The King of Queens (1998–2007): Season 3, Episode 10 - Work Related - full transcript

Check it out.

"Whips and chains."

What's the matter? My back rubs
not doing it for you anymore?

Page 24.

Oh, my God.

What is he doing to him?

Oh, I'm sorry, 42.

Yeah, but what is
he doing to him?

Come on, 42. Page 42.

Ok, all right. Come on.

There it is. Look right there.



"Ebony God seeks dominant professional
type for late-night spank sessions."

"Full dungeon."

Where are we at here, Doug?

The phone number. Look,
it's Deacon's phone number.

I put the ad in there
to get back at him.

Are you two still having that
stupid practical joke war?

You bet your sweet
bananas we are.

How great is this? He's probably
getting calls from S&M freaks,

oh, right about now.

Doug, the man has children.

And he should've thought of that

before he put a sign on my back
that said "I love butter."

Actually, it said "I heart
butter," but that's what it meant.

But you do heart butter.



That's my business, not
the whole world's, ok?

Morning, all.

Morning. Hey.

"Whips and chains."

Good for you, kids.

Just be safe.

Good-bye. Bye.

Darling, I have a legal matter
I need your assistance with.

What are you talking about?

I was down on the
boardwalk last night,

and I paid a fellow $12
to draw my portrait.

Look at this. Look.

That's funny.

It's not funny.
It's humiliating.

People were gathered
around laughing,

having a great time
at my expense.

All right, so what do you want to do?
You want to sue the artist?

Well, I estimate I endured $1 million
worth of pain and suffering.

Between you and me, I'd settle
out of court for $8,000.

Well, good luck with that.

So, you're not gonna help me?

Dad, how am I
supposed to help you?

I'm not a lawyer, and I think
the picture's hilarious.

Oh, so that how
it's going to be.

Well, thank you very little!

Uh, excuse me, but what
do you think I do there?

I'm a secretary. The
lawyers handle the law.

I type and make sure
they're not thirsty.

Would it kill you to show them this
picture as you hand them a snapple?

Would you stop it? I
mean, for God's sakes,

you've never expressed any
interest in my job until now,

when you need something.
That's not true!

Oh, really? Have you ever
once come down to visit me?

Do you have any idea what
I actually do there?

How I actually spend my day?
No, you don't.

Well, you have no idea
how I spend my day.

You sit around in
your underwear,

and you make crank phone calls.

Those were inquiries!

Hey, Carrie? Um?

Can you tell if
this milk is good?

What's the date on it?
Yesterday.

I don't know, who's it for?

Del pozo. It's fine.

Here she is, Mr. Spooner.

Thank you, young man.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Does this have anything to do
with that stupid caricature?

No, no. I was just reflecting
on your comments earlier,

and I realized you were right.

I should take a more active
interest in your life.

So, here I am.

Really?

Absolutely.

Dad, that's... That's so sweet.
Thank you.

Well, instead of thanking me, how
about giving me a grand tour?

Ok, well, I don't know how
grand it is, but here goes.

Wow me. Ok, um...

All right, well, this,
this whole area here

is where we keep files
relating to our pending cases.

Uh-huh, and you file them
alphabetically or...

Alphabetically, yes.

That's a marvelous
sorting system.

And, uh, this is
the coffee area.

This is where I get my boss,
you guessed it, coffee.

Tell me, do you
use a percolator?

Drip. Drip.

Fancy.

And then we're back at my desk,

and that's basically the tour.

Well, thank you for that
behind-the-scenes peek.

Oh, that's my phone.

I have to get that. Good.

Now I get to see you in action.

Mr. Grossman's office.

Oh, he's at lunch. May
I take a message?

You're good.

Take the ad out now.

Ad? I don't have any
time to place any ads.

I'm too busy hearting butter.

Just cancel it, ok?

There they are, butch Cassidy
and the dumb-ass kid.

Hey, spero.

How's it going, man?

Oh, terrible. My deliveries
are spread all over town.

Kind of like your
mother, Heffernan.

You know, guy, enough.

Listen, Rico just pulled
out of the calendar.

Now we're gonna need a new Mr.
April.

What calendar?

The men of I.P.S. Calendar.

You know, to raise money for some
juvenile something or other, you know.

What do you say, guys, huh?

