The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 12 - Wedding Presence - full transcript

I can't get this stupid
ketchup packet open.

Just tear on the
little dotted line.

The dotted line means nothing.

It's like the "door close"
button on an elevator,

it's all show.

Here. Give it to me.

There you go.

Thanks. I need about 12 more.

Well, he's right.

There's not a lot of ketchup
in one of these bad boys.

Thank you.



They should be bigger.
Like the size of a pillow.

Yeah. Or like a mattress.

How cool would that be,
like sleeping on ketchup?

Ok, can we talk about
something other than ketchup?

We're paying a
sitter $7 an hour.

Oh, my God. Hey, you guys.

Hey!

Guy and Lisa! Hi!

Look at this little parkside
apartments reunion.

What's up, man?

Oh, nada much. Nada much.

I miss you. I haven't
seen you in forever.

I know.

I totally understand. I
know how busy you guys are.



You two are so hard
to get a hold of.

Actually, I do owe you a call.
Yes, you're good.

Well, I am really happy that we
ran into you, 'cause guess what?

We're finally getting married!

Oh, my God! Whoa! What the...
together!

Good work, man.

Yup. I, uh, rented
a hot air balloon

and popped the question
1,000 feet over New Jersey.

Oh, I'm glad she said yes,

'cause that would have been
an awkward float down.

Oh, oh, please, please,
please tell me

you're available the
3rd next month,

because you are all
so important to me,

and I really, really
wanna have you there.

Of course we'll be there. We'll be there
with bells on. We wouldn't miss it.

Oh, us, too. We're...
we're there.

Oh, yay! I'm so happy
you're gonna make it.

I mean, Doug and Carrie, I
know how busy you guys are.

We will see you there?

Ok. Yeah.

All righty. Bye.

Wow. They're finally doing it.
That's great.

I know. It is great.

Yep. It's pretty great. Mmm.

Is it me, or has she
gotten more annoying?

Definitely kicked it up a notch.

Come on, you guys, stop it.
She's fine.

The wedding will be fun. It's
one afternoon of your life,

so quit your bitchin'.
Who's bitchin'?

As long as there's a guy with
a big hat carving roast beef,

I'm one jolly s.O.B.

How do? Hey.

Mmm.

Hon, I can't figure
out what to make.

How do you feel about
eggs for dinner?

It's unconventional,
but I'll allow it.

Oh, Douglas. Just the man
I was hoping to find.

Hey, Arthur-itis.

I'll say a phrase, and I
want your instant reaction.

Don't think. Just speak.

Half-price footwear. Go.

Pass. Next question.

Style-rite shoes is having a
father and son shoe sale.

Father buys a pair, son
gets a pair for free.

If we go in together, we get 2
for 1, and we split the cost.

All I need is for you to
pretend you are my son.

Right, right.

No.

You do understand we are talking
about half-price footwear?

Yes, I do understand that.

I also understand that you had
some kind of sausage for lunch.

Sorry, not interested.

Fine, you have just
wise-guyed your way

out of a very sweet
deal, friend.

You picked yourself a
real loser, darling.

Look at this. We got Lisa and
guy's wedding invitation.

Oh, really? Open it. Open it.

Yeah? Yeah.

Ok, he could have done
without the confetti.

Read it.

All right. Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

Just the usual stuff, really.

Hey, fun fact. Guy's
mother's name is midge.

Midge.

So where's the wedding?
At Leonard's?

Uh, that would be in chapter 2.

Um, the dellecave manor...

Oh, sweet God.

What? It's in Maryland.

What?

Gaithersburg, Maryland.
We gotta go to Maryland.

Let me see that.

What? You don't
think I can read?

That's like a 5 hour drive.

This is an all-weekend,
stay-overnight thing.

She tricked us.

We're not going. You know,
they're friends, yes,

but they're not
drive-to-Maryland friends.

Doug, we have to go.

If we don't, we're not gonna
be friends with them at all.

Great. Where do I sign?

Doug, I said we were free.
You heard me,

and I said we'd be
there with bells on.

But that was before
you remembered

that my Uncle shmelman was
coming to visit that weekend

and could possibly be
dying, if necessary.

