The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 14 - Paint Misbehavin' - full transcript

A paintball party?

You say it like you've never
heard those 2 words together.

All right. So let me
get this straight.

We drive 100 miles up
into the catskills

in order to run
around in the muck

and shoot balls of
paint at each other?

Yes.

Oy.

Come on. It's Deacon's birthday.

You don't think maybe the
guy should get to choose

what he wants to do
on his own birthday?



Honey, you really
want to do this?

I don't care.

Yes, he does.

Fine. Can't afford
to paint the house,

but we can cram it into guns

and shoot it at each other.

What are you running from?

Ok, can we order now?
I'm starving.

I come knowin' what I want.

Hmm?

Pool table.

Uh-huh, no. No.

Mmm.

Burger looks good.



How's that?

That's good. Ok.

If you like

what the girls do
during the day,

wait till you see 'em at night.

Stay tuned for more college
girls: Crazy in Rio.

Oy. 200 channels and nothing on.

It's ok, Doug.

You can watch your
college sluts in Rio.

They're not my college sluts.

And just so you know,

next time we're out

and you see a girl
you think is hot,

you can look.

I can?

Yes. Just don't be a jerk

when you do it,

like that thing you
do with your eyes.

It's so creepy. Doesn't it hurt?

A little, but I...
I push through.

Doug, come on. You
know what I'm saying.

I mean, just because
we're married,

doesn't mean we're not
gonna be attracted

to other people once in a while.

You know, it's ok.

I mean, I would be
worried if you weren't.

Like janee, my nail girl.

You think she's hot, right?

No. Doug?

Yes.

You see? It's ok. You
can just tell me.

You don't have to lurk
outside the salon window

when you come to pick me up.

She's purty!

Yes, she is.

So, come on. Anybody else?

You can tell me.

Yeah, well...

I guess there's Maggie
at the dry cleaners.

Oh, and this toll taker
on the whitestone bridge.

I mean, from the waist up,
she's mmm-wah! Ha-ha.

The rest of her, that's
anybody's guess.

That's why you
didn't get e-z pass.

So who revs old Carrie up, huh?

All right. Um, well,

I ain't hatin' that kid,
Pedro, at the car wash.

Whoa! What the...

Young, buff, and illegal.

Good choice. Good choice.

So who else? Come on.

I wanna... I wanna know
what kind of nympho

I'm dealin' with here.

Ok, um...

Well, the sparkletts guy.

Ok.

Eric at the office,

hmm. Deacon.

Oh, and that guy who power-walks

his grey hound in the morning.

I'm pretty sure
he's gay, though.

You don't have to
worry about it.

I mean, those little
shorts, right?

Right?

So, Deacon, huh?

Yeah. Deacon, among others.

But among others, Deacon.

Yeah.

So, milady's got a
thing for Deacon.

Wants some Deacon and eggs.

I don't have a thing for him,

and it's no more of a big deal

than the ones you said.

It's not a big deal.

It's just a fun fact, you know?

Like a fruit fly
lives for a day,

and my wife's hot
for my best friend.

Who would have thunk it?

I don't know.

And we are back.

New York down 2,
3 minutes to go.

What?

Nothin'. I was just...

I just noticed that your ear's

a little small for your head.

A little bit. Just a little bit.

I'll tell you, Doug.

This is great hangin' like this.

Yeah. Glad you could
make it, guy.

I mean before my pizza place
went out of business,

I... I wouldn't have time
for this stuff. Huh.

Too busy makin' a living.

Everything works
out for a reason.

Whoo! I'll tell ya. I am
really lookin' forward

to this paintball party.

I could use a little relaxation.

Pow, pow, pow! Pow,
pow, pow, pow, pow!

You spot me a ride up there?

What happened to your car?

Ah, I sold it to buy
a karaoke machine

to pump up business. Huh!

A little late on that fad.

Pow!

Well. I... I can take
8 in my minivan.

Who's going?

Uh. Let's see. You got us, uh,

plus Carrie, Kelly, uh,
my sister Stephanie.

Yeah, ride with us, Danny.

Hey, guys.

Hey, man. What's goin' on?

What's happenin'?

Oh, I was just, uh, drivin' by.

Couldn't help noticing all
the cars of my friends.

Come on, man.

This wasn't planned.

It just sort of happened.

And I suppose hot
wings just happened.

Will you stop?

You remember my
cousin Danny, right?

Hey, man. Good to see you.

Hello. Come on, guys.

Sit down, hang out
and watch the game.

I would, but my seat is ocupado.

Fine. Here. Sit here, ok?

I'm goin' back to the house.

Anybody want anything?

Some more hot wings? Deac?

