The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 11 - Better Camera - full transcript

Hey, how you doing?

Fine. Thanks.

I'm Lou. I just
moved in next door.

So you did?

Excuse me!

Hey, you're not gonna
believe who's outside.

Lou Ferrigno.

Ferrigno, get out of here.

I'm telling you it's him.
The Incredible Hulk.

He just moved in next door.

You're crazy.



I was just... I was just
looking for something.

Oh! Here it is.

Great! Got it.

Hey!

Hey!

Oh! Everything looks
good in here.

Sanitation!

Hi, guys. Merry Christmas.

Can I help you with something?
I've got great deals here.

Oh, yeah, actually I'm looking
for a gift for the wifey.

Could I see those 2
cameras right there?

These are both excellent.

I have them both at home.

Does, uh, this one have a zoom?
Yes, it does.



But it doesn't say
zoom on the sticker.

Then it doesn't have it.

So, can I ring you up?

Hang on a sec. Deac?

W-what do you think of this one?

It's nice.

Hey, maybe I could
buy Kelly one, too.

Whoa! 80 bucks!

I can't do that man.
She loses everything.

Ok. I can do $40.

I'm gonna go for this one.

Oh. Well, thank you for making
my camera look that much better.

And thank you for
making me look great

whenever we walk down
the street together.

Ok, I was just kidding and you
went to a really dark place.

Hey, Arthur.

Douglas. Tell me if
this sounds repetitive.

"Dear Mr. Ferrigno.

"I thought your work
on the incredible hulk

was in a word, incredible."

Why are you writing
him a letter?

It's going with my screen play.

I think Lou Ferrigno

is just the man to
get it produced.

Oh, Arthur. Not the
screen play again.

Don't give it to him.
Just don't.

Why not?

He's our neighbor. I don't want
him to think we're freaks.

Oh!

And I suppose Mr. Gary
sinise thought I was a freak

when I gave him a copy.

You threw it at him on
the subway, and yes!

Listen, once word gets out
that Lou Ferrigno lives here,

he'll have 50 scripts
on his doorstep.

I'm gonna make sure the first
script in that pile is

"reconsidering Sandy."

The title doesn't
even make sense.

I... I read it and there's
no one in there named Sandy.

You obviously don't understand
how the business works.

Hey. Hey, hon.

You know, how come you
never greet me at the door

naked like the other wives?

What other wives?

I don't know. You
read about them.

I'll get on that.

Ok, almost done
with my shopping.

I've just gotta get
something for Kelly.

Hey, who couldn't use a
toad's umbrella. Hmm?

No, it has to be nice.

Last year she got us those
crystal candlesticks,

and we got her toilet paper
that looks like money.

Speaking of gifts, I
got you a gift today

that's gonna make
you one happy lady.

Really?

What is it? Oh, no,
I'll never tell.

Come on, what is it?

No, it's a surprise,
but I will say this:

It's really, really nice.

All right, give me a clue.

Ah, ok.

Well, it's about... big...
Oh! Is it a camera?

Damn it! How did you
get camera from this?

Well, you kind of held
it up to your face,

and I think you made
a snapping motion.

You couldn't just leave
it alone, could you?

You had to ask for a clue?

Did I know you were gonna
mime taking a picture?

So what do we do? Do I give
it to you now or do...

We wait till Christmas?

Well, if you give it to me now,

I could actually take
pictures during Christmas.

Like I could bring it to
my office holiday party.

I guess.

And I could take
a picture of you

doing your traditional
Santa-stuck-in- the-fireplace gag.

That should be
captured on film, yes.

Wait here. It's in the closet.

You turned on the t. V.
I'm giving you a gift!

I'm sorry. Ok. Ok.

All right. Well, anyways,
merry Christmas.

And just remember, if we could've
held out till Christmas morning,

there'd be a beautiful
bow on that plastic bag.

Oh, it is so nice!

You like it? Yeah, I love it!

I knew you'd like it, 'cause
it's got a wrist strap,

and you can hook it
up to your belt.

And it comes with batteries.

But well, whatever,
you know, whatever.

