The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 13 - Hi-Def Jam - full transcript

♪ Doug, Doug, Doug!

♪ How do you like it,
how do you like it? ♪

♪ Doug, Doug, Doug

♪ How do you like it?

Ha, ha. See what I did there?

I threw a little Doug in there.

That's my new theme song.

Mmm. Well, I, for
one, am gonna miss

yellow Doug marine.

What's going on here,
pretty young thing?

I am making breakfast.



Mmm.

Come on, quit it.

What? It's strawberry shampoo.

They want you to eat it.

Mmm!

Hair?

Y-you ok, then?

Spectacular. Wow.

Look at this mood you're in.

You're singing, you're
eating my hair.

It's like having a little
monkey around the house.

Well, I'm happy, you know.

Just one more week,

and I'll be parking my
butt outside in the garage



in front of my 55-inch bad boy

watching super bowl xxxv.

That's 35

to all you non-Roman people.

Gotta tell you, Doug, I love
you at super bowl time.

You are a delight to be around.

Hey, you have your special days.

Your "Christmas" and whatnot.

I have this.

I just wish the super
bowl came everyday.

So do I, Carrie. So do I.

♪ Soup, soup

Who is it?

Uh, it's I.P.S. For Mrs.
Susan horowitz.

Now I heard that
menopause can start

when they're in their 20s.
Is that true?

Hi. Hey, bath and body works.

Someone's pampering herself.

Good for you.

Where do I sign?

Oh, just right here.

Oh, my God, that television.

Is that hi-def?

Uh, yeah, I guess so.

Ma, where's the peanut butter?

It's in the pantry!

The detail is amazing.

Oh, please don't cry, baby.

It's like star Jones is
actually in your living room.

There isn't any!

Then there isn't any!

Do you know if
they're broadcasting

the super bowl in hi-def?

They gotta be. Right?
They should be.

I... I really don't know.
My husband's the one...

Ma!

If you ask me for peanut
butter one more time,

I'm gonna smack you!

Are we done here?

They're talking about menopause,

yet I'm hypnotized.

Ma!

Shut up!

Beautiful.

And now only 99 cents.

I don't understand
what you're saying.

The picture looks fine.

In fact, I wasn't in the
mood for chalupa before

but I am now.

You just don't get it, do you?

What's your problem? I
thought you loved this T.V.

I did, until today
when I saw the future.

Hi-def.

It's like when you have a kid.

You know, you're really
happy with that kid.

But then you have a second kid.

And all of a sudden,
you know what?

The first kid doesn't
look so good anymore.

You have some issues with
mom and dad, don't you?

Yeah.

I'll be right with you.

Thank you.

All right, listen up.

I'm gonna ask for the most
expensive hi-def set they make,

then you say, "we
can't afford that".

That way it'll look like
I'm buying one for real.

Not just buying one to return
it after the super bowl.

Why am I saying "we"?

I mean, are we supposed to
be a couple or something?

Yeah. So it just
doesn't look like,

you know, we're 2 dudes who
wanna watch the super bowl.

You know? We're together.
We're committed.

Maybe we bought a townhouse.
Uh-uh.

All right.

What?

I just don't know how believable
it's gonna be, you know?

That-that, I'm with you.

Well, excuse me.

I didn't mean anything by it.
I'm just saying...

I know what you're saying.
Ok, it's fine.

Look, it's more the
black-and-white thing.

I just don't think
people are ready to...

Stop it.

Ok, what do you need?

Uh, yeah, this hi-def
model right here.

Is this the most
expensive one you carry?

Yeah, it is. It's also the
best one on the market.

It is a beauty.

Doug, we can't afford it.

Excuse me, there's
no "we" here, ok?

We broke up. Now move on.

Sorry about that. He's...

Anyway, uh, yeah,
I will take it,

and that'd be great. Any chance
you could deliver it, uh,

by, uh, I don't
know, maybe Sunday?

Tomorrow between 12:00 and 6:00.

Good. Great. Stellar.

Ahem.

So what's the, uh, return policy

on one of these bad boys?

What is it, like, 30 days?

Why?

You're not just gonna buy
it for the super bowl

and then return it, are you?

Is that not encouraged?

Carrie, someone's been
parking in my spot.

Do you have any idea who
I'd talk to about that?

Uh, did you leave a note? No.

Did you call the parking office?

I'm gonna level with you.

When I asked you, "could I
talk to you about this",

I really meant, "who could
you talk to about this?"

Ah.

Ok, I'll... I'll call right after
I make you a raisin toast.

Thank you much.

Hey, Car.