No, we can't make up an excuse.

Why not?

Do you remember our wedding?

They were in Munich, and they flew
back early so they could be there.

Do you know where Munich is?

I'll tell you one thing, it's
a lot closer than Maryland.

Doug, if we don't go, I will
never hear the end of it.

You know how Lisa is.

I miss returning one
of her phone calls,

and she's, "oh, you're so busy",

you're so hard to
get a hold of."

Could you imagine if we
skipped their wedding?

"Oh, so sorry we missed
you at the wedding.

"Good thing we flew in
from Munich for yours,

or we'd never see you."

We're going. Deal with it, hon.

Well, if we go, I'm
punching midge.

I don't know about this, Arthur. I
mean, pretending to be your son,

that's... that's
kind of like lying.

Oh, you don't like lying,
but you sure jumped for joy

when I mentioned half-price
shoes, didn't you?

Now, shut your pie-hole and
start calling me daddy.

Hey, there. Can I help you?

Uh, yes. I'd like to see
these in a 9 and a half.

What would you like, son?

Clarks wallabees, size 7.

That's my boy.

Hey, uh, you and your son sit
tight, and I'll go grab 'em.

He bought it! What a rush!

Just out of curiosity,

what's the story with
your real father?

Oh, uh,

he walked out on me and
my mom when I was 2.

Then, uh, this little charade
must be very painful for you.

Yeah. Actually, uh... Shut up.
He's coming.

Found 'em both.

Oh, terrific.

You know, it's funny. I remember

the very first pair of big-boy
shoes I bought for this kid.

You know what he said?

"My toes got their
own house now."

So, uh, how do those fit?

Wonderfully.

They remind me of my first g.I.
Government issue.

You served in w.W. Ii?

Army. 71st infantry.

You're kidding. The 29th.

I mean, we were the guys
that went in first.

I mean, cleared the way for you.

Cleared the way? It was no
picnic for us, you know.

Yeah, but we took a hell
of a lot more casualties.

Well, sure, but you understand
how difficult it was for us,

tripping over all your bodies?

Hey, dad? We're out of
the rockport loafers.

I'll call in an order, ok?

Thanks, Scotty.

That's my son.

Good lookin' boy.

Straighten up.

Hey, I got an idea. What do you say
we go out for dinner and drinks?

We bring our boys, we tell
them how the war really was,

how my unit saved your ass...

You mean how we saved yours,

but, uh, we'll pick
this up at Tony Roma's.

Uh, actually, dad,

I'm kind of busy with things right now.
I don't have time.

Well, you sure find
time to shoe shop.

You can't sit with these good
people for an hour and have dinner?

Now, take those off and go
wait for me in the car.

And that's the cheapest
room rate you have?

You do realize you're
in a town in Maryland

no one outside of the
state has ever heard of?

Tell them we're triple a members.
Tell them.

Yeah. Just for one night.
Uh-huh.

Tell them. Sometimes they
give you a discount.

All right. Well, thank you.
Bye-bye.

Why are we a member of an auto
club if you won't bring it up?

I did, before you came in.

$189 is the best rate
they can give us.

Can't we just Mark "no"
on this r.S.V.P. Card?

It would be so simple. 2
little letters. "N"...

We can't. We're in too deep now.

Lisa called me last night,
and I actually said again

we'd be there with bells on.

Again with the... What is
your obsession with bells?

They flew in from Munich!

Oh, come on.

And you know what
the worst thing is?

We go down there, we give
up our entire weekend,

we eat terrible catered food, and
they have, like, 300 guests coming,

we'll see them for
maybe 10 seconds.

Somehow, I always end up in the
middle of a cluster of cousins

during the Y.M.C.A. Dance.

Well, that's just because
you do it so well.

I know.

I mean, remember tedi
and David's wedding?

We never saw them. They would have
never known we were even there.

Oh. I just... I
just had a thought.

What?

300 guests. We'll... we'll
never even see them.

We should just not
go and say we went.

What? We can't do that.

I'm not sure we can't.

But it... Isn't it illegal?

No. Not at all.