This is a great camera. You
did really good. Thank you.

So if I guess what you got
me, can I get it now?

Ok.

A snow saucer?

Sure I can't get
you anything, Lou?

Some vanilla wafers?
No, thank you.

We have some very nice popsicles

if you're looking for
something light.

That's all right.

So, let's talk Turkey.
What are we thinking?

Do we like?

Well, Arthur, I have read
reconsidering Sandy,

and to be honest with you,

I was pretty confused.

Confused about what?

Well, first of all, there are 3
different characters named Mike.

Let me ask you a question, Lou.

Have you ever met
anyone else named Lou?

Well, yes.

Slice of life, my friend.

I just writes it
the way I sees it.

So, what's the next step?

Can you get us a meeting at
the William Morris office?

I don't think so.

Ho, ho, ho. I get it.

I understand your problem.

Look.

Even though you're not right for
the lead character of Smithy,

don't worry, I have a very
nice part in mind for you.

Henchman number 2.

That's another thing. There
is no henchman number 1.

Oh, hi, Lou! How are you?

Good.

So, how're you liking
the neighborhood?

It's great. I grew up around here.
Great to be back.

Uh-huh?

Um, is he bothering you?

Darling, can't you see I'm
in a business meeting here.

Excuse me.

Good lord!

Did you see what's
going on in there?

Yeah, I see it.

I went in there for a ringding,

and your father ran
at me like a badger.

Today was gift day at work.
Check it out.

Hot ziggity! You hit
the mother lode!

What do we get going
on here, huh?

Well, we've got some wine,
got a basket of, uh, soaps

and skin creams from
one of the partners,

um, some home made biscotti.

Home made? Cheapo!

Oh, I didn't even open this one.

This one's from Pruzan.
He just made partner.

He gave one of these to
all the secretaries.

What is it?

I don't know, I don't know!

It's another camera.

It's a small one isn't it? It's
like a key chain one or something?

I don't know. It's
called the scamp.

Which cereal box did
that come out of?

Here we go all right.
Actually it's got a...

Panoramic setting.
That's kinda cool.

Does it?

And it takes this new kind
of film, I guess it just...

Pops right in there and...

Oh, my God! It's
already winding.

Wow, you can hook it
up to a computer.

Huh!

But... but the one you got
me is totally, you know...

Totally what?

Well, you know, yours
has a whole...

The strap thing.

You know what you got here?

You got yourself
a better camera.

No, come on. No, we're better.

Who's to say better, huh? We're
taking pictures of the same thing.

Doesn't make the people
look any better, right?

Actually this scamp can
backlight you like an angel.

Come on, don't be ridiculous.
I love your camera,

and I'm taking your camera to my
office party tomorrow night, ok?

Honey?

All right. Ok.

Darling, I'm losing Lou here.

Would you mind making
him up a 12 egg omelet?

Ok.

Time to party on now with the same
people I see 51 hours a week.

Thank you so much for my scamp.

I just love it.
It's just so cool!

It was so above and beyond.

Hey, it's a great little camera
for a great little worker.

Ok, here we go.

Now let's take some pictures
with your great camera, huh?

Ok. Ok.

Right here,

we'll just load in some film.

Ok.

Ok. Here we go.

Easy as pie.

Ok. Ow! Ok. That pinched
a little bit. Yeah.

We've got to wind the wheels
up on the sprocket thing.

Ok good. Finito. All right.
Good. That was easy.

Ok. Ok.

Hey, Carrie!

Oh, hi, Amy! Doug,
you remember Amy?

Oh, sure. Hi, how are you? Hi.

So I just loaded up some film.

I'm gonna get a shot
of you two, all right?

Ok. All right.

Ok, here we go

actually, you know what, I'm
looking for the flash thing.

You should have bought your scamp.
It's totally intuitive.

Oh, yeah, Doug got me this great camera.
I-I'm gonna use this.

Yeah. Whatever. Yeah.

Ok. It's, uh...

It just has to...
Just has to warm up.

Still warming up?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, holidays!