Hi, baby.

Hi. Ah, Mr. Pruzan,

you remember my husband, Doug?

Sure, I do. Good to see ya.

Yeah. Remember my
joke from last time?

My name's Doug, and
your name's Doug,

so in Spain, we'd
be Doug y Doug.

Yeah. Like the actor.
Great. Yes.

Well, hey, if were named
Mark, we'd be Mark y Mark.

Not following you, Doug.

Is that a person?

No. No.

So what are you
doing in the city?

I was just over at the wiz,
pricing those hi-def T.V's.

Let me ask you something.

How opposed are you
to dancing at night?

Doug, why do you
want a hi-def T.V.?

You have a great T.V. I... I
bought you the best T.V. They had.

Yeah, in the nineties.

I tell you, those
hi-defs are amazing.

They gave me one of those
when I made partner.

They did? Yeah.

Beautiful picture,

but it's still the idiot box.
Am I right?

They gave him a T.V.

You wanna know what they got
me when I got promoted?

A cat mug.

"Con-cat-ulations."

He has hi-def.

Yeah, so?

So... so you invite him
to my poker game tonight.

Ew! No! Why would I do that?

Hello! Brownie points
for you with your boss,

and maybe an invite to watch the
super bowl in hi-def for me.

Doug, he is my boss, ok?

I do not want him in my home.

That is my turf!

Your turf?

Ok, when exactly did you
become Pinky Tuscadero?

Ok, can I get back
to work now, please?

I have a very serious parking
situation to deal with.

No, Carrie. You obviously
don't understand

what's going on here.

I'm talking hi-def. Hi-def!

Oh, yeah.

That means nothing to me.

Let me try to explain it to you.

Look at me. Look at me.
Look at me.

Are you looking?
Yes, I am looking.

Ok.

Now if I were on hi-def, I'd
be sharper and more life-like

than I am right now,
not to mention wider.

Shut it.

Carrie, I'm gonna need those
files when you get a chance,

if I'm not interrupting.

Oh, no, no. No problem.

No. We were just talking
about my poker game tonight,

that I need another guy for.

Huh.

Well, I'm feelin' a
little wild here.

Dealer bets 15 cents.

Whoa! Oh!

You're scaring me. Ooh!

I'm out.

It looks like somebody's scared.

Whoa. Don't get the hulk angry.

You won't like him
when he's angry.

Good one.

Well...

Er, I'm out. Good
luck, gentlemen.

All right, I'll take a ride.

As will I.

And comin' around.

Well, this is great, huh?

Male bonding. Just
me and the guys.

And my sister.

We oughta do this more
often, right, Deac?

Huh? Oh, right. Um,

but not next Sunday,

'cause that's the super bowl.

That's right, it is.
Where are we, uh,

where are we watchin'
that, anyway?

I don't know.

I have to admit, it rather
snuck up on me this year.

All I know is
something like that

should be seen on a
television with definition

that's fairly high. Am I right?

You're right. Can't argue
with someone who's right.

Ladies, wanna swap
recipes later?

I'm trying to play
some cards here.

Ooh! You're a feisty
one, aren't ya?

So, Lou, now that you've
moved into the neighborhood,

we should hit the
weights together.

Um,

I start really early
in the morning.

Yeah, it's cool. See,
here's where I'm at.

I wanna work out,

but I don't wanna
get pumped, pumped.

I mean, all those big
muscles are gross.

Uh, no offense.

Right.

See, I just wanna get ripped.

You know, I'd like
Mitch gaylord's body.

I'll bet you would.

And the king bets 40 cents.

Ooh. Big man. Well,
I'll call you,

and I'll raise you 50 cents.

Mmm. I'm aroused. Ok, call.

3 kings.

Uh-oh! Oh!

You know,

all I've got is all hearts.

Wait a minute. I do
believe that's a flush.

Ha, ha!

Nicely played.

Nicely played. Speaking
of nicely played,

you know what I hope is nicely played?
The super bowl.

Who's with me, huh?
Show of hands.

All right. There you go.

Doug, this rheingold went right through me.
Where's the head?

That's upstairs. Thanks.

You're watching
intimate portrait.

Rue mcclanahan.

No, I'm not.

Yeah?

Hey, Carrie.

Oh. Hi, hi.

I was just on my way to
the little boys' room,

thought I'd stop
in and say "hey".

Hey back at you.

It's the first door on the left.

I can hold it.

I gotta tell ya, Carrie,

you guys have quite
a little nest here.

Oh, thank you.

So,

what time tomorrow, 9:00?

Question for you, car.