You just said we'll see
them for 10 seconds, maybe.

Who's to say we weren't there?
We could do this.

Do we dare? Yes!

And then, a week from now, we
call and say we had a good time,

and how great she looked,

and that we're sorry we couldn't
spend more time with them.

Mr. Heffernan, you just
might be on to something.

So, you in?

I don't know. I'm scared.

Yes, yes. Ok. There you go!

This is one of the
greatest ideas I ever had,

and I thought of double stuff
oreos way before it was realized.

Ok.

R.S.V.P., yes.

And we will have the chicken.

Wait. What... what's
the other choice?

Steak. You know what?

Mark me down for that.

We're not going.
What's the difference?

Such a red flag. They
look at it and go,

"what? Doug's not
having the steak?

"What the heck's going on here?

Are they pretending to come?"

Ok. I don't think
they'd jump to that,

but all right, steak it is. You know what?
I will go for the steak, too.

All right. Ok.

We're doing this.

Ok, I'm doing it.

This is living. I did it. Ok.

And we are officially saying

we are going to a
wedding and not going.

Make love to me.

The placecards.

Doug. Wake up. I just
thought of something.

What? The wedding.

If we don't show up,

Lisa and guy will see that our
placecards weren't picked up.

They'll know we weren't there.

So that's all we
really need you to do.

Just pick up our placecards,

and push the food around our
plates so it looks like we ate.

Yeah, basically,
just keep us alive.

And as a bonus,

if... if you actually want
anything from our plates,

like, if you want a 2nd steak

or some more potatoes,
go to town.

Is that all?

You know what? Actually, at
some point during the night,

I want you to go to the bar, pick up
2 drinks, then walk by guy and go,

"what's up, man? Where's Doug?
I got his drink? Hey."

Do you understand that we don't
want to go to Maryland, either?

Hey. L-let's jump on their plan.

I mean, we could just
pretend to go, too.

Oh. No, no, no. You can't.
No way. No way.

There's no way 4 people
can fake be there. No.

No. It's way too obvious.
Besides, I thought of it first.

What do you mean, you
thought of it first?

You didn't invent the idea of pretending to
be somewhere when you're not really there.

Yes, I did.

Well, too bad. If we have to
go, we're not gonna help.

Please, Kel? Please? I'm
begging you, help us out here.

Oh, all right.

What?

We're going anyway.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

One other thing, if you
wouldn't mind giving them this,

we'd really appreciate it.

Thanks so much. Really.

Hey, this is Doug.

And this is Carrie.

We can't come to the phone right
now 'cause we're in Maryland.

We're back on Sunday,

but you know what to do.
Do it after the beep.

Good, 'cause we're in Maryland.

I think they got the point.
Yeah.

How sweet is this? Yeah.

We would have been
driving for 5 hours,

and instead, I'm parking my
heiny on the living room couch.

It's pretty sweet, isn't it?

We got the whole
weekend ahead of us.

Oh, yeah.

Relaxation.

Who's that?

I... I don't know.

Hi. Hey.

Guess what?

My kid has a 103 fever.

What? Yeah.

So it turns out Kelly and I
can't go to the wedding.

I just called Lisa and guy
in Maryland and canceled.

They were disappointed, but
they totally understood.

Who's gonna keep us alive?

Mmm. Not sure, so, um,

let me give you this back,

and since I guess you'll have to
go, if you wouldn't mind, uh,

drop off Kelly and
my gift, would ya?

But we had an arrangement.

Very sick kid. Sorry. I actually
should get back to him.

We're supposed to bathe
him in cold water,

so, see ya!

So that's all we were wondering.

If you could just make it
look like we were there.

You know, pick up
our placecards,

dump some food off our plates.

Yeah, and, uh, if you
could just, uh, you know,

give them this here.

Oh, and, uh,

just this right there. That's be great.
Thanks. Yeah.

So you want us to
lie to Lisa and guy

and make it look
like you're there?

Yeah. So, what do you think?

To be honest, I
think that's awful.

I'd be very uncomfortable
doing that.

I was gonna say the same thing.

Fair enough. Fair enough.

So what else is goin' on?