Uh. No, thanks, man. Tryin'
to drop a few pounds.

Good. Glad you're
on top of that.

Man, I didn't know Doug's sister

was comin' on this
paintball thing.

I'm thinkin' maybe
I shouldn't go.

Why not?

Well, like, 10 years ago,

we all went on
this big ski trip,

shared this big condo.

Yeah. So?

Yeah. So, we had
a couple drinks,

and let's just say I
threw one her way.

Ah. That's very sweet of you.

I told her that I
really liked her.

I promised that I'd call

as soon as we got
back to the city.

Here's the kicker,

I never did.

Get out.

So, Deac.

The big 33.

Hey. We have got to do something
special for your birthday.

Oh. We are.

Yeah. Doug's throwing me a
paintball party upstate.

What?

I told you, like, a month ago.

You remember? You...
you called it

"a barbaric throwback to the
worst in human nature."

I just say things to
hear myself talk.

You know that.

Well. The thing is,
I mean, the teams,

they gotta be even,

and I, uh, I already
invited Danny.

Oh. I see. Um...

Hey, uh, I'm late for a thing.

Uh, goodbye.

Would you hold on, Spence?

You can come.

No, no. I wouldn't want to
uneven your precious teams.

Spence, it's ok.

Forget it.

I don't want to get in the way

of all this time you've been
spending with your little cousin.

And by the way, I know
about the jets game.

I... I only took Danny

'cause he's goin' through
a hard time right now.

You're comin' to paintball.
You got it?

No! You're comin', even
if I gotta tackle you

and strap you to the
hood of my car.

What are you yellin'
at Spence for?

Because my wife
thinks you're hot.

Honey. Come on.

We got about a million
people to pick up.

Uh, coming.

I am one handsome black man.

What are you doing,

staring at yourself
in the mirror?

How do you keep
your hands off me?

What is with you today?

Nothing.

Oh. Some little
honey on your route

thought you were fine?

Nope.

At least not anyone on my route.

So, who, then?

Mmm. Better not tell you.

I don't want to get you jealous

and get those claws out.

Oh, please, honey.

I think I can handle it.

♪ It's a beautiful mornin'

♪ ah

♪ I think I'll go
outside for a while ♪

♪ and just smile

♪ just diggin' some
clean, fresh air 'cause ♪

All right, people. Listen up.

Ok, now, the object

is to capture your enemy's flag.

Ok, now, remember, we're
out here to have fun,

but also to kill.

Any questions?

Ok, then.

Here. Hon. Let me
help you with that.

I got it,

but maybe you ought to
go help your girlfriend.

Need some help with that?

No, I think I got it.

Been a long time, huh?

Has it?

You look real good.

You mean I'm not the
fat cow I used to be.

Yeah, right.

Ok, well, let's get
this show on the road.

Where the hell is Carrie?

Ok. That was unpleasant.

Could you hurry up? We're
choosing up teams.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

It was so lovely in
there, I lingered.

Hey, could you make
a little effort

to enjoy this?

If not for me, at
least for Deacon.

Oy, would you stop
with that already?

You're the one who can't stop...

Loving him.

Yeah. That's right, Doug.

I got it bad for Deacon.

Guess what? We're
planning to kill you

and run away with your millions.

Hey. Come on, man.
Let's choose sides

and get this paint war started.

You can have first pick.

Let me see.

Who would I like to
have by my side?

I will take Kelly.

Get over here, Ms. foxy brown.

Comin', colonel.

Ok. You got my wife,
I'll take yours.

Carrie. Come on, sugar.

Yes. This just feels right.

Yeah? Well, we can just
stop pickin' right now,

and we'd have a winning team.

Oh, yeah? Well, so can we.

I guess we'd better
keep pickin', though.

I take Louis.

You know what?

Why doesn't someone just
give me a wedgie now

and complete my humiliation?

Well, I told you you'd be extra.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Excuse me.

Do you need any
additional personnel?

Uh, uh, yeah, great.
We'll, uh...

We'll get you some equipment.

No need.

I have all the
necessary equipment...

In my vehicle.

Ok, how long are
we gonna sit here?

'Cause I gotta be honest.

I really thought
there was gonna be

a lot more running and shooting.

This is a lot of... lurking.

Shh!

It's just that we only
rented the field till 2:30.

After that, we've
gotta pay extra.

Shh!

Ok, you don't have to shush me!
Ok?

I'm a person.

We've been sittin' here
for 45 minutes, ok?

I want to start shootin' people.

Doug, yelling at me
will not keep your wife

from lusting after
your best friend.

How... how did you know that?

I believe the question is,

"how did you not know?"

They're... they're not having
an affair or anything.