Ok. Ok, it's ready. Here we go.

Hey you guys, you
mind if we jump in?

Oh, sure. Ok, here we go.

Ok. All right.

I'm gonna want a
copy of this one.

Ok.

Make sure you get
the Christmas tree.

Uh, I don't think I can
fit all that in there.

You know what, everybody squish.

Uh, squish some more.

Push your scamp. It's got that
awesome panoramic setting.

Ah.

No, I got this. This one...
this one's great.

Ok, here we go. Amy, I'm only
getting half your face, honey.

Everybody can fit a lot better
without me in there, ok?

I'm gonna go grab some food.

Ok, you know what, everybody
just hang on one second.

Ok, here we go,
panoramic setting.

And everybody say,
"candy king." Ok.

Candy king.

Oh, my God. You
brought your scamp?

No.

What is this?

You know what?

Just do me a favor, ok?

Return the camera I bought you.

Ok, ok, you know what happened,

I must have put
this in my purse.

And then I forgot... Carrie.

Take the picture with
the camera you love.

I have no idea what this
is, I really don't.

Let me check it out here.

Oh, the titleis 3 wood.
Thank you.

This is great.

Douglas, smile and hold it up.

God, this thing is a joy to use.

Honey, you sure you're ok
with this whole camera thing?

Yeah, yeah, I know I got nutty at
the party the other night, but...

I don't know, why shouldn't you
keep the better camera, right?

Plus, bonus, gave me a chance
to get you an even better gift.

Oh, that's probably Lou.
I asked him to stop by.

You two, just sit,
watch and learn.

- Lou.
- Hi

Glad you could stop by.
Thank you.

I have a present for you.

Arthur, the cheese
wheel was plenty.

Go ahead. Open it.

Oh, the screenplay.

My revised screenplay.

You'll notice the lead character, Smithy,
is now a 250 pound weight lifter.

You played your hand well, Mr.
Ferrigno.

Arthur, I really can't do
anything with this script.

I'm sorry. I have to go.

Have a nice holiday.

Ladies...

The game continues.

Come on. Ok.

Ok, ok, ok.

♪

Aha.

Wow.

Giraffes! That is great. Yeah.

Because giraffe's
your favorite animal.

Your boss's not going to
be giving you that, eh?

No, he won't.

So, you like it? I love it.

So, try it on?

Honey, I love this camera.
What a great gift! Thank you.

Yeah, well.

I thought you might like it.

It's another one for me.

This one's from Doug and Carrie.

It's another camera.

What? This is a really nice one.

It's in a box. Yours
came in plastic.

Wait a second.

This is the same camera
Doug gave to Carrie.

She turned around
and gave it to you.

What? How do you know?

Because Doug and I went out to
buy cameras together. Look.

The film's already in it.

And they took a picture...

Wait, wait, wait.

You were at the store with Doug

and then you saw him buy a
better camera for Carrie

and then you bought me this one.

You lose cameras.

Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas. Hi.

Hi, baby. These are for you.

Thank you. And I think, there might
be a few things for you under there.

By the way, did I just see Arnold
Schwarzenegger shoveling snow next door?

Lou Ferrigno.

So, we missed you this morning.

Oh, I know, I'm sorry.

I had a date.

On Christmas morning?

Yeah, it was with
this Jewish guy.

It was like the only
time he was free.

It doesn't matter.

He didn't like me
because I'm not Jewish.

So you got any other gifts?

I... I got this

from Doug.

Oh, my lord, what are those?
Giraffes?

6 of them.

It's like a car crash.

It's hard to look at.
Yet I can't look away.

Not over yet.

Ooh, big one!

I... I can't believe
he got you this.

Mmm-hmm.

W-what is he, mad at
you about something?

Actually, you know what,
he was mad at me.

But then he said
everything was fine.

Oh, he was. Oh.

I... I just meant it as a joke.

Maybe this sweater was
meant to send a message.

So what time are Deacon
and Kelly coming over?

They should be here any minute.
I got to hurry up.

What are we eating?
A Christmas goose?

I got chicken.