I'm assuming you want to sell
a couple of these things,

so that let's him out.
Sure. I'll do it.

Whoa, what the hell's
that supposed to mean?

It's supposed to mean that ebony
God is probably a better choice

than pasty doughboy.

So that's how it's gonna be, huh?
You know what?

I'll do the calendar.
Well, I wanna do it.

Whoa, if you're both interested,

I'm going to have to let
the guys upstairs decide.

They're gonna need snapshots, and
you gotta fill out this bio stuff.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

All right, whoever
gets it should know

the shoots gonna be here Friday
night after work. I'm doing it.

Well, let the games begin, Mr.
Palmer.

That's Mr. April to you.

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm Mr. April.

You're Mr. march-your-cocoa-buns-
out-of-here, yeah.

Yeah. What's up? What's up?

I hate it when they get stuck.

Well, thanks for lunch, dad.
That was really nice.

Yeah, those Chinese make a
delightful bowl of rice.

Actually, it was benihana.
It's Japanese.

6 of 1.

Well, I'm off.

Got a boatload of things
to put in my diary.

All right. Well, thanks for coming, dad.
That was great.

Pleasure was all mine. Enjoy
the rest of your day.

Ok.

Give that gal a promotion!

Your dad seems to
be an ok fella.

He is. Thanks.

Treasure him, Carrie.

Do you know, sometimes we hear

what our elder statespeople
say, but we don't listen.

Uh, what's the difference?

Well, to hear is just to hear,

but to listen, that's
hearing and then some.

Got it.

By the way, I wanted to
mention if he's interested,

we've started a senior
jobs program here.

You know, something to give the old
people a sense of dignity and purpose.

Pays $3.50 an hour.

So, w-what are you saying? You
want my dad to work here?

Every day? If he's interested.

Oh, that's awfully nice, but no...
I don't... no.

You sure?

Y-y-yeah, he wouldn't be interested.
N-no, yeah.

Well, it's out there.

Ok. Ok.

What ya got going there, Fonzie?

Ah, there's this I.P.S.
Calendar for charity.

Deacon and I are both
going for the last spot.

Doug, uh, can I bounce
something off you?

Yeah, you know what? Take
my picture first, though.

I just... I need it for a...
There you go.

Whoa, what the hell.

You got, like, half my face!

Well, honey, I need to talk
to you about something.

All right, but I
need a good picture.

Stand over there.
The light's better.

Over there. Over there.

Ok, but don't take it yet.
I'm not ready yet.

Let me get set here. So,
what's the problem?

All right. So, there's this part-time
job available at my office,

and Mr. Pruzan said my dad
could have it if he wanted it.

Are you ready yet? Yeah, yeah.

Ok. Wait, w-wait!

What's my best look?
Should I smile?

Or pout, like this.

All right, well, if those are my
choices, I reluctantly take pout.

I said pout, not constipated.

All right, so what do
you think I should do?

Do you think I should let
dad work at my office?

No!

No.

I did say no, but I
feel terrible about it.

I mean, he has nothing
else going on in his life.

I mean, nothing. Sure he does.

He gets that
magazine now, right?

He'd love to work there, too. I mean,
you should have seen him today.

He had this little peppy
bounce in his step,

like... like after he
takes his blue pills.

So then let him work there.

I can't! Because every second I'll be
worried if he's going to say something

or do something to embarrass me.

You know, he tipped one
of the partners today.

And not a lot.

Hey, a minute's just about
up, and here we come.

Coming into focus now. And...

Wow.

Time to cram some fake
crap into my bio.

I can't let him work there.
You know why?

Because if he works there,
then I'll go crazy.

If I go crazy,
then they fire me.

If they fire me,
we lose the house,

and he has to live in a crate.

So really, I'm doing
this for him.

Right?

Ok, good.

Morning. Dad.

Morning, cupcake.

I see you're busy. That's great.

It's great to be busy, isn't it?
You're a busy, busy little bee, huh?

Well, I am just going
to head out to work,

and let you get back
to your reading.

What are you reading,
an instruction book?

Yeah, for the electric knife.

Do we have an electric knife?

I didn't see one, but if it
ever turns up, I'll be ready.

Great, great.

Now where are my glasses?

The print on this
warranty card is so tiny.

Here you go.

Oh, thank you, darling.

You're a good daughter.