Is your sister-in-law
seeing anyone?

'Cause I find her delightful.

Stephanie? I sense a spark.

You and Stephanie?

Yeah, yeah.

I know I'm something of a
ladies' man around the office,

but in a couple of years,
that's gonna stop being cute

and start being pathetic.

Stephanie's very different
from the women I usually date.

She's real.

I'd like to try something real.

Actually, the think is she-she's
actually not that real.

Oh God, that's funny.

Why don't you run it past
her and get back to me?

Ok. Great.

Ooh.

Facts of life.

Hi.

What's your problem?

Aw, Pruzan didn't bite.

Now I gotta watch the super bowl

on my 55-inch piece of poop.

And what's the story here?

We're... we're building a tower?

I'm just too sad to do dishes.

Oh, my poor baby.

Ow!

You think you had a bad night?

No.

You wanna know what
I did tonight?

I had a slumber
party with Pruzan.

Yeah. We talked about
relationships,

and then we watched the
facts of life marathon.

You love the facts of life.

I told you. I told you
this would happen.

My turf.

All right, well, I'm sorry.
It's done. He's gone.

Ech! He kept going on and on

asking me questions
about Stephanie,

and meanwhile, I'm sitting there

in my pajamas with a
hole in the crotch.

It was horrible!

Wait a minute. What do you...

What do you mean he was asking
questions about Stephanie?

He wants to date her.

Oh... It's so gross.

I mean, it's like having
a pigeon in the house.

Wel, did you tell her yet?

No, I didn't tell her.

What do you mean you
didn't tell her?

I'm not telling her.
This dies with me.

Carrie, what if they were
meant to be with each other?

Yeah, what if God is using you to
bring the two of them together?

If you don't, it's like you're doing
the opposite of what God wants.

Which pretty much
makes you the devil.

The devil.

Ok, if anyone is the
devil here, it's you.

Yeah, it's me. Yeah, right.
Ok, right.

The devil always goes around trying
to make love grow. Whatever.

Doug, the only reason you want to
set up Pruzan with your sister

is so you can watch the super
bowl on hi-def, and that's evil.

It's not my fault that doing
something nice for Stephanie

may also work out well for me.

I know that pains you, what
with you being the devil.

Doug, he is not right for her.
Trust me.

He is totally weird, ok?

She needs a nice, normal guy,

not a guy who
collects marionettes.

Who's to say who
belongs with who?

I mean, look, who'd
put us together?

Look at us? I mean, I could
sit on you and kill you.

Yet, we make it work.

Ok, let it go.

No, Carrie. You just...
you don't understand.

My sister's not like you.

She doesn't have a
million guys after her.

Right now, she only has one.

And thanks to you,
she'll never know that.

Oh, my God.

All right, so this is the
way it's gonna go, huh?

You're willing to make
me feel like crap,

so you can watch the
super bowl on hi-def?

Hey, you push a dog into a
corner, she gonna bite.

Ok, my last phys-ed question:

Are the dodgeball and the
kickball the same ball?

You can use the same ball, yeah,

but you let a little air
out of the dodgeball.

Wow! There's so much for
a gym teacher to know.

Kudos to you.

She also teaches
junior lifesaving.

Tell him about the, uh, buddy system.
Go ahead, tell him.

Now? Yeah.

I was gonna use
that as my closer.

Closer!

That is funny!

Whoa! We got a laugher here.
Lookout.

Can I open the goobers now?
I'm starving.

Excuse me. But you know
that I save all my candy

for the start of the previews.

Have we just met?

Hey, you know who's
a big goober guy...

Arnie Grant in Litigation.

He loves 'em.

Does he? What a kook.

I'm talkin' about
the office again.

Guess that's one of the pitfalls

of dating your assistant's
sister-in-law.

"Assistant's sister-in-law."

Hey, that's hard to say.

That is hard to say.

Sister's... Sister...

I got it all messed up.

You try.

Anyway, we're thinking of having
a super bowl party next Sunday.

Uh, you think you'd
be into coming?

Sure. That'd be great.

You know what, don't get too excited,
though, 'cause our T.V. Ain't so hot.

The picture's kinda grainy.

Then why don't you
and your friends

just come over to my place
and watch the game?

Your place?

I... I guess that would work.
Ok, thanks.

I'm gonna go get a soda.

You know what? Get... get me an icee
with an extra squirt of flavor!

I don't think she heard you, Doug.
I'll go.

Can I get you something, too?

You look like a
snowcap girl to me.

Do I?

Actually, I'm very
allergic, but thank you.

I think he likes you.