So, Scotty runs the
store with me,

and at night, he takes classes at St.
John's,

getting his business degree.

Yeah, when I'm done,
we're gonna see

if we can turn our
place into a chain.

Maybe open up some franchises
around long island.

Quite a boy, huh?

Yeah. Quite a boy.

So, Spence, what do you do?

He owns the subway.

I work in the subway. I...
I sell tokens, maps,

the occasional metrocard.

Would it kill you to
go to school at night?

I don't want to go to school.

Yeah? Well, there's a new
thing out called "ambition."

Get some.

Fruit of my loins.
Emphasis on fruit.

Hey, leave me alone, will you?

I'll leave you alone

when you take a little responsibility
for your life! Be a man!

Shut up! Just shut up!

The mouth he gets
from his mother.

Hey! Leave my
mother out of this.

Uh, I think I'll go
check on our table.

Actually, uh, I'll
go with you, dad.

Yeah, uh, look, I think
I'm gonna get going.

What are you talking about? We're
gonna have a delicious dinner.

Yeah, well, I'm just not very hungry.
Goodbye.

Yeah. Go ahead. Run away.

But there are a million
boys like Scott out there,

and you can't run
away from them!

What the hell is going on?

Why are you being so mean to me?

Have I said one thing
that isn't true?

Look at yourself. You're 34 years
old, and you've gone nowhere!

You work underground
like a ferret!

Yeah, ok, you know what?
Fine. You're right.

But just once during
this entire time

that you've been pretending
to be my father,

would it have killed you,
just once, to say, uh,

"you're... you're a
good boy, Spence"

or "I'm proud of you, Spence."

"I love you, Spence." Would
that have killed you?

Oh, God, what have I done?

It's gonna be ok, boy.

No! You can't say I
called you with this.

Who's that?

The band leader for the wedding.

Ok. What I'm asking you to say

is "Doug and Carrie just
requested this song."

No! Honey, you have to
say that I just did it.

Ok. You know what? Never mind.
You... ok, thank you. Bye.

Uh, no help, this guy over here.

Jeez. What is up with people?

Well, the wedding's in 2 hours.

I'd say we're pretty
much screwed.

Yeah. It's, uh, it's over.

You know what I wonder?

What's that moment gonna be when they
finally realize we didn't show up?

How's it gonna come out?

Will the gay couple tell them?

The band leader? Our accountant?

Here's how it's gonna happen,

guy and Lisa are gonna
come to our table

to thank us for sharing
their special day,

and all they're gonna
find are 2 uneaten steaks

and a dirty little secret.

How we doing on time?

We're still 3 hours away.

Damn! Well, drive faster.

Maybe we can make it there before
they bring out the friggin' cake.

Oh, bear left. We
need the 95 South.

Ok.

Hand me the snapple bottle.
I gotta pee.

There they are! Hurry up! I can see them!
They're leaving!

I can't run in these heels!
Why are you wearing heels?

It's a wedding.

Lisa! Guy! We're here!

Hey! Doug here! The
steak was delicious!

We're here! We're here!

We're here!

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Whoo! Hey!

Oh, they're gone. We missed 'em.

They probably couldn't see us
through all the frickin' bubbles.

Ok. There's no way we drove
all the way to Maryland

and we're not getting
credit for it.

Come on, come on.
Here, take 'em.

I... I'm sorry. This is
groom's family only.

That's right. I'm, uh, I'm
his, uh, step-nephew.

All right. Hey.

Groom's family only, please.

All right, all right.
Fine. Sorry. Sorry.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Ok, everybody say
"wedded bliss."

Wedded bliss.

Groom's family only.

♪ People, let me tell you
'bout my best friend ♪

♪ he's a warm-hearted person

♪ who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ people, let me tell you
'bout my best friend ♪

♪ he's a one-boy cuddly toy

♪ my up, my down,
my pride and joy ♪

♪ people, let me
tell you 'bout him ♪

♪ he's so much fun

♪ whether we're
talkin' man-to-man ♪

♪ or whether we're
talkin' son-to-son ♪

♪ 'cause he's my best friend

♪ yeah, he's my best
friend, LA LA ♪