Please, it's...
Bye, ok, bye-bye.

Have a good day at work. Ok.

Dad,

get your coat.

♪ Oh, ba boppity beep beep

♪ boppity boo boo be
ba ba ba ba bah ♪

Here you go, young lady.
Your mail,

and what's this in your ear?

A mint, for you!

Uh, ok, thank you.

You're very welcome.

Oh, hello, miss. I'm sorry.

I forget the name.

What ya got there, dad?
Y-you got some mints?

I'm giving them out to
everyone with the mail.

It's an icebreaker. You start
out by talking about the mints.

The next thing you
know, you're pals.

I learned that on an airplane

sitting next to a Mr.
Gil Gerard.

I guess. I just wish you weren't
reaching into people's ears.

Darling, you are so cute.

It's not really in their ear.
I palm it.

Even so.

Pardon me, my duties await.

Hey, Eddie! Got an
air mail for you.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, it's Doug half-a-man.

Half-a-man instead of Heffernan.

That's great. I like that.
That's good.

Hey, what you got
there, peanut butter?

Yep. I like peanut butter.

Spreads nice and easy.

Speaking of which,
my mother says hi.

What do you want?

Actually, you know what?
It's about the calendar.

I just thought that, you know, if
you could put in a good word for me

with the p.R. Guys, and
while you were doing that,

I... I could load your
truck or do your rounds.

Doug, save your breath.
You're in.

Really? I got it?

Yeah, I don't know what the
guys up there are sniffing,

but, uh, it's all
you there, lumpy.

All right, thanks.

Hey, spero, I forgot.

Who... who did you say they
were picking for the calendar?

You the man. What?

I'm the man.

Now, I-I'm confused, see.

So you're saying that Mr.
Palmer here not the man.

That's right. Well,
I can't believe it.

What the hell are they
thinking upstairs?

It wasn't what they
were thinking,

so much as what they were feeling.
You know what I'm saying?

'Cause sexy is sexy!

You drive safe now.

Carrie? Have you
seen your father?

I've got a bunch
of outgoing mail.

You're looking for Arthur? He just
went into the conference room.

Now? But I thought the
partners were in there

meeting with those congressmen
from the finance committee.

All I know is Arthur just walked
in there with a big bag of mints.

All right. You're dreaming, Carrie.
Just wake up.

Wake up. Wakey, wakey. Ok.

Crap!

And then another time...

Ah, excuse me. Hi, dad.

Listen, uh, people are out
there asking for their mints.

Sweetheart, I was
in the middle...

He gets a little confused sometimes.
Come on, buddy.

Let's not bother these
nice people anymore.

He's not bothering us. We just asked
him to recommend a good deli.

Oh, ok, good. You've got the
right guy here, I'll tell ya.

You know what we call him: The deli lama.
That's him, ok.

All right... Oh... oh. You don't...
Yeah, ok, good. Bye.

Darling, I'm going now.

Going? I thought you
worked until 4:00.

Actually, I was let go.

What? They fired you?

Apparently there wasn't
room in the budget for me.

Dad, that's absurd. They pay
you less than minimum wage.

Excuse me. Uh, Mr. Pruzan, why
did you guys fire my dad?

We didn't. He quit.

Oh, you must be mixed up.
I was let go.

Sir, you just came up to
me and said, "I quit."

It was merely to save
face after I was fired.

Who fired you?

Why, boss terwilliger.

Dad, what are you talking about?

Look, I was fired, ok? Fired.

And that's all I have
to say on the subject.

There is no boss terwilliger.

I know. Ok.

Doug, come on. I'm
growing a beard here.

There he is. Very nice.

I don't know. You don't
think it looks too stupid?

It's for a charity.

Every month has a gimmick.
You're the April-showers guy.

Just be happy you're
not baby new year.

Yeah, I guess I
caught a break there.

All right. Nice and loose here.
Nice and loose. Ready to work?

Ok, you're thinking:

"Boy, I've got a special
delivery for you!"

That's it! All right. Give
me that precious look.

Work the Dolly. Work the Dolly.

Work the umbrella. Come
on, work the umbrella.

Kind of scoot around it.
That's it. That's it.

Give me that... A
little more precious.

Not that, no. That! That's the money!
That's the money. Yes!

Ok. Good. Good. Your... your
tie's a little crooked there.