Of course he likes me.
All freaks like me.

You're a real piece of
work, you know that?

You... you manage to find something
wrong with every guy you go out with.

Jonathan had no friends.
Gil wasn't tall enough.

Tony was too into his cats.

He blow-dried them
every morning.

Look, Steph,

there's no such thing
as the perfect guy.

The best you can do is look
for someone who's nice

and cares about you.

But you're never gonna find that

because you don't
give people a chance.

Yeah, I guess.

Just go out with him for a little bit.
See how it feels.

Fine. Fine.

How long do you think
I should give it?

Well, if you insist on
putting a clock on love,

just give it till the
last Sunday in January.

That seems like a
good cutoff point.

Welcome to the
following presentation

of the national football
league from c.B.S. Sports.

I gotta hand it to you, man.

You wanted a
high-def super bowl,

and well, God bless you, you
didn't stop till you got it.

Thanks, guy.

I gotta tell ya, these last
couple of days have been a blur.

I'm not even sure
I went to work.

I mean, look at this, man.

The pregame show has
never been so real.

It's like, ditka
is pissed at me.

You know what's really fun?

If you close your eyes
and then open them,

it's like you're seeing it
for the very first time.

And that's the whole tour.

It's very nice, Doug.

I don't think I've ever seen
so many marionettes before.

Well, they're my family.

I'm gonna go see what Carrie's
up to in the kitchen.

Great. I'll be here
hangin' with the guys.

Hey, what you doin' there?

Oh, I'm making icing seams

on these little
football brownies.

As soon as I finish,
please kill me.

You want some help? Yeah.

Grab one of those squeezy tubes.
Ok.

So what is this,
like your, uh...

3rd or 4th date with Pruzan?

Yup.

So I guess you really
like him, huh?

Oh, he-he's a really nice guy,

and I'm really getting
to like him a lot.

What was that?

What?

Just sounded like you
were gonna throw up.

Me? No. No, no.

Ok.

Ok, Steph, I'm gonna
have to ask you

to take a step away
from the brownies now.

Carrie, I-I-I-I can't do this.

I can't do this anymore.

You can't do what? What?

Go out with freako.

He's the weirdest
guy I've ever met.

He has marionettes
sitting on chairs.

Yes! Yes! He is a freak.

I knew you couldn't like him.
I knew it!

What? Then... then why did
you set me up with him?

Doug made me.

Why do you keep
goin' out with him?

Doug made me!

He is the devil.

And those are your
starting lineups.

Doug, I really need to talk...

Whoa.

Doug, she needs to talk to you.

Shut up, Spence.

Right-o.

I'll tell you what, Steph.

Halftime, after Britney
Spears, I'm all yours.

Come on, Steph.

Why don't you take a seat
right here on my lap?

No. I really need to talk to my
brother right now. All right?

Come on, Steph. Come and
sit on pappy's lappy.

I don't want to sit
on pappy's lappy.

Sure you do. It's smooth
like a Western saddle.

I don't wanna sit on your lap.

I don't even want
to go out with you.

I just did it 'cause my
dumb-ass brother made me!

I have a lot more girls for you.

Gwen? Gwen from accounting?

Everyone's had her. I'm
gonna hook that up.

So I'm just... I'm just
gonna put this here.

You guys can nosh on that.

You make peace with your God.
You die tonight.

All right.

Well, we got the
skirts outta here.

Now we can watch the
game without a lot of,

without a lot of yap-yap.
All right.

C.B.S. Sports presents
super bowl 35.

I'm such a fool.

Way to go, Pruzan.

You lost her because you
moved too damn fast!

Stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid.

♪

♪ Yabba dooba dooba
dooba dooba dooba dum ♪

W-what happened?

He switched the
channel to a.M.C.

Well, change it back, man.

I can't. He cracked the remote.
It's not changing!

Well, change it on the T.V.

I don't see any button.

It's smooth!

Maybe there's a
panel that pops up.

No, man.

A lot of these are
voice-activated.

Channel, change!
Channel, change!

Channel 2.

Super bowl.

Welcome home.

Super bowl.

Maybe it detects motion, man.

♪ I see her putting on airs and
strutting like a peacock ♪

For the love of God!
Football now!

♪ Screaming at the...

Whoa! A one-handed catch!

He's at the 20. He's at the 10.

Touchdown! Oh, my.

Now that's one you have to
actually see to believe.

♪

♪ Is this the little
girl I carried? ♪

♪ Is this the little
boy at play? ♪

♪ I don't remember
growing older ♪

♪ when did they?

♪ When did she get to be...