel like I... I really...
Hey, bergin, why don't you go
take that dog for a walk, huh?
Yeah, goodbye. Goodbye.
All right, go ahead.
I... I just feel like I
screwed up so bad, man.
And now I'm dragging
you into this.
I'm gonna pay you for those
knick tickets, all right?
You shut up. You think I
care about those, huh?
They were a gift
from Carrie's boss.
Right. Sorry.
Although they're
worth like, $160.
So if you want to toss me something,
that's your call. Whatever.
I gotta tell you, I did a lot
of thinking last night and...
And what?
I'm definitely gonna break
things off with Angie.
Excellent idea. That's it, man.
You break things off with Angie.
You tell Kelly, and everything's
back to ham and eggs.
Tell Kelly? Uh-uh. No, no, no.
No way, man.
Why not? I think you're
gonna be surprised.
She has very kind eyes.
Yo, she's hit me
with a frying pan,
and it ain't like
in cartoons, man.
That sucker hurts.
You know what? Let
me come at this
from a slightly different angle.
Carrie knows, and if you
don't tell Kelly, she will.
You told Carrie?
I can't believe you, man!
I didn't tell her. She
got it out of me.
How, Doug?
She stared at me.
Y-y-you just couldn't keep
your mouth shut, could you?
You know what you are?
You're a yenteh. I
am not a yenteh.
Yes, you are. Yenteh, yenteh...
Why are you giving me grief?
You're the one sleeping with
someone who's not your wife!
What are you talking about? I...
I never slept with Angie.
What?
I never slept with her.
I... I mean, I'm not sure
what would have happened,
but so far, all we've done is
meet for dinner, you know?
Talk.
Guy, am I crazy,
or is that not the kind of
information you lead with?
I guess what I figured what I was
doing was still kinda cheating.
No, it's not, you big dumb ox.
It's not that bad at all.
Now you tell Kelly.
I'll tell Carrie.
We can get on with our lives.
There.
We just cheated more
than you ever did.
Carrie!
In here!
Great news, my little chickie.
Turns out Deac is not
cheating with that woman.
What? What do you mean?
Just what I said.
He's not cheating.
He's had as much sex with her
as I've had with your dad.
And that's none.
But you saw them in the
restaurant together.
If they weren't having an
affair, what was going on?
They just meet for dinner.
They eat,
they talk, they connect.
And does Kelly know?
No.
Then he's still cheating.
No, he's not!
Yes, he is.
Doug, the man is
lying to his wife,
sneaking around
with another woman,
sharing intimate feelings.
That is cheating!
No, it isn't! Yes, it is!
No. You got to be
naked to cheat.
Wrong!
So you're telling me,
if I met a woman,
and then we went out
for a dinner or two,
and then say I forgot to
tell you about it, right?
I would be cheating? Yes!
Really? And that
would be just as bad
as if I actually slept with her?
Yes!
Good to know.
That's great.
That's really great, Doug.
Make your stupid little jokes,
but I got to tell
you, I am stunned
that on something as important
as the meaning of
marriage and commitment,
that we would be so far apart.
Yeah, well, we are, my friend.
You're way over there,
and I'm way over here.
Hello.
Oh, shut up.
I'll get it.
What do you want for dinner?
I don't care!
Deac, what's going on, man?
I told Kelly, and you know what?
You were wrong. It is
as bad as cheating.
I know. I'm in the middle
of the same argument.
She threw you out? Yeah.
With no shoes? Yeah.
And as hard as it is
to get a cab as a black man,
imagine trying to get one
as a black man with no shoes.
Hey, Carrie.
What does he want?
Easy, ok? He's been tossed out.
Shoeless.
I have nothing to say to him
or you or anybody else
on this whole sickening subject.
Excuse me.
Sit down, man.
Y-you're sure it's ok?
No, it is not ok!
Hey, you know what?
I figured out what
I want for dinner.
A nice, hot bowl
of shut-it stew!
Does he know that he has a baby?
Ha! You know what? I'm sorry.
I've had shut-it stew before,
and it sure as diddly
didn't taste like that!
Hey, man, maybe you better
stay in a motel tonight.
Yeah. No, wait. Kelly kicked
me out without my wallet.
Can you lend me a few bucks?
Oh, yeah, no problem.
Do not give him money!
Why not?
Because it's half mine,
and I don't want you to.
Well, fine, then I'll just
give him twice as much
from my half!
And you know what?
I'll drive him to
the motel myself
in my half of the car!
Come on, man.
Fine, and while you're gone,
I'm gonna bake you a
nice, warm, flaky
my-leg-in-your-ass-
up-to-my-knee pie for dessert.
That was such a reach.
What is the huge ruckus here?
It's all a man can do to take
a simple 4-hour nap.
I'm... I'm sorry, dad.
It's... it's Doug.
He's just got me so... Gosh!
What happened?
Ok, ok.
Let me ask you a question.
If someone is married
and then sneaks around
and has dinner with
another person
even though they are not
sleeping with that other person,
would you say that
that was wrong?
Look, darling, I
know Douglas isn't
the most physically
attractive man in the world,
but I beg you
not to jump ship just yet.
Now, I have a book downstairs
of special positions
for the overweight
that I think...
I think it could be a big help.
I am not talking about me.
I am talking about a friend.
And, uh, is that friend you?
No, it's not.
It's... it's Kelly.
And are you "Kelly"?
Dad, you don't have to
give Kelly air quotes
you know her.
Oh, my God!
How dare she cheat on that boy
while he's out working late
to pay for her fancy
creams and powders!
She's not doing anything. He is.
Oh, and then Doug
covers for him,
and like that's not bad enough,
he comes home tonight
all lit up and happy,
because, as it turns out,
Deacon hasn't slept with
this skankola, yet.
Like we should all give him some
fat, freakin' award for that.
I told Doug he was wrong,
and I'm just... I'm
so mad at him.
You're not mad at him.
Uh, trust me. I am.
No, no, honey.
You see, you and Doug
look to Deacon and Kelly
as an example of a
perfect couple.
Now that their supposedly
solid marriage is in trouble
you start to wonder.
Who's to say yours isn't next?
You're not angry, cookie.
You're scared.
Wow, dad. That was a
remarkably lucid thing to say.
Well, I'm coming
right out of a nap.
You're home.
Yeah. I'm home.
You've reached the Heffernan's.
We're not here to
take your call,
so leave a message.
Arthur, are you there?
Arthur, I just left the
house a few seconds ago
and you were there. Pick up.
Oh, no. I'm not falling
for your games, big boy.
Come on. Pick up.
I think I left the oven on
and the pilot light is broken.
No sale!
Arthur!
Arthur, come on, man!
I know you're there!
Pick up the damn phone!
Pick up the phone, old man!