Ok. Just a little...

Like this? No, the other side.

Here. Let me get it.

It's going so well. Yeah.
That's better.

Now, I want you to let
all your natural charm

just seep out, huh? Ok, yeah.

Man, are you firm. Wow. Working out, huh?
Nice traps.

Huh?

Nice traps. Yeah.

Mmm.

How about, uh, we get back
to the calendar there?

We got some juveniles
to save, huh?

Wow! That's a lot of boy. Yeah.

Doug, uh, I got to
level with you.

There's no juveniles.

No juveniles? No juveniles.

No juveniles, no
calendar, just you, me.

And a whole lot of
sexual tension.

Not getting that.

Come on, Doug.

Wrap those linebackin'
meat hooks around me,

and pull me into the huddle.

What's going on here, man? Whoa!

What are you tellin' me? Are
you tellin' me you're gay?

I'm not gay gay. I'm what
you call bi-curious.

Whatever. Look, I gotta go, man.

I'm really late for
something not gay.

Oh, God! I should've
never done this.

Hey, don't tell anybody
about this, huh?

All right, look, I'm not going
to tell anybody you're gay, ok?

Thanks, Doug. Thanks, man. Ok.

Hey, Doug, thanks.

Ok. All right, man.
Ok. There you go.

Gotcha!

Hey, Heffernan.

You are looking good!

Oh, man! You should've
seen your face.

I got to go somewhere not gay.

All right, guys. Knock it off.
Enough, enough. All right?

Leave him alone. You
all right, pal?

I'm ok.

Good.

You want to go to
the prom with me?

Yeah, funny, man! You guys are funny.
Funny stuff, guys!

It was a goof, porks.

I'd tell you to lighten up, but
that might be hard for you.

You know what, man? I had
enough of your crap, man!

Hey, keep your hands off me.

Oh! God, oh!

What the hell did you do?

He came at me. You saw it.

Oh, God. Oh, God,
it's broken, man.

Oh, my God. He's really hurt.
It's broken!

Somebody get some help now! Now!

Look, it was just a joke, man.
You ok?

Just a joke. It's ketchup. Mmm.

But it tastes like victory!

Man!

You knew the whole time?

Oh, yeah, man! You kiddin' me?

Spero told me this morning.

See, you thought you
were getting me,

but I flipped her around on you!

Yabba dabba!

Nice work. Can I
get the film now?

Yeah. It's digital. That way,
they go right on the Internet.

Sweet!

Hello.

Dad, where have you been? I have
been trying to call you for hours!

Uh, I just went up to
the roof to think.

Gets a little breezy
86 floors up,

especially when the
helicopters are landing.

Dad, look, about
what happened today,

I want... Darling,

can I tell you a little story?

Sure.

Look, when I was 8 years old,

I was chosen from dozens of boys

to sing a solo from ave Maria

at my church choir recital.

It was the greatest
honor of my young life.

The night of the recital,

my father was sitting
right in the 2nd row.

He heckled me.

Heckled you?

Oh, yeah. He called
it tough love.

Said it would make me a
better choir singer.

But I was mortified.

Yeah. Dad, that's...
that's terrible.

Today you had the same
look on your face as I did

at my recital.

I'm sorry I embarrass
you, Carrie.

Dad, no. No, no, no, no.

You didn't do anything wrong.

I completely overreacted.

I guess sometimes I feel like I have
to walk around apologizing for you,

but that's... that's my problem.
That's all me.

Well, perhaps my prior antics
have left you a bit gun-shy.

Well, true.

I could've done without your bomb
jokes at LA guardia last month.

But, even so, I'm sorry
about the way I acted.

I... I was touched
that you wanted to,

you know, be part of my life.

I love you, sweetheart.

I love you, too, dad.

You know what?

Why don't we forget about
all this and start fresh?

Tomorrow I will talk to
Pruzan and get your job back.

No, no. I wouldn't hear of it.

To be honest, I find
this place mind-numbing.

How you work here and not
put a bullet in your head

is beyond me.

Well, can I at least buy you
a hot dog on the corner?

I'll go for that. Ok.

♪ Ave Maria ♪

Dad!

♪ Ave Maria ♪

you call that singing?

You sound like a little girl!

Nice haircut!

Use a bigger bowl next time!

That's my boy.