You know, she just, uh,

thinks he's kind of attractive,

but it doesn't really matter.

And it's eating you alive.

Yes, it is. Yep, yep.

Time for a 2nd coat.

Ow! It's just a
game, you psycho.

Let's go, Doug.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are
you all right, man?

Doug!

I gotta go.

Try and take my place?

Think again, pizza boy.

Crap.

Hey.

Oh. Hi, Kel.

Kill anybody yet?

Nope.

God, this paintball
thing is so stupid.

I know.

Oh! Oh, it's on now!

Oh, my God.

You ok? What's goin' on?

Your wife's gunning for me.

She's got crazy eyes.

Oh. She's taking this
worse than I thought.

Taking what worse?

You know.

Oh, my God.

Did Doug tell you?

Uh-huh.

Oh, my.

God. Ok.

Chunky dies today.

Hey! That went right by my ear.

Yeah, 'cause I missed.

All right. Now I
gotta shoot you.

Fine. Just don't say

you're gonna call me
after you shoot me.

Hey, look. I'm sorry about
not calling you, ok?

It's... it's just that,
uh, my phone was broke.

And I... I blew my
nose on the napkin

that had your number on it,

and I couldn't tell
if it was 667...

Would you shut up?

You know, I... I really
liked you, Richie.

Sorry.

But you know what?

Hand to God. When
I saw you today,

I thought, "wow."

She looks good now."

Really?

That's sweet.

Oh!

Jeez. My aim is better
than I thought.

Look, Richie. I'm, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Richie.
You're gonna be ok.

Oh.

Ah! I'm out of ammo!

I'm out, too.

So, what do we do now?

First, we calm down.

I think my crown came loose.

Our only chance

is to head for those
woods over there,

pick up more ammunition,
and head on back.

Ok. Ok.

Um...

I don't know if you
believe in God.

But this might be a fine
time to say a little prayer.

Ok. Ok.

Well...

Oh, God,

bless us, father,

for the paint

we are about to shoot...

I'm really more
of an "amen" guy.

Doug, let's go. On 3.

1, 2...

He, uh, he didn't give me a 3.

Hold it.

Oh, God.

Why are you stalking me?

I'm not.

What did I ever do to you?

None of your b-I-beeswax!

I left my inhaler in the van.

Take that!

Please! No!

This is fun.

Yeah.

Ha!

Ok, you never told
me what this means.

I don't even know.

Where are they? All right?

Maybe you were wrong.
Maybe they're not here.

I can't... I can't do this.

I'm not good at war.

You really don't have an
ounce of self-respect,

do you?

I just want lunch.

For God's sakes, man.
Tuck in your underwear.

Ok, I gotta get back.

Hey. Stephanie.

So are you gonna call me?

Yeah, sure. I'll...
I'll call you.

All right.

What do we have here?

Oh, extra crispy.

Winner.

Don't move.

You're right, Carrie.

Yep. He likes his chicken.

Yeah? Well. Now he's
finger-lickin' dead.

Good one.

So long, my man.

Hold it!

Yeow!

Go ahead, man. Pull the trigger,

but if you shoot me,
Kelly shoots you.

Yeah, well, if Kelly shoots
me, Carrie shoots Kelly.

Then I shoot Carrie.

Doug, you shoot me,

and you're never
getting sex again.

You can't do that!

Oh, it's done.

All right, we're
gettin' crazy here.

Look, man, we...

We all came up here to celebrate

my best friend's birthday,

and we're acting like idiots.

Come on, let's all just...

Let's calm down, ok?

All right. You're right.

I'm tired.

What was that?

Nothin'.

You were gonna shoot me,

but your gun jammed.

I think you're wrong.

Oh, man. You are unbelievable.

Leave him alone!

This is your fault, Deacon!

Hey! I can't help bein' fine.

And I can't believe

you told Deacon what I said.

Well, I couldn't have told
him if you didn't tell me.

You asked.

I didn't want to hear Deacon.

I wanted Pedro at the car wash.

All right. You're right.

I... I... I started
this whole thing.

Go ahead. Take a
free shot at me.

I'm not gonna shoot you.

No. Come on. Come on.
You'll feel better.

Here. Have a piece of
chicken and shoot me.

You'll be a new man.

Hold it.

Say good night, little lady.

I thought he was going
for the chicken.

Honey, I'm home!

Where the hell have you been?

Oh, were you at that stupid
paintball place again?

I... I went... I went...
I just...

"I went... I went... I went..."

You know the Hendersons
are coming for bridge.

I mean, look at you.

Would you take that
stupid rag off your head?

I got... I got... I got
the ice cream you wanted.

This is frozen yogurt.

My God. You're an idiot.

I'll go back.