Damn! I could really
go for goose,

or a tray of brownies.

You're not gonna wear
your giraffe sweater?

Um, actually, I was
gonna wear this.

Because... Come on, babe, here.

Put on the giraffe sweater.
This will be great.

I think that would really look
good with those pants, too.

Black goes with everything.

Honey.

Um,

are you sure you're not some mad
about this whole camera thing?

Not at all.

Are you sure?

Because... because you
do this sometimes.

You... you bottle things up,

and then sometimes they come out
in these little hostile ways.

What... what do you mean?

Wait a second.

You don't like the sweater?

Uh, well, I...

You think the giraffe
sweater was hostile?

You tell me.

You think I bought you a
bad sweater on purpose

because I'm still
upset about a camera?

Like my sweater's so ugly, it
could've only been bought as a joke?

Wow! Oh, my God!

A beautiful giraffe sweater, a joke?
All right.

Come on, come on, come on.
Look at my closet.

You could see why,
maybe I would wonder

why giraffes.

You said that were
your favorite animal.

At the zoo. That doesn't
mean I wanna be one.

You know what, I'm sorry I
bought you a great camera

and what I thought
was a great sweater.

Obviously, I bombed again.

No, no, Doug, listen to me.

I'm sorry. I take it back.
I love this sweater.

You know what, I'm
gonna put it on.

No, no, now you're
not allowed to.

You know what, I may
not have great taste,

but I got great Christmas spirit

Which is more than
I can say for you.

I'm going down to
greet our guests now.

Felice navidad.

Come on, Kel.

Remember when you
lost those Ray-bans.

You told me I should only
buy you cheap stuff.

Well, I guess you
took that to heart.

I love giraffes. Wearing this
makes me feel closer to them.

The more you talk,
the more I hate.

Hey, merry Christmas.

Here's a mud cake.

Oh, what are those? Poppy seeds?
Mmm-hmm.

Don't you hate the way they
get stuck in your teeth?

Come in. Yes.

Right.

Why do you have giraffes
on your sweater?

Well, because they're
tall and spotted

and just so darn fun.

Thanks a lot. What's the matter?

Why did you give the
better camera to Kelly

when you know I bought her one?

What better camera?

The one you bought when
we went to the store.

You know I bought her
a piece of crap.

I'll be right back.

You gave my camera to Kelly?

They know?

He was with me when I
bought it for you.

Well, you told me
to get rid of it.

I said return it.

Now Deacon's mad at me because he
bought a less nice camera for Kelly.

This camera has bitten
me in the ass twice.

I'm out of ass cheeks.

Hi, is Arthur here?

Yeah, hold on. Yo, Doug.

There's someone here
looking for Arthur.

Hey.

Aren't you...

Yes.

Lou, what a surprise.

Would you like some chicken?

I know how you, weight
lifters, like your chicken.

How did you get your
script into my bathroom?

Pretty clever, huh?

If you're like me, you'll do most
of your reading in the John.

So you broke into my house?

I thought you'd like my moxie.

Apologize to them.

It's not all my fault.

Kelly, honey, I barely
used the camera.

Why did you say
anything to them?

I didn't know he was gonna
go back and tell her.

So, Lou, what do you say?

Look, I just moved in.

I have a million things to do.

I haven't even
finished unpacking.

Come on, let's read
a scene together.

It'll come alive for you.

Would you stop it?

Oh God!

Look.

I'm sorry, uh...

It's Christmas.

We shouldn't be fighting.

Here, let me have that.
I-I'll read it.

Have a nice holiday.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Everyone,

Lou Ferrigno's right.

We shouldn't be fighting.
It's Christmas.

We're getting all worked
up over presents.

I'm sorry, baby.

Me, too.

All right, come on.
Sit, sit, sit.

Doug.

I love this sweater.

I do. 'Cause you know why?

Because you gave it
to me and I love you.

Thank you. I love you, too.

Thank you for my golf club.

This looks great and
tastes wonderful.

So I guess I'm getting the
snow saucer for my birthday?

You ridin' high now, big man.

We'll see you again on
your